Red Dwarf, Series I

Lister:
[singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...

Rimmer:
Lister?

Lister:
Hmm?

Rimmer:
Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? No? Well, shut up, then.

Rimmer:
[discussing his last exam] Last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.

Lister:
You what? You walked in there, wrote "I AM A fish" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted!

Rimmer:
That's a total lie.

Lister:
No, it's not. Peterson told me.

Rimmer:
"No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.

Lister:
Yeah. You said you were a fish!

Todhunter:
There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

Lister:
You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead!

Rimmer:
Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

Todhunter:
[chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead!

Captain Hollister:
Just one more thing before we start the disco, Holly tells me he's sensed a non-human life form on-board.

Lister:
Sir, it's Rimmer!

Captain Hollister:
Have you got a cat?

Lister:
No.

Captain Hollister (holding up a photo of Lister & Frankenstein):
Do you have a cat?

Holly:
They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister:
Peterson isn't, is he?

Holly:
Everybody's dead, Dave!

Lister:
Not Chen!

Holly:
Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen. Everyone. Everybody's dead, Dave!

Lister:
Rimmer?

Holly:
He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave.

Lister:
Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

Holly:
Should've never let him out in the first place....

Holly:
I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

Holly:
Look, I'm trying to navigate at faster than the speed of light, which means that before you see something, you've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6000, it's still brown-trousers time.

Rimmer:
[jogging] Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species. [jogs away]

Lister:
Good morning, Rimmer.

Lister:
You said yourself. I can't stop it. Let's get this over with. [grabs a pipe]

Rimmer:
Lister, what's that for?

Lister:
I'm going out as I came in, screaming and kicking.

Rimmer:
You can't just whack Death on the head!

Lister:
If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!

Holly:
Jean-Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.

Lister:
Holly, all his mates were French!

Rimmer:
What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.

Lister:
Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

Holly:
David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."

Holly:
Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility, yet constantly fails the Astro-navigation exam. Astoundingly zealous, possibly mad; probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical."

Lister:
[examining markings on the space pod] Hold on... Give me an R... Give me an E... Give me a D.... Give me a Red Dwarf...Garbage Pod! Holly, did Rimmer ever work in waste disposal?

Holly:
No, Dave.

Lister:
It's one of our old Red Dwarf garbage pods with the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him, Hol?

Holly:
Well, it's a laugh, innit?

Lister:
I mean, what kind of holy writ is this, Rimmer? 'It is a sin to be cool.'

Rimmer:
LOOK, I'M SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING ABOUT THESE STUPID CATS! MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT KIND OF STUPID, SMEGGING CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING! I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS! THIS IS SCIENCE, LADDIE! You can smirk, Lister, but I believe the Quagaars!

Lister:
"Quagars"?

Rimmer:
Quagaars, it's a name I made up! Double-A, actually! I believe the Quagaars'll have the technology to give me a new body!

Lister:
Never mind this tot, where's the Cat?

Rimmer:
"Tot"?

Lister:
Tot.

Rimmer:
"Tot"?!

Lister:
Tot!

Rimmer:
"TOT"?!

Lister:
TOT!

Rimmer:
"TOT"?! "TOT"?! WE'LL SEE HOW TOTTY THIS IS, LADDIE, THE QUARANTINE PERIOD'S NEARLY UP! ....BASTARD!

Rimmer:
(Credits roll but then stop) It's a garbage pod. (Credits roll again, then stop again) IT'S A SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!!!

Cat:
Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.

Cat:
[sings] S-E-X, you know I want it! S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! Yeah! [Cat finds Lister unconscious on the floor.] S-E-X, I think I found it!

Confidence:
Ding-dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beer milkshakes!

Lister:
Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?

Rimmer:
Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.

Lister:
Like what?

Rimmer:
Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.

Lister:
I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

Lister:
Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for?

Rimmer:
Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service... Twelve years long service.

Rimmer:
Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.

Lister:
C'mon, that was a joke!

Rimmer:
Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.

Rimmer:
STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!

Cat:
[through a megaphone while on roller skates] Hello, hello, testing, testing, one one one, me me me! Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available!

Cat:
[through his megaphone] SHUT UP!

Lister:
Will you stop doing that?

Cat:
I'm trying to watch the film!

Lister:
I'm only eatin'!

Cat:
No, eating's when food goes in your mouth!

Lister:
[revelling in having the room to himself] Ecstasy! We're talking mega ecstasy bliss! I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like! I'm a free man... And you see those socks? See 'em? They're going right where they belong, all over the floor where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em! I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk! I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo. I'm gonna squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! In fact I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles, I'm gonna grind me teeth, I'm gonna live for a change! Hee-hee! (sniffs)....Aw, smeggin' hell... (puts socks back in their basket)

Rimmer:
[drunkenly telling the story behind his last words "gazpacho soup"] It was the greatest night of my life; I had been invited to the Captain's table. I had only been with the company FOURTEEN YEARS. Six officers and me... they called me "Arnold!" We had gazpacho soup for starters... I didn't know that gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot! So he did... the looks on their faces still haunt me today! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup! I never ate at the Captain's table again. That was the end of my career. If only they'd mentioned it in basic training! Instead of having us climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels--if only just ONCE they would've mentioned that gazpacho soup was served cold--I would've been an admiral by now!...instead of a nothing, which is what I am, let's face it... I never got off the bottom rung, and do you know why? It's because I didn't have the right nobby parents! I'll bet Todd Hunter was fed gazpacho soup as soon as he was on solids! No, I'll bet he was breast-fed on it! One side gazpacho soup, the other side freely-dispensed chilled champagne!

