Night Court, Season 7

Dan:
Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.

Roz:
How do you know that?

Dan:
A little birdie told me.

Christine:
Dan, you heard that from Bull!

Dan:
All right, a huge bald condor told me.

Christine:
Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?

Dan:
[grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?

Harry:
So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?

Dan:
Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.

Harry:
He took you to the cleaners, huh?

Dan:
[slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.

Harry:
How bad was it? [Dan hands him King's check] $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?

[Dan writes a figure on a piece of paper and passes it to Harry. Harry compares the two]

Harry:
Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this... [he stops, and compares the two papers again] ...No. Don't look back on this.

[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]

Tony:
I'm looking for Fielding...

Dan:
IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!

[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]

Christine:
Eat mace, bozo!

Tony:
Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop! [shows his badge]

Harry:
You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.

Tony:
[still blinking off the mace] Charmed.

Christine:
Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.

Tony:
I'm undercover, I put it there!

[Dan is hiding from his stalker disguised in a "borrowed" nun's outfit]

Christine:
[not seeing his face] Sister? Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.

[Dan starts to speak up, but changes his mind.]

Dan:
[high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.

Christine:
Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.

Dan:
Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.

Christine:
Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.

Dan:
Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.

Christine:
I don't know where to start.

Dan:
Were you naked?

Christine:
No! No. We just kissed.

Dan:
Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?

Christine:
[perplexed] What?

Dan:
Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?

Christine:
[pulls back the wimple and sees him] DAN! [starts whaling on him] DAN FIELDING, YOU BIG PERVERT!

[she storms away]

[Dan scorns the idea of using Madame Rochelle as a medium.]

Madame Rochelle:
Oh, no expert, huh? Well then, how do I know that as a child, you were called "Potato Face"?

Dan:
[seizes her by the shoulders] HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? [lets go of her and composes himself] I have no idea what she's talking about.

[about the dance marathon contestants]

Harry:
Well, isn't that kind of dangerous?

Bobby Baumgarner, DJ:
[into microphone] Hey, that's half the fun!

[Harry just looks at him.]

Bobby Baumgarner, DJ:
[into microphone] I'll shut up now!

Sascha Minkoff:
You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.

Dan:
Oh? What happened to him?

Sascha Minkoff:
He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.

[Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]

Dan:
What were you doing?

[She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]

Dan:
[shocked] My god, that would generate forty-eight pounds of pressure per square inch!

Sascha Minkoff:
Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?

Judge Casement:
Who's Fielding?

Dan:
I am, Your Honor.

Judge Casement:
Get your butt up here and state your grievance.

[Dan takes the stand.]

Judge Casement:
Briefly, very briefly.

Dan:
[stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!

[pause]

Judge Casement:
You may elaborate.

[after his opening statement]

Dan:
[whispering] How'd I sound?

Harry:
Like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.

[Dan is working at a restaurant under an assumed name.]

Roz:
You're broke, aren't you?

Dan:
You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.

Dan:
Before you warm up the tar and feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to my side of the story.

Judge Casement:
Are you suggesting I'm unfair?

Dan:
You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and accepted witness testimony from people who didn't even know me.

Judge Casement:
They were all women you slept with!

Dan:
That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.

Judge Casement:
I'll take that into account. Anything else?

Dan:
Yes. I would like to thank each of my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.

Roz:
Beats sitting here listening to Harry.

Dan:
I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Wood, for teaching me a very important lesson. You see, all my life I wanted to be rich and important, like you. Even as a kid back in Louisiana, I would wear a tie while slopping hogs, pretending they were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All those years ago, and then suddenly, I had the chance to become one of you! To my own surprise, I said no. Because I realized that... you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even better than the pigs.

Christine:
Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.

Harry:
Why was that?

VHK-937:
[in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!

Dan:
[mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!

Dan Fielding:
[running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?

Christine:
[deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.