Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Series 4

Mark:
(Opening the show after a very poor performance from Chris Moyles the previous week and the ensuing week-long public feud between the two) Hello, I'm Mark Lamarr and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the pop quiz that likes to say "we're sorry". As you may have read in some of the papers recently we've been accused of being less than welcoming to one of our guests. To give our side of the story we've never actually had a model on the show before, so all of us were a little uneasy. And while I don't think we were actually rude, heaven forfend, I would point out that life on a quiz show may be slightly different to what you're used to on the catwalk. (an unflattering picture of Moyles appears on the screens behind Mark) Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the show that says sorry seems to be the hardest word, whereas "DIE YOU OILY PIG IN A DUNCE HAT!" rolls off the tongue quite nicely!

Phill:
Everyone's so helpful - and nice - on this show!

Mark:
(shakes his fist) Moyles!

Phill:
(as Blaikie from On The Buses) I 'ate yew, Moyles!

Mark:
Let's do the Scooby-Doo ending. And it would've worked too if it weren't for that pesky fat cunt Moyles!

Mark:
(introducing Keith Chegwin) Cheggers says the worst advice he's ever been given was "Go on, have a drink." The second worst was "Go on... television."

Phil:
Sunday afternoon, lot of cars in a field selling gear out the back.

Emmy-Kate:
Incorrect. That's a car boot sale. What a booty call is, is we're all very aware about pregnancy in pop recently, and here we have an example, not this lady (points to the screen), but the other one, Mel. She's pregnant.

Mark:
Yes.

Emmy-Kate:
She has needs, other needs. She has to make these needs known. She has to phone Mothercare and order baby clothes, little booties...

Mark:
I got where you're coming from. No.

Tom:
It's actually something that pirates do, like "Jim, lad, we've found the treasure!"

Mark:
Tom Robinson and his "pieces of eight" material, ladies and gentlemen.

Phil:
It's an 0898 number for pirates. (as a pirate) "Arr, looking to call a pirate? Want to talk to other pirates? Call 0898..."

Sean:
Um, I wish "Sussudio" was Phil Collins' dying words.

. . .

Keith:
I think it's of some reference to masturbation. Seriously, there's a bit...

Mark:
What, cause he did that (imitates Phil Collins playing air slap bass) in the middle? What a show off.

Keith:
Goes like that in the middle and then goes to the microphone, doesn't he?

Sean:
You do that when you're wanking?

Keith:
Sometimes.

Sean:
(imitating Keith) Pass the microphone. What are you on about?

Mark:
Keith, I think all of us, apart from maybe Tom grew up as kids watching you on television, don't want to know about you masturbating. There are only so many mental pictures I can file away, and that ain't gonna be one of them.

Phil:
No wonder you were so perky on "Saturday Superstore"!

Keith:
You couldn't get me off.

Phill:
"Cheggers GOES Pop"! Let's leave and come back! We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, and then Cheggers started talking about walloping, it was a nightmare! What a nightmare night out!

Sean:
You call it "walloping"?

Phill:
I call it "walloping", yeah!

Tom:
Have you never heard of "bashing the bishop"?

Sean:
Yes...

Tom:
Walloping.

Sean:
Not in front of Neil, his dad is a bishop!

Neil:
I bashed him furiously!

Tom:
Is this something I'd have heard on the radio in the last ten years?

Phill:
Possibly, Tom. What station do you listen to?

Tom:
Radio 4.

Phill:
You listen to Radio 4. Possibly a little unlikely. (Phill and Emmy-Kate start the intro again)

Tom:
Yeah, of course. It's "If The Kids Are United" by Sham 69.

Phill:
It's not "If The Kids Are United". And he listens to Radio 4...

Mark:
When did they play that?

Phill:
In a bit of a sticky wicket, aren't we?

Mark:
"Gonna be a borstal breakout!... And now, the shipping."

. . .

Tom:
"These Boots Are Made For Walking".

Phill:
No.

Mark:
Does it go like that? Then no! We're looking for a song that has that as the introduction! Sean, you've seen the show before, I can excuse it in Tom.

