True Blood, Season 3

Kenya:
[about Bill] So he proposes to you and you said what again?

Sookie:
That I needed a minute to think.

Kenya:
[making notes] Hmmm.

Sookie:
[about the Hostess nearby] Aren't you going to stop her from tramplin' all over the crime scene? Why aren't you taking any of this seriously, Kenya? My boyfriend's been kidnapped.

Kenya:
It is Deputy Jones and I'd appreciate you addressing me as such. Now how how long were you in the bathroom?

Sookie:
No more than a minute or two.

Kenya:
Was it one minute or two minutes?!

Sookie:
What difference does it make when every second you spend questioning me, these bastards are getting further away!

Kenya:
What if there were no bastards? What if, while you were in the bathroom for a minute or two, your vampire friend realized he didn't want to be humiliated any more and took off?

Sookie:
Well than how do you explain the turned over table inside? Because to me that looks like evidence of a struggle.

Kenya:
To me, it looks like a man lost his temper... and with good reason.

Sookie:
Come on, just file a missing person's report for me. Please.

Kenya:
Forty-eight hours. That's the rule. You wanna a lift back to town or not?

Jason:
God, I killed a man!

Andy:
No, Stackhouse. I killed him! That's what I just told Bud and that's what both of us have to stick to, 'cause there's holes in our story. Big gaping ones!

Jason:
Like?

Andy:
[about Eggs] Like if he was really all up in my face threatening me with a knife, how come the gun that killed him was fired from over twenty feet away!?

Jason:
Well shit man. Why'd you tell 'im a story with holes in it? We gotta go back and tell him the truth.

Andy:
You tell anybody anything, we're both gonna spend the rest of our lives in jail!

Jason:
I don't wanna go to jail.

Andy:
Than I need to see a lot less conscience and a lot more cajones and I need to see 'em pronto!

Eric:
[while having sex with Yvetta] So, what brings you to Fangtasia on this balmy summer night?

Sookie:
Bill's been kidnapped and I think you did it.

Eric:
I didn't. Any other theories?

Sookie:
I'm still on this one, thank you very much. Where were you tonight around eleven o'clock?

Eric:
Here, with Yvetta.

Sookie:
Doing this? For the last six hours?

Eric:
You seem surprised. Is Bill's stamina not up to snuff?

Sookie:
Tell me where I can find Lorena. If you don't have him, she does.

Eric:
Solid theory. But given the tenor of your last run-in with Ms. Krasiki, I think it's better if I dealt with her instead.

Sookie:
How do I know if you will?

Eric:
Because if Bill was in fact kidnapped, by human or vampire, I am duty bound as sheriff of the area in which he resides to find him... even if I do want what is his.

Pam:
You need to call the Queen.

Eric:
The Queen is the last person I need finding out about this.

Pam:
You're not the only one whose fate hangs in the balance here!

Eric:
And what do you think the Queen will do if I tell her I've lost the one vampire who could link her to the dealing of vampire blood?! That I have no idea where he is?

Pam:
What do you think she'll do if she finds out from someone else? Call the Queen.

Eric:
There are times when I seek your counsel, Pam. Now is not one of those times.

Magister:
Trouble abounds in your fair state.

Eric:
Tell me.

Magister:
It would seem your idyllic little home is competing to become the V capital of the world.

Sophie-Anne:
Can you believe it? I am so embarrassed. Naturally I told the Magister that you were the only vampire in my queendom that could be trusted with this.

Eric:
Any thing I can do to be of service.

Magister:
Our blood is sacred. Wasting it on anything other than procreation is blasphemy.

Sophie-Anne:
Madness.

Eric:
Desecration.

Magister:
Have you noticed an uptick in users in your neck of the woods? Maybe even here in your club?

Eric:
I haven't, no.

Magister:
See that's surprising to me. 'Cause every other sheriff to whom I have spoken has. The amounts are so great in fact, we can only assume a vampire is responsible.

Sophie-Anne:
An act of self loathing so shameful that who ever is responsible should fall on his own stake.

Eric:
Respectfully, Magister. I'm not sure I follow your logic.

Magister:
If your average run-of-the-mill drainers were behind this, it would stand to reason said drainers would need vampires to drain; which means there would be missing vampires and plenty of them. How many vampires have gone missing in your area?

Eric:
None, Magister.

Magister:
So, now do you follow my logic?

Eric:
I do, and I will look into the matter.

Magister:
Good ... and I will expect results.

Pam:
[to Jessica] Let's go to the ladies room and stare at ourselves in the mirror.

Eric:
Here's what I know about werewolves. There's a reason their existence has remained merely a myth to humans for thousands of years. They're territorial, vicious, pathologically secretive.

Sookie:
Boy, does that sound familiar.

Eric:
And here's what I know about you. You're so blinded by your obsession with Bill Compton, you're likely to run through the streets screaming werewolf bait. Alerting who ever has Bill that we're on to them or getting yourself killed.

Jessica:
So Pam, when you're feedin' on someone, how do you not kill 'em?

Pam:
Bill didn't teach you that?

Jessica:
Bill doesn't want me to feed on people. And now he's gone, and...

