Veep, Season 6

Amy:
Saddle up those emphysema tanks, you inbred cousin-fuckers, because we are going to drag this state into the 20th century. That's right, I said 20th.

Selina:
Can you believe this ? The anni-fuckin'-sary of the historic House vote? I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang-rape, except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil.

Furlong:
Do you know what the chief agricultural product of my district is? I'll give you a hint: It looks like Will's wife's clit.

Jonah:
Mangoes?

Furlong:
No. Tell him, Will.

Will:
Green beans.

Furlong:
That's why I spent two months jamming them into that lunch bill... like what, Will?

Will:
Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock down my throat in a public restroom well known for that purpose.

Selina:
I was so sorry to hear about Uber.

Ben:
Bunch of dumbass millennials. Too lazy to learn how to drive drunk.

Gary:
How is an ex-president's ex moving back in with her going to go over in small town America?

Selina:
Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.

Kent:
In order to find an ideal match, the restaurant table, food, and tie will be the same for every date to establish a control. The girl will be different.

Ben:
Jesus, Kent! He's just gotta go to a laundromat, meet a girl, take her to a movie, little chit chat, couple, three drinks, standard HJ in the cab home, and a year later he's a father. Why do you make it so goddamn complicated?

Jonah:
You know, one time I tried hitting on a girl in a laundromat. For someone with broken English, she was real uppity.

Kent:
There's your answer.

Ben:
Carry on.

[Selina has caught Andrew cheating on her]

Selina:
I just can't believe I fell for it. Again!

Amy:
Andrew is very hard to get rid of. He's like the herpes virus, or an unwanted child.

Selina:
Well, in this case, he gave me both.

Buddy:
I can't believe I spent the night in jail!

Amy:
It's a piddling DUI. In Nevada, that's practically a resume-builder. There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag, right next to the guy beating his wife.

Ben:
I need a drink. It's gotta be 8 a.m. somewhere.

Doyle:
We're backing Professor Nikolai Genidze. He's a new voice for democracy in the region and would be a major victory for the Doyle Doctrine.

Selina:
You have a doctrine now? What is it, "Boners are rare, don't waste them"?

Doyle:
Hey, did you think of that while you were walking on the beach with a metal detector, or however you fill your empty days?

Selina:
That's nice.

Minna Häkkinen:
Nikolai Genidze is the only hope for the Georgian people. He has the soul of a poet.

Selina:
Yeah, well, that and a car with a sunroof could have bought you my virginity in '83.

Selina:
You're just in the middle of what we Americans call a...

Minna Häkkinen:
Difficult situation.

Selina:
...fuck-fog.

Selina:
God, that is the most grotesque country I have ever been in, and I have been all over Florida!

Amy:
We have a lead on a site for your library: Eastern Shore, Maryland. If it was any more Kennedyesque, it would drive you into the ocean.

Richard:
Ma'am, I tried everyone on the finance committee...

Selina:
Yeah?

Richard:
...and they all said no.

Selina:
All of them?

Richard:
They all said no very fast.

Doctor:
Well, your sperm count looks normal, but the motility is abnormally low, which means, I'm sorry to say, that it may be virtually impossible for you to conceive.

Dan:
Seriously?

Catherine:
I'm so sorry, Dan...

Dan:
So I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing?

Marjorie:
Well, that has nothing...

Dan:
Oh, I am gonna save a fortune in Morning After pills! There are, like, three girls who owe me an abortion refund.

Richard:
The Judiciary Committee has asked you to send them everything you've ever written on abortion.

Selina:
Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I can find it lying around here somewhere.

Richard:
I'll check the freezer.

Dan:
I haven't slept with a woman over 30 since I was 14... and that was because I needed the grade.

Mike:
Whatever happened to Louise Kellogg?

Selina:
Oh, God. I made Andrew can her slutty can. Then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find.

Mike:
Huh, that's actually right when I started working with you.

Ben:
Get up.

Jonah:
What?

Kent:
Give me that fork.

Jonah:
What gives?

Kent:
Fundraising laws. No silverware.

Ben:
Yeah. If you sit, it's a meal. Which is a gift. Which is a bribe. Which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you!

[Richard is about to donate sperm for Catherine and Marjorie's baby]

Richard:
I've never done this before.

Catherine:
Well, you just go in there, and...

Richard:
No, I mean I've never, ah, "shook the Devil's hand".

Marjorie:
You mean... masturbate?

Richard:
Well, "self-husband". Does it hurt?

Catherine:
No, no, Richard...

Marjorie:
How is that possible?

Richard:
Well, my family in Iowa is pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin, like microwaves or laughter.

Catherine:
Do you need a minute?

Richard:
No. Worse comes to worse, I'll just burn in hell, like Grandma Splett.

Amy:
You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.

Selina:
[at a sheik's funeral] It's like six degrees of Al-Qaeda in here. I hope we don't drone this place while we're in it.

Jonah:
You are going to invite me to dinner at your house, or I am going to fuck all your shit up. And, I want you to make me the paella.

Kent:
You play with the paella?

Furlong:
Mrs. Furlong is only interested in inviting married couples, and you and your imaginary dragon don't count.

Shawnee:
I'm coming too.

Furlong:
Whoa, what is this, the fourth horse-face of the apocalypse? Jesus, Jonah, if you're gonna pay for sex, just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.

Ben:
Uh, this is Shawnee Tanz, daughter of Sherman Tanz.

Furlong:
[suddenly polite] Ah, Ms. Tanz! Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated!

Shawnee:
Yes, he's bringing me to dinner. We're engaged.

Jonah:
Wait, what? We are?

Shawnee:
There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's. Pick it up by six. It's already paid for.

Gary:
Oh my, look at those curtains! Where can I get those?

Nyaring Ayun:
I made them from my husband's death shroud.

