The Really Loud House, Season 1

Lincoln:
[wakes up] Today is a big day. Today is the day Lincoln Loud becomes a man. [gets out of bed] And I am super pumped! [cut to him in the bathroom, brushing his hair] I've always been known as the Man with the Plan, but tonight, I'm gonna take it up a notch. My best friend Clyde and I will be watching the Rip Hardcore Midnight Marathon and getting our official Macho Man badges.

[The Louds kids gather in the living room for a family meeting while talking over each other]

Lynn Sr.:
Order! Order!

Rita:
Zip it, people! [the kids quiet down] Your father said order.

Lynn Sr.:
That I did. Now. [clears throat] As some of you may have heard…

Siblings except Lily:
[deadpan] We know. Tomorrow's your half-birthday.

Lily:
[joining in] Day!

Lynn Sr.:
Tomorrow is my half-birthday, but that's not what this meeting's about. But feel free to mark it on your calendars. [chuckles] Moving on. Lucy…

Lucy:
[as her siblings look at her] What?

Lynn Sr.:
…has been up for three days straight, and last night she scared the bejeezus out of me. So, there's gonna be a new rule around here.

Lincoln:
[to the viewers] Probably gonna be no more sneaking up on people.

Lucy:
[slides next to him and jumpscares him] You think so?

Lincoln:
You really should start wearing a bell.

Lynn Sr.:
And the new rule is… Everyone goes to bed before midnight, not one minute later.

Lincoln:
NOOOO! This isn't fair! It's Lucy's fault! Why should we have to suffer?! [he and all his sisters start protesting]

Lynn Sr.:
Order! Order! Don't make me have to count! Here we go! One, two--

Rita:
[holds up her fist, silencing the siblings] You did it, honey.

Lynn Sr.:
Sorry I had to be so harsh with them. In this house, it's all for one and one for all.

Rita:
And Lucy's not the first kid to make a mistake.

Lynn Sr.:
Yeah, Mom's right. You've all been responsible for new rules around here.

[Lincoln gathers his sisters in Lisa and Lily's room]

Lincoln:
Ok, so here's the plan. Tonight at midnight, you guys will take Dad out to Jean Juan's French Mex for a half-birthday celebration. I will stay here and watch the Rip Hardcore Midnight Marathon and get my Macho Man Badge.

Lori:
Look, Lincoln, I'm only home from college for two days, and we all have a lot of stuff to do. So if you want us to help you, you're gonna have to help us with our stuff.

Lisa:
I'm entering Todd in a robotics competition, and it seems another contestant also has a robot named Todd.

Lincoln:
Why can't he change his robot name?

Lisa:
[sighs] His Todd was named after his recently-deceased grandfather. Some guys have all the luck.

Lincoln:
So you need me to come up with a new name for Robot Todd?

Lisa:
Precisely.

Lincoln:
How about Beau?

Lisa:
No.

Lincoln:
Jamie?

Lisa:
Lamey. This is a list of names that I don't like. [shows a massive board filled with X'ed out names, then flips it over to show the other side is also full of X'ed out names]

Todd:
We've been here for hours.

[Nighttime at Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet; The Louds, and Todd, disguised as Lincoln, are all assembled for Lynn Sr.'s half-birthday]

Lynn Sr.:
I am having such a good time. [chuckles] Lynn, how's that beef baguette in a bread bowl?

Lynn:
Great! Perfect pre-game meal for my hockey championship tomorrow. Carbo load! [keeps eating]

Rita:
You still need to chew carbs, sweetie.

Lynn:
[mouth full] I do?

Todd:
It seems there really is no stronger bond than family.

[Daytime at Royal Woods Middle School…]

Lincoln:
Ok, people. We're not leaving here until we've come up with some hot stories. Let's go, the news doesn't make itself.

Clyde:
Actually, it does.

Lincoln:
Helping or hurting, Clyde, helping or hurting? I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge this morning.

Rusty:
[leaning in close to Zach and Liam] He's got a butt pimple that's been revealing barking at him.

[Zach and Liam both wince in disgust]

Lincoln:
I wanted to keep that between us, Rusty. I guess I should have been more clear when I said, "Let's keep that between us." Now, does anyone have a news story? [Stella raises up her hand] Stella.

Stella:
Are butt pimples contagious?

Zach:
I have absolute proof that the school nurse might be an alien.

Liam:
I don't know what's wrong with that melon story I pitched. Thing's grown to darn near the size of a baby head.

