That '70s Show, Season 7

Eric:
Life is like a train. It's barring down on you and guess what? it's gonna hit you. So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come.

Red:
Steven When You Moving Out

Hyde:
Soon

Red:
How's Your Girlfriend

Hyde:
Shallow As Hell

Red:
Job

Hyde:
Dean End

Red:
Future

Hyde:
Bleak

Jackie:
Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.

Fez:
Is it Donna's engagement ring?

Jackie:
No. No it's too big for that.

Hyde:
Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.

Eric:
Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]

Kelso:
Burn!

Donna:
I didn't say anything!

Kelso:
Then say something.

Donna:
It could've been bigger.

Kelso:
BURN!

Eric :
Okay! I'm here to earn my dinner! What am I gonna do about Donna?... We're hanging out! What am I gonna do about my job?... I quit! What am I gonna do about my future?... Nothing! When am I moving out?... Make me!

[Red, Kitty, and the gang gets to know Hyde's real father]

Red:
: So William? What kind of work do you do?

William Barnett:
I own a chain of record stores.

Hyde:
Record stores...That's cool, huh? I was afraid you where gonna be a cop or something?

Barnett:
I don't like cops.

Hyde:
I don't like cops either...Hey, who do you think shot JFK?

Barnett:
I don't know because they [points up] don't want me to know.

Red:
[To Kelso] I'm gonna kill you and mount your head on the T.V.! And if it helps me get better reception, it will do more for me then you have ever done in your life!

Eric:
I can't believe Red bought the muffler shop. Alright, that's it. New Eric's out, Old Eric's back. I should probably just go upstairs and think about what I've done.

Donna:
Oh, come on. You can't turn back now. You're like an explorer discovering a new you. When Columbus discovered America instead of the West Indies, did he go to his room? No. He waded into Mexico and stole all of their gold.

Eric:
Okay, I'm not following.

Donna:
I think it's hot when you do naughty stuff and I want you to keep doing it.

Eric:
You know what? It is hot. I'm not gonna let Red bully me out of it. I mean, how often was I hot before? Almost never, right?! But now, I am hot, and hot, I will stay. Let's celebrate.

Donna:
(gasps) One of Red's beers?

Eric:
There's a new sheriff in town, little lady.

Red:
Well, if it isn't my son, the vandal. You know I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot.

Eric:
Look, I said I was sorry and I fixed up the shop. Come on Dad, aren't we- aren't we getting a little old for this whole dance? I mean, here we are, shaking our booties and I mean, disco's dead.

Red:
You're not taking dance lessons again, are you?

Eric:
No, I'm saying, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna accept my apology, man to man, and then sit down with me and my girl here, and enjoy this beer.

Red:
No, here's what's gonna happen. You are gonna put down that beer and go to your room.

Eric:
Or, here's what's gonna happen. I am going to go to my room. But first, I'm gonna chug this beer.

Donna:
Chug it Eric.

Eric:
Okay, that's really fizzy. But I think I made my point. Now you put some saran wrap on that, and I will finish it later.

[Fez comes in looking extremely distraught.]

Donna:
Fez, what happened? I haven't seen you look like this since you found out Candyland isn't a real country!

W.B.:
So, Steven, how was your first day?

Hyde:
Well, I'm kinda glad there isn't a window in here...because I woulda jumped out of it.

W.B.:
[laughing] Ah, you kids and your suicide jokes!

Hyde:
I don't know what's happening to me. I just got paired up with this bookkeeping guy, who told me a story about accounts receivable. Not only did I know what he was talking about, I suggested he make a flowchart.

Jackie:
Say Flowchart again.

[Red talks to Kitty over her reading The Joy of Sex]

Red:
Kitty, we don't need The Joy Of Sex.

Kitty:
Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.

Red:
But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part. And it's not to scale.

Kitty:
[browses book] Oh, here's a fun idea. Ahahaha! Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. Ahahahaha! Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?

Red:
Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.

Eric:
[enters kitchen] Hey, what's for lunch?

Kitty:
Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.

Eric:
Yeah, so is lunch off or, uhm... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land here?

Red:
I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.

Eric:
But I'm not. Could I, like... seriously, like a sandwich or...

Kitty:
Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then I quit cooking! [leaves]

Eric:
[to Red] - I can't believe that I'm saying that, but please make kinky sex with my mother!

Kelso:
I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.

Donna:
Um, that's not how evolution works.

Kelso:
Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.

Hyde:
Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Kelso:
[repeated line] You know what your problem is? I'm too good looking.

Eric:
Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up, when Kelso nailed my sister. I never understood why, but now I get it. It's fun! So guess what - Kelso nailed your sister! Oh, and another thing... Kelso nailed your sister.

