The West Wing, Season One

Flight Attendant:
Sir, I'm going to have to ask that you turn off your cellular phone.

Toby:
We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011. Came off the line twenty months ago. Carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system. And you're telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?

C.J.:
Is there anything I can say other than "The President rode his bicycle into a tree?"

Leo:
He hopes never to do it again.

C.J.:
Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.

Leo:
He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J. What do you want me to - "The president, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop." What do you want from me?

C.J.:
A little love, Leo.

Leo:
[on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...

C.J.:
Leo.

Leo:
They hang up on me every time.

C.J:
That's almost hard to believe.

Sam:
Ms. O'Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?

Mallory:
That would be me.

Sam:
You.

Mallory:
Yes.

Sam:
Leo's daughter's fourth-grade class.

Mallory:
Yes.

Sam:
Well, this is bad on so many levels.

Van Dyke:
If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech?

Bartlet:
[entering] No.

Van Dyke:
Really?

Bartlet:
On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography.

C.J.:
Why don't we all sit down?

Bartlet:
No. Let's not, C.J. These people won't be staying that long. May I have some coffee, Mr. Lewis? Al, how many times have I asked you to denounce the practices of a fringe group that calls itself The Lambs of God?

Caldwell:
Sir, it's not up to me to-

Bartlet:
Crap. It is up to you, Al. You know, my wife, Abbey, she never wants me to do anything while I'm upset. [a staffer hands him coffee] Thank you, Mr. Lewis. Twenty-eight years ago, I come home from a very bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey I'm going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon and put it in reverse, and pull out of the garage full speed. [Leo and Sam appear in the doorway and quietly enter into the room.] Except I forgot to open the garage door. Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I've ever been in my life. It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the teen magazines. And somewhere between movie stars and makeup tips, she talked about her feelings on a woman's right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious, but she's got a good head on her shoulders and I like it when she uses it. So I couldn't understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth, what's wrong?" She said, "It's Annie." Now, I love my family and I've read my Bible from cover to cover. So I want you to tell me from what part of the Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent my 12 year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat? [pause] You'll denounce these people, Al. You'll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. C.J., show these people out.

Mary Marsh:
I believe we can find the door.

Bartlet:
Find it now.

Lloyd Russell:
[referring to his Presidential run, speaking to Mandy, who just drove her car onto a curb] It wasn't going to happen.

Mandy:
You know what the worst part about this is?

Lloyd Russell:
Well, I think you dinged up your suspension pretty good.

Mandy:
No, Lloyd, it's the party they're having, right now, in the West Wing, at my expense.

Lloyd Russell:
They're not having a party in the West Wing.

Mandy:
I've worked with these people for two and a half years. They like to win and they like to gloat.

Lloyd Russell:
I'm sure you're wrong.

Mandy:
I'm sure I'm not.

Lloyd Russell:
There are very serious people working at the White House. A blow is struck for party unity today, there's no cause to gloat.

[cut to the White House]

Josh:
Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine.

Donna:
Morning Josh.

Josh:
I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.

Donna:
It's going to be an unbearable day.

Toby:
Mrs. Landingham, does the President have free time this morning?

Mrs. Landingham:
The President has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?

Toby:
Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.

Mrs. Landingham:
What age would that be, Toby?

Toby:
...Late twenties?

Mrs. Landingham:
Atta boy.

Toby:
Can I have a cookie?

Mrs. Landingham:
No.

[Sam walks in]

Mrs. Landingham:
Good morning, Sam.

Sam:
Good morning.

Mrs. Landingham:
Have a cookie, Sam.

C.J.:
Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.

Bartlet:
I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?

C.J.:
No.

Bartlet:
Me neither.

C.J.:
It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.

Bartlet:
I know.

Toby:
We're talking about Texas, sir.

Bartlet:
I know.

C.J.:
USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.

Sam:
It was big hats.

C.J.:
What difference does it make?

Bartlet:
It makes a difference.

C.J.:
The point is we got whomped in Texas.

Josh:
We got whomped in Texas twice.

C.J.:
We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.

Bartlet:
I think I was there.

C.J.:
And it was avoidable. Sir.

Bartlet:
C.J., on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'

CJ:
Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

Bartlet:
Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?

Josh:
Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.

Bartlet:
Thank you. Next? Leo.

Leo:
'After it, therefore because of it'.

Bartlet:
'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?

C.J.:
When you learned to speak Latin?

Bartlet:
Go figure.

Bartlet:
I don't need a flu shot.

Morris:
You do need a flu shot.

Bartlet:
How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup?

Morris:
Sir?

Bartlet:
I want the Secret Service in here right away.

Morris:
In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is gonna be on your side?

Bartlet:
Now that's a thought that's gonna fester.

Sam:
About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.

Toby:
Really?

Sam:
Yes.

Toby:
You accidentally slept with a prostitute.

Sam:
Call girl.

Toby:
Accidentally.

Sam:
Yes.

Toby:
I don't understand. Did you trip over something?

Josh:
A couple of things for you to bear in mind. First of all, he didn't know she was a call girl when he slept with her. He didn't pay her. He didn't participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter, unethical, amoral, or suspect.

C.J.:
Okay. A couple things for you to bear in mind. None of that matters on Hard Copy!

Josh:
You're overreacting.

C.J.:
Am I?

Josh:
Yes.

C.J.:
As women are prone to do.

Josh:
That's not what I meant.

C.J.:
That's always what you mean.

Josh:
You know what, C.J., I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! ...whoa, that was way too far.

C.J.:
No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist Harvard fascist missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!

Josh:
Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?

C.J.:
I'm a whole new woman.

Josh:
You look like a million bucks, by the way.

C.J.:
Don't try to make up with me.

Sam:
[reading a newspaper article, quoting a congressman] "Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive."

Toby:
He said that? Sitting there with military officers?

Josh:
Don't take the bait.

Toby:
Josh.

Josh:
Don't take the bait!

Toby:
You'd better believe I'm going to take the bait.

Leo:
There ought to be a law against it.

Josh:
Why'd you get him started?

[Leo shrugs]

Toby:
There is a law against it! How about threatening the life of the President? He was talking to other people: how about conspiracy? They were military officers, how about treason? That was a member of our own party, Leo. That was a Democrat who said that!

