New Girl, Season 2

Jess:
I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.

Schmidt:
Excuse me, do you think this has been easy for me-to wash myself all summer long with a penis cast on? Thank God this thing comes off this afternoon. And by the way, I know what you've been thinking, and the answer is yes, I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.

Jess:
Nipple play-off-limits.

Nick:
You can't be a shot girl.

Jess:
Why not?

Nick:
Because you don't have that specific hotness that shames men into spending $9 on a $2 shot. She doesn't have it.

Jess:
Are you saying I'm not hot?

Nick:
No, no, no, I'm not... No, no, you're hot, you're hot.

Jess:
Nick!

Nick:
I'm saying you're the nurse that I wanna wake up to after having my stomach pumped. You know what I mean? It's a different kind of hot-still hot.

Jess:
I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.

Nick:
Oh, so that was you. I thought that was a couple bums fighting.

Jess:
It wasn't. It was me, having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie. And that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.

Jess:
Andy and I have been sending each other some pretty dirty texts.

Cece:
Come to the professor. Let me see.

Jess:
He says, "Can't stop thinking about what you're gonna wear tonight." How do I respond?

Cece:
With a simple... "Or not wear."

Jess:
Okay.

Cece:
Okay?

Jess:
"Or not wear because sex happens naked." Send.

Cece:
Okay, let me help you with that. "Just kidding. Get ready for a night you will never forget." Okay?

Jess:
"Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss." Send. Oh, no! Autocorrect changed "body" to "meat bar."

Jess:
I need your help. I don't know what to do. I'm terrible at casual sex. I left him in there with crayons and paper, like he's a kid in a restaurant, and I told him I had to check my fantasy football.

Nick:
You don't even know what that is.

Jess:
No, sir, I do not know what that is. I panicked. Help me.

Nick:
Look, you can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl.

Jess:
I deserve to have a shorty on the side.

Nick:
Okay, a shorty is not... That's the wrong use of "shorty."

Cece:
I got your text. When you're going through a "Taylor Swift-like range of emotions," I should come over, right?

Schmidt:
You were the only one that I could talk to. Being brown, you have the wisdom of a thousand white women.

Jess:
[imitating Steve Urkel] "Did I do that?"

Schmidt:
I'm sorry, did you just say you were working on that?

Jess:
It's Urkel!

Nick:
Urkel?

Jess:
[chuckling] Urkel.

Nick:
Urkel, Jess?

Jess:
It's funny.

Nick:
Okay, look, it is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.

Schmidt and Winston:
No, it's not.

Nick:
But Urkel?!

Jess:
Come on.

Nick:
Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.

Schmidt:
[about the new hipster neighbors] They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too. It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity: a panethnic, pansexual hivemind, and they want nothing to do with me.

Jess:
They're not that great, Schmidt. Last night, Chaz and Sutton got in a fight.

Schmidt:
A lovers' quarrel?

Jess:
Sutton and Chaz are not a couple.

Nick:
Chaz is with Fife; Brorie's with, uh... the other broad.

Jess:
Actually, Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad, and Chaz is a floater.

Schmidt:
They're polyamorous?! Damn it!

Jess:
[showing her outfit to the guys] I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends, and I'm going for "promising ballerina turned streetwalker."

Schmidt:
You have too much joie de vivre. Okay? You wanna look a little bit more bored, tired, just altogether disengaged.

Winston:
More tired- more, like, sick-like. Really let your bones prop you up.

Jess:
When I hear all the stuff about Cece's profession, like the dieting, it's crazy. And the butt drinking and the...

Nick:
Did you say "butt drinking"?

Jess:
Yeah.

Nick:
You can't say "butt drinking" and then not explain what it is. It has two of my four favorite things.

Schmidt:
[about Jess's costume] I got it, you look like a zombie Woody Allen.

Nick:
Yeah.

Schmidt:
[imitating Woody Allen] "These brains are terrible. And such- such small portions."

Nick:
[imitating Woody Allen] "On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people's brains. They're the only ones that are open."

Jess:
[imitating Woody Allen] "Zombie... Cristina... Barcelona."

Winston:
Yeah, I have nothing to add to this.

[Jess and Nick bump into each other as they come out of their respective bedrooms]

Jess:
[whispering] Sam's in there.

Nick:
[whispering] Yeah, Amelia's in there. High five for sluts!

Nick:
Just update your résumé, you ninny.

Jess:
Did you call me a ninny?

Nick:
Yeah, I called you a ninny, 'cause you're acting like a ninny, you ninny!

