The League, Season 1

Kevin:
Oh bullshit dude. I'm doing the work this year ok! Yeah I may even fly out to some mini camps. How about that? Ever think about that? Ok. I'm ready to go are you ready to go!?

Taco:
This is for you, Ellie. Happy birthday, princess.

Kevin:
Yay, Taco!

Taco:
[singing] It's your birthday today What could that mean, I guess I'll try to explain That five years ago on this day It was the first time your parents saw your beautiful face. And 9 months before that magical day Your dad probably took your mom out on a date And they were having a good time. They were dancin' and drinking wine Happy Birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday. And when they got home they were horny as hell And your dad threw your mom down on the bed And he tore her panties off And his wee wee was hard as a rock. And at this point your mom wanted to give your dad head But your dad also wanted to give your mom head So they formed a 69 And your mom came at least 3 times. And then your dad was so excited to get inside your mom That he forgot to put a condom on And when he realized his mis....

Andre:
Let me buy you a drink, on me.

Taco:
No, no, that's cool, man. I don't pay for drinks here. The bartender's my eskimo brother. What's up, T-Bag? Can I get the usual?

Andre:
What's an... eskimo brother?

Taco:
Eskimo brother-when two guys had sex with the same girl, they're eskimo brothers. You have to know what your eskimo family tree is. That's how you get things done.

Andre:
Is that like your platinum card?

Taco:
How do you guys get things done?

Pete:
We have jobs.

Andre:
We went to college.

Pete:
Yeah, we make money and we purchase things.

Taco:
You guys are weird.

Ruxin:
Look, I know you're just doing this to get, like, a little vacation from your marriage, but can't you just scurry back for, like, one week?

Pete:
Being married to Meegan is like being at the beach, okay? You put up with all of this shit that's completely unacceptable in any other situation, except that, "hey, we're at the beach!" You know, it's like you're shivering in your shorts in fifty-degree weather, but, "hey, we're at the beach." The truth is, some beaches suck. Some beaches are bad. And I know you can't really see this because you're still living at the beach, but I left. I can't go back to the beach, man. I'm done. [Ruxin just nods noncommittally] What, you don't ever think of divorce? Ever?

Ruxin:
No. I mean, I've thought about it, but I would never do it.

Pete:
What, do you have a moral stipulation?

Ruxin:
No. If Sofia and I split up, 50% of my time, I would have to spend 100% of my time with my kid. Right now, I'm rocking, like, 50% coverage 30% of my time. You cannot beat those numbers. Also, if we got a divorce, she would get half of my money, making me ostensibly poor yet still paying her to just get pounded by other dudes, which will happen because she is still smoking hot, whereas I look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.

Pete:
Wow, you have really crunched the numbers on this, my friend.

Jenny:
You named your dog Kale?

Ruxin:
Yeah.

Kevin:
I told you in confidence that we were trying to have another baby, and if it's gonna be a boy, we wanted to name it Kale.

Ruxin:
It's a great name. We can share the name.

Jenny:
No, I'm not...

Kevin:
No, we're not sharing "Kale".

Ruxin:
He looks like a Kale. I mean, look at him. He's a Kale.

Jenny:
I hate you.

Kevin:
You screwed me here. You did, because now instead of Kale, we're gonna have to name him after one of her uncles.

Ruxin:
What's that name?

Kevin:
Moral. Moral MacArthur.

Ruxin:
He sounds like a Civil War general.

Kevin:
Can you just change your dog's name?

Ruxin:
This dog is real. Your baby is hypothetical and, I think, a mistake.

Jenny:
It's not as advertised, Ruxin.

Ruxin:
Excuse me. I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my very close friends.

Kevin:
We want to watch the football games. What are you doing?

Ruxin:
Look. My wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch. And so if I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games.

Pete:
That's very sweet. Thank you.

Ruxin:
I have put the games on pause. All we need to do-

Kevin:
That doesn't-

Jenny:
That doesn't work.

Ruxin:
is respect the pause. We just need to go on an information lockdown.

Andre:
Well, that doesn't work 'cause I don't trust you.

Pete:
[pointing to Jenny] This one's a spy.

Jenny:
Me? You don't trust me? I don't trust him. [pointing to Andre] Look at that shirt.

Kevin:
I don't trust myself in my heart.

Ruxin:
I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try.

Terry Bradshaw:
[on phone] You think I'm just gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win?

Pete:
Yeah, man, I was kinda hoping you would.

Terry:
Ain't gonna happen. One other thing, all right? Do you hear me?

Pete:
What's that?

Terry:
I hated my uncle Pete.