Leo:
It's bad, I know.

Toby:
That's it?

Leo:
What are you going to do?

Toby:
Have the Justice Department bring him in pending felony charges.

Josh:
Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?

Toby:
We're really not gonna do anything about this?

Leo:
Yeah, cause what we really need to do is arrest people for being mean to the President.

Toby:
There is no law. There is no decency.

Josh:
He's just getting that now.

Bartlet:
What's the virtue of the proportional response?

Admiral Fitzwallace:
I'm sorry?

Bartlet:
What is the virtue of a proportional response? Why's it good? They hit an airplane, so we hit a transmitter, right? That's a proportional response.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
Sir, in the case of Pericles 1 --

Bartlet:
[talking over him] They hit a barracks, so we hit two transmitters.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
That's roughly it, yes, sir.

Bartlet:
This is what we do. I mean, this is what we do.

Leo:
Yes, sir, it's what we do. It's what we've always done.

Bartlet:
Well, if it's what we do, if it's what we've always done, don't they know we're going to do it?

Leo:
Sir, if you'd turn your attention to Pericles 1 --

Bartlet:
I have turned my attention to Pericles 1. It's two ammo dumps, an abandoned railroad bridge and a Syrian intelligence agency.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
Those are four highly-rated targets, sir.

Bartlet:
But they know we're gonna do that. They know we're gonna do that! Those areas have been abandoned for three days now. We know that from the satellite, right? We have the intelligence. [over Leo's attempt to speak up] They did that, so we did this. It's the cost of doing business. It's been factored in, right?

Leo:
Mr. President --

Bartlet:
Am I right, or am I missing something here?

Admiral Fitzwallace:
No, sir. You're right, sir.

Bartlet:
Then I ask again, what is the virtue of a proportional response?

Admiral Fitzwallace:
It isn't virtuous, Mr. President. It's all there is, sir.

Bartlet:
It is not all there is.

Leo:
Sir, Admiral Fitzwallace --

Admiral Fitzwallace:
Excuse me, Leo...pardon me, Mr. President, just what else is there?

Bartlet:
The disproportional response. Let the word ring forth, from this time and this place, gentlemen, you kill an American, any American, we don't come back with a proportional response. We come back with total disaster! [He bangs the table]

General:
Are you suggesting that we carpet-bomb Damascus?

Bartlet:
I am suggesting, General, that you, and Admiral Fitzwallace, and Secretary Hutchinson, and the rest of the National Security Team take the next sixty minutes and put together an American response scenario that doesn't make me think we're just docking somebody's damn allowance!

Bartlet:
Did you know that two thousand years ago a Roman citizen could walk across the face of the known world free of the fear of molestation? He could walk across the Earth unharmed, cloaked only in the protection of the words civis Romanus -- I am a Roman citizen. So great was the retribution of Rome, universally understood as certain, should any harm befall even one of its citizens. Where was Morris's protection, or anybody else on that airplane? Where was the retribution for the families, and where is the warning to the rest of the world that Americans shall walk this Earth unharmed, lest the clenched fist of the most mighty military force in the history of mankind comes crashing down on your house?! In other words, Leo, what the hell are we doing here?!

Leo:
We are behaving the way a superpower ought to behave.

Bartlet:
Well our behavior has produced some crappy results; in fact I'm not a hundred per cent sure it hasn't induced it.

Leo:
What are you talking about?

Bartlet:
I'm talking about two hundred and eighty-six American marines in Beirut, I'm talking about Somalia, I'm talking about Nairobi-

Leo:
And you think ratcheting up the body count's gonna act as a deterrent?

Bartlet:
You're damn right I-

Leo:
Oh, then you are just as stupid as these guys who think capital punishment is going to be a deterrent for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne! But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you better start with me, because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you!

Bartlet:
He had a ten-day old baby at home.

Leo:
I know.

Bartlet:
We are doing nothing.

Leo:
We are not doing nothing.

Bartlet:
We're destroying-

Leo:
Four high-rated military targets!

Bartlet:
And this is good?

Leo:
Of course it's not good. There is no good. It's what there is! It's how you behave if you're the most powerful nation in the world. It's proportional, it's reasonable, it's responsible, it's merciful! It's not nothing. Four high-rated military targets.

Bartlet:
Which they'll rebuild again in six months.

Leo:
Then we'll blow 'em up again in six months! We're getting really good at it... It's what our fathers taught us.

Bartlet:
Why didn't you say so? Oh, Leo...when I think of all the work you put in to get me to run and all the work you did to get me elected...I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat.

Josh:
I have to tell you, he's ordinarily an extremely kind man, placing a very high premium on civility. Today...it's just been a very difficult few days for him.

Charlie:
I think I should probably go.

[Bartlet comes in]

Bartlet:
Excuse me, Charlie? Can I see you inside, please? Come on, it's okay.

[Charlie walks toward him hesitantly and Bartlet sticks out his hand]

Bartlet:
I'm Jed Bartlet.

Charlie:
I'm Charles Young, sir.

Bartlet:
But you prefer Charlie, right? Listen, Leo McGarry filled me in on the situation with your mother. I'm so very sorry. I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of calling Tom Connolly, the FBI Director, and we had the computer spit out some quick information. Your mother was killed by a Western .38 revolver firing KTWs, or what are known as cop-killer bullets. Now, we have not had a whole lot of success yet in banning that weapon and those bullets off the streets, but we're planning on taking a big whack at it when Congress comes back from recess. So, what do you say? You want to come help us out?

Charlie:
[smiling] Yes, sir, I do.

Bartlet:
Thank you, Charlie. [shakes his hand]

...

Charlie:
I've never felt like this before.

Josh:
It doesn't go away.

Josh:
Forgive my bluntness, and I say this with all due respect, Congressman, but vote yes, or you're not even going to be on the ballot two years from now.

Katzenmoyer:
How do you figure?

Josh:
You're going to lose in the primary.

Katzenmoyer:
There's no Democrat running against me.

Josh:
Sure there is.

Katzenmoyer:
Who?

Josh:
Whomever we pick.

Katzenmoyer:
You're bluffing.

Josh:
Okay.

Katzenmoyer:
I'm in your own party!

