The Office, Season 9

Andy:
Why is Nellie still here?

Toby:
You can only fire Nellie for cause.

Andy:
Then I will make up a cause.

Toby:
Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now, if she sues, I have to testify against you.

Andy:
Then forget I just told you that.

Toby:
I can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. Sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?

Andy:
Now I know why Michael hated you so much.

Toby:
No, he didn't.

Creed:
In the parking lot today, there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.

Darryl:
Seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.

Jim:
Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so...

Kevin:
At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now. [looking at map] The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare.

Angela:
So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head?

Oscar:
Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?

Kevin:
314 pies.

Oscar:
What if it were salads?

Kevin:
Well, it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.

Erin:
The more I here about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.

Meredith:
Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pinkeye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.

Dwight:
[locked inside Andy's office] Attention, people of the office. You have exactly sixty seconds to evacuate the bullpen. At that time, [pulls pin from grenade] I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide as well as...

[Drops grenade, which goes off, filling office with gas]

Erin:
Dwight, are you okay?!

Dwight:
Whoa. That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple...

[Dwight faints]

Erin:
Wow. He got to purple.

Dwight:
I can't believe you came.

Michael:
That's what she said.

[The series' last lines]

Jim:
I sold paper at this company for twelve years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid...wonderful...boring...amazing job.

Pam:
I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all, I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?

Andy:
There are two things I am passionate about. Recycling, and revenge.

Pam:
I've been through several rounds of development with the team and here's where we stand with the chore wheel. [introduces a new wheel] We've got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores, but they were right; it's more fun this way.

Creed:
The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin though.

Dwight:
[about Game of Thrones] It has a lot of nudity, which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.

Group:
Shabooyah, role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!

Pam:
My name is Pam.

Group:
Yeah!

Pam:
I like to paint.

Group:
Yeah!

Pam:
You think you’re better?

Group:
Yeah!

Pam:
Oh no you ain't!

Group:
Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!

Kevin:
My name is Kevin.

Group:
Yeah!

Kevin:
That is my name.

Group:
Yeah!

Kevin:
They call me Kevin.

Group:
Yeah!

Kevin:
'Cause that's my name.

Dwight:
At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?

Oscar:
I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. He showed a lot of self-control.

[cut to Kevin in interview]

Kevin:
I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham!

Meredith:
Hey, so that good-lookin' single brother of yours, heard he was in a downward spiral with booze.

Andy:
Yeah, he's in rehab, actually.

Meredith:
Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.

Erin:
Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family's boat, and he took his brother, but not me. I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song - No Woman, No Cry.

Pam:
Dwight listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who's a nice, reasonable person in your experience?

Dwight:
I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.

Pam:
Okay, so when you're selling to this woman, just imagine she's that nice, reasonable barber.

Dwight:
Okay, I can do that.

Pam:
Good. Baby steps.

Dwight:
He used to fight dogs.

Pam:
Like, he used to make dogs fight, or he actually fought dogs?

Dwight:
Little of this, little of that.

Pam:
Do you think Kevin cares what other people think about him? Or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh! These are my role models now.

Nellie:
This next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex. Oh, you salty dog!

Darryl:
Well, you know, what can I say? A playa's gotta play.

Pete:
There you go.

Darryl:
[to the camera crew] Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm a let them think the other thing.

Dwight:
Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.

Oscar:
How would anyone even know...

Dwight:
Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?

Phyllis:
I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.

Meredith:
[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!

Nellie:
Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?

Kevin:
Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?

Dwight:
What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.

Jim:
Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?

Kevin:
No.

Angela:
No!

Jim:
Done, right?

Angela:
No.

Stanley:
No. I want Tropical Christmas.

Meredith:
Topless Christmas.

Creed:
Tapas Swiss Miss.

Dwight:
[on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of Handsome and Stinky: Paper Brothers for Hire.

Jim:
Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.

Dwight:
Oh, God, this again? You're Stinky.

Jim:
Okay, there's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.

Dwight:
Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.

Phyllis:
I have ears, Dwight.

Dwight:
Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?

Jim:
Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.

Dwight:
How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.

Jim:
Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?

Dwight:
Hmm. That's a good... question. 300 times...

[Jim hangs up]

Dwight:
180... Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.

Erin:
The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand... they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones.

Pam:
[on phone] Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?

Jim:
I think I'm a little too busy these days to s - - [whispering] Oh, my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.

Dwight:
I'll be dammed if I'm gonna let us lose me.

Dwight:
Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.

Jim:
You could've just called that an alliance too, right?

Dwight:
I chose my words very carefully.

Dwight:
Well they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next, and he's a real professional. You say, "jump," and he says, "on who?" He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.

Erin:
Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. [Whispers] Neither guy is here. And its Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies.

Dwight:
This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.

Pam:
I know. You miss Angela, don't you?

Dwight:
I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. [thinks for a moment] Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

Andy:
I know you may not be feeling love for me right now, but if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference.

Phyllis:
I can't be around sad people, it just makes me sad.

