Saturday Night Live, Season 1

English teacher:
I would like to feed your fingertips.

Foreigner:
I vould like to feed your fingerteeps.

English teacher:
To the wolverines.

Foreigner:
To the volver-eenes.

George Carlin:
Thank you! Talk about a live show! It's nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us- live! Um... I'm kinda glad that we're on at night, so that we're not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man... and this is the time of year when there's both, you know? Football's kinda nice, they changed it a little bit- they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pastime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are- we are Europe Junior. When you get right down to it, we're Europe Junior. We play a Europe game. What was the Europe game? (high voice) "Let's take their land away from them! You'll be the pink, on up; we'll be blue, the red and the green!" Ground acquisition. And that's what football is, football's a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That's the way we did it with the Indians- we won it little by little. First down in Ohio, Midwest to go!

George Carlin:
The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence- the words don't go together, man.

George Carlin:
Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.

Chevy Chase:
Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.

Chevy Chase:
(President) Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he had written his own campaign slogan. The slogan: "If He's So Dumb, How Come He's President?"

Chevy Chase:
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, here to keep you up on what's going down! President Ford's regular weekly accident took place this week in Hartford, Connecticut, where Ford's Lincoln was hit by a Buick. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the Buick and wrestled it to the ground. The president was unhurt except for putting his thumb in his eye. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the thumb and wrestled it to the ground.

Paul Simon:
[to Marv Albert before his match with Connie Hawkins] I've gotta stay with my strengths, basically... singing and songwriting.

President Ford:
My fellow Americans... ladies and gentlemen.. members of the press... and my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. Thank you all for being here, and I am truly honored to be asked by you to open the "Saturday Night" show with Harvey Cosell.

Chevy Chase:
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

Gilda:
Who is it?

Voice:
Mrs. Bragalaaaa....?

Gilda:
Who is it??

Voice:
...Plumber.

Gilda:
Plumber? I didn't ask for a plumber. Who is it?

Voice:
...Telegram.

Gilda:
Oh. Telegram. Just a moment...

Chevy Chase:
And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. Our top story tonight...

Garrett Morris:
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!

Chevy Chase:
President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!

Garrett Morris:
PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!

Chevy Chase:
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris:
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!

Chevy Chase:
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been cited for contempt of Congress! Kissinger commented, "So what? Congress has at least as much contempt for me as I do for him. Besides, Nixon lied, didn't he? And he gets to sunbathe while I get terminal jet lag."

Chevy Chase:
A new book has been published and released, and it's entitled, "Friends of Richard Nixon." A short work, it is only one page longer than the work, "Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century." Of his former boss, President Ford said, "Well, I spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope."

Chevy Chase:
The United States... hold it... The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution equating Zionism with racism. Black entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., a convert to Judaism, was quoted as saying: "What a breakthrough! Now, finally, I can hate myself!"

Chevy Chase:
The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of "Ironsides."

Chevy Chase:
Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.

Chevy Chase:
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, "Boy, I'm sure glad I'm not foreign."

Lily Tomlin:
Being a New Yorker means never having to say you're sorry.

Richard Pryor:
How you doin'? Thank you very much for coming here to New York. Uh, hope I'm funny. I'd like to dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, my friend. He's in the hospital, sick. But he's cool. Miles always gets women, though, 'cause he talks so cool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper]' "What's happenin'?" I get women, too. I can't keep 'em but I get 'em. Women always leave me, man! I don't mind 'em leavin' but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Just leave! Don't tell me why! 'Cause there ain't nothin' you can do but stand there and look silly, right? You be ... [imitates a man standing there and looking silly: points to himself in surprise, shrugs helplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head in disbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool when you get mad. [as an angry man] "WELL, GO ON AND GET OUT THEN!" [as a cool, calm woman] "I'm leaving." [as the man] "I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" [as the woman] "Don't worry, you shan't."

Richard Pryor:
Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin' for a while but I used to go into bars and check out the people that were drinkin' and they weren't happy. And they get beat up a lot. No -- drunks, they start out cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin': "Give me a Scotch and soda, please." Real cool. 'Bout a hour later: "WHAT?! WHAT YOU MEAN I'M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn't drunk when I came in here! And I ain't gonna leave till I'm sober. Now, you can dig that, baby.

[During a word association exercise as part of a job interview]

Interviewer:
Dog.

Mr. Wilson:
Tree.

Interviewer:
Fast.

Mr. Wilson:
Slow.

Interviewer:
Rain.

Mr. Wilson:
Snow.

Interviewer:
White.

Mr. Wilson:
...Black.

Interviewer:
Bean.

Mr. Wilson:
Pod.

Interviewer:
Negro.