Josh:
Doesn't seem to be doing us much good now, does it?

Katzenmoyer:
Against an incumbent Democrat. You'll go to the press and endorse a challenger?

Josh:
No sir. We're going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it's high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We're going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it's gonna be great. And when the watermelon's done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo... You guys got a band gazebo?

Katzenmoyer:
Josh...

Josh:
Doesn't matter, we'll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that's where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. 'Cause that's gonna be the moment you're finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet's a good man. He's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for.

Bartlet:
[on pain medication] What's going on here?

Sam:
Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure.

Bartlet:
Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved.

C.J.:
Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills?

Bartlet:
I don't mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there.

Leo:
Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet?

Bartlet:
I wasn't supposed to take 'em both?

C.J.:
Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed.

Bartlet:
No no no. Sit sit sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. [to Sam] So, tell me what the problem is, Toby.

Sam:
I'm Sam, sir.

Bartlet:
Sam, of course you are.

Toby:
Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on Internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof.

Bartlet:
Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?

Toby:
Can we possibly do this meeting at another time?

Bartlet:
No no no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know, but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. [beat] Was I just saying something?

Leo:
There's two things in the world you never want to let people see how you make 'em: laws and sausages.

Reporter:
I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased $750,000. What's that due to?

C.J.:
Secret Service improvements.

Reporter:
Can you go into detail, please?

C.J.:
The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch.

Josh:
You know, I realize that as an adult not everyone shares my view of the world, and with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid, but we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right?

Leo:
Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.

Toby:
Huh.

Leo:
I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

Toby:
Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?

Leo:
We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.

Sam Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.

Leo:
And Sam goes on my list!

Sam:
What about Toby?

Leo:
I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

Mandy:
And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

Leo:
It is in that spirit...

Sam:
Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?

Leo:
Mandy's new.

Sam:
So it's just me... on the list?

Leo:
Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants.

Josh:
[walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again?

Leo:
Yes, it is.

Sam:
And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.

Bartlet:
It was not a space ship from another planet, just another time -- a long since abandoned Soviet satellite. One of its booster rockets didn't fire and it couldn't escape Earth's orbit. A sad reminder of the time when two powerful nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us go farther and work harder? You know that when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century? Surely we can do it again, as we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers we touched the face of God.

Toby:
It's not so much that you cheat sir, its how brazenly bad you are at it.

Bartlet:
Give me an example.

Toby:
In Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.

Bartlet:
She did.

Toby:
It was Steffi Graf, sir!

Bartlet:
I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.

Toby:
You crazy lunatic, you think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?

Bartlet:
Hey, everybody, listen up - Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!

[Everyone looks horrified]

Josh:
Oh God...

Various:
[With a noticeable lack of enthusiasm] Great! Great!

Bartlet:
[Put out] Okay, you know what? Let's do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet. [Everyone looks down at the Presidential seal] Now look back up at me. [They do so] Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!

Everyone:
[With more convincing forced enthusiasm] That's great! I love chili! Terrific!

Bartlet:
There! You see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do?

[Josh is in his office, with Schubert's "Ave Maria" playing on his boombox]

Josh:
C.J., an N.S.C. staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I'm supposed to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down in a bunker. They don't want you... or Sam, or Toby, for that matter. I didn't want to be friends with you and have you not know.

C.J.:
[surprised] Josh, have you been upset about this?

Josh:
Yes.

C.J.:
You're very sweet sometimes. You really are.

Josh:
C.J...

C.J.:
Of course they don't want me, Josh! I'm a press secretary. I don't think they're going to be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are communications and my guess is that speech writing won't be a priority either. Come, have some fun. [starts to leave]

Josh:
[points at his boombox] This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this?

C.J.:
...I'm Catholic.

Josh:
Hang on. Listen. Listen. [turns up his boombox at the words "O Jungfrau, sieh der Jungfrau Sorgen"] There, right there. It's... miraculous. [beat] Schubert was crazy, you know.

C.J.:
[nods] Yes.

Josh:
Do you think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?

C.J.:
Josh, the Cold War is over. There's not going to be a nuclear-

Josh:
God, C.J. It's not going to be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and nuclear bombs.

C.J.:
What's it going to be?

Josh:
It's going to be this! It's going to be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for fifty years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get it, you carry a ten foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100 people in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist in the country? Seven! If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a global medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's how it's gonna be, a little test tube with a... a rubber cap that's deteriorating... a guy steps out of Times Square station, [imitates a smashing noise]. smashes it on the sidewalk... there is a world war right there.

C.J.:
We'll make more vaccine.

Josh:
You better hurry, 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards.

Sam:
C.J., we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.

C.J.:
Yeah. Yeah.

Sam:
Well... I don't understand. How could you-

C.J.:
I've been faking it.

Sam:
You've been faking it?

C.J.:
I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important.

Sam:
Ah-hah.

C.J.:
And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying.

Sam:
When?

C.J.:
When what?

Sam:
When did you come to this realization?

C.J.:
About an hour ago.

Sam:
Okay. Let's... I tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all.

C.J.:
That's what I say.

Josh:
Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.

Sam:
Sounds good.

C.J.:
I like beer.

Josh:
If you want to come I guess that'd be okay.

C.J.:
Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet.

[Josh and Sam have joined Charlie in confronting the guys who are hassling Zoe]

Josh:
[Pressing Zoe's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.

Guy 1:
[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?

[The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]

Agent:
Federal Agents!

[Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]

Sam and Josh:
Right here!

[The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoe and guides her out protectively]

Agent:
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.

Guy 1:
[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you Sammy.

Charlie:
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a Federal Prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.

Bartlet:
The Secret Service...

Zoey:
The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot!

Bartlet:
They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot! But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going and it's a half hour before someone says, "Hey, where's Zoey?" Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports! And now we're off to the races! You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone, pleading with Binyamin and he's saying "I'm sorry Mr President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period! It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander-in-chief but has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?!

[In response to Josh's earlier speech to Donna about why the government does not issue refund checks for each person's portion of the budget surplus.]

Josh:
Donna? How much were the sandwiches?

Donna:
$12.95

Josh:
I gave you a twenty.

Donna:
Yes, as it turns out, actually, you gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you, as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you.

