Phil of the Future, Season 2

Phil:
(as Pim) Keely, there's something I have to tell you about Phil.

Keely:
Forget it. I will never forgive Phil.

Phil:
(as Pim) I'm Phil.

Keely:
(sarcastically) Oh, sure! Nice skirt, "Phil"!

Phil:
(as Pim) When you were 10, you accidentally let your pet hamster lose, but you told your mom the Hamster Liberation Front broke in and set it free.

Keely:
I can't believe Phil told you that!

Phil:
(as Pim) You told me that. I'm Phil.

Keely:
Phil?!

Phil:
(as Pim) Candida and the Fashion Zombies are planning to torture Pim at lunch. I have to stop them.

Keely:
After all the horrible stuff she's done to you, why would you help her?

Phil:
(as Pim) Pim can be a little mean, some would say "evil", but after switching places with her, I realize how tough she has it.

Keely:
So, what are you gonna do?

Phil:
(as Pim) Well, I have a plan, but I need help. How fast can you spread the word?

Keely:
(pulls out her cell phone) Speed of light!

Phil:
(as Pim) Well, that's a little slow, but it will do.

Keely:
You got it, Phil. Phil, this is the girl's room! Get the heck out of here!

Keely:
Well, I don't have a great taste in boyfriends, but at least I have a great taste in boys...who are friends.

Phil:
Yeah, that's me. Friend boy.

Phil:
You're just being a...Flirty McFlirtinhopper!

Keely:
I am not a Flirty Mc...Whatyousaid!

Mr. Messerschmitt:
Because there is such a test, a test so difficult that no student has ever passed: the Omicron Gambit.

Phil:
The Omicron Gambit?

Mr. Messerschmitt:
The Omicron Gambit is a test of my own creation, It has been banned in seventeen school districts and for some reason, Chile. I've only given it once to an 11th grader, Stacy Pimpkins. How's it coming, Stacy?

(An old lady is shown)

Stacy:
I'm going to miss cheerleading practice!

Lloyd:
Pim, let it go.

Pim:
Vice Principal is our next-door neighbor. I will never let it go.

Keely:
Guess what! I got us tickets to a sneak preview of "Samurai Love You."

Phil:
Ooh, Samurai-don't-think-so; it sounds like a chick-flick. I'm out.

Keely:
Come on, I went to that science fiction movie and sat through two and a half hours of you going "Wrong, wrong, wrong!"

Phil:
But it was all wrong!

Phil (to Keely):
I don't wanna be your girlfriend. I wanna be your boyfriend.....I mean, your friend . . . who's a boy. A guy. A guy friend.

Keely:
Why didn't you tell me?

Phil:
I didn't know how.

Keely :
Phil, you can tell me anything....I'm your girlfriend. I, I, I mean . . . your friend who's a girl. A gal. A gal friend.

Keely (kisses Phil on cheek):
That's for introducing me to Via.

Phil:
I get a kiss every time I introduce you to a girl? (grabs a random girl in hall) What's your name? Have you met Keely?

Keely:
Hi, Jenna.

Owen:
Hey there, Jenna. Where ya goin'? Owen's this way!

Phil:
Of course not, I'm just adorable!

Phil:
I thought being remembered a hundred years from now wasn't important. But I'd give a hundred years of memories just to remember the most important, special, wonderful person I've ever met: Keely Teslow.

Pim:
Start forking over the green stuff! The higher the domination, the sooner this bell stops ringing!

Pim (to a boy):
You! Drop and give me twenty! (the boy drops to floor and does push-ups) Um, nice form and all, but I meant twenty dollars.

Keely:
Come here, mister, you just saved the field trip. (hugs Phil)

Curtis:
Next time hug Curtis shave Phil.

Keely:
Oh, come here.

Curtis:
No, too late.

Keely:
Yes, no! Darn. Sunday, our house is being tented.

Phil:
Termites?

Keely:
No. Sunday, my uncle's coming to visit. He's a clown, if he doesn't feel at home, he gets pretty angry.