Mr. Wilson:
Whitey(!).

Interviewer:
Tarbaby.

Mr. Wilson:
[pause] What'd you say?

Interviewer:
Tarbaby.

Mr. Wilson:
Okay.

Interviewer:
Colored.

Mr. Wilson:
Redneck.

Interviewer:
Jungle bunny.

Mr. Wilson:
Peckerwood!

Interviewer:
Burrhead!

Mr. Wilson:
Cracker!

Interviewer:
Spearchucker!

Mr. Wilson:
White trash!

Interviewer:
Jungle Bunny!

Mr. Wilson:
Honky!

Interviewer:
Spade!

Mr. Wilson:
... Honky Honky!

Interviewer:
N*gger!

Mr. Wilson:
Dead honky!

Interviewer:
Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you're qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

Mr. Wilson:
Your momma!

Interviewer:
Uh.. $7,500 a year?

Mr. Wilson:
Your grandmomma!

Interviewer:
$15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don't... don't hurt me, please...

Mr. Wilson:
Okay.

Interviewer:
Okay.

Mr. Wilson:
You want me to start now?

Interviewer:
Oh, no, no... that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.

Chevy Chase:
UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charitable organization's new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, "Let's kill the Arabs and take their oil!"

Don Pardo:
[voiceover] This is Don Pardo saying, oh oh oh! Whoops! I'm reading upside down!

Mrs. Henderson:
[calling upstairs] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!

[Interior Demolitionist #1 picked up a vase and shatters it with a hammer]

Mr. Henderson:
[from upstairs] I can't hear you what you're saying, honey -- I'm in the shower!

Mrs. Henderson:
[calling upstairs] Do you send for interior demolitionists?!!

Mr. Henderson:
[from upstairs] Whaat?!

Mrs. Henderson:
[to Interior Demolitionist # 1] Do you want -- you want some coffee?

Interior Demolitionist #1:
Oh yeah! Great!

Interior Demolitionist #2:
No coffee for me, thank you.

Vito Corleone:
The ASPCA is out to get me because of this horse thing.

Vito Corleone:
Alright. The Tattaglia Family is moving in on my territory. They've taken over numbers, prostitution, and restaurant linen supply, and now they want to bring in drugs. Also, they just shot my son, Santino, fifty-six times.

Therapist:
Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?

Vito Corleone:
Drugs, I am against.

Chevy Chase:
Well, as the primaries approach, more and more varied candidates are joining the fight for the Democratic ticket. The latest entry is Senator Robert Byrd. Byrd was once a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but says now that he deeply regrets that association. Byrd has been quoted as saying: "I don't judge a man by the color of his skin; I judge him according to the size of his nostrils."

Chevy Chase:
Meanwhile, Sargent Shriver, stressing his close association with the Kennedy clan and his affinity for the Trumans' straightforwardness, has written his campaign slogan: "The Duck Stops Here." Asked if this plans would affect a Kennedy draft, Shriver commented: "I do not believe this year that Teddy Kennedy will throw his hat into the water."

Ron Nessen:
Mr. President, you're signing your hand.

Gerald Ford:
Come on in and sit down, Ron.

[Nessen gets up from his chair, walks out the door, shuts it, reopens it, walks back in and sits in the same chair]

Gerald Ford:
Now what's this about a press conference, Ron?

Ron Nessen:
You called it, Mr. President.

Gerald Ford:
Called it what?

Ron Nessen:
No, you called the press conference, Sir.

Gerald Ford:
I see. [Looks over at Liberty] Heel, Liberty. [Looking back at Nessen] Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Ron.

Ron Nessen:
I am sitting, Mr. President.

Gerald Ford:
Ah! Then you must be comfortable.

Ron Nessen:
Yes, Sir. Thank you.

Gerald Ford:
I'm pretty comfortable myself.

Ron Nessen:
That's good.

Gerald Ford:
[Looks around the Oval Office] I just don't see what's so awful about this room, personally.

Ron Nessen:
No, Sir, Oval. It's the Oval Office, sir.

Gerald Ford:
Ah!

Ron Nessen:
Not awful, Oval, round.

Chevy Chase:
Another note on the Super Bowl: President Ford expressed regret that he won't join Mr. Kissinger in Miami tomorrow, saying he's flying to Boston for the first game of the World Series.

Chevy Chase:
This week, the FDA banned Red Dye #2, saying the red coloring agent was suspected of having cancer-causing qualities. Coincidentally, it was reported this week that Ronald Reagan has revealed that he underwent treatment for cancer of the hair.

Chevy Chase:
President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among them listed are Elliot Richardson, Charles Percy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brooke, a black man, will not actually be a choice for a running mate, but that "The President will put his name as a token of his appreciation.

