Parks and Recreation, Season 7

Jamm:
Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted.

Leslie:
Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact with you again.

Jamm:
I missed you too.

Leslie:
Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel vision about achieving my goals.

[Joan Callamezzo is being honored by Pawnee]

Ben:
Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los Angeles not a wine.

Joan:
Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing?

Ben:
No because he's been famously dead for 60 years.

Joan:
WHAT!?

Tom:
Round of drinks for everyone on the house!

Andy:
Yeah! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. And a spaghetti to go. On the house!

Joan:
[Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham...

Ben:
Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.

Ron:
How's that zero dollar bid coming along? You know in my experience with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and land.

Leslie:
In my experience with buttfaces, you are one!

Leslie:
I didn't even get a chance to say my plan!

Jamm:
Your plan? You know who else had a plan?

Leslie:
Please don't say Hitler-

Jamm:
Adolf Hitler!

Leslie:
Ron! What did you do!?

Ron:
I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote.

Leslie:
No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote away from me! And I know this because earlier, I sneaked and snooked around and Jammy was supposed to vote for me! The snooker has become the snorked!

Leslie:
So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that.

Jamm:
Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest.

Leslie:
I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it seems like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come on! You love Porsches and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card.

Jamm:
Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right!

[Jamm breaks down crying]

Jamm:
Oh God!

Leslie:
Oh boy...

Jamm:
Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought so!

Leslie:
Well...

Jamm:
[Crying] Oh God! Oh God!

Leslie:
Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken you! You need to get away from her!

[Jamm pulls some of his hair out]

Jamm:
Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!

[Jamm starts laughing and crying hysterically]

Leslie:
Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh?

Jamm:
[whispering] Do it!

Ron:
There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!

Leslie:
[Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey you big hunk of wiener meat! I've got 40 hand towels, some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get gross! [Starts humping Ron's shoulder]

Ron:
This gambit has failed. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!

[Leslie, Ron and Jamm are confronting Tammy Two]

Tammy Two:
Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies?

Jamm:
Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up.

Tammy Two:
Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get to you?

Jamm:
They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.

Tammy Two:
[In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby!

Leslie:
We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do?

Jamm:
I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY!

Leslie:
Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible...

Jamm:
It's over Tammy.

Tammy Two:
Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we consummate our relationship tonight!?

[Tammy strips all her clothes off until she's standing naked in the middle of the library]

Tammy Two:
Huh? Let's do it!

Ron:
Oh ho ho and the last card is played!

Leslie:
What are you doing!?

Random Lady:
Shhh! This is a library!

Leslie:
Do you see what's happening here!?!

Jamm:
Ron I need that crotch blinder!

Ron:
No you don't! Just end it!

Tammy Two:
Look at my boobs.

Jamm:
No!

Tammy Two:
Look downstairs.

Jamm:
No!

Tammy Two:
There's a prize inside for you.

Jamm:
It's over Tammy.

Tammy Two:
What!?

Jamm:
To Hell with you woman. Goodbye!

[While the others walk out Tammy starts yelling hysterically and knocking over bookshelves]

Tammy Two:
HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!

Ron:
Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along.

Tammy Two:
COME ON EVERYBODY! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!

[Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.]

Leslie:
Ron, what are you doing?

Ron:
I know I saw it. Aha!

[Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.]

Ron:
Detonator...

[He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the Parks Department.]

Ron:
The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago...

[He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore in front of it.]

Ron:
I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out of here!

Leslie:
Ron, just...wait a second...

Ron:
No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution!

Leslie:
There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do that...

Ron:
Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE!

[Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."]

Leslie:
Ooh!

[She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.]

Leslie:
I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks Director.

Ron:
[slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially defused claymore mine.

Leslie:
Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such.

Ron:
You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years?

Leslie:
You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on your desk?

Ron:
You left. Then about a month later you took Terry with you.

Leslie:
Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there is.

Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good to pass up so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business, Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone. So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision.

[flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office]

Leslie:
Hey! Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson?

Ron Hello, Leslie. Hello, April, Larry.

Larry:
Uh, it's Terry now.

Ron:
OK. As luck would have it-

[Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate]

Leslie:
Just a second. Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell the northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be waiting forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to Ron] Sorry, this is a crazy day. So what's up with you, you big lug?

Ron:
Nothing important. Just thought you might want to have lunch. Tomorrow?

Leslie:
I would love to! It's been too long! JJ's Diner, 12:30.

Ron:
Excellent. See ya then.

Leslie:
OK!

April:
So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in Washington to prep.

Leslie:
Oh my God, really?

April:
Yep.

Leslie:
OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files, meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line] Hey babe, I gotta go to Washington. Can you pick up the kids?

[cuts back to 2017]

Leslie:
Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch.

Ron:
You did, yes. I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic.

Leslie:
Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? [Ron goes silent] You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have lunch. Ron, you were going-?

Ron:
I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.

Leslie:
You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third floor and work with us again. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I'm so sorry. I should have been a better friend to you.

Ron:
Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside...

Leslie:
Your metaphors are so beautiful.

Ron:
...but it was time for me to leave. And I didn't feel like explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I looked around this office, nothing was the same.

Leslie:
Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that.

[Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office, and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there]

Ron:
Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?

Leslie:
People are idiots, Ron.

Leslie:
Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical Waste Butt-Sweat Grove.

Craig:
I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control but planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: flowers, schedule, vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church, event, wedding and Craig.

Donna:
The Meagles are a coldblooded crew of judgmental grudge holders. My cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my Grandpa's house and he wrote her out of his will. The last four Meagle family pictionary tournaments ended at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an international flight together. But they give great gifts! Gotta get that flatware.

Leslie:
Okay, monsters! Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we are going to a hotel but Roz is gonna stay here with you.

Roz:
Yeah we are gonna have so much fun! We're gonna play games! We're gonna color! ...Maybe we're even gonna sit quietly for...30 seconds!? [the kids run off] Do you think that I could have 30 seconds!?

Leslie:
[to Ben] She's fading. Roz! Hey! You are a wonderful nanny. You're tough and strong and you're an excellent caretaker for our children.

Ben:
Yeah every time you come to our house we are so happy to see you.

Leslie:
I love you more than Ben.

Ben:
...

Leslie:
I do. If Ben left me I would be sad but I would get though it. But if you left me...I would never recover.

Roz:
[touched] Thanks. That helps.

Ben:
Things aren't that chaotic.

Roz:
[running in] All three of them just bumped into each other and broke everything you own!

[loud crash in the background]

Roz:
I don't know what that was.

Gayle:
Oh would you look at that! Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom is giving his lady friend a gift.

Jerry:
You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day.

Gayle:
Oh I got the greatest gift of all, being married to you!

Jerry:
Oh sweetie!

Ron:
Control yourselves Gergiches!

[One of Leslie and Ben's kids runs by]

Jen:
Whoa! What was that!? That was huge!

Roz:
Two of the three kids are showering in their pajamas and most of Ben's ties are in the toilet. Just like as an update of where things are at.

Jen:
I mean this is chaos.

Andy:
The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive but seem aggressive. I feel like there should a be a term for that like "Nicey-Meany."

April:
Yeah I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men who were arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne in that grocery store in 1970.

Andy:
Here are all the troublemakers boss.

April:
Thank you. Meagles! I am not screwing around! Okay!? Lauren, no more discussion of Majorca. Majorca is off limits! Brian and Gloria, stop making Horatio feel bad that your daughter went to Yale, no one gives a shit! And Ginuwine...

Ginuwine:
...Yes?

April:
Get it together!

Ginuwine:
[crying] Sorry April, Cathy started this.

April:
[mocking] Cathy started this-I DON'T CARE!