Josh:
That was nice. That was a little parable.

Donna:
I want my money back.

Donna:
I'm not wild about this whole Indonesian thing.

Josh:
What's the problem?

Donna:
I've been doing some reading on my own.

Josh:
I wish you wouldn't do that.

Donna:
Why?

Josh:
Because you tend to cull some bizarre factoid from a less than reputable source and then you blow it all out of proportion.

Donna:
I do not.

Josh:
Donna...

Donna:
I just thought you might like to know that in certain parts of Indonesia, they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers.

Josh:
What?

Donna:
I read it.

Josh:
They... summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers?

Donna:
They behead them.

Josh:
Sorcerers.

Donna:
Gangs of roving people. Beheading those they suspect of being sorcerers. You know with... what's that thing that Death carries?

Josh:
A scythe.

Donna:
They're doing it with a scythe.

Josh:
Well, thanks for the head's up.

Donna:
I thought you might like to know who's coming over for dinner.

Josh:
You bet.

Harry:
Mr. President?

C.J.:
No questions right now, Harry.

Harry:
A short one.

Bartlet:
She's not worried about the length of your question, she's worried about the length of my response.

Mandy:
It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes.

Josh:
Yes, but you shouldn't take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn't me.

Mandy:
What about a negotiator?

Military officer:
Negotiate what?

Mandy:
A peaceful settlement.

Josh:
This is a standoff with federal officers. A peaceful settlement is "put your guns down, you're under arrest."

Mandy:
I think it would be wise if we demonstrated that we exhausted every possible peaceful solution before we got all Ramboed up.

Josh:
I don't think it's unreasonably macho for the White House to be aggressive in preserving democracy.

Mandy:
Let me tell you something. Ultimately, it is not the nuts that are the greatest threat to democracy, as history has shown us over and over and over again, the greatest threat to democracy is the unbridled power of the state over its citizens. Which, by the way, that power is always unleashed in the name of preservation.

Josh:
This isn't abstract, Mandy. This isn't a theoretical problem. The FBI says come out with your hands up, you come out with your hands up. At which point, you're free to avail yourself of the entire justice system.

Mandy:
Do you really believe that? Or are you just pissed off because I got into the game?

Bartlet:
Time's up.

Little:
Actually, if I may, Mr. President. I didn't get my full five minutes.

Bartlet:
Yes, I know. But I got tired of listening to you. Now you listen to me. I have a Nobel Prize in Economics and I'm here to tell you that none of you know what the hell you're talking about. At 12:01 am, I'm using my executive power to nationalize the trucking industry.

Little:
You can't do that, Mr. President...

Bartlet:
Fourteen White House lawyers disagree. Truman did it in '52 with the coal mines.

Little:
And it was struck down by the Supreme Court.

Bartlet:
In 50 years. There's a new bench and I'll take my chances. As for Labor, I am calling Congress into Emergency Session to grant me the authority to draft the truckers into military service. [Russo and the Truckers Union delegates look dumbfounded] You're going to love our food. Nice talking to you folks. If this isn't settled in 47 minutes, don't worry. We know where to find you.

Bartlet:
We should organize a staff field-trip to Shenandoah. I could even act as the guide. What do you think?

Josh:
[Under his breath] Good a place as any to dump your body.

Bartlet:
What was that?

Josh:
... Did I say that out loud?

Bartlet:
See, and I was gonna let you go home.

Josh:
[Sinking feeling] ... But instead?

Bartlet:
We're gonna talk about Yosemite.

Toby:
All right... It couldn't have gone far, right?

Sam:
No.

Toby:
Somewhere in this building... is our talent.

Sam:
Yes.

Bartlet:
I find these Cabinet meetings to be a fairly mind-numbing experience, but Leo assures me they are Constitutionally required.

Sam:
You're asking me out on a date.

Mallory:
No, I'm asking you to accompany me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture.

Sam:
Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date?

Mallory:
There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening.

Sam:
Right.

Mallory:
So what do you say?

Sam:
Well, like most people I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won't be sex, I don't see how I could say no.

Hoynes:
What did I do? Where in our past, what did I do to make you treat me this way?

Bartlet:
John...

Hoynes:
What did I ever do except deliver the South?

Bartlet:
You shouldn't have made me beg, John. I was asking you to be Vice President.

Hoynes:
Due respect, Mr President, you had just kicked my ass in the primary. I'm 15 years younger than you are and I have my career to think of.

Bartlet:
Then don't stand there and ask the question, John. It weakened me right out of the gate. You shouldn't have made me beg.

Sam:
In 1787, there was a sizable block of delegates who were initially opposed to the Bill of Rights. This is what a member of the Georgia delegation had to say by way of opposition; 'If we list a set of rights, some fools in the future are going to claim that people are entitled only to those rights enumerated and no others.' So the Framers knew-

Harrison:
Were you just calling me a fool, Mr. Seaborn?

Sam:
I wasn't calling you a fool, sir. The brand new state of Georgia was.

Sam:
It's not just about abortion, it's about the next 20 years. Twenties and Thirties it was the role of government, Fifties and Sixties it was civil rights. The next two decades it's gonna be privacy. I'm talking about the Internet. I'm talking about cell phones. I'm talking about health records and who's gay and who's not. And moreover, in a country born on the will to be free, what could be more fundamental than this?

C.J.:
What are you holding?

Danny:
It's a goldfish.

C.J.:
Why?

Danny:
It's for you.

C.J.:
Really?

Danny:
Josh said you like goldfish.

C.J.:
[laughing] The crackers, Danny, the cheese things that you have at a party.

Danny:
Oh… Ah… You know what, I'm not a hundred percent sure I was supposed to know that.

C.J.:
The crackers, Danny.

Danny:
Well, fine, now I got a goldfish.

C.J.:
[still laughing] Give it to me.

Danny:
No, no, no.

C.J.:
No, you'll kill it.

Danny:
You think I can't take care of a goldfish?

C.J.:
I absolutely do not.

Danny:
Her name's Gail, by the way.

C.J.:
The fish?

Danny:
Yeah.

C.J.:
You named it Gail?

Danny:
No, the guy in the store.

C.J.:
[more laughing] Come here. [Gives Danny a kiss on the cheek] Thanks for the fish.

