You Can't Do That on Television, Season 9 (1989)

[Halloween night. Mrs. Prevert, dressed in a witch's costume and talking in a high-pitched cackle like a witch, is handing out candy. Chris and Ted walk up to her door dressed in their normal clothes.]

Mrs. Prevert:
Aren't you supposed to take a little more trouble with your costumes?

Ted:
No way!

Chris:
Lady, dressing up is for little kids. Now listen, we've got a lot of houses to cover, we gotta fill these things up, so why don't you just give us the candy.

Mrs. Prevert:
Oh, well, at least give me a choice of trick or treat.

Chris:
That's funny. Don't treat us like kids. Give me the candy and give him the candy.

Mrs. Prevert:
No! Say "Trick or Treat"!

Chris and Ted:
Fine! TRICK OR TREAT!

Chris:
Now give us the candy.

Mrs. Prevert:
No! You gave me the choice, and I choose TRICK! HA HA HA HAAA!!! Alakazoom, alakaZAM!!!

[Mrs. Prevert changes Chris into a frog.]

Ted:
Chris? [picking up the frog, wearing a tiny leather jacket] Chris??? [flees in terror]

Mrs. Prevert:
AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

(Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, Chris and Sariya are sitting around the dinner table eating.)

Mr. Prevert:
Y'know, Chris, I know that when I was going to high school, none of the girls was as pretty as Sariya here.

Mrs. Prevert:
Oh, but Lance, you and I were in high school together, dear.

Mr. Prevert:
Yeah, that's right.

Mrs. Prevert:
You know, Sariya, back in those days, all the girls talked about Chris's father. They couldn't believe any boy had so many zits or such bad breath. The only reason I went out with him is because I felt sorry for him... well, I lost a bet.

Sariya:
Mrs. Prevert, I can't believe you would say such a thing.

Mrs. Prevert:
Really, dear?

Sariya:
That's the exact same reason why I agreed to go out with Chris! (She and Mom both stick their tongues out triumphantly at a chagrined Chris and Mr. Prevert.)

Ross Ewich:
We've decided that during each link on this show, one of you is going to say the magic words.

Carlos:
What magic words, Ross?

Ross:
I d-... you know what words! Now Carlos, say them!

Carlos:
Me? Why should I say them? No way!

Ross:
I am ordering you to!

Carlos:
Ross, I don't know who you think you are, but...

[Carlos is slimed]

Carlos:
...but there is no way, I'm going to get, green slimed.

[The other kids and Ross laugh]

Mrs. Prevert:
(on the phone) I'm sorry, Jennifer can't come to the telephone right now; she's tied up.

(Camera pans out to reveal that Jennifer is literally tied to the armchair.)

Mrs. Prevert:
(to Jennifer) And you're going to stay tied up, young lady, until you learn to stop picking your nose!

Jennifer:
Mom, as well as not being able to pick my nose, I won't be able to do my homework or my chores, either.

Mrs. Prevert:
Oh. Well, then I guess I'd... Oh no you don't, young lady! I'm not falling for that! You never do any homework, and you certainly don't ever do any chores. So ha ha, one for me.

(Mrs. Prevert turns on the TV.)

TV Announcer:
For the next five hours, we here at Educational Television are proud to present a performance by the Iranian String Quartet.

Mrs. Prevert:
(to a horrified Jennifer) You won't be able to change the channel, either.

Stephanie:
Vanessa, how does it feel to be back on the show this time around?

Vanessa:
Well, at first I thought it was going to be awful, but actually it's not that bad.

Ross:
Oh yeah? It's all right now, but wait until we really get into this show. We found out there's a lot of stuff that you owe us.

Vanessa:
Oh really? Like what?

[Vanessa is slimed]

Vanessa:
What's this?!

Ross:
Well Vanessa, it just so happens that that Adoption show that I mentioned, you said the magic words and the slime did not come down. So, you owe us one.

Vanessa:
But Ross, that's not fair! I didn't even say "I don't know."

[Vanessa is slimed again]

Ross:
We appreciate your generosity Vanessa, but you only owed us one not two slimes.

Vanessa:
Ross, I wasn't being generous.

Ross:
Oh, of course not. You're stupid like the old days.

Vanessa:
Steph, can you please turn off that light? I can't get to sleep.

Stephanie:
Well sorry if it bothers you Vanessa, but I need help to get to sleep.

Vanessa:
Steph, don't you think you're just a little old to be depending on a night light?

Stephanie:
It's not a night light Vanessa, it's a TV set. I'm watching old episodes of You Can't Do That On Television with you on them. It puts me in a sleeping mood.

Vanessa:
Hey, that's a pretty good idea. Oh no! Doug's on them! Now I'm going to have nightmares.

[Doug Ptolemy comes out of the closet.]

Doug:
Hi, Van. Did you call my name?

Vanessa:
AAAAH! DOUG!! (throws her stuffed bear at him)

Mr. Schidtler:
Alasdair, Christine and Kevin. Sounds like a folk song.

[Kevin gets back in bed as we hear a toilet flush. His mother walks in.]

Mrs. Prevert:
Did you just go to the bathroom again, Kevin?

Kevin:
[sighing] Yes, Mom...

Mrs. Prevert:
Well, you're going in the middle of the night far too often. You're waking everybody up!

Kevin:
Well, fine, what do you want me to do? Get up and go to the bathroom, or stay in bed and go to the bathroom?!

Mrs. Prevert:
Yes.

Kevin:
Yes, what?