Jess:
Don't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing!

Nick:
Ah! Why would you... Yucky!

Schmidt:
No, no, no. I don't wanna hear it.

Jess:
It hurts, I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I wanna murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.

Winston:
You know what? I feel the same way.

Jess:
Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't wanna hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!

Schmidt:
Hey, Winston, tell him what you have.

Winston:
Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up.

Nick:
Sympathy PMS? What's that?

Jess:
No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.

Jess:
I should also warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.

Winston:
Wait, you think she's perky?

Jess:
Well, she doesn't have my dark side. I got that from my dad.

[Jess enlist Nick and Cece to help her get her divorced parents back together to Nick and Cece]

Nick:
I'm not doing a parent trap.

Jess:
Nick, they got married too young, they got divorced too young. I think this could really make them happy. They need us. Here's the plan: we're gonna make my mom look so hot that my dad can't resist her.

Nick:
Your parent trap-there's no identical twins or mistaken identity. Not a parent trap, it's a makeover.

Jess:
The only thing you have to do is distract my dad.

Nick:
A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling. I feel like you're just throwing this together. This is a makeshift parent trap; they don't work.

Jess:
Why do you have to ruin everything, Nick?

Nick:
I don't know, I've got something bad inside of me. I ruin things. [small pause] Let's do this parent trap.

Melissa:
I'm 32, but my eggs are 48, and my vagina is 97.

Nick:
I am so uncomfortable.

Sadie:
But it gets better with age. It's like the vagina Helen Mirren.

Nick:
Oh, boy.

Schmidt:
You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you... well, a va-genius.

Jess:
Jar.

Sadie:
I know my way around a Grizzly Adams.

Jess:
You, too? Jar.

Sadie:
Wh...

Schmidt:
As an adult male, I would like to ask you a few questions about, you know, the downstairs girl cookie.

Jess:
Jars! Jars! All around jars!

[Jess and Winston fake a burglary to cover for the damage they did to Schmidt's suit collection]

Winston:
Do we have to steal my moustache trimmer?

Jess:
[in a meth-head voice] This is worth three bowls of sweet, sweet meth.

Winston:
[in Jess's room] This?

Jess:
No.

Winston:
This?

Jess:
No.

Winston:
This?

Jess:
I just don't think the meth-heads would want anything in this room. [runs out to the living room] What about this?

Winston:
A landline?

Jess:
[in a meth-head voice] To me, it looks like a meth sandwich.

Nick:
Uh, this is where you work. You the ticket-taker?

Angie:
No, I'm a stripper.

Nick:
Yeah, but... but what is it that you do here?

Angie:
Stripper.

Nick:
Because college is so expensive these days...

Angie:
I'm a stripper.

Nick:
But, only topless...

Angie:
Completely naked.

Jess:
[at a Christmas party, ducking behind Schmidt and Cece] It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on, we're leaving.

Cece:
Sam Sam? Where?

Jess:
Yes, he's right over there. He's talking to a woman whose sexuality I won't jump to conclusions about.

Cece:
I know you're trying to avoid me, but just- just take this gift I got you and I will walk away.

Schmidt:
I don't celebrate Christmas, okay? Or as I like to call it, White Anglo-Saxon Winter Privilege Night.

Jess:
You're dating a stripper, I'm dating a tall, handsome doctor. We're both kind of living the dream.

Nick:
We're not "dating." What Angie and I have together is pure anarchy in, like, a sexy, cool way.

Angie:
[to Nick, while discussing their relationship] You know, I've been arrested three times. Four times. Four to five times. I have tattoos of bands that I don't even like anymore. By the way, you've been really cool about the Jamiroquai tattoo on my butt.

[After Nick's father, Walt, convinced Jess to buy a horse for Nick]

Walt:
I already got people standing by to take the horse off our hands. Horse semen in Dubai is gold!

Jess:
No, you can't sell A Father's Love. There's more to A Father's Love than just semen! Ew! Poetic, but ew.

[Schmidt and Robby go to Cece's apartment to try to win her back]

Cece:
[whispering] Why are the two of you even together?!

Schmidt:
Are you wearing a traditional sari?

Cece:
Yes.

Schmidt:
I begged you to wear a sari. I had all these sari-related sexual scenarios.

Cece:
Shh!

Schmidt:
Monsoon Bedding, The Best Erotic Maribone Hotel.

Cece:
[whispering] Stop that.

Schmidt:
Slum-Doggy-Style Millionaire.

