The Big Bang Theory, Season 7

Sheldon:
[on the phone] Back to the Future 2 was in the Back to the Future 3-case, and Back to the Future 3 was, get this, in the Back to the Future 2-case.

Leonard:
SO?!

Sheldon:
So... Did you do that or am I in the house with an intruder?

Sheldon:
Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.

Penny:
Why don't you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?

Sheldon:
You over estimate his significance in my life.

Penny:
Mmm.

Sheldon:
Do I miss how makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? [Knocks his answer in Morse Code].

Penny:
OK, I get it. I get it. You're an emotionless robot.

Sheldon:
Well, I try.

Amy:
Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny's got nothing to do…

Sheldon:
Careful Amy. The friend of my enemy's girlfriend is my enemy.

Amy:
Really.

Sheldon:
Yes. You're either with me or against me.

Amy:
You want to take the bus to work?

Sheldon:
Maybe there's a third option.

Leonard:
So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?

Sheldon:
I'd like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.

Leonard:
Where do you think I would take you?

Sheldon:
Who knows? You said you'd be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you're taking me to work, but for all I know I'll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.

Leonard:
I'm going to work. You can come if you want.

Sheldon:
OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.

Leonard:
No, I don't.

Sheldon:
Hurts, doesn't it? You know I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true.

Leonard:
I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I'm in hell.

Sheldon:
You say you're from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.

Leonard:
Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?

Sheldon:
All right, I'll give you that one.

Raj:
I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.

Howard:
Oh, I love those. I did them every year there.

Leonard:
We did them at Princeton too.

Howard:
Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.

Sheldon:
Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.

Amy:
Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I'd always get stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me. [Laughs] I guess that story's more sad than funny.

Raj:
OK, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.

Bernadette:
Should we just do couples?

Leonard:
Couples sounds great or we could mix things up maybe pick teams out of a hat. Whatever.

Penny:
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me?

Leonard:
I just said couples sound great.

Penny:
Hm-mm. Yea. You don't think I'm smart enough. You just think I'm going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.

[Amy nods at her.]

Leonard:
No, let's do couples. I want to.

Penny:
Oh no, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon and we're going to kick your ass.

Sheldon:
Really? The only time I never get picked first for the team and I'm stuck with the liability.

Amy:
Stop that. Penny is not a liability.

Penny:
Thank you. Do you want me to be on my team?

Amy:
Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

Leonard:
So how was school?

Penny:
Oh, good. Check it out. "The Disappointed Child" by Beverly Hofstadter.

Leonard:
You bought my Mom's book?

Penny:
Yes. It's on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.

Leonard:
Oh. Come on. Not that book. It got like every horrible story from my childhood in it.

Penny:
Oh cool. Are there pictures?

Leonard:
Seriously, please find another book.

Penny:
Oh come on. How bad could it be?

Leonard:
The next chapter's about the potty training. Bed wetting. Masturbation. Basically if something came out of me, she wrote about it. You know, do whatever you want, just don't talk to me about it.

Penny:
Not even the chapter on the breast feeding crisis?

Leonard:
It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one. She got a little lopsided.

Penny:
Oh my God. You still go left.

Sheldon:
Well. You sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there. I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Well, personally I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favorite show, not mine. Oh look at little Laura Ingalls eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter, huh. That's strange since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900's. [Amy stops smiling.] If I knew this show was about time travel I would have watched it much sooner.

Amy:
[Amy stops the show.] You're trying to get back at me for what I said about" Raiders of the Lost Ark".

Sheldon:
That's silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone since telephones only existed in large cities at the time. It's more like Little House on the Preposterous.

Amy:
Sheldon were in a relationship. When you get angry, tell me. You don't need to seek revenge.

Sheldon:
Are you sure? Every time my Dad stayed out all night my Mom put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.

Amy:
Well, that's not how we're going to do it.

Sheldon:
Well, fine. I'm mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me but you may have ruined the whole franchise, except for the fourth one which was bad before you got your mitts on it.

Amy:
I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry.

Sheldon:
Thank you.

Amy:
You feel better?

Sheldon:
Yes. But not as good when I tell you, your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He's a cat. He doesn't have a job.

Bernadette:
I may have overreacted

Howard:
Well, yeah, well. I didn't handle it so great either.

Bernadette:
Just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.

Howard:
That's not true.

Bernadette:
It's not? You spend all day together at work and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week you two got a couple's massage. You said you wouldn't want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.

Howard:
Oh wow, yeah, I get that. I'm so sorry. Starting tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf. Being with you is my number one priority.

Sheldon:
[Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy.

Amy:
Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?

Sheldon:
I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?

Amy:
No.

Sheldon:
Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.

Amy:
What do you want?

