Rick and Morty, Season 6

Rick:
Ugh... I guess this is how it ends. I thought I was better than this. Dramatic voiceover while stranded in space? I-I guess when you're dying, the first thing to go is your creativity. Citadel's gone, and the saucer we escaped in is out of power. The extra Mortys went feral... [some Mortys are shown ganging up on and devouring another] eh, some problems solved themselves.

[Rick and Morty lie around weakly, with Rick addressing the viewer]

Rick:
Been drinking a lot... [to Morty, annoyed] Morty, I told you to write this down! I-I don't have a helmet like that Avengers guy did! [facing the viewer again] Been drinking a lot of my piss. Portal gun's still broken...

Morty:
[unsuccessfully testing the gun] I guess that was all part of Evil Morty's plan.

Rick:
"Evil Morty" - c-can we stop flattering this guy?! His plan was to monologue and fuck off! He basically threw a tantrum to announce he was quitting Twitter.

Morty:
Nobody quits Twitter. Hey, remember, like a second ago, when you pretended to not know who Iron Man was? Who was that for?

Rick:
Sh-Shush, shush, Morty. This is how we go. Bear it with grace. [as Morty lies down next to him] Spinal cord, Robitussin as a base, then surprise me.

[After they lie in silence for a moment, the sound of tapping on glass is heard. They turn to see Space Beth doing it from outside]

Morty:
Mom!

Rick:
Beth, maybe!

[Beth cups her hands and begins to speak, but Rick and Morty hear nothing]

Rick:
Is she trying to say something? [yells] W-We can't hear you! How dumb are...?! Beth, you're in a vacuum! Sound travels on air! Why am I yelling?

[Beth projects a message with her wrist device:
"Is this a private party or can anyone join?". Rick and Morty look annoyed]

Morty:
Wow, great.

Rick:
Yeah, that's... wow. Really worth it. That was not worth it! It's corny! [gesturing, while Morty gives a thumbs down] You, corn! Dying of starvation here!

[Beth frowns and projects "When I decided to say it, I didn't know it would be..."]

Morty:
Oh my God, stop explaining! Stop explaining!

Rick:
Are you finished?!

[Beth projects "...subjected to this scrutiny."]

Rick:
She's not finished.

[Beth projects "Maybe I won't rescue you."]

Morty:
Oh, nice.

Rick:
Oh, real mature. R-Real classy.

[Rick and Morty start flashing green with a pulsing sound]

Rick:
Oh shit...

Morty:
Wait, what? Wh-What's happening?!

Rick:
Instead of resetting portal travel, I may have reset portal travellers. Too late to apologize.

Jerry:
[enters, also pulsing green] Rick, why am I pulsing green? And don't say you don't know, because you're pulsing green.

Morty:
Rick, are we about to die?!

Rick:
[putting a makeshift device together] No, we're about to vanish from this reality.

Jerry:
That's totally dying!

Rick:
No, it isn't! It's everyone from this reality returning to their reality of origin.

Morty:
Back to our original universes...!

Rick:
I explained it fine, Morty, you're spoon-feeding spoons. Where's Summer?

Summer:
[enters] Oh nice, you guys are back. [notices the flashing] Whoa...

Rick:
Summer, three of us are one-way blind hopping. [hands her the device] You gotta help us get back. There's a protocol for this in your chore-server, filename "Booger AIDs".

Summer:
Every file is "Booger AIDs"!

Rick:
I—I hate naming things! Just.. search for words like "one-way blind hop, reset map beacon".

Jerry:
[aghast] Why do I have a reality of origin?!

Rick:
There's no time to explain, Jerry! Counting on you, Summer! "One-way blind hop beacon protocol"! HERE WE GOOOOOOO...!

[Nothing happens for a while, though the pulsing speeds up]

Jerry:
So there was time to explain.

Rick:
Don't waste extra precious seconds with your pettiness, Jerry! Summer, let's rundown--

Summer:
"One-way blind hop, reset beacon, Booger AIDs".

Rick:
Cool. [waits for a moment] Wow.

Jerry:
[angrily] THERE WAS SO MUCH TIME TO EXPLAIN!

Rick:
Yes! Fine! Hindsight is 20-20! Who has ever taken this long to vanish?

Jerry:
How did I end up not in my own universe?! [thinks] Oh my God, the Jerryboree!

Rick and Morty:
Ohhhhhhhh, the Jerryboree.

Rick:
Deep cut. [all three vanish]

Beth:
Wait, but where's our real dad and our real Morty?

Summer:
Buried in the backyard.

Beth:
That's what the possums are after...

[About Rick Prime]

Rick:
[sighs after an awkward silence] Yes, Morty?

