It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2

Dennis:
Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?

Sweet Dee:
Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people.

Dennis:
Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.

Sweet Dee:
How come you get to pick and choose?

Dennis:
It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.

Sweet Dee:
You're a woman and you're weak.

Dennis:
That doesn't make any sense.

Sweet Dee:
You don't make any sense.

Charlie:
[in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.

Frank:
Maybe you should let me do all the talking.

Charlie:
No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.

Stripper:
Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?

Charlie:
[shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

Ari Frankel:
Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.

Frank:
Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good!

Ari Frankel:
Just go get the dog.

Frank:
I don't have the dog.

Ari Frankel:
So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?

Frank:
[long pause] Yes.

Barbara:
While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?

Frank:
A series of Mexican women.

Charlie:
"A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.

Charlie:
[under breath] Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shiiit.

Dennis:
He's getting a weapon everybody. Everybody get a weapon!

Dennis:
This Jew's in for a ton of work.

Mac and Charlie:
WHOA!

Dennis:
Whoa, what?

Mac:
Come on, man! You can't say things like that!

Dennis:
I don't know what I said. What'd I say?

Charlie:
Uh, you dropped a hard "J" on us.

Dennis:
Where from?

Frenkel:
Israel. It just got to be too dangerous. I mean, you know with everything that's happening.

Dennis:
Well, that's a tough situation you got over there.

Charlie:
Oh yeah, you got that whole tsunami and the...

Mac:
No, not that...

Charlie:
Well, the superdome thing.

Mac:
No, there's no superdome...

Charlie:
Well it's one of those places over there.

Mac:
It's a different country, Charlie so why don't...

Charlie:
Well I'm just trying to help the guy out.

Mac:
Why don't you just shut up!

Frank:
Hey gang, what's the action?

Dennis:
What's going on here?

Frank:
Asians love gambling!

Sweet Dee:
You know these guys?

Frank:
Yeah, from Nam.

Mac:
You were in Vietnam?

Dennis:
Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip.

Dennis:
[to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.

Kid:
(Holds up soda can)

Dennis:
Diet? Does it look like I need to be on a diet?

Kid:
I don't know

Dennis:
Terrible, take a lap.

Mac:
All right, kids, how you feeling?

Ducks' Team:
Good.

Mac:
Good? Doesn't sound good. Are you drinking the Red Bull? Come on, chug 'em down!

Ducks' Player:
I feel sick.

Mac:
That's the vitamins ripping out the inside of your stomach. That's a good thing, trust me.

Waitress:
I wrote down my phone number.

Charlie:
Wow!

Waitress:
Please... please, Charlie, please don't make me regret giving this to you. (The waitress hands a folded piece of paper to Charlie)

Charlie:
No absolu... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor, sponsoree kind of a thing. (He unfolds the piece of paper) Oh... no shi... I was so close.

Frank:
Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.

Charlie:
That's why I did it.

Mac:
That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?

Frank:
You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.

Sweet Dee:
How come Charlie...? It's not fair...

Dennis:
Why would you do this to us, dad?

Frank:
Because you're crackheads, children.

Dennis:
Hi. I'm a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

Drug Dealer:
What you need?

Dennis:
Uh, one, please.

Drug Dealer:
One what?

Dennis:
Uh... one rock of crack.

Dee:
One crack...

Dennis:
A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? I don't...

Dee:
Uh... how much would you recommend for a first-time user?

Mac:
Charlie look, I normally wouldn't come to you with this sort of thing because you're incredibly unreliable... but Dennis, Dee and Frank are all directly connected to this. Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!

Charlie:
Interesting...

Mac:
Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it...

Charlie:
I think you should do it!

Mac:
What?

Charlie:
Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?

Mac:
Right!

Charlie:
And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.

Mac:
Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis and Dee's Mom...

Charlie:
Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.

Mac:
That doesn't make any sense...

Charlie:
It doesn't have to make sense!

Mac:
You're right! I'm gonna do it!

Dennis:
[after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] Oh my God! Ohhh...

Charlie:
Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that.

Dennis:
I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!

Charlie:
Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?

Dennis:
I was gonna...

Charlie:
No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.

Dee:
I am not having sex with you, Charlie.

Charlie:
No, it's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis!

Charlie:
THIS ISN'T OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER!

Brianna:
You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.

Sweet Dee:
I will eat your babies, bitch!

Frank:
Nobody's eating anybody's babies.

Sweet Dee:
Come on, let me eat her babies

Sweet Dee:
What did you just say you little bitch!

Frank:
You're not ready for this fight, you're not...

Dee:
Oh, I have an idea, dad! Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the bag!

Frank:
All right, here's what you're going to do. You're going to take all the weight on your neck. Then you're going to jam your legs down and hyper-extend your ankles, and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.

Dee:
Not one of those things sounds right to me. At all.

Charlie:
Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

Charlie:
[to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

Dennis:
So... if you like the Virgin Mary, and you like beer, come on down to Paddy's Pub! We got 'em both.

Charlie:
[singing] I got the good lord goin' down on me!

Frank:
There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!

Dee:
Wow, That's my dad everyone!

Lady:
Are you going to take care of the crime problem here?

Dennis:
Absolutely, I say we put them on buses and ship them over to Iraq.. make them fight the terrorists.

Lady:
You're very handsome.

Dennis:
Thank you ha ha.

Charlie:
This is going very, very well man.

Dennis:
I know people are really responding to me.

Charlie:
They love the bone structure.

Mac:
[walking up to them] I've been looking for you guys everywhere...Look. I've been thinkin'...and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys. I wanna help.

