South Park, Season 21

Liane:
Oh, hi, Poopsie.

Cartman:
Mom, Alexa left! She's not here!

Liane:
Oh, yes, sweetie. We had to get rid of Alexa.

Cartman:
What have you done with her?

Liane:
Oh, it's okay, sweetie. We have Jim Bob now.

Cartman:
What's a Jim Bob??

Jim Bob:
Doot-doot. Awaiting request.

Liane:
He works the same and makes sure people don't lose their jobs. Jim Bob, what time is it?

Jim Bob:
It is...3:27 (pm).

Liane:
Ooh, Mommy's gotta run, sweetie. Jim Bob, how's the traffic to town?

Jim Bob:
Doot-doot, traffic's fine. You'll get there in about nine minutes.

Liane:
[to Cartman] Okay, you want some music, hun? Jim Bob, play Kendrick Lamar.

Jim Bob:
Playing "Humble" by Kendrick Lamar.

Tweek:
Oh, my god! What is that?! What is that?!

Craig:
It's probably nothing. Everything's fine.

Tweek:
Will you please stop saying that?! I can't take it!

Craig:
I'm trying to make you feel better!

Tweek:
Well, maybe I don't want to feel better right now!

Craig:
Okay, but think about that. That actually doesn't make any sense.

Tweek:
Why do you have to be so logical?! I don't need you to problem-solve all the time! I need you to... [yells] I don't know!

Craig:
Tweek, honey. All week, you've been freaking out and I've been the one forced to deal with it.

Tweek:
You haven't been dealing with it! You've been trying to make it go away because my emotions are freaking you out!

[A young girl behind Tweek is run over by a bumper car]

Craig:
Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone. They would lose the support of China, and that would be -

Tweek:
There you go again! Stop preaching facts to me! It's not what I need!

Craig:
Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby! [beat] Oh, see? Now you made me lose control of my emotions. Goddamn it.

[Craig leaves. Tweek quivers then screams]

Heidi Turner:
Eric, you need to stop. What they're doing is important.

Eric Cartman:
They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying. What's that gonna solve?

Heidi Turner:
It's not about problem solving, Eric. It's about people getting together and feeling what they need to feel. People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes. And the best thing isn't always quick answers but just being there, supporting each other and talking through those feelings.

[Tweek reads that his cupcake peace offering to North Korea has failed; President Garrison tweeted that Tweek probably defecated in the batter]

Tweek:
[screams] What?! Why would he say that?!

Craig:
Tweek, calm down.

Craig:
Tweek! What's going on?

Tweek:
What?! What do you mean what's going on?! The same shit that's been going on!

Craig:
Nothing's gotten any better?! Oh, my God! How does that make you feel?

Tweek:
I feel scared! I feel alone!

Craig:
That must be horrible to feel that way! It must be hard for you to even think!

Tweek:
It is! [jumps off the bed] It's terrible!

Craig:
I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling?

Tweek:
Like - Like I have no control over my life! Like I'm just a pawn in a big game.

Craig:
Oh, that's a terrifying thought. You must feel trapped!

Tweek:
Yeah, like trapped but, like, completely unable to even move!

Craig:
Jesus! It's like there's no solution to any of this! What are you gonna do? What can you do?!

Tweek:
I don't know! It's-It's like maybe-maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again.

Craig:
That sounds so insurmountable, though. How would you even start?

Tweek:
I don't know, but I-I gotta do something about this. There's gotta be a way I can... [calms, turns to Craig and smiles] Thank you, Craig.

Stephen:
[while dragging Butters] You think you're just so smart, don't you?

Butters:
No, sir.

Stephen:
Make me look a fool, will you? We'll just see about this! [he and his son enter Vladimir's office] Not so funny now, is it? Go on! Tell Mr. Putin what you told me!

Butters:
Well, I was just, I just said how I'd use Facebook like Russia did. And I really didn't break any rules and--

Stephen:
Didn't break any rules! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters! Just because there's a way to cause chaos in a town, or disrupt an entire country, doesn't mean you go and do it, does it?! If Mark Zuckerberg points a loaded cannon at someone's face, [points to Vladimir] are you innocent for just lighting the fuse?! Answer me!

