Veep, Season 1

Amy:
Mike, talk to me. I am in a room with three people and a f***load of quiche.

Amy:
So, Dan, Are you enjoying working for Hallowes?

Dan:
Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.

Gary:
[about the coffee machine] Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot.

Dan:
It's a nice bag, Gary.

Amy:
You know, he calls that "The Leviathan."

Dan:
Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?

Gary:
[still about the machine] Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?

Dan:
Jesus f***ing Christ. All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, put the little pod in the f***ing hole, shut the f***ing lid, hit the f***ing button for two f***ing seconds. Oh, it's so easy.

Gary:
s so easy. Too quick, I didn't see it.

Dan:
Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big f***in' bitch bag.

Hallowes:
Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.

Selina:
I know.

Hallowes:
I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there.

Dan:
[laughs] That's a good one.

Dan:
I really admired your primaries campaign.

Selina:
Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.

Dan:
Two things I would have done differently.

Selina:
Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?

Dan:
I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.

Gary:
Ooh!

Dan:
You're the pro.

Selina:
Okay. What do you think of Dan?

Amy:
Oh, Dan is a shit.

Selina:
You want to expand on that?

Amy:
Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.

Selina:
See, I -

Amy:
'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.

Mike:
Just a small change in the speech.

Selina:
What is that?

Mike:
Plastics apparently talked to the President. The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. Just wing it.

Selina:
This has been pencil-f***ed completely?

Mike:
Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.

Selina:
That's the entire speech, okay? What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... prepositions.

Jonah:
Uh, guys, a man is dead. When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.

Dan:
Take a good look at me, okay? Now ask yourself something, Mike. Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now working above you or below you? 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible f***ing dog.

Selina:
Oh, my God, this heat is just unbearable.

Gary:
I feel like a gecko.

Amy:
Sorry to interrupt, but f***-a-deedoo-dah, f***-a-dee-ay! Martin at the White House.

Selina:
What?

Amy:
"Clean Jobs task force likely to be green lit!" Exclamation point.

Selina:
Yeah! Oh, my God! That is so great for me!

Amy:
And the country.

Selina:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Oh, Amy. Good job, Amy.

Amy:
That's why I get paid the medium bucks.

Selina:
Come on, let's go somewhere. Let's meet the public.

Mike:
You want to normalize it?

Selina:
Yes, exactly. I want to meet some regulars normals. Where we gonna find them?

Mike:
Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.

Amy:
Uh ... when was this Two point me meeting with Selina?

Dan:
Oh, are you still tracking my every move? I thought we agreed to move on.

Amy:
Move on from what? We dated for like a week. It was like getting over mild food poisoning.

Dan:
Look, Amy, I am genuinely sorry that my arrival here has caused you to become so self-conscious and gain a little weight.

Amy:
F*** point you.

Jonah:
Whassup, as they say in the late '90s?

Selina:
Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?

Jonah:
No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. [Selina mocks a laugh] I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.

Selina:
What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.

Gary:
She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.

Amy:
Uh, Mike, have you announced Chuck yet?

Mike:
I'm still working on it, Amy.

Amy:
Oh, come on. This is not the Hoover Dam.

Mike:
Yeah, it is the Hoover Dam... filled with shit. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that shit, Amy?

Amy:
Uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?

Mike:
Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.

Amy:
And there it is.

Senator Barbara Hallowes:
You dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize.

Dan:
No, I did. I signed off with colon open brackets.

Senator Barbara Hallowes:
Listen, is Selina really trying to appease the oil lobby with Chuck Furnham?

Dan:
I suppose Chuck could be viewed as a gesture.

Senator Barbara Hallowes:
Chuck is a gesture all right. Do you know what these oil wise guys call him? They call him "who the f*** is Chuck Furnham?"

Gary:
You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.

Selina:
Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."

Amy:
People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.

Selina:
Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are f***ing idiots.

Gary:
[after faking a call from POTUS] FYI, the President is not calling.

Selina:
FYI, Gary, no shit.

Catherine:
You guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?

Jonah:
I'm gonna get back to the White House. God, I love saying that!

Gary:
What did you do?

Amy:
You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.

Gary:
Ooh.

Amy:
7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.

Gary:
Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Selina:
I'm the Vice President of the United States, you stupid little f***ers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherf***ing knees.

Dan:
I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. That was f***in' dark. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.

Amy:
Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.

Dan:
Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.