Keely (to Joel):
Your dad doesn't come home until...MESSERSCHMITT!

Pim:
MESSERSCHMITT!

Candida:
MESSERSCHMITT!

Phil:
Messer-ba-ba...what she said!

Mr. Hackett:
(after Pim's hair frizzes out) No smoking!

Phil (to Keely):
What happened after we left advanced math? Are we busted? Does Hackett know it's me?

Keely:
Nope. After Hackett called me a genius, he gave us independent study so we could each work on our own math problems. I figured out that if you punch in 07734 on a calculator and turn it upside down, it spells hello! (begins to laugh)

Mr. Hackett (to Keely):
How could you know the answer to such a difficult mathematical equation?

Keely:
I'm a good guesser.

Mr. Hackett:
That was no guess. The last student who guessed said, "corduroy."

(Phil and Keely enter an empty room)

Keely:
Is everyone here?

Phil:
Yes (flips on the lights)

(Keely looks around at the empty room)

Phil:
We are now The Resistance. We keep everything secret and we figure out a way to break Pim down. Now the first thing we need is....

Keely:
Code names! Yeah....

Phil:
I was going to say we need a plan, but yeah, we can do code names. All right, we'll call you White Panther.

Keely:
That is so me! Oh! And you can be Mr. Fuzzy Bear.

Phil:
I give you a name like White Panther and I get Fuzzy Bear? I don't think so, call me....call me....Midnight Cobra.

Keely:
Okay, okay. Midnight Whatever. Ha. (whispers) Fuzzy Bear.

Phil:
All right, next question. "This debate hurls corn." That's not a question.

Keely (to Phil):
It was fun being in the resistance. What else can we resist?

Phil:
Uhh, how about "Fish Stick Friday" in the cafeteria?

Keely:
Perfect! But we're going to need entirely new code names.

Phil:
All right, but this time, I get to pick. All right, you can be Kitten Velor and I'll be Dash Unicorn.

Keely:
(laughs) Okay.

Phil:
Wait, wait, no....

Keely:
Nope. Too late.

Phil:
Dash Manly?

Phil:
(Yawning Loudly) (Sniffs a shirt) Whoa! Hohh! That's not clean.

Barbara:
Good morning, Sweetheart. Breakfast is ready.

Phil:
Mom, I'm not dressed!

Barbara:
(Laughing) Oh, Phil, I was there the day you popped out of your natal pod. You don't have anything i haven't seen already.

Phil:
Yeah, except for the sign on the door that says "Please Knock."

Lloyd:
Hey, Phil! That "Please Knock" sign is lookin' a little shabby. I'll touch it up for you as soon as i store these photon conduits.

Phil:
Dad, Look. I know that space in the garage is a little tight right now, But why does my room have to become your storage closet?

Lloyd:
Because the sign on Pim's door says "Keep Out Or Else," and i don't want to find out what "Or Else" means.

Phil:
Well, I don't have room for all this junk.

Computer:
This unit is not junk.

Lloyd:
Be careful what you say around the time engine C.P.U. It's a little emotionally unstable right now.

Computer:
This unit reads lips, you know. and this unit's going through a lot right now.

Phil:
Well, if it's ok with everyone else in this family. I kinda find getting dressed a little bit of a private affair.

Lloyd:
No Problem. I got some more stuff to bring up, anyway.

Phil:
(Puts shirt over the unit)(Sighs) Nothing personal.

Computer:
Nothing this unit hasn't seen already.

(He changes with the wizard and is in swiss clothes) (Swiss Yodeling Music Plays)

Phil:
(Gasps) Pim! Do You Think This Is Funny?

Pim:
Not yet...But it'll be hilarious on the front page of my blog.

(Yodeling Music)

Lloyd:
Hey, Everybody, I'm thinkin' tonight's the night for game night.

Pim:
Dad, You're still shy 20 large from last month's game of snakes and ladders, blood-sport edition.

