Top Gear, Series 4

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: an awful new car from Rover; a brilliant new car from Aston Martin; and the Apache helicopter gunship: can it get missile lock on a Lotus Exige?

Jeremy:
"A dog makes a better noise than that if you tread on it" (Regarding a Strokes song the show used).

Jeremy:
[trying to out-manoeuvre an Apache helicopter's radar in a Lotus Exige] The best helicopter gunship in the world, flown by the best pilots in the world, the British Army, against the best handling car in the world, driven by an idiot.

Jeremy:
That's not something you see everyday, a gunship in your rear view mirror.

Jeremy:
Get out of the way, you Polish lorry! Why are you cluttering up our roads with Latvian milk?!

[During the News Segment. Hammond has just mentioned the new mini. He is wearing a bright red shirt.]

Jeremy:
Whoa, what are the noises for? Do you like it?

Audience (Including James):
No!

Richard:
Heck, I do, Actually, I think that looks great! [silence] Maybe it's the shirt?

Jeremy:
How much is it going to cost?

Richard:
It's going to cost... well, they'll generally be about £2500 more than the equivalent hard top. So the Cooper S, the Supercharged version of that, £17 500, £15 500 for the coupe. About £13 500 I think for the mini one.

James:
That's horrible.

Richard:
Well, yeah, but the mini- it's not a cheap small car. It's an expensive small car. And I like that [points at mini].

Jeremy:
It's a metrosexual car.

Both:
A What?

Jeremy:
Metrosexual! It's the new thing! It's for the chap, he doesn't wanna be too butch, he doesn't wanna have like, you know, a big 4x4, he spends quite a bit of money on hair products- [gestures towards Richard]

Richard:
Don't point at me, mate.

Jeremy:
He's interested in shirts, probably wears cowboy boots- [Richard is looking sheepishly at his feet, which are clad in cowboy boots] -That kind of thing! He's a blend of gay and not-gay.

Richard:
[talking over Jeremy] I am not a metro-flamin'-sexual!

Jeremy:
You are a metrosexual! I can see you in one of those! [Points at the Mini Cooper's picture]

Richard:
Apart from anything else, how would you know what a metrosexual is?

Jeremy:
I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.

Richard:
You're probably right.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: a pink Ford; a black man's Cadillac; and I go berserk in a Silver Arrow.

[during a news segment]

Jeremy:
Have you seen the back seats of the Discovery?

Richard:
They're magnificent!

James:
Fantastic!

Richard:
It's worth getting one-well you won't get one 'cos...

[Jeremy spots someone in the audience]

Jeremy:
Jesus is here!

Richard:
Well, we never knew!

Jeremy:
Who have we booked as the guest this week?

Richard:
Maybe he's not suppose to be on yet.

Jeremy:
Is he the guest? That would be something, we'll have some viewers then!

Jesus:
At least I'm not too tall for my hair, eh Jeremy?

Both:
Wahey!

James:
I don't know quite what bling is, but this must be it! [pointing to FAB 1]

[Later, after he has done his review of it]

James:
[sitting in the car in the studio] So, I aks [sic] you, is I bling?

Jeremy:
With that jacket on mate? I don't think so...

Richard:
[After having seen himself unable to start a car after being hypnotised by Paul McKenna] I really don't like you.

Jeremy:
(On the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren) "It sounds like the god of thunder gargling a hammer."

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Jordan makes a boob in our Liana; Ferrari and Porsche go to war on our track; And we have some crashes on purpose.

Jeremy:
(After seeing May's Audi 80)"You really can't believe that's a hundred quid car. I mean, I was ready to go, 'Oh no, James has bought a hen house'."

Richard:
What I really do want is a radio.

Jeremy:
(Listening to his radio) Robbie Williams played through a 1980's Volvo stereo.

Richard:
I'd listen to radio 3! Or The Archers on 4!

Jeremy:
(singing along) Thoughts running through my head...