Bartlet:
Did you have a drink yesterday?

Leo:
No, sir.

Bartlet:
Do you plan to have a drink today?

Leo:
No, sir.

Bartlet:
That's all you ever have to say to me.

Bartlet:
Would it surprise you to know that for the last few months you have been on a short list of candidates for the bench?

Mendoza:
Yes, it would.

Bartlet:
Well then this is gonna knock your socks off. Tomorrow evening at 5 o'clock, I am naming you as my nominee to be the next Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court. You were not the first choice, but you are the last one, and the right one. Will you accept the nomination?

Mendoza:
With honor.

Leo:
One in three?

C.J.:
Yes.

Leo:
He said one in three White House staffers are on drugs?

C.J.:
Yes.

Leo:
Where does he get these stats?

C.J.:
Leo-

Leo:
I mean where does he pull them from?

C.J.:
Out of the clear blue sky, but that doesn't matter!

Leo:
[to Margaret] Is someone bringing me a tape on this?

Mandy:
This isn't happening to me.

Leo:
Nothing's happened, stay cool.

Sam:
[walks in] Is it possible for Peter Lillianfield to be a bigger jackass? You think if he tried hard, there's room for him to be a slightly bigger horse's ass than he's being right now?

C.J.:
At some point you hit your head on the ceiling, don't you?

Sam:
I think there's unexplored potential.

Josh:
[enters] 'Sup.

Mandy:
Josh.

Josh:
Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now that it's time to share.

Josh:
I was interrogating this intern from the legislative liaison's office and she broke down crying while telling me about a bong she had made out of an eggplant.

Leo:
You can do that?

Josh:
I used to use a potato.

Leo:
You've always been industrious.

Bartlet:
Apparently, I've arranged for an honor guard for somebody.

Toby:
Yes, sir. I'm sorry.

Bartlet:
No no. Just tell me, is there anything else I've arranged for? We're still in NATO right?

Toby:
Yes, sir.

Bartlet:
What's going on?

Toby:
A homeless man died last night; a Korean War veteran, who was wearing a coat that I gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it.

Bartlet:
Toby, you're not responsible for …

Toby:
An hour and twenty minutes for the ambulance to get there. A Lance Corporal, United States Marine Corps, Second of the Seventh. The guy got better treatment at Panmunjom.

Bartlet:
Toby, if we start pulling strings like this, you don't think every homeless veteran would come out of the wood works?

Toby:
I can only hope, sir.

Laurie:
[to Sam] I can't believe you. What, did you get this out of a book?

Josh:
It was my idea.

Laurie:
Oh! What are you, the brains of the outfit?

Josh:
Yeah, I am. And I got to tell you, I could care less about your indignation right now. A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now if our tactics seem less than civilized it's because so are our attackers. In any event, I don't feel like standing here taking a civics lesson from a hooker.

Leo:
[Signing Christmas cards] Who the hell is this guy and why would I care if he has a merry Christmas?

Margaret:
Just sign the damn thing.

Josh:
An hour with you in a rare book store. Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington Monument instead?

Bartlet:
It's Christmas, Josh! No reason we can't do both.

Josh:
Here's one.

Mandy:
One what?

Josh:
A book which if I was stuck with it on a desert island I still wouldn't read it. "The Adventures of James C. Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California." I believe I would eat this book before I read it.

Charlie:
Mr. President?

Bartlet:
I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.

Charlie:
Yes, sir.

Bartlet:
And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.

Charlie:
Yes, sir.

Josh:
It's what I do now; I'm a professional hostile witness.

Mrs. Landingham:
How are you, Josh?

Josh:
I've been subpoenaed.

Mrs. Landingham:
Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?

Leo:
[on Marbury] You're really gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?

Bartlet:
We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink.

Bartlet:
Thank you for coming. How was your flight?

Marbury:
Intoxicating.

Leo:
So I see.

Marbury:
[to Leo] Allow me to present myself...Lord John Marbury, I was summoned by your President.

Leo:
Yes. We've met, 10 or 12 times. I'm Leo McGarry.

Marbury:
I thought you were the butler.

Leo:
No, I'm the White House Chief of Staff.

Marbury:
Nonetheless, would you have something with which to light my cigarette?

Leo:
No, I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in this part of the world.

Marbury:
Really? In this part over here we encourage it!

Bartlet:
I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?

Bartlet:
We meant 'stronger' here, right?

Sam:
What does it say?

Bartlet:
I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?

Sam:
That's a typo.

Bartlet:
Could go either way.

Donna:
So if the Capitol building blows up, the man my country will be looking to is the Secretary of Agriculture?

Josh:
It's my country too.

Donna:
Yeah, but you'll be dead.

Josh:
Which is why I really don't care that much.

Donna:
Josh-

Josh:
[Cutting Donna off] Donna, I really don't anticipate the Capitol building exploding.

Donna:
What percentage of things exploding have been anticipated?

Josh:
Now you're bringing me down.

Donna:
I would think so.

Bartlet:
What's on your mind?

Toby:
The era of big government is over.

Bartlet:
You want to cut the line?

Toby:
I want to change the sentiment. [pause] We're running away from ourselves and I know we can score points that way, I was a principal architect of that campaign strategy right along with you, Josh. But we're here now, tomorrow night we do an immense thing; we have to say what we feel, that government, no matter what its failures in the past and in times to come for that matter, government can be a place where people come together and where no one gets left behind. No one...gets left behind. An instrument of good.

[with the Secretary of Agriculture, Roger Tribbey, the cabinet member staying behind during a State of the Union address]

Bartlet:
Oh, Roger. If anything happened, you know what to do, right?

Roger Tribbey:
I honestly hadn't thought about it, sir.

Bartlet:
First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint Joint Chiefs, appoint a chairman. Take us to DEFCON 4. Have the governors send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant Attorney General is going to be the Acting A.G. If he tells you he wants to bring out the National Guard, do what he tells you. [pause] You got a best friend?

Roger Tribbey:
Yes, sir.

Bartlet:
Is he smarter than you?

Roger Tribbey:
[chuckles] Yes, sir.

Bartlet:
Would you trust him with your life?

Roger Tribbey:
Yes, sir.