[Jess and Nick go to the house of a student in Jess' creative writing class that Nick thinks is a psychotic killer]

Nick:
If Pepperwood taught me anything-

Jess:
There's no Pepperwood.

Nick:
Never get caught without a safe word. We're gonna go with "apricot."

Jess:
That's way too normal. We need to, like, go with something weird, like "dragon slippers."

Nick:
What?

Jess:
I use "apricot" too much in my normal life.

Nick:
Why do you use "apricot" so much?

Jess:
What am I supposed to call them-"sweet tangy balls"?

Nick:
Don't call them "sweet tangy balls," Jessica.

Schmidt:
My koala claws, now that's a pogo!

Winston:
At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe.

Schmidt:
They make shoes for your penis-they're called pants!

Nick:
[wearing a woman's coat that was accidentally delivered to their apartment] This coat has clean lines... and pockets that don't quit.

Jess:
And it has room for your hips.

Nick:
And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.

Jess:
You're wearing a dress.

Winston:
Yeah, don't say "hot to trot."

Nick:
My coat makes me say things like that!

Schmidt:
Damn it! I've been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pull on a hot summer's day.

Jess:
Nick kissed me.

Cece:
Whaaaaaaaaaa...?!

Jess:
[to Nick] I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!

Jess:
[to Nick] You can't escape destiny! She comes for us all, that relentless bitch! [turns to Schmidt] That's right. Destiny's a lady.

Schmidt:
Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote, Scott Caan.

Jess:
[to Schmidt] I used my body. Is that what you wanna hear? I shook what the good people of Oregon gave me, and I got a parking space.

Jess:
It's so weird to think that Nick is the last person I kissed. Actually, Schmidt's the last person I kissed.

Cece:
Okay, what?

Jess:
It was nothing. Nick was watching.

Cece:
What is happening in this loft?

[Jess and Winston are vying for the attention of a football player]

Winston:
I know all about sports. Jess, you know nothing about sports.

Jess:
Oh, what am I gonna do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs, and adorable personality. [chuckles] Fool.

Winston:
I got, like, three of those things.

Nick:
Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. It's 4-proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant.

Schmidt:
Melon balls.

Winston:
Schmidt, no matter how much you get drunk, Cece's still gonna be engaged.

Schmidt:
Cece?

Winston:
Now, I know you're down about it.

Schmidt:
I'm not down about Cece.

Winston:
This is- this is a mess.

Schmidt:
Listen, there are plenty of things to be down about: the air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I wanna see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me!

Jess:
Ball you?

Jess:
[reading Nick's hardware store list] Long-shafted... drive drill? New nut wrench?

Nick:
Our old nut wrench is bad.

Jess:
Quick-hardening... caulk.

Nick:
You don't wanna wait forever for that caulk to harden.

Jess:
Lube for... drill shaft.

Winston:
I want you to know, I really did love Walt.

Nick:
He was my dad.

Winston:
Yea, but he did love me more than he loved you. He told me that.

Nick:
Yeah, he told me that too actually.

Mysteria:
[to Winston while dancing, about a crying Nick] What's wrong with your friend?

Winston:
He's a virgin.

Mysteria:
Aren't you a virgin, too?

Winston:
Just my penis, baby. Just my penis.

Schmidt:
Bros ever before the ho!

Nick:
Anybody have a jar?

Nick:
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.

Nick:
(to Schmidt) I never told her how I felt. She's here for a couple of days at work. This is my chance. I even got a new shirt. (points to the shirt)

Schmidt:
Yeah, that's a cool shirt. Cool man.

Nick:
Your's making fun of my shirt, Schmidt?

Jess:
(to Sam) Hi! How you doin?

Sam:
Good. (Sam grabs her and they kiss)

Jess:
Ohh. Ahahaha!!! Uh, here's your wallet.

Sam:
Oh, thank you!

Jess:
You've must dropped her on our trip to "No pants city".

(Jess and Cece are doing a makeover on Jess's mom)

Jess's mom:
Just explain to me again why we're doing this.

Jess:
Because, when Cece is all washed up as a model, she wants to be a makeup artist and I wanna help her realize her dream

(Cece looks at Jess madly and Jess says"sorry")

Cece:
Yeah, that's my plan B.

Jess's mom:
Ok, stop. Seriously, it's just too much! The makeup and your dress! The only reason I ware makeup in Portland, it's to keep the rain off of my face.

Jess:
So your hair just does this one thing, right? Sorry!