Clyde:
What's the hook? Why are we watching?

Liam:
Because, it's grown to darn near the size of a baby head. You put a live feed on that and the audience will be happier than a kitten chasing a leaky cow.

Lincoln:
So we got nothing.

Liam:
Is that nothing with the melon, or nothing without the melon?

Rusty:
Thank God for "Real Talk with Rusty". Without my show, our ratings would be in the toilet.

Lincoln:
[to the viewers] "Real Talk with Rusty" has been the top-rated middle school news show in the tri-state area for seven months running.

Lynn Sr.:
[inspecting Leni's sunburned arm] What did I tell you about sunbathing on the roof?

Leni:
Don't fall off.

Lynn Sr.:
Just pour some of this on it.

Leni:
Ranch dressing?

Lynn Sr.:
Uh-uh. Cool ranch.

Luan:
Our brother has a butt pimple.

Luna:
It's the only thing standing between him and what might be true love.

Leni:
A butt pimple!

Lincoln:
You wouldn't think my sisters and I would be so excited about parent-teacher conferences. But every year, Dad promises that if more than half of us get a positive review, he'll treat us to the biggest dessert in Royal Woods: Auntie Pam's Banana Split in a Canoe!

Lincoln:
I hate to throw my parents under the bus, but we're talking about a canoe full of ice cream. Come on.

Lincoln:
[coming out of the front door; stiffly] If you're a Royal Woods middle schooler, today is the biggest day of the year, the annual Kangaroo Hop, the Super Bowl of middle school dances.

Liam:
Cut! You're all stiff, like a baby calf in a blizzard.

Lincoln:
Sorry, Liam.

Liam:
Haven't you ever talked to a camera before?

Lincoln:
[to the viewers] Liam is really excited about getting to shoot his first solo Action News piece, a documentary about the Kangaroo Hop.

Liam:
You know what? I'm gonna scrap the opening for now and get some B-roll of the decorations committee.

Lincoln:
Order! Order! Order!

Lynn Sr.:
Is he allowed to call family meetings now?

Rita:
This better be important. [sighs as Lily suddenly starts bawling off-screen] Lily's on a sleep strike. We only slept 28 minutes last night. Oh, we should do the stroller trick.

Lynn Sr.:
Mm-hm.

Lincoln:
I've called this family meeting to address the constant infringement on my personal space, A.K.A. my bedroom. Which isn't very big to begin with.

Lana:
Your room's not that small.

Lincoln:
Lana, I have to step outside to change my mind.

Lynn Sr.:
[chuckles] You know, I should tell more jokes in my family meetings. [Rita gives him a stern look] I'll get the stroller.

Luna:
Lincoln, you're the only one without a roommate.

Clyde:
I beg to differ. I'm here quite often, and this morning, my cubby had an engine block in it.

Lana:
That's a carburetor, dude.

Clyde:
Great. That's much more normal.

Lana:
You guys didn't let us into your club.

Lisa:
Well, Leni and Luna didn't let us into their club.

Luna:
Well, Clyde and Lincoln didn't let us into their club.

Clyde:
Hey, we had a very good reason for that. Lincoln, what was the reason?

Lincoln:
I don't know. But I'm getting some of those chicken wings.

Lynn:
You cross that line, you're gonna get decked by one of those wings.

Lincoln:
You wouldn't.

Lana:
[throws a chicken wing at Lincoln as he crosses the line] No, but I would. Oh, and by the way… [eats one] They're delicious.

Lincoln:
Well, then maybe you should try them with some… [grabs some tortilla chips and dips them in guacamole and sauce] Nachos. [throws them at Lana]

[Clyde laughs at her as she wipes the nachos off herself]

Lynn:
Oh, is that funny, Clyde? Because the potato skins… are hilarious! [throws some potato skins at him]

[Leni throws a meatball in Luna's left eye]

Luna:
Leni… why'd you do that?

Leni:
I don't know. Seemed fun.

Lisa:
[grabs another meatball and throws it at Leni's dress] It is fun.

Clyde:
Nothing's more fun than guacamole! [grabs a fistful of guacamole and throws it at Lynn]

Lucy:
[as Lynn throws some stuffing at her in retaliation] That was a mistake.

Rita:
[as the twins pour themselves some cereal with plates of broccoli behind them] Uh-uh. You're not eating another thing until you finish this broccoli.

Lola:
Broccoli's gross.

Lana:
And cold.

Rita:
Well, it was warm when I served it to you last night.