Lloyd:
Well, I have finally found a present-day game that i can win. It's called (Mispronouncing) Charad-Zah.

Barbara:
Ooh, charad-zah! Sounds fancy. We're gonna need some cheese.

Phil:
It's not called charad-zah. It's called charades. All right? And if you don't mind, I'm gonna take a rain check.

Lloyd:
Rain check. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. I haven't even lost yet.

Barbara:
Phil, It's game night. Don't you want to spend time with your family?

Phil:
I think i spend enough time with you all in my room. You just walk in whenever you want. You store all your time machine junk in there, and you(Pim)...Live here. It--(Sighs) Don't get me wrong. All right? I love almost all of you, but i think what i really need is some privacy in my own room.

(Loud Rumbling)

Pim:
Sounds like your own room is about to blow a gasket.

Lloyd:
Maybe i shouldn't have stored the hysterical fuel cells next to the self-propelled spark rods.

(Crashing)

(Clattering And Breakage)

Lloyd:
Yeah, that was probably a mistake.

Phil:
My room!

Pim:
You're not getting any privacy with that giant gaping hole in your floor. Tough break, Kid.

Phil:
This is way too big to fix for the wizard. Maybe dad will lend me some of his future tools.

Lloyd:
Are you kidding? My tools are calibrated for high-tech plastics and composites, not for wood and nails. They're extremely, extremely sensitive.

(Clatter)

Lloyd:
Oh. Little help, please?

Phil:
Well, where am i gonna sleep?

Barbara:
You'll just have to bunk with Pim until we can get this fixed.

Together:
(Laughing)

Phil:
That was a good one, Mom.

Pim:
Yeah, way to cut the tension.

Phil:
Oh...Oh, i'd rather live in the garage.

Barbara:
Well, i'm open to any better ideas.

Phil:
I'd rather live in the garage.

Lloyd:
Hey, I think that's a great--ly...Bad idea. Greatly bad.

Barbara:
I--I hate to say it, but i agree with your father. you are too young to be living in the garage.

Pim:
I say it's high time to push him out of the nest and say, "Fly, Baby Bird! Spread those wings and make us proud."

Lloyd:
I agree with your mother.

Barbara:
I haven't said anything yet.

Lloyd:
Oh, it's just kind of a technicality, isn't it?

Pim:
Mom, you just said phil is so young, he should live in the garage.

Barbara:
No...I Didn't.

Phil:
Uh, that's what i heard.

Lloyd:
I'm just sayin' i agree.

Phil:
What's it gonna be, Mom?

(Suspense Music Builds)

Barbara:
Just...Until--

Phil:
Yes! Thank You! Thank You!

Pim:
The house...Is mine! All mine!

Barbara:
Pim! I've told you a hundred times if you're gonna disappear under cover of a smoke bomb, take it outside!

Pim:
(Distantly) Sorry, Mom.

Phil:
I really appreciate you makin' room for me, Curtis.

Curtis:
Uh...Uhh...Tsee-tonga.

Phil:
What's the matter?

Curtis:
Newcomer not allowed live inside without first ceremony of king. Ah. (Chuckles)

Phil:
Is this gonna take long?

Curtis:
Curtis must thank sun, earth wind. 3 days.

Phil:
Can we speed it up a little?

Curtis:
Hmm...Ahh, we no thank wind. 2 minutes, Tops. Ceremony begin! Tseeaahhh...Tseee...Tonga!

(Thunder)

Phil:
Thank the wind! Thank the wind!

Curtis:
Um...Sun tonga! Tonga!

(Bird Tweets)

Curtis:
Wind very persnickety today.

Phil:
Yeah.

Curtis:
Okay. Ha ha!

Phil:
Where do i put my bags?

Curtis:
No, no! Not there! No! Not there. Just give Curtis.

(Clattering)

Curtis:
Switch that make magic light here. Box that make magic picture...Here.

(Fly Buzzes)

Phil:
What's This?

Curtis:
Honor bar.

Phil:
This is awesome!