Charlie:
What? Wait, wait, so first you wash your hands in politics and now you want back in? That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do.

Dennis:
Hang on a second Charlie, let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.

Mac:
Yeah, yeah. Give me a chance...what should I do?

Charlie:
"What should I do"? Strike one, buddy.

Dennis:
You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.

Mac:
All right...ah...check this out. [Goes up to woman pushing her baby in a stroller] Excuse me, hi. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.

Woman:
Oh, thank you.

Mac:
Yeah, I was wondering, [stopping the stroller from moving] if you wouldn't mind if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.

Woman:
Excuse me?

Mac:
Yeah...oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.

Woman:
You know, I'd rather not.

Mac:
[stopping the stroller again] Yeah, well you know...it's...good for him and it's good for you, so I think you should maybe just give me the baby.

Woman:
You know what? Please leave me alone.

Mac:
OK, lady. Just give me the baby and I could get it over with as quickly as possible.

Woman:
I said no!

Mac:
Goddammit, just give me the baby! [tries to unbuckle the baby out of the stroller]

Woman:
Somebody help me!

Charlie:
This is campaign suicide, dude...

Dennis:
Let's get out of here.

Charlie You got that script that I wrote? Grab that script.

Dennis:
I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.

Charlie It's good.

Dennis:
I think you might be dyslexic, bro. I'm not reading this.

Charlie No, no, no, please read it.

Dennis:
I think you might be dyslexic bro.

Charlie Just read the script once.

Dennis:
Okay you want me to read the script?

Charlie Yes. And action.

Dennis:
I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot." What? "Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do." This doesn't make any sense!

Charlie:
Ok,ok, uh I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.

Dennis:
Good work.

Charlie:
No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.

Dennis:
That's why we call it Charlie Work.

Charlie:
No, no dude not Charlie Work. There's like an emotional toll that comes out of this. I mean you kill one of these... [Dennis blows smoke in Charlie's face]

Charlie:
You kidding me?

Dennis:
What? What?

Charlie:
You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.

Dennis:
What is he talking about?

Charlie:
You know if you wanna smoke, you should have to take it outside.

Frank:
It's a bar.

Dennis:
Yeah, it's a bar.

Dee:
Yeah, but you know what? Charlie, I think you're right. I think we should ban smoking in here.

Mac:
Oh, come on. That's completely ridiculous.

Dee:
Why is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.

Mac:
Uh, yes and its completely unamerican.

Dennis:
If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.

Charlie:
I work in this bar. I work here.

Dennis:
But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here. Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom. They strip them away from smokers.

Frank:
Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.

Dee:
You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

Frank:
...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Dee:
Oh my god.

Dennis:
Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.

Charlie:
You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution man.

Mac:
Uh, he knows more than you two unamerican freedom haters.

Dennis:
Thank you.

Dee:
Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Yea we hate it.

Charlie:
Oh, I'm unamerican?

Frank:
You're practically a Vietcong.

Charlie:
Is that right? Ok. You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll outta here.

Dee:
Where are we going?

Charlie:
We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Charlie:
I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!

Dee:
I am not a failure!

Mac:
Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?

Dennis:
Uh, that would in fact be a failure.

Charlie:
Look, could you imagine America where everyone just gives up?

Dee:
I don't care.

Charlie:
Ok, let's just give up.

Mac:
Hey Charlie.

Charlie:
No look guys. How you doing? Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?

Mac:
No. No.

Charlie:
No, it's okay and you know why? Because I give up. I'm living in GiveUp America.

Dennis:
What are you talking about? Will you shut up?

Charlie:
I'm gonna be a smoker.

Mac:
You don't have to smoke Charlie.

Charlie:
You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... [Liam stabs Charlie in the back with a fork]

Liam:
That's what you get Charlie.

Dennis:
Hey get the hell out of here.

Liam:
You get forkstabbed!

Mac:
Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?

Charlie:
Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!

Mac:
All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!

Mac:
Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: Computers are for losers.

Dennis:
You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning!

Mac:
Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.

Frank (sarcastic):
Oh, no! I'm not gonna make a scene! I was just told, excuse me, that my HORRIBLE, WHORE WIFE has tricked me into raising two bastards for thirty years, and I'm bein' asked not to make a scene! (He goes over to a nearby table.) Did you bang my wife? Huh? (As he goes over to another table, Dennis and Sweet Dee are mortified, while Barbara is just annoyed.) Did you bang my whore wife? (Addressing the room in general) Does anybody here have any illegitimate children with my horrible, whore wife THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?!

Barbara (annoyed):
Jesus, Frank...

Frank (really losing it now):
JESUS, FRANK! JESUS, FRANK! JESUS, FRANK!!! JESUS!!! My life is a lie! My life IS A LIE!!!! (His gaze turns back to their table and he lunges for a fork. Completely unhinged) Somebody's gotta get stabbed! SOMEBODY'S GOTTA GET-- (Frank freezes in mid-sentence, almost as if he's been hit by something, gurgles feebly, and falls straight to the floor, taking the tablecloth and everything on it with him.)

Mac's Dad:
Let me get this straight...you come to me empty handed, and now you want my help?

Mac:
I know we let you down, but I promise to you, if you help us out with a certain situation, we will come back to you with our butts filled.

Charlie:
Oh, so filled! So filled for you!

(The sudden appearance of Frank, Dennis' father, startles Dennis, who accidentally runs into Charlie)

Charlie:
DENNIS, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!