American Dad!

Stan Smith:
You know, son, the great thing about First Love is that it's the first of many

Steve Smith:
But how will I forget my feelings for Akiva?

Stan Smith:
Well you see son, as time goes by you'll find- Amy! Amy why won't you love me! Bwah-ha-ha! I don't wanna live!

Snot Lonstein:
Wow! Uncensored nudity! This game must be from Japan.

Toshi Yoshida:
Unlikely. Those women are not underage schoolgirls.

[repeated line]

Stan Smith:
OOH!

Roger the Alien:
Don't cry... in front of the fish.

Roger the Alien:
[after a hallucinogenic meal] I just don't have the words for it. Schmooblydong. Is that a word?

Klaus:
Francine! I can see your Schmootzplatschen!

Klaus:
There's an old German saying: "Don't blame the fish!" There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide...

Roger the Alien:
[Steve has an electric guitar. Roger has an Octopus, an abacus and a hairdryer] Your thing looks more interesting [throws his stuff away]

Klaus:
If they cut your head off, try to blink your eyes for as long as possible. I have a theory to test...

Steve Smith:
Jeez Klaus, how can you be so terrible?

Klaus:
I'm German! It's what we do.

Klaus:
I'll tell you something, though. You've just eaten all the potato salad for the Deacon's Wake! Ha ha ha!

Roger the Alien:
And you didn't stop me? How could you do that?

Klaus:
Yeah, still German...

Klaus:
Can I come?

Francine Smith:
Oh, what's the point, Klaus? You're a fish!

Klaus:
Ah. Francine, could you hit that Boom Box on your way out?

Edie Brickell:
I quit! I give up! Nothing's good enough for anybody else...

Klaus:
Wah-ha-ha-hah!

Francine Smith:
[points at Jeff] Look at him... still rocks a goatee... poser ass b*tch!

Stan Smith:
Thank God we got rid of Jeff and that old hippie. The stench of pot and body odor was beginning to reach McConnaughey-vian proportions.

Jeff:
Whoa! Hundred dollar bills. Hello, President Shakespeare.

Steve Smith:
Hey, Roger, a missing remote. Looks like another case for...

Steve Smith, Roger:
[both] Wheels and the Legman!

Klaus:
Enough!

Roger:
What the hell's your problem?

Klaus:
Every "Wheels and the Legman" is the same. You pick a boring case, you bicker, then you solve it. The solution usually being that Roger is the culprit.

Roger:
It's true. I've got the remote right here.

Roger:
All right, I got everything we need: chocolate milk, cheese puffs and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.

Stan Smith:
Our grandkids are gonna be half loser, I'm gonna hate them, I'm gonna tell them, I'll look them right in the eye and say Pop Pop hates you

Roger:
We just saying the first thing that pops into our mind? Ticklemonster

Steve Smith:
I know Dad, I put up with this every day at the agency

Roger:
Your Ghost Dad's not here!

Steve Smith:
Oh no, then who's possessing me?

[ Steve stands up out of the wheelchair and slaps Roger repeatedly]

Roger:
Stop it, stop it Wheels, Wheels, stop it Wheels' father

[ Steve stops and Roger gasps]

Roger:
[ high] Why do you keep calling me Legs! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why we have a wheelchair, you Nazi walrus bastard!

Klaus:
[ As a hallucination] Steve, who's he talking to?

Roger:
Shut up Garfield! Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!

Stan Smith:
[ to Francine] If she's having sex at any time, the dot will turn purple, I paid extra for that option, I can explode her breasts

Roger:
Tonight we find out who shot Mr Burns? [ to someone off-screen] 15 years ago? Well who was it? Really? The baby?

Francine Smith:
This will have to do until I can fashion a shiv out of a chicken bone.

Steve Smith:
Every time I walk, it's like a game of g-nip g-nop

Steve Smith:
Behold, it is here! My first pube!

Hayley Smith:
[pulls down his pants and shocks the entire family] Ugh, it's red!

Steve Smith:
Fi-yahh!

Hayley Smith:
Oh God, I'm gonna be sick!

Francine Smith:
[after turning Steve into a toddler] Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome young man.

Steve Smith:
Just so you know. I'm speaking calmly right now, but there's a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which this mall has never seen!

Stan Smith:
Ten bucks. Ten bucks and you can slap me with it.

Roger:
You gonna share that crack you're doing or what?

Stan Smith:
Crack? This is cold medicine.

Roger:
No sir, it's crack.

Stan Smith:
It's not crack! I bought on a park bench outside a soup kitchen from a guy in a lime green sui... oh my God it's crack.

Commercial voice-over:
Do you sometimes feel irritable? Restless? Uneasy? Sad? Normal? Or just-plain not high? Maybe it's time to try CRACK. [Stan hits the crack-pipe, hallucinates] CRACK may cause shivers, night terrors, gay-for-pay, heart palpitations, homicidal paranoia, or the sensation that you're on fire. Peeing blood and seeing friends faces as talking skeletons are possible side-effects of CRACK. People who use CRACK may also experience five-to-seven years in prison, where brutal raping may occur. If you experience one or more of these side-effects, consult your dealer. You may need more CRACK.

Stanley Smith:
[singing] Acid, lava, and your crotch. These are things you must not touch!

Stanley Smith:
[Talking to lighter] Soon my pet, soon I will feed you the world.

Stanley Smith:
You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.

Steve Smith:
Well, I guess not. But...

Stanley Smith:
See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It will just be a fact. An ugly, moist fact, squatting on your brain like an octopus. And, you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, Son?

Steve Smith:
No.

Stanley Smith:
And that's where babies come from.

Steve Smith:
So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?

Stanley Smith:
That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.

Steve Smith:
Dad! There you are.

Stanley Smith:
Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where else would I be? Alone? Touching myself?

Steve Smith:
Yeah, right. Only perverts and democrats do that.

Stanley Smith:
[laughs] Well said, soldier.

Roger the Alien:
Oh, what fresh Hell is this?

Newspaper Headline:
Israel pulls out of Gaza; Gaza not pregnant.

Francine Smith:
She was an old woman.

Francine Smith:
She probably died before we hit her.

Stanley Smith:
Sweet Sally Struthers... Sweet Sally Struthers! I can say "Sweet Sally Struthers!"

Newspaper Headline:
Gas Prices Higher Than Dude At Weezer Concert

Klaus:
Oh, he is so delusional. Well, I'm late for my pedicure. [imitates a car engine, brakes squealing, footsteps, and door opening] I'm sorry I'm late, My Ling. I'm thinking French tips this week.

Barry:
[pulling his eyes to make them slanted] I'm Sulu.

Toshi:
[translated] Laugh now, the next century belongs to us.

Barry:
Look, Mr. Smith, your stress zits are going away. Yay!

Stanley Smith:
Oh, God, I want to hit you!

Hayley Smith:
It's not my fault the job market sucks. I didn't vote for Bush.

Avery Bullock:
Back to the cyber-terrorist. Once again he sent a note in the same mysterious language. All of our living code breakers are absolutely stumped. Therefore, because we have no leads, this afternoon we'll be raiding a mosque.

Stanley Smith:
[seeing crowd of nerds at a sci-fi convention] Good God! Who's manning the internet?

Roger:
Why does everyone hate the juice?

Stan Smith:
[realizes he in a camp for deaf kids] Alright! Hey, I'm gonna go in the kitchen steal your food! Marlee Matlin sucks!

Stan Smith:
[Exits then returns] You know what, that's not fair. I really enjoyed her work on The West Wing.

Francine Smith:
Do whatever you want. Just don't get it in my hair.

Stan Smith:
Their laughter can't hurt me if I don't let it, extended fantasy sequence Obama helped me realize that

[ He walk into his house, everyone's laughing at him, Stan writes Barack Obama in a book, he closes it to reveal the cover People who gave me bad advice in my extended fantasies]

Hayley Smith:
Can't we just go home?

Stan Smith:
If you can go back in time, have you smoked that much weed Hayley? If you see me back there, tell me don't jump in the pool! Don't jump in the pool!

Stan Smith:
Someone's true value is determined through the eyes of others, that's in Genesis, their first album I think

Stan Smith:
You had to remember

Mercyville resident:
Come on, you're not gonna kill me just cause I know your secret

[ Stan enters the Smith's new house with his shirt covered in blood]

Stan Smith:
So this place isn't working out

Stan Smith:
Are we good enough to be seen in public Smith family fashion show

Stan Smith:
[ After he comes out from under the sink] No, no, Frank, you can stay in there

Francine Smith:
Hi Frank

[after Bah Bah rescued Stan from being trapped in his own home because Mr. Dawson refuses to bail him out and arrogantly abandons him with his wife]

Stan Smith:
Why did you cut her out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?

Bah Bah:
Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She failed math in school. Imagine, Chinese girl can't do math?

Stan Smith:
It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.

Francine Smith:
Hayley, your cold sore is leaking into the mashed potatoes.

Hayley:
That's the last time I use a lipstick I found on the bus.

Francine Smith:
No one's buying that, honey.

Klaus:
Stan, these people are monsters! You know what my country's done and even I find this repulsive.

Francine Smith:
You were right, Stan. I want to meet my real parents.

Stan Smith:
Don't worry, honey. I'll find them, no matter how long it takes. They'll be here at 6:00.

Francine Smith:
Oh, my God! Our house!

Stan Smith:
Nothing to worry about. Just your average greasy Chinese duck fire.