Sheldon:
Amy, this isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.

Amy:
Sheldon, you're not a weirdo.

Sheldon:
I wasn't speaking about me. I mean honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, you're funniest kind of humor.

Amy:
What's your point?

Sheldon:
My point is we're a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.

Amy:
I like you too.

Sheldon:
I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. [Amy slams the door in his face] Not even a goodbye. You see, that's the kind of thing that makes people think you're weird. Poor kid, she just doesn't see it.

Howard:
[singing to quarantined Bernadette, the other five backing him up] If I didn't have you Life would be blue. I'd be Doctor Who without the TARDIS. A candle without a wick, A Watson without a Crick. I'd be one of my outfits without a dicky. I'd be cheese without the mac,Jobs without the Wozniak. I'd be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator making them much harder to crack. I'd be an atom without the bomb. A dot without the com. And I'd probably still live with my mom.

Friends:
And he'd probably still live with his mom.

Howard:
Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You supported all my dreams and all my hopes. You're like Uranium-235, and I'm Uranium-238: Almost inseparable isotopes. I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get, From the moment that I met you, Bernadette.

Bernadette:
[choked up] Oh, Howie!

Howard:
If I didn't have you, Life would be dreary. I'd be string theory without any string. I'd be binary code without a one. A cathode ray tube without an electron gun. I'd be Firefly, Buffy and Avengers without Joss Whedon. I'd speak a lot more Klingon.Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam [Klingon for "Today is a good day to die."]

Friends:
And he'd definitely still live with his mom.

Howard:
Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You're my best friend and my lover. We're like changing electric and magnetic fields, You can't have one without the other. I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get, From the moment that I met you, Bernadette.

Everyone:
Oh, we couldn't have imagined how good our lives would get, From the moment that we met you, Bernadette.

Sheldon:
This is the very copy of the Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and.. .

Amy:
And what?

Sheldon:
No. No, no, no, no.

Amy:
What's wrong?

Sheldon:
I've made a horrible mistake.

Amy:
What are you talking about?

Sheldon:
This table. It's in square centimeters. I read it in square meters. Do you know what that means?

Amy:
That Americans can't handle the metric system?

Sheldon:
Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.

Amy:
But the Chinese team found the element.

Sheldon:
Well they shouldn't have, my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn't know about.

Amy:
Well, you just got lucky?

Sheldon:
Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!

Amy:
You and me both, brother. It doesn't matter. The element was found because of you and that's ground breaking.

Sheldon:
What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I'm not a genius. I'm a fraud.

Professor Proton:
Can I ask you a question?

Leonard:
Yeah, sure.

Professor Proton:
Why do you put up with Sheldon?

Leonard:
Oh, um, you know. Because we're friends.

Professor Proton:
Why?

Leonard:
Wow. You ask really hard questions. Look, I know he can be aggravating, but you have to remember he's not doing it on purpose. It's just how he is. Oh, but he's also loyal, and trustworthy and we have fun together.

Professor Proton:
You know, you're describing a dog.

Leonard:
He did bite me once. But in his defense I came up behind him while he was eating.

Professor Proton:
They hate that.

Leonard:
You, know what. Sheldon is the smartest person I've ever met. He's a little broke and he needs me. I guess I need him too.

Professor Proton:
Why's that?

Leonard:
You will not let this go.

Sheldon:
Because it's just so happens I'm also spending the day with a beloved children television science personality. Isn't that right new friend and colleague, Bill Nye, the Science Guy? Sorry I replaced you with a newer model.

Bill Nye:
Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It's an honor to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.

Professor Proton:
That's what I told my lawyers.

Amy:
My God, that's the girl that broke Rajesh's heart.

Bernadette:
That's Lucy?

Penny:
I don't know why, but I always pictured her as Indian.

Bernadette:
I think that reason's called racism.

Penny:
I'm going to talk to her.

Bernadette:
Why? What are you going to say?

Penny:
I'm not going to say anything. I'm going just want to talk her out. She hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who's racist now?

Bernadette:
You. Because you just called him your Indian friend.

Penny:
Yeah, well, you're short.

Amy:
We're never getting our drinks.

Bernadette:
No, believe that.

Penny:
Hi. Can I start off with something to drink?

Lucy:
Oh, water would be great.

Penny:
Okay. Um, you're Lucy, right? I'm a friend of Rajesh Koothrappali. You see, Amy recognized you.

Lucy:
Wow, how's he doing?

Penny:
Oh, you know. He's good.

Lucy:
Great.

Penny:
Yeah. This is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?

Lucy:
Um, I don't know. I guess I thought it would be easier.

Penny:
Yea, I get that. I'll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? Cause it certainly didn't make it easier for him.

Lucy:
Any chance I can get a different waitress?

