The Big Bang Theory, Season 12

Sheldon:
Good morning, wife.

Amy:
Good morning, husband. I can't believe we're actually married.

Sheldon:
It's official. According to tradition we should hang the bed sheets outside so the Villagers can see that we consummated. [makes his way over to the curtains]

Amy:
I don't think that's appropriate considering where we're starting our Honeymoon.

Sheldon:
Well, I suppose you're right... [opens the curtains, revealing Legoland California outside] Although when you think about it, Lego is the perfect metaphor for marital congress; two pieces that interlock together with a satisfying snap.

Amy:
Oh, that's the sound you were making.

Sheldon:
Oh, I almost forgot. While you were sleeping I ordered room service.

Amy:
Really?!

Sheldon:
[lifts the lid off the plate, revealing bacon, eggs, and pancakes made out of Legos.] Viola! You thought it was going to be food, didn't you?

Sheldon:
I'm just worried that if I don't schedule our bedroom endeavors, then I may not think about them, and you'll grow cold and distant and seek solace in the arms of a heavily-muscled long Shore man.

Amy:
Where would I find a long Shore man?

Sheldon:
Along the Shore. It's in the name.

Amy:
Sheldon, I couldn't be with anybody but you.

Sheldon:
That's good to know. I wouldn't want to have to fight a man who's brave enough to touch a fish.

Amy:
How's this for a compromise; make all the schedules you want. Just don't tell me about them.

Sheldon:
Excellent. I'll create an algorithm that'll generate a pseudo-random schedule. And do you know why it won't be a true random schedule?

Amy:
Because the generation of true random numbers remains an unsolved problem in computer science.

Sheldon:
Come with me.

Amy:
Where are we going?

Sheldon:
To the hotel room. And when we get there I'm gonna need you to say that again, except naked.

Amy:
So, do you know what it is?

Bert:
Of course I know what it is. It's a silicon dioxide crystal, also known as quartz.

Sheldon:
Are you sure?

Bert:
Am I sure? Is basalt a mafic extrusive of igneous rock formed by the rapid cooling of magnesium and iron-rich lava? Yeah, I'm sure.

Bernadette:
"I heart New York". Aw, the baby's gonna love throwing up on this.

Sheldon:
it doesn't have to just be New York. That's the beauty of it. Uh, the initials "NY" can stand for anything you like. For instance, I understand that there is an elderly rock-and-roll musician named Neil Young. Perhaps you heart him. [pause] Or if not him, Egyptian table tennis silver medalist Noha Yossry. Or Nana Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice actress who starred in Sally the Witch.

Raj:
Did you just Google the initials "NY"?

Sheldon:
I had Wi-Fi and a long plane flight. Draw your own conclusions.

Stuart:
Wanna see my room?

Denise:
Yeah.

Stuart:
Cool.

[They head off]

Bernadette:
How do you feel about this?

Howard:
She can clearly do better, but that's not for me to say.

Bernadette:
No. Them in his room. Doing stuff.

Howard:
C'mon. We're sitting right out here. They're not going to do anything. [As soon as that's out of his mouth, suddenly Sade's "Smooth Operator" starts playing loudly from his room] I'd like to change my answer.

Amy:
Hey. Wait a minute, what about us? I mean, we're married now. Maybe we want to buy the house next door.

Sheldon:
Well, Amy, we can't move. I'd have to change all the tags in my underwear.

Amy:
You can buy new ones.

Sheldon:
New house, new underwear. What am I, in the Witness Protection Program?

Raj:
If Tam knows what he did, we can just ask him. He's gonna be on campus tomorrow showing his son around.

Leonard:
Won't that make Sheldon mad?

Raj:
Everything makes Sheldon mad.

Howard:
Yeah. Look at his list. Jim Henson for, quote, "putting a terrifying, giant yellow bird on television and in my nightmares."

Amy:
Hey, watcha doing?

Sheldon:
[on his laptop] Improving our wedding photos.

Amy:
Oh, that's nice. Wait, I'm still in them, right?

Sheldon:
Of course. And not only you. I've added some guests who couldn't be there.

Amy:
[sitting down and looking at the screen] Who's that next to my father?

Sheldon:
The Wright brothers.

Amy:
And why are they at our wedding?

Sheldon:
Orville, because I admire him; Wilbur, because he was Orville's plus-one.

Leonard:
What were you guys giggling about?

Penny:
They were passing notes to each other.

Leonard:
Oh-ho, love notes?

Penny:
If you love math.

Sheldon:
And we do.

Amy:
It's for our super-asymmetry theory.