Francine Smith:
Is everyone okay? Steve? Hayley? Roger?

Stan Smith:
Everyone's fine.

Francine Smith:
[sees Klaus] Oh, and... and Klaus. Is Klaus okay? He's the only one I really care about.

Klaus:
Too late, Francine. Too f***ing late.

Bah Bah:
[he's just farted in Stan's bathing suit] Uh-oh. Gambled and lost.

Steve Smith:
Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illumi-nutty?

Stan Smith:
Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

Steve Smith:
[shouts] The monacle!

Steve Smith:
YES STEVE, THE MONACLE! HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

Roger the Alien:
Hey, Hayley-kins, want to play Jenga?

Hayley Smith:
That game's kind of lame. Unless you want to make it a little more interesting.

Roger the Alien:
Uh... no thanks.

Hayley Smith:
I thought you loved to gamble.

Roger the Alien:
Oh, is that what that means? Oh, I thought you were hitting on me. No, sure, yeah, let's play.

Principal Lewis:
I'm afraid we've got some chocolate in our peanut butter!

Hayley Smith:
[Hayley is dating Bullock, Stan's boss] I came over here after the party, we started talking, and... you know. And besides, he has a huge...

Stanley Smith:
Penis. Haley! Damn.

Hayley Smith:
I was going to say "heart" but... well, you saw his shoes.

Bullock:
May I have some Gatorade? I'm afraid I left all my electrolytes with your daughter.

[Bullock has maimed Jeff]

Hayley Smith:
Dad! Do something!

Stanley Smith:
[to waitress] So what, exactly, is a "frittata"?

Hayley Smith:
Dad!

Stanley Smith:
Hey, I'm hungry! This man rode me like an animal for three hours. Do you have ANY idea what that's like?

Hayley Smith:
[pause; Hayley glares at him]

Stanley Smith:
And now I'm not hungry.

Hayley Smith:
If all the CIA is at this picnic, who's out there undermining democracy?

Stanley Smith:
The FBI pulls a double shift.

Stanley Smith:
[after swallowing a self-destructing letter] I'm pooping blood tonight.

Francine Smith:
Honestly, Stan, what does Hayley have to do with you getting a promotion. It should be enough that you're really good at your job.

Stanley Smith:
Yeah, it should. But we don't live in Shouldland. Ah, Shouldland! Where clean-cut kids cruise Shouldland Boulevard and the Shouldland High football team get their optimistic asses kicked by their crosstown rival, Reality Check Tech.

Avery Bullock:
[Avery is currently Riding on the back of Stan Smith like a horse] Woah, Nelly! Slow down, Smith!

[Stan stops]

Avery Bullock:
Thanks for the ride, Smith. I owe you a sugar cube.

Francine Smith:
[Bullock is wearing Hayley's housecoat] I can see his junk!

Stan Smith:
You know, sir... she is my daughter.

Avery Bullock:
Silence, man-horse!

Roger the Alien:
Remember we were watching CSI, I said I want to do that, you said you totally should, ring a bell?

Klaus:
No, are you sure you weren't high on angel dust and talking to the ceiling fan?

Steve Smith:
[ After bully Stan throws a coffee in his face] Ah! It's in my eye!

Stan Smith:
That's what your Mum said last night

Steve Smith:
[ to Stan] Why do you care how I get those oranges up those steps, I can pay someone to do it for me just like I'm paying Stelio to kick your ass

Francine Smith:
[ to Steve] I'm not good for you, you're so frustrating, I'm gonna go to SeaWorld, punch a dolphin

Francine Smith:
I know I said violence is never the answer, I'm gonna teach you to kick your father's ass

Steve Smith:
That ass needs a pounding

Francine Smith:
That's what your father said last night

Stan Smith:
[Roger tries to talk to the president. Stan slams a door in his face so he falls down] Uuh, that's our maid.

George W. Bush:
Oh, fun! I love Mexicans! Some say they're essential to our economy. Others say they're a drain on our resources. All I know is, burritos are delicious!

George W. Bush:
[Bush goes into the bathroom] Oh! There's already a guy in here! Uh, Oh that's, no that's just a mirror.

Roger the Alien:
In the words of sit-coms in the early '90s and the midwest through out the '90s 'don't go there'.

Male student in Steve's school:
[seeing Steve wearing a back brace for correcting his scoliosis] Different! [all students start throwing things at Steve]

Belgian Terrorist:
This IHOP has desecrated the Belgian waffle for the last time! What you call "Rooty Tooty French 'N Fruity" I call spitting in the face of my countrymen!

Little Boy:
But that's served with pancakes.

Belgian Terrorist:
Shut up, pig dog!

Belgian Terrorist:
[opens coat to reveal suicide bomb vest]

Francine Smith:
[after finding out Stan's been lying about his father] I can't believe you lied to me all these years.

Stan Smith:
And the best part is I'm still lying about a bunch of other stuff!

Roger the Alien:
Um... yeah. Could somebody tell Snake Pliskin here to back off?

Francine Smith:
Oh, Stan, you're probably just having a midlife crisis. Do you wanna cheat on me?

Stan Smith:
A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on!

Stan Smith:
This awesome man is Jack Smith, my real father!

Francine Smith:
Say WHAAAAT?

Avery Bullock:
We've located an al-Qaeda cell camped out in the desert of Algeria.

Stan Smith:
Are they planning an attack?

Avery Bullock:
No, they're just on a camping trip.

Stan Smith:
Those s'mores-making bastards!

Newspaper Headline:
Scientist Discovers Wife Cheating

Jack:
Now son, breaking in to a safe is like making love to a woman.

Stan Smith:
So, we should just pound on it for like two minutes?

Jack:
[after Stan discovers his dad is a jewel thief, one-eyed Jack locks Stan in a cage so he can't turn him in] Sorry son, but I can't go to prison. Do you have any idea what they'd do to my eye socket in there?

Francine Smith:
What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years?

Stan Smith:
The manliest man, he'll do you right, seriously? you should be having sex with him, I don't think he's asleep, I can get him for you

Francine Smith:
You're the richest guy in the world because you have an adoring wife and a loving family.

Stan Smith:
I'm the richest [ pretending to be on his cell phone] Hello Bill Gates turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family , hello UNICEF

Francine Smith:
I get it.

Stan Smith:
I'd like to donate some of my immense riches, you mean children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you!

Francine Smith:
You quit your job!

Stan Smith:
Francine I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance.

Francine Smith:
You mean you haven't got the job yet!

Stan Smith:
Francine I'm going to be rich in adventure

Francine Smith:
Rich in adventure! [ Pretends to be on the phone] Hello MasterCard do you take payment in the form of adventure, hello colleges I'd like to pay my son's tuition, I don't have any money but my husband is rich in adventure!

Stan Smith:
Well what'd they say.

Stan Smith:
I can't believe you would choose being a jewel thief over the two most important things, being a spy and your son's love.

Jack:
[pretending to be on the phone] Hello French Riviera can I buy a shato with my sons love?

Stan Smith:
Yes, yes, we've all heard the bit.

Hayley Smith:
So, you're a despicable CIA fascist like my father.

Jack:
No, dollface, I work for the Scarlet Alliance. It's more secret, more deadly, and everyone wears a turtleneck.

Klaus:
Sounds like a disco I used to frequent in Berlin. I did lines with Falco in the men's room. Greedy, greedy Falco.

Stan Smith:
Roger's a dirty cop. He's been on the force for three hours!

Roger:
My piece!

Reginald:
It's heartbreak hotel up in here, Elvis leave us alone!

Klaus:
I'll chalk this up to a W

Stan Smith:
Shut up Klaus!

Klaus:
It broke even

Francine Smith:
Quiet Klaus!

Klaus:
I blew it!

Stan Smith:
[ Stan is mingling] Best looking guy in the group [ a better looking guy enters] uh no this guy is, why don't you go find another group handsome

Stan Smith:
[ on the phone to Director Bullock] I have something you're gonna wanna see, no it's not nude photos of Talia Shire, I'm not asking you to guess, no I'm not getting you a belt, you can wait, sir stop it

Stan Smith:
[drunk] Francine, you need to come home right now. Greg was mean to me!

Tank Bates:
What're you talking about, queer? She's Terry's girlfriend.

Stan Smith:
No, she's not. She's my wife! Greg is Terry's boyfriend!

Tank Bates:
...What?

Stan Smith:
Terry and Greg are in love! Your son is gay!

[Terry faints in an overly-cliched manner. His father, confused, catches him]

Stan Smith:
See? That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints! [collapses forward and lands flat on his face]

Stan Smith:
You mind if I come over and throw the ol' pigskin around with your dad before you tell him you're a turd burglar?

Steve Smith:
[drunk] What up, you ass face b*tches? You stupid-ass honky f***in' faggots?

Stanley Smith:
I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.

Francine Smith:
Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us.

Steve Smith:
I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!

Betsy:
Gymnastics was a prison I'm finally free from. Now that I'm an unwed teenaged mother, the world is my oyster.

Steve Smith:
I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!

Stanley Smith:
[to his wife] Potato salad. Not adventurous, but it gets the job done. That reminds me, we should have sex tonight.

Steve Smith:
Hi, Betsy. Steve Smith. We were in first grade together - before you Ieft for gymnastics camp.

Betsy:
Steve! Great to see you again.

Steve Smith:
Are you still into the juice and crackers thing?