Curtis:
Curtis run a few errands. Phil need anything?

Phil:
No, no, i'm good.

Curtis:
Okay. Okay. Tsee tonga. Hey, Girlie.

Keely:
Hey, Phil. I came...By to...See the new...

Phil:
What do you think?

Keely:
It's a garage.

Phil:
I know! Isn't this the coolest place to live ever?

Keely:
Yeah, if you're a car. (Chuckles)

Phil:
I admit it's no swanky penthouse in the pickford swank district. You know, this is my chance to get free from under my parents!

Keely:
You're right. I'm--I'm sorry. I think you can really do a lot with this place. and the first thing we're gonna do is throw you a garage-warming party.

Barbara:
(Sighs)

Pim:
Feed me. Come on, Ma. I'm on empty.

Barbara:
I...Set 4 places for breakfast, but we only need (Tearfully) 3. Seems like only yesterday that phil ate breakfast here.

Pim:
It was yesterday.

Barbara:
Remember the first day...Right after he moved out?

Pim:
That's now. You're being nostalgic about now!

Barbara:
I know it's hard for you to understand, Pim. When you get older, you'll see that time really does fly.

Lloyd:
Has anyone seen my Welder's helmet?

Pim:
Not if dad's the pilot.

Barbara:
Lloyd, have you made any headway with the floor repair?

Lloyd:
Sweetie, you're forgetting we don't live in the 22nd century, where you have everything you need with the press of a button. I'm gonna have to go out and find a place that specializes in hammers, nails, uh, paints, plaster. It's not like i can quit my job at the hardware store and then just...Wait a minute. I just thought of a place.

Phil:
Bruno. Hey. Phil Diffy. How's the H.G. Wells star quarterback? Hey, congrats on winning the fingerbowl last week. Yeah. Listen, Keely and i are throwing a housewarming party at my place tonight. Uh, and, well, you're on the short list. Yeah. I--I got my own crib out back.

(Loud Vacuuming)

Phil:
Hello! Bruno?! Bruno! Hey...I Gotta go. Curtis, i was on the phone.

Curtis:
Feet also on table. Where'd you learn manners? Barnyard?

Phil:
I'm not the caveman here.

Curtis:
Could fool Curtis. Phil clothes. Oh, Phil, Phil. Now...Curtis clothes. Phil books...Curtis books. Curtis arrange by author...Then subject.

Phil:
Are you finished?

Curtis:
Now we talk about throwing party without Curtis approval?

Phil:
Okay. I just moved away from my mother. I don't need another one.

Curtis:
Then stop acting like child.

Phil:
I am not a child. I'm a responsible adult...Like person, and i don't need your permission to throw a party.

Curtis:
In Curtis cave, you play by Curtis rules.

Phil:
Okay, technically this isn't a cave. And even more technically, this cave is my garage!

Curtis:
Oh! Phil claim Curtis cave?!

Phil:
Oh, you don't scare me.

Curtis:
Arrhh!

Phil:
Okay. Okay. You scare me a little.

Lloyd:
Phil! Great news.

Phil:
What?

Lloyd:
First of all, in the 21st century, there are these places called hardware stores. I work at one! Ha ha!

Barbara:
Your father found some present-day tools me can use to fix your floor. You'll be able to move back in no time.

Curtis:
Yeah.

Pim:
What?!

(Door Slams)

(Footsteps)

(Door Opens And Closes)

(Second Footsteps)

(Second Door Opens And Closes)

(Third Footsteps)

Pim:
I couldn't help but overhear.

Phil:
Look, i don't want to move back in. I like it out here.

Pim:
And i like him out here.

Barbara:
Phil, you are too young to be living in the garage.

Phil:
When are you going to get it? I'm not a little kid anymore.

Lloyd:
Barb, it's not gonna hurt to let Phil give it a shot.

Curtis:
Wait. Curtis no want to live in garage with Phil.

Phil:
Then you can live in my room.

Pim:
(Laughing) Yes!