Amy:
Eh- I am taking the credit for this. I tunneled through the shit, I get the dirty glory. It is me who tells Selina the good news.

Amy:
You know, democracy is fantastic but it is also f***ing dull.

Gary:
Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?

Amy:
No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-Span. The irony would be too huge.

Mike:
You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?

Sue:
Am I sure? [stares him down]

Mike:
Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.

Sue:
I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Selina:
[after a secret service laughs at her joke] That was totally inappropriate.

Amy:
Inappropriate.

Selina:
That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.

Amy:
I'll see to it.

Selina:
Yeah.

Jonah:
So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?

Dan:
What I"m saying, you f***ing ape, is that you are a useless waste of f***ing carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so f***ing low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a f***load is not a nice restaurant.

Jonah:
Where is the bread in this place, asshole? And you, you upstate New York dickshit-

Dan:
Watch it.

Jonah:
Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're f***ing New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.

Senator Sidney Purcell:
I don't have any children. I have a niece and I f***ing hate her.

Amy:
How charming. I need to be getting home, so...

Senator Sidney Purcell:
You know I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, then you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. This bill is a f***ing disgrace, and I'm going to see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. Just wanted to let you know.

Selina:
Viagra Prohibitor? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?

Amy:
No. It means that even if a guy uses it...

Selina:
...it doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.

Gary:
God, no.

Amy:
You said you had thick skin.

Gary:
Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?

Amy:
No, Gary.

Gary:
That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.

Selina:
F***.

Gary:
Okay.

Mike:
You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.

Dan:
Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.

Selina:
Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?

Dan & Mike:
Yes, ma'am.

Selina:
Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Mike:
Mm-hmm.

Selina:
Who's gonna go first?

Mike:
Ladies first.

Selina:
So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.

Dan:
Sure. This is class genocide.

Selina:
This is this um, huh?

Dan:
This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.

Selina:
Okay.

Dan:
Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.

Selina:
Wow.

Gary:
Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?

Selina:
Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...

Mike:
My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...

Selina:
All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.

Mike:
Which way are you gonna vote?

Selina:
The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.

Amy:
Okay.

Selina:
Which way do you think that should be?

Amy:
You okay? You seem to be phoning it in a little.

Selina:
You know what, Amy? I'm the Veep I never wanted to be. I'm talking salad wraps and body mass index to these idiots.

Amy:
You should really just go and-

Selina:
Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.

Amy:
Selina might be pregnant. What do we wanna do?

Mike:
Is this for real? 'Cause if it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.

Dan:
[seeing a pregnancy test Amy is buying for Selina] Holy sh- Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a f***ing neck tattoo.

Amy:
Thanks for the support.

Dan:
So I guess you're gonna be needing maternity leave. I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.

Amy:
That is literally your first thought?

Dan:
No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.

Amy:
Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him F*** Weasel.

Dan:
Wait a second. So- Ma'am- So you're the one who's pregnant?

Selina:
I might be pregnant.

Dan:
So we're looking at a wedding.

Selina:
Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.

Dan:
So what do you think is she really pregnant?

Amy:
How should I know?

Dan:
You're a woman.

Amy:
You think as a woman I might sense some disturbance in f***ing what the lady matrix?

Selina:
Mike, this is not a story. Collins made a bunch of faces, he was reassigned. That shouldn't be news. How in the hell did this happen? It's the secret service, for Christ's sake. Secret as in shut the f*** up. And service as in you work for me, okay? So why don't you shut the f*** up? We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name, or would if it could still talk.

Gary:
Selina's had a miscarriage.

Dan:
Well, this is good for us.

Amy:
Nicely done, Dandroid.

Mike:
How is she?

Dan:
Free from a major f***ing political headache, I'd say.

Sue:
That's deep space cold, Dan.

Mike:
Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.

Jonah:
(entering the office) White House is in the house. Everybody say way-o!

Selina:
(turning away) The skyscraper of shit has arrived.

Amy:
Okay, there's a White House request to publish all the secret service office personnel records.

Selina:
Are you kidding me? They want our records now? What are we gonna do?

Amy:
Yeah...

Selina:
What?

Amy:
Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking why not release all of our f***ing records? Full disclosure.

Selina:
Are you serious?

Amy:
Yeah, publish everything. All of our emails, all of our phone records.

Mike:
Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything. I mean, you can't read everything. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.

Amy:
So by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.