Betsy:
No. I'm on an ultra-strict diet. I can only eat what Coach B?la K?rolyi approves.

[holds up glass of water with a lemon wedge]

Bela Karolyi:
[Horrified] Lemon wedge? Fatty wants a lemon wedge? *Here's* your precious lemon wedge!

[rubs whole lemon into Betsy's face]

Stanley Smith:
[discussing Francine's potato salad] What if I told you that it contained a horrible ingredient? An unholy ingredient.

Karl Rove:
Unholy, you say?

Karl Rove:
[stands up and opens his robe, traumatizing the entire family then sits back down] Anything else?

Steve Smith:
Where... where does your food go?

Hayley Smith:
Wait, I recognize you. You're that amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!

Karl Rove:
[flattered] Thank you.

Newspaper Headline:
Bush finally gets joke about his last name.

Francine Smith:
Maybe you should take Steve

Stan Smith:
Steve who? Steve Guttenberg, that would be a road trip, picking up tail, signing autographs, all the best love Mahoney

Roger the Alien:
Delorean? Are you doing coke?

Stan Smith:
No

Roger the Alien:
I get it, talk later, I'll take half a key

Steve Smith:
You don't know how to blow a bubble?

Stan Smith:
And you don't know how to make love to a woman, not everyone knows how to do everything okay Steve!

Steve Smith:
Don't think anyone's gonna pick up a half naked 42 year old and his young boy companion, just saying

Stan Smith:
There's so much crime in the desert!

Kid in Park:
[Stan's mind is in the body of a racehorse] Hey, can I pet your horse?

Roger the Alien:
Sure.

[Kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes]

Roger the Alien:
Honey, don't do that. Horses don't like being poked in the eyes.

[the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again]

Roger the Alien:
Stop that. He doesn't like it.

Stan Smith:
[the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again] If you ever do that again I'm going to come round to your house and kick your Mom to death right in front of you!

Kid in Park:
Ahh! Ahh!

[Runs away terrified]

Roger:
[laughs] Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! And he didn't even realize! He's like America, THE GUY!

Stan Smith:
God is my co-pilot! And the Virgin Mary is the hot stewardess! Ding! More peanuts, Mary!

Roger:
[after getting a faceful of cocaine] I AM INCREDIBLY FOCUSED RIGHT NOW!

Stan Smith:
I'm having a spiritual crisis. What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God?

Father Donovan:
Well Stan, we're hardly best friends.

Roger:
I was just taking a midnight stroll when I saw what looked like a magical owl fly by and... oh! Look at that! It's right here, and it's carrying a letter!

[Steve opens the letter and gasps]

Roger:
What does it say?

Steve Smith:
It says I've been admitted to Hogwarts School of Wizardry! The gypsy was right! I am special!

Roger:
[snickering] And here I was thinking you were just a gullible idiot.

Roger:
Hello, Sharper Image? Yeah, give me three Sopranos pinball machines, the radio golf ball, a floating ant farm, a flashlight hammer to smash the ants with if they piss me off...

[last lines]

Stan Smith:
Hey, you still play golf, right?

Brett Morris:
Stan, I'm a Satanist, not a poor person.

Steve Smith:
[walking in a carnival with Roger] You spent all your money trying to win a hat with antlers?

Roger:
[angrily] I do not choose to discuss it.

Fortune Teller:
[pointing at Steve] I see a very lucky boy.

Steve Smith:
Wow, really? Will you tell my fortune?

Roger:
Steve, before she tells you your future, let me tell you her past: forty years of alcoholism and three doctorless abortions.

Fortune Teller:
You are a sad, angry little person.

Steve Smith:
That's uncanny!

Fortune Teller:
What would you like to know?

Steve Smith:
Uhm... I don't know. I guess just if there's anything special about me or...

Fortune Teller:
Yes! You are special. I - I see it!

Steve Smith:
Wow!

Roger:
Steve, she's just repeating whatever you say.

Steve Smith:
You're just jealous because I'm special and you're not. You're boring and regular. [walks off]

Roger:
Uh! "Regular"? Oh, Steven... I'm going to hurt you so bad. [to the fortune teller] I got a question about the future: you see yourself taking a shower ever?

Steve Smith:
Au revoir, les enfants. That means *BEEP* you!

Stan Smith:
Francine, run!

Roger the Alien:
Oh, can't a brother get a "Run, Roger"? Damn! Gotta be all self-runnin' and whatnot!

Jeff:
[in the game, they have obtained an amulet to bring Steve's character back to life] What do we do with the amulet?

Hayley Smith:
It's a suppository.

Roger Smith:
If I have one more piece of vomit pie, I'm gonna pumpkin.

Steve:
Wait a second, that's it! I can sign up for the footballs team! Dad loves sports! I bet he'd love to watch me play!

Roger Smith:
Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere? I mean with your own legs, not by pressing 'X'?

Stan Smith:
Look at this! We're having a father/son moment.

Steve:
[punches Stan in the groin] Quit ruining it!

Roger the Alien:
Those sound like horse names, but they're people.

Hayley Smith:
[about the mall] What kind of idiot would buy into this materialistic crap?

Steve Smith:
And we widen to reveal...

Stan Smith:
Look at all this cool stuff!

Francine Smith:
This man's given me something you haven't for a long time.

Stan Smith:
We've talked about this. My neck gets tired.

Francine Smith:
I'm talking about respect, Stan.

Stan Smith:
Oh my God, you respected her? You're dead, Klaus!

Francine Smith:
You know, you seem very familiar. Have we met before?

Klaus:
[nervously] Oh, you know, I'm just one of those black Germans that seems familiar to everyone, hmm?

Stan Smith:
Now, make me that breakfast you owe me.

Klaus:
Right away. But first, let me ask you something. How many eggs should I eat to get enough energy to plow your wife?

Stan Smith:
Uh, three should do it... What?

[Klaus knocks Stan unconscious with a frying pan]

Stan Smith:
Here we go - mac and cheese. "Boil water." What am I, a chemist?

Francine Smith:
You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.

Stan Smith:
You made all this in one day?

Francine Smith:
That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

[at the "Aids Hotcakes" kiosk]

Jimmy:
How come no one is buying your hotcakes, Mr. Aids?

Mr. Aids:
Because I'm Irish, Jimmy. Because I'm Irish.

Francine Smith:
Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...

Stan Smith:
Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but, please, keep going.

Francine Smith:
Oh, just forget it!

Stan Smith:
Great call, Francine.

Steve Smith:
Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?

Stan Smith:
[wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Francine Smith:
Stan, it's great the CIA gave you that $20,000 bonus for "Most Evasive Testimony to Congress," but at this rate, it'll be gone in no time.

Stan Smith:
Hey, if I don't buy all this crap, the terrorists win! And don't tell me it's not a competition, because it SO is.

Arboreus:
If this mall expansion goes through, hundreds of trees will be slaughtered. Now, we have a plan. But to prove you're dedicated to our cause, you must first make out with tree.

Hayley Smith:
Wait, you want to make out with me?

Hayley Smith:
ME? No, I got a redwood in Canada. [holds up bonsai tree] But my friend here thinks you're really cute.

[Hayley awkward stares at Arboreus]

Hayley Smith:
What's wrong? Is it because he's Asian?

Steve Smith:
Are guys really think, I'm a werewolf. [as Snot ties his hands behind his back with rope]

Snot:
Well we can't take any chances, there's a full moon tonight.

[Barry and Toshi then hold up a gag and kimono]

Steve Smith:
Wait a minute, I understand the rope. But what's the deal with the gag and kimono?

Barry:
I don't know, but I walk into my parents, once and they were using all three.

Steve Smith:
But there's no way I'm...

[Barry shoves gag into Steve's mouth]

Barry:
YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU B*TCH!

[Boys stare at Barry shocked]

Barry:
That's what my mom says to my dad.

Roger:
[Throwing beads at Mardi Gras] Trem?! Etouff?e! Beignet! [Points to Greg and Terry] You're gay!

Greg, Terry:
Hooray!

Stan Smith:
[simultaneously demonstrating with a rifle] Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.

Steve Smith:
Is it weird that I have a boner?

Stan Smith:
It'd be weird if you didn't!

Steve Smith:
[Steve and Hayley call Roger out on his identity fraud] Roger, we can't keep doing this.

Hayley Smith:
Yeah, I mean, it's stealing.

Roger:
Oh, oh, excuse me, are you an ethicist? Are you? Is there an ethicist in the house?

Ethicist:
I'm an ethicist.

Roger:
Well, screw you, I'm Kevin Bacon!

[Amnesia has Francine thinking she's 21 again, and she's run off to Burning Man with Hayley's punknik-hippie boyfriend]

Hayley Smith:
Mom stole my boyfriend!

Stanley Smith:
Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at 'em by dating each other. Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

Hayley Smith:
My mother stole my boyfriend!

Stanley Smith:
Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other. Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Stanley Smith:
Shoot him! Shoot him! [We see Stan is watching Sesame Street]

Elmo:
Big Bird why don't you share your cookie with Cookie Monster?

Stanley Smith:
Don't trust him. He eats cookies but he never swallows anything!

Roger the Alien:
[after knocking out two girls in their living room] Did you see where they went?

Stanley Smith:
Who?

Roger the Alien:
The black guys that did this.

Klaus:
Now, straddle mein bowl!

Hayley Smith:
My mother stole my boyfriend!

Stanley Smith:
And your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!