Curtis:
Mmm...Curtis on board.

Lloyd:
Well, ho-hold on. Hold on. Phil's bedroom floor isn't fixed yet. It's gonna take quite a while.

Curtis:
You got a lumber, floor joists, perhaps a plumb line?

Lloyd:
Yeah.

Curtis:
Curtis solve problem right now.

Lloyd:
Nice job.

Curtis:
Yeah.

Barbara:
I'm not crazy about the rug. (Gasps)

Curtis:
Uh, Curtis still have to sand it.

Phil:
Great. Uh, Curtis can have my room, and i'll take the garage.

Barbara:
If you want to break a mother's heart!

Phil:
Don't worry. I'm still your little boy...Barb.

Barbara:
Ohhh...My baby's come home.

Phil:
Got to stop doing that every time i walk in the door, Barb. Mrs. Diffy? Mom?

Lloyd:
Ah. A little snack for game night?

Phil:
Actually, Dad...Mr. Diffy, Lloyd?

Lloyd:
What? It's fun.

Phil:
I...Am throwin' a little party at my place tonight.

Lloyd:
Well, since you want to be, uh, treated as an adult...

Phil:
"Bill For Food"? (Chuckles) Get this stuff cheaper at the store.

Lloyd:
You're paying for convenience. That's why i located here. And while we're on the subject...

Phil:
Gas...Electric...Water, internet?

Lloyd:
Welcome to grown-up world. You get the gains, you get the pains.

Phil:
(Chuckles) Very funny, Lloyd.

(Party Music Playing)

Keely:
I have to admit...This place looks amazing. You'd never even know it's a garage.

(Loud Knocking)

Phil:
Hupp, got it!

(Door Opener Hums)

Phil:
Hey...Bruno! And you brought your crew. Come on in, Bruno's crew.

Bruno:
Cool. You got your own place.

Phil:
Yeah. Yeah. Would've been long ago, but, you know, parents couldn't bear to lose me. You can see their house from here.

Bruno:
Brought you a little housewarming. Some of Bruno's famous slaw.

Phil:
It's...It's empty.

Bruno:
We got caught in traffic.

Keely:
Congratulations on winning the teriyaki poll.

Bruno:
You know, Keely, uh...All we can really do is try. But when you try with a little umph, you get umph out of your try...Which makes triumph. (Chuckles)

(Sigh Uncomfortably)

Bruno:
That's right. Chew on that while i chew on this.

(Circuit Breaker Shuts Off)

Phil:
All right, Everbody, just relax. I'll handle this...And, Bruno, that--that's me, not Keely.

Bruno:
Sorry.

(Indistinct Chatter)

Phil:
That's still me. Lloyd, you turned off the electricity in the garage.

Lloyd:
Sorry, Phil, but you didn't pay your bill.

Phil:
But we just got this party started. Can't you wait to turn off the electricity till later, like, when i go to sleep?

Lloyd:
Sure...In kid world, but this is adult world, where electricity goes off when you don't pay your bills.

Keely:
Phil, everybody's gonna head home! I mean...What can a bunch of teenagers do in a garage in the dark with no parental supervision?

Phil:
You're right. All right. Well, thanks for comin'.

Bruno:
F.Y.I...The slaw container's not dishwasher-safe, so if you could just give it a quick little rinse-ski...that'd be good.

Keely:
I'm gonna head home, too. Happy garage.

Lloyd:
Phil. Why don't you come in the house for dinner and game night? You can be on my team for (Mispronouncing) Charades!

Phil:
That is my home, and that's where i'm staying. I don't need electricity, and i don't need you!

(Clattering)

Phil:
Can you at least keep the electricity on until i get to the couch? Thank you.

Barbara:
Curtis. It was so nice of you to cook tonight.

Curtis:
Thanks, Mom.

Lloyd:
And delicious! What was this? Beef? Pork? Chicken?

Curtis:
Uh...Just say...Not fast runner.

Lloyd:
Oh.

