The Suite Life on Deck, Season 1

Miss Tutweiller:
Bailey, I'd let you stay; but unfortunately we don't have a cabin to put you in.

Zack:
She can stay in my room. I'm willing to take one for the team.

Miss Tutweiller:
I meant, a girl's cabin. Every girl has a roommate.

London:
Except for me!

Bailey:
Oh, London. Thank you. Thank you.

Moseby:
London, so nice of you to share your room with Bailey.

London:
I wasn't offering! I was gloating!

Bailey:
I want to stay here and be your BFF! (hugs London)

London:
Get O-F-F.

Mr. Moseby:
[reading a letter from London] "I can't take it anymore. No one understands me, no one cares about me. I'm going to a place where no one will ever find me! P.S. Please send my luggage to Daddy's villa on Parrot Island even though that's not where I'm going."

Moseby:
You know, the older I get the more I realize that you have to look adversity in the face and say 'You don't scare me.'

Zack and Cody:
Hey Mr. Moseby!

Moseby:
(scream)

Carey:
Moseby, you're shaking like a chihuahua.

Moseby:
Oh, it's the sea breeze.

Carey:
You probably shouldn't have left your pants in the drier for so long.

Moseby:
Oh, hello Carey. Boys.

Cody:
Did you miss us, Mr. Moseby?

Moseby:
Oh why, yes yes. Why, without you the last three months on this floating paradise have been sheer torture.

Zack:
Well, your sufferings over.

Moseby:
Huh?

Cody:
We're going to be attending Seven Seas High.

Moseby:
Huh?

London:
They said they're going to be attending Seven (holds up 7 fingers) Seas (makes a letter "C" with her hands) High (waves her hand)! (Turns toward Cody) He's gettin' old.

Carey:
Believe me it was not an easy decision, but it's such an opportunity and I can afford it with my employee discount, so how could I say no.

Moseby:
Like this. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (jumps over the side of the ship)

Carey:
Well he took that better than I thought.

Mr.Moseby:
[on cell phone] Yes, Captain, I want you to turn this ship around right away. We're missing a student. Well, here's why you should care: that student is London Tipton! [boat tips far to the side]

Bailey:
Look! Where did that little piggy come from?

Woody:
That's what the doctor said when he saw my extra toe.

Bailey:
[to the pig] Are you stuck? Here, I have something for you. You like nuts? [picking up a rope lying on the ground] Oh, this rope will work like a leash. There. Aw, he's so sweet. He reminds me of my--

Zack:
Breakfast?

Cody:
Football?

Bailey:
Y'all hush up! He reminds me of my pet pig from back on the farm. Sir Snorts-a-Lot and I were best friends. Then one day I woke up and he wasn't there any more. I got really worried. But Mama told me he moved to the big city.

Bus boy:
I swiped this card and the machine just laughed. Ha-ha. Seriously though, you've maxed out your card.

Cody:
You used up all the money on your card?

Zack:
No, I used up all the money on your card. I maxed out mine yesterday.

Bus boy:
Then this is yours. [cutting up the card] Is it a snowflake? Is it a butterfly? No.

Cody:
You took my card?

Zack:
Well, you left it lying around.

Cody:
It was in my wallet! Under my pillow, guarded by Mister Snuggle Bear.

Zack:
Well, he didn't put up much of a fight.

Cody:
Zack, that was all of the money we had for food for the entire semester!

Zack:
Well, why didn't you tell me that before I took your card? Cody, are you coming to give me a hug? [looks scared] Maybe not.

Zack:
Here's your four-berry glass. Boisen, rasp, blue and straw.

Ashton:
I only ordered three.

Zack:
Then I guess your "berry" lucky.

Ashton:
Then I guess you won't be getting a "berry" big tip.

Zack:
Which would make me "berry" sad. Your turn.

[Zack is making more juice.]

Ashton:
I know how hard it is to press a button, but this isn't a smoothie. It is a lumpy.

London:
Moseby and Tutweiller sitting in a tree. K-I-issing.

Tutweiller:
Has anyone ever heard of the International Dateline?

[Cody and Bailey raise their hands.]

Woody:
What you say to a French babe so she'll go out with you?

Bailey:
No. It's an imaginary line created in 1884, to the east of which the date is a day earlier than it is to the west.

Cody:
So when you cross the dateline you have to turn your clocks back 24 hours, a full day.

Tutweiller:
Correct. [claps] Yay! Which is what we are going to do tonight.

Zack:
That works for me. Because if tomorrow is going to be today again, then today is actually yesterday, which means that yesterday's homework isn't due today, it's really due... tomorrow!

Tutweiller:
In other words, you didn't do your homework?

Zack:
Yet.

Tutweiller:
London, can you tell me what this is?

London:
A bad manicure.

Tutweiller:
No. Though, ew. Okay. Has anyone heard of the International Dateline?