Richard:
Oh, I wish I had a radio!

Jeremy:
That's the worst stereo I've ever heard in my life.

Richard:
God, I wish I had a radio!

Jeremy:
(smug) But it is a stereo. And Hammond doesn't have one.

[During the ride to Manchester in their £100 cars]

Richard:
If I were a rich man, bidibidibidibidibidibidibidiboom! Okay, I've done "If I Were a Rich Man." Any other suggestions?

Jeremy:
If I were a tall man?

Richard:
Funny...Very funny...

Richard:
There is, coming up ahead, an enormous cloud of smoke, which I can only assume is Jeremy.

[on the Italian police's Lamborghini Gallardo]

Jeremy:
Yes, but we've been wondering all week, why? Because it is impossible to commit a motoring offence in Italy!

James:
I've been stopped by the Italian police.

Jeremy:
What for?

James:
I was doing about 110 in an Aston Martin DB7. I overtook the police car on a left hand bend and he pulled me up at the next lay-by because I'd left the filler flap open at the garage.

Jeremy:
It's a style thing is what you're saying.

Richard:
What? Spoling the lines of the car?

James:
He didn't even say anything. He came out and he went up and he went (mimes pushing the filler cap closed with a stern expression). I thought I was going to get a ticket for being unsetting.

[on the 1968 Dodge Charger's brakes]

Richard:
(voiceover) But as for going from sixty to naught... Oh dearie me...

Richard:
(nervously) I'm braking! (The car shows no sign of slowing.) Quite firmly! Fffff- (The car finally stops and Richard is visibly relieved) I was considering evasive then! Ha ha ha!

[watching Jeremy's £100 Volvo start it's speed run]

Richard:
The thing is just not going away! It's still there!

[about to crash his £100 Audi]

James:
Well... It's been good. I met Jodie Kidd... and Stephen Fry.

[James has just crashed his £100 Audi]

Jeremy:
Yes, he's dead, so that's ten points away there! And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear...

Richard:
No, no wait, look! He's coming 'round!

Jeremy:
He's alive!

Richard:
He lives!... That's not ten points off, though. Blast.

[on crashing his £100 Audi]

James:
[rather upbeat] That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Then it was my turn, and I had a problem. The speedo wasn't working, so I had to guess how fast thirty was, and I got it a bit wrong.

[about to crash his £100 Volvo]

Jeremy:
GERONIMO!

[Just after he crashed his Volvo]

Jeremy:
"Damn, Damn, I think I missed the wall."

[During the 996 GT3 RS vs Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale]

Jeremy:
"Eat my exhausts, Badoer!"

[revealing how much he paid for his Volvo]

Jeremy:
ONE POUND! One pound! Yes! The Volvo! Losers! Losers!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Some big challenges; Can you play darts with cars?; Which is faster, a Ford or a pigeon; And can this new Porsche break the lap record on our track?

Jeremy:
[while lying underneath a Porsche Carrera GT] I'm speaking to you now from inside one of the venturi tunnels!

Jeremy:
Right, what we have here is a snooker table or as Richard Hammond calls it as he arrived this morning, "Crikey, a football pitch!"

Jeremy:
My name... is Jack Bauer. And this is the most economical 24 hours of my life.

Richard:
[After launching a car from a gas cannon down onto a parked caravan] That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan!

[At the end of the film]

Jeremy:
You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

[On the new Mitsubishi Lancer and Subaru Impreza]

Richard:
And the other thing is, every time they launch a new model, they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers after the cars name. So! These are the two new models. This is the Subaru Impreza STi, WRX, WR, 1. And this is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. VIII, MR, FQ, 3, 20.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Thora Hird's wardrobe on our track; Richard gets whacked with 800,000 volts; and we take three cars to the birthplace of British speed.

Jeremy:
I actually took a photograph of these two [Richard and James] just after they'd arrived.

Richard:
Ah.

