You Can't Do That on Television, Season 3 (1982)

Elizabeth was sent to detention for putting on makeup in class, and has just been busted by the principal for putting on more makeup in detention.

Principal:
Elizabeth, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!

Elizabeth:
But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?

Principal:
It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.

Elizabeth:
Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.

Principal:
I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.

Elizabeth:
All right, I won't. [She leaves]

Principal:
[Suddenly realizing he's been tricked] ...Wait a minute!... Just once, why can't I win just once?!

Lisa:
Christine, do you ever use face cream?

Christine:
Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.

Lisa:
Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!

Christine:
Oh, great! Let me have some.

Lisa:
Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."

Christine:
"Face Cream Pie"...

[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]

Christine:
Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.

Christine:
My mother is always complaining about the mess in my room. I mean, she even has the nerve to say that I'm addicted to making a mess. I have to tell her, "No, Mom, I'm actually addicted to tidiness, but I'm doing a very good job of overcoming that addiction."

Mr. Schidtler:
Kevin, I must say I'm impressed with the way that you've changed for the better in your attitude toward your schoolwork lately. All the time you're bent over stacks of paper, scribbling away with your pencil, and I must say I am pleased.

Kevin:
Excuse me, sir?

Mr. Schidtler:
Hmm? Yes, yes, Kevin?

Kevin:
Could you tell me a nine-letter word that starts with "D" that means "to be kept against one's will"?

Mr. Schidtler:
Well... wait a minute! You mean to tell me you've been doing crossword puzzles all this time?!!

Kevin:
Yes, sir. I'm sort of addicted to them, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
I see. Oh - wait a minute. Maybe I can help you with that nine-letter word - yes, and maybe I can even let you experience it. How about [writing on the blackboard] "D-E-T-I-N-S-H-O-N" - "detention"! And you can start by writing it 5,000 times!

Kevin:
That way or the right way, sir?

Announcer:
[after the closing credits roll, over a shot of Lisa, Christine and Kevin being gobbled up by a Pac-Man] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Eat 'Em Up Production. [The Pac-Man belches]

Christine:
[holding up a video game cartridge] Now this is the ultimate video cartridge. It lets you play with your favorite TV program and do what you've always wanted to do. Like, you could shoot down all those stupid little Smurfs, or you could make The Dukes of Hazzard get into a 20-car collision, or you could sink The Love Boat; think of it - you could commit arson...

[She is cut off by a musical fanfare and yellow screen reading "THE END."]

Christine:
[voiceover, over "THE END" screen] Okay, which one of you guys out there has one of these cartridges? Aw, c'mon, you guys, I didn't think they were on the market yet! Okay, a joke's a joke, but, let's get back to the show now. Okay, it was funny at first, but... [screen fades out]

Lisa:
Dad, who's the most popular person among all your friends?

Mr. Prevert:
Well, I would say...

Mrs. Prevert:
Whoever's buying the next round of drinks.

[Doug enters the living room wearing a kilt]

Mr. Prevert:
Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!

Doug:
It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And when you were my age, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.

Mr. Prevert:
Actually, they were saber-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.

[An Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]

Christine:
Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!

Lisa:
...Who dresses like a punk!

Doug:
...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!

Christine:
...Who's not a big sissy!

Christine:
Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)

Ross:
Well, what is it now?

Christine:
What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.

Ross:
It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.

Christine:
Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?

Ross:
That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!

Christine:
Yeah. Forget it, Ross.

Ross:
Well, it was worth a try.

Christine:
The things some people will do to make a buck.

Christine:
I went on that Super Loop ride at the amusement park the other day, you know, the one where it goes up and then it goes around and around and then it comes back down, except this time it stopped right at the top.

Lisa:
Oh, really? Oh, how awful! You mean, you were hanging there upside down? Oh, for how long?

Christine:
Until all the money that had fallen out of my pockets got swept up and taken away.

[An Opposite Sketch. A young man comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case]

Mr. Prevert:
Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]

Kevin:
I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.

[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]

Mr Prevert:
I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

[An Opposite Sketch. Kevin and Lisa are watching TV in the bedroom, and there are some near-erotic sounds coming from the TV, in Kevin and Lisa's voices:
"Oh, Kevin!" "Oh, Lisa!" Suddenly there's a knock at the door]

Lisa:
Uh oh...

Mrs. Prevert:
Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!

Lisa:
Uh, no Mom!

Mrs. Prevert:
Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.

Lisa:
I've got a boy in here with me!

Mrs. Prevert:
Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.

Lisa:
Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!

Kevin:
Just as it was getting interesting!

Lisa:
What do we do now?

Kevin:
Got any cards?

Christine:
Listen, I know you're kind of new to this, so if you have any questions, just ask me.

Vanessa:
Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.

Christine:
Sure.

Vanessa:
How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?

Christine:
Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.

Vanessa:
(looking up) Where do they dump it from?

Christine:
Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.

(Christine is slimed.)