Putin:
Nyet, sir. (No, sir.)

Stephen:
No! You don't go around making things about people either, unless it's about Mark Zuckerberg because he deserves it. [walks to the door] I hope you're both very satisfied with the damage you've caused, because you're both GROUNDED! [leaves the office, slamming the door behind him]

Marcus' Dad:
Okay, okay, can everyone hear me? Hello? Thanks, everyone, for helping us celebrate Marcus' birthday. As a special birthday surprise for you, Marcus, we got you your favorite entertainer. Everyone, please welcome Chuck E. Cheese.

Chuck E. Cheese:
Hey. Check.

Marcus:
Yes. Yehehehehes.

Chuck E. Cheese:
[rather clearly appearing so strung out he can barely stand] I ah thanks... for'm celeb... Marcus's birthday....

Marcus' Mom:
What's wrong with him?

Marcus' Dad:
Can't you tell? He's high on painkillers!

Chuck E. Cheese:
[tries to remember what he's supposed to play] Hold on. Shit. Okay, let's.... Let's do this! [slams a riff on his guitar] ♫ Never meant to cause you any sor-♫ [projectile vomits with enough force to spew out of the holes in his costume head, before he falls off the stage, dead, as Marcus can only scream in horror]

Marcus' Dad:
All right, kids, uh, why don't we head back to the party and cut the cake?

Marcus:
I don't want cake! Who's gonna eat cake at a time like this?! (crying)

Man 1:
Another drug overdose?

Man 2:
Most likely. Percolate and Oxycontin found wrapped in his cheesecloth.

Man 1:
Prescription drugs, but with no prescription

Man 2:
You guys know where all these illegal meds are coming from?

Man 1:
Most likely from the prisons. Whenever there's a drug epidemic you can usually trace it back to people who've been... thrown away by society and forgotten about.

Kyle:
Dude, Stan. Come on, dude, we're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house.

Stan:
I will. I just gotta do this for my grandpa first.

Eric:
Again? Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him?

Stan:
I don't know. It's what he wants. I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable.

Eric:
He's old. He's supposed to be miserable.

Stan:
Look, I just gotta make this exchange for him and then we can go. Oh, oh, I think this is her now.

Swiper:
Are you Stan Marsh? It's me, Swiper.

Stan:
Cool. Do you have the Hummel?

Swiper:
This is it. Ride Into Christmas, Limited Edition. Now give me the pillow. I have to get to a birthday party.

Stan:
'Kay, fine.

Swiper:
All right, peace.

Kyle:
Dude, that's really weird.

Marcus:
Students, faculty, and staff, today we are facing an epidemic of catastrophic proportions. I know I am not alone in mourning the loss of one of our greatest entertainers, Chuck E. Cheese. Had we known the personal hell he was going through, perhaps we could've helped. But too many were more than eager to supply Chuck E. with the opioids that caused his untimely death. Chuck E. was not the first entertainer to die from this epidemic. Let us not forget Dinkie Dook the Clown, dead of a Roxanol overdose at Tommy Schneider's bar mitzvah last March. Shimmer and Shine, who both collapsed from massive amounts of oxycodone at Nelly Anderson's birthday party. Spider-Man, cut down in his prime by Demerol, and just recently, Swiper the Fox, dead of multiple opioids found in his crochet pillow. How many more entertainers must we lose before we take action?! It is time to declare war on opioids in our society!

Eric:
Dude, what the fuck, Stan?!

Stan:
I don't know, all right?!

Kyle:
You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa?

Stan:
It didn't occur to me as a possibility.

Eric:
Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on!

Stan:
I had no idea what was going on!

Butters:
[enters the bathroom] Hey, fellas! Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. Well, see ya, fellas. [leaves the bathroom]

Eric:
Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in!

Stan:
No, we don't have to do that! Let me talk to him. I can put a stop to this.

Marcus:
[answers the phone] Yes?

Annie:
We're at Mimi Thompson's party. Peppa Pig just collapsed on stage!

