NewsRadio, Season 2

Lisa:
Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?

[Long pause]

Dave:
[into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...

[Beth shows Bill a nude photo of herself, disguised with a paper bag so he won't recognize her]

Beth:
Bill, what do you think of this photo?

Bill:
Who is that?

Beth:
Oh, it's a friend of mine doing a thesis at NYU, it's a fine arts program.

Bill:
Uh-huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA I'd give her five or six grand.

Beth:
Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy?

Bill:
Well, I don't really think that's germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.

Beth:
Thank you, Bill.

[Bill walks over to Matthew]

Bill:
Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.

Mr. James:
You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.

Lisa:
Yes, I do sir.

Mr. James:
What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.

Dave:
You mean John Lennon.

Mr. James:
No, people liked him.

Mr. James:
You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."

Dave:
(confused) What... what branch of the service were you in sir?

Dave:
But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?

Catherine:
Oh, he's cute Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.

Lisa, Beth:
And Fig Newtons!

Dave:
[faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?

Bill:
You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.

Dave:
Bill, I worked in Milwaukee, you know. It's a city with a population of a million people.

Bill:
So that must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose!

Catherine:
If you ever broadcast my age over the air again I will beat you to death with your own microphone!

Bill:
[laughing] You may be 36, but you still have all the spark and sass of a 35 year old!

Mr. James:
Hey Dave.

Dave:
Hey Mr. James.

Mr. James:
Something troubling you?

Dave:
Yeah.

Mr. James:
Work related?

Dave:
No.

Mr. James:
Girl?

Dave:
Yeah.

Mr. James:
Lisa?

Dave:
Between you and me?

Mr. James:
Yes.

Dave:
Yes.

Mr. James:
Problem?

Dave:
Big fight.

Mr. James:
Due to?

Dave:
Argument.

Mr. James:
Issue?

Dave:
Temper.

Mr. James:
Hers?

Dave:
Mine.

Mr. James:
Hit her?

Dave:
No!

Mr. James:
Throw something?

Dave:
No.

Mr. James:
Call her a name?

Dave:
Yes.

Mr. James:
What?

Dave:
B-word.

Mr. James:
Bitch?

Dave:
Yes.

Mr. James:
Hot dog, now you're talkin'!

[Bill sets up a cubicle around his desk]

Dave:
Have you thought about how this will make you co-workers feel?

Bill:
Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.

Dave:
You slept with your therapist? --

Lisa:
No!

Dave:
Your therapist?

Lisa:
No he wasn't my therapist. I would never sleep with my therapist. He was my professor!

Dave:
You slept with your professor?!

Lisa:
Yeah.

Dave:
I mean, isn't that illegal, and disgusting?

Lisa:
Illegal? No. Inappropriate? Yes. Disgusting? Mmm...Hardly.

Dave:
She steal your high school sweetheart or something?

Beth:
Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail king man!... But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.

[Mr. James puts a heart shaped box in the paper shredder.]

Mr. James:
Ahh, shreddin' a heart. If that's not a metaphor for... something, I don't know what is.

Bill:
What's interesting about radio?

Dave:
Well I think it's a fascinating medium.

Bill:
You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you!

Lisa:
I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everybody spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal.

Bill:
You're a true source of comfort, Lisa.

Lisa:
Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and it's all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.

Dave:
You know my mom does that too.

Lisa:
Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?

Dave:
No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies... But we like it!

Mr James:
How much do I pay you?

Beth:
Not enough.

Mr. James:
That WILL be corrected.

Beth:
Uh-huh.

Mr. James:
Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married?

Melanie:
Well I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach.

Mr. James:
Yeah, well I'm a businessman at heart.

Melanie:
As am I. What's your offer?

Mr. James:
Single rich male seeks matrimony.

Melanie:
Primary residence?

Mr. James:
Westchester County.

Melanie:
Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhattan?

Mr. James:
Central Park West?

Melanie:
South.

Mr. James:
Done. Time spent together.

Melanie:
Eight hours, five days a week.

Mr. James:
Seven hours, twelve hours weekends.

Melanie:
Fifty-five hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later.

Mr. James:
I'm amenable to that. Children.

Melanie:
One.

Mr. James:
Three.

Melanie:
Two.

Mr. James:
Done. But one of them has to be a male.

Melanie:
I'll see what I can do. Vacations.

Mr. James:
December, Hawaii.

Melanie:
June. The Vineyard.

Mr. James:
June fine, but Hawaii.

Melanie:
Nope, the Vineyard.

Mr. James:
Is that a deal breaker for you?

Melanie:
I'm afraid so.

Mr. James:
Me too. Well we gave it a shot.

[Bill arrives at the office with a cane.]

Dave:
Hi, Bill...something wrong with your leg?

Bill:
Not that I'm aware of, but thanks for asking.

Dave:
If there's nothing wrong with your leg, then why the cane?

Bill:
The what?

Dave:
The cane. Your walking stick.

Bill:
Oh, you mean my cane. Picked her up at an antique store over lunch. They say she's over a hundred years old. Hand-carved mahogany with a solid brass tip. What's the matter, Dave? Don't you like my cane?