Bartlet:
That's your chief of staff.

C.J.:
Carol, dotting the Is crossing the Ts, thank you for that.

Carol:
We do our homework.

C.J.:
You misspelled senator.

Josh:
We've got a bit of a sticky wicket.

C.J.:
Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight.

Josh:
I need you to read a report.

C.J.:
I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman.

Josh:
There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.

C.J.:
What is it?

Josh:
We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes....

C.J.:
Abstinence only?

Josh:
Yes.

C.J.:
I would have no trouble passing such a class.

Josh:
We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it.

C.J.:
What's it say?

Josh:
It's not good.

C.J.:
How's it not good?

Josh:
It says basically that teaching 'abstinence only' doesn't work-that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not.

C.J.:
Well, what are they recommending?

Josh:
Something called "abstinence plus".

C.J.:
Abstinence plus?

Josh:
Yes.

C.J.:
What's that mean?

Josh:
Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'.

C.J.:
Everything but?

Josh:
Yes.

C.J.:
Ah.

Josh:
Yes.

C.J.:
They want teachers to teach...

Josh:
Yes.

C.J.:
And so the sticky wicket joke was..?

Josh:
A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?

C.J.:
Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight.

Josh:
By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.

C.J.:
Get me a salad.

Mr. Lydell:
The hate crimes bill is fine. Who gives a damn? It's fine, I don't care. If you ask me, we shouldn't be making laws against what's in a person head but I don't give a damn, it's fine. I don't understand how this president, who I voted for, I don't understand how he can take such a completely weak ass position on gay rights. Gays in the military, same sex marriage, gay adoption, boards of education. Where the hell is he? I want to know what quality necessary to being a parent the president feels my son lacked. I want to know from this president who has served not one day in uniform - I had two terms in Vietnam - I want to know what quality necessary to being a soldier this president feels my son lacked. Lady I'm not embarrassed that my son is gay, my government is.

Toby:
We're gonna see to all those things. In the meantime, at a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV this administration is gonna protect the Muppets, we're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live From Lincoln Center and by God, we are going to protect Julia Child.

Bartlet:
Mrs. Landingham.

Mrs. Landingham:
Yes sir?

Bartlet:
You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana.

Mrs. Landingham:
I'm afraid not sir, no.

Bartlet:
Why not?

Mrs. Landingham:
You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy.

Bartlet:
I wasn't snippy!

Mrs. Landingham:
I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looks toward the oval office] C.J.'s waiting, sir.

Bartlet:
Thank you, Mrs. Landingham. [To C.J. as he enters the Oval Office] She withholds food from me.

Sam:
The U.S. is one of five countries on earth that puts to death people who're under the age of 18 when they committed a crime.

Charlie:
Nigeria.

Sam:
Pakistan.

Charlie:
Saudi Arabia and Iran?

Sam:
Yeah. So, that's a list we definitely want to be on.

Josh:
I can hold my liquor.

Donna:
No, you can't.

Josh:
I can drink with the best of 'em, Donna.

Donna:
You can't drink with any of 'em, Josh.

Josh:
I'm a politician, okay? I can drink.

Donna:
You have a very sensitive system.

Josh:
I wish you'd stop telling people that. It makes me sound like an idiot.

Donna:
You're gonna have two drinks and spend the rest of the weekend sleeping it off.

Toby:
The Torah doesn't prohibit capital punishment.

Rabbi Glassman:
No.

Toby:
It says, 'An eye for an eye'.

Rabbi Glassman:
You know what it also says? It says a rebellious child can be brought to the city gates and stoned to death. It says homosexuality is an abomination and punishable by death. It says men can be polygamous and slavery is acceptable. For all I know, that thinking reflected the best wisdom of its time, but it's just plain wrong by any modern standard. Society has a right to protect itself, but it doesn't have a right to be vengeful. It has a right to punish, but it doesn't have a right to kill.

Rabbi Glassman:
Say what you will about the Catholic Church, but their position on life is unimpeachable: no abortion, no death penalty.

Toby:
I spent yesterday...

Rabbi Glassman:
You spent yesterday hoping the President wouldn't call the Pope.

Toby:
You're damn right I did.

Rabbi Glassman:
If he had done it, after doing so, the fear of every non-Catholic who voted for him would be realized.

Toby:
Congratulations Rabbi Glassman, you may now join the White House communications staff!

Bartlet:
I want you to know that I had a number of people on my staff search for a reason the public would find palatable to commute the sentence. Technicality. Any evidence of racism.

Father Cavanaugh:
So your staff spent the weekend looking for a way out.

Bartlet:
Yeah.

Father Cavanaugh:
Like the kid in right field who doesn't want the ball to get hit to him.

Bartlet:
I'm the leader of a democracy, Tom. 71% of the people support capital punishment. The people have spoken. The courts have spoken.

Father Cavanaugh:
Did you call the Pope?

Bartlet:
Yeah.

Father Cavanaugh:
And how do you do that?

Bartlet:
Oh, for crying out loud, Tom. I open my mouth and say, "Somebody get me the Pope."

Father Cavanaugh:
[raising a finger to emphasize his point] Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. President, but I was thinking... [pause] You're just this kid from my parish, and now you're calling the Pope.

Bartlet:
Anyway...I looked for a way out, I really did.

Father Cavanaugh:
"Vengeance is mine," sayeth the Lord. You know what that means? God is the only one who gets to kill people.

Bartlet:
I know.

Father Cavanaugh:
That was your way out.

Bartlet:
I know.

Father Cavanaugh:
Did you pray?

Bartlet:
I did, Tom. I know it's hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom.

Father Cavanaugh:
And none came?

Bartlet:
It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that. [glances at his watch as it hits midnight] I'm not kidding.

Father Cavanaugh:
You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, "I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me."

The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, "Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety." But the man shouted back, "I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me."

A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, "Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I'll take you to safety." But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety.

Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. "Lord," he said, "I'm a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?" God said, "I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?" [pause] He sent you a priest, a rabbi, and a Quaker, Mr. President. Not to mention his son, Jesus Christ. What do you want from him?

C.J.:
[knocks on Josh's door] Josh...

Josh:
[looks up] What the hell happened?

C.J.:
I had woot canal.