Sean:
(as a pirate) Well, Tom, you listen to the song and you get the tune. (winks)'

Mark:
(as a pirate) You're watching "Never Mind Mutiny On The Bounty". I've been Mark Lamarr, (winks) goodnight. (normal voice) Alright, let's play it in, let's see what it actually was. (The song, "Holiday" by Madonna, starts playing as Phill and Emmy-Kate huddle for the next intro.)

. . .

Tom:
It was on "The World At One" today, she's sending her daughter to Cheltenham Ladies' College.

Mark:
Yeah, but this thing is where they do the intro and you have guess it.

. . .

(As Phill and Emmy-Kate start the next intro)

Emmy-Kate:
This gives it away a bit, right. (They both imitate cameras clicking for a few seconds, then break into the next intro.)

Tom:
"If The Kids Are United"...

Phill:
(angrily) IT'S NOT SHAM 69! (Breaks into the theme from "The Archers")

Tom:
Duran Duran, "Girls On Film".

Mark:
It is Duran Duran, "Girls On Film". (wild applause)

Phill:
(angrily) NO! It was "The Archers" theme!

Phill:
Is it my mum's radio?

Keith:
Oi, oi! I didn't butt in when you were doing yours! (some audience members go "Ooooh!")

Phill:
Cheggers Plays Tough!

Mark:
I've never seen you this aggressive! What's happened to you tonight?

Keith:
I just love game shows, I can't tell you! I get so involved.

Phill:
There's no prizes, Keith!

Keith:
I know, but it's the pleasure of being on.

Phill:
On the way in, he saw an Austin Montego in the car park and he went (as Keith) "That could be it! That could be it! I could be walking away with it at the end of the night!"

Keith:
And then I found out it was yours! Anyway... (audience start oooh-ing again and applauding) Oh no, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! I apologise!

Sean:
Welcome to Cheggers Has A Pop!

Mark:
I don't think he's gonna get it, in a minute Sean's going to have to explain the... (makes the hissing noise Sean made) ...noise he's been making for quite some time.

Sean:
Sure, no problem.

Mark:
I'm gonna pass it over. (to Phill) Do you know what it is?

Phill:
It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol by Oh-ars-is.

Mark:
It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol" by Oasis, let's hear that...

Mark:
You were being a tambourine?

Sean:
Yeah!

Phill:
A tambourine!?

Mark:
Every other week Sean does a movement or says a word or something. This week he went... (makes the hissing sound) ...thinking "they'll all know that's a tambourine!"

Sean:
'Cos that's what Liam does before he starts singing every song.

Mark:
What?

Sean:
(makes the hissing sound)

Phill:
The Salvation Army wouldn't sell many copies of War Cry if they walk into a pub, they forgot their tambourines and went... (hisses) "War Cry, sir?" (hisses again)

Mark:
At one gig Noel Gallagher spotted Chris Evans in the audience and said rather cleverly "Alright, Ginger Bollocks! Oi, Twatty Face! Shut it, you Ginger Bastard!" Quick as a flash, Chris said "Get me Danny Baker on the phone, I need a witty reply."

Mark:
In July 1974 Mama Cass died while staying in a London flat after choking on a sandwich. Strangely, Keith Moon of The Who died in the same flat a few years later. He tripped over her body and banged his head on the sink. (Mark almost cracks up a few seconds later!) Mama Cass' vocal range increased dramatically after she was hit over the head with a lead pipe in 1965. I feel it's our duty to see if the same technique will work with Aqua. In fact, it's my personal mission. And if, by any chance, they're on tour with Celine Dion, the more the merrier. I'll find you, Aqua! I'll find you if I have to knock on every door in Stockholm fresh from the plumber's merchants, (stands up and points at the camera) and if it doesn't work first time I'll try and try again! I'll make of you singers yet, you Euro-pop ponces if it takes a Joe Pesci-size beating! And Celine Dion, your heart won't go on but there'll be plenty of beating believe me, you maple leaf hag! YOU'RE NEXT IN LINE!

4x03:
Emmy-Kate Montrose (Kenickie) & Tom Robinson

4x03:
Neil Hannon & Keith Chegwin