Saturday Night Live, Season 4

Jane Curtin:
Our top story tonight: The New York Yankees evened the World Series with two games apiece this afternoon, with a 4-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. [audience cheers and applauds] Though thrilled about today's victory, millionaire-owner George Steinbrenner, in what he said was a precautionary move to ensure another world championship, purchased the entire Los Angeles Dodgers team, and immediately enstated Billy Martin as the Dodgers' manager for the rest of the series.

Bill Murray:
Punk rock star, Sid Vicious, was arraigned yesterday in the night of the killing of his girlfriend. Vicious' lawyer said that it may be difficult to get a fair trial for the ex-Sex Pistol, considering his name. So, during the proceedings, Sid will change his name from "Sid Vicious" to "Sidney, Not Such a Bad Guy Once You Get To Know Him."

Jane Curtin:
This past Thursday was the Great American Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America was encouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for a twenty-four hour period. Here to comment further is Update health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Rosanne Rosannadanna:
Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says "Dear Rosanne Rosannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smoking. Now, I'm depressed, I get wet, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swell, my gums are bleeding, my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I'm cranky, and I have gas. What should I do?" Mr. Feder you sound like a real attractive guy. You BELONG in New Jersey! But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin'. And to get back in shape, I had to join one of those fancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones where it's real expensive to join but it's worth it, 'cause you get to see a lot o' people that you don't know naked! Like, some people got those bulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just 'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. And there's other people there that got these funny belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a little knob on it, like a door. Some of them got a little piece of their sweater still in it! Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or a clam. Or some, you don't what they are! But, personally, I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, don't like to walk around with no clothes in front of other people! Not that I don't got a great body. But why should I waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a health club? Anyway, they got this sauna there which is a little hot room where you go to sweat like a pig. So, I go in there, but before I sit down, I put this clean towel on the bench 'cause there's a lot of people in there and you don't know where they been! So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next to me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! That very smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here, hangin' off the tip of her nose! It was just hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! Like, if she turned her head, it didn't fall off; if she stood up, it didn't fall off; she scratched, it didn't fall off; and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of her belly button, it didn't fall off! That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! So I yelled at her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! What are ya tryin' to do? Make me sick?!" She...

Jane Curtin:
Roseanne!

Roseanne Rosannadanna:
What? What?

Jane Curtin:
What do health clubs, sweat and saunas have to do with cigarettes?

Roseanne Rosannadanna:
Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'. If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have a sweat ball hangin' off your nose! It's just like the song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was a little girl. Everybody would come over to my house lookin' all pretty and cute and everything. My mother would make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we'd have the traditional Banana Rosannadanna cake. Before we ate, we'd bow our heads. Bow your head, Jane. Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow your head. Bow your head now. [Jane bows her head] We'd bow our heads and we'd all sing.[singing] We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing Please look down upon the Roseannadanna household Bring peace to our fathers, good health to our mothers And please don't make me sweat like Dr. Joyce Brothers! Amen!

[Richard Nixon showed his family his new political slogan that promotes his reformed personality]

Richard Nixon:
I got a million slogans. "The New Dick!" It is nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.

Pat Nixon:
It's short and sweet, but I don't think everyone will see it.

Chico Escuela:
Beil Murray is berry, berry, good to me and Hane Curtin is a sarcastic bisch.

Fred Garvin:
Call me... Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

[Shows title card while 20's music played over it]

Bill Murray:
So if you're a Rhesus Monkey and you want to donate your body to science, please hop in the box and send yourself to "Rhesus Roundup, San Simian, California."

Dan Aykroyd:
I'm station manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is a subject of tonight's Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint.

Jane Curtin:
Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not necessarily mean a lack of total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: "Behind every successful man there's a woman." A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn't know about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.

Dan Aykroyd:
Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of the cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you're on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rate's at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

Milton Berle:
You folks on the show, hold it please. Let's hear it for Lee Marvin and his witnesses, ladies and gentlemen. Take a bow. Lovely outfit. You always dress this classy? Now, uh... I don't feel much like workin', I got bad news, my wife ran away with my best friend... and I miss him.

Milton Berle:
[in response to a sudden noise from the band stand] NBC just dropped another show.

Bill Murray:
In Britain, where political campaigns are often a source of unmistakenly British wit, we have this from Prime Minister James Callaghan. Commenting on the likely defeat of his Labour Party by the Tories in the upcoming British election, Callaghan quipped: "When I congratulate Mrs. Thatcher, I won't know whether to clasp her hand or hand her a clasp!" When asked to explain that joke, Callaghan replied: "By the term 'clasp', I mean, of course, a paper clip, such as much be used to hold together the various important papers and documents which, as Prime Minister, Mrs. Thatcher would very likely be handling." [Bill chuckles] There'll always be an England!

Irwin Mainway:
Look, Miss Face, is this just another one of your personal attacks?

Jane Curtin:
Dan, you self-important swine ass.

Dan Aykroyd:
Jane, you magnificently ignorant slut.

Steve Martin:
(enters with a clamp on his head) I do not feel well tonight. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. It was though my heads was in a vice! I though it would go away, but it hasn't. I took some aspirin-it meant nothing. I decided to continue with the show, anyway. Pardon me. What? There's a clamp on my head? Aha! Those Saturday Night people! They didn't even TELL me! I went through makeup and everything and nobody said a WORD!