Cody:
Wait a second. What's going on here? We already learned about the International Dateline.

Tutweiller:
I'm sorry if you read ahead, Cody, but I have to teach to the lowest common denominator.

[Zack is balancing a pencil on his nose.]

Zack:
Whoa, whoa, we're doing Math now? I thought this was Geography.

Cody:
No. I mean, what happened to the dance?

Bailey:
You mean, the one we're having tonight?

Cody:
I'm having the strangest sense of déjà vu.

London:
Déjà who?

Cody:
Déjà vu. It's French for "I've seen this all before."

Zack:
Wait a second. This is French? I thought this was Math.

Bailey:
Goose darn it! Where are all the shrimp?

Cody:
Yes. Everything is going according to plan.

London:
Wow Cody! You're telepathetic!

Tutweiller:
London, can you tell me what this is?

Cody:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tutweiller:
You're probably right, Cody, but let's give her a chance anyway.

[London makes a face at Cody]

Mr. Moesby:
How's the speech going?

London:
Pretty good. Here it goes: "Ladies and..."

Mr. Moesby:
That's it?

London:
So far."

Mr. Moesby:
Well,you have to admit that it's some of her best work.

Miss Tutweiller:
[looks at London's speech] She misspelled "ladies."

Mr. Moesby:
I know."

Miss Tutweiller:
London, since when is there a q in "ladies"?

London:
It's a silent q! Duh!

Woody:
But she's smart and you're smart. That's stupid.

Chelsea:
London!

London:
Wow, you look just like my friend Chelsea! Same stringy hair, same ugly clothes, same bad nose job.

Chelsea:
I am Chelsea.

London:
Chelsea, you look fabulous!

'"['Italic text'].

'"London'":
What are you doing here?

'"Chelsea'":
Well I wanted to surprise my best friend. And get the real dirt.

'"London'":
On who?

'"Chelsea'":
On "you"

Cody:
Good morning, ladies. I'm using the one hour Moseby lets us be on deck for a little yoga.

London:
I prefer my yoga with fruit on the bottom.

London:
Well, we'll just have to change their answers so they match.

Zack:
No kidding. Miss Tutweiller is looking for a six foot guy.

London:
Well, that's a deal-breaker. Moseby's only got two feet.

Ms. Tuttwiler:
I don't get it. His name is Curly, but he doesn't have any hair.

Mr. Moesby:
That's the joke!

London:
Once, when I flunked Kindergarden, Daddy cut my allowance to one pony a week.

Zack:
[jokingly] Hey, Yogi, [points at Yogi] where's Boo Boo?

Yogi:
Wow. [sarcastically] First time I heard that one.

London:
Unpack what? She can't afford any luggage.

Bailey:
Why don't you guys just flip a coin?

London:
Who has a coin?

Maddie:
(holding a coin) I do.

Mr. Moseby:
Wonderful. Thank you Maddie.

Everyone:
Maddie! (they all greet Maddie)

Maddie:
London, so good to see you. And Mr. Moseby, rockin' the knee socks.

Mr. Moseby:
And I have a crest.

Maddie:
I see. And Cody, no sweater vest?

Cody:
Oh Maddie, that was the old Cody. You're looking at the new cool Cody. (hugs Maddie)

Maddie:
Ow.

Cody:
Oh sorry. That was my astronaut pen.

Maddie:
And you must be Bailey, London's roommate. Did she give you any space for your clothes?

Bailey:
I just got upgraded from a nail to a hook.

Maddie:
Nice.

Zack:
Hey sweet thing. How about some sugar?

Maddie:
Come here.

Zack:
(about to hug her but goes to the pool and throws up in there then comes back to prepares to hug Maddie)

Maddie:
I think I'll pass.

London:
Told you, she's poor! She sleeps on a raft!

Bailey:
London, they make very comfortable inflatable mattresses these days.

Maddie:
They do... But this happens to be a raft.

Maddie:
I can't believe I'm being forced to marriage at gunpoint!

Bailey:
More like cannon point!

Zack:
This Pizza in a Cone is amazing. It's like ice cream, with the nutritional value of pizza!

Cody:
I will not put that garbage in my body. Now let's go search through Gigi's dumpster. I want leftovers.

London:
Hey, I have the same sunglasses!

Bailey:
These are your sunglasses. [takes off her red wig and sunglasses] It's me, Bailey.

Olivia Cabot:
Who is Bailey?

Zack:
My brother's secret love. He loves her, but he keeps it a secret... from her!

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, Carey!

Carey:
Mr. Moseby, its so nice to see you. [Moseby gives her a long list]. I haven't checked in yet.

Mr. Moseby:
This is the list of all the things your boys broke.

Carey:
[reads the list] Zack, how do you break an anchor?

Zack:
In my defense, I was trying to impress a girl ....it worked.

