Rugrats, Season 2

[Tommy dribbles the ball. A strange baby is playing with a school bus and sees Tommy]

Wiseguy:
Psst! [Tommy hears him and looks around] Over here.

Tommy:
You talking to me?

Wiseguy:
Shh! You don't want them screws to hear, do ya?

Tommy:
Screws?

Wiseguy:
You know, grownups.

Tommy:
Oh.

Wiseguy:
You new around here, ain't ya? Everybody around here calls me Wiseguy on account of I know everything what's going on.

Tommy:
Hi, Wiseguy, my name's Tommy Pickles.

Wiseguy:
Sure, sure. Listen, if you're gonna make it in this place, you gotta know what's what.

Tommy:
What?

Wiseguy:
Right, You see that kid over there? [A big chubby baby walks over to another baby in blue pajamas suckling on a bottle] That's Big Justin. He's kinda the boss around here on account of he's the biggest. [Big Justin takes the bottle apart from the other baby and suckles on it] You see that girl over there? [points at a girl building wooden blocks] They call her the Builder on account of she's always playing with blocks. And look over there. [The screen pans to a baby playing with red Play-Doh and yellow bits of clay all over him. He sculpts the Play-Doh into a pit bull] They call him Doughboy. He can make anything out of Play-Doh.

[Doughboy sculpts the Play-Doh into a cat. Suddenly, Tommy and Wiseguy hear a baby crying very loud. A shot of inside his mouth is shown as Sandra and Jonathan arrive]

Tommy:
What's wrong with that kid?

Wiseguy:
Oh, don't worry about him; he's faking it.

Tommy:
Faking it?

Wiseguy:
Yep, that's Crybaby. [Sandra and Jonathan try to calm Crybaby down] He can make himself cry even when nothing's bothering him.

[As Sandra and Jonathan turn away, Crybaby stops crying and grins for a moment, but resumes back to crying as Sandra and Jonathan take out a rattle and stuffed teddy bear]

Big Justin:
Hey. [Tommy and Wiseguy turn to Justin] Who's the new kid?

Wiseguy:
[stammers nervously] Oh, hi, Justin. This here is Tommy Pickles.

[Tommy grins at Justin]

Big Justin:
Nice ball, kid. Give it to me.

Tommy:
[pulls it away] No!

[All the babies stop playing and turn seeing this]

Big Justin:
What'd you say, kid?

Tommy:
It's my ball, you can't have it!

Big Justin:
Look, you're new around here, and maybe nobody warned ya, I'm Big Justin and I run this place. [pulls his suspenders in a snap] Now, GIVE ME THE BALL! [grabs the ball]

Tommy:
[pulls it back] NO!!

Big Justin:
I said GIVE IT TO ME!!!

[Big Justin and Tommy get caught in a tug-o-war with the ball. Wiseguy and Crybaby watch this in shock]

Crybaby:
[holds a cookie] Betcha a cookie Justin gets the ball.

Wiseguy:
[gives Crybaby another] You're on.

[Big Justin and Tommy continue fighting over the ball until Tommy lets the ball slip out of his fingers and ends up falling into a wagon, which rolls across the room, knocks over Builder's block structure, crushes Doughboy's clay cat sculpture and rams into a wall. Tommy sees Doughboy stare at what just happened]

Tommy:
[gasps] I'm sorry.

Doughboy:
[tears well up and bawls] AAUUGGHH!!

[Sandra comes in and sees what just happened. She is accompanied by Jonathan and Bob]

Jonathan:
Diagnosis?

Sandra:
Destructive overreaction syndrome. Procedure?

Jonathan:
Positive reinforcement denial?

Sandra:
[shakes her head] Uh-uh.

Jonathan:
Withdrawal of snack gratification?

Sandra:
Uh-uh.

Bob:
[takes out a fresh diaper] Fresh change of diapers?

Sandra:
No. [points at Tommy, echoes] Time out.

[The babies gasp in shock one by one]

Wiseguy:
They're gonna give him the pen!

[A single pen is shown by the corner of the room. Sandra rushes Tommy to the pen with Jonathan and Bob following]

Bob:
I yet say a nice change of diapers might cheer the little fella up!

Jonathan:
How long?

Sandra:
[holds five fingers] Five minutes.

Jonathan:
Five minutes?! Don't you think that's a bit...harsh?

Sandra:
[sternly] Do it.

[Jonathan does so. The timer is heard ticking as Tommy goes hesitantly silent]

Builder:
Woah, five minutes!