Stanley:
I'm the same around horny people.

Angela:
What is it?

Dwight:
It's my Aunt Shirley. She's on her last legs.

Angela:
Dwight, that's awful.

Dwight:
You have no idea. I mean her hair, her clothes, its all falling off in great, big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit, because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.

Angela:
What do you mean by poisoned?

Dwight:
Probably nothing. Or Strychnine. Or Lemonade and Strychnine, which is actually what it was.

Dwight:
We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.

Todd Packer:
My name is Todd Packer, and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous, step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.

Kevin:
Packer, we accept.

[Everyone objects]

Todd Packer:
Actually, I have a specific way I need to do this, and I have to go through examples of stuff. Okay, uh, where to begin? Hey, Pam-Pam and her Pam-Pams. Well I have said some crude things about those. But they are beautiful, and I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you and personified your breasts. Sorry guys. [to Phyllis] Oh, boy. I have not been nice to you. Phylly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin... [to Clark] This kid...in a few years.

Pam:
Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.

Todd Packer:
Why can't I just be nice?

Kevin:
[Comes into the office to find Phyllis with her eyes closed and earbuds in] Uh oh, she's doing it again!

[Cut to Pam and Clark in interview]

Pam:
Phyllis has gotten into audiobooks, and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey, which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um, uh...

Clark:
It's porn.

Pam:
Yeah.

Andy:
Hold on, why is Phyllis so aroused?

Pam:
She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.

Andy:
Well, there you go. That's muy caliente.

Dwight:
Ok, you are useless. I'll take care of this.

[Pours a bucket of water all over Phyllis to wake her up]

Phyllis:
WHAT THE HELL!?

Dwight:
It's ok, guys, she's no longer horny.

Andy:
Excuse me, dirty birdie.

Oscar:
Our office has an unusually large number of, unusually large people. So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.

Clark:
We can't just leave him bubble-wrapped like this.

Dwight:
Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.

Clark:
That's actually really smart.

Dwight:
Thank you.

Clark:
God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.

Nellie:
We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill. [cut to Kevin flying paper airplane] Others relied on showmanship. [cut to Dwight throwing airplane at Nate with an apple on his head] Others seem not to comprehend what a paper airplane is. [cut to Creed throwing a melon] And of course, there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster.

Dwight:
Yesterday was the first round of a branch-wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by WeyerHammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product, Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. Its not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. It's practically made of plastic.

Jim:
I'm taking some time off from work - well, my other work - because we needed it.

Pam:
It's great.

Jim:
It's great.

Pam:
The phone's been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kinda going nuts.

Jim:
But that doesn't matter. This does. We've had some really nice days together.

Pam:
M-hm. Nice morning too.

Jim:
[through stifling laughter] Beesly. Oh my god.

Andy:
Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I'm making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor?

Erin:
Bluntly, yes, huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless, or maybe even starve.

Andy:
Thank you.

Jim:
So what is the problem?

Dwight:
Angela.

Jim:
I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.

Dwight:
Some sort of virus?

Jim:
Love.

Dwight:
Oh.

Jim :
Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.

Dwight:
You're a good assistant, Jim.

Dwight:
Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.

Jim:
You watched it?

Pam:
Yeah.

Jim:
[handing her an envelope] Then I guess you're ready for this.

Pam:
What's that?

Jim:
It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the note and is truly touched] Not "enough" for me? You are everything.

Dwight:
[through a megaphone] Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son! I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!

Angela:
Can you put that down?

Dwight:
This expresses how loudly I love you!

Angela:
It's too loud.

[Dwight puts the megaphone down, gets on one knee, and pulls out a ring]

Dwight:
This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.

Angela:
Okay. Yes. Yes, I will! [They embrace and kiss] I love you. And I lied to you.

Dwight:
What?

Angela:
Phillip's your son.

Dwight:
What? Why would you say...

Angela:
I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.

Dwight:
Get out! I'm a dad!

Angela:
You're a dad!

Jim:
Dwight, I don't know how to tell you this, but...we have a little bit of a problem.

Dwight:
Oh, no. What?

Jim:
The minister just told me that it's tradition for the bestest mensch to be older than the groom.

Dwight:
Oh, come on. I've never heard of such a thing!

Jim:
I haven't heard of it, obviously. But I'm out, because I'm significantly younger than you.

Dwight:
No! Not—significant is a big word.

Jim:
Well, either way, Dwight...[pause] I can't be there for you. I'm sorry.

Dwight:
Jim.

Jim:
I just...really wish there was something I can do.

[Jim looks straight ahead. Dwight turns around and sees Michael]

Dwight:
Michael. I can't believe you came.

Michael:
That's what she said. [Dwight cries out in joy and hugs Michael]

[cut to Jim in interview]

Jim:
Best prank ever.

Darryl:
Every day when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?

Creed:
It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But, no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. [camera zooms out to show Creed in handcuffs, escorted by two police officers] Let's do this.