Rimmer:
Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?

Lister:
No. It's a chicken.

Rimmer:
Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister. I don't know.

Todhunter:
Mutiny, Lister?

Lister:
I stood on his toe.

Rimmer:
Maliciously, and with intent to wound.

Lister:
It was an accident!

Rimmer:
Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.

Lister:
But the vital duty was that he was going to snap my guitar in half!

Rimmer:
Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.

Todhunter:
Alright, that's enough.

Rimmer:
Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny.

Todhunter:
Finished?

Rimmer:
However, I am not a vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.

Rimmer:
[about his haircut] It may be a bit severe, a bit too Green Beret, but you are how you look, and I look... [finally seeing his enormous beehive hairdo in the mirror] like a complete and total tit!

Lister:
Yo, look, Rimmer, I've been thinking.

Rimmer:
What?

Lister:
You know, about going into stasis and everything.

Rimmer:
How did I do what?

Lister:
What do you mean, "how did I do what"?

Rimmer:
Lister, don't be a gimboid!

Lister:
I'm not being a gimboid!

Rimmer:
[turning away from Lister] I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided... [pauses and looks annoyed] SHUT UP! Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided that, when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind. I want to be left on.

Lister:
What, on your own for the rest of your life?

Rimmer:
What things?

Lister:
Eh?

Rimmer:
I said what?

Lister:
What's going on?

Rimmer:
[points into thin air and starts walking away from Lister] You are space crazy!

Lister:
I'm space crazy? You're the one who's space crazy!

Rimmer:
Well, it probably is deja vu, it sounds like it.

[Rimmer shakes his head and walks out of the drive room. As he does so, another Rimmer enters from the captain's office, startling Lister]

Lister:
AAAH! Rimmer! I've just seen you walk out of that door!

Rimmer:
What?

Lister:
How did you do that?

Rimmer:
How did I do what?

Lister:
You just this second walked out of that door!

Rimmer:
Lister, don't be a gimboid!

Lister:
I swear on my grandmother's life that as you walked out of that door... [runs across the room, causing Rimmer to turn to face him] you came in this one!

Rimmer:
I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided...

Lister:
Rimmer, I'm telling you!

Rimmer:
SHUT UP! Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided that, when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind. I want to be left on.

Lister:
Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things.

Rimmer:
What things?

Lister:
You said that.

Rimmer:
I said what?

Lister:
And that! You said that!

Rimmer:
You are space crazy!

Lister:
And then you said, "well, it probably is deja vu".

Rimmer:
Well, it probably is deja vu, it sounds like it.

Lister:
Well, go on, then, shake your head and walk out.

[Rimmer shakes his head and walks out]

Lister:
Holly, why Rimmer's hologram? Why'd you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties!

Holly:
Who should I have brought back, then?

Lister:
Anyone! Chen, Petersen! I mean even Hermann Göring would've been more than a laugh than Rimmer! I mean, OK, he was a drug-crazed transvestite, but at least we could've gone dancing!

Rimmer:
We're mates! We're pals!

Lister:
When?

Rimmer:
Oh, come on, Lister! Laugh, laugh, laugh. Chuckle, guffaw, giggle. That's Rimsy and Listy!

Lister:
When?

Rimmer:
Millions of times.

Lister:
When?

Rimmer:
Ah... no... ah, how about the time your safety harness snapped and you fell into the cargo bay? We laughed then, didn't we?

Lister:
I cracked me spine in three places.

Rimmer:
Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like drains!

Lister:
You laughed, I spent six weeks in traction.

Rimmer:
And you spent the rest of the summer walking around like a croquet hoop! I laughed so hard I nearly puked...

Rimmer:
I always hated that pus-head Hollister. He always resented my popularity. That's why he never put forward my proposal to reduce the minimum haircut length by an eighth of an inch. Small-minded, petty-thinking modo!

Holly:
Arnold, I'm picking up an unidentified object.

Rimmer:
"Constantly fails the exam"? I'd hardly call eleven times "constantly"! I mean, if you eat roast beef eleven times in your life, one would hardly say that person "constantly" eats roast beef. No, it would be a rare, nay, freak occurrence! "Possibly mad"?! What is he driveling about?!

Holly:
It's on the screen, Arnold.

Rimmer:
What is?

Holly:
The UO.

Rimmer:
What is it?

Holly:
I don't know.

Rimmer:
Well, you'd better find out, hadn't you? It's obviously beyond me; I've got more teeth than brain cells, remember?!

Holly:
Yes, you have.

Lister:
Where's Paranoia?

Confidence:
I killed him, cha cha cha.

Lister:
What do you mean, "I killed him, cha cha cha"?!!