The Oblongs, Season 2

Velva:
We must rescue Majora from the evil Testiclies. I could ride my horse, Fallopiuis, or take my boat, the cervix

Unnamed woman:
But we don't know if she's being held in Scroter's castle or th e vas deferent forest

Beth:
Fallopius, to the cave

Pickles:
[Italic texttalking about Milo & Beth fighting over the remoteItalic text] There's only one to settle this.

Bob:
That's right!

Pickles:
Beth, Milo you both have to fight for it! To distrepute the height differences Beth you can use a sock full of nickles!

Bob:
Morphine... what a rascal!

Pickles:
Why can't you be like your brother and QUIETLY read pornography?

Biff:
I prefer to stay focused on the manliness of sports. Coach always says heart, obedience, motivation, opportunity... H - O - M - O.

Beth:
That spells 'homo'.

Biff:
You don't know how to spell!

Helga:
[about Milo's sports drink, Manic] Looks like pee, tastes like crap!

Milo:
Maybe we shouldn't say "Tastes like crap."

Susie:
Milo, these days you need a slick marketing campaign to succeed.

Everybody:
Hail Milo! Hail Milo!

Man Among Group:
Hail Satan!... Sorry, got swept up in the moment.

Susie:
This is just donkey's blood...[tastes blood] She donkey.

Debbie:
[gasps] Crashers! and that fat girl has my locket!

Helga:
Debbie! It's Me, your best friend, Helga... and I'm not fat, I'm zaftig.

Milo:
[Grunts] I can't get the locket off. The clasp is covered with fat.

Helga:
Zaftig! It's covered by Zaftig.

Jared:
Stupid gravity!

Milo:
[as he and his friends are rolling away] Kiss my butt goodbye! [The ball rolls back to where it started] Um, I'm sorry about that "butt" crack. Buttcrack! I'm on a roll! Get it roll? Um... I'll return the locket now.

Helga:
[stuck in the sewer and surrounded by food] Hey guys! Want some Egg Foo Yung?

Peggy:
Helga, you're supposed to be losing weight!

Helga:
It's not my fault. All this stuff just fell down here. So I'm not Kate Moss. Big deal.

Milo:
Kate Moss isn't stuck in a sewer.

Helga:
Oh, I don't know. When you think about it, isn't there no bigger sewer than the world of professional modeling?

Pickles:
Come on like it he set to it

Bob:
Sweety the snob sness

Bob:
It doesn't proper pinata

Pickles:
Bob I am wanna tanger in budging here

Mikey:
[being stung by wasps] The candy's stinging me!

Debbie:
[seeing the American flag] Look! The Ralph Lauren flag!

Pickles:
[singing; bringing in cake] Happy whatever to whoever, happy whatever to whoever! Mazel Tov!

Milo:
[tastes the frosting; lurches back in disgust] This cake tastes weird...

Pickles:
Well, we didn't have any chocolate icing, so I used deviled ham instead. Enjoy!

Pickles:
Make a wish!

Milo:
I wish I was dead...

Susie:
Milo, if you say it out loud, it won't come true.

[Mayor is talking to the Helga, who is in the sewer, by the cell phone ]

Mayor:
[to the crowd] The fat girl's stuck in a pipe...

[Nobody reacts]

Mayor:
...and so is the locket.

[Everybody gasps]:

Mayor Bledso:
Here you go sweetie, this one's from daddy, and I dare any of you little candy asses to come up with a better gift!

Debbie:
[squeals] Oh daddy, a locket! Give us a kiss!

Mayor Bledso:
Ain't got time for kissin'.

Debbie:
K!

Milo:
Mom, we've got to get Helga out of the sewer! She's not losing weight! She'll have to live down there and get married down there and have kids down there, then her kids will marry each other and have more kids and they'll be hillbillies in the sewer and the banjo playing will drive us insane!

Pickles:
Finally, someone's making sense!

[Police show up and take over the Oblong's bathroom]

Bob:
Sheriff, with all due respect, you can't just show up and commandeer our toilet.

Sheriff:
Sorry, law of eminent domain. [pinches Pickles' butt]

Pickles:
Hey!

Sheriff:
Eminent domain.

Reporter:
Tune in at eleven, when we'll be talking to the next door neighbor of the man who made the velvet box the locket came in.

Bob:
I'm sure will be back

Pickles:
Yea right

Helga:
Hello is everyone there

Helga:
I think I see that rats in my but

Milo:
We have to do something

Pickles:
Carry about mouse trump

Pickles:
With damage for those wrapped

Bob:
Milo get climbing rope out of my truck.

Construction Worker:
We know what we're doing, sir.

Helga:
I'm not a sir! I'm a beautiful little girl.

Construction Worker:
He's obviously in shock. Let's get out of here.

