The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Season 5

Man:
What does this contract say?

Will:
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Man:
That's right. Not Philadelphia. Bel-Air.

Will:
Well, you see--

Man:
Get in the van!

[The man throws Will into the van]

Man:
Yo, homes, to Bel-Air.

Philip:
I'm going to be watching you like a shadow!

Will:
With you, it would be more of an eclipse, huh?

Will:
I mean Dougie loves everything. People, am I the only one who sees a problem with this? (singing) I love bugs and I love death. I love oozing flesh wounds!

Will:
Yeah, where is Carlton? He had better have a good reason for standing Nicky up.

Carlton:
Will locked me in the closet!

(Will sits at the kitchen table, Hilary enters the kitchen and throws a newspaper on the table)

Hilary:
Look at this.

Will (reading newspaper):
"Powerful earthquake rattles northern coast."

Hilary:
Oh, boo-hoo.

(turns paper over and points to page):
This.

Will:
"Television personality Leeza Gibbons was shocked to learn that the woman attempting to vandalize her car was none other than rival talk show host, Hilary Banks."

Hilary:
(groans)

Will:
"Banks, seen here, wielding a potato..."

Hilary:
Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing.

I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car and it didn't even make a scratch.

At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.

Will:
Hilary, you were supposed to- never mind.

Hilary (aiming video camera at television to record Leeza Gibbons' show):
Geoffrey?! Geoffrey?!! Geoffrey!!!

Geoffrey:
You answered, Miss Hilary?

Hilary:
I have been calling you for fifteen minutes. Didn't you hear me?

Geoffrey:
Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name. I was rather enjoying it.

Carlton (comes in the kitchen with his hands on the top of his head):
Did you just put super glue in my hair gel?

Will:
That's what you get for stealing my girl.

Carlton:
I didn't have to steal her. She was bored with you, so that she has to come to a real man.

Will:
So, what you're saying is that I'm not a real man?

Carlton:
You got that right. It's like this "Hey, baby, (doing his pelvic thrust) pap, pap, stuff". It worked in high school, but now, it's just embarrassing!

Will:
Take it easy there, stumpy.

Carlton:
And you know what? I'm also getting tired of the short jokes. I'm average height.

Will:
For a woman!

Carlton:
I'm large enough for Valerie.

Will:
Uncle Phil. Hey man, what are you doing here?

Philip:
I'll tell you what I'm doing here. Years ago, I fell in love with and married a wonderful woman named Vivian. Vivian had a sister named Vy. Vy gave birth to a child named Will, whose sole purpose in life is to make mine a living Hell! Now, you have done a lot to me these last 4 years, but how you managed to have me ripped out of my wonderful life in Bel-Air and relocated to this landfill boggles my mind!

Will:
Look, Jazz, I just don't feel comfortable telling you anymore, man. Who knows? Your life could be in danger.

Jazz:
What life? I'm a married man.

Mob Killer:
If I were you, I'd run.

Will:
If you were me, you'd be good looking.

Carlton:
You can't understand and respect women because you're not in touch with your feminine side.

Will:
And you know what your problem is? You're not in touch with anybody's feminine side.

Will:
(to Ashley) Don't tell me, 'cause if I know I can't say that I don't know when you get busted and Uncle Phil starts rounding up the usual suspects. And I am the usual suspects.

Miss Sharpe:
Come closer.

Will:
Heyyyyyyyy.

Miss Sharpe:
That's a fake mustache.

Will:
No, it's not!

Miss Sharpe [takes off the mustache off]:
Yes, it is!

Will:
No, it's not!

Miss Sharpe:
Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm calling your real parents right now.

Ashley:
Will...

Will:
It's not!

(Will sees Carlton dancing.)

Will:
Carlton, what's wrong? Are you having a Malox moment?

Carlton:
I'm getting ready for Soul Train. I believe there's dancing involved.

Will:
Two things. One: That's not dancing. And two: I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from the show.

Carlton:
And why, pray tell, is that?

Will:
Again, two things, Carlton. One: Because you say stuff like "pray tell". And two: You're gonna embarrass me when I become the new co-host.

Will:
You see, Soul Train's been looking for a co-host for months, and so far no one's worked out.

Carlton:
And they're gonna give you the job based on your love for Don Cornelius dolls?

Will:
[annoyed] It's not a doll, it's an action figure! And you've got no business being on the Soul Hyundai, let alone the Soul Train.

(After scuffle in Bowling alley)

Lisa:
Will, I've been meaning to tell you that I'm a--

Will:
A what!? A Power Ranger!?

Lisa:
No, I've been studying self-defense. Did I do something wrong?

Will:
Yes, you did. I was just about to retaliate.

Lisa:
Baby, you were on the floor.

Will:
That's how I fight!

Lisa:
Let's just get back to the game.

Will:
Fine!

(Will attempts to roll the ball, but it slips and hits another man in the chest.)

(Jazz pulls out a small thin book from his pocket)

Jazz [to Will]:
I give you... The Hoodlum Pages. Okay, let's see here.

(Jazz flips through the pages)

Jazz:
Counterfeiters... Extortionists... Car Salesmen... Ah, here. Guys who take dives...