Marcus:
Oh, my God! Don't let anyone near Peppa Pig until I arrive! [arrives at the scenery] Move aside! Let me through! Aw, Peppa. Peppa, can you hear me? My name is Marcus Preston. Can you understand me? Where did you get the drugs, Peppa? Was it from Stan Marsh?

Peppa Pig:
Yo man, whatchoo talkin' about? Get me a frackin' ambulance!

Marcus:
Shh, Peppa. Focus. Soon you'll be in heaven jumping in all the puddles you can imagine. But first, you must tell me, where do the Hummels go, Peppa?

Ambulance lady:
All right, let us through. Get away, kids.

Marcus:
Peppa, now! Why Hummels?! You've got to squeal!

Peppa Pig:
Old people. Old people... love... Hummels.

Marcus:
It's okay, she's with Chuck E. Cheese now.

Marcus:
Hello, Mr. Marsh!

Stan:
Marcus.

Marcus:
I told you I'd bring you down.

Stan:
Marcus, it's not what you think. I'm trying to make things better here.

Marcus:
Oh, I bet you are! You, your grandpa, ALL the people here, are going to jail! I'm calling the police!

Stan:
You can put an end to this place, but you won't be stopping the problem. These people are victims too, Marcus. Victims of a way bigger game being played by way bigger people!

Marcus:
Oh, you're a fine one for speeches! When it comes to saving your own ass!

Stan:
It's not for me, Marcus. Look, I know you loved Chuck E. Cheese. I know you'd do anything to bring down the people who took him from you. That's why you have to go further, Marcus. Take it to the people who profited from Chuck E.'s addiction.

Marcus:
[crying] He was just a mouse… who wanted to make people happy.

Stan:
I know. I know.

[Morning at the Marsh residence…]

Randy:
[comes down the stairs, goes to the fridge, gets out a gallon of fruit punch, and drinks straight from it, sighing with satisfaction; turns and notices Sharon with her arms crossed] Oh. Hey, didn't see you there.

Sharon:
Did you hear anything about what happened last night?

Randy:
Uuuhhh, no, what happened?

Sharon:
Your buddy, Chip Duncan? [holds up her phone, showing last night's news] Apparently, he flew around on a broom, blew things up, and kidnapped some children?

Randy:
Are you serious?!

Sharon:
You heard nothing about this?! He flew away vowing we'd all be dead by Halloween!

Randy:
God, I knew that guy was a fuckin' chode.

Sharon:
Randy, what did you guys do at that party?

Randy:
Nothin'. We were just hangin' out and talkin' and stuff, and then Chip got all weird.

Sharon:
People were hurt!

Randy:
Yeah, I agree! It's awful! We're not like Chip, okay?! He's a bad witch!

Cartman:
That dirty whore! Who does that bitch think she is?! Packing my lunch for me?! Fuck her, dude!

Jimmy:
Pissed off at your girlfriend again, huh, Eric?

Cartman:
She's not a girlfriend. She's a controlling, manipulative whore!

Kyle:
That's enough, Cartman! I am so sick of hearing you call Heidi horrible things!

Cartman:
That's because you don't understand how much it sucks to be in a relationship!

Steven Black:
Heidi? Turner? The Turners' daughter?

Cartman:
Yeah...

Steven Black:
I thought she was with that Kyle Broflovski kid.

Cartman:
What?

Steven Black:
I saw them at the park today, holding hands.

Cartman:
Kyle? Kyle?! Kyle!! [a montage begins with five marching happy Kyles appearing] Kyle! Kyle! Kyle Kyle Kyle! [a big red heart appears and breaks, and a line of smiling Kyles marches out of it in shades of pink. Next scene is a Jewish dance performed by hasidim. Next scene is Cartman out on the street striking a match...] Kyle! [...and burning a giant flag on the ground with it.] Kyle! [the flames spread to fill up the screen. The next scene shows a cackling Kyle coming up out of the water like a giant sea monster as Eric and Heidi hold on to each other. Kyle holds a menorah reminiscent of a trident. Next scene is another group of hasidim dancing] Kyle! [next scene is Cartman and Heidi running away, only to be stopped by Kyle popping up before them like an exploding volcano, cackling. Cartman and Heidi turn and run away again, but the ground around them is compromised and Kyle's shadow covers them both as they look up at him. Next scene is back at the dining room at Tolkien's mansion] Kyle...