Milo:
Helga,

Milo:
You gotta do somehing or she's gonna dround

Susie:
A little bosides he's a got a little blooney

Helga:
Thanks I'm so much better

Milo:
Where not gonna die

Milo:
Where my friend I will let you

Helga:
Thanks milo there's a number shock

Helga:
Stupid toliet

Milo:
That's it

Milo:
All research is a resides for toliet for making water rise

Milo:
Come on you gotta stop him.

Banner in school gym:
MILK VS. DEBBIE

Milo:
Uh, excuse me. It's supposed to say, Milo.

Principal:
Trust me. "Milk" will get more votes.

[At the Debbies' slumber party]

Debbie:
Debbie heard from Debbie that Debbie doesn't like Debbie as much as Debbie.

All other Debbies :
[in unison] No way!

Milo:
I'm sorry, guys. You believed in me and I let you down.

Helga:
Come on, Milo. We never believed in you.

[Debbie falls off the stage into the thresher]

[long pause; thresher continues to run]

Farmer Boy:
You want maybe I should cut this thing off?

Milo:
You can run for President, Susie.

Creepy Susie:
No, no. I have a skeleton in my closet. Oh, wait, no, I forgot; I made soup.

Chip:
Why does there have to be beautiful people anyway?

Bob:
So the people who aren't beautiful will know who to follow. It's all part of God's great plan.

Debbie:
And this chart scientifically proves that I am descended from Cinderella!

Mr. Bergstein:
But isn't Cinderella a storybo-

Debbie:
You're a storybook!

Mikey:
Can I be the pres-di-dent?

Milo:
I think you just answered your own question

Milo:
How about you peggy

Peggy:
Seriously, I can't believe you think I have the self esteem or charisma

Helga:
Whoa, clean up on aisle seven. She's out

Mikey:
Well I guest we should just forgot about it

Susie:
Then things will never improve. Time will pass, we will die, our hair and nails will continue to go

Susie:
And I come sees comes to go

Milo:
Fine, then I'll do it. I'll run and I'll win

Peggy:
Milo, no one is going to vote for a kid who wears a helmet in home room

Milo:
That's just to protect my soft spot

Debbie:
 :[to her teacher] Ron?

Teacher:
I wish you'd call me "Mr. Bergstein". And my first name is Leland.

Debbie:
Whatever.

Milo's student council poster:
MILO OBLONG Medicated and dedicated.

Debbie:
What's the point of living if you can't be beautiful?

Milo:
Debbie, beauty isn't everything. Was Mother Teresa beautiful? No, but she was loved by people all over the world.

Debbie:
Didn't she die right after Princess Diana, but no one noticed because she was ugly?

Milo's student council poster:
Elect Milo. You've had despotic - now try psychotic!

Debbie:
[being forced into the Oblongs' car] No, no! I don't wanna go to the Valley. This car was built in America. [as her father is chasing her down]: It smells like poor people!

Milo:
[Debbie is standing ontop of a bridge ready to jump] Debbie you can't do this!

Debbie:
Oh Yes I can!

Milo:
Oh no you cant (Debbie jumps but when she lands in the water it only goes up to her ankles]

Milo:
towels you, we've all tried.

Peggy:
Eeew, Gross!

Susie:
It's hideous. How long have those mice been loving in your back fat?

Helga:
I don't know, but I call the white one Mitzi

pickles:
Bitch gotta go

Bob:
Pickles, did you forget Beth again?

Pickles:
I could have sworn she drove us home!

Beth (to meat tender at store):
I'd like 2 pounds of flank steaks suitable for braising. And no bovine growth hormones. I don't need another one of these. (points to tumor)

(over announcments):
Clean up on aisle nine.

Pickles (lobsters pinching at her):
Get 'em off, Get them OFF!!

Convict:
Yo, Beth, see you on the outside!

Beth:
Don't be no one's bitch!

Photosynthesis instructor (in sexy voice):
As the suns energy causes the carbon bond to vibrate, faster, and faster, and faster, and FASTER....

Milo:
...Professor Jodie?

All men:
Shut up!

Helga:
We have to sell cookies to earn our entry fee for the Jamboree!

Pickles:
Jambo- when does this crap ever end?!

Milo:
It's not crap! This is good stuff! (everyone stares at Milo): Alright, I've been crotcheting and loving it. (pulls out hat) How cute is this?!

Bob:
It's adorable son. I was wondering if you could crochet me a noose so I can hang myself.

Chip:
C'mon let's go do stuff to him!

Biff:
Yeah, stuff!

Biff:
[To Milo] Hey, where are you going, ass-breath?

Chip:
Yeah, ass-breath, cause his breath smells like ass.

Milo:
[To Jared and Blaine, as they finish taunting Biff and Chip] Everybody says you two have sex with each other.