Pim:
There are so many things i like about Curtis. He's not Phil, he was no Phil-like qualities, and, unlike Phil, he's someone other than Phil.

Curtis:
Oh! Curtis like Pim, too. Pim pretty...And smart.

Pim:
Thank you, Curtis.

Curtis:
Pim good digger, too.

Pim:
That's enough, Curtis.

Lloyd:
Digger?

Curtis:
Curtis find excellent tunnels from Pim's room to back fence. Uh, main tunnel, side tunnel, emergency tunnel--

Pim:
Zip it, Curtis!

Barbara:
Tunnels?

Curtis:
Pim very thoughtful, too. Only use dead of night so not wake up Barb and Lloyd.

Barbara:
You...Are grounded. 2 weeks for every tunnel you made.

Lloyd:
And we mean above-grounded.

Pim:
You knuckle-dragging yaboo!

Curtis:
Nrrahh!

Lloyd:
Enough! We are all gonna join in a rousing game of (Mispronouncing) Charades and have a jolly old time. Okay? Do i make myself clear?

Both:
Yes, Dad.

Barbara:
Honey, how can we have game night without the whole family?

Lloyd:
I've already asked Phil, honey, and he'd rather be in his garage. he loves it there.

Barbara:
Um...Oh...Oh! Oh! Ooh...Oh! Romeo and Juliet!

Lloyd:
Yeah!

Barbara:
Yes!

Lloyd:
Yay! The score--Curtis and Pim, zip, the almighty megalatrons, 3!

Pim:
You'd think someone who could barely talk would be better at this game.

Curtis:
Ooh, Curtis cut in 2 by Pim wit.

Barbara:
Pim, your turn.

Lloyd:
Here we go. Ha ha!

Curtis:
Focus! 3 word! Last word. Run! Leave! Go! Uh, Pim go! Pim dig! Oh. Pim dig tunnel and leave house! Bad Pim. Pim grounded.

Pim:
That's it! You're done!

Lloyd:
Pim, down!

Curtis:
Pim no scare Curtis.

Pim:
Rahrr!

Curtis:
Okay, Pim scare Curtis a little.

Pim:
Just give me 5 seconds with him!

Lloyd:
Now, Pim, calm down!

Curtis:
Makalowa tsee-tonga!

Barbara:
Curtis! Watch your language! Get--Oh!

(Screaming And Crashing)

Lloyd:
Ohh! Ooh!

Phil:
Ohh! Ohh! How'd you sneak in here? Tunnel number 3?

Pim:
You know about 3-zie?

Phil:
I've always known. I've just never told mom and dad.

Pim:
Too bad jurassic the clown doesn't share your code of honor. One day, and he's already gotten me grounded for a month.

Phil:
Well, let's just hope he doesn't figure out your plan to breed and market attack squirrels.

Pim:
You know about that, too? See? You're a much more worthy opponet. Too bad you're out of here, right?

Phil:
(Sighs) I'll break my rule and be honest with you. I don't really love being on my own, but if i tell mom and dad, then i'm right back where i started.

Pim:
I'm seeing a mutually beneficial arrangement. I get rid of Curtis and you get your room back without groveling.

Phil:
Look, I am willing to try anything if it gets me back into the house and lets me keep my new-found maturity.

Pim:
So why'd you sneak in here anyway? Forget your blankie?

Phil:
No. Just a small swatch of fabric that means absolutely nothing to me.

Pim:
(Wheezing) (Whimpering)

Lloyd:
Whoa! Pim!

Barbara:
What's wrong, Sweetheart?

Lloyd:
Another nightmare about the collapse of the capitalist system?

Pim:
(Whining) I miss my big brother.

Lloyd:
Are we both dreaming the same dream or did Pim just say she misses Phil?

Barbara:
It's Pim and she's our little girl and she misses our little boy.

Lloyd:
And when did she get freckles?

Barbara:
Lloyd, we are losing touch with our children!

Pim:
(As A Baby) Is Phil ever coming back?