Hyde:
Shut up, you little twizzler!

Eric:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister!

[Kitty is sifting for records at Hyde and Angie's music store, Grooves]

Kitty:
Steven, I can't believe you thought I'd like these Sex Pistols. [returns copy of Never Mind the Bollocks LP to Hyde]

Hyde:
I'm sorry Mrs. Forman, [sighs] I'll make it up to you. Have you ever heard of a band called Judas Priest?

Kitty:
Well that's what Judas needed, a priest [laughs and looks at record] Are they spiritual?

Hyde:
I listen to them every Sunday.

[Hyde confronts Jackie over her attending a bridal fair with Fez]

Hyde:
Jackie, what the hell where you thinking?

Jackie:
Look, Steven, I know it's a crazy thing to do, its just ... I kno-I wanted to know what it was like to be planning a life and a wedding and everything, I mean, that's all I've ever wanted ... And I was starting to think it was never gonna happen with you.

Hyde:
[puts hands by face] Are we back on this again [faces her] Why can't you just be happy with what we've got?

Jackie:
BECAUSE I'M NOT!, [voice breaking] Steven ... okay, look, I need to know that we have a future together ... Can't you just give me some kind of sign or just a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe someday we'll get married?

Hyde:
Jackie? I don't know.

Jackie:
That's all you ever say. Please Steven, please just say anything besides I don't know. Anything else.

Hyde:
I don't know...[looks down]

Jackie:
Well then I can't be with you anymore.

Hyde:
Jackie, don't threaten me, okay? It's not gonna work.

Jackie:
I'm not threatening you, Steven, I can't waste anymore of my time on you if it's not gonna. happen for us ... Okay, well, at least now I know.

[Having been given money by Red to buy a jersey, Eric comes back to the stands wearing a Chicago Bears jersey, amidst a sea of Packers fans]

Red:
Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?

Donna:
Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me tell you in a way how you can understand. The Packers are like the Jedi, and you're wearing a Go Darth Vader jersey.

Eric:
Uh, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football. They play manu-Ka.

Hyde:
Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.

Red:
For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?

Eric:
No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay? I am the underdog in real life. I like Charlie Brown. I like the little engine that could. I like the Bears.

[Red has just witnessed something he'd never thought he'd see in his life - Eric fighting someone, specifically, a Packers fan dissing Eric for supporting the Bears]

Red:
Ooh! Eric's in a fight! No one's here! No one's gonna believe me! Why didn't I bring my camera?

[After Donna refuses to wear bikini]

Sizzling Sarah:
Unlike some people I care about this radio station, plus I just love wearing a bikini, when I put one on I jiggle just like jelly!

Eric:
Well she jiggles like two perfectly filled water-ballons, but I'm afraid you'll never get to see them, or touch them, or make a motor-boat sound with your mouth between them because she is a LADY!!!

[After Donna's boss fires her]

Eric:
I'm a gentleman and never use this kind of language, but Mr. Randall you are one six-ing seven-ing monkey five-er you think your one don't stink well three-off you three-ing three [quoting George Carlin's Seven words You Can't Say on Television or Radio

[Red and Kitty see a pajama-clad Eric appear for breakfast]

Red:
Have you been in bed all day?

Eric:
Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got outta bed?

Red:
You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

[Red, Kitty, Donna, and Kelso find Eric's Vista Cruiser, abandoned]

Kelso:
Okay, we're gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.

Kitty:
What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They're gonna kill him, he can't do anything!

Red:
I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]

Donna:
[walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.

Kitty:
Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn't have to worry [Donna's eyes open wide]

Kelso:
[after analyzing car] Okay, I think it's obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]

Red:
Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help.

Kelso:
And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.

[At a truck stop, Eric worries about how to pay his bill with Leo]

Eric:
I can't believe I'm stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money. You know if we don't do something, this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers. You know, they're all freaky, sexual deviants. Man, women, animal-they don't care as long as it's warm [drinks]

Leo:
Don't worry, man, I've got an idea how we can pay for this dinner. [at Circle in storeroom] That was a good idea...now how are we gonna pay for dinner?

Waitress:
[smiling] I think this pretty much covers your tab, but if you're interested, dessert's on me. [clicks tongue]

Leo:
In that case [laughs] you'd better soak your uniform in club soda.

Eric:
You see? What an awesome night. I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress...who are now making out...wow, the fact that I'm here is ... not slowing them down at all ... [laughs but is disgusted at what the waitress just did] good, God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand!

Kitty:
We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.