Sheldon:
Yeah, Amy and I have been having so much fun collaborating together.

Penny:
Well, you know what they say, you never collaborate as much as your first year of marriage.

Penny:
So when was the last time you saw Howard in his astronaut uniform?

Bernadette:
About a week ago.

Penny:
Really? What was the occasion?

Bernadette:
Date night. We do a little role-playing.

Penny:
What role do you play?

Bernadette:
[using Russian accent] I am Ykatarina Nazdorovya, lonely Russian cosmonaut who is expert at physics and making love.

Penny:
Okay, that just made the next hour really weird.

Howard:
[dressed like Sheldon, imitating him] Hello.

Sheldon:
Hello.

Howard:
I see you are dressed as Doc Brown from Back to the Future. May I assume that Amy is going as his wife, Clara Clayton, from Back to the Future Part III?

Sheldon:
She is. [looks at Howard] Did you do something different to your hair?

Howard:
Yes.

Sheldon:
Looking good.

Leonard:
Oh, my God, you look amazing.

Raj:
[dressed as "Kuth" Bader Ginsburg] I find you guilty of murder, because you are killing it!

Howard:
[imitating Sheldon] Well, technically, the Supreme Court wouldn't determine a defendant's guilt or innocence in a criminal matter. They could only reverse or revamp a jury's conviction based on a constitutional or statutory issue.

Sheldon:
[seeing Leonard and Raj laughing] Why are you laughing? His statement was factually correct.

Leonard:
Wait, you can make this decision. You don't care if you upset people. You can pick for me.

Sheldon:
I certainly could.

Leonard:
Oh, great.

Sheldon:
But I won't. I think this is a learning opportunity for you.

Leonard:
Sheldon, come on.

Sheldon:
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I upset you?

Leonard:
Yes.

Sheldon:
Ask me how I feel about that.

Raj:
Hey, don't freak out, but I think there's someone in your playhouse.

Howard:
Oh. Yeah, that's just Bernadette. She's been hiding out in there all week.

Raj:
Really? Why?

Howard:
I don't know. She's been a little overwhelmed at work. And, frankly, me and the kids are a lot. She just needs some downtime.

Raj:
And you just pretend like you don't know?

Howard:
Sure. That's how marriage works. Three years ago, I told her I got life insurance, and I totally didn't. Someday, she's gonna find out. I'm gonna say, "Ha-ha! I know you've been hiding in the playhouse."

Amy:
Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months?

Raj:
Yeah, well, her family's doing most of the work. They're amazing. We talk all the time.

Sheldon:
Why?

Raj:
Because we're about to get married and they're gonna be my family.

Sheldon:
Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.

Penny:
Really? My parents love Leonard.

Leonard:
Yeah. And my mother loves Penny, which is weird, because I never knew she could love.

Amy:
You're up early.

Sheldon:
Huh? Yes. I wanted to get a jump on planning a day of fun for you.

Amy:
Oh, that's sweet. What are we doing?

Sheldon:
Oh, no, just you. I have other plans. Now, would you prefer to see The Grinch in 2D or 3D?

Amy:
I don't wanna see it at all.

Sheldon:
Well, let's go 2D. No sense in spending extra money.

Amy:
What are you gonna be doing?

Sheldon:
Being a great husband.

Amy:
Yeah, you're gonna need to show your work on that.

Sheldon:
You're probably wondering why I put you through this.

Leonard:
You mean the last two minutes or the last twenty years?

Amy:
Why can't we get a grad student to do it?

Sheldon:
We can't trust our paper to a millennial. They'll put unicorn emojis all over it and post it on social media.

Amy:
Why would they do that?

Sheldon:
Economic anxiety, too much avocado toast, who knows?

Penny:
Okay, Sheldon and Amy are still pretty upset about their theory being disproved.

Leonard:
So we have made a list of subjects for everyone to avoid.

Penny:
Symmetry.

Leonard:
Asymmetry.

Penny:
Oh, SimCity. Sounds too much like symmetry.

Leonard:
That also applies to The Simpsons, Simba from The Lion King, and cymbals.

Penny:
Russia or Russian in any context. The country, the dressing, the roulette.

Leonard:
Uh, also, no talk of Rocky IV.

Bernadette:
Why Rocky IV?

Howard:
Because he fights a Russian. I'm sorry about her.

Amy:
Is that your dad?

Sheldon:
It is.

Amy:
I've only seen pictures of him.

George Sr.:
[on the tape] I know we're down, by a lot. And if I'm being honest with you, we're probably not gonna win this one. In fact, we're definitely not gonna win this one.