Pam:
It's in the heartbeat. You feel it in the blood.

Lafayette:
Life ain't not havin' problems, Tara. It's about bein' able to deal wit' the ones you got.

Andy:
You're a good guy, Stackhouse. You got a lotta heart. You're prettier'n most girls. If you just applied yourself right, you could accomplish almost anything.

Jason:
You really think so?

Andy:
Why else would I be babysitting your drunken ass making sure you don't piss your entire future away?

Russell:
[referring to Talbot's reaction] It's like Armageddon in here whenever someone chips a dessert glass.

Sookie:
If I do get into some kind trouble, you'll feel it right?... How fast can you get to me?

Eric:
Probably not fast enough. Stay out of trouble, Ms. Stackhouse. You'll do us both a favor.

Bill:
[after his fangs came out] Don't be afraid.

Caroline Compton:
[trembling] Are you afflicted?

Bill:
I am... I was... My human life was taken from me.

Caroline Compton:
Are you a ghost?

Bill:
I an here to bury our son. You cannot be infected.

Caroline Compton:
What are you?!? What are you?!? A-a demon? A devil?!You've taken my husband. I will not let you take my son!

Jason:
There's werewolves?

Sookie:
Yes.

Jason:
Shit. Bigfoot, is he real too?

Sookie:
I dunno, I guess it's possible.

Jason:
Santa?

Sookie:
Jason, focus.

Sheriff Dearborne:
I quit! [walking away from the crime scene]

Andy:
Hey, Bud. Wait up. Where you going'?

Sheriff Dearbourne:
[irate] Didn't you hear me? I quit! I've had it with this shit! Every time we clear one murder, two more spring up.

Lorena:
That was the best sex I've had in decades.

Bill:
At least someone enjoyed it.

Talbot:
[upon seeing Franklin entering the house with Tara] No! No no no. Not you.

Franklin:
Russell's expecting me.

Tara:
What do you want from Sookie?

Franklin:
You should be more concerned with what I want from you.

Lafayette:
[leaving message for Tara on cell phone] Ring ring, hooker, ring ring. Now I know you're holing up at Sookie's, but long story short, I gots me a six-figure bucket seat cradling my black ass right the f*** now. And you got yourself my old ride. That's right. Buddha done did us a 180, he did. Now why don't you calls a motherf***er back, please?

Alcide:
What time do you want to head back to Bon Temps? Since you're not looking for that asshole anymore.

Sookie:
Oh, I still plan on finding him.

Alcide:
Okay, doormat.

Sookie:
I'm not a doormat. I just want him to say it to my face.

Alcide:
What, he didn't hurt you enough?

Sookie:
I think he's in trouble. Maybe I'm wrong, but if he can look me in the eye, and tell me it's over, then I'll leave him here to rot.

Alcide:
You looking for closure? Just let it go, move on.

Sookie:
Says the man cooking breakfast in a wok 'cause he's too sad to buy a new frying pan.

Talbot:
You are not supposed to bring work home.

Russell:
Darling, [points to himself] King!

Russell:
As always the deposit will go to your Trust account.

Franklin:
But I want cash.

Russell:
Last time you had any real money you ended up at the slots in Biloxi slaughtering a church group of elderly women.

Franklin:
They wouldn't let me have a turn!

Tara:
We need to talk.

Franklin:
Don't say that. Women say that, everything goes black, and I wake up surrounded by body parts.

Sookie:
What happened back there? Why were they all shiftin'? You almost shifted.

Alcide:
Couldn't help it. Their energy starts rolling and it takes over. We're lucky we got out there alive. F***!

Sookie:
I know it was terrible for you, but-

Alcide:
You don't know anything!

Sookie:
I know that if you don't slow down you're gonna kill us, and I am not going to die 'cause of your shitty girlfriend and a Mississippi pothole!

Bill:
You have always so enjoyed making others suffer.

Lorena:
And there is nothing wrong with that. Especially after having been made to suffer as I have been.

Bill:
You haven't suffered at the hands of others for a very long time.

Lorena:
You never embraced our nature!

Bill:
Your nature?! It was never mine! I welcome death because only then will I be truly free of the disease that is you!

Pam:
You can dish it out, but you sure can't take it, can you Magister?

Eric:
Let's see how this plays out Pam. Can always taunt later.

Magister:
I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.

Russell:
Thank you.

Sophie-Anne:
Yes, thanks. So happy I could bleed.

Talbot:
[about Sophie-Anne] You never said she was going to live with us.

Russell:
She's my wife, Talbot. We just acquired the state of Louisiana. I thought you would have been excited.

Talbot:
Excited? Franklin's brains won't wash off the guest linens; I had to bury werewolves under the gazebo, and that Sookie bitch staked Lorena. I've had enough excitement, thank you.

Russell:
Things may be getting complicated soon. I'm afraid I acted somewhat impulsively while I was gone.

Talbot:
[sighs] What did you do? Spit it out.

Russell:
I killed the Magister...He deserved it!

Talbot:
Are you out of your f***ing mind?! The Authority will never stand for-

Russell:
F*** the Authority! It won't be able to prove a thing. I made sure of that.