[Fez takes a bottle out of Kelso's baby bag.]

Kelso:
Don't touch that! It's breast milk!

Fez:
Breast milk... from real breasts? [looks at Donna's chest] What don't they do?

[Eric tries to explain a career choice the school suggested for him to Red, Kitty, and Donna]

Eric:
Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!

Donna:
Eric that's perfect!

Kitty:
That's wonderful!

Red:
See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You're welcome.

Kitty:
So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]

Eric:
[smiling] No, I'm not going to Milwaukee.

Donna:
So, where then?

Eric:
Africa!

Kitty:
Africa, Wisconsin?

[Hyde's father summons Hyde and Jackie to his office and explain something]

William Barnett:
Steven, I'm moving Angie to Milwaukee to get her away from the costumers. I love my little girl but you're the one who should be running that store, so [pats Hyde on shoulder] its yours. [returns to desk]

Hyde:
Wow [walks forward, Jackie follows] Uh, thanks man.

Jackie:
OH, MY GOD!! I OWN A RECORD STORE!!

Hyde:
No, I own a record store.

Barnett:
Actually, I own a record store.

Jackie:
I OWN ONE-THIRD OF A RECORD STORE!! [giggles]

Barnett:
Moving Angie here is gonna work out for everybody. See, I just got into this real snotty country club and they don't think I'm gonna be there much but I'm gonna be there all day everyday and I'm bringing friends so I need somebody around here looking after things...while I'm out making white people uncomfortable.

Eric:
It used to be where you had to buy a girl dinner before she would slide all over you, moaning like a ghost.

Charlie:
You Know If You Want We Can Hang Out At My Dad's Warehouse

Fez:
Oh That Be Great

Charlie:
Really

Fez:
No Shut Up

Charlie:
Well Alright I Have To Go Down And Unlock The Door We're Getting A Shipment Today

Kelso:
Shipment Of What

Charlie:
Beer My Dad Owns A Beer Warehouse

Kelso:
Your Dad Owns A Beer Warehouse

Charlie:
HMMM

Kelso:
You Cant Touch The Ball Now

Donna:
You Had To See Eric's Face When I Told Him About My Date He Seemed All Nervous And Surprised It Reminded Me Of His Sex Face

Jackie:
Donna I Don't Wanna Hear About Eric's Sex Face I'm Upset Enough

Donna:
You Wanna Know What The Best Part Is, I Don't Even Have A Date I Made The Whole Thing Up Just To Mess With Eric's Head

Jackie:
I Wish I Had Manipulated Steven Instead Of Opening Up My Heart, Now I'm The Vulnerable One Waiting For His Answer f Is :Donna: Yea I Was A Little Surprised I Mean The Bitchy Stuff Is Your Bread And Butter

Jackie:
You Know I Had Fake Pregnancy Right Up My Sleeve And I Didn't Even Use It

Eric:
Whoa

Hyde:
Holy Crap That's The Most Beer I've Ever Seen

Charlie:
Let Me Hit The Lights

Hyde:
Let Me Rephrase That, That's The Most Beer I've Ever Seen

[Eric receives a call]

Eric:
Hello?

Jackie:
Hey, Eric? It's Jackie.

Eric:
Uh-huh.

Jackie:
Look, I just realized you're about to leave for Africa, and I won't get a chance to say good-bye in person. That makes me sad. I mean, you've always been very special to me.

Eric:
Okay, Jackie, if there's a gun to your head, say the word cream cheese.

Jackie:
No, Eric, I'm just gonna miss you is all, okay? So just take care of yourself in Africa.

Eric:
Okay. I will. Wait, you want to talk to who? You want to tell him you love him? Well, I don't know. You guys didn't really leave on the best of terms. Okay. Dad, telephone!

[Red and Kitty scold Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso after Red discovers the Circle]

Red:
I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! [Eric sees the wall moving behind them] I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!

Kitty:
I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!

Red:
[to Fez, who sees them as if through a fish eye lens]Did someone shove a vacuum up your nose and suck out your last and lonely brain cell?

[He tries to judge the distance, grabbing the air in front of him]

Kitty:
What is going on in your head? I am so disappointed in you boys. And here I thought it was my dryer that made our clothes smell funny.

[Hyde tilts his head in a high stupor and drools at a Twinkie on the cabinet next to Red]

Red:
Who taught you how to do this? Huh? Was it those damn Beatles? All you need is love? All you need is a job and a haircut!

[Red scolds Kelso and points to him]

Red:
And you! [Kelso imagines Kitty's and Red's heads switching each other's bodies while high] Wipe that stupid smirk off your dopey, dope-fiend face!