Mrs. Prevert:
Stay in bed. I'll just put this diaper on you...

[A loud farting noise is heard.]

Kevin:
Oh no, too late!

Sariya:
I can hardly wait to get slimed!

Chris:
Oh, and what makes you so sure you're going to get slimed?

Jill:
Well, it can't be you, Chris. You just got watered.

[Jill is drenched]

Carlos:
Not everyone can be cool, and I haven't been slimed in a long time! I don't know why!!!

[Carlos is slimed]

Jill:
Sure, Carlos, go ahead, be greedy. "Well, I don't know!"

[Jill is slimed]

Christian and Sariya:
We don't know!

[Christian and Sariya are both slimed at once]

Amyas:
Guess what... I don't know!

[Amyas is slimed]

Chris:
If being slimed is suddenly the cool thing to do, then I simply don't know what this could be except...

[Chris is slimed]

All the Kids:
...the Introduction to the Opposites!

Chris:
I got more than you.

[The end of the opposites. The kids are all still covered in slime from earlier, but they now look horrified.]

Jill:
Oh, I must look really good now!

Carlos:
I can't believe we thought that being slimed was so cool! I don't know how we could have been so stupid! [he gets slimed again]

Mrs. Prevert:
Chris, you were our first child!

Chris:
[Bumps heads with Valerie] OW!

Mrs. Prevert:
And Stephanie, you were our second child. And Ted...

Ted:
Third time lucky, Mom?

Mrs. Prevert:
No, actually, Ted, you were another first.

Ted:
All right!

Mrs. Prevert:
...Our first big mistake.

Jennifer:
Which do you prefer, Christmas or birthdays?

Amy:
Well, I get about the same amount of presents on Christmas and on my birthday, but the great thing about my birthday is, I don't have to buy presents for anybody else.

[Opposite skit, Mr. and Mrs. Prevert come into Christian's bedroom with presents, breakfast in bed and a TV.]

Mr. Prevert:
Ta da! Wakey wakey!

Mrs. Prevert:
Happy Children's Day Christian.

Christian:
Wow, breakfast in bed?

Mrs. Prevert:
Yes, and we have some presents for you. Don't we Lance?

Christian:
Wow!

Mrs. Prevert:
Children's Day is our day to show our appreciation for kids.

Christian:
Oh thanks mom. Thanks dad.

Mr. Prevert:
Hey, what's on the TV? No work today! Nothing but fun, fun fun fun!

[The screen flips over, ending the opposites]

Mr. Prevert:
Well I'm glad that's over. Let's get this out of here. (takes the TV away as Mrs. Prevert takes away the presents.) Now, you are going to clean my car. You are going to paint the house, put out the garbage, scrub the cess pool and then go to school.

Christian:
What's so wrong about having a Kids Day anyway? I mean, there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day. There's even a Groundhog's Day!

Mrs. Prevert:
Christian, every day is Children's Day and you're spoiled enough as it is!

Christian:
Oh, that's what you're always trying to tell--

Mrs. Prevert:
(dumps the cereal on Christian's head) There.

Mr. Prevert:
Dump it! (dumps the rest of the breakfast on Christian.) Now you lazy little slob, clean up that mess! (he and Mrs. Prevert leave)

Christian:
Oh great!

[Chris is washing and waxing a car on the highway]

Karate Instructor:
Wash on, wash off. Wash on, wash off.

Chris:
I've seen the movie. This is going to turn me into a big karate champion right?

Karate Instructor:
No! Turn you into car wash attendant!

...

Chris:
Wait a minute. Can we stop this scene? That joke was stupid! It didn't have any punchline. Can we do it over?

Karate Instructor:
No punchline?

Chris:
No punchline. I already told you! What are you deaf?

Karate Instructor:
[punches Chris in the face.] That was punchline!

Chris:
Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television. And since today's show is about generosity, I thought I'd be real nice and generous and let someone introduce the show, so... Patrick, you're my friend.

Patrick:
Oh, thank you, thank you, Chris! Oh, I don't know a more generous person than you-

[Patrick is slimed.]

Stephanie:
Ted, get OUT of here! It's my turn in the bathroom, Ted! [hits him over the head with her mirror, which breaks] BOY, you're annoying!

Ted:
Ha, look, Stephanie, you broke your mirror! That's seven years bad luck!

Announcer:
No, no, no, no! You think you get seven years bad luck, but this week only, during our generous summer sale, you get NOT seven, NOT fourteen, but TWENTY-ONE years bad luck!!

Ted:
YES!!!

Mrs. Prevert:
You know, Jill, I think it was very nice and generous of the audience to give you all those tomatoes tonight, dear.

Jill:
[hiding in the back seat] Mother, they didn't GIVE me the tomatoes, they THREW them at me! [sits up to reveal that she is covered with squashed tomatoes]

Mrs. Prevert:
True.

Jill:
They didn't like my solo. Mother, everyone thinks I'm a failure, don't you understand?!

Mr. Prevert:
Jill, Jill, that is not true, not everybody threw somethin' at you. The Wildermeyers were there...

Mrs. Prevert:
That's right.

Mr. Prevert:
They never tossed nothin'.

[A car pulls up next to the Preverts'.]

Mrs. Prevert:
Oh, look!

Mr. Prevert:
They just pulled up to the stoplight! Hey Wildermeyer, over here! Yeah! How ya doin'? Yeah, we need a little confidence buildin'. My daughter Jill wants to know, what did ya think of her song?

[The Wildermeyers throw more tomatoes at Jill from off screen.]