Scrubs, Season 2

[J.D. wakes up next to Turk]

Turk:
[in a seductive voice] Morning, Tiger.

J.D.:
How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?

Turk:
Baby, why you gotta be so cranky in the morning?

J.D.:
This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.

Turk:
Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.

J.D.:
Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to [hits fists together] lock in.

Turk:
Dude, could you be more homophobic?

J.D.:
I'm not.

[Turk whisks off duvet. J.D. is already dressed.]

J.D.:
Ready to go?

The Todd:
Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder any more. [pointing to nurses] Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and yes if I've been drinking.

Nurse Roberts:
Come here, Wonder Bread.

The Todd:
What's up, doll?

Nurse Roberts:
If you ever get this close again, I will end you.

The Todd:
I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty!

[Jordan has just witnessed Dr. Cox trashing J.D.]

Jordan:
Good job, D.J.

J.D.:
It's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!

Jordan:
Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful.

Carla:
Look, you've all been on call before. So you don't have a safety net! Most of the time you don't need one anyway, right?

[silence]

Carla:
Fine. I'll just go tell your patients they're on their own because you're all too scared.

J.D.:
No, Carla, I'm a doctor... I should tell them.

Elliot:
[grabs some charts] C'mon peeps - let's go kick some sick patient ass! [walks off, upbeat]

J.D.:
[takes a chart] That, my friends, is one nerdy honky! [walks away]

Turk:
That's two.

Turk:
Dr. Kelso, how can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?

Dr. Kelso:
The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?

[Dr. Cox disapproves of J.D. currying Kelso's favor]

J.D.:
You know, I don't care what you think.

Dr. Cox:
Yeah, you do.

J.D.:
I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.

Janitor:
[eating soup with a fork] Fork! Me can't eat soup! Rawrr!

J.D.:
I don't think you're stupid; your job requires a lot of know-how. I mean, it's not like you're ladling out sloppy joes.

[notices the cafeteria worker in front of him holding a ladle of sloppy joe]

J.D.:
You know, my-my uncle was a joer.

Elliot:
[Talking to patient] It's like being blind in one eye, except you'll be blind in both.

Ted:
Unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind.

Kelso:
Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.

Ted:
Wh-who would want to?

J.D.:
A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.

Ted:
Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.

J.D.:
Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down-

Ted:
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!

Carla:
You don't want to get on Bambi's bad side, and suffer the wrath of Bambi!

Dan:
So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.

[Elliot takes a sip]

J.D.:
Elliot!

Elliot:
What? I was thirsty.

J.D.:
Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!

Elliot:
[aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.

Turk:
So, Dr. Cox, the intern asked for a surgical consult on Mr. Carney?

Dr. Cox:
Yeah.

Turk:
I suggest we do a fem-pop bypass.

Dr. Cox:
Mr. Carney's a frail old man who'd...probably snap in half from a light sponge bath.

Turk:
All I'm saying is if we do surgery, we could improve his quality of life.

Dr. Cox:
The guy's a thousand. What's he gonna, take a steamer over to Europe, open up a café, and finally meet that nine hundred-year-old girl of his dreams?

Julie Keaton:
Plomox is the most effective antiarrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects - only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.

Dr. Cox:
[smiling] I'm gettin' two out of three just from the conversation!

Julie Keaton:
So, this is romantic... the two of us, full moon...

Dr. Cox:
Homeless guy pissing on a dumpster...

Dr. Cox:
So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.

Carla:
It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...

Dr. Cox:
Would you get off my ex-wife?

Carla:
I will if you will.

Dr. Cox:
[laughs] Dammit, now I'm too gosh-darned proud of you to be mad!

J.D.:
[to the Janitor after he asks him if he's been stealing pudding and toilet paper] I hate pudding, and I don't use toilet paper... [pauses] I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.

Janitor:
Bidet?

J.D.:
Bidet to you, sir.

J.D.:
Hey, Dr. Cox! You'll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.

Dr. Kelso:
Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.

J.D.:
He died?

Dr. Kelso:
I certainly hope so, otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch.

Elliot:
[to a patient who's suing her] I know what your problem is; you blame your problems on everyone else. Well, you know what? If your job isn't challenging, you should get another career. If you have trouble with relationships, maybe it's because you have problems with commitment. I know, because I'm the same way; I blame my parents for spoiling me, I blame this place for taking up all my time... Well, no more. I'm going to grow up and start holding myself accountable.

Patient:
Good for you.

Elliot:
You're still suing me, aren't you?

Patient:
Yes, but now I feel like you can handle it.

Dr. Cox:
You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.

Jordan:
Really?

Dr. Cox:
Honestly you-

Jordan:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Cox:
-you have never looked so beautiful.

Jordan:
It's the giant boobs, isn't it.

Dr. Cox:
Well, have you seen them lately?

J.D.:
I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!

Nurse Roberts:
Mm-hmm!

Dr. Kelso:
Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems To Work Day", this is just "Work Day".

J.D.:
[voiceover] And then she said something every man is dying to hear...

Elliot :
We can be sex buddies...