Amy:
Do you want me to turn it off?

George Sr.:
But we're not gonna quit, either. And if we do lose, you need to know that doesn't make you losers. You learn as much about who you are and what you're made of from failing as you do from success. Maybe more. So you can spend the next half feeling sorry for yourselves, or you can get out there and give 'em hell.

Georgie:
Yeah! Let's give 'em hell!

George Sr.:
Oh... watch your mouth, your mom might...

Sheldon:
[pausing the tape] I remember that game.

Amy:
Did they win?

Sheldon:
Oh, no. No, they lost so bad, the other team let one of their cheerleaders try to kick a field goal.

Penny:
Champagne, a champagne, a champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.

Sheldon:
You know what I call this drink?

Penny:
A waste of champagne?

Sheldon:
No. A Dr. Cooper. Because...

Amy:
He is also sweet and bubbly.

Leonard:
A toast to Sheldon and Amy and the publication of your super-asymmetry paper. We are so proud of you guys. Cheers.

Amy:
Thanks.

Penny:
Yay.

Sheldon:
Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

President Siebert:
Welcome to the inner sanctum.

Sheldon:
Oh, I do love a good sanctum.

Amy:
Sheldon, look at my fruit plate. It's got kiwi on it.

Sheldon:
Ugh. I don't like kiwi.

Amy:
Neither do I, but it's so fancy.

Bernadette:
So Leonard's really considering this?

Penny:
Yes. We got in a huge fight about it. He said, well, if I don't want to have his baby, then why shouldn't someone else be able to? Do you believe that? What?

Bernadette:
Well, there is a deep-seated biological drive to pass on your genes. It's only natural.

Penny:
So you're on his side?

Amy:
Well, viewing Leonard as a mammal, it's perfectly understandable.

Bernadette:
But viewing him as your husband, he stinks.

Amy:
And we hate him.

Leonard:
So are you saying you're okay with this?

Penny:
I don't know, but when I told you I didn't want kids you didn't have a say in that, so maybe I don't need to have a say in this.

Leonard:
Thank you.

Penny:
They couldn't have picked a better person.

Penny:
Aren't you always saying it's about the work, not more money or a better title?

Leonard:
All the smart things I say, and you remember the dumb one.

Amy:
Maybe you should.

Sheldon:
What?

Amy:
This has been your lifelong dream. And you may not get another chance. I don;’t want to be the reason that you don’t win a Nobel.

Sheldon:
You’re the only reason I deserve one.

Amy:
But if your best shot is with them I think you should take it.

Sheldon:
Is this what you really want me to do?

Amy:
I want you to be happy.

Sheldon:
Thank you. [Hugs Amy]

Sheldon:
I went down to the city compliance office to turn you in.

Howard:
Are you kidding?

Sheldon:
But I didn’t do it. I filled out the form and then realized that the unwritten laws of friendship are more important than the written rules of the city of Altadena City and Planning Department.

Bernadette:
Aw.

Howard:
Really? Aw?

Sheldon:
And you’ll be happy to know that while I was there I did look into your neighbor’s balcony and it is encroaching on your property line. I had all this pent-up snitch energy so I reported him hard.

Howard:
What did they say?

Sheldon:
He’s going to have to remove it.

Bernadette:
So the good guys win?

Sheldon:
Well, I don’t know if I’d call you the good guys. You’re enforcing a law on him which you’re willfully ignoring yourselves.

Bernadette:
Uh. All right, fine. The morally compromising guys win!

Sheldon:
Apparently so.

Stuart:
Is it me or has no one been in the store for hours?

Denise:
Yeah, it’s weirdly quiet. Nobody’s in the street.

Stuart:
Huh, that’s strange.

Denise:
You thinking what I’m thinking?

Stuart:
They cut that meteorite open and unleashed a space plague.

Denise:
Exactly.

Stuart:
Let me just lock up here.

Denise:
Okay, so what do we do?

Stuart:
Uh, well, if this is a worst case scenario and we’re the last two people alive we’re gonna have to rebuild civilization.

Denise:
Do you have any special skills?

Stuart:
I can draw. How about you?

Denise:
I can play clarinet.

Stuart:
I didn’t know that.

Denise:
Yeah. Ten years. Ah.

Stuart:
You know, it, uh, might also be up to us to repopulate the earth.

Denise:
I’m okay with that.

Stuart:
So shall we?

Denise:
Wait here. I’m gonna brush my teeth.

Stuart:
[Sheldon shows up] We’re closed.

Sheldon:
This is going on Yelp.