(Jazz hands Will the book and he scans the page.)

Will:
Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me, that this guy will let someone hit him ten times for $40?

Jazz:
Mention this ad and he'll throw in a head-butt.

Will:
Oh, okay, so this dude come down to the Peacock, stir up a little fray, I take him down and Lisa and everybody think I'm a hero. Aight, thanks, man. Hey, by the way, where'd you get this?

Jazz:
I stole it.

Will:
I call it, "Celebrity Houses, At Night!"

News Publisher:
Hmm, very interesting.

Will:
Cause see, here's Bob Barker drinking some coffee in the bathroom.

News Publisher:
Er...

Will:
And here's Gene Simmons frying his underwear on a barbecue grill.

News Publisher:
Um, that's lovely.

Will:
And here's Jay Leno pouring some coffee in the sewer.

News Publisher:
Oh, my god!

Lisa:
Will?

Will (wearing a fat suit):
Well, it ain't Fat Albert!

Hilary:
What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess?

Philip:
What are you thinking about?

Vivian:
I'm just trying to recall what it felt like to be 15.

Philip:
It was so long ago, how could you remember?

[Vivian scowls at her husband]

Philip:
I'm just so upset, I'm saying things I don't even mean.

Ashley:
You know something? This is all your fault.

Will:
What is that, like the theme of this family? "When in doubt, blame Will."

Nicky:
Why do you shave and Ashley doesn't?

Will:
Well, you know, because guys grow beards and some women don't.

Will:
(after being shot at the bank) Hey, don't be looking at me like that. Y'all know ain't no little bullet gonna stop me. Although, I will be doing my banking by mail from now on. Knowing my luck, I might run into a disgruntled postal worker.

Philip:
We can see Will, but we have to go right home after that.

Vivian:
Why?

Philip:
Well, apparently we're driving the nursing staff crazy.

(Hilary and a nurse walk into the room)

Hilary:
I don't understand. I'm just a visitor. Why do I need medication? And what is Prozac anyway? Do you think I need this? I feel fine.

Lisa:
Will, you can be so stupid!

Will:
Well, stupid is as stupid does!

Lisa:
What does that have to do with anything?

Will:
I don't know but the movie made a billion dollars.

Jazz:
[defibrillator on hand] Check it out, Will. I'm the black dude on ER.

Lisa:
Jazz, that's not a toy.

Jazz:
It doesn't have to be a toy to be fun. Check this out. Clear!

[he shocks himself, and is sent rolling through the hallway]

Lisa:
(to Philip) Have you ever crushed any one?

Vy:
(about Will marrying Lisa) WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT???

Geoffrey:
(enters suddenly, skipping and singing) Got to do with it! Got to do with it!

Dr. Whitehorn:
Hello, George. Wheezie.

George:
Hey, Whitey.

Dr. Whitehorn:
That's, uh -- That's Dr. Whitehorn.

George:
Yeah, yeah, Horny. Where do you want me to sit?

Wheezie:
Well?

George:
Well, what?

Wheezie:
He said to name three things you like about me.

George:
Fine. Your mother died. Your mother's dead. Your mother ain't livin' no more.

(Will laughs then coughs when he sees Lisa glaring at him)

Will:
I'm Young and I'm Restless. And I've only got One Life to Live, so I've got to follow my Guiding Light and search for tomorrow.

Will:
Uncle Phil, be honest. When Aunt Viv was pregnant with Carlton, did she... (imitates someone drinking.)

Will:
Carlton, are you sure Aunt Viv didn't... (imitates someone drinking.)

Great Mentos:
May I have a volunteer.

Carlton:
Oh, pick me, oh Great Mentos, pick me!

Will:
Oh, shoot me, oh Great Mentos, shoot me!

(Philip barks)

Will:
(to Vivian) Hey, hey, hey. Look, I'll walk him but somebody else gonna have to pooper-scoop.

Denise:
(walks into kitchen) Surprise!

Will:
(sees her and screams) AAAAHHHH!!!

Will:
Alright, I'll do you- IT! I'll do it... I mean, I'll give you a ride- OOH!!

Will:
(to Denise) We ain't gonna let you walk no 11 miles. Where's Nicky's skateboard?

Will:
(to Carlton) There's a beautiful woman talking to me, but I don't expect you to understand that!

Will:
Yo, Carlton, people are complaining there ain't no bacon on the BLT's.

Carlton:
Well, where’s the law that says the "B" has to stand for "bacon"? Read the damn sign!

Will:
Bread, lettuce and tomato!?

Stripper:
Geoffrey? But you told me your name was Will.

Geoffrey:
No, I said I was will-ing.

[Will and Carlton poke through the gifts]

Will:
Oooh, I wonder what's in here? [drops and breaks the gift]

Carlton:
Probably something that has to be replaced.

Will:
Looka here, looka here. Look at these cute little money-sized envelopes. [extracts cash] BOOM-BYA! This is one of my favorite presents: Ben Franklin! [to the $100 bill] Excuse me, Ben, allow me to show you to your seat... [inserts the bill into his back pocket and spanks it]

Will:
(last line of the season) Y'all come back now, y'hear?