Vanessa:
Very interesting. Is it always green?

Christine:
Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,

(Christine is red slimed.)

Christine:
or blue,

(Christine is blue slimed.)

Christine:
or yellow.

(Christine is yellow slimed.)

Christine:
Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!

(Christine is striped slimed - green, red, blue and yellow all at once.)

Vanessa:
(also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?

Christine:
Well it usually washes off with water.

(Christine and Vanessa are drenched.)

Christine:
Usually.

Mr. Schidtler:
All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.

Kevin:
Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.

Lisa:
I think it's a terrific homework assignment.

Kevin:
But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television can now be seen in Prime Slime Viewing Hours.

Christine:
Don't you mean, "Prime Time" Viewing Hours?

[Christine is slimed]

Announcer:
[Laughing] Nope, I mean, "Prime Slime" Viewing Hours!

Christine:
Figures. What else? ... Thanks!

[Two Boy Scouts are sitting on a house's front porch with a case of bottled beer

Boy Scouts:
[Singing with drunk voices] Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...

Scoutmaster:
[Blows whistle] Empty bottles! You were supposed to collect empty bottles!

Boy Scout:
[in a drunk voice] We've been emptying them.... [Belch]

[opposite skit]

Mr. Schidtler:
Class, CLASS!! Can you please pay attention? Does anybody here have any idea why inte--- "Inestine" was regarded as a great scientist? Kevin?

Kevin:
Oh, uh, I don't know. [braces for the green slime, but nothing happens]

Mr. Schidtler:
Christine?

Christine:
I don't know. [she also braces for the slime, which again fails to fall]

Mr. Schidtler:
Lisa?

Lisa:
[excitedly] Oh! Yes sir, I know!

[Lisa is slimed]

Lisa:
Wait a second! Wait, wait wait. That's only supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."

Christine:
Ah, but Lisa, you forget. This is an opposite skit.

Christine:
[Takes a fingerful of icing from the chocolate cake before her on the table, then thinks better of it] Oh... no, I can't do it. It's a good thing I stopped myself in time. A little chocolate cake binge would have meant another five pounds. Oh, I wish I was thin!

[A puff of smoke, and the Unfairy Godmother appears]

Unfairy Godmother:
Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.

Christine:
I said I wish I was thinner.

Unfairy Godmother:
Thinner! And so you shall be!

[Another puff of smoke, and Christine is changed into a can of Paint Thinner]

Unfairy Godmother:
The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]

Christine:
You know, when you're doing a TV show and you're trying to remember your lines like I am right now, you tend to develop a lot of really strange fears. Sometimes you'll forget some of the teapots. ... No, no, what I meant to say is sometimes you'll forget some of the whips. ... Okay, the words. Sometimes you'll forget the words, and you'll leave out an important cabbage. ... Forget it, let's just go on to the next cream pie.

Announcer:
"The Incredible Hulk Runs Out Of Deodorant" will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following hastily made-up program.

Lisa:
(interrupting Christine's talk about beauty parlors) Don't I know it, Christine. Like, my mom goes to the beauty parlor twice a week and has this mud cake, it looks really funny, she won't--

Christine:
Lisa, excuse me for interrupting, but why would she do that?

Lisa:
I don't know!

[instead of slime, Lisa gets hit with mud, while Christine tries to hold in her laughter.]

Lisa:
You knew about this, didn't you, Moosie?

Christine:
Well, remember that typo in the script that said "Lisa Muddy" instead of "Lisa Ruddy"?

Lisa:
Yes.

Christine:
That was no typo!

Lisa:
You, know, Moosie, this means war.

[Kevin is being strapped to an electric chair.]

Kevin:
When I agreed to do the Kevin Kubusheskie celebrity roast, this isn't what I had in mind!

[The kids are wearing numbered jerseys because the show is holding an audience survey to determine the most popular cast member.]

Kevin:
I don't why we have to wear these stupid numbers anyway. I mean, what difference does it make who's the most popular kid on the show?

Christine:
What difference does it make? It makes a lot of difference! For instance, the most popular kid on the show can demand a lot from the producers, like she can ask for her own make-up lady, she can ask for her own dressing room... (realizes something) Think of it, she can ask for her own chauffeur-driven limousine. But most important of all, she can ask for more money and probably get it, and everybody else will get less.

Kevin:
Really?

Christine:
Yeah, the producers take this audience survey stuff very seriously.

Kevin:
Oh. [Pushes Christine off-camera] I've always said that the audience was the most important part of our show. I mean, without the audience, there wouldn't be a show, now would there? So remember, I've always said that you're the most intelligent, good-looking, and wonderful audience--

Christine:
He's ever lied to. [Kevin attacks Christine.]

[Opposite sketch]

Kevin:
Great news, Dad! I've just been voted the least popular kid in our school!

Mr. Prevert:
Oh, good, son! Hey, listen, just keep up the good work and keep studying the maths because you'll have no trouble getting a job with the department of Internal Revenue!