Josh:
What happened to your cheeks?

C.J.:
I had woot canal!

Josh:
Why are you talking like that?

C.J.:
I had woot canal!

Josh:
Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.

C.J.:
I can suggesht some ovva fings you can do wif yourshelf!

Josh:
Are you in pain?

C.J.:
I HAD WOOT CANAL!

Josh:
You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.

Josh:
You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.

Bartlet:
I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh:
No.

Bartlet:
Why am I going to be reading that I do?

Josh:
It was suggested in the press room that you do.

Bartlet:
By who?

Josh:
By me.

Bartlet:
You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh:
No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.

Josh:
I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer!

Bartlet:
You were clear?

Josh:
I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!

Bartlet:
Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?

[Charlie has just entered the President's bedroom.]

Bartlet:
Charlie, do you realize you are committing a federal offense right now?

Charlie:
I'll take my chances with the feds, sir.

Bartlet:
How do you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in here? Come to think of it, where the hell is my wife?

Charlie:
Argentina, sir.

Bartlet:
Oh yeah.

[Bartlet rises groggily]

Bartlet:
Have you slept yet?

Charlie:
No, sir.

Bartlet:
Good.

[Later, at the Oval Office]

Bartlet:
I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife is in Argentina. Let's get this over with.

Leo:
He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?

Sam:
Yeah.

Leo:
How's a person do that?

Sam:
Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway 'round Milford.

Toby:
Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?

Toby:
What, I'm not coming in the car?

Bartlet:
No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole.

Toby:
I didn't!

Bartlet:
I could tell you were thinking it.

Toby:
...Fair enough.

Josh:
[about the President] How's he doing in there?

Toby:
He's got that look on his face like he's thinking of ways of killing himself.

Bartlet:
This is a debate that is obviously going to continue in town halls, city halls, state legislatures, and the U.S. House of Representatives. There is a population in this country that seems to focus so much time and energy into this conversation, so much so that I am forced to ask this question - is there an epidemic of flag burning going on that I'm not aware of?

Toby:
I just figured out who you were.

Kiefer:
He's gonna say Satan.

Toby:
No, you're the guy that runs into the 7-11 to get Satan a pack of cigarettes.

Joey:
Vox populi, vox dei.

Josh:
The voice of the people is the voice of a dog.

Joey:
The voice of God, Joshua.

Josh:
Yes.

Josh:
We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop.'

Toby:
No, we're really not.

Josh:
Why not?

Toby:
'Cause this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-O. How about you be the good cop and I be the cop that doesn't go to the meeting?

Bartlet:
Try to find out who those friends of my wife's are in the wire piece and take them out back and have them shot. Can I do that?

Leo:
Yeah.

Bartlet:
Yeah, Leo says I can do that.

Toby:
You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing.

Congressman:
Yeah.

Toby:
What kind of car do you drive?

Congressman:
Toyota.

Toby:
Then shut up.

...

Josh:
What would you have done if he had said he drove an American car?

Toby:
Found some other way of humiliating him.

Josh:
This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass.

Toby:
I've cultivated that reputation.

Mrs. Landingham:
I'm not used to having members of the print media in here.

Danny:
I'll try not to get ink on the furniture.

Mrs. Landingham:
Aw, Danny, and I was just about to offer you a cookie.

Danny:
And now?

Mrs. Landingham:
No.

Jeff Breckenridge:
You got a dollar?

Josh:
Yeah.

Jeff Breckenridge:
Take it out. Look at the back. The seal, the pyramid, it's unfinished, with the eye of God looking over it, and the words annuit coeptis - he, God, favors our undertaking. The seal is meant to be unfinished, because this country's meant to be unfinished. We're meant to keep doing better. We're meant to keep discussing and debating. And, we're meant to read books by great historical scholars and then talk about them...

Sam:
Education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense. That is my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

Toby:
I feel like I've lost 180 pounds. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am enjoying the people I work with - I gotta snap outta this. What's on your mind?

Mandy:
I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace LumLum.

[Very long pause]

Toby:
Well that did the trick.

Bartlet:
[reading from a book by George Washington] "In public, put not your hands on any part of your body that is usually covered."

C.J.:
Well... I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President.

[The office staff watches the Senate start to vote on Mendoza's confirmation to the Supreme Court and begin celebrating. Bonnie starts handing around a bottle of champagne]

Toby:
Put it down! Put it down!

Bonnie:
Toby!

Toby:
No champagne.

Bonnie:
We're just getting--

Toby:
Put it down. Everyone in this room, let me have your attention! Please. The law of our land mandates that Presidential appointees be confirmed by a majority of the Senate, a majority being a total of half plus one for a total of what, Ginger?

Ginger:
Fifty-one.

Toby:
Fifty-one 'yea' votes is what we see on these screens before a drop of wine is swallowed! Because there's a little thing called what, Bonnie?

Bonnie:
"Tempting fate"?

Toby:
"Tempting fate" is what it's called. In the three months that this man has been on my radar screen, I have aged forty-eight years. This is my day of jubilee, I will not have it screwed up by what, Bonnie?

Bonnie:
By tempting fate.

Toby:
By tempting fate! These things take patience. These things take skill. These things take luck. In the fifteen months we've been in office, what kind of luck have we had? Ginger?

Ginger:
Bad luck.

Toby:
[clears his throat and raises his eyebrows] What kind of luck?

Ginger:
Very bad luck.

Toby:
We've had very bad luck.

C.J.:
The theme of the Egg Hunt is "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.

Mrs. Landingham:
You're not getting enough roughage in your diet. You know I'm right about that.

Bartlet:
I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure.

Mrs. Landingham:
Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all Presidential.

Major Tate:
Sir, we're not prejudiced toward homosexuals.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
You just don't want to see them serving in the Armed Forces?

Major Tate:
No, sir, I don't.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
'Cause they impose a threat to unit discipline and cohesion.

Major Tate:
Yes, sir.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
That's what I think, too. I also think the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change.

Major Tate:
Yes, sir.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
The problem with that is, that's what they were saying to me fifty years ago. "Blacks shouldn't serve with whites. It would disrupt the unit." You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an admiral in the U.S. Navy and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff... Beat that with a stick.