Barbara:
Lloyd, I don't care how you do it, I want you to convince Phil to move back in.

Lloyd:
Okay, honey, first thing in the morning.

Pim:
(Slap)

Lloyd:
Aah! You mean now, don't you?

Pim:
Thank you, Daddykins.

Barbara:
I'm coming with, Honey.

Pim:
(Whimpering)

(Door Closes)

Pim:
(Sighs) Ahh, this mattress flexes to meet my every curve.

Lloyd:
Hi, Phil!

Phil:
Lloyd. Barb.

Barbara:
Well, won't you come in?

Lloyd:
Is there any way we can convince you to move back into your old room?

Phil:
Gee, Lloyd, I don't know.

Barbara:
We promise to always knock before entering your room.

Lloyd:
It's your sister Pim, she really misses you.

Phil:
Oh. Well, if it's for Pim...Sure. (Scoffs) Kids, huh?

Barbara:
He really is growing up. Oh! He dropped his blankie.

Mr. Hackett:
He's beautiful! Can I keep him?

Phil:
He's...yours.

Mr. Hackett:
Yippee!! Ya know, two is such a couple, but three would be like my own little party!

(Phil makes another replicate of Mr. Hackett)

Mr. Hacketts:
Yippee!!

Lloyd:
Look at all the aluminum foil!

Barbara:
Lloyd, put it back.

Keely:
Phil Diffy, you are the most wonderful boy I have ever known.

Phil:
So I actually saved us?

Lloyd:
I guess so.

Pim:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, he's the bad kid for 10 seconds and that's it? I will not stand for this injustice!!

Barbara:
Wanna put the star on top of the tree?

Pim:
'Kay.

Keely:
Hey, did you happen to notice how Kyle was looking at Brenda in math?

Phil:
Keely, have you not learned your lesson? Meddling only leads to trouble.

Keely:
Yeah, sorry. It just drives me crazy when two people, who are meant to be together, are too clueless to do anything about it. Wow the stars are beautiful tonight.

(Phil is looking at Keely)

Phil:
Yeah.

Keely:
Breaking news! Four went home sick this morning after eating the low-fat cina-pork muffins in the cafeteria. Was it the pork? Was it the Cina? (in a scary voice) Or was it the muffin? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You'll find out on "Keely Teslow Investigates." I'm Keely Teslow.

Keely:
Actually, I'm here to see Pim.

Barbara:
Why, what did she do to you?

Keely:
N-nothing.

Barbara:
(screams) Lloyd, get the checkbook!

Keely:
No, really...

Barbara:
Honey, whatever she broke, injured or humiliated, we will take care of it.

Keely:
Honestly, everything's fine.

Lloyd:
Hey, what's the with the hardball? Just give me a round number.

Phil:
Hey, Keely is more than just a pretty face, okay? She has a brain for facts, and a nose for news and a mouth for saying facts and news.

Phil (to Keely):
The cake has a smiley face because whenever we're together you make me smile and there are flowers cause you like wearing them in your hair and the candles smell like lavender cause I like ... you hate it, don't you?

Keely:
This is the sweetest, most wonderful, incredibly beautiful thing anyone's ever done for me.

Phil:
But, Owen had the surprise party and all this confetti and ...

Keely:
What Owen did was nice, but what you did was out of this world. You don't need some science fiction thing to impress me. You know me.

Phil:
Dad, Pim's being nice to me!

Lloyd:
(sighs) Pim, stop being nice to your brother.

Pim:
I can't help it!

Lloyd:
Well then, Phil, whatever you're doing to make your sister be nice to you, knock it off!

Phil (to Keely):
It was the beard, wasn't it?

Keely:
The beard on its own, not so much. But when you add the nickname "Troll Boy" and green skin? It's every girl's dream.

Mr. Hackett:
I told you students a thousand times, no amusing gizmology in school. This is mine now.

Pim:
Lil' Danny found it and I made him give it back! The little guy must've stolen it! I'm so angry! But at the same time, so proud.

