Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3

Mounty:
Freeze

Hilda:
As if we can do anything ELSE in this weather

Mounty:
Before I let you go, I have to ask you a few questions about the Mortal Realm to prove you live there - standard procedure

Zelda:
Fire away! I DO have three P.h.D's!!

Mounty:
What are the names of the Hanson brothers?

Zelda:
Who??

Hilda:
Isaac, Zachary and Taylor

Mounty:
What actor from Marcus Wellby just married Barbara Streisand?

Zelda:
Ooh, ooh... Robert Young!

Hilda:
James Brolin

Mounty:
Sports. Who's the best ----

Hilda:
...Michael Jordan!

Mounty:
Correct, you can go!

Hilda:
Yes!! (Hi-fives Zelda, both attempt to leave)

Mounty:
(holding Zelda back) Oh, not you

Zelda:
But -- but, but...

Mounty:
You didn't answer one question, there's no WAY you live in the Mortal Realm

Zelda:
But I DO! I know who wrote Pride & Prejudice! I know who discovered the Uranium Isotope!

Mounty:
No one in the Mortal Realm knows those things!

Zelda:
(being dragged off by Mounty) HILDAAA!!!

Hilda:
I'll help you Zelda, go back to the bar and wait for me - you'll be Okay! Tonight's ladies' night and... you'll be the only lady!

Sabrina:
Salem?

Salem (as Gordy):
Speaking. Man, standing rocks!

Sabrina:
Well, that was really nice of you to ask Valerie out. Well, to get Gordy to ask Val- Well, whatever just happened was really nice.

Salem:
I thought I might in service while I'm here. It's just my way of saying (rubbing his head on Sabrina's shoulder) thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sabrina (before being thrown to the lions during Rome's national anthem):
Hey, it's Rolan and Salem.

Zelda:
Thank Zeus!

Rolan:
I'm sorry I ducked out on you, but I had to talk Charlie Powermooger out of taking down Microsoft.

Salem:
I couldn't resist power, (weeping) but I'm weak. I'm sorry, Sabrina. I didn't want to hurt you; I just wanted to rule you. (Sabrina makes a weird face; Salem faces the Witch Judge) Your Honor, I'm ready to be a cat again.

Witch Judge:
Sabrina, once again, you dodged the bullet (Sabrina smiles) That´s the name of the lion, "Bullet"

Sabrina:
Thank you guys! If you´re excuse me I think I´m gonna faint... (she faints)

Hilda:
(To Caligula) No! She doesn´t need mouth to mouth!

Salem:
(refering to Mr. Tobias) Let's destroy everything that's dear to him. Let's indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony.

Zelda:
I'm going to write him a very stern letter.

Salem:
You're a regular Mad Max aren't you.

[Sabrina has been sent out to deal with a rampaging dinosaur]

Sabrina:
Okay, I'll just engage it in friendly conversation and maybe it'll go away. What language do giant lizards speak? Of course, Japanese. [casts a spell on her throat, making her speak Japanese] Takor, aday Toyota noya shin chah domo masu? ["So, what do you think of the new Toyotas?"]

Dinosaur:
[speaking French] Je ne comprends pas. Je parle français. Est-ce distillateur l'ère Mésozoïque? ["I don't understand. I speak French. Is this still the Mesozoic era?"]

Sabrina:
[to herself] A French dinosaur. I only wish this was the strangest thing I've ever encountered. [casts another spell on her throat, making her speak French] Vous êtes dans la chance. Ils ont un centre ville de festival de viande. Un bon nombre de sauces crèmes. ["You're in luck. They're having a meat festival downtown. Lots of cream sauces".]

Dinosaur:
Non possible! ["No way!"]

Sabrina:
Possible. ["Way."]

Dinosaur:
Merci, porc Américain culturelement illettré. Au revoir. ["Thank you, culturally illiterate American pig. Toodles."] [stomps away]

Salem:
[on laptop] I’m so happy, I could plotz!

Sabrina:
Not on the kitchen table.

Salem:
You can say goodbye to this furry little punim!

Hilda:
Salem, what’s with all the Yiddish? Are you going into show business?