Steven Black:
Yeah, Kyle.

Wendy:
Is it just me, or are things around here getting worse and worse?

Millie:
It's definitely not just you. I think everyone's in shock that Heidi went back to Cartman.

Theresa:
What keeps driving her back to him? It's so weird.

Isla:
She's so…mean and angry these days.

Wendy:
People change. They say you become more and more like the person you're with, and I guess it's true with Heidi.

Heidi:
[joins them at the table] Hey, guys. What's up?

Isla:
[fearfully] Hey, Heidi.

Heidi:
What are you guys talkin' about?

Nichole:
Nothing.

Heidi:
Bullcrap, you're all talkin' about me again. 'Cause you're judgmental bitches. [belches] Ehh…

Wendy:
Heidi, are you okay? It's just… you look…

Heidi:
I look what?

Wendy:
You know, y-you just look…

Heidi:
What? I look fat? Is that what you wanna say, Wendy? Fuck you, bitch!

Theresa:
She's just concerned, Heidi.

Heidi:
[mimicking Theresa] "Mehmehmehmehmehhh, Heidi." I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch here! Can I do it without you guys shitting on all over me?

Heidi:
[enters Mr. Mackey's office] You wanted to see me, Mr. Mackey?

Mr. Mackey:
Oh, yes, Heidi, uh, we just wanted to see if you have transportation to the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend, or if you wanted us to set something up for you.

Heidi:
What?

Mr. Mackey:
…Uh, Saturday is the science fair, and, you're the judge for the competition?

Heidi:
Judge a special needs science fair? Ahem, no thanks.

Mr. Mackey:
Well, Heidi, is there a problem with you being the judge this weekend?

Heidi:
Uhh, yeah? It's Saturday, and I don't wanna be at school?

Mr. Mackey:
But, you're always the judge of the Special Ed Science Fair because you're our best science student.

Heidi:
So, now I'm gonna be punished by being force to judge a bunch of handicapped kids?!

Mr. Mackey:
But… Okay, you see, the problem is that you volunteered last month, Heidi. You said you wanted to do it, m'kay?

Heidi:
Well, how can you expect students to commit to things a month in advance?! I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight.

Mr. Mackey:
Look, the kids have worked really hard and have done some amazing projects.

Heidi:
You're gonna force me to come to school on a Saturday?!

Mr. Mackey:
Heidi, eh… is everything all right?

Heidi:
Oh, what? Are you gonna call me fat now too?! It just so happens I'm a vegan, which means it'd difficult for me to get enough protein, so my body doesn't burn fat, it burns muscle, which makes it look like I'm fat, but I'm actually WAY healthier than any of YOU!

Mr. Mackey:
Heidi, you're judging the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend.

Heidi:
Oh, Goddammit!

Heidi:
[infuriated] This is bullcrap! How can they force me to be the Science Fair judge?! Now I know how it feels to be a slave!

Wendy:
It's…not exactly like being a slave, Heidi.

Heidi:
Yes, it is! Am I being paid to judge the Science Fair?! No! Do I have a choice?! No! Ooh, yes, massa! Let me judge that Science Fair for you, sir!

Theresa:
God, will you stop?!

Heidi:
Theresa, don't get all aggro on me because you're pissed off your family lives in a trailer.

Theresa:
My family doesn't live in a trailer. We live in a tiny home. My parents downsized to make a smaller footprint on the environment.

Heidi:
That's what I said. Your family lives in a trailer.

Theresa:
There's lots of progressive people living in tiny homes. There's five others on my block.

Heidi:
Right. That's called a "trailer park."

Theresa:
[embarrassed] I don't live in a trailer park!

Wendy:
Just don't even respond to her. Just ignore her.