Chevy Chase:
Well, the popular TV personality known as Professor Backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor's cries of 'Pleh, pleh!'

[shortly after Emily Litella is about to finish her editorial replay against 'canker' research]

Chevy Chase:
Uh, Emily?

Emily Litella:
What?

Chevy Chase:
I'm sorry, it's an editorial about cancer research, not canker sores.

Emily Litella:
Ohhh! I never thought of that! Never mind!

Domintrix:
RING AROUND THE COLLAR!

Norman Bates:
Hi, I'm Norman Bates for the Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how to be your own boss in this rapidly-expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home, right in the privacy of your own shower. I'll show you how to run anything from a tourist home to a multi-unit motel inn.

Norman Bates:
Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity, independence, and security, but are you motel material? Let's find out with a simple quiz. Question 1: A guest loses the key to her room. Would you (A) Give her a duplicate key, (B) Let her in with your passkey, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife. Question 2: Which of the following is the most important in running a successful motel? Is it (A) Cordial atmosphere, (B) Courteous service, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife.

Chevy Chase:
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!

[cut to film segment of real-life President Ford]

Gerald Ford:
I'm Gerald Ford, and you're not.

[Jean-Paul got shot and fell into the snow]

Tom Tryman:
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!

[Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis]

Jessica Antlerdance:
Just grazed, I think, Tom..

[Jean-Paul got shot again and fell back into the snow]

Jessica Antlerdance:
Oh, no! That one got him, he's down! No, he's down this time...no, no! No, he's getting up!

[Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly]

Jessica Antlerdance:
Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in difficult situations.

Tom Tryman:
I can't believe he's going for the finish line... and -

[Jean-Paul got shot for the last time and fell down to the snow for good]

Tom Tryman:
Oh, no! Again... again he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he's down to stay, Jessica.

Richard Nixon:
[after watching Henry Kissinger leave the Oval Office] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy!

Chevy Chase:
Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to out editorials. Here with an editorial reply is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella:
What's all this fuss I keep hearing about violins on television?

Chevy Chase:
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and, that's the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Just kidding! And you're not.

[Dell Stator's Toad Ranch jingle]

When you're at home or on the road

And you've got to stop to crave that toad

Dell Stator's, Dell Stator's

Dell Stator's Family Toad Ranch!

Captain Kirk:
[voiceover] Captain's Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live and long prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.

Chevy Chase:
The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he want to spend more time with his family; Tommy will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.

[SNL Producer Lorne Michaels offering The Beatles a certified check to reunite on the show]

Lorne Michaels:
The National Broadcasting Company has authorized me to offer you this check to be on our show. A certified check for $3,000. Here it is right here. A check made out to you, the Beatles, for $3,000. All you have to do is sing three Beatles songs. "She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah." That's $1,000 right there. You know the words. It'll be easy. Like I said, this is made out to the Beatles. You divide it up any way you want. If you want to give less to Ringo, that's up to you.

[SNL Producer Lorne Michaels begging The Beatles to reunite on the show, increasing the offer that he previously made during episode 1.18]

Lorne Michaels:
I was able to convince NBC to sweeten the pot. John, Paul, George, and Ringo: we are now prepared to up the original offer to $3,200.

[Holds up a certified check payable to The Beatles]

Lorne Michaels:
As you can see, it's a check for $3,200 made out to you, The Beatles. Off the record, this increase comes to an extra $50 for each of you. That's if you split it equally. I'm still not sure what your situation with Ringo is. Furthermore, NBC will also take care of your hotel accommodation. Don Pardo, tell the Beatles what they can expect when they come to get that check for $3,200.

Don Pardo:
It'll be my pleasure, Lorne. First of all, the lads from Liverpool will be picked up by a radio-dispatched Checker cab that will whisk them to Cross Town Motor Inn, located in the heart of New York's fashionable garment district. Once there, they will check in in the recently renovated lobby. And then it's off to their rooms via round-the-clock elevator service, where they'll be treated like royalty as pitchers of ice water are hand-delivered to their rooms, and they can drink that water from glasses sanitized for their convenience. Oops! Ringo spilled a little something on his jacket? No problem: not with prompt 48-hour dry cleaning service. "In by Tuesday, out by Thursday!" And let's just put a shine on those shoes too, with a free shoe shine cloth. And, Lorne, since The Beatles will be staying in separate rooms, the four Mop Tops can still speak to each other as much as they want to because there is no charge for room-to-room calls. And, after "a hard day's night", The Beatles can sleep as late as they like with leisurely checkout time of 10 a.m. That's the Cross Town Motor Inn, a hotel tradition, hosting New York's visitors since 1971. "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Back to you, Lorne.