[pause]

Stanley Smith:
Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

Klaus:
[Hayley runs naked outside] Say it! You have to say it!

Hayley Smith:
Help! Raccoons took my penis!

Francine Smith:
[Francine slaps Roger]

Roger:
Roger: You... You struck me with a bass.

Roger the Alien:
Pillow Fight! [clocks the hooker, knocking her out] Whoops, forgot I put some sodas in there...

Avery Bullock:
[to a couple of strippers] You. Give this man your finest "Trouser Arouser". And you, strangle me while I brush you hair.

Steve Smith:
[after learning that Bobo the Gorilla wants him to stay with him overnight] I don't wanna die from Gorilla sex!

Stan Smith:
[ To Hayley] I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, you were aging in reverse and your life would soon be over

Francine Smith:
[ to Stan] You have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self righteousness of Sean Penn and the embarrassing hypocrisy of Rush Linbar, you're almost as bad as Rachel Ray

Steve Smith:
Mum you are not smart, I don't tell Your Mama's so dumb jokes, I tell My Mama's so dumb for example My Mama's so dumb I don't tell Your Mama's so dumb jokes, I tell My Mama's so dumb

Hayley Smith:
Steve you are never going to get laid, there is nothing attractive about you, you have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a psychiatric hospital

Stan Smith:
[ Stan is wearing panties] Steve stop stealing glances, if you want to check out the meatballs on this thing, go ahead, I'm your Dad

Roger the Alien:
[ on the phone] Watching the news?

Stan Smith:
How did you know?

Roger the Alien:
Cause I'm right behind you [ Stan looks] I'm just kidding, I'm at Indianapolis airport

Francine Smith:
[ Alarms are going off] Stan what's happening!

Stan Smith:
Not much, what's happening with you?

Roger the Alien:
I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy

Francine Smith:
I just feel so sad for those poor actors

Roger the Alien:
Why? What did I ever do to make you say those incredibly hurtful things?

Stan Smith:
Are you serious?

Roger the Alien:
Do I look like I'm not serious!

Francine Smith:
This is what you wanted

Roger the Alien:
You stay away from me Francine! You all stay away!

Roger the Alien:
[ to Klaus] I hate you, I'm not saying that out of anger, it's a fact, it's 67 degrees out and I hate you

Francine Smith:
Roger,you're the most disgusting,out of shape piece of sh*t I've ever met,and I know Sammy Hagar.

Francine Smith:
[upon learning that Roger has hypnotized Hayley into believing she's a six year old] Roger we can't have a grown woman acting like a child this ain't no Disney channel!

Jeff Fischer:
[to Hayley as he lies in bed with her] So babe I'm just curious, I'm not really sure how you feel about us right now

Hayley Smith:
[appearing to talk to him in a childish manner] I love you, you're my best friend

Jeff Fischer:
[breathes a sigh of relief] That's so great to hear, I love you too Hayls

Hayley Smith:
[pan to reveal Hayley is talking to an Anna doll from Frozen] It's so awesome you're a princess, what's that Anna, there's a stinky, hairy ogre in the room? [turns towards Jeff] you and your pee-pee are gross!

Hayley Smith:
Does Jeff seem a little weird to you guys since he got back, like a little different?

Stan Smith:
Hell yeah he's better!

Francine Smith:
Way better, if I were you Hayley I'd lock that down!

Hayley Smith:
Mom we're already married

Francine Smith:
I mean lock it down for real, rings catch girls [rubs Hayley's belly] babies trap boys [Hayley looks disturbed]

Stan Smith:
When you tell the truth, you don't need to flush. Your ass has betrayed you!

Principal Lewis:
Snot, you're Jewish; you'll be in charge of the money. Steve, you'll be in charge of watching Snot because I don't trust Jews. Come on, let's go play some blackjack!

Snot:
Now? But we have geometry class.

Principal Lewis:
I'll write you a note. [writing] "Dear Math B*tch, These kids ain't showing up. Love, your main man. P.S. One plus one equals the two of us. Plus one more would be nice though. Maybe Jill from the cafeteria. Or your sister Lisa - you know, when she's legal."

Steve Smith:
OK, so Megan Fox and Seth Rogen come out of a room containing only one chair. Do you sniff the chair?

Stan Smith:
Stop. Where's Roger?

Roger the Alien:
I left in the middle of the song. It turned into all gibberish, and I won't be a part of it.

Steve Smith:
[talking about the cool things a video game alien can do] Oh... um... sorry, Roger

Roger the Alien:
No, no, you said it. It's out in the open. We have to live with it now.

Steve Smith:
Seriously, can't you do *anything*?

Roger the Alien:
I can get my feelings hurt and throw a world-class hissy fit!

Newspaper Headline:
Missing Twins Found in Gingerbread House

Steve Smith:
I'm running away. It's the only way I can escape those psycho Rangers.

Roger the Alien:
Oh! Oh, take me with you. Maybe my special power is keeping you from getting molested at the bus station. Maybe.

Francine Smith:
I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?

Stan Smith:
It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorist!" and everyone ran away. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were asking, how did I ruin your party? And I'm like, you were there, baby. You had a front row seat.

[Stan lectures Steve on what to do if he is compromised, which will result in Stan bombing his location]

Stan Smith:
C'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy, or that little girl from "Poltergeist." She must be at least 16 by now, you could totally hit that!

Stan Smith:
Well, I think I'm fully strapped.

Klaus:
There might be some room left in the vast wasteland between your testicles and anus, hmm?

Stan Smith:
Nope, occupado. [pulls out a spiked ball and chain]

Linda:
[holds up glass] To new friends.

Francine Smith:
You guys, I have a confession to make. This wasn't a theme party. I was just covering for Stan.

Bob:
Sweetheart, we know. We've encountered people like him before.

Francine Smith:
You have?!

Bob:
Oh, sure. But I gotta say, even though Stan's a suspicious, xenophobic vigilante, he's still a hundred times better than our last neighbors.

[laughs]

Bob:
They were black.

Francine Smith:
Stan, let them out. This isn't funny.

Stan Smith:
Oh, oh, Linda's making a run for the gate!

[Electrified noise, Linda screams]

Stan Smith:
Come on, Francine. You can't tell me that's not funny.

[on the roof, speaking through a megaphone]

Stan Smith:
Until you give the exact details of your next attack, I'm depriving you of sleep.

Linda:
It's two in the afternoon.

Stan Smith:
No sleep! That's right. Starting to get uncomfortable, isn't it? Sure would be nice to feel the gentle embrace of the sandman's spell as he warbles his sweet... lilting... lullaby...

[snores, falls off roof]

Stan Smith:
So, what part of Islam do you hail from?

Bob:
Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.

Stan Smith:
Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.

Francine Smith:
So, the block party starts at 3:00pm and goes 'till question mark. It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want.

Stan Smith:
But not smallpox. [laughs] Kidding. Kind of joking, but not really.

Stan Smith:
[as his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler...that I as an American have every right to drive.

Francine Smith:
Say hi to Betty for me!

Tuttle:
Oh, I would, but she died six months ago. The big C.

Francine Smith:
Cancer?

Tuttle:
No, the big letter C from the Coca-Cola sign. Fell right on top of her.

Stanley Smith:
Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.

Steve Smith:
But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.

Stanley Smith:
Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

Klaus:
[referring to Roger the Alien] I wish he'd get sick like ET.

Stanley Smith:
Francine, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?

Stanley Smith:
Francine, this happens every time! First you pull out a gun and threaten to shoot me. Then I pull out *my* gun. Eventually, your arm gets tired, you leave, and we have passionate "nobody-got-shot" sex.

Stanley Smith:
They're like vampires... or the gays!

[last lines of the episode, as Stan goes outside to look at the damage done by the hurricane]

Stan Smith:
[sighs] What a day.

Cleveland Brown:
[off-screen] Tell me about it.

[Stan turns to see Cleveland and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house as Cleveland walks up to Stan]

Cleveland Brown:
I don't even know where the hell I am.

Stan Smith:
[pulls out a gun] Looter!

Cleveland Brown:
[also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!

[Two guns are heard cocking and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]

Peter Griffin:
A black and a white talking as if it's normal!

[We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]

Cleveland Brown:
Peter, what are you doing? You know me!

Peter Griffin:
Everybody shut up and let me think! Just let me think!

[Francine comes out the front door]

Francine Smith:
Stan, have you...

[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]

Peter Griffin:
[laughs] Oh, man. Classic "American Dad".

Principal Lewis:
[standing on the roof of a building during a hurricane, wearing speedos and firing two machine guns into the sky] End of days, b*tches!

Stan Smith:
We're moving. The house is moving, I see that now.

Principal Lewis:
Yep, looks like the pottery class is coming in. Perhaps we should relocate as I am not legally permitted to be within 100 feet of the instructor, or more specifically, her sugary sweet ass.

Roger the Alien:
Here's a condom. Don't use it. Do what I do. Pretend to put it on, then hide it in your poop cannon.

Principal Lewis:
Hey, can I get another one of those Stephen Hawking pills where my mind's working but my body ain't? Maybe I'll write a book while I'm out. Call it "A Brief History of Fine". Be about Diana Ross. Yeah...

Jeff:
Here, take the whole bottle.

Principal Lewis:
Great, see you all in twelve hours. [eats pills and collapses] Fire up the cloud car, Lando - I'm coming to visit!