Jeremy:
Would you like to see it?

Audience:
Yes!

Jeremy:
Put, put it up.

[audience laughs at photo of Richard and James in motorcycling leathers]

Richard:
Granted, that's not how we looked in our minds.

Jeremy:
[singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the Y...

James:
But that's an illustration of why we don't want to wear crash helmets. You will kill yourself; but at least when they lay you out at your funeral you won't have helmet hair.

Jeremy:
I suppose you could all dress up as red Indians and construction workers, that's another option.

James:
What you don't know is that we do.

James:
Something I've just thought about though is, that car's got an extra five inches in it so that ou get better rear leg room, yeah?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Richard:
Yeah.

James:
Why don't they just make them all that long? Because you don't buy a jag because you want a small car, do you?

Richard:
(somewhat meekly) Some of us don't need leg room.

Jeremy:
This is from Mistress Goth, from the e-mail and she wants you to be her dungeon bitch. (Audience laughs) I'm not joking. Dungeon bitch.

Richard:
(stammers and looks uncomfortable)

Jeremy:
(interrupting) She says, no, no, she says that you won't have to walk around on your knees because he's so short he'd be a perfect foot rest.

Richard:
Again, I'm thinking no.

Jeremy:
Okay, well, just before you make your mind up we've got a photograph. We've actually went onto our website and here's the picture.

Richard:
Oh my! She is a sturty girl, isn't she?

Jeremy:
If she's looking for a hat stand I'm available.

[discussing the death of J.G. Parry-Thomas at "the birthplace of British speed"]

Richard:
Getting back to this head coming off business...

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Richard:
Presumably what happened was the car, what, dug in, flipped, rolled...

Jeremy:
Several times.

Richard:
Head came off.

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Richard:
Couldn't the same thing happen to us?

Jeremy:
Ooh, I shouldn't think so.

Richard:
Right.

[sitting in a rented VW Golf in Germany, waiting to be struck by artificial lightning]

Richard:
My life is now in the hands of A-level physics.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: We ask, can you run a car on a poo?; Have the Americans made something which can go round corners?; And the 'new' Jaguar XJS, is it any good?

Jeremy:
There are shanty towns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!

Terry Wogan:
Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?

Jeremy:
Never. Do you?

Terry:
No.

Jeremy:
Foxes?

Terry:
No!

Jeremy:
No?

[silence]

Terry:
...children?

Jeremy:
I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children.

Terry:
You see, you see, you're too soft for this game.

James:
Oh dear....

Richard:
[About the American-styled dashboard in the Cadillac CTS] The last time I saw plastic like this [taps it] it contained Tic-Tacs.

[on the Chevrolet SSR]

Jeremy:
You'd drive that, would you?

Richard:
Yes.

Jeremy:
You live in Gloucestershire?

Richard:
I do.

Jeremy:
And you'd drive around in a purple convertible pickup truck?

Richard:
Not a purple one, obviously...

Richard:
damn, damn, stevespeed just OMGWALLD!"

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: James and Richard try their hand at minicabbing; I drive a smoking jacket from Holland; and our Reasonably-Priced Car says Hello!... to Lionel Richie.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG]

Jeremy:
...it even has the traditional Mercedes voice activated computer which doesn't understand a blind word you're on about. Let me show you... Dial number.

Mercedes Computer:
Dialling.

Jeremy:
I haven't told you what to dial yet... Dial number.

Mercedes Computer:
The number please?

Jeremy:
[quickly] 01785.

Mercedes Computer:
0785.

Jeremy:
No, you missed the one.

Mercedes Computer:
Pardon?

Jeremy:
You missed the one.

Mercedes Computer:
The number is deleted, please continue.

Jeremy:
See what I mean?

Mercedes Computer:
202.

Jeremy:
Where did that come from?

Mercedes Computer:
Pardon?

Jeremy:
And so it goes on.

