The Cosby Show, Season 4

[Elvin and Sondra's diplomas have just fallen off the wall of their run-down apartment]

Cliff:
These are your degrees from Princeton.

Elvin:
Yes.

Cliff:
Fell down.

Elvin:
Yes.

Cliff:
Rather symbolic, don't you think?

Clair:
Rudy, has Theo come home yet?

Rudy:
No. Are we going to be late for Vanessa's play?

Clair:
We better not be. I'll give him three more minutes, then we got to leave without him.

Rudy:
Mom?

Clair:
Yes, honey.

Rudy:
This is the dress I'm wearing to Kelly's party, okay? Okay, bye.

Clair:
Just a minute, Rudy.

Rudy:
Yes, Mom.

Clair:
Come here, please.

Rudy:
What for?

Clair:
Just come here. You know, just last month we put that dress and all your summer clothes in a trunk, and I told you it's getting too cold for you to wear them.

Rudy:
Yesterday, it was hot.

Clair:
Well, I know, but yesterday was an unusual day. Today it's 52 degrees.

Rudy:
It's probably going to get hot when the party starts.

Clair:
I don't think so, Rudy. The weatherman says it's gonna get colder, so why don't you take that dress and put it back in the trunk.

Rudy:
But this is my favorite dress. Can I wear it to the party? Please?

Clair:
Mmm, I want you to dress warm.

Rudy:
I am warm.

Clair:
Well, you're in the house. But, Rudy, if you go outside dressed like that, you're gonna catch a cold.

Rudy:
I don't care, as long as I can wear my dress.

Clair:
I'm sorry. The answer is "no."

Rudy:
But I wanna wear it.

Clair:
Well, I'm sorry, sweetie. You're not wearing it.

Rudy:
Yes I am.

Clair:
Young lady... don't you talk back to me. A "no" is a "no," understand?

Rudy:
But, Mommy, you're making me feel bad.

Clair:
Oh, Rudy, if you don't listen to me, you're gonna feel much worse. Now take that dress, put it back in the trunk, and let's have no further discussion about it, please.

Rudy:
I have one more question.

Clair:
Yes, what is it?

Rudy:
Can I wear my dress to the party this one time? Please?

Clair:
No. Upstairs now.

Rudy:
But Mo--

Clair:
Rudy! If I hear one more word out of you, you're not going to that party. I mean it.

Cliff:
Hey! You forgot the water heater! Hey! Hey! The water heater!

Rudy:
Hi.

Cliff:
Hey.

Rudy:
You look sad.

Cliff:
It wouldn't take my water heater away.

Rudy:
I'm sorry.

Cliff:
Mm. What's the matter with you?

Rudy:
I'm little. And when you're little, you're nothing.

Cliff:
So you're nothing?

Rudy:
I am a big nothing.

Cliff:
Hey, I'm going down to the novelty shop to pick up something for Rudy's haunted house party.

Clair:
What are you getting?

Cliff:
Well, I don't know, but I mean, you know, I am the master of fright.

Clair:
You just remember that they're children.

Cliff:
No, no, I'll take it easy on them. Hee hee hee hee.

Clair:
Oh, Jeffrey Engels called. He's gonna be over here in an hour.

Cliff:
Clair. It's past 7 a.m., dear.

Clair:
So?

Cliff:
Well, you have to go to work.

Clair:
I quit.

Cliff:
No, you're a partner in the law firm. Hit it.

Clair:
I'll be a silent partner.

Vanessa:
Here you go, Mom. I brought you some warm milk and cookies.

Clair:
Thank you, sweetheart.

Cliff:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop that.

Rudy:
What?

Cliff:
What? Haven't you ever heard of a glass?

Rudy:
But, Daddy, I'm in a hurry. I'm going to Mrs. Hickson's house to play go fish.

Clair:
Especially if you're a father like Cliff. See, he's always seen himself as the protector of his daughters.

Vanessa:
I didn't know you were coming over today.

Cliff:
I don't know what it is between your ears and brain that is dislodged. So whenever we tell you "watch your sister", by the time it travels to your brain it turns to "let her go wandering around the mall." And I just pray to the heavens that I could find something to fix it. A screwdriver, or maybe a brick!

Kim:
Are you lost?

Rudy:
I was with my brother and sister but I left cause they were stupid.

Cliff:
There you go. Hit your little machine.

Theo:
All right, well, my computer says that I counter your move with bishop to knight 3.

Vanessa:
Shhh!

Theo:
Don't tell me to shhh! I can talk when I wanna talk!

The Wizard (Vanessa):
[[being summoned] Greetings, your majesty! So tell me, what would you have me conjure for you today?

King of Nasty (Kenny):
I want to go to war, and I want you to find somebody to fight!

Wizard:
Well, let me look in my crystal ball! [holds up crystal ball] Don't tell me less / Don't tell me more / Just tell me / Who we should fight in war! ...Wait a second...it's kinda fuzzy in here. This ball must have been on the radiator too long, I can't see anything!