Roger Smith:
[pretending to be a realtor] You must be the Hannigans. Maurice Barnes, All-Star Realty. You're gonna love this house. [handing Mrs. Hannigan a leaflet] Here you go. I'm also a singer-songwriter, I'm playing a gig at Sarah's Coffehouse next Thursday; plugging my new self-released CD, real soul-searching, heavy stuff. Buy the house, don't buy the house: you're comped eather way, don't let it influence your decision. My mother killed herself when I was 12, track four. One of the paramedics molested me on the way to the morgue, it's in the liner notes. Come in, come in come in! Now, I love these built-ins, you don't see these anymore. [inside the house] And these are walls! You know, when people say the walls are closing in on them? Well, this is what they're referring to. So, do we have a deal?

the Mexican:
We are so pleased you have chosen to purchase your own restaurant in the Se?or Toad's family. Ribbit! It's like "ol?". Anyways, here is your official Se?or Toad sombrero and your complimentary fire extinguisher that shoots tequila.

Roger Smith:
Is this heaven?

the Mexican:
No. It's Mexico.

Roger Smith:
That makes sense, 'cause it smells like Mexico.

Hayley Smith:
Roger, your lecture today was just ideological nonsense.

Roger the Alien:
Oh, really? You've just earned yourself a week of detention!

Hayley Smith:
There's no detention in college.

Roger the Alien:
Oh, right. Well, then I'm taking 50 points from Gryffindor!

Stan Smith:
A world without children. Future generations will thank us!

Stanley Smith:
[Talking to Roger] You're the Adam Sandler of this house and nobody wants punch drunk love, just give us waterboy

Hayley Smith:
So how was the big night?

Roger the Alien:
It was... what's the word? Shmooblydong? Is that a word?

Steve Smith:
[Sees Snot has made it to the funeral] Just drive.

Trucker:
A railroad gypsy took my vas deferens but you, boy, are just bumming me out.

Mitch:
What delivering pizzas has taught me, is that Easy Street is not always the best route.

Steve Smith:
So true...

Roger the Alien:
When someone starts a sentence with "What delivering pizzas has taught me", that's usually the go-ahead to tune out.

Steve Smith:
Sorry my... um... war veteran uncle here blew up your car

Mitch:
No matter. A car is merely a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived, for they contain the dough of life

Roger the Alien:
[Pretending to wake up] Um, I'm sorry... I drifted off. Are you on Thorazine? What the hell? I mean, wha - what year is it? Who's president?

Steve Smith:
Roger! Mitch, if you can't finish your route, won't you lose your job?

Mitch:
Perhaps. For lo, when a pie reaches not its destination, a trust is broken forever

Roger the Alien:
Yeah... Look, Kung Fu, I prefer my crazy in my bread. [starts to eat a corn dog]

Stan Smith:
[Talking about his camping trip with his dad and son] It was really fun, you should have been there, Francine. I mean, it was a father-son trip so if you had been there it would have ruined everything.

Stan Smith:
Oh, great. Now it's making a black tinkle out of the whoosie-whatter.

Roger:
[on the phone] Hello?

Klaus:
Roger, it's me. Jeff and Stan are at Jeff's father's house in North Carolina.

Roger:
Really?

Klaus:
Yes. Now, in return for this information, you must give me... [Roger hangs up]... nothing. If you had just waited for me to finish, you'd know I want nothing from you! [cries]

Stanley Smith:
Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait. It's a cheetah. CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world. [hugs bag of Cheetos.]

Stanley Smith:
Look, honey, I'll make you a deal, you don't marry Jeff, and I won't bake you a roofie cake and tie your fallopians in a square knot.

Roger:
If I can't make friends with Jeff face-to-face, I'll have to do it the way fat people do: over the internet.

Roger:
[after escaping from a burning barn] You know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?

Stanley Smith:
I think we did some sweet maneuvers from that movie Backdraft.

Roger:
I never saw Backdraft.

Stanley Smith:
Me either.

Stanley Smith:
We can't choose our fathers, but we can choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.

Jeff Fischer:
[Stan, Jeff and Henry are sitting around the kitchen table, having dinner] So Dad, Stan's a friend of mine from Langley Falls. I've got a pretty good life up there: I'm in charge of tire inflation at the bike shop.

Henry Fischer:
[sarcastically] Uh! Tire inflation? Oh, that is so great! Course, I'm not surprised: that's just the latest in a long list of achievements. I'm so proud of my son. In fact, this is the wall where I keep all his awards. [shows Stan an empty wall; then, still sarcastically, standing up] What? There's nothing there! Oh my God! They've been stolen! I better call the sheriff! [pretending to dial a number] We're gonna get to the bottom of this! It's ringing... Hello, Sheriff Perkins? Henry Fischer. Yes, yes, father of the illustrious Jeff Fischer. Someone has stolen all his awards. All of them! Must have been several strong men with a huge truck. What? What do you mean, Jeff's never won an award in his entire life? But if that were true, that would mean my son is a worthless piece of crap who never accomplished anything! Well, sir, I'm not gonna sit here while you say those awful things about my pride and joy! [hangs up the phone, then kneels down before a smiling Jeff] I promise you, son: I will not rest until I get every single ribbon, trophy and letter of commendation back on that wall! [salutes Jeff and leaves. Then enters again] I'm gonna go down to the bar, round up a posse. We'll get Charlie's dogs, close off the perimeter! You just sit there and keep on making me proud. [pretends to wipe off a tear, then leaves again]

Jeff Fischer:
[to Stan] Isn't he great?

Stanley Smith:
Great? Jeff, your dad is a humongous jerk!

Jeff Fischer:
No, he's just kidding around. He loves me. That's why he can never know what happened in Florida.

Stanley Smith:
Look, Jeff, no one wants to admit their dad is a bad guy, but...

Jeff Fischer:
Bad guy? Look who's talking! You're the one who tricked me and pretended to be my friend! My dad would never do anything that mean. [Henry comes back, still sarcastically speaking to Jeff]

Henry Fischer:
I need something for Charlie's dogs so they can pick up the scent. Do you have your high school diploma? No? They got that too? Oh, those monsters are gonna pay. [leaves]

Roger:
[inside the Mini Mart with Stan, both stoned] Stan. Do you feel lighter? I'm definitely getting lighter. I think I'm becoming immune to gravity.

Stanley Smith:
Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait! It's a cheetah! CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world! [hugs the bag of Cheetos he is holding. Roger cries off-screen]

Roger:
Why do my wrists hurt? [Stan sees Roger lying on the floor]

Stanley Smith:
Cause you're lying on them.

Roger:
How can you hear what I'm thinking? [Stan poses a lot of snack bags on the check-out counter and speaks to the cashier]

Stanley Smith:
Do you live here? Cause I could live here, this place is great! [looking at the bags] Hey, look! Someone picked out all my favorite stuff!

the Cashier:
That'll be... [Roger arrives to the check-out counter holding a Colonial cat food bag]

Roger:
And this!

Stanley Smith:
Cat food?

Roger:
If I hold this, I won't float away.

the Cashier:
That'll be $147.

Roger:
What? Where would... Where are we gonna get that type of cash?

Stanley Smith:
We can turn in Jeff!

Roger:
I thought Jeff was innocent.

Stanley Smith:
Uh! We gotta save Jeff!

Hayley Smith:
Jeff, you have mayo on your back.

David Boreanaz:
Hey Bones, look at this bone.

Emily Deschanel:
I know, but did you see this bone?

David Boreanaz:
Where'd you find that bone?

Emily Deschanel:
Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting here next to this bone.

Woman:
Dr. Brennan? Bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone?

Steve Smith:
I thought we hated gays.

Stan Smith:
Well, that was before I knew they came in Republican form.

Roger the Alien:
[excited about Stan's fancy new drink] Oh my god, what is this and how can I replace my blood with it?

Terry:
[yelling at Greg] Don't tell me you voted for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!

Steve Smith:
[to Francine] God, you can be so selfish! I'm doing this for me!

Stan Smith:
What the hell, Francine? This tastes like crap!

Francine Smith:
I know. I used to cook everything in oil containing trans fat, but since the new law, you can't get it anymore.

Stan Smith:
That's what trans fat is? The stuff that makes everything taste wonderful? Oh, why doesn't the city council just declare a war on flavor? Like the English did years ago!

Steve Smith:
Their food is atrocious.

Francine Smith:
I miss Lady Di.

Steve Smith:
She was the people's princess...

Stan Smith:
I know who she was, Steven!

Stan Smith:
When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.

Stan Smith:
Sweep low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe

Stan Smith:
[ In his new accent] In the future America gets taken over by Mexico and Canada

Stan Smith:
A great nation defeated by an army of gardeners and boring people

Francine Smith:
[ If believing she ripped up the contract Stan signed to become a robot] The refrigerator manual

Stan Smith:
I'm still Stan

Francine Smith:
I call malarky, Stan.

Amy:
I'm not gonna kiss you with my top on [ removes her shirt]

Amy:
[ Steve's alarm sounds]

Steve Smith:
No Amy! I have so much horniness to give!

Klaus:
[ They're communicating telepathically] Use the mental telepathy we share to take down Steve

Hayley Smith:
No, bring down Steve without our powers

Klaus:
Stick in the mud b*tch

Hayley Smith:
You know I can hear you

Klaus:
Yeah I'm pissed

Stan Smith:
Hi. We don't have a reservation, but I'm Stan Smith.

Maitre D' Green Bonneville:
Pf!