Salem:
I’m online with a camel in Jerusalem who used to be an Amway salesman.

Zelda:
Why did the Witches' Council turn him into a camel?

Salem:
He used to be an Amway salesman. Anywho... He was wandering through the desert, when he found a scroll that said witches like me can be turned back into their former selves, if they’re kissed by someone who loves them.

Sabrina:
Why can’t you just play Solitaire like regular cats?

Salem:
One little kiss and I can once again be a man! I’ll no longer be a schlemiel!

Zelda:
Salem, don’t trust chat rooms.

Hilda:
Besides, you little yutz, who’re you going to get to kiss you?

Salem:
Pucker up.

Hilda:
If I helped turn you into a man, the Witches' Council will turn me into a cat. What a sad, pathetic existence that would be...

Salem:
Moving on... I love ya Zelda!

Zelda:
I love you, too... [kisses her finger and places it on his head] ...But I’m not in love with you.

Salem:
Oh, Sabrina...

Sabrina:
Not until you find a new way of grooming yourself.

Salem:
Mean! There must be somebody out there who’s not so stingy with kisses! [Hilda conjures up a Boxer dog, who immediately starts slobbering over him] Oh lord, he’s got toilet-water breath! [sobs]

Zelda:
What’s the matter?

Sabrina:
I got an "A+" in a really hard test and won a blue ribbon on my invention.

Zelda:
...Uh-huh. So, what’s the problem?

Sabrina:
[upset] That! No one's excited!

Zelda:
Oh, honey... It’s just that, you get "A"s and win things so often, you can’t expect a parade every time.

Sabrina:
How about one person walking by with a hearty "well done!"?

Zelda:
I, on the other hand, solved an ancient math problem, and the Other Realm scientist sat there like a group of mutes. Of course, now that they’re covered with smallpox, they might be livelier...

Sabrina:
I’d just like one person to get a little keyed-up!

Sabrina:
This Magic Book is useless, it shouldn’t take this long to find a quick fix!

Salem:
What are you looking for?

'Sabrina:
When I go back to school, I want my good work acknowledged, but I haven’t found anything under awards, accolades, prizes... Not even lip service!

Salem:
Check the recipe section. [Sabrina looks at him doubtfully] Just do it! Do it!

[Sabrina flips to the back of the book]

Sabrina:
[confused] It’s just "desserts".

Salem:
Exactly - That’s what you want, your Just Desserts.

Sabrina:
[reads page] Oh, I see; "With one little bite of this Just Dessert, you’ll get the recognition your good work deserves..." Cool!

[Sabrina points at her desk and a large chocolate cake materialises]

Salem:
Wow! You're lucky; when I was a witch, Just Deserts was a prune. [the linen closet doorbell rings, Sabrina gets up to answer] An old prune!

Valerie: [singing] "S", because she’s so sublime, "A", because she’s awesome all the time!

Harvey: [singing] "B", because she’s the best babe in school, "R", because she really makes me drool!

Mr. Kraft: [singing] And "I" is for the icon she’s become, "N" is ‘cause she’s great, she makes me numb!

All: [singing] and "A", it’s redundant to say, is the great mark she gets everyday! No matter how it’s spelled; Sabrina is un-parra-lelled! Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina!

Valerie:
Sa!

Harvey:
Bri!

Mr. Kraft:
Na!

Salem:
Okay, I know you're sad that you can't change Libby, but I have worse news: I have to go to the bathroom! Let's make the girl sneeze!

Sabrina:
I have an idea. I'm betting that this leads to the sinuses.

Salem:
And I hope that leads to a point.

Sabrina:
Well, if we can just put an irritant into the sinuses, maybe we can make Libby sneeze. And since many people are allergic too... [grabs Salem]

Salem:
NOOOOOO!!!!

Sabrina:
Salem?

Salem [as Gordy:
Speaking) Man, standing rocks!

Sabrina:
Well, that was really nice of you to ask Valerie out. Well, to get Gordy to ask Val- Well, whatever just happened was really nice.

Salem:
I thought I might in service while I'm here. It's just my way of saying... [rubbing his head on Sabrina's shoulder] Thank you, thank you, thank you!