Doughboy:
These screws just keep getting meaner and meaner.

[Tommy lowly lays silent in the pen as he watches the cat clock on the wall. Tommy sees a toy jug and strides it along the wooden bars of the pen]

Sandra:
[confiscates the jug] No, no, Tommy. [grins] Noise-making is not part of... [echoes] ...time out.

Mother:
[a la Demi Moore] Oh, look at you! Oh, I could kick myself for letting you having that gum, Prudence!

Drew:
Mmm, what do you say to a little bet? Make things more interesting. Say, five bucks a hole?

Stu:
[loudly] Shame on you, Drew! Betting is a bad, bad thing! [quietly] Make it ten!

Angelica:
[crying] I want my ice cream!

Stu:
We didn't really pay enough attention to the kids today.

Drew:
You're right, Stu. We got a couple of free games. Maybe we could let the kids play. It won't take long.

Earl:
[sobbing and groveling] Oh, please, no! Anything but that! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING!

Stu:
Could we find something the kids will like?

Chaz:
(Absolutely Furious Mighty Roars) LOOK AT YOU! DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! While you were insulting each other and bringing up every petty difference from your past, you've forgotten about your children, the most important thing in your insignificant lives! YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED!

Howard:
Charles is right. Our behavior's been absolutely disgusting. I'm a failure and I've let everybody down while I should be—

Betty:
Yeah, yeah. Whine later, ya' little man. We gotta find the kids!

Angelica:
It all started when the first present was given by the Pilgrims a long, long time ago. After that, everybody started giving presents...even the Easter Bunny started giving them 'til Santa slapped him with a lawsuit.

[Fade to a wide shot of the cabin outside. Santa and eight reindeer fly over head. Sparkles fly out of the rear to form the words "Merry Christmas"]

Real Santa:
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Robot:
My batteries don't need no doggone recharge, for your information.

Phil:
Does that mean we're never gonna see Chuckie again?

Lil:
Oh noooo!

Phil:
Who's gonna have all his toys?

Lil:
I wonder if I could have them!

Phil:
I thought of it first!

Lil:
Did not!

Phil:
Did too!

Lil:
Did not!

Chuckie:
Aaah! Somebody help me! I can't see! Well, I can see a little.

Chuckie:
Maybe we should find a nice game to play inside.

Angelica:
Like what? You wanna eat the rest of my crayons!?

Drew:
Oh, no! All over my new sweater!

Angelica:
[crying] Daddy! Daddy!

Drew:
Angelica?! What are you doing here?

Angelica:
[crying] Daddy, I heard you! I heard it all! I'm sorry I was bad and runned away from home! I'm sorry I cut up your papers and broke your fax machine! I'm sorry and I promise I'll never be bad again! Only please, take me back!

Drew:
Take you back? Honey, I didn't even know you were gone!

Angelica:
You didn't?

Drew:
No! I thought you were still in your room, safe and sound.

Angelica:
You mean you didn't even know I runned away?

Drew:
I had no idea! Oh, but sweetheart, you know you'll always be my princess, no matter what you do. You're my baby and I love you. [Angelica hugs him]

[The episode credits play over a pattern of red, green, and blue dots that move around]

Man's voice:

[The dots zoom out, revealing that they make up the display on the Pickles' TV set; Tommy is standing very close to the screen, watching the man talk]

Man on TV:
I knew right then I had snagged me a walla pike.

[the camera pans over to Grandpa, who has fallen asleep in his chair and is still holding the remote]

Didi:
[walks into the living room, gasps loudly when she sees Tommy standing so close to the set, and walks over to him] No, no, no, honey! [lifts up Tommy and looks at him] Don't you know that focusing so closely on images can permanently damage your vision?

[As she talks, she looks closer into Tommy's eyes, which go cross-eyed, causing Tommy to see multiple copies of Didi's face. He quickly uncrosses his eyes, making his vision go back to normal. Didi sets Tommy down on the floor so he can crawl around, then approaches Grandpa, takes the remote from him without waking him up, sits down on the couch, and changes the channel from the fishing show to what looks like a talk show, but with a donkey as the host]

Angelica:
NO! I'm gonna wish for something real good!

Tommy:
Be careful what you wish for, Angelica! You just might get it!

Chuckie:
What are we gonna do, Tommy?! What are we gonna do?!

Tommy:
There's only one thing we can do. We're gonna find Angelica's magic lamp, and we got to wish for everything to be right-right again.