[Stan has taken General Peque?o shopping for new clothes]

Store Clerk:
[holding up his uniform] What do you want to do with this Rhythm Nation outfit?

Octopus:
[Roger pours sauce on its head] Eeeee!

Haylee Smith:
Klaus, What's wrong?

Klaus:
Oh, nothing, it's just... I haven't felt the touch of another person in six years!

Haylee Smith:
Oh, you poor thing. Here.

[picks him up]

Haylee Smith:
[Klaus is rubbing into her hands, trying to infect her with ich] Fish can't get herpes, can they?

Stan Smith:
[Roger has just walked in on Stan and his mother in the bath] What do you do when your mom's unhappy/Jerry's left her feeling crappy/sing her a shanty nice and snappy/wash her in the bathtub/wash... wash... wash your veejay, scrub, scrub, scrub your veejay/rinse... rinse, rinse your veejay/next we'll do your tushie/wash... wash... wash your tushie/scrub... scrub... scrub your tushie/rinse... rinse... rinse your tushie/we just did your tushie!

Francine Smith:
You've been sneaking out for the last 20 winters to ice skate? How come you've never told me?

Stan Smith:
How can you tell someone you love you're a monster?

Roger the alien:
She's as graceful as a frozen turd.

Avery Bullock:
Dick, I believe you're up.

Dick:
I don't have anything for show and tell. I just found out I have liver cancer.

Avery Bullock:
I'm giving you a zero for the day.

Stan Smith:
[after finding the photo of Roger in the paper] How did this happen?

Roger:
I have no idea. I leave the house in disguise, but six Rob Roys later, things happen that I can't be responsible for. Like buying this puzzle. Why the hell did I buy this puzzle? [begins tearing the nearly complete puzzle apart] I hate puppies! Get out of that tea cup! That cup is for tea!

[Roger and Stan pretend to meet for the first time at the CIA]

Roger:
What's your name?

Stan Smith:
[through clenched teeth] Stan.

Roger:
Hmm, I already know a 'Stan'. I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee. [Stan doesn't move] Today, Mortimer James! [turns to Bullock] I add his middle name when I'm disappointed in him.

Roger:
I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!

Avery Bullock:
Our Alien Task Force clearly needs some rejiggering. Ray, you're no longer in charge.

Ray:
Of what?

Avery Bullock:
The Alien Task Force.

Ray:
What the hell's that?

Avery Bullock:
The task force you've been in charge of!

Ray:
Oh. How did I do?

Avery Bullock:
I need a new team leader.

Jackson:
Sir, I'm your man. I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to just...

Stan Smith:
[to Bullock; pointing at Jackson] He told me he hates you.

Avery Bullock:
What? Jackson, is this true?

Jackson:
...Yes.

Avery Bullock:
Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me?

Stan Smith:
You're okay, I guess.

Avery Bullock:
Good, then you're the man for this job.

Stan Smith:
I just feel so violated by the fact that that thing was inside of me. It would mean a lot to me if I could have the first cut.

Avery Bullock:
All yours, Smith.

Roger:
[screaming] No! Don't put that mask on me! I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!

Stan Smith:
I'm doing what has to be done.

Roger:
[screams as Stan turns on the gas and is knocked out] Huh. He reversed the gas. Son of a b*tch Superman 2'ed me!

Roger:
Let's try that on the fart setting. [plays farty notes on keyboard] I don't know. It's funnier, but I think it takes out some of the tension...

Roger:
The arm is disbombed... Damn it.

Stan Smith:
I don't negotiate with terrorists.

The Snake:
Oh really? Have you ever bought a mattress?

Stan Smith:
Okay, you got me.

Stan Smith:
If you'd like to learn more about torture, follow an immigrant into your local police station.

Roger:
Talented, talented greaseball. From Ohio.

Roger the Alien:
You know, we can't all look like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies, Francine.

Hayley Smith:
[Stan shoots up the toaster the second it pops up] It's just toast, Dad.

Stanley Smith:
This time it was toast, Haley. THIS time.

Stanley Smith:
Osama, is that you?

Roger the Alien:
Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cause that's a giant load of crap.

Stanley Smith:
Hillary, look out for the mine! [Explosion]

Stanley Smith:
What did I say? You heard me, what did I say?

Steve Smith:
You said look out for the mine.

Stanley Smith:
I said look out for the mine.

Hayley Smith:
Ya know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies can come up with a fun new system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear!

Stanley Smith:
Do you like shaving your armpits, Hayley? 'Cause when the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!

Hayley Smith:
What do you know about Henry Kissinger?

Roger the Alien:
Well, I know he was a Jew, but if you get me some Churros, I can stretch that out to 500 words easy.

Roger the Alien:
Oh, no, not my Frankenberry! Oh, Francine, be reasonable! [he crashes through the table, sending breakfast items everywhere] Oh, great. I've got a bear claw in my ass.

Newspaper Headline:
Democratic Party Missing: Feared Dead

Hayley Smith:
You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.

Stanley Smith:
You know what I have to say to that?

[pauses]

Stanley Smith:
Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.

Stanley Smith:
Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.

[shouts]

Stanley Smith:
So look sharp!

Stanley Smith:
[picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.

Principal Lewis:
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.

Stanley Smith:
Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.

[starts chugging down pills]

Principal Lewis:
Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.

Stanley Smith:
I see.

[foam starts coming out of his mouth]

Stanley Smith:
Henry, antidote.

Stanley Smith:
Hey, boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!

Roger:
Ah, I love your religion - for the crazy! Virgin birth, water into wine; it's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

Roger:
Ascent! You're flying now! I hope I haven't missed the part where the three Chinese guys give perfume to the star baby. [laughs] It's like the diaries of a madman!

Stan Smith:
I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisys.

Stan Smith:
We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.

Jesus Christ:
What if we journey through Sector 16?

Stan Smith:
Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.

Jesus Christ:
Fine. What about Sector 35?

Stan Smith:
Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Stan Smith:
God pays twice as much attention on Christmas, like the media when a white kid goes missing.

Stan Smith:
It's raining wise men. Hallelujah.

Francine Smith:
Stan Smith... go to Heaven!

Jesus Christ:
Kneel before the Lord... punk.

Francine Smith:
[while watching everyone ascend] What's going on?

Father Donovan:
It's the Rapture. Turns out there really IS a God.

Stan Smith:
Once we were foes lockin a death struggle now he works for me. Stalin's up in heaven cryin' his eyes out.

Stan Smith:
Your mom's enthusiastic spending is exactly what Jesus had in mind when he invented capitalism.

Stan Smith:
Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads.

Steve Smith:
[ Roger bites off Stan's finger] Roger what'd you do that for! You already have the medal!

Roger:
I don't know, they did it in the movie, I mean if we're gonna go for it, go for it

Steve Smith:
[about Ronald Regan] But he's dead?

Stan Smith:
But not unreachable

Steve Smith:
Like Gandalf the Grey when it came back as Gandalf the White

Stan Smith:
Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads

Roger the Alien:
[ Roger is imitating Gollum] Masters wants to destroy it

Roger the Alien:
[ in his normal voice] You mean the medal?

Roger the Alien:
[ in his Gollum voice] We have to destroy masters

Roger the Alien:
[ in his normal voice] Say it, don't spray it and secondly I agree with you

Roger:
[ to Steve] I asked if you wanted drugs, I said it in a weird voice so your Dad wouldn't hear but now he has, you blew it

Roger:
[dressed in Ricky Spanish costume] Damn I look good in this. Tilda Swinton good.

Doctor Gupta:
When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."

Roger the Alien:
I've heard of that.

Doctor Gupta:
We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental procedure your insurance won't cover.

Stan Smith:
That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!

Doctor Gupta:
It's $178,000.

Stan Smith:
What if I don't need her to talk?

Roger the Alien:
Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter, but he'd never cheat on you.

Francine Smith:
It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash out 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes when you're on the floor with another girl, guys'll throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision!

[awkward pause]

Roger the Alien:
You got a best buddy? Can I be your second best buddy?

Stan Smith:
Let's see, how do I hang an air freshener on this? You are a total waste of space. I often dream of killing you. [inhales] Ah, Mountain Pine.

Wendie Jo Sperber:
Welcome to Best Buddiez, where you can whore your knowledge of your buddy for thousands of dollars!

Steve Smith:
Don't you have any feelings?

Stanley Smith:
Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

Newspaper Headline:
Economy Turns Corner, Falls Down Stairs

Father Donovan:
Look, according to the church there are no pets in heaven. Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children and apes who use sign language. Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs, your smart types and self-aware robots.

Roger the Alien:
Don't hurt me! I know it sounds cliche, but I mean you no harm!

Stanley Smith:
You're the alien? But they said you'd be bigger, and with claws.

Roger the Alien:
Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are. See? Kitty can scratch.

Avery Bullock:
Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority. Then we can track down the bastards that have been harboring it and punish them brutally. I mean, really brutally. Weird stuff. Butt stuff.

Stanley Smith:
[Stan is brushing his teeth, and breaks the toothbrush] Damn Chinese toothbrushes! You know, they can make a chicken taste like an orange, but when it comes to oral hygiene, they really phone it in.

Francine Smith:
We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?

Bullock:
Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

Roger the Alien:
God! Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay?

[phone rings, Hayley answers]

Hayley Smith:
Hello?

Roger the Alien:
Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?

Hayley Smith:
Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences?

Roger the Alien:
Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.

[Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way]

Stanley Smith:
Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all!