J.D. :
[hears fanfare] I mean... if you want.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, and by the way, Barbie: if word were to get around that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel-goods... [grins] I'll make you pay. You have no idea. Huge.

J.D:
Hey, you're black, right?

Turk:
Here we go.

J.D:
I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the do'!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.

Turk:
You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?

J.D:
...Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the do'!

J.D.:
[narration] There are a few things I've always believed in. Flowers are good for any occasion. And nothing is more important than making time for an old friend, especially if the old girl has seen better days. Because even if it breaks your heart to be "just friends," if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.

Turk:
Tonight, I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.

J.D.:
You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.

Turk:
Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?

J.D.:
Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?

Turk:
Mm-hmm?

J.D.:
You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....

Turk:
That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.

J.D.:
Like a meadow in springtime.

Turk:
Mmm.

[Carla comes in]

Carla:
What are you guys talking about?

Turk:
Nothing; guy talk!

J.D.:
Yeah, bitches and hoes.

J.D.:
I still can't believe I power-walked butt-naked through the halls of the hospital last night!

Turk:
My man, I know that wasn't you.

J.D.:
How?

Turk:
I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff'n'stuff out of a lineup.

J.D.:
Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.

Dr. Kelso:
Perry! Hi. How are you, et cetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.

Dr. Cox:
Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."

Dr. Kelso:
Great stuff. See you about two-ish.

Elliot:
I'm dating a Murse!

J.D.:
Well it's better than dating a mecretary or a manicurist... oh wait, that works.

Jordan:
I'm going home.

Dr. Cox:
No, no you're not-

Jordan:
Bye-bye!

Dr. Cox:
Jordan, your water just broke.

Jordan:
This kid's annoying me already.

Elliot:
Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every 15 minutes on the half hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobia phobic, I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?

Dr. Cox:
The thing is, this time, I am killing myself for this woman and I am still gettin' my ass handed to me.

Carla:
There is no Shangri-La, you know. Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck.

[J.D. walks up to the Janitor, dragging Elliot by her arm]

J.D.:
I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.

[A small boy is standing next to the Janitor]

J.D.:
Who's that?

Janitor:
That's my son.

Elliot:
Oh my God, J.D.! [leaves]

J.D.:
I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...

Janitor:
No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.

J.D.:
...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]

Janitor:
[to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.

The Todd:
Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Oh, eat those dots, you naughty girl!

J.D. I decided to take Jamie out on a date.

Carla:
Who?

Turk:
You know, Tasty Coma Wife?

Elliot:
No way!

Dr. Cox:
Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?

[In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder]

Mr. Moyer:
I'm free, and I love Italian.

J.D.:
You be quiet!

[cuts back to reality]

Carla:
I can't believe you, Bambi!

Turk:
She's so right, man.

Elliot:
What are you thinking?

Dr. Cox:
Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...

J.D.:
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just - let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!

[He storms out. Laverne walks in]

Laverne:
Did I miss something good?

J.D.:
[voiceover] I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.

Elliot:
[walking up to Doctor Cox, who is experiencing difficulties with an outdated, broken computer] Doctor Cox-

Dr. Cox:
[angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.

Elliot:
I know, but I've been trying harder lately-

Dr. Cox:
Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.

Paul:
Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.

Dr. Cox:
Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.

Dr. Cox:
[referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?

Laverne:
You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.

Dr. Cox:
Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!

J.D.:
Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.

Janitor:
When did you see my penis?

J.D.:
Last night when you were showering.

Janitor.:
Where were you?

J.D.:
Oh, I was outside in the bushes.

Janitor:
[dumbfounded]

J.D.:
Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.

Janitor:
What? Why?

J.D.:
Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

J.D.:
[Inspecting the Janitor's penis after seeing a possible melanoma] Well, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign.

Janitor:
Yeah, benign, nine and a half...

Dr. Cox:
Oh gosh, Denise, thank you for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. Now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming out party?

J.D.:
Is that a gay joke?

Dr. Cox:
No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays. I like their music. I like their sense of style. I especially like what they've done with Halloween, but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But maybe that's not fair...

J.D.:
[narration] Nothing can stop Dr. Cox when he's on a roll like this...

Carla:
My mom died.

J.D.:
[narration] Except that.

Dr. Cox:
You are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

Dr. Cox:
Oh, hey, Bob, here's an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? We'll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say "I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman."

Jordan:
When do we eat?

Dr. Cox:
Look Jordan could you just give me ten seconds to myself here.

Jordan:
No.

Dr. Cox:
You know you are being very immature... and oh my god is that guy on fire!?

[Dr. Cox runs into the on call room]

Elliot:
[Happily] Dr. Cox?

Dr. Cox:
From one hell to another.

[J.D and Cox witness Kelso berating Elliot, who is near tears]

J.D.:
If she was your daughter you'd totally know how to handle it.

Dr. Cox:
My God, you're right.

[Cox walks up to and knocks out Kelso with one punch]

Dr. Cox:
You're doing fine there, Barbie.

Elliot:
[stunned] ...Thank you?

Dr. Cox:
Everybody have a good one! [smiles warmly at Elliot] I'm going home to see my son... 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.

J.D.:
[narration] That may come up tomorrow.