Selina:
Dan, what do you think about this?

Dan:
I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.

Amy:
Just because this isn't your baby, you don't care to - God, I am so sorry.

Selina:
Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence. Full disclosure is now the name of the game. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it. Right, Mike?

Mike:
Yes, ma'am.

Selina:
Okay. Thank you. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light. We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs. There can be no- Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down? Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to clean jobs, all right? We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.

Mike:
The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.

Selina:
Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure. But the thing is, is that I still think there needs to be something embarrassing in there. You know what I mean?

Amy:
Sure.

Selina:
So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this f***ing thing.

Selina:
I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me. [Amy shakes her head] What is that... nodding thing supposed to mean?

Amy:
No, no, my- processing information. The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.

Selina:
Oh, well, once your done buffering, what is it that you're thinking?

Amy:
I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.

Selina:
What do you mean?

Amy:
Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off. And now he just doesn't like what's un-

Selina:
Doesn't like what?

Amy:
He just doesn't- doesn't really-

Selina:
Okay, I think you'd better get out of my office.

Jonah:
Hi, everybody. [no one says anything] So no apologies?

Amy:
For what?

Jonah:
Oh, for what? Oh. "Washington Post." Page 17. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions for an unnamed White House aide. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick." [people laugh and Mike points to himself] "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat in the shape of a dick."

Dan:
Oh, that made it in there!

Jonah:
Everybody knows this is me, guys.

Ted:
Hey, you know what? Thanks for returning my call. The message was, "Please don't f***ing call me again." So why don't you just take your beak and shove it up some corpse's ass, okay, you vulture motherf***er?

Selina:
Was that a journalist?

Ted:
Yes

Selina:
Oh, God! What are you doing, Ted? You can't tell him to f*** his mother!

Ted:
Her mother, actually

Selina:
What the hell

Gary:
The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.

Selina:
I know.

Gary:
We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. [she gives him a look] Or a ballerina or modern dancer.

Roger:
Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you? What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?

Dan:
Actually, my name is Dan Egan.

Mike:
Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... he's back. He's been un-reassigned.

Selina:
Are you kidding me?

Mike:
Not great, admittedly.

Selina:
"Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my f***ing memoir.

Selina:
'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 66 percent disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.

Mike:
How you feeling?

Selina:
Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm emotional time bomb. So here's an idea- Let's put me onstage.

Roger:
Maybe you should make an address, okay? Talk about politics and America working together. People-

Selina:
I know how to give a motherf***ing speech! Don't you patronize me with your no-jaw. You, Congressman No-Jaw!

Amy:
Hi, Sidney. How are you?

Sidney Purcell:
Oh, you know, full of free shrimp.

Amy:
Hey, here's the thing: Clean Jobs...

Sidney Purcell:
Clean Jobs, yeah. What's going on there? You guys got a name yet? You too afraid of wrecking the Earth's resources to print up a press release?

Amy:
I was actually gonna run a name by you...

Sidney Purcell:
Don't say Chuck Furnham. [sees Amy's expression] Do not say Chuck Furnham! If you say Chuck Furnham, I will go into anaphylactic fucking shock.

Amy:
I'm saying Chuck Furnham—

Sidney Purcell:
FUCKING HELL!! Are you kidding me? Chuck Furnham, that's fucking official?!

Amy:
Chuck is oil.

Sidney Purcell:
No. No, no. Hey, I'm sorry, no. He's not oil. He's a fucking fossil but he's not oil. We need somebody who is plugged in. The only thing Chuck is plugged into is his fucking piss-bag.

Selina:
Dan? Did your boyfriend know anything about this?

Dan:
I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence!

Selina:
That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo!

Dan:
I thought—

Selina:
No, no! Let me be more clear: it doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS! Get out of my office.

Amy:
You know, I saw a guitar in there. You play the guitar, right?

Dan:
Not in this situation!

Amy:
Yes! Yes!

Dan:
No, my guitar is for seduction, not crowd control. Granted, on a good night that's one and the same, but still.

Amy:
No, we're finding the guitar. That's what we're doing.

Selina:
[to Mike] Did you find out who the President's playing golf with? [off of Mike's expression] Golf! You know, men walking around with sticks, talking about their careers.

Larry:
You know those dreams where your football coach is, like, screaming at you, you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and all your teeth fall out? That's like a Disney version of the Congressional Committee!