Leslie:
Babe you are killing it!

Ben:
I am right!?

Leslie:
Yes!

Ben:
Even just thinking I'm a congressman makes me feel like one! Oh also I have a little secret, I'm drunk!

Leslie:
I am too! Ever since we had our kids it only takes like one sip of wine!

Ben:
I feel so good and condifent...con...I feel condifent.

Ben:
[drunk] Hey everybody! I'm Ben Wyatt! Listen, we of course are here to celebrate Donna and Joe and I have to say you know getting married is the bravest most wonderful thing you can do. Because everyday you come home and your just like "What!? It's you! I love you! You're my sexy roommate! We love each other!"

Leslie:
Wooo! He's talkin about me!

Ben:
Yes I am baby doll! Look. Donna and Joe are great! You all, are great! And this wedding, is gonna be amazing! Let's get some music and dancing going. And I am Ben Wyatt and I very much APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!

[music starts playing and Leslie and Ben start drunk dancing]

April:
You want me to shut that down?

Donna:
No I liked it. Let the little man dance.

Ben:
Oh God I'm remembering things. We called Jen last night didn't we?

Leslie:
Yeah we did. I also called 867-5309 a hundred times.

Jen:
You left me four messages last night.

Ben:
What?

Jen:
They contain very specific policy positions.

[Jen holds up her phone]

Ben:
[over phone] I wanna come out strong on education then I'll tack hard into fiscal responsibility!

Ben:
Oh God...

Leslie:
[over phone] 867-5309!

Jen:
I love that song.

Leslie:
[over phone] Jenny I got your numb- Hey babe it's ringing!

Leslie:
Wow honey you were a lot more lucid than I was.

Jen:
Wait, were you guys drunk? That is hilarious! Oh you guys are gonna fit in so great in Washington. Most of Congress is drunk all of the time.

Leslie:
Oh my God! Oh! Look how beautiful you look!

Donna:
Leslie, I'm not even in my dress yet.

Leslie:
[crying] But you're gonna be very soon!

Donna:
Alright I wanna say something to my girls. Knope, your a softie but on the inside you are straight up boss. April, you're the exact opposite. Ya'll inspire me and I love you. And you too Michelle.

[Michelle walks up]

Donna:
Michelle. You were my best friend from childhood. Until we lost touch because you thought your college boyfriend was into me. He was. I never gave him the time of day. But now, we're rebuilding our friendship. Is this wedding gonna be a test for you? Yes. But the doctors once told ya you were never gonna walk again so this should be easy right?

Leslie:
Wow what a complicated tapestry that is!

Garry:
Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed.

Andy:
Donna! Joe! I hope you saved a slice of that cake for your estranged brother, Levandrious!

[gasps from the crowd]

Levandrious:
What's up girl? Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your wedding huh? Well I'm here despite what you did to me all those years ago.

Donna:
What I did!?! This is because of what YOU did!

Levandrious:
Oh you must be referring to the microwave incident.

Donna:
Yeah!

Levandrious:
Don't worry. I brought it back.

[Levandrious picks up a microwave and throws it on the ground]

Levandrious:
Now no-one gets any popcorn!

[Donna looks at April and smiles]

Leslie:
What did I do wrong now?

Elise Yartkin:
No, actually we at the IOW loved what you said in your speech.

Leslie:
Really!?

Elise Yartkin:
But, what we loved even more was how you, Ben gave Leslie a platform on which to speak her mind. Congratulations Ben Wyatt. You are this year's IOW Woman of the Year.

Leslie:
Son of a bitch!

Ron:
[In a commercial] Hire Very Good Building Company for all your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar.

[Leslie, who has a longstanding hatred for libraries and librarians, has just had a library named after her.]

Leslie:
[muttering] A fucking library?

[The series' last lines]

Ben:
You ready, babe?

Leslie:
Yes. I'm ready.