Dave:
Again, Bill, why do you have a cane?

Bill:
You like my cane, don't you, Catherine?

Catherine:
It's a cane, Bill. Who cares?

Bill:
[laughing] You see, it's just like that saying: "Everybody loves a cane."

Dave:
No, Bill, I believe the saying is "Everybody loves a clown", which is what you look like with that thing.

Bill:
Ahh! You're jealous of her, aren't you?

Dave:
No, Bill, I'm not jealous of her. It's just that it's such an obvious affectation, a desperate bid for attention.

Bill:
Maybe. Or maybe I just like canes.

Bill:
I have a problem, can we talk in your office?

Dave:
Sure.

Bill:
Thanks, and for Pete's sake, take that off, it makes you look like a 12 year old...[takes hat off] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was the hat.

[The Santa in the lobby has been threating to kill Bill]

Bill:
Why are you doing this to me?

Santa:
Do I have your complete attention, Bill McNeal?

Bill:
Yes!

Santa:
Good. [Takes off the Santa hat and beard] My name's Sam Belford. I'm a communications major trying to break into broadcasting. I know this is kind of a silly stunt, but you won't soon be forgetting the name Sam Belford, am I right? And now I'd like to present you with a copy of my demo tape.

Bill:
You did all this to get me to listen to your demo tape?

Santa:
Yes.

Bill:
You're gonna go places in this business, son!

Lisa:
Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.

Bill:
[walking in] Okay people, let's go to Plan B. It's every man for himself!

Lisa:
Listen to me. The last thing we need right now is a power struggle.

Bill:
Absolutely, I'm with you.

Lisa:
Good.

Bill:
All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you who'd like to join my splinter group meet me in the men's room in five minutes.

Mr. James:
It's almost 12:00. Is anybody gonna try to talk me out of this?

Matthew:
Nope. Cause we don't have to.

Mr. James:
Why is that Matthew?

Matthew:
Well, because I took the liberty of turning the clock back ten minutes, it is actually 12:05, which means you missed your midnight deadline... yes!

Mr. James:
Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.

Dave:
Any inappropriate expenditures will be deducted from your salary in the future.

Beth:
That is going too far.

Dave:
No, taking a cab to New Jersey and back is going too far.

Beth:
That was radio-related business.

Dave:
There are plenty of places in Manhattan to buy a radio.

Beth:
Dave, it was a 43% off sale. Apparently, the guy who owned the place went crazy and was slashing prices.

Dave:
Well I may go crazy and slash paychecks if I see another receipt like that.

Mr. James:
Dave, you're the boss. You're supposed to be thick-skinned.

Dave:
I'm plenty thick-skinned.

Mr. James:
Oh yeah, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out...

[Mr. James puts his hand above a lit candle.]

Dave:
Sir, you really don't have to do that to impress me.

Mr. James:
You wanna know the secret?

Dave:
Wild guess... thick skin?

Mr. James:
Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.

Dave:
Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.

Dave:
You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire because... your cats will kill you?

Matthew:
It's called responsibility, David. Wake up and sniff it.

Dave:
By the way, you'll be happy to hear that you're going to New Hampshire after all.

Lisa:
How come Matthew's not going?

Dave:
Well, apparently if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes, his cats start plotting against him.

Lisa:
And people say you're whipped.

Dave:
So, Theo, you want to work in broadcasting?

Theo:
Anything would be better than what I'm doing now.

Dave:
What are you doing now?

Theo:
I give motivational speeches for corporate events.

Beth:
Theo makes me think he's doing one thing but he's really doing something else. He's just like every other guy I've dated except he uses props.

Bill:
(Repeated Line) Dave? [Coffee table falls over]

Bill:
Dave, don't worry about it. You know what they say: "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."

Dave:
...Thanks, Bill. Do you get all your lines from fortune cookies?

[A short while later]

Bill:
Envy not that which not need be possessed.

Dave:
Thanks, Bill.

Bill:
Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family. That one doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's always stuck with me.

Catherine:
This is the most childish stunt you have ever pulled.

Bill:
Au contraire, my dear. Gluing your pencils together was the most childish stunt I ever pulled.

Beth:
You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitchcakes.

Lisa:
Bitchcakes?

Beth:
I just made that up. You think it's gonna catch on?

Catherine:
Joe, get this off there. Get it off there, okay?

Joe:
You can't take something off the Internet.

Catherine:
What?

Joe:
It's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool. It's in there, it's in there.

Jim:
All right, come on you two. Geez, I don't know. It's like everybody's going absolutely bitchcakes here today.

Lisa:
Cards aren't a game of luck. They're a game of strategy, statistics, probability, and money management.

Joe:
Can I talk to you for a minute?

Dave:
It better be good and it better be fast!

Lisa:
I was just about to say that.

Lisa:
Do you have another shirt?

Dave:
Sure. Here you go. [hands Lisa a blue shirt]

Lisa:
Dave, this is identical to the one I have on.

Dave:
No it isn't. That one is Azure and that one is Lapis.