Hayley Smith:
Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Stanley Smith:
My butt is on the line!

Roger the Alien:
Well, that must be one massive line, 'cause your butt is huge!

Bullock:
Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority. Then we can track down the bastards that have been harboring it and punish them brutally. I mean, really brutally. Weird stuff. Butt stuff.

Stanley Smith:
Sorry I'm late, I was getting a piping-hot cup of coffee. It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man-mouth can take it.

Roger the Alien:
Hawaii... that's where Japan goes to play golf.

Klaus:
If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's g-string.

Roger the Alien:
I've waited my whole life to do this. The finger pyramid of evil contemplation. Feels good.

Roger the Alien:
So, were you serious about trading places?

Stan Smith:
Hey, you want to start a job, pay the bills, deal with everyone's problems? Be my guest. When it all gets too much for you, I'll be getting drunk up in the attic.

Stan Smith:
[watching games shows] This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?

Klaus:
An elevated blood-alcohol content.

Stan Smith:
There's something you should know about me by now, Roger: I don't learn lessons.

Roger the Alien:
Cops already? What, are we next door to a freakin' Krispy Kreme?

Roger:
Those chocodiles, oh my God, these chocodiles, oh my God, these chocodiles, oh my God!

Roger:
Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.

Stan Smith:
An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!

Stan Smith:
Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.

Roger the Alien:
You know what grenadine turns cold cola into? Roy Rogers! You know what grenadine turns warm cola into? You tell ME when I throw it in your face!

Dick:
You're a dead man, Smith! You are gonna die! I don't know where or when, but each of us has to go in our own time!

Jackson:
Is that even a threat?

Judge:
Order! Order! The gallery will refrain from shouting out existential truisms!

Francine Smith:
We're grandparents!

Stan Smith:
Steve was raped by a confused lesbian?

Steve Smith:
Gotta go put a popsicle on the ol' starfish.

Francine Smith:
Chocolate chip pancakes and chardonnay... the Delta Burke breakfast it is!

Steve Smith:
Ahw, what am I gonna to do?

Francine Smith:
Well, you have two options; You can fall apart like a b*tch punk in the street or you can Mark Zuckerberg this thing!

Steve Smith:
You think?

Francine Smith:
Yea, any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.

Francine Smith:
How's your French toast, honey?

Stanley Smith:
Smelly and ungrateful! But this "American toast" is fantastic!

Francine Smith:
How's everyone's French toast?

Stanley Smith:
Smelly and ungrateful! But this American toast is delicious.

[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out]

Roger the Alien:
Is that a Chinese baby?

Stanley Smith:
Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

[At her new stripping job, Hayley's parents stay to watch]

Stanley Smith:
Shake it, baby! You will not break it!

Francine Smith:
It took me nine months to make it!

Stanley Smith:
[holding a baby] One of us pooped.

[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]

Roger the Alien:
I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.

Steve Smith:
She never played a burn victim.

[Steve walks off]

Roger the Alien:
Oh, Meg, honey...

[Family is playing Scrabble]

Steve Smith:
Quivecs? That's not a word.

Roger the Alien:
It is on my planet!

Francine Smith:
Is it a proper noun?

[beat]

Roger the Alien:
Damn!

[rearranges letters]

Hayley Smith:
[At a party] Jeff you were so good at dinner.

Jeff:
Babe we're good together, which is why I was thinking you should move in with me.

Hayley Smith:
Woah it's only been three weeks and besides I don't think my dad would be too happy about that.

Jeff:
Babe your dad digs me, I can tell he wants us to be together [Two CIA agents Stan hired break into the house, stuff Hayley into a sack, and drive off with her in a helicopter]

Newspaper headline:
Optimist Drowns in Half-full Tub.

Francine Smith:
[lets out a long fart] Ahh... I've been holding that in since Jeopardy.

Mission Financier:
[Francine has quit on finding the squid] My brother Phillipe! We sold your bicycle shop in Paris to fund this mission! You are ruined!

Financier's Brother:
[Lights up a cigarette]... Life, eh?

Stan Smith:
Just because we're in Saudi Arabia doesn't mean it's not Wednesday! [Referring to Stan's obsession with the TV show "Lost"]

Stanley Smith:
Damnit! This is all Francine's fault! She could have started the wave of laughter. Laughter is contagious, like Small Pox or Gay!

Roger the Alien:
Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo, you make a glorious wine, and a handsome couple!

Stan Smith:
Ladies, ladies! You're both Mrs. Smith.

Francine Smith:
Stan, what the hell?

Stan Smith:
Surprise! I got us a second wife. You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her "Thundercat."

Hayley Smith:
Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes!

Steve Smith:
You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar.

Hayley Smith:
[sighs] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men.

Steve Smith:
And?

Hayley Smith:
And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity-sex with you, once.

Steve Smith:
Aww yeah!

Roger the Alien:
I need a drink. Where's the booze?

Hayley Smith:
There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.

Roger the Alien:
[pause] Seriously, where's the booze?

Francine Smith:
Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.

Stan Smith:
Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food. Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use their sandpapery toilet scrolls on my proud American button.

Stan Smith:
Francine, good news. I'm in charge of planning Bullock's party, which means you're in charge of planning Bullock's party.

Hayley Smith:
Bye, dad. We're going to see the new Michael Moore documentary.

Stan Smith:
Michael Moore... ? Oh, you mean Michael Bin Laden.

Steve Smith:
Come on, Hayley. You're going to the movies with Jeff, anyway. Just give me a ride.

Hayley Smith:
You know the rule.

Steve Smith:
[sighs] You're the most environmentally-conscious, self-actualized feminist in the world...

Hayley Smith:
And?

Steve Smith:
And I'm a douchebag.

Roger the Alien:
Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [drinks it] Mmmmmm... tastes like I might die.

Steve Smith:
[Steve is wandering through the Saudi Arabian Desert and is delirious]

Steve Smith:
OK, I'm cool. Whatever life throws at me I can handle. Because I, am a strong, independent black woman... I mean white teenager!

Francine Smith:
God, Hayley! I get it! I'm un-rapable, not stupid!

[Francine is preparing a tray of lemonade for Stan's meeting of the National Gun Association in the living room]

Hayley Smith:
I can't believe you're feeding those extremists from the National Gun Association. They're monsters!

Francine Smith:
Oh sweetheart don't be so dramatic. Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with mommy?

Hayley Smith:
I'm not "cooking with mommy!" Dad handcuffed me to the oven!

Francine Smith:
[stern] Well, if it weren't for handcuffs and your father you wouldn't even be here, young lady.

Roger the Alien:
I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.

Dr. Heisler:
[pointing to x-ray] See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out. You should be completely ambulatory again.

Stanley Smith:
[distraught] What good is that to a man who has to spend the rest of his life in a chair?

[stabs Stan in the leg with a fork]

Stanley Smith:
Aaaaaah! Doc, your fork has magical powers!

Dr. Heisler:
It's the bullet that saved you.

Stanley Smith:
This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!

Hayley Smith:
What?

Stanley Smith:
Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!

Stanley Smith:
[passing out after being shot] Hayley, tell Roger... he's annoying.

Roger:
I will not be a loser, I will stay on this phone as long as it takes. Steve, go get the diaper I sleep in after Indian food.

Cam:
I can not tell you guys how glad we are to have found you. The last couple we met was so boring.

Tom:
Well that's because they are so old, I mean they were like 40.

Steve Smith:
40, ha well Lois was he from that village in china where they live forever?

Steve Smith:
Get my tub of chalk. I'm gonna write some swear words in the driveway, blow off some steam.

Roger:
[after dressing up as a woman in revealing clothing in an attempt to win a sexual harrsament settlement] Huh, Probably Shouldn't have farted before I started that walk

Francine Smith:
Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!

Stan Smith:
My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!

Hayley Smith:
It's just a nose ring.

Stan Smith:
It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.

Francine Smith:
[to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche

Roger:
[Roger Begins his second attempt at his sexual harrasment suit by keeping a box of donuts between his legs] Hey, you looking for something glazed and bad for you?

Stan Smith:
If I had died in that crash today, who would remember me?

Francine Smith:
I would.

Stan Smith:
That's right. Nobody.

Future Museum Visitor:
[Looking up at a Statue of Stan] He died as he lived! In his house.

Francine Smith:
Anything for me?

Stanley Smith:
Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Francine Smith:
The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.

Klaus:
But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.

Roger the alien:
[gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!

Stanley Smith:
[his wife's roots are showing] Francine, looking at your hair, I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit.

Stanley Smith:
Francine, your roots are showing!

Francine Smith:
I know. My hairdresser lost his touch when he decided he was straight. Apparently, it *is* a choice.

Steve Smith:
[Giving advice to a fan] It's real easy. Just write something and it'll get published. Any idiot can do it.

Roger the alien:
It's not silly juice, it's necessary juice!

Roger the alien:
[Sees a Planet of the Apes ornament] This bust of Ben Stiller is hideous. But it's mine!

Klaus:
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made, for years my conduct has been largely benign and yet without provocation you have severed our d?tente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flame of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now... gooo and begin your life of fear, knowing, that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crush down upon you cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish.

Roger the Alien as Tearjerker:
Is there anything more terrifying than a hovering blimp?

[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]

Stanley Smith:
Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.

Francine Smith:
What is this about? Just look at that **** with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!

Stanley Smith:
Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!

Francine Smith:
[stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator? [irate] Oh I will ******* chop his head in two!