Kevin:
Alright! (leaves, reciting math equations to himself)

Mr. Prevert:
Sounds right to me.

[Elizabeth is on the phone.]

Elizabeth:
Okay then, Ed, you can pick me up by eight? Okay, bye-bye. [She hangs up.]

Mrs. Prevert:
Wait a minute, did I hear that right?

Elizabeth:
What?

Mrs. Prevert:
You just told Ed to pick you up at eight.

Elizabeth:
Yeah, so?

Mrs. Prevert:
Well, half an hour ago, you told him to pick you up at six.

Elizabeth:
Oh, that was a different Ed.

Mrs. Prevert:
You mean to say that you're going out with two boys named Ed?

Elizabeth:
Haven't you heard? "Two Eds are better than one"?

Christine:
That last skit is very important. It helps to prove how one can not always believe how surveys say. For all we know, the people at home filling out the ballots may simply be a bunch of uneducated buffoons.

[She realizes what she just said.]

Christine:
OH, NO, NO! I didn't mean to say that! Oh, who wrote the cue cards?!

[Ross, holding a card, points to himself and chuckles. Cut to The Preverts watching the show.]

Mr. Prevert:
That girl just called me an uneducated buffoon. I am not voting for her.

Mrs. Prevert:
I always thought she was remarkably perceptive.

Announcer:
"Fred Sanford, The World's Best Dressed Man" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following tasteless program.

[Christine enters the studio]

Kevin:
Where do you think you're going?

Christine:
To do the introduction to the show.

Lisa:
You can't do that on television!

Christine:
Yeah, that's the show, alright.

Mr. Prevert:
[wearing a giant beanie] When I was your age, Dougie, we all had these hats. We called them beanies.

Doug:
Is that why so many men your age are bald now, Dad? Did the propeller blow all their hair off?

Mr. Prevert:
Whaddaya mean, "bald"? GO TO BED!

Lisa:
Christine, have you ever tried the water diet?

Christine:
No, what's that-- Oh, you drink all the water you want...

Lisa:
No, you don't exactly drink it.

Christine:
(realizing something) Oh no...

[Christine gets drenched.]

Lisa:
Christine, the wet look is in. Oh, you got it this time.

Ross:
Moose, I am getting out of here! This studio is haunted! I just seen three ghosts!

Christine:
Ross, don't be silly. There's no ghosts in here.

Ross:
Oh no? What do you call them?

[Doug, Kevin, and Lisa enter in ghost sheets.]

Christine:
That's just Kevin, Lisa, and Dougie in some latest Paris fashion.

Lisa:
[in a ghostly voice] Noooooooo.

Christine:
What do you mean, "Noooooooo"? It is you, isn't it, Lisa?

Lisa:
Well, yeah, it is, but it's not the latest fashion from Paris, it's the latest from New York. They call it the Amityville Horror look.

Christine:
Isn't there any fashion too ridiculous for you guy to wear?

Doug, Kevin, Lisa:
I don't know.

[All three get slimed]

Christine:
Gotcha.

Lisa:
When I get cleaned up, McGlade, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!

[The dungeon. Kevin is in a diving suit.]

Kevin:
I don't see why you're going through all this trouble just to get me dressed up in the latest fashion.

Nasti:
Who said anything about fashion? No, no, this is for your own good. you see, they're gonna drain the moat right into this dungeon--

[The sound of water running can be heard as Nasti quickly puts a mask on Kevin]

Nasti:
Have a nice swim! See ya round! [runs off]

Christine:
Our writers claim that they are true creative artists. I mean, when they start a script, they say they have no idea how it's going to end. But I think that after all these shows we can probably tell them. Everybody altogether...

Christine and the Crew:
Lousy.

[Christine gets hit with water]

Christine:
Now wait one second! Just wait one second! I didn't even say "water"!

[Ross is holding a cue card, which a crew member is writing the word "WATER" on and underlining.]

Ross:
Oh, no. No, that's written on this cue card, and that's all it takes!

Christine:
Boy, those guys sure are quick to get their revenge.

[Lance is watching television as Martin enters]

Martin:
Uh, Dad?

Lance:
What?

Martin:
Can you write a note to my teacher explaining that our TV set is busted?

Lance:
Well, our TV isn't busted. Now shut up, Martin, I'm trying to watch the fight.

Martin:
Dad, if our TV set isn't busted, I have to write a homework assignment on the opera that just started on PBS.

Lance:
(quickly grabbing a pad and pencil) What's your teacher's name?

[Cut to the classroom, where Martin hands the note to Mr. Schidtler.]

Martin:
Here you go, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
Well, this is amazing. Must be an epidemic. All you kids come from homes where the TV set broke down last night.

Announcer:
"Howard Cosell Loses His Voice" will not be seen at this time because no one would be that lucky.

Announcer:
The most popular children's show on television will not be seen at this time in order that we might bring you another episode of You Can't Do That On Television.