Lisa:
Can I have another shirt, please?

Dave:
[pulls out a series of blue shirts] Let's see, there's Indigo, Sapphire, Sky, and Standard Blue.

Lisa:
Ever see Rain Man, Dave?

Dave:
I resent the hell out of having to spend the day with a man who slept with my girlfriend. I can't tell you how excruciating and uncomfortable this day has been. I mean, what kind of professor sleeps with his sophomore students?

Dr. Frank:
Well, I'm sorry, but I was going through a very strange time back then.

Dave:
Oh, yeah? Wanna talk about it?

Dr. Frank:
Not really.

Dave:
Well, you know what they say, doc: let it out or sweat it out.

Dr. Frank:
Well, I was dealing with a lot of issues.

Dave:
What kind of issues?

Dr. Frank:
[pause] Sexual addiction.

Dave:
I'm sorry, I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as "gettin' a lot"?

Dr. Frank:
Similar. I was out of control, totally indiscriminate - students, faculty, men, women, it didn't matter. [pause] Boy, it feels good to talk about it!

Dave:
Well, that's what I'm here for.

Dr. Frank:
You're a good listener.

Dave:
Thank you.

Dr. Frank:
And you have nice hands.

Dave:
Sorry?

Dr. Frank:
Your hands. I noticed them earlier. They're quite beautiful.

Dave:
You never really resolved the aforementioned problem, did you?

Dr. Frank:
Not really.

Dave:
Wanna talk about it?

Dr. Frank:
[whimpering] Mmm-hmm.

Matthew:
[whispering] Dave.

Dave:
Matthew, why are you whispering?

Matthew:
Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. It's like he's zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap.

Dave:
Zap, zap-zap-zap, eh?

Matthew:
Dave, please don't mock me.

Dave:
It's very hard not to.

Bill:
I hear you're opening for the great one.

Dave:
Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence?

Bill:
Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours.

Dave:
Really?

Bill:
Shriners, Lions clubs, Elk lodges. It's like I'm their king or something.

Dave:
Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.

Lisa:
Are you nervous about that speech tonight?

Dave:
No, I'm cool.

Lisa:
You're cool?

Dave:
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'.

Lisa:
Well, word to your mother.

Mr. James:
Negotiation Secret #7: The early bird...

Beth:
Gets the worm?

Mr. James:
No, gets the other bird's throat ripped out faster.

Beth:
What was the saddest movie you ever saw?

Mr. James:
Oh, Wall Street, where that guy loses all the money.

Dave:
I'm sorry Joe, but I can't let you do this.

Joe:
Okay.

Bill:
Hang on there buddy. I know a diamond in the rough when I see one.

Dave:
What are you talking about Bill? You look- You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him behind the microphone.

Bill:
Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered?

Dave:
That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered.

Bill:
Don't try to confuse me with the facts. Joe, don't let this nattering nabob of negativity break your spirit.

Dave:
Okay, enough fooling around.

Bill:
All right. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. Trying to reason with savages is thirsty business. I'm going to get another cup of coffee.

Dave:
Joe, I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.

Joe:
That's okay man, I don't care.

Dave:
All right. Great.

Joe:
But you got to get somebody in here because we're back on the air in 15 seconds.

Dave:
Right. Uh-

Joe:
Bill just went to the break room.

Dave:
Uh-

Joe:
You gotta get something, I can cover it man. It's no big deal.

Dave:
Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Joe:
I just got one question. What's this mean, "You're listening to WYNNYX"?

Dave:
That's WNYX, Joe.

Joe:
I'm kidding. Relax.

Dave:
All right, good luck.

Joe:
No problem.

Bill:
[Reading Dave's memo to Lisa] Oops!

Dave:
What?

Bill:
This is a word that, in my experience, the ladies don't particularly go for.

Dave:
Oh, that's just a typo. It's supposed to read "pushy."

Bill:
Even if I did blab your personal life to the world, no one would believe me.

Dave:
Why not?

Bill:
Because I am widely believed to be an inveterate liar, and rightly so.

Dave:
Wait a minute, you carry your contract around?

Bill:
At a time like this it doesn't seem so crazy, does it?

Mr. James:
Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1.

Bill:
"Contract transferable to third party in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy and/or act of God"--it doesn't say anything about--

Mr. James:
Read your act of God, clause and clarification.

Bill:
Jimmy James will hereafter and for the purposes of this contract only [realization sets in] be referred to as God.

Dave:
Sir, can I see you in my office for a moment?

Bill:
I know when I'm not wanted.

Catherine:
Then why haven't you left before?

Mr. James:
All right, you know the opponents...

Lisa:
Check.

Mr. James:
You know the odds...

Lisa:
Check.

Mr. James:
And you know the stakes.

Lisa:
Check. Now, how do you play poker?

Bill:
Let me tell you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving: give me my money back.

Bill:
Hey, guy...

Dave:
Bill, at least call him by his name.

Editor:
My name is Guy.

Dave:
[embarrassed pause] Hi, Guy.

Dave:
Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care.