Penny:
Okay, that’s my dad. Now remember, don’t bring up any baby stuff. All right? Not me wanting one, not you having one with Zack.

Leonard:
Got it.

Penny:
And if he brings it up, just change the subject to literally anything else.

Leonard:
Got it.

Penny:
But not the Cornhuskers, Do not discuss the Cornhuskers.

Leonard:
Is that a sports team?

Penny:
Never mind, you’re good.

Leonard:
Penny, doesn't want to have kids. I can respect that. But this is my chance to leave a little part of me behind.

Amy:
Okay, but this isn't going to make you a dad. It's gonna be their baby, not yours.

William Shatner:
Hello.

Sheldon:
Captain on the bridge! Captain on the bridge! You're William Shatner.

Shatner:
You can call me Bill.

Sheldon:
Ooh, can I call you Captain?

Shatner:
No.

Sheldon:
Please?

Shatner:
No.

Sheldon:
[whispering] Please?

Shatner:
Sure.

Sheldon:
And will you call me Science Officer Cooper?

Shatner:
This has got to stop.

Sheldon:
I think you know how to make it stop.

Shatner:
[handshake] Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.

Leonard:
Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.

Penny:
Wait, wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

Leonard:
I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar. How do you know him?

Penny:
How do you not know him?

Leonard:
Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.

Penny:
Wow. That is so cool.

Leonard:
Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy who played the werewolf on-on True Blood, he was there.

Penny:
What? Joe Manganiello?

Leonard:
Uh, yeah.

Penny:
From Magic Mike?

Leonard:
What's that?

Penny:
[showing him a photo] Okay, okay. Did he look... like this?

Leonard:
He had his clothes on, but yeah.

Penny:
I want to be really prepared for the conference.

Bernadette:
You're gonna do great.

Penny:
You really think so?

Bernadette:
Of course. They're scared of you. You're scared of me. The system works.

Raj:
So you really think you can trick Sheldon into liking babies?

Amy:
I slept with him. I married him. You want to bet against me?

Ellen DeGeneres:
So you guys have discovered something pretty amazing in the universe. Obviously I understand high-level physics because I’m a comedian, but...can you explain it to the audience?

Pemberton:
Well I don't know, I'm not sure we're even smart enough to understand it.

Leonard:
Professor Thorne.

Professor Kip Thorne:
Dr. Hofstadter.

Leonard:
Uh, you know my wife Penny.

Penny:
Hi.

Leonard:
Uh, we wanted to talk to you about Dr. Cooper. Now before you say no...

Thorne:
No.

Leonard:
Well, then after you say no…

Thorne:
No.

Penny:
Okay, look, Sheldon a paint in the ass… but Dr. Fowler is really nice. So if you average them out... math... you've got someone who's really okay.

Leonard:
But more than the person, the Nobel is about the work. You should understand that more than anybody.

Penny:
Yes, because of your work on gravitational waves.

Thorne:
You know my work?

Penny:
I do. I'm really hogging the conversation, Leonard?

Leonard:
Just give them a chance. Science has a history of difficult people. Look at Newton who was a jerk to Leibniz, and Leibniz who was a jerk to everyone.

Penny:
Yeah, and you know, I don't need to tell you that gravitational waves are disturbances in the curvature of space-time. And that the... Hey, you worked on the movie Interstellar?

Raj:
Well, does that take me back.

Howard:
Yeah, the two of us, cruising around town looking for women,

Raj:
Looking and looking and looking. Remember that time one looked back and said hi?

Howard:
Oh yeah. We drove away so fast.

Sheldon:
I'm sorry. I know you're upset and I don't know how to make it better.

Amy:
I don't know how you can either, I mean, I don't know if anybody can. I just... I feel like I'm letting everybody down.

Sheldon:
I'm about to hold you. Would you like to smell my hand first?

Amy:
I'm fine. [They embrace.] [Sigh] Thank you.

Sheldon:
[singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Amy:
That helps.

Sheldon:
Shh, I'm singing.

Amy:
Oh.

Sheldon:
[singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...

Sheldon:
He is a textbook satisficer.

Leonard:
That's not even a word.

Sheldon:
Uh, yes it is. According to Nobel Prize winning economist Herbert Simon, satisficing is the decision-making strategy whereby a person accepts wherever available option is satisfactory rather than seeking out the action that would make him happiest, as I just did when I explained what satisficing is.

Penny:
If this is what he wants, he should ask for it. I mean, what's the worst that happens? They say no.

Leonard:
Well, I'm not going to let them say no. If they don't want me to quit, this is what it's gonna take.

Penny:
Wait, you're gonna quit.