[on what it takes to become a minicabber]

James:
I had to fill out a questionnaire, have my passport looked at, show my driving licence, have a medical and at no point did they ask if I had a sense of direction!

James:
Right...we need to go... right, left, left, right, left, again... [turns the wrong way and curses loudly]

[on the Spyker C8]

Jeremy:
Look at this horn, it's not the sort of aggressive thing you get on an Italian car, that "Errrrr!!! Get out of my way, earthling!" horn. It's more... a thing you use to attract the attention of other people in your tax haven. Morning Valentino! [waves and honks the horn]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Richard says goodbye to a motoring icon; The fastest car in the world comes to our track; And how good is the Citroën 2CV in a crosswind?

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: James and Richard take some cabrios to the wilds of Scotland; I go skiing on the B4796; And can you parachute into a moving car?

[during the Cool Wall]

Jeremy:
[on the Fiat Barchetta] Who said it's still a Fiat? What's wrong with the Fiat?

Audience Member:
They're not good. They're French!

Jeremy:
Where the hell do we get this audience from?!

Richard:
A gardening programme, mate...

Jeremy:
Do you know what Fiat stands for, the "I" in it?! Italia!

[after Jeremy rants about the MG-F as being "for people with Beards, or Breasts"]

Richard:
You know sometimes, when a thought pops into your head? You should kinda leave it there...and not put it out in the world.

Jeremy:
[apparently shocked] Did I just say that all out loud, then?

Richard:
Oh, yes mate, sorry, you did.

Jeremy:
God another thought's just popped into my head, 'bout how like the cat in Shrek 2 you look like.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: James tries to get a sofa in a Volvo estate; The Hamster goes to see the 'Vette; And I go off road in a BMW that can't.

Richard:
[On the Corvette] The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box.

Richard:
[On the Corvette] This, then, is America's Porsche 911. But here in Europe, we already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911.

Richard:
[On the Corvette] So, can this one follow in the tradition of its government and get up other countries' noses?

James:
[On the Volvo V50] There's a touch of Ikea to all this, but, reassuringly, an expert has put it all together.

[On the BMW X3]

Jeremy:
And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.

Patrick Kielty:
[On the Delorean] Ok, look. I'm from Northern Ireland, to start with, right. So if you're from Northern Ireland, and someone actually tries to build a sports car factory, in Belfast, in 1980, when Belfast is more like downtown Baghdad, then manages to come over and build something which is aesthetically quite pleasing, and in the process, manages to take Margaret Thatcher for 100 million, and still has time to end up in a hotel room with a suitcase full of snow that Alberto Tomba couldn't ski down, I think he's a bit of a hero.

[on the Cadillac Escalade]

Richard:
[voiceover] American cars usually have pretty rubbish interiors, and inside the Escalade's, it's business as usual. Look [taps dashboard], they've just cut a wheelie bin to make that bit. It's all one lump of plastic. [voiceover] In American you can buy one of these motorized shopping malls for 28,000 pounds. But as is the way with these things, by the time it gets over here with some toys on it and the forms filled out, it's 50,000 pounds.

Jeremy and James:
[upon Richards arrival] HE'S BOUGHT A ROVER!!!

Jeremy:
[reading] "Each of you must drive your car into a wall at 30 mph. You lose 10 points if you're killed, 5 points for each broken bone, and 1 point for each blood injury."

Richard:
Right. That sounds-...

Jeremy:
I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually.

Richard:
With your Volvo.

Jeremy:
With my Volvo.

Richard:
By contrast, with my Rover made entirely of rust, I'm feeling a bit scared. [to May, who is looking unhappy] James, are you all right?

James:
Have a crash? On purpose?

[on Cadillac's decision not to sell their new CTS in Britain]

Richard:
That's not really surprising because the last Cadillac to be in the United Kingdom, was the STS. And that was rubbish. And I do mean, rubbish. [voiceover] It handled and looked like a pig, there was no reason for that car to be sale in Great Britain at all.