Kitty:
Do you know what drugs do to you? They shrink your brain until one day you wake up, and you think you're superman and you can fly, and then you wind up jumping off the roof in your underpants.

Red:
Oh, this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday. [Kelso laughs and nods] Well, this is the worst thing that you have ever done! Eric, I am gonna make you... I am going to... well, I can't think of anything worse than sending you to Africa. You're going to Africa!

Red:
Steven? When are you moving out?

Hyde:
Soon.

Red:
How's your girlfriend?

Hyde:
Shallow as hell.

Red:
Job?

Hyde:
Dead end.

Red:
Future?

Hyde:
Bleak.

Red:
Kitty, feed the boy.

[Kelso is upset over losing Danielle to Fez]

Kelso:
How could I lose a girl to you? You don't even speak English!

Fez:
Well, Kelso, look at the bright side. Danielle is a wonderful girl who likes me better than you.

Kelso:
Why is that the bright side?

Fez:
Because, BUUUUUUUUURN!

Hyde:
Angie totally set me up, man. I should've seen this coming when I found out she was a math major. Those girls are always bitches!

Kelso:
You know what your problem is, Hyde? I'm too good looking.

Red:
Nice shorts, Rainbow!

Eric:
Kelso they're not freaks. They're just like you and me. But on wheels!

Eric:
Hey, Hyde, how's it going with the store and Kelso nailing your sister?

[Red sees Kelso's hand stuck on the refrigerator handle]

Red:
Kelso, it's six in the morning. Did someone glue you to the fridge?

Kelso:
...No.

Red:
Kelso, did you glue yourself to the fridge?

Kelso:
...Yes.

Red:
I'm spending the day ice fishing. [puts on hat]

Kitty:
Well, I'll come with you. Grab a fishing stick for me!

Red:
[takes off hat] I don't wanna go.

Kitty:
What? Why not?

Red:
Because I don't want you to go.

Kelso:
[mimics loading a shotgun] BURN!

Red:
Really. I mean, Kitty, you'd hate it. It's cold and boring. And we both know the only ice you like is in your cocktails.

Hyde:
Kelso, the Russians don't have a death ray. But they do have a stupid ray, and it's pointed directly at you.

Kelso:
[picks up the phone] No, the Russians do have a death ray, and I'll prove it. Oh, operator, uh...give me the White House.

Eric:
Kelso! ...I'm not allowed to make long-distance calls without permission.

Kelso:
Oh, awesome! I'm on hold and they're playing that theme song to the President.

Eric:
Hail to the Chief.

Kelso:
Oh, thank you, Eric. But I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song.

[The guys get paranoid about the authorities after Kelso accidentally threatens the White House]

Eric:
Good job disposing of all the evidence you guys.

Kelso:
You better take this serious, Eric. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than we had at the Pink Floyd concert.

Fez:
Yeah, there is a lot. Without all the smoke machines and lasers...this is just a punishment.

Hyde:
Man, I never thought I'd say this...but I wish there were more people to share this with.

[Later...]

Hyde:
This is our third circle and it hasn't calmed me down at all. ...I feel almost more suspicious than before!

Fez:
I don't wanna get sent back to my home country. If I return in shame, I will get stoned! And then, they'll throw rocks at me!

Eric:
Everybody just settle down. Okay...SETTLE DOWN! YOU ARE ALL LOSING YOUR MINDS! WHO IS YELL—WHO IS YELLING?! We all...just need to...keep...calm. [hears someone knocking] THAT'S THE DOOR! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Hyde:
Guys, we are making too many mistakes. We need to sit down, and figure this out!

[Later in the circle...]

Hyde:
Okay, this is starting to feel like work, man. The feds have ruined the circle. The circle sucks. That's right, I said it.

Kelso:
Hey. This circle is the only thing that's keeping us sharp! If it weren't for the circle, we'd have no idea that the feds were surrounding us, putting bugs everywhere, watching our every move! [whispering] So I say "Thank you," to the circle!

Eric:
I just want everyone to know...[pulls out lightsaber] I'm prepared to fight my way outta here.

Angie:
It's like you guys have your own language- I don't even understand half the things you say.

Kelso:
Hah- if you understand anything Fez says, you're the only one- burn! (Fez and Kelso laugh)

Fez:
Oh, Kelso can't understand me- now I know how it feels to be a book! A-burn! (Fez and Kelso laugh)

Angie:
See? Man, I wanna "burn" somebody so I can be part of the gang!

Donna:
This gang? Angie, the only reason this gang formed was because no one would let us into their gang! We're like the chess club- but better looking... and dumber.