Susie:
[picks up hula hoop] weeee.[in an atempt to use it it fails to the ground, every one stares] What? I can't have fun?

Mikey:
Hey guys, I think I cut my bottom on a rusty nail.

Peggy:
Uh-oh, when was your last tetanus shot?

Mikey:
I don't think I've ever had-- [His jaw locks, and he cries and runs away.]

Milo:
We need a new name for our club...

Peggy:
I propose we call ourselves the Knights of Backyardia!*

Chip:
I've got a better one, how about the Lame-ass Treehouse Club for Babies?

Biff:
Hah, hah I second that [Both high-five]

Helga:
[in a flirty voice] I third it.

Chip:
[about Helga] Hey, did you guys know there's a giant tree toad in here?

Helga:
[to Chip] I love you! [She lunges herself at Chip, who moves out of the way, and she winds up kissing Milo instead, much to her horror] Ugh! I frenched Milo! Bleck!

Milo:
I have to go to the bathroom!

Chip:
In that case, I'm going into a trace. [stares blankly for a moment, and then passes out]

Beth:
[to Pickles] Mommy, what's a trance?

Pickles:
Oh, it's just something your brothers do to give each other privacy.

Milo:
[to Biff] I really have to go!

Biff:
Number one or number two?

Milo:
A little bit of both!

Biff:
[to the others] Good night, folks. [also goes into a trance, and all three collapse on the floor]

Milo:
[after being crushed beneath the weight of his brothers] This pressure's not helping....

Milo:
[to Chip after having his nipples squeezed] Hey, why are you squeezing my boobie?

Courtney:
[to Chip] Are you trying to feel me up?

Chip:
What?! No! I was feeling Milo up!

Courtney:
You have no idea how wrong that sounds!

Chip:
No, wait, I was trying to score with you!

Courtney:
That's it, I'm leaving.

Milo:
Wait! Chip says you have a beatful soul.

Courtney:
Oh! That changes eveerthing![Courtney and Chip are then making out while Milo watchs the movie]

Pickles:
Bravo baby, bravo.

Bob:
Thank you dearest, we aim to please or as the French say "Aah Uuuga!

Pickles:
Eighteen years of marriage and we've never missed a night.

Bob:
Or morning haha. Goodnight my love.

[Alarm goes off]

Pickles:
Rise and shine me!

Bob:
James, you dog. So whose the lucky gal?

James:
I don't know she hasn't been delivered yet.

Bob:
Oh James, you can't marry a baby.

James:
No she's a mail-order bride silly. I bought her on Ebay, I'm giving her this tomorrow. It's one of those cloudy yellowy diamonds that women love.

Bob:
James I'm very happy for you. I only hope your marriage is as wonderful as mine and Pickles.

James:
Thanks Bob. Hey you comin' to my bachlor party night right? The whole gang will be there!

Bob:
What gang?

James:
The one I bought on Ebay. Steve99@xcom, Packerfan@tetnet.

Bob:
Sounds like a super giant gasser. Hey I have some funny napkins I can bring.

Bob:
[Gasps] Good lord that woman has no blouse on. '[Gasps] My god she's making it worse.

James:
Bob, this is a strip joint.

Bob:
A what? I thought it was a colonial theme steak house.

Announcer:
Hear ye, hear ye. Let's give it up for a great patriot Lady Amber from the county of Cleavage as she declares independence from her knickers.

Bob:
Ah, I beseech my lady. My fair wife wouldn't approve. Ah careful there, my family jewels are on the dance floor. Uh miss, your clogs are getting awfully close to my

Doctor:
Oof, that's nasty. Well, no sex for a couple of weeks.

Bob:
A couple of weeks! But my wife and I have never missed a night.

Doctor:
Then what the hell were you doing in a strip joint you dirty pig!

Bob:
It's really none of your..you know your bedside manner could use a little work.

Doctor:
Sorry.

[Doctor takes a picture of Bob's stuff]

Doctor:
This ought to gross them out on the internet.

Pickles:
The captain of the SS Woman is on the bridge. [blowing horn sound] All hands on me!

Pickles:
Kids, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be brutally honest. Is mommy still sexy?

Chip:
Gross.

Biff:
Aren't you like thirty or something.?

Pickles:
Thanks.

Beth:
I think your beautiful mommy.

Pickles:
Awww, baby.

Beth:
You have a pretty mustache.

Chip:
Dude, you look thrashed.

Milo:
I didn't get any shut eye. Except for this one in which doesn't count cause there's something wrong with me.

Pickles:
My Bob isn't attracted to me anymore Anita.

Anita:
Let me get you a drink.

Pickles:
I'm too depressed to drink. Just give me a beer and a shot.

Anita:
I'm sure it's nothing to worry about Bobs probably just having an affair.

Pickles:
What?!

Anita:
Have you noticed any of the tell tale signs?

