United States of Al, Season 2

Vanessa:
You've had a week, haven't you?

Riley:
Not as bad as Al's.

Vanessa:
It's not a contest.

[Riley turns the TV on with his remote.]

Newsman:
Breaking news, the Browns' season is already in peril because they're now down 2 defensive backs.

Riley:
Oh, this is perfect. This is breaking news, America!

Vanessa:
Hey, why don't we just turn this off?

Riley:
No! No, how's Cleveland supposed to win? I mean, Cleveland is screwed.

Vanessa:
Riley.

Riley:
We got to do something! Cleveland is running out of options! I got to tell everybody, they got to know!

[Vanessa turns the TV off with her remote.]

Vanessa:
Hey. This is bigger than you. And don't worry. The Browns' secondary is deep.

Riley:
You know why I think I'm so good at this?

Al:
Because I'm doing most of the work.

Riley:
When I was in 7th grade, a couple of us used to hang out at the gas station tonight. We wait for someone to go in and buy cigarettes or lottery tickets. They leave their car running. We hop in, drive around the block, ditch the car, and leave.

Al:
All I am asking for is for you to be open while talking to him.

Al:
Thank you, Hassina.

Hazel:
Nah, too flashy.

Hazel:
It's simple. Monday is the first day of junior high. All the other kids are gonna be trying to get noticed right away, which I think we can agree is a fatal mistake.

Hazel:
What? That was cold.

Ariana:
Well, looks like someone is having a picnic.

Art:
Ah. I will leave you to it.

Lizzie:
No, you can stay.

Art:
You sure?

Lizzie:
Yeah.

Art:
You know, sweetheart. I get it. When your mom passed away, it took me months to even look at her closet. So don't feel bad. And we're doing this.

Lizzie:
From our second date, mini golf. Boy, did he cheat. Hole in one? I don't think so.

Art:
That's a lot of shot glasses.

Lizzie:
He collected them. Branson, Yellowstone, Niagara Falls. The Vatican! This one was hard to find.

Art:
Oh.

Lizzie:
He was obsessed with Donny Hathaway. His wings! After flight school graduation, they had this fancy ceremony, and then got wasted and punched the pins into each other's chests. Idiots!

Art:
I'm proud of you.

Lizzie:
Why?

Art:
You opened the box. No tears.

Lizzie:
Should I be more upset?

Art:
No. It means you're moving on.

Lizzie:
Oh, my God, you think so?

Art:
No, I don't. I think you're still very sad.

Lizzie:
No. I'm not.

Vanessa:
Do you want any help?

Riley:
No. I got it.

[final lines]

Announcer:
But thermal expansion is not just affecting humans.

Lizzie:
Look, what Dad said is not cool, but he is a very stubborn man, and if you don't apologize, we're gonna have another Uncle Charlie.

All:
And Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!

[final lines]

Art:
On a subconscious level, you are outraged.

Art:
Promise you will not give this another thought.

Riley:
No, we don't.

Riley:
It's okay with me if she wants to stay here.

Lizzie:
Wow. You're good.

Brett:
Would you think more or less of me if I told you I came last night to practice?

Lizzie:
You practiced for our date?

Brett:
I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of a real artist.

Lizzie:
Smart. This vase I'm making, gonna sell it for $300,000.

Brett:
Oh, darn, I only have $100,000 on me.

Lizzie:
Oh, this is awkward. I thought I was dating a rich guy.

Brett:
You ever think about doing this professionally?

Lizzie:
I did, for a long time. But honestly, I'm worried it would lose some of the joy, if it were my job.

Brett:
That makes sense.

Lizzie:
Besides, I kind of like working for my dad. But if you tell him, I'll deny it.

Brett:
That's great that you have that self-awareness. Most people are oblivious.

Lizzie:
Oblivious? Is that your professional assessment as a psychologist?

Brett:
Uh, no. The technical term is "stupid". I was just trying to class it up.

Lizzie:
What are you into outside of work?

Brett:
Well, doing pottery with pretty girls is kind of my thing right now. And there's my punk band.

Lizzie:
You have a punk band?

Brett:
Yes.

Lizzie:
You?

Brett:
Yes. I may look like a mild-mannered college professor, but every Thursday at 4:00 PM, I am a guitar-smashing maniac. I don't actually smash it. I just kind of lift it above my head, then put it down gently.

Lizzie:
And what is this pretend band called?

Brett:
It is not pretend. It is me and several other psychology professors, and we are called "Rage Against the Dean".

Lizzie:
And do you wear punk makeup? Eyeliner, blue lipstick?