Selina:
Oh... what a touching tribute, Nyaring.

Nyaring Ayun:
No, it was a purposeful desecration of a man who beat and raped me.

Selina:
Well, they go with everything.

Selina:
[to Mike regarding his sunscreen] You look like the world's least fucked geisha.

Amy:
Ma'am, the president of Egypt is expecting your call at 3 pm.

Selina:
Okay, send his mistress a gift. Maybe something from Niemann's. Oh, no, wait - any department store that wasn't started by Jews.

Amy:
I will have to start one myself.

Selina:
Now I'm gonna need a report on mineral rights in Sudan.

Amy:
Okay.

Selina:
And I have to find out, what's Qatari for "Morning after pill"?

Gary:
Oh, my God...

Selina:
It's probably "a stoning", which would also do the trick.

Mike:
I had an aunt who transitioned twice. She was trapped inside of a man, and then that man was trapped inside of another woman.

Richard:
Oh, like a turducken.

Jonah:
Hey, did you get invited to the Meyer unveiling?

Furlong:
Everyone was, unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats.

Jonah:
Well, I wasn't invited.

Furlong:
I know.

Selina:
I have got a White House book that is hotter than "Nancy Reagan's Guide to Cock-Sucking."

Selina:
Jesus Christ, underaged Muslim brides are less traumatized at their unveiling.

Gary:
And even they don't have to drink Coke Zero.

Gary:
I promise this party is gonna be so elegant.

Imogene:
Very New South.

Gary:
Yes.

Selina:
What does that mean? No butt-fucking Ned Beatty until the after party?

Catherine:
We should get going. We're actually doing a "Herstorical" tour of great female Southern writers.

Marjorie:
And where they killed themselves.

Mohammed Al Jaffar:
I am sorry for how I behaved, but everything is different now that my father has died of colon cancer, praise be to Allah. Plus, our family's got a new imam who's just a lot more chill. I mean, I could engage in homosexual acts with the entire writing staff of Charlie Hebdo, and nobody would say boo.

Jonah:
[reading Selina's book] Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here! I ruined her administration, like, four times - you'd think that'd count for something!

Amy:
Leon West has Mike's diary.

Selina:
What?!

Mike:
Amy, you promised!

Selina:
Mike, what have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?

Mike:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am. I should have gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't want to lock myself out.

Selina:
How long have you known about this?

Amy:
Since Alabama, but, to be fair, we thought we were on top of it.

Mike:
We did, ma'am.

Selina:
Oh really? Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!

Selina:
My presidency just got caught with a tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard, and I have to make America think I was just giving her a ride home.

Jeff:
Hello, Jonie.

Jonah:
Ugh, fuck. Hello, Uncle Jeff.

Jeff:
Now, why do you think I'm here?

Jonah:
To wish me a speedy recovery?

Jeff:
No. Wishes belong at the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children. Actually, I'm here to thank you...

Jonah:
Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.

Jef:
...for shitting the urinal so badly, you made the Hindenburg look like a normal, on-time blimp landing.

Jonah:
Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown--

Jeff:
SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You epileptic Picasso painting!

Shawnee:
Uh, you can't talk to him like that!

Jeff:
[imitating Shawnee] "Uh, you can't talk to him like that!" Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? Someone you hired to make sure you don't get erections?

Jonah:
That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.

Shawnee:
Jonah!

Jonah:
Her name is Shawnee Tanz, and you will treat her with respect!

Jeff:
Tanz? As in Sherman Tanz?

Shawnee:
That's right. He's my father.

Jeff:
Oh, royalty. Well, then, I guess I should say I'm sorry...

Shawnee:
Thank you.

Jeff:
...sorry that you're even related to that human melted candle who puts the "Jew" in "Why people hate Jews". Tell me this, did he sell your training bras as cum rags to the sex offenders in his prisons? Listen here, Ms. Tranz, as of today, Jonie here is down three points to that wop wonder DeVincentis, so I am pulling this Creature From The Jizz Lagoon right off the New Hampshire Congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra

Jonah:
What?!

Jeff:
Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-headed pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body! The people of New Hampshire are going to be so grateful to me, I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes.

Ben:
[to Selina on her first day as VP] Ma'am, you need to understand that the president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman - which you're doing a pretty okay job at.

Furlong:
Holy shit, I can't believe you're actually showing that camel snatch you call a face in D.C. You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for Oliver!.

Mohammed Al Jaffar:
OK, so Lou wants to meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil. You leave Friday.

Selina:
That's so funny, because the lady who does my Brazilian is from Hong Kong.

Gary:
It's Kismet.

Selina:
I know, it really is, isn't it?

Gary:
No, her name is Kismet.

Amy:
Ma'am, I'm so sorry you lost your library. You know, last night, I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop, and I think I actually came.

Selina:
Is everything always ice cream with you?

Amy:
Just say the word, ma'am, and I will...

Selina:
Amy, Amy. I leaked it to Leon.

Amy:
Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?

Selina:
Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries. And I'm running for president.

[Selina opens the door to reveal her entire old team assembled in the living room]

Amy:
You're... you're running again?!

Mike:
The band is getting back together again!

Selina:
Who cc'd Mike?

Mike:
[laughing] I get it, I'm Ringo.

Dan:
We need champagne!

Ben:
No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.

Amy:
How is this even possible?

Selina:
Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.

Amy:
And what about Montez?

Ben:
She's a Mexican who stole your job.

Selina:
She did, in fact, steal my job.

Ben:
Her numbers are under agua.

Amy:
I can't believe this.

Selina:
We're back! [to Amy] I do need to talk to you about your role. And, Mike, I need to talk to you about your role, too.

Mike:
[oblivious] Sweet.

Selina:
To Team Meyer.

All:
Team Meyer!