Leo:
You want to see me orchestrate this right now? You want to see me mobilize these people? These people who would walk into fire if you told them to. These people who showed up to lead. These people who showed up to fight. [points at Charlie] That guy gets death threats because he's black and he dates your daughter! He was warned: "Do not show up to this place. Your life will be in danger." He said, "To hell with that, I'm going anyway." You said, "No." Prudent or not prudent, this 21 year old for 600 dollars a week says, "I'm going where I want to, because a man stands up!"

Leo:
Listen up. Our ground game isn't working; we're gonna put the ball in the air. If we're gonna walk into walls, I want us running into them full-speed.

Josh:
What are you saying?

Leo:
Well, you can start by telling the Hill the President's named his nominees to the FEC. And we're gonna lose some of these battles. And we might even lose the White House. But we're not going to be threatened by issues: we're going to put 'em front and center. We're gonna raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. That sound alright to you Josh?

Josh:
I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.

Leo:
Yeah?

C.J.:
I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Sam:
I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.

Leo:
Toby?

Toby:
I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Bonnie:
[after Josh told the Senate Majority Leader to "shove his legislative agenda up [his] ass"] Rambo!

Josh:
You talking to me?

Bonnie:
Nice phone call.

Josh:
That's how we do things in New England, my friends.

Bonnie:
In Indiana, we're not allowed to talk like that.

Ginger:
In New Jersey, we encourage it.

Sam:
Mandatory Minimums are racist.

Toby:
I understand that.

Sam:
They're a red herring.

Toby:
I understand that, too.

Sam:
It's a way of looking like you're tough on crime, without assuming the burden of being tough on crime.

Toby:
Everything you've said I understand.

Sam:
I'm saying...

Toby:
We do things one thing at a time.

Sam:
But I'm saying we don't have time to do things one thing at a time.

Toby:
We're talking about treatment.

Sam:
I'm talking about treatment and I'm talking about Mandatory Minimums and I'm saying it's a red herring and I'm saying it's racist.

Toby:
When you talk to the President, I want you talking about treatment. I want you talking about treatment vs. enforcement and I don't want you to stray from that!

Sam:
Toby, is this what you meant when you said, "Sam, you're completely in charge of this"?

Toby:
Yes, I meant, you're in charge of this, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way.

Toby:
[to Andy] I have to get back to work. And you, being a Congresswoman... I'm sure you need to be back out there... you know, screwing the people.

Josh:
Take it easy.

Sam:
I won't take it easy! Give me the phone. I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that he can shove his legislative agenda up his ass!

Josh:
I've already done that.

Sam:
I'll do it again.

Josh:
You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather. When Pacino tells James Caan that he's gonna kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene, only not really.

...

Josh:
It is like that scene. I'm James Caan. [to Sam] You're...you're Al Pacino.

Toby:
Let's go.

Josh:
Toby, you're the guy who shows Pacino how to make tomato sauce.

Toby:
Mr. President.

Bartlet:
We were almost done.

Toby:
I... met with Congresswoman Wyatt today.

Bartlet:
When you were married to her, did you call her Congresswoman Wyatt?

Toby:
No, sir.

Bartlet:
Sometimes I call my wife Dr. Bartlet.

Toby:
I call her Andy or uh... Andrea.

Bartlet:
Okay.

Toby:
Mandatory Minimums.

Bartlet:
You're whupped, my friend.

Toby:
Sir.

Bartlet:
No, she's been talking to you for a year about Mandatory Minimums. You've been saying no. Looks like we know who wears the pants in the Ziegler family.

Toby:
You call your wife "Dr. Bartlet"?

Bartlet:
Just for the turn-on.

Bartlet:
We agree on nothing, Max.

Senator Lobell:
Yes, sir.

Bartlet:
Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.

Senator Lobell:
You know why?

Bartlet:
Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.

Senator Lobell:
Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.

Bartlet:
Yes, you are.

Senator Lobell:
We agree about that.

Toby:
Since when are you an expert on language?

C.J.:
In polling models?

Toby:
Okay.

C.J.:
1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?

Toby:
Since long before that.

Bartlet:
What do we do with him?

Sam:
Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay.

Bartlet:
What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?

Sam:
Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.

Bartlet:
I like this. Because, if everybody keeps moving up one, I can go home.

Margaret:
Want to hear a joke?

Leo:
Uh... Okay.

Margaret:
You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France?

Leo:
Why?

Margaret:
'Cause in France, one egg is 'un oeuf'.

Cochran:
I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

Charlie:
Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of, but I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.

Bartlet:
Here's another one. Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You're lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out." [audience laughs]

Moderator:
Mr. President, do you have time for one more question?

Bartlet:
I don't think I answered the last one. Suzanne's got me telling jokes. Here's an answer to your question that I don't think you're going to like: the current crop of 18-25 year olds is the most politically apathetic generation in American history. In 1972, half of that age group voted. In the last election, 32%. Your generation is considerably less likely than any previous one to write or call public officials, attend rallies, or work on political campaigns. A man once said this, "decisions are made by those who show up." So are we failing you, or are you failing us? It's a little of both.

Bartlet:
They're telling me that we're out of time. I just want to mention that at several points during the evening, I was referred to as both a liberal and a populist, and a fellow fourth from the back called me a socialist, which is nice, I haven't heard that for a while. Actually, I'm an economics professor. My great-grandfather's great-grandfather was Dr. Josiah Bartlett, who was the New Hampshire delegate representative to the Second Continental Congress, the one that sat in session in Philadelphia in the summer of 1776 and announced to the world that we were no longer subjects of King George III, but rather a self-governing people. "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up. Class dismissed. Thank you, everyone. God bless you. And God bless America.

Danny:
C.J., I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!

C.J.:
Danny, I just gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.

Bartlet:
You're not going to spoil my good time for me.

Mrs. Landingham:
Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true.

Bartlet:
Yeah.

Mrs. Landingham:
You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.

Bartlet:
Do you see me walking out the door?

Mrs. Landingham:
No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
The eagle... on the seal in the carpet. In one talon he's holding arrows and in the other an olive branch. Most of the time, the eagle is facing the olive branch, but when congress declares war, the eagle faces the arrows... How do they do that? You think they've got a second carpet sitting around in the basement someplace?