Morty:
You promise I'm not, you know... bait? T-To make that Rick come back?

Rick:
What? M-Morty, for you to be bait, the guy'd have to value something. He truly does not give a shit. He's the... real deal.

Rick:
Do you understand time dilation?! I'm losing a month a second out here!

Summer:
There's an alien army out here shooting people! What am I doing?!

Rick:
It's a small group of alien terrorists. Just do a Die Hard.

Summer:
What does that mean?!

Rick:
Sneak around, use air vents! You've never seen Die Hard.

Summer:
I'm seventeen! No, I've never seen fucking Die Hard!

Rick:
Well, neither did the guy in Die Hard, so good luck!

Roy / Rick:
I'm not gonna risk dying, because if I die in the game, you go braindead. You're welcome.

Marta / Morty:
Better to die in Roy than to serve in hell!

Summer:
You know, fortune cookies only come true if you eat the cookie first. [eats and reads] All right. "Hard work often pays off." Lame.

Beth:
[reading hers] "Family time is time well spent." Okay, that's not only empty, it's been disproven.

Morty:
Okay, mine says "Family time is time well..." Oh man, I got the same one?

Summer and Beth:
Boo.

Morty:
What's your stupid 21st century watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad?

Jerry:
"You will have sex with your mother."

[Jerry gets surprised, awkward looks from the family and everyone else in the restaurant]

Summer:
Why are you dressed like Morty?

Jerry:
Because Morty's mom is Beth!

Morty:
I'm not unpacking that...

Rick:
[scans himself with his probability meter] Okay. I'm just as likely to shit a balloon as I am to become a dolphin.

Jerry:
Those are things that could happen?

Rick:
Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else.

[After the dinosaurs eliminate the world's jobs, Beth tries unsuccessfully to play a horse-based game of Operation]

Beth:
Ugh! I can't even pretend to feel useful in a game! This is how humanity's story ends?! Relieved of duty and sat at the kids' table?!

Rick:
I gotta respect these dinosaurs. They dominated a whole species just by calling its bluff about wanting more free time.

Beth:
They didn't even dominate us, because we're not worth a fight to them. We've become biological Tyler Perry movies.

Morty:
All they've done is help.

Beth:
We didn't need their help! We were not the problem! This house recycles! [notices a Velociraptor sorting their rubbish outside and shouts at it] THEY SORT IT AT THE TRASH FACILITY! [the raptor shakes its head condescendingly at her]

Summer:
[on her phone] What the "F"?! My dance videos are getting, like, zero likes now!

Morty:
Oh yeah, the dinos kicked paedophiles off TikTok.

Summer:
Great, so now I'm broke?!

Beth:
You don't need money anymore.

Summer:
So what's this for now? Phone calls?! Ugh! [throws her phone against the wall]

Beth:
[to Rick] Oh, come on, Dad, you don't hate this too?

Rick:
Why would I? I-I was already doing what I wanted. I do think it's kinda funny that you're all basically Jerry now.

Beth ... Fuck!

[Beth, Morty and Summer go to Jerry as he lies around in the living room]

Beth:
Jerry, how do you do it?

Summer:
Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?

Morty:
How do you do it, Dad?

Jerry:
Huh?

Beth, Summer and Morty:
How do you do it?!

Jerry:
[amazed] It's finally happened!

[After the dinosaurs teleport Rick and Morty back to their garage, in a process that shows their clothes, skin, flesh and bones being briefly separated]

Morty:
Ah! I saw my bones!

Rick:
Doctor Manhattan high-road assholes, teleporting ME?!

Morty:
Why-- Why wasn't that painful?

Rick:
They didn't even do it right! My-- My-- My fly is down!

Morty:
Your fly was already down.

[Rick takes the portal pistol the dinosaurs gave him to a machine and crushes it]

Morty:
What are you doing with that? Rick, it was a better--

Rick:
Nothing from them is better! That thing had uptight Zen snob germs all over it!

Rick:
Guess what? Dinosaurs are not secretly evil, and they're not out to cause anybody trouble - but it turns out trouble has a way of following them. [releases a small robot from an envelope]

Robot:
Oh, yes, yes, yes! It's showtime! [projects images of craters from the other planets]

Rick:
Literally every planet with dinosaurs on it is eventually smashed by a huge space rock that takes out them and most existing life.

Brachiosaurus:
What? That can't be true.

Rick:
It's all right to be frustrated. Let me explain. Why would planet-killing meteors follow dinosaurs? As these reptiles evolved to higher and higher levels of loving vegan godhood, another lifeform devolved into an equally selfless, hate-filled species of barely sentient rocks. They hurtle through space and do as much damage as they can to their chosen enemy, which is guess who? Yup, everywhere these dinos go, these rocks, they come a-crashing, and this one... [the meteor is shown, speeding through space and babbling angrily] is headed directly towards us!