Keely:
Phil, he's telling the truth. He's not going to do any more pranks. What are we going to do? (Phil starts disappearing and reappears again) Okay, you're really freaking me out.

Keely:
(on the morning announcements) Good morning. Here's today's daily headline munchie. I'm Keely Teslow. The top story: the results are in for the yearbook votes. May I have the envelope, please?

[Phil runs on camera with the envelope and hands it to Keely.]

Keely:
In the category of best dressed, the winner is...Donnie Ron Con Commo. Congratulations, Donnie. Best dressed...Archer Slickman. Cutest couple...Keely Teslow and Phil Diffy -- WHAT THE?

[Phil and Keely both have confused and shocked looks on their faces.]

Phil:
Unless -- do -- do you wanna be a couple?

Keely:
(quickly) No.

Phil:
(confirming) No.

Keely:
Do you?

Phil:
...Nooooo.

Keely:
(shyly) Yes.

Phil:
Yes?

Keely:
I do.

Phil:
Me too!

Keely:
Yay! We're a couple!

Phil:
Shhh!

Keely:
Phil, the whole school just voted us cutest couple. I think they know.

[Phil comes into the family's kitchen, dancing and looking happy]

Phil:
Ah! Isn't everything more colorful today?

Barbara:
Phil, we've got some great news!

Phil:
So do I -- Keely and I are together.

Barbara:
Oh, honey, that's so wonderful -- (hugs Phil, pauses) -- in a horribly sad and heart-wrenching way.

Phil:
What do you mean?

Pim:
(mock excitedly) We're going home, Ace! Still up for that hug?!

Keely:
Phil, do you know how many times the "time machine" has been "fixed" by your "dad"?

Phil:
Why did you put air quotes around 'dad'?

Keely:
Did I? Eh, sloppy finger work.

[...]

Phil:
I mean, it's for real this time, the time machine's really fixed, for real, really. My dad tested it and we're going home.

Keely:
Oh. When are you leaving?

Phil:
Tomorrow morning at 8:30. My dad wants to be in the 8th dimension by noon to beat time traffic --

Keely:
Phil, we finally get to be a couple and then, like, a day later you're leaving?

Phil:
I'm sorry --

[Keely gets up and leaves.]

Phil:
Keel? Keel...

Pim:
Boo-hoo, Phil's gonna miss his girlfriend, wah, wah, wah. (laughs, then pauses) Wow, I think I hate myself.

[All the family comes out at night to destroy the time machine and catch each other in the act.]

Pim:
(holding a hammer) Okay, who else used the coconut excuse?

[Barbara points to herself and Lloyd.]

Pim:
Yeah. Coconuts. Me too.

[Pim goes back to bed.]

Keely:
(realizing) I can't not say goodbye to Phil!

Keely:
(seeing Phil) Phil! You're still here! Does that mean you're not going?

Phil:
No, no, I'm still going.

Keely:
Oh...

Phil:
I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye for real.

Keely:
Well, good --

[Phil kisses her. Cut to various shots of the school, where everyone is cheering loudly.]

Keely:
(stops kissing Phil) Bye.

[...]

Keely:
(whispering in his ear) In the future will you wait for me?

Phil:
Really? 'Cause won't you be really, really old?

[Keely gives him a look.]

Phil:
But that shouldn't matter. See ya, Pepper.

Keely:
See ya, Salt.

[A pause.]

Phil:
...Well, I gotta go. My dad's waiting in the time machine...(realizing he's still on TV)...ride at the amusement park!

[Phil leaves. Keely sits back down in her anchor seat. There's a brief pause.]

Keely:
In -- uh -- in other news -- oh, we all know nothing's gonna top that.

[She throws her papers up in the air and walks off screen, marking the last time we see her in the series.]

[The last line of the series. Curtis comes out into the deserted Diffy kitchen, apparently abandoned.]

Curtis:
Hello? Anybody home?!

Phil:
They're really havin' fun in there.