The Office, Series 1

David:
My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?". Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!

David:
I said, "If Head Office try and come here and interfere, they've got me to contend with, okay? You can go and fiddle with Neil's people, but I'm the head of this family. You're not going to fiddle with my children. I am, if anyone does."

[Gareth is describing his renovated car]'

Gareth:
I've got some photos... [opens drawer and recoils in shock] Oh, what is that!?

David:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gareth:
[To Tim] Right, that is it!

David:
Slow down, you move too fast. Solomon's here. All part of the job. What's going on?

Gareth:
[taking out a plate of yellow jelly with a stapler in it] He's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done that. It wasn't even funny the first time.

David:
Why's he done that?

Gareth:
I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.

David:
Yeah, you show him a weakness, he pounces, you should know about that. Oh, what is in here?

Gareth:
It's my stapler.

[Gareth pulls the stapler out of the jelly]

David:
Well don't do that! Eat it out! [To the camera] There's people starving in the world, which I hate. So, it's a waste. So... [To Gareth] How do you know it's yours?

Gareth:
'Cause it's got my name on it in tippex.

David:
Yeah, don't eat it now. Chemicals.

David:
"Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs." Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.

Gareth:
If anything they should be rewarded.

David:
They should be equal.

Gareth:
Women are equal.

David:
I've always said that.

Gareth:
I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.

Ricky:
You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?

Gareth:
Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?

David:
There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go "Ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced". Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not - it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.

Gareth:
All farmers have wives.

Tim:
This one doesn't, he's gay.

Gareth:
Well, then, he shouldn't be allowed near animals, should he?

Dawn:
He proposed on a Valentine's Day, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said "Lee love Dawn, marriage?" which you know, I like, because it's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty.

Rowan:
Gareth, what's your ultimate fantasy?

Gareth:
Two lesbians. Sisters, probably. I'm just watching.

Rowan:
Okay.. umm, Tim?

Tim:
I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

David:
I'd like to make a complaint please.

Rowan:
Don't care.

David:
Well, I am staying in the hotel..

Rowan:
Don't care, it's not my shift.

David:
Well you're an ambassador for the hotel...

Rowan:
I don't care what you think..

David:
I think you'll care when I tell you what the complaint is...

Rowan:
I don't care!

David:
I think there's been a rape up there! See, I got his attention. Get. Their. Attention.

Tim:
There was, oh my God, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eighth's. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bowl-in Alley, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said "Mind Your Head" - nice... and underneath someone had written "Don't get your Hampton Court." It's not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

Gareth:
If you're so clever, what am I thinking now?

Tim:
You're thinking "how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"

Gareth:
No.

Tim:
You're thinking "if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes?"

Gareth:
No. And you can't.

Tim:
What are you thinking Gareth?

Gareth:
I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.

David:
Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted. So, every cloud... You're still thinking about the bad news, aren't you?

David:
You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go "Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs." I do it so, one day, someone will go "There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him."

Tim:
I think it was John Lennon who said "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." And that's how I feel. Although he also said "I am the walrus. I am the eggman." So I don't know what to believe.