Leonard:
Yeah, it's like you said, I have to go after what I want, and if I can't get that at Caltech, there are plenty of other universities in the world.

Penny:
In the world? I can't even get you to the beach and now you want to move to the world?

Leonard:
Well I don't want to, if that's what I have to do.

Penny:
Okay, don't you think threatening to quit your job is something you should run by me first?

Leonard:
You said I shouldn't worry about your feelings.

Penny:
I meant feelings about things that I don't care about.

Pemberton:
Hold on, are you blackmailing us?

Amy:
No, the opposite.

Pemberton:
We're blackmailing you?

Amy:
How are you up for a Nobel?

Leonard:
Can't believe it. Sheldon loves telling on people when they break the rules.

Penny:
Yeah, well, maybe, he's changed.

Leonard:
He hasn't changed. Last week when the vending machine gave me two bags of chips he called my mom.

Penny:
Well, that didn't ruin your life.

Leonard:
Well, it ruined my day. And I had to talk to my mom, who by the way is polyamorous now. So that's fun to think about.

Penny:
Look, I'm proud of Sheldon and Amy. You know, they want to win on their own merits, not by knocking out the competition.

Leonard:
Yeah, but what if they don't win. Pemberton and Campbell have done an amazing job associating their names with super-asymmetry. They have all the momentum right now.

Penny:
I don't like the idea of them losing either, but this is their decision to make, not ours.

Leonard:
Maybe it is ours.

Penny:
What do you mean?

Leonard:
Well, if Sheldon and Amy don't want to expose Pemberton, that doesn't meant that someone else can't do it for them. They never have to know.

Penny:
Really? You'd do that?

Leonard:
They deserve the Nobel. I’m not gonna let two frauds steal it from them. And if it means getting my hands dirty, then so be it. [Penny laughs.] What's so funny?

Penny:
Just realized I've never actually seen your hands dirty.

Amy:
I don't want to be the only one that doesn't go. I'll just sit here afraid that you're all talking about me.

Penny:
We're not going to talk about you.

Amy:
That's my other fear.

Howard:
So she's coming over again?

Stuart:
Yeah, we're gonna do a movie night.

Howard:
It's my house. Don't you think you should ask me?

Stuart:
You’re right, I’m sorry. Howard, would you like to come to movie night?

Amy:
We won.

Penny:
Congratulations!

Leonard:
Oh, my god!

Sheldon:
We did it.

Amy:
I know. Can you believe it?

Sheldon:
That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming? [Leonard slaps him hard and everyone gasps] We won the Nobel Prize!

Sheldon:
You know, when you think about it, now that we're Nobel Prize winners, our names will be linked together forever.

Amy:
We're married. Our names are already linked together forever.

Sheldon:
Oh please, that's just a piece of paper. This is a piece of paper and a medal.

Penny:
Hey, what's going on?

Sheldon:
[covering his mouth] Unclean! Unclean!

Penny:
What?

Leonard:
He thinks you're sick.

Penny:
Oh. Should we tell him?

Leonard:
Well, if we don't, he might try and jump out of the plane.

Penny:
Yeah. Doesn't answer my question.

Sheldon:
Tell me what?

Penny:
I'm pregnant, Sheldon.

Sheldon:
You're right, I can't catch that.

[The series' last lines]

Sheldon:
I have a very long and somewhat self-centered speech here. But I'd like to set it aside. Because this honor doesn't just belong to me. I wouldn't be up here if it weren't for some very important people in my life. Beginning with my mother, father, meemaw, brother, and sister. And my other family, who I'm so happy to have here with us. Is that Buffy the Vampire Slayer? [ Sarah Michelle Gellar, sitting next to Raj, waves] I was under a misapprehension that my accomplishments were mine alone. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have been encouraged, sustained, inspired, and tolerated not only by my wife, but by the greatest group of friends anyone ever had. I'd like to ask them to stand. [Each standing when named] Dr. Rajesh Koothrapali. Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz. Astronaut Howard Wolowitz. And my two dearest friends in the world, Penny Hofstadter and Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I was there the moment Leonard and Penny met. He said to me that their babies would be smart and beautiful. And now that they're expecting, I have no doubt that that will be the case.

Penny:
[through tears] Thanks, Sheldon. I haven't told my parents yet, but thanks.

Sheldon:
Oh, I'm sorry. Don't tell anyone that last thing. That's a secret. [pause] Howard, Bernadette, Raj, Penny, Leonard, I apologize if I haven't been the friend you deserve. But I want you to know, in my way, I love you all. [Turns to Amy] And I love you. Thank you.