Pete:
[after Terry hangs up] Great.

Ruxin:
Who was that?

Pete:
That's my new mortal enemy.

Jenny:
Andre?

Andre:
Meegan?

Kevin:
The dude deep-dicking Meegan?

Ruxin:
Scintillating dinner conversation?

Pete:
Meegan and I are doing the whole splitting-up-of-the-stuff, and I realize I left one crucial element in the bedroom.

Kevin:
A handgun.

Pete:
No, it's a tape.

Kevin:
What kind of tape?

Pete:
A...tape.

Kevin:
You guys made a sex tape?

Pete:
You didn't make a sex tape? You don't have one?

Kevin:
No! I don't make sex tapes. I don't do that.

Pete:
You watch porn.

Kevin:
Yeah, well, just because I like to eat doesn't mean I cook.

Ruxin:
[to Pete] Let's keep the couples massage. Just remember when you're entering Andre, not to say Kevin's name.

Ruxin:
Check out the hingis on that one.

Pete:
Oh, right, Martina Hingis. Could any name sound more like genitalia than the word Hingis? She got a nice pair of Sharapovas over there. Some Capriatis poking through.

Andre:
Oh, gentleman, check this out. Looks like the Williams sisters are playing doubles today.

Ruxin:
Her jeans are so tight, you can see her Kim Clijsters.

Pete:
I think I see a little Becker under there.

Kevin:
[running in] I want to drop my Lendls in her mouth.

Andre:
I gave Peter Ronnie Brown, and he gave me Plaxico Burress.

Kevin:
Are you serious?

Ruxin:
Are you for real?

Andre:
See you guys in the playoffs.

Kevin:
He trade-raped you. You've been trade-raped.

Andre:
He did not trade-rape me.

Kevin:
How many games have you seen Plaxico Burress play this year?

Andre:
I don't know, but the Giants have been doing...

Kevin:
[imitates buzzer] Answer is zero, because the guy is in jail for two years, you moron.

Andre:
He told me that wasn't Plaxico Burress.

Kevin:
How did you not hear about this? Did you get a hit from Taco's bong?

Andre:
I heard about it. I didn't think it was that guy!

Kevin:
That's him!

Taco:
You're such an idiot.

Kevin:
From the mouth of babes.

Jenny:
[brandishing Ruxin's broken figurine to angry bar patron] Hey, man, you all just back off, all of you. I've worked really hard this year to put together an amazing team. I have studied the waiver wire; I know all the sleepers; I have done the bye-week plug-ins-I have done it all. And all I want to do is watch the game and find out how my team does.

Kevin:
It's...really my team. She doesn't run...

Jenny:
Hold my purse, Kevin. Boys, let's go.

Kevin:
God, I thought I had it this year. I can't believe it. I really did. And now it just...it's over, so...

Pete:
Well, it's not officially over actually. There's still the small matter of the bet.

Kevin:
Yeah. The usual bet.

Jenny:
You didn't make that same bet again?

Kevin:
It's weird, though-the usual bet may have to take an unusual turn this year due to the fact that I technically did not really run my team.

Pete:
You know, that's an excellent point, because, Jenny, you have made it emphatically clear that you set the lineups and you do the trades, and you do most of the work, so...

Jenny:
You're really gonna make me do this?

Kevin:
Yeah.

Pete:
You always say you want to be one of the boys, Jenny.

Kevin:
And boys do stupid things like get naked in alleyways.

Pete:
Yeah, for a minimum of two minutes.

Kevin:
Don't worry, though. I'm gonna hold your purse and your lip gloss.

Jenny:
Fine.

[Defiantly, Jenny takes off her clothes]

Kevin:
No.

Pete:
A bet's a bet.

Jenny:
You ready? You sure? Two minutes?

[Down to just her panties, Jenny walks down the alley]

Pete:
Wow, she's actually doing it.

Kevin:
A bet's a bet.

Taco:
What did I tell you? Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta. It's a law, like water or dinosaurs.

Kevin:
Not one of those things is a law, Taco.

Ruxin:
Pete lost. We won. I'm gonna take Shiva and make her mine tonight, and I'll deliver her to Andre tomorrow.

[He kisses Kevin and excitedly runs off]

Kevin:
Oh, Rodney! God damn it! [Ruxin runs back and Kevin shields himself] No!

Ruxin:
I forgot my keys. Where are my keys?

Kevin:
I don't know.

Ruxin:
Oh, they're in my pocket. They're in my pocket

[He nutshots Kevin and runs off again]

Kevin:
[doubled over, laughing through the pain] Oh, you son of a bitch. I HATE MY FRIENDS!