Talbot:
You're acting like a century old child.

Russell:
Relax! I've already sent a half million dollar check to the AVL in support of their foolish Vampire Rights Amendment.

Talbot:
You can't buy your way out of everything!

Russell:
Of course I can! This is America.

Pam:
Did you sleep at all?

Eric:
[takes a bloody towel and wipes his bleeding nose] I'm fine.

Pam:
The guards still outside?

Eric:
[nods] Pam, whatever the Authority decides, I will not allow you to take any responsibility.

Pam:
You didn't kill the Magister.

Eric:
But politically I'm a much cleaner scapegoat. Who's easier to pin it on: a sheriff in your custody or a king that might be anywhere? If they search Russell's palace they'll find the remains of his lover.

Pam:
What did he do to you?

Eric:
Nothing. But he was the nearest thing to Russell Edgington's heart. He had to die.

Pam:
A hundred years I've been with you. Why did you never say anything about Russell or your family?

Eric:
You didn't need to know. What good would it do to share my pain with you?

Pam:
You didn't need to carry it all by yourself.

Eric:
I am not weak. I was a sole survivor. The burden's mine alone.

Pam:
We've lived through so much for so long. It can't end this quickly...

Eric:
Everything ends. Even the immortal.... If I can't go on, you must make a new vampire. It is your time to be a Maker.

[Pam breaks down into tears and kneels before Eric, crying into his chest]

[In the TV studio, anchorman Jerry McCafferty is reading the news]

Jerry McCafferty:
Oregon has rallied in anticipation of the state's upcoming ratification vote on the Vampire Rights Ammendment. Polls show the measure gaining support in recent months although nearly twenty percent of the country remains undecided.

[Suddenly Russell appears behind Jerry. His fist comes through Jerry's chest and then rips out Jerry's spine. People in the studio are heard screaming]

Russell:
Does that help you decide America? Do not turn off the camera! You've seen how quickly I can kill. Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Russell Edgington and I have been a vampire for nearly three-thousand years. Now, the American Vampire League wishes to perpetuate the idea that we are just like you. I suppose in a few small ways we are. We're narcissists. We care only about getting what we want no matter what the cost just like you. Global warming, perpetual war, toxic waste, child labor, torture, genocide, That's a small price to pay for your SUVs and your flat screen TVs, your blood diamonds, your designer jeans, your absurd garish McMansions! Futile symbols of pertanence to quell your quivering, spineless souls. But no, in the end we are nothing like you. We are immortal. Because we drink the true blood. Blood that is living, organic and human. And that is the truth the AVL wishes to conceal from you because let's face it eating people is a tough sale these days so they put on their friendly faces to pass their beloved VRA but make no mistake. Mine is the true face of vampire! Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you after we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?

Sookie:
I'm a fairy? How f***ing lame.

[Sookie walks into Eric's office, Pam behind her.]

Pam:
She insisted.

Eric:
She always does. [he nods and Pam leaves]

Sookie:
What did you mean, you're "not gonna be around much longer"?

Eric:
Don't pretend you care about me. This is about Bill. Deep down, you know you shouldn't trust him.

Sookie:
Okay. Tell me why.

Eric:
[gets up and walks to her, leaning close] Well, here's the truth. There are forces beyond even my control. If I meet the true death without having at least kissed you, Sookie Stackhouse, that would be my biggest regret.

Sookie:
Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye to me?

Eric:
Cause I am.

[He kisses her. She resists at first, but then gives in. She breaks it off]

Sookie:
Okay, I get it. I'm irresistible and intoxicating, but keeping things from me does not exactly help your cause. Tell me why I shouldn't trust Bill.

[Pam walks in on them.]

Eric:
What?

Pam:
Blah, blah, vampire emergency, blah.

Eric:
[to Pam] You know I love you more when you're cold and heartless.

Summer:
I even offered him my virginity and he turned me down flat.

Maxine:
[handing Summer a handkerchief] Summer, I appreciate that, even if you broke God's law.

Summer:
It's my fault. [about Jessica] I'm not tall like her. Can't even reach stuff on my own closet shelf without a grabber. And I'm not pretty like her.

Maxine:
[shaking her head] Oh, don't say such a thing! She's not even alive! And you are cute as pigs.

Bill:
When this is over, let's begin again. We'll be new.

Sookie:
Will we? I don't know. I don't know if people change, even when they try.

Bill:
We can if we want to. Do you want to?

Sookie:
You know I do.

Sookie:
Who would we be if we were normal? It's hard to even picture it. Would we live in Gran's house or your house?

Bill:
Both. We'd be married, happily married.

Sookie:
And I'm not a waitress anymore. I'm...I'm going to college. No, I'm a real estate agent and I'm really rich.

Bill:
I teach third grade and I love my job.

Sookie:
We'll have a big flower garden.

Bill:
We grow vegetables.

Sookie:
Tara comes over for dinner and sometimes we double date with Arlene and Terry.

Bill:
And I go fishing with Jason.

Sookie:
We don't even know Eric Northman.

Bill:
Everything is peaceful.