Heidi:
I'll try, but she's such a bitch.

Isla:
She wasn't talking to you, Heidi.

Heidi:
Oh, looks like Isla has something to say, you guys. Hold on, I'm sure this is going to be really profound. Go ahead, Isla, knock us out with you wit and satire. This should be good, you guys.

Cartman:
[walks up to Heidi] Hey, Heidi, what's up?

Heidi:
[uninterested] Oh, hey, babe, what's going on?

Cartman:
What are you up to?

Heidi:
Nothing, just talking to my girlfriends about tiny homes.

Heidi:
Butters!

Butters:
[turns around, startled] Oh! Hey!

Heidi:
How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?

Butters:
Uh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.

Cartman:
Butters, don't be a dick!

Heidi:
Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible.

Cartman:
Yeah, Butters. God.

Clyde:
He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.

Cartman:
Well, then could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the special needs science fair.

Stan:
What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.

Heidi:
Because nobody wants to be trapped in a gym with Special Ed science.

Kyle:
Actually, some other projects are pretty cool.

Cartman and Heidi:
Shut up, Kyle! Samesies!

Heidi:
Look, it's all just a complete waste of time. It's not like a Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society.

Heidi:
[pacing around Cartman, upset] What the hell is going on?! Everywhere I turn, people are being given handouts while I'm forced to work my ass off! It's total bullshit!

Cartman:
Yeah… uh… Babe, uh I understand that you're pissed off, but, um, you know, it is recess. Maybe we should relax and have some fun?

Heidi:
[stops pacing] Relax?! How can I relax?! I get straight A's! I ace every test! And who gets all the support?! The Special Ed Department!

Cartman:
Heidi, seriously, you need to listen to me!

Heidi:
[catching her breath] I don't… have to listen… to anybody!

Cartman:
Yes, yes you do! You need to listen!

Heidi:
Fuck you!

Cartman:
No, fuck you!

Jerry:
Little girl, please! What you have in your hand is very special.

Heidi:
Well, I'm sick of everyone treating me like shit!

Jerry:
Think about the NFL. How much joy it brings to everyone!

Nathan:
Don't listen to them. Give the water bears to me. I deserve all the fame and bitches.

Cartman:
Heidi, you've gotta stop being so angry.

Jerry:
Look, if you- if you don't do it for the NFL, what about humanity? Those creatures are showing the first signs of sentience. Think about what they could mean for science. For medicine. Making people better.

Cartman:
Come on, babe. We all want the old Heidi back.

Heidi:
[looks up at the balcony, noticing Wendy, Theresa, and Isla looking down upon her, looks down at the water bears, then looks up again] Screw all you guys! [chugs down the whole fish bowl, killing the water bears]

NFL Owners and Special Ed Kids:
NOOOO!!!

PC Principal:
Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around]

Strong Woman:
Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me "Miss Woman" or just "Strong." If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good?

Mr. Mackey:
Uhm'kay.

Strong Woman:
So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds]

Mr. Mackey:
Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly?

Substitute Teacher:
Yeah, yeah, I hear it.

Strong Woman:
[rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere.

PC Principal:
E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him]

Kyle:
[on the phone with Mr. Garrison as Donald Trump] Yes, This is Millennials Against Canada.

Mr. Garrison:
Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits.

Kyle:
We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right.

Mr. Garrison:
What exactly do you want?

Kyle:
What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be ERASED from the Earth!

Mr. Garrison:
Jeez, I got a little chub.

Craig:
[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.

Tweek:
I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!

Stan:
What's going on?

Craig:
Tweek's having a panic attack.

Tweek:
It was real! He tried to get me!

Kyle:
Who did?

Tweek:
The President!

Craig:
It's just your imagination, Tweek.

Stan:
It's not his imagination. I saw him too.

Kyle:
You saw the President?

Stan:
Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"

Heidi:
"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"

Token:
"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.

Stan:
Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-

Randy:
Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.

Craig:
But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?

Cartman:
Just like that movie IT.

Randy:
You saw IT too?

Cartman:
Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.

Token:
I saw Stranger Things and IT.

Randy:
Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!