Workaholics, Season 1

Adam:
I would fight them, dude, but they've probably got old man strength. And I can't handle that. Not now. I'm tipsy right now.

Anders:
Dude, I said 20 point and they didn't even flinch. Phelps changed everything.

Adam:
[to Blake] I need you, my best friend in the whole world who I truly care about on some real levels, to go to Montez's and get those tickets. For me. Your best friend.

Adam:
Did you get the tickets?

Blake:
I don't want to talk about it.

Adam:
What happened?

Blake:
Look, I didn't get the tickets, okay?

Adam:
Look at me. Jesus. You saw dick, didn't you? Didn't you?!

Blake:
Yeah. It was Montez's. And he saw me. And there was a lot of screaming and running and I just-

Adam:
Shhh. It's okay. It's okay, bro. Who cares? Get in here. [they hug] We've all seen penises we weren't supposed to see, right? When I was in the boy scouts, I accidently saw Ryan Coe's penis on a canoeing trip.

Blake:
Really?

Adam:
Yeah. I couldn't look at him. He couldn't look at me. We were best friends, bro. And we couldn't even be in the same room together. You know why?

Blake:
Why?

Adam:
'Cause there was an imbalance in our relationship.

Blake:
So what'd you do?

Adam:
I found a balance, dude. I showed that kid my penis and restored order to the universe. It's called the boy scout rule of "D"s. And it always works.

Blake:
[after not getting the Clippers tickets] So do you guys want to hitchhike? 'Cause personally, I think it's worth the risk.

Adam:
Shut up, Blake. You ruined my life and now you're no longer my best friend. Ders, you're in. Can you handle this?

Anders:
Yeah.

Adam:
Oh, and by the way, Blake, Global Guts destroys Double Dare.

Blake:
Okay, you're just saying that to hurt me.

Adam:
Mike O'malley would kick Marc Summers' ass, dude.

Blake:
I double dare you to say that again!

Adam:
Mike O'Malley would kick Marc Summers' ass.

Anders:
Guys, guys, come on. Just- We've all had a rough day.

Adam:
Ders is right. Blake, you're my best friend again. Ders, you're out. Sorry.

Blake:
[talking about their house being fumigated] Come on, guys, this is our chance to take that camping trip we've never talked about.

Adam:
Yeah, let's buckle up for some high-speed bro bondage.

Blake:
Yeah, it's free, it's fun, and you just might learn something.

IT guy:
Excuse me, could you move this box so I can get to the outlet?

Adam:
No prob, Bob.

IT guy:
It's Bret.

Adam:
No sweat, Bret. [looking through the box] Look at this. Finally found a t-shirt that's gonna house those bodacious "C" cups of yours, Ders. Come on, give me a little shake, baby. Come on, mama. Shake it for us. [Anders shakes his chest] Yeah!

Blake:
How does he do that?

Adam:
Uh, magnificent. And let's give one to Bret here. It's a parting gift. Thanks, buddy.

IT guy:
Thank you.

Adam:
You earned it.

Montez:
Oh, that's how it's gonna be, huh? This nerd show up for one day to do my job, I'm here every day- Y'all never gave me a t-shirt.

Anders:
Montez, that's because you're not an I.T. guy.

Montez:
Okay, I'm not an I.T. guy. All right, who took that porando off his computer? Hmm? Who Sent y'all all them dope web videos? Remember that chocolate rain, huh? What about that GIF where the penguin fell through the ice?

Anders:
Yeah!

Montez:
Remember that one? And that Leroy Jenkins joint? That was next level.

Adam:
Yeah, that was good. But it came out, like, five years ago.

Montez:
You don't respect the classics.

Anders:
[on the roof of the office trying to escape] Okay, cool, where's the fire escape?

Blake:
Well, there is no fire escape, but maybe you've heard of the classic tale by... who wrote Rapunzel?

Anders:
What are you talking about?

Adam:
Whatever, I'll jump. I don't care, dude.

Anders:
Please do.

Blake:
No, no, I'm serious. Like, we should ponytails our clothes together, and rapunzel down.

Anders:
You mean rappel.

Blake:
No, Rapunzel. Actually, curiously, that's where the word "rappel" comes from. "Rapunzel".

Anders:
No, it's not. But that's not a bad idea; I'm in.

Jillian:
I haven't really been the same since Michael Jackson died in that knife fight.

Blake:
Mm, that's what big media wants you to think. He's on a beach with Brad Renfro and Heath Ledger drinking beers.

Jillian:
This guy.

Blake:
Look it up.

Anders:
I know I'm always talking about getting out of this town, but if I don't get out of here, I think City Councilman is something I could do.

Adam:
I think you'd make an amazing City Councilman, dude.

Anders:
Thank you. We're always kidding. Like, I'm always kidding and you'll kid right back at me.

Adam:
I don't want to do that anymore.

Anders:
No more jokes.

Adam:
You're one of my best friends. I just want the best for you, dude.

Anders:
Yeah, me too.

Adam:
Let's take a photo. This is some real friendship stuff. We need to commemorate this right here.

Anders:
Go ahead. [Adam takes a photo of them with his cellphone]

Adam:
Ah! Best friends!

Anders:
Let me see it.

Adam:
Think you're gonna make the city council after I leak this photo?

Anders:
I don't see why not.

Adam:
'Cause my balls are hanging out.

Adam:
Whoa, hey, cool guy. Fedora brother! 7-11 hat rack. They've got deals. People forget that they have more than just, you know, old hot dogs.

Blake:
No, no, no, no. Adam, come on, man. One fedora per crew.

Adam:
No, I'm pretty sure the more fedoras, the better. 'Cause I look like I'm in a ska band right now. Like I'm in Reel Big Fish.

Blake:
Adam, I beg to differ. We're not a house full of cubans, man. We're white dudes. We gotta be careful. 'Cause we can be very unfashionable very quickly.

Adam:
Do you smoke?

Topher:
Yeah. But never with the tron...

Adam:
Us either, actually, we... don't have weed right now. It's a real issue in my life.

Topher:
Well, throw out a flag and push me back ten yards [in sing-song] 'cause I'm holding.

Adam:
Topher is the man, and he's pissing off our roof right now. That is balling.

Anders:
He's the baller I was supposed to be.

Adam:
That's how cool he is. He's not afraid to piss off of a stranger's roof. That's balling.

Anders:
Yeah, he balls.

Adam:
He balls, big time.

Anders:
Yeah, for sure.

Blake:
Okay, yes. It's safe to say that he's the ballingest guy we've ever met. But let's not forget why he came here: to butt ram a boy. So let's focus please.

Adam:
It sounds so gross when you say it that way.

Anders:
Yeah, I forgot he was here to do that.

Adam:
I don't get you, dude. You're, like, handsome as hell.

Topher:
Thank you.

Adam:
And you have just swagger for days. You could get those chicks if you wanted.

Topher:
Okay, thank you.

Anders:
You're a swagger hound. You take everyone else's swagger. You hound it.

Adam:
You're a swagger hound. I don't get it. You know? It's like, wasted talent. It's like if Picasso quit making music and just started f***ing little dudes every day.

Anders:
This entire thing is completely disrespectful to the rap game. [Blake and Adam laugh]

Blake:
Are you being for real?

Anders:
I'm as real as the streets, okay? And I'm not about to whore out my rap skillz, with a "Z," to some adult nerds gone wild.