Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Series 9

Mark:
(introducing David) Since leaving Dollar, David's career has gone on the up. He now runs a number of stalls in Brighton selling burgers and flowers. So if you fancy some carnations stinking of beef and Calor gas, there's your man.

Mark:
Missy Elliott is famous for her expensive jewellery, her love of flashy cars and for owning more than 4,000 pairs of trainers. Which sounds impressive until you hear David owns 200-weight of diced onions and a loft full of gherkins!

David:
They've been good to me, those sausages, you know!

Mark:
You keep that for your autobiography, sunbeam! And, I'll be the judge of that, cheeky-chops!

David:
I might not be here without those.

Sean:
Yeah, he's got his van parked outside.

Mark:
So what do you want us to do? Thank sausages you're here?

David:
Give them all vouchers (gestures to the audience) when they're leaving, buy a sausage!

Mark:
Vouchers so they can buy a sausage? People can buy sausages anyway.

David:
Not outside here!

Mark:
They don't need a voucher, it's not Poland!

David:
Mine are special.

Mark:
You've got special sausages?

David:
Yeah. The proof is in the pudding.

Mark:
You sell pudding as well?

Sean:
Can we have a look at the newspaper headline?

(cut to still from the video showing the front page of the Daily Mail - the headline reads "MILLIONAIRESS LOST IN JUNGLE - $100,000 REWARD")

Sean:
Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"

Mark:
Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?

Sean:
They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?

David:
W...

Sean:
No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?

David:
No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")

Mark:
Ooh, your van's here!

David:
I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?

Mark:
I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!

Sean:
I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!

Ricky:
Oooh sausages! Sausages!

Mark:
Special magic sausages!

Sean:
Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?

Jenni:
I don't think it's a music video at all...

Sean:
It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"

Mark:
Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?

Sean:
Not again anyway, that's for sure!

Mark:
Although I would buy one called "The Magic Sausage", which is one of my favourite operas.

Jenni:
I really don't think it's a music video, I think it's a soap powder commercial, a really long-winded one. "Do you want to know how to get rid of dirt? Grime? Grass stains? Snake venom? Midge Ure? Use new Daz!" That might be it.

Mark:
Also to be in the jungle and do the Challenge, that would be pretty cruel, wouldn't it? "Is this better than your normal soap powder?" "We haven't got a normal soap powder, we haven't got anything to eat! Although hold on, what's that noise?" (the chimes ring again and Ricky puts his hand up)

Mark:
Midge Ure's ex-wife Annabel Giles recently referred to herself as a B-list celebrity. Good news, Britain, that means we're all A-list celebrities! Including the pigeons!

David:
Can you do it in my ear?

Sean:
Do what in your ear? (shouts in David's ear) Burger, large chips...

Mark:
It's the only language he understands!

Sean:
Mushy peas and a bit of curry!

Sean:
Come back! You must be shit in that van! "What do you want love?" (spins around) "Oh there you are! What was it?"

David:
(laughing) Can we have some reverb?

Mark:
Can we have some off?

David:
(starts whistling into his microphone with a bit of reverb)

Sean:
Are you calling for a dog?

Mark:
It's the eerie burger man! That would be a great advert to keep kids off fried food - him!

Jenni:
Is it recent or is it quite old?

Sean:
No it's old.

David:
It's oooollld.

Mark:
Have you ever had electric shock treatment?

David:
I burnt myself on a cooker once!

Sean:
Okay I'm ready. I'm having a bit of a breakdown! In two years time I'm gonna be working with him in Brighton - "Burger?" (Sean stares into space, hands the burger over and whistles)

David:
(Provides a decent backing for Sean)

Sean:
A-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, shish kebab! Shish kebab! Shish kebab! You're obsessed man!

(David collapses in hysterics)

David:
They probably are still working, this group. I'm still working so they must still be working.

Mark:
But you're working in a burger van!

David:
I do the odd date.

Mark:
In what band do you play with now? Bucks Fizz?

David:
Dollar, Bucks Fizz, you name it. Guys n' Dolls...

Mark:
Alright, Pink Floyd?

David:
Could do a tribute to Pink Floyd.

Mark:
Really? What, and not play for a long time?

Mark:
Okay, Sean's team you need six to win, your time starts now. "I believe in miracles..."

Sean:
Hence David's on the show!

Mark:
"Where you from, you sexy thing", Hot Chocolate. "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand...

Sean:
Salt and vinegar?

David:
"You don't have to stay forever, I will understand." Number five for Guys n' Dolls in 1975.

Mark:
Yep. "And the only way to get rid of this great big onion..."

Sean:
Sorry, we're closed half-day Tuesday.

Mark:
It's unbelievably The Onion Song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. The next line - "is to plant love seeds until it dies." "Mirror mirror mon amour..."

David:
"Mirror mirror mon amour, send me what I'm waiting for..."

Mark:
That's right, yeah. Dollar. "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop..."

David:
Is it Elvis Presley... boy lives down the... chip shop... and he thinks he's Elvis Presley...

Sean:
Have you just had a stroke? 'Cos that's "There's a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" (Time up!)