Penny:
I'm sorry, it's rude of me. I will get you that water. See, see, see, see. Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you can do that with me and not with Raj?

Lucy:
I don't know your email.

Penny:
You know what the worst part is? You're sitting here perfectly happy and he's at home a blubbering mess.

Lucy:
I thought you said he was OK.

Penny:
Well, I also said I was getting your water, but look at me. Still standing here. You know, maybe I'm a bad waitress, but you're a bad person. Now, you want to hear the special?

Sheldon:
And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It's like an itch in my brain I can't scratch.

Penny:
Sheldon you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.

Leonard:
You did?

Penny:
Yeah. Back when I we dating Zack. Actually it was more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.

Leonard:
What? You went to a chapel?

Penny:
Yeah.

Leonard:
Why?

Penny:
We had one those silly fake weddings.

Leonard:
Penny, you know those are real. Right?

Penny:
No, they're not. [Laughing it off]

Leonard:
Yeah, they are.

Penny:
[Looking worried] No, they're not.

Leonard:
Yeah, they are.

Sheldon:
He's right.

Amy:
They're real.

Penny:
[quietly] It didn't seem real.

Zack:
I'm not sure about this, I heard splitting affects the children.

Penny:
Zack, we don't have any children!

Zack:
Are you sure? Cause you didn't even know we were married until this morning.

[Sheldon is counting his friends]

Penny:
He's counting Hobbits and superheroes, right?

Amy:
Sheldon, it's a beautiful night. Why don't you and I go for a walk together?

Sheldon:
Everything is just sex with you, isn't it?

Bernadette:
You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still lived across from him.

Amy:
And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.

Penny:
We do?

[Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters.]

Penny:
Hey, Sheldon.

Sheldon:
Hello.

Penny:
Doing laundry?

Sheldon:
Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so… I believe your inference is justified.

Penny:
Oh my inference is justified. Sheldon you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who is wearing them.

Penny:
[Listening to the story.] OK, that's enough.

Guys:
Disagree.

Penny:
[pointing to her bra] So what do you think?

Sheldon:
A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.

Penny:
Please Sheldon, I need you.

Sheldon:
To what?

Penny:
To take me.

Sheldon:
I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.

Penny:
Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.

Sheldon:
Penny for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.

Penny:
I think I know how to change your mind.

Guys:
That's enough.

[Sheldon walks up the stairs with a joyful Amy talking about his newborn nephew]

Amy:
Did you miss me?

Sheldon:
I would have preferred to have you there with me.

Amy:
Aww.

Sheldon:
Or instead of me.

...

Amy:
Did you hold the baby?

Sheldon:
I did.

Amy:
And...how did it make you feel?

Sheldon:
Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that wouldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying...basically just another day in the office.

Amy:
Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?

Sheldon:
We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs, we don't have to.

Leonard:
[on the phone] Yes, how much for a hundred long stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?

Penny:
[entering] Hey.

Leonard:
I'll call you back.

Penny:
Look I know you we're trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.

Leonard:
Well, I don't think you called it idiotic.

Penny:
Oh. Sorry. I meant to. Anyway. Um. I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. I feel like everything is falling apart.

Leonard:
Come on. It's okay.

Penny:
No it's not okay. Look at me. Okay. I took a temp job as a waitress like forever ago and I'm still doing it. And I can't quit because guess what I can't do anything else. And I finally get my big break. And it goes away. I'm such a mess.

Leonard:
No, you're not.

Penny:
Really? 'Cause this morning at Starbucks a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.

Leonard:
Okay, listen to me; this is just a minor setback.

Penny:
No it's not. I've been out here for like ten years and have nothing to show for it.

Leonard:
Well, you have me.

Penny:
You're right. I do have you. Hmm. Let's get married.

Leonard:
What?

Penny:
Ohh. [kneeling] Leonard Hofstadter. Will you marry me?

Leonard:
Umm.

Penny:
Did you seriously just say, "Umm?"

Leonard:
Look you know I love you, but you're…you're drunk and sad and feeling lost…

Penny:
Okay. So-so, you don't want to marry me?

Leonard:
That is not what I said.

Penny:
No, forget it. I take it back, the offer's off the table.

Sheldon:
[entering] Who is in the mood to laugh?

Leonard:
Really not a good time.

Sheldon:
But I used science to construct the perfect joke.

Penny:
I'm going to go.

Leonard:
Penny don't.

Penny:
No, no. I just need to be alone.

Penny:
Why doesn't Leonard get it?

Sheldon:
He's not like us, Penny. We're dreamers.

Leonard:
Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I'm wrong, maybe we should talk about the kind of relationship we are in.

Penny:
Yeah, well, maybe we do.

Sheldon:
I'm willing if you guys are.