Lana:
But we don't wanna waste all this delicious cereal when there's so many hungry people in the world.

Rita:
Well, Lisa and Mr. Nibbles can eat it. [takes the cereal bowls away as the twins groan]

Lincoln:
Mr. Nibbles loves his cereal.

Lisa:
Mr. Nibbles won't be receiving any tasty rewards until he successfully completes this week's mouse maze.

Luan:
[enters the kitchen] If he did complete it, it would be "a-maze-ing." [laughs; no response] "A-maze-ing?" Because the mouse goes through the maze?

Rita:
I love you, sweetheart.

Luan:
That joke would've been funny if Mr. Coconuts was here. Has anyone seen him? He's been lost for three days.

Lincoln:
[terrified as he and Clyde are being watched by Boris in a cloak and holding a scythe] Clyde, I think we've bored ourselves to death.

[Haiku and Dante enter next to Boris]

Boris:
Where is the entrance to the underworld? [Lincoln and Clyde slowly look at each other in confusion] The basement?

Lucy:
[appearing near the basement] Welcome, fellow Morticians' Club members. Darkness and snacks await you. [escorts her mortician friends down to the basement] This meeting will commence by acknowledging those members who are sadly not with us. Bertrand and Morpheus are at their callback for "Guys and Dolls"-- congrats to them both-- and Persephone is at Kumon.

Dante:
[raises his hand] Is today show-and-tell?

Lucy:
Dante, for the last time, it's not called show-and-tell. It's called share-and-scare.

Lori:
Bobby? Can we focus on our date, please?

Bobby:
Oh, sorry. I-I feel like I've done this all before.

Lori:
You literally have.

Principal Ramirez:
[over PA] Will Clyde McBride please report to the principal's office?

Students:
Ooh!

Mr. Bolhofner:
Ooh!

[Clyde arrives at Principal Ramirez's office and is shocked to see his dads there]

Harold:
Young man, you have got some explaining to do.

Howard:
You can start by explaining why… you are so fabulous!

Principal Ramirez:
Congratulations! You made it into the BETR program!

Clyde:
[stunned] Really?!

Principal Ramirez:
[over PA] Will Lincoln Loud please report to the principal's office? Lincoln Loud to the principal's office.

Lincoln:
That's the call! It's been real. It's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun. As the French say, hasta luego! [exits the classroom and heads to Principal Ramirez's office, while walking backwards]

Rusty:
I didn't know Lincoln spoke French.

[Lynn Sr. and the Loud sisters are preparing a Mother's Day breakfast in the kitchen for Rita with Lincoln and Clyde filming the whole thing]

Clyde:
And we're rolling.

Lincoln:
This is gonna be the greatest Mother's Day ever.

Lynn Sr.:
And now for the star of the show: Mom's favorite breakfast fajitas. [carefully removes the fajitas from the oven] Sorry, dads everywhere. Here we go. This was a great idea, Lynn.

Lana:
This was my idea.

Lynn:
You said Mexican food. I had the idea for the smokin' fajitas.

Lucy:
I had the idea to burn the toast.

Leni:
Okay, well, it was my idea to use the plate.

Lynn Sr.:
[stopping the arguing] Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! It is Mother's Day. I get half the credit, and you divide the rest by 11.

[Lynn Sr. holds a meeting in Lisa and Lily's room after the breakfast fajitas accidentally burned Rita's legs]

Lynn Sr.:
That is not the face of a Happy Mother's Day.

Lisa:
That definitely stung.

Lynn Sr.:
Now while I bear a quarter of the blame, the rest is yours divided by eleven.

Loud kids:
What?

Lana:
I mean, it was Lynn's idea to do the fajitas.

Lynn:
Yeah, because you said Mexican food.

Lana:
That was after the fact that you said…

[Everyone starts arguing]

Lynn Sr.:
Okay, okay, alright, alright, alright! Let's not play the blame game! We all had a hand in this.

Lincoln:
Not me and Clyde. We didn't mess up.

Clyde:
Yeah.

Lincoln:
We just captured it on film.

Clyde:
With excellent framing and crisp sound.

Lynn Sr.:
Look, the point is, the greatest mom ever deserves the greatest Mother's Day ever.

Lana:
She's the best.

Lynn:
Yeah, you're right, Pops.

Lynn Sr.:
And now that her burns are healed, it's the perfect time for a redo. So you guys get busy with some fresh ideas, and I'm gonna go give Mom the good news.

Lori:
[referring to Rita] She is literally the most patient person I know.