Carey:
[to Kurt] You think its so funny? You pay for it.

Kurt:
[reads the list] How do you break a propeller?

Zack:
Easy, you drop an anchor on it.

London:
What do you do for a living?

Mr. Moseby:
[sarcastic] I'm a ventriloquist!

London:
Do you have a dummy?

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, yes I do.

London:
Favorite play?

Mr. Moseby:
Go away.

London:
Favorite movie?

Mr. Moseby:
Go away.

London:
Based on the play?

Mr. Moseby:
Please go away!

London:
Is that the sequel?

Mr. Moseby:
[screams]

London:
[taking notes] Screams like a girl.

London:
[taking notes] Favorite song.

Mr.Moseby:
[gasps] My heavens!

London:
Likes gospel music. Favorite animal.

Mr.Moseby:
Zack!

London:
A combination of a zebra and a yak.

London:
Cody, you're smart. I have a question about outer space.

Cody:
(pointing upward) It's up there.

Zack:
That's why I threw it at you.

Zack:
Are you practicing your kicking?

Zack:
The Jets have toenails? You're Training!

Mr. Moseby:
Phew! What is that smell?

Bailey:
Mulch.

Everybody:
Mulch?

Bailey:
Yes it's the thing I always liked. (sniffles the mulch) I think I'm gonna cry.

Cody:
Does it smell that bad?

Bailey:
No, it smells like home this is the first year to miss the corn festival

London:
Guess that explains why she likes home. (laughs)

Bailey:
Right at ya! this year I would have been winning for corn queen. (crying) I miss home!

Woody:
Hey maybe we can use this as a cape.

London:
Hey look it's sparkly!

London:
Help! Help! There's a tiny injured be-sparkled man on the lose!

Cody:
Nurse Frightengale said every time you call to check on the ship, it spikes your blood pressure.

Moseby:
So do you, but she let you in.

Cody:
Date?

Bailey:
Oh, yeah.

Cody:
Yes! My six month plan worked!

London:
What are you doing here?

Chelsea:
Well I wanted to surprise my best friend. And get the real dirt.

London:
On who?

Chelsea:
On you.

Woody:
Ick Ick Ick! Can't go in there. [Blocks door]

Bailey:
Why not? This is my cabin.

Woody:
Not at the moment. Right now it's a production studio. Show business.

Bailey:
What?

Woody:
London's doing a webisode of Yay Me! Star-ring Lon-don Tip-ton! So you can't go in.

Bailey:
But I have to get in there to do To-mor-row's Home-work! By Bail-ey Pick-ett!

Kurt:
So.. are you boys... Pardon me, are you men ready for a crazy guys weekend?

Zack and Cody:
Oh yeah!

Kurt:
Nothing but late nights, piles of junk food, hanging out by the pool scoping out the hot-

[Carey appears]

Zack and Cody:
Mom?!

Kurt:
Hot moms?

Carey:
Surprise!

Carey:
Oh, my back is killing me. Cheap Charlies started their own airlines. They cut fares by eliminating frivolous amenities like seats and bathrooms...

Kurt:
So why don't the boys and I go have some guy fun while you rest up?

Zack and Cody:
Yeah sweet!

Carey:
I get it. I crashed your guys' weekend.

Kurt, Zack and Cody:
No no.

Cody:
Not at all.

Zack:
Maybe a little.

Kurt:
Totally.

London:
Moseby, it's your birthday? Wait, you have a birthday?? Since when???

Mr. Moseby:
Pretty much since the day I was born. Hence the term birth-day.

London:
Oh, I never put that together. So, how old are you?

Mr. Moseby:
Now, age is but a number.

London:
I have a feeling I can't count that high.

Mr. Moseby:
Well that's just the cherry on top of the birthday cake I didn't get.

London:
Awww, who's a sad birthday boy. Don't worry Moseby, I'm going to get you the best present ever. What size pony do you ride?

Mr. Moseby:
I don't ride ponies.

London:
I know, they can be pretty scary.

London:
Happy Birthday Moseby. I hope you love it. I'm sorry I couldn't find any wrapping paper, so I wrapped it in hundred dollar bills.

Mr. Moseby:
I love it already.

Marissa:
This page is blank

Zack:
Exactly.

(Throwing the paper to Cody)

Cody:
Ever hear of recycling?

Zack:
That's why I threw it at you. Now sit back, relax, and let your mind go blank.

Zack:
Are you practicing your kicking?

Marissa:
No... Those are the jets.

Zack:
The jets have toenails? You're training!

Bailey:
Cody, this is going to be the best date ever.

Cody:
Date?

Bailey:
Oh, yeah. [kisses Cody]

Cody:
Excuse me, a second. [walks to the balcony] Yes! My six month plan worked!

Woody:
Either I need a softer coconut or a harder straw.

Cody:
Something tells me that the coconut hit you on the head.