Pickles:
Like what?

Anita:
Oh, like.. he's irrepressibly chipper?

Pickles:
He sure is.

Anita:
Stingy with the hugs?

Pickles:
You know I always have to hug him.

Anita:
Is there a bounce in his step?

Pickles:
Oh, my god he has been bouncing!

Anita:
Take it from me, he's chasing strange.

Pickles:
Well, no one's stealing the love of my life! I'm going to follow him! [She pauses] What was I going to do?

Pickles:
How dare you steal my husband!

Nun 1:
Me? I'm married to the Lord.

Nun 2:
Hey! I'm married to the Lord.

Nun 1:
Oh, no you're not!

Guy:
Nun Pile!

Pickles:
Who is she? I know you're having an affair Bob. That's why you won't make love to me.

Bob:
An affair? That's crazy.

Pickles:
Don't screw with me Bob, I bit off a nun's ear. Now tell me the truth.

Bob:
Ok! I'll tell you! I went to James' bachlor party and a stripper stepped on...your buddy!! I'm a filthy pig!

Pickles:
Awww, Bob, I don't care about that.

Bob:
But.. I'm a dirty birdy.

Pickles:
Yeah but you're my dirty birdy. Now let's never use that phrase again.

Bob:
Uh Pickles, we still can't have relations for a while.

Pickles:
Oh right. Well, we can do without sex. After all we have a very rich relationship.

Bob:
That we do, sugar lumps.

Pickles:
I mean two weeks isn't that long.

Bob:
Nah.

[Short pause]

Pickles:
Gimmie sex! Gimmie sex!

Bob:
Ahh! No means no! No means no!

Teacher:
Ok kids, we're going to be working with some volatile chemicals today, except for you Milo since the school board has rated you a class four maniac.

Milo:
I was just gonna brew a nice cup of tea. You know, I don't sleep.

[Tea kettle goes off]

Teacher:
Kids, Milo's made a bomb!

[Everyone ducks for cover]

Milo:
There, there now, it's just my kettle. The old girl does jabber up a storm. Ahh.. jasmine.

Susie:
He's getting awfully purty. He's got to get some sleep.

Helge:
Just not before the crumpets are ready.

Milo:
Now, now let 'em cool, you wee buggers.

Pickles:
Anita do you have a brother?

Anita:
Uhh... Yeah, sure, why not?

Pickles:
Bob what's happening to us? We used to have so much fun together.

Bob:
We're eating soup with garlic croutons. What do you want woman?

Pickles:
Well, let's go out on the town. We can call another couple and double date.

Bob:
The only couple I know are James and his fiancee. I don't how much fun she'll be,though. She's dead..and Canadian.

James:
Maybe you could give me some marriage advice?

Bob:
Sure. Never let a stripper clog dance near your dingle.

James:
Are there two g's in 'dingle'?

Biff:
Dude, eating an entire turkey in bed was a great idea.

Chip:
Yeah, but won't it make us sleepy?

Biff:
Nah, not unless we hear some white noise.

[Hear water coming into their room and they fall asleep]

Pickles:
What's all that racket?

Bob:
The kids are drowning baby.

Helga:
(as other children are making a sand statue around her) I'm going through puberty. Make with the sea weed!

Bob:
I may not have arms and legs, but I have the one part of a man that truely matters, and it's huge.

Dusty:
I'd like to see that.

Male lifeguard:
Me too.

Mayor Blodsoe:
Hit me in the groin with that golf club

'Mayor Blodsoe:
that hurts more than I thought it would

Helga:
[stuck in below the sewer] Hello? Is anyone there? I think there's rats in my butt.

[After Debbie and the twins start arguing]

Debbie:
Like, what's with the dork shoes? :[points at Biff and Chip's shoes]

Chip:
 :[angrily] I thought I told you, no more Buster Browns!

Biff:
The salesman was putting pressure on me!

Chip:
I am so angry with you right now.

[The Clubhouse treehouse; the five kids are having a meeting]

Peggy:
The meeting will now come to order. I will commence by reading the minutes from last week's meeting followed by Q and A and reports from committees.

Mikey:
Let's light our farts on fire.

Peggy:
Excuse me, but- That's not in accordance with parliamentary procedure!

Milo:
I have some new business. The Debbies treat us like dirt. Why don't we elect someone else student council president?

Peggy:
But nobody's ever beat the Debbies.

Milo:
How do we know unless we try? l mean, you could run, Susie.

Susie:
No, no. I have a skeleton in my closet. Oh, wait. No, I forgot. I made soup.

Milo:
Helga, how about you?

Helga:
Are you cranked out of your mind? l would never run against my dear bosom friend, Debbie.

Milo:
Helga, the Debbies hate you.

Helga (as the school's on fire):
The candy! Someone save the CANDY!