Triceratops:
And all of our work? It was for--

Rick:
Nothing! Bingo! Welcome to life. It's a big boat with a lot of holes, but we're all in it together.

[After Rick gets the dinosaurs to go against their selfless philosophy to destroy the meteor]

Rick:
All right, welcome back!

Tyrannosaurus:
You obnoxious little TWAT!

Rick:
Yeah, but you're alive. No David Foster Wallace-ing in my galaxy. You don't get to be so smart that you remove yourself from everybody. From one god being to another, you're welcome.

Triceratops:
Well, as long as we're doing each other favours... [activates a machine that fires a beam]

Rick:
Hey, w-wait, wait, what are you doing? [the beam seals the dimensional rift] YOU FIXED MY RIFT?! YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL COCKS! I-IT WAS ALL CANONICAL AND SHIT, WE COULD'VE MILKED THAT THING FOR A WHOLE SEASON! O-O-OR, LIKE, A THREE-EPISODE ARC, AT LEAST!

Triceratops:
[smugly] Sorry, that's just us. We love helping, god beings to god being.

[A sleep-deprived, unshaven Jerry sits at his laptop]

Morty:
Is Dad okay?

Jerry:
Yes, I'm just... writing my second book. I don't know what it's gonna be about, but I can tell you one thing - the title is "Jerry Smith Presents: A Book By Jerry Smith". Chapter one... [about five seconds of silence pass] FUCK!!!!!!!

Rick:
It's worse than you think, Morty. We're basting in meta radiation right now. Our credibility is being permanently eroded. Every second we spend here is the equivalent of ten Space Jam cameos.

Morty:
I can't believe you tricked us into loving you.

Rickbot:
Not because I like it - it's because it's my job. But thank God I don't have to do it anymore.

Morty:
The fuck you don't! It's Christmas!

President:
You got something to tell me, Morty?

Morty:
[awkwardly] Merry... Christmas?

President:
Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fսcking vertical?

Morty:
Oh, sh...

President:
Guess what, numbnuts? It's a mile deep and still going! You know what's in the hilt of that thing?

President's Aide:
Kyber crystals!

President:
Okay, nerd. Whatever it is, when it hits the core, it's gonna cause a chain reaction that destroys the Earth!

Morty:
I-It is?!

President:
Why are you still playing with laser swords anyway? You're fourteen! You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right? Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades, then when he delivered, fans turned on him, and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot, and churned out these irredeemable cash-grabs! Half pretend to be satisfied, half shit on it - and in the end, no one's happy! Do you know why, Morty? Because when you start with a turd, you end with a turd.

[Morty has started sobbing]

President:
Why you crying?! Where's Rick?

Morty:
He's busy. A-And I hate him! And I lost my lightsaber, and now it might destroy Earth, and you're unloading all this Gen X hatred on me for even wanting one, and i-it's the worst Christmas ever!

President:
[trying to comfort him] Okay, M-Morty, Morty, Morty, Morty. I shouldn't have talked to you like you're a UN official. Let's get your embarrassing-ass lightsaber back so you can swing it around instead of kissing girls.

President:
[to a dishevelled Rick] What kind of grandfather are you?! It's Christmas, for God's sake, and you look like Phil Spector wiped his ass with Randy Quaid!

Rick:
That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you. They touch your shit, they screw things up, they kill your fuckin' family.

[After retrieving Morty's lightsaber]

Morty:
May the Force be with... me!

President:
I think you mean with me. [takes it from him and chuckles]

Morty:
[held back by an orderly] What?! You hate Star Wars!

President:
I was your age when this shit was in theatres. This franchise raised me, trained me, taught me good from evil, made having a bad father empowering! And when that third movie got all... "Muppety", something in me began to rot! But make no mistake, child - I own Star Wars, not you! Not that bubble-throat pompadour fuck, not some Mickey Mouse shit machine - they didn't pay the price with their souls! I did! I earned this, not you! America, transform and roll out! [leads everyone on a march out of Rick's lair]

Morty:
BASTAAAARD!!!

Morty:
I always wanted to fight with a lightsaber, but not like this! Y-You ruined it!

President:
Disney ruined it! You think I want thirty low-rent TV series with bad CGI?! They film everything on that one big green screen!

Morty:
Like you've got better ideas!

President:
I've got a million! Here's one: a robot with lightsabers for eyes! [the robot blindly stumbles around, slicing itself and other robots apart] Goddammit, he can't see!