Mark:
It was actually "and when I came out, there was Gordon standing at the bus stop" from Jilted John by Jilted John. Do you know what? It comes as a great shock to me that you haven't won!

Mark:
This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks, I've been Mark Lamarr... (The chimes play one more time) (to David) I think you've got to go back to the mothership!

Phill:
There's a bit at the end that kind of disturbed me a little - yeah. Licking his finger going up to her armpit, does he have, like, got deodorant saliva? And he's offering her...

Mike:
She shaved everything but one hair and it's driving him mad. "You got one..." *poink* you know... that's the noise it sounds when you pull one hair out... "poink."

Sean:
"Poink"?

Mark:
"Poink"'s probably right yeah... onomatopoeically.

Fairbrass:
Onomatopoeically, hello?

Phill:
Was he just turned on by a big word then? Never do Countdown, never ever... (as Fairbrass) Oooh, oh conundrum, hello!

Fairbrass:
I do not speak like that!

Phill:
You just did!

Fairbrass:
(laughing) I do not! I do not!

Phill:
Let's have a look then at the Billy Bragg thing. (a still from Sexuality by Billy Bragg is shown - Billy is seen holding a sign saying "Uality" next to a road sign saying "Essex") He's at the side of the A13 if we can have a look at that...

Kiki:
You think he actually got to "Uality" in the end?

Sean:
Richard's just gone "what's 'ualty'?" We're gonna win tonight(!)

Fairbrass:
I thought maybe it was a town!

Sean:
That you got banned from!

Sean:
(referring to Durst) He's just really eager hitching isn't he? "My way or highway!"

Mark:
Well it's very very hard to get to Uality these days.

Fairbrass:
I think he looks a bit like David Beckham in a funny fairground mirror at the end. David Beckham went up to one of those mirrors that's what he would look like.

Sean:
And that's the connection?

Mark:
Quite importantly can I just say looking at Victoria Beckham...

Fairbrass:
Is it gonna be funny what you're gonna say?

Mark:
I'd imagine so, or I wouldn't be saying it...

Fairbrass:
Press on then.

Sean:
(as Fairbrass) Oooh, press on, Mark! Press on!

Mark:
Looking at the Victoria Beckham thing, it's very important this time of year, a timely reminder to kids, never ever return to the lit firework once it's been...

Sean:
Let's press on...

Phil:
It must be something to do with the fact that actually, she only eats a biscuit for lunch or something like that... (we see a flash of bright lights and hear a clap of thunder)

Mark:
(in a deeply electronically processed voice) The voice of rock!

Phil:
I see I'm the fall guy in this equation, but okay. (Phill laughs) (to Fairbrass) Do you think he's stereotyping us at all? Richard, shall we swap roles? Maybe I'll do the camp bits and...

Mark:
Oh yeah, you're gonna be editor of Kerrang! for a long time if you're doing the camp bits!

Phil:
What are you saying?

Mark:
At least it might mean that some of your readers can have sex! (thunder and lightning) It's worked for you, Fairbrass!

Fairbrass:
It is true to say I that have been a player of the pink oboe. And I can raise a real tune on it occasionally...

Mark:
Really?

Fairbrass:
...but not for some time.

Phill:
(laughs) It's the idea of him in bed with someone and, just the duvet, and underneath the duvet... (hums PEnnsylvania 6-5000)

Fairbrass:
If you know the holes to put your finger on you can play a tune! (to Mark) You're always like this when I'm on the show!

Mark:
I know...

Fairbrass:
We should just go out, kiss and get it over with.

Mark:
Let's kiss now. Let's do the gay Buzzcocks kiss. (a female audience member shouts "Ugh!". Fairbrass laughs and points at the audience member, while Mark and the audience laugh.) I think they meant "Ooh, he's about to kiss Mark!"

Fairbrass:
Oh flush your mouth!

Mark:
That's the last thing you're doing, a kiss maybe. You're not flushing me out I'll tell you that! You can see why it's been six series before we've had him back!

Fairbrass:
I've moved house, you lost my address or something.

Mike:
You can do it again if you want, but I have no f***ing clue, you could do it backwards.

Mark:
I think we might have to do it again without you going "I have no f***ing clue" in the middle.

Mike:
I haven't a fricking clue.

Mark:
Well, you can say "fricking".

Mike:
I have no fricking clue, cunt!

Mark:
Can I just... 'cos we got Fairbrass because another pop quiz in another country's had like an exchange student affair? Is that why you went "don't ever! Not on my watch, soldier!"

Fairbrass:
I did it to a Hamburger once.

Mark:
You shagged a hamburger? 'Cos it said you can have it with or without a gherkin?

Sean:
Did you sing to it before hand? "Hello...

Sean & Fairbrass:
Is it me you're looking for?"

(Sean mimes having sex with a burger)

Mark:
(pointing at Sean) It's Hamburglar!

Phill's Team:
Rebecca Hunter (allSTARS*) & Ricky Tomlinson

Sean's Team:
David Van Day (Guys 'n' Dolls & Dollar) & Jenni Falconer

9x09:
Kiki Dee & Mike Wilmot

9x09:
Richard Fairbrass & Phil Alexander (editor-in-chief of Kerrang!)