Brett:
No, just a little zinc oxide on my nose when we play outside. Oh, and a hat. I have a really cool hat.

[Hazel drums the buckets with her drumsticks.]

Hazel:
Never had a lesson.

Brett:
So, great. For fun, maybe you could try keeping a beat. Sort of.

[Brett drums the buckets with his hands.]

Hazel:
That's what I was doing. But, okay.

Brett:
And, uh, Lizzie, can you give me sort of a...

[Brett vocalizes with his voice. Lizzie plays the keyboard with her hands.]

Brett:
Love it, love it. Okay. You guys ready to blow the lid off this dump? I'm sorry. It's actually, it's a lovely house. 1, 2, 3, 4!

[Brett plays the bass guitar, Lizzie plays the keyboard, and Hazel drums the buckets with her drumsticks. Hazel knocks down the buckets with her hands.]

Hazel:
Whoo! Thank you, Columbus! We are Hazel and the Old People!

[final lines]

Ariana:
Guys, I hate to say it. Please say it.

Art:
Oh, that's not kale in there, is it?

Lizzie:
Can we not have the kale conversation?

Art:
I like iceberg.

Lizzie:
I know.

Art:
It knows what it is. It's not trying to be all fancy.

Lizzie:
I know.

Riley:
Check it out. Boom!

[The tattoo reads:
"Holly".]

Art:
Oh, on the ribs. Did it hurt?

Riley:
Yeah.

Lizzie:
Oh, my God. Why did you do that?

Riley:
Because it's awesome.

Lizzie:
Does she know about this?

Riley:
No, it's a surprise.

Al:
Big surprise.

Lizzie:
Oh, dude, this may be the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Riley:
No, it's romantic.

Lizzie:
No, it's stupid. You're gonna freak her out.

Al:
Why are you the enemy of romance?

Riley:
I want her to know I'm crazy about her.

Lizzie:
Well, she'll definitely get the crazy part.

Riley:
You don't know her like I do.

Lizzie:
She's cool, laid-back and independent.

Riley:
Okay. You know her a little.

Lizzie:
And this tattoo makes you look weird, desperate, and really clingy.

Riley:
It does.

Art:
Oh, yeah. Now I see it. Too bad. I liked her.

Riley:
Okay, you guys are crazy. She's not gonna break up with me over a tattoo.

Art:
Spilt milk, buddy. Let it go.

Al:
I tried to talk him out of it.

Art:
50% of your artery, isn't blocked.

Riley:
There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to what we were doing.

Riley:
I just want to make sure you're not compromising stuff that matters because you're hurting.

Riley:
I was at Vanessa's.

Lizzie:
Wild guess. Al's mom found out.

Art:
Maybe we should give 'em a little space?

Lizzie:
It's not like we're eavesdropping. We don't speak the language.

Art:
Angry, disappointed parent? I am fluent. I thought I taught you better than this. I sacrificed so much. Why don't you just stab me in the heart?

Lizzie:
You're talking about Riley, right?

Art:
Oh, sweetie, I'm talking about the both of you.

Lizzie:
Hey! What's going on?

Al:
I just spoke with my mother.

Art:
Really? How is she?

Al:
I'm afraid my freewheeling lifestyle has come to a close. No need to lock up your daughters, America. They're safe now.

Lizzie:
What happened?

Al:
She says the only way to restore honor to our name is if she finds me a wife from a good family.

Lizzie:
A wife?

Art:
Can't you just do a bunch of Muslim Hail Marys or something?

Al:
No, no, no, no. If your parents are not happy with you, Mr. Art, God is not happy with you.

Art:
Are you listening to this?

Al:
She already has someone in mind. Her name is Nasim.

Art:
That's a pretty name.

Al:
She was the neighborhood bully. When we were kids, she used to hold me down and spit on my face till I cried.

Art:
Maybe I should arrange a marriage for you.

Lizzie:
Go for it.

Art:
Ooh. Called my bluff. Did not see that coming.

Art:
A stack of magazines I found in my dad's underwear drawer.

Art:
Cindy has invited me for dinner tomorrow, and, um, I think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level.

Art:
Ask me anything.

Art:
All I need is to study for a few days.

Riley:
Well, this is a surprise.

Riley:
So why don't you leave while you still have your teeth?

Al:
I was. But now I just want you both to be happy.

Riley:
You are going to kill it in Vegas.

Al:
We are going to kill it in Vegas. Roller coasters, magic shows, and all-you-can-eat buffets. It's like a city designed by a 14-year-old boy.

Riley:
48 miles an hour?! Come on, Al!

[Final lines of the series]