Duke of Doom (Peter's Younger Brother):
Off with her head!!

Wizard:
Wait wait! I see something...I see a land near here, where everyone is happy!

King of Nasty:
I HATE happy people! They think they're hot stuff!

Evil Grunt (Heathcliff):
Well happy people are not too bad, some of my best friends are happy people.

Duke of Doom:
Off with his head!!

Evil Grunt:
Uhh...well happy people stink actually, I think we should waste them!

King of Nasty:
Tell me more, wizard.

Wizard:
Their land is across the ocean and past the desert! They have toys for everyone and they like to sing!

Duke of Doom:
They sound like wimps!

Evil Grunt:
Yeah.

King of Nasty:
That does it! I hereby declare war!

Evil Grunt:
War it is your highness and your most horrendous attackedness!

King of Nasty:
But first, let's sing our song!

Evil Company:
We don't like the day / We can't stand the night / We really hate to play / We only like to fight / And we'll do it in your face!! / We don't like the day / We can't stand the night / We really hate to play / We only like to fight / AND WE'LL DO IT IN YOUR FACE!!!

Evil Grunt:
Your majesty, should I read them the new rules now?

King of Nasty:
Yes!

Evil Grunt:
[evil laugh; produces a piece of paper] Having lost the war, you are now subject to our rules! They are as follows! Rule number one: All your toys are now our toys and you can't play with them EVER AGAIN!

Song Leader (Claire):
That's not fair!

Evil Grunt:
Rule number two: From now on the farmers will only be allowed to grow brrrroccoli!

Farmer Husband (Elvin):
What about our floobaroos?!

King of Nasty:
We'll be eating those!

Evil Grunt:
Rule number three: Whenever you pass one of us, you must stop and say "You are a fabulous guuuyyyy!" Rule number four: There will be no parties in town unless WE have them! Rule number five: None of you are invited to OUR PARTIES! [evil laugh]

Good Messenger (Theo):
Now I was with you up until that one.

King of Nasty:
Silence!

Evil Grunt:
Rule number six: You now work for US, for NO MONEY, and NO BENEFITS, and you still have to...pay TAXES! Rule number seven: All taxes will be doubled, starting NOW!!

Mr. Mayor (Russell):
I will not stand for this, as mayor of this land I must protest the treatment of my people!

Evil Grunt:
Rule number eight: Anyone who protests is going to...GET IT!!

Wizard:
Your majesty, why don't you let me imprison him in my crystal ball?

King of Nasty:
Excellent! Very nasty idea!

Wizard:
Oh this mayor who has such gall / It is time for him to fall now, in front of one and all / Put him in my crystal ball!

WIzard:
Oh no, I said BALL not WALL!!

Duke of Doom:
You're pitiful!

Mr. Mayor:
Even if I am trapped inside this wall, I will not give up until you are driven from our land!

King of Nasty:
You have a long way! Read 'em the last rule!

Evil Grunt:
Rule number nine: You will only sing our songs, you cannot sing songs of your own anymore! [evil laugh]

Song Leader:
But we're a singing people! We must sing our songs!

Evil Grunt:
[affectionately] But perhaps you and I can sing a few duets, I could arrange that if you get my drift.

King of Nasty:
Henchman, SILENCE!

Evil Grunt:
I beg your pardon, your interuptedness. So! Let us sing our song!

Evil Company:
We don't like the day / We can't stand the night / We really hate to play / We only like to fight / AND WE'LL DO IT IN YOUR FACE!!!

Clair:
They are going to get all the money while Sondra goes to law school. Honey, this is gonna work out.

Sondra:
Mom?

Clair:
Yes?

Sondra:
I'm not going to law school.

Clair:
What?!

Sondra:
I decided not to go to law school.

Clair:
What do you mean you decided not to go to law school?

Sondra:
This is our dream. I am getting a temporary job until the wilderness store opens and I will be working side by side with my husband.

Clair:
Sondra, what are you saying? You've always wanted to go to law school. You never talked about anything else.

Sondra:
I changed my mind,

Clair:
CHANGE it back!

Ms. Abbott:
Cliff and Clair, I am so glad you are here.

Clair:
What is going on with Rudy?

Ms. Abbott:
Rudy is a delight and has quite an imagination.

Cliff:
That's it for the meeting.

Ms. Abbott:
Hold on... Miss Rudy and I are having a problem, it is about behavior and music.

Clair:
What is the matter?

Ms.Abbott:
Every year about the time I let them play musical instruments and let them choose. Well... Rudy was absent on the day and she had to pick what was left: the violin. She wanted the cymbals, but Kimberly chose them. As soon as music starts, she snatches the cymbals, but she's not going to play the violin forever. We switch every two weeks.

Clair:
Another thing and that is you hate Rudy.

Ms. Abbott:
I hate Rudy?

Both:
Yes, because you made her move to the back.

Ms. Abbott:
Well someone had a hearing aid and they really needed to hear it and explained it to Rudy. And also another thing, Rudy's picture was at the very bottom, that does not mean I didn't like it, I put it in ABC order.