Leonard:
Can we please have some privacy?

Sheldon:
No, I'm as much a part of this relationship as you two. I think that it is high time that we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?

Leonard:
No.

Sheldon:
Penny?

Penny:
Okay, wait? What are we doing?

Leonard:
For some reason, we're planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.

James Earl Jones:
The wife is in New York and I've got a Lion King residual check burning a hole in my pocket.

Carrie Fisher:
It's not funny anymore, James!

James Earl Jones:
Then why am I laughing?

Amy:
An evening looking at the stars, that's still kind of romantic.

Raj:
Except I'll be alone.

Amy:
I'm trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me.

Sheldon:
Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing at dinner on the train?

Howard:
I'm sorry, what?

Sheldon:
Oh, I'm afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.

Howard:
I don't own a pocket watch.

Sheldon:
Oh, my.

Bernadette:
You guys ever thought of getting a dining room table?

Amy:
Yeah, you actually do have room for one up there.

Raj:
Oh sure! I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl sat 10 seconds and suddenly we're all running to IKEA.

Sheldon:
No one is running anywhere. We're not getting a dining room table.

Leonard:
I know you don't like change, but it's not a terrible idea.

Penny:
You guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?

Sheldon:
Do you want the long answer or the short answer?

Howard:
How come we never get that option?

Sheldon:
Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system if the equation is describing its behavior in non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.

Penny:
Translation?

Leonard:
[Imitating a baby] Wah! I don't want a table!

[After Howard gets a phone call from NASA asking him to go to space again]

Howard:
Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.

Bernadette:
Fine, can I at least shower first?

Penny:
It's a sequel of that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.

Bernadette:
Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.

Sheldon:
: She does. 42 minutes in.

Raj:
While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.

Sheldon:
I have an eidetic memory. I don't know what his problem is.

Sheldon:
We were making fun of failed careers. We didn't get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard's.

Howard:
Hey, I work at the same university you do!

Sheldon:
Yes, and Hawkeye's in the Avengers, but no one ever says "Help, Hawkeye!"

Howard:
We can't show up to your mom's empty-handed. We should bring something.

Sheldon:
I already am. I'm bringing the gift of knowledge.

Howard:
Oh boy.

Sheldon:
Despite what her bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn't exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.

Howard:
I was gonna say we'd pick up a cake or a pie, but an insult to her faith is always thoughtful.

Mary Cooper:
Are you giving me the sex talk?

Sheldon:
Well, somebody has to.

Mary Cooper:
Oh, dear Lord!

Sheldon:
Ah, don't look to Him! He's mad at you right now.

Leonard:
You don't go into science for the money.

Bernadette:
Speak for yourself. Last month my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome. Ca-ching you blinky chumps!

Leonard:
[after Sheldon runs from the room] You're not even going to ask?

Penny:
What is this? My first day?

Sheldon:
Quick poll: PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?

Raj:
Xbox One.

Sheldon:
Penny?

Penny:
Huh?

Sheldon:
Leonard?

Leonard:
PS4.

Sheldon:
Wolowitz?

Howard:
Both are great.

Sheldon:
Bernadette?

Bernadette:
I like the Wii!

Sheldon:
Thanks grandma.

Sheldon:
This seemed so elegant at the time. But, now I realize I was just a simple country boy, seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.

Sheldon:
Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children's party while I was in Texas?

Penny:
Wait, what's wrong with geology?

Sheldon:
Let me put this in a way you'll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

Penny:
So we're about to shoot this scene in the movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.

Leonard:
Okay.

Penny:
But I realize they're gluing fur everywhere, except my cleavage. So, I ask the director why and he says it's important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.

Leonard:
It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.

Penny:
[running to a psychic's booth] I think I see our next stop!

Sheldon:
You can't be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I'd follow Leonard on Instagram.

Sheldon:
Okay, here we go. Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Raj:
Let's get this over with.

Howard:
Since we all agree episode I isn't our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time?

Sheldon:
Yeah Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favorite, we should just get rid of it.

Sheldon:
You've come to me because you're my Obi-Wan.

Arthur:
I'm not familiar with that. Is that an Internet?

Sheldon:
Wow. You're dead, so I'm gonna let that slide.

Penny:
There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone's ever seen.

Leonard:
I don't know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler's List is tough to beat.

Leonard:
C'mon, how can you be sad when you're going home with all 5-foot-6 of this? [Gestures at himself]

Penny:
You think you're 5-foot-6. That's funny.

Bernadette:
Howie, I love you. And as your wife, your mother is every bit my problem as she is yours. So… I want a divorce.

Penny:
You taught him well, Padawan.

Sheldon:
Good lord. Padawan's the student, not the teacher.