Stanley Smith:
Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...

Francine Smith:
...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.

Stanley Smith:
Of course! I assumed you did!

[both laugh hysterically]

Francine Smith:
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

[both turn and stare at Clooney]

Francine Smith:
You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

Stanley Smith:
Time for cake.

Klaus:
I get the piece with the rose on it. I called it. You heard.

Steve Smith:
Mom, cut me an end piece!

Hayley Smith:
How can you even think about eating that cake? Do you realize how many innocent cows were raped... or as you say "milked," to make that cake?

Stanley Smith:
Shut up, Hayley.

Roger the Alien:
I wish Francine would buy me something other than Coppola wine. Tastes like beard hair and Sofia sweat.

Francine Smith:
I have a new dream now. You wanna know what it is? You really wanna know?

Stanley Smith:
Eh.

Francine Smith:
My dream... is to destroy George Clooney. That arrogant, overrated, memo-writing bastard! He's not even an actor! He just does the same cheesy move every time. Looks down, then looks back up squinting underneath his eyebrows. And everybody's buying it! God, if I just had the chance. I know exactly how I'd bring him down. You see, Clooney's never fallen in love. It's always a fling here, a fling there. Well, I'd make him fall in love with *me*. And then I'd break his heart and watch him cry until his eyeballs bleed!

Stanley Smith:
Francine, I'm sorry, but that's the craziest most unsettling thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And we're totally gonna make it happen!

Raina:
As you can see, Mrs. Smith we are positioned directly across the street from Clooney's hotel.

Francine Smith:
Are they building a basketball court in his hotel room?

Raina:
Clooney has it written into all of his movie contracts.

Francine Smith:
What do the Coen brothers see in him?

[Francine punches her fist through a glass window]

Randy:
Isn't playing "Popcorn" fun?

Snot:
Something doesn't seem right here.

Steve Smith:
Yeah. At the very least we should've popped by now.

Randy:
I'm the salt. All kernels have to wrestle me to get salted.

Hayley Smith:
[to Stan] Overweight people have enough problems being disgusting without you making fun of them.

Hayley Smith:
Plus-sized women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and H?agen-Dazs.

Stan Smith:
[after learning to stuff food into his cheeks from an anorexic woman] Thank you Veronica you fat whore!

Debbie:
Life is a banquet, and death is... dessert.

Steve Smith:
She played Lady Macbeth in our school production of Oklahoma. Frankly, it was a mess, but our drama teacher finally got sober. Thank God!

Stanley Smith:
Guys, I can explain! I was lying to you!

The Ghost of Christmas Past:
Um, we're kind of in a hurry here.

Francine Smith:
I'm not going back to that filthy decade without any Purrel!

Donald Sutherland:
[Sutherland saying to a lady at a restaurant] You know, you should get involved in politics. Let's talk about it over drinks. Maybe at my place?

Stan Smith:
[Stan listening in to Sutherland's conversation] Let's talk about it over your brains. Maybe all over the place?

Donald Sutherland:
[Sutherland saying to a lady in a restaurant] You know, you should get involved in politics. Let's talk about it over drinks. Maybe at my place?

Stan Smith:
[Stan listening in to Sutherland's conversation] Let's talk about it over your brains. Maybe all over the place?

The Ghost of Christmas Past:
[reassessing her life] Shoulda married Chad...

The Ghost of Christmas Past:
I'm not going back to Tooth Fairy Duty, not after the way I quit! Did you know there's DNA in poo? 'Cos I didn't!

Snot:
Erm, I'm not trying to compare Dads. I'm just saying that yours is in his underwear swatting at invisible owls

Stan Smith:
[to a photo of George W. Bush] Who's going to take over when I'm enjoying a glorious Reagan-style slide into dementia? What do you think? You're the smartest person I know. I mean, I've always respected you, even when you were drinking and doing all that coke.

Stan Smith:
[driven mad by the tainted beef he's eating] You boys see these owls? [starting to swat at invisible owls] Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face, I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it! [starts to screech]

Steve Smith:
Okay, that's weird.

Snot:
You know, this would never have happened if we went to my house after school, but no!, you guys are too creeped out by my mom's wooden foot.

Stan Smith:
[to Francine] Just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator doesn't mean you know how it works.

[Klaus is riding on a model train]

Francine Smith:
Klaus, you got the train to work.

Klaus:
Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.

[everyone gasps]

Klaus:
No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.

[Roger enters wearing a festive sweater]

Roger:
Merry, merry everyone!

Hayley:
Wow, great sweater, Roger.

Roger:
[drunkenly] Thanks, I totally sniped it from a guy on eBay. I not only stole the sweater, I stole his holiday spirit and that made my holiday spirit grow stronger. Because, that's how it works, right? Like "Highlander"? There can be only one?

Stan Smith:
I don't know why Francine's so mad about me for always being right. I don't get mad at her for always being wrong. [pause] B*obs are holding up nicely for a gal her age, I'll say that.

God:
[playing with toy dinosaurs] These things rule. Why did I ever send them to Mars?

[Stan has gone to God to get a second chance]

God:
I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.

Stan Smith:
What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.

God:
Look, everything happens for a reason.

Stan Smith:
What reason could there be?

God:
Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.

Stan Smith:
What?

God:
[laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.

[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]

Stan Smith:
We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!

God:
Not gonna happen.

Stan Smith:
You have to!

God:
Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?

Stan Smith:
No. Yes. I don't know.

God:
Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.

Stan Smith:
I don't do that!

God:
Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I mean, I can't even think of a metaphor that's better than this. And I'm a published poet. Now, come on. Put it down.

Klaus:
Damn you, Hasbro!

McCreary:
You're familiar with the first line of "Genesis," right?

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman:
Well! I should say I am, sir, I should say I am!

McCreary:
Does this sound right? "In the beginning God created the Heavens and a transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs."

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman:
Oh, my god. I took a hit out on myself! and I probably charged it to me. Still... miles.

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman:
Rootie tootie, fresh and fruitie, I'm in a pile of doodie!

Avery Bullock:
You're a complicated man, Smith. I would love to do mushrooms with you.

Stan Smith:
So, uh, what do you think the CIA will do with the alien when you bring it in?

Shannon Sharpe:
Oh they're going to dissect him like a frog, like Kermit. That's probably my favorite frog.

Francine Smith:
Stan, I'm late for my period.

Stan Smith:
Maybe if you jump up and down... get things started.

Roger:
Uh yeah, Steve, I'm a professional film editor, I can do anything. Tyler Perry's movies are actually quite good before I get my hands on them.

Stan Smith:
I can't believe starving to death is how I'm going out. I thought for sure I'd shoot myself in my study.

Becky Arangino:
Hi, I'm Becky, cruise activities director.

Steve Smith:
I'm Steve. I have five friends on MySpace and I'm waiting on approval from a sixth.

Becky Arangino:
You're cute.

Steve Smith:
Oh, in a harmless little brother kind of way, right?

Becky Arangino:
[laughs] No. In an I've taken a lot of boys' virginity kind of way.

Steve Smith:
Dad, can we go to Graceland?

Stan Smith:
Steve, if you want to pay your respects to a fat man who died on the toilet, we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave.

Klaus:
There's an old German saying: "don't blame the fish." There are other sayings, but they, um, mostly involve genocide.

Steve Smith:
Becky, thanks for getting us this lifeboat. I mean, lifeboobs. Wait... no, no, I was right.

Francine Smith:
Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!

Steve Smith:
We could go skiing!

Stan Smith:
Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!

Francine Smith:
Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.

Steve Smith:
[pause] Did someone say skiing?

Francine Smith:
Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.

Stan Smith:
Kids, you want to play "20 Questions" until we die? I'm thinking of a person.

Steve Smith:
Ronald Reagan?

Stan Smith:
Damn!

Stan Smith:
I'm going to go check out the situation, and you guys can check out my ass as I walk away. I think you'll be pleased.

Roger:
[to the song Xanadu] Xanadu/can't cry on cue/now I am here/Xanadu [to an older lady] here you go, I talked to the chef, there's no cream in the soup like you asked [back to the song] Xanadu...

Francine Smith:
Roger's singing Olivia Newton-John on our cruise? Oh, this has goo written all over it!

Stan Smith:
[Hayley changes her mind about eating Becky] Hayley!

Hayley:
This won't be a problem. I've eaten macrobiotic burritos, I can do this.

Roger:
Small bills are in the safe, the rest are in my ass.

Francine Smith:
You don't want to be here after closing... that's when they come to life.

Principal Lewis:
ALWAYS bet on red!

Stan Smith:
We're going to their tepee in crap-hole Arizona.

Stanley Smith:
I'll be Admiral Finch from the 58th Flotilla, and you'll be Lady Constantina, my real estate agent and we'll promenade around the neighborhood delighting both young and old alike with our saucy banter.

Stanley Smith:
[after the family is infected with a virus, Roger is making plans to redecorate the house] What makes you so sure you're going to survive?

Roger the Alien:
Oh, my species is immune to all human ailments.

Stanley Smith:
So explain that cold sore.

Roger the Alien:
[shouts] Mind your own business!

Klaus:
[after Francine brings home a commission check that is bigger than Stan's paycheck] Oooh, it looks like you have been trumped by the earning power of your little house frau, mmmmm.

Stanley Smith:
You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?

Jackson:
Yeah, yeah - you need a vagina.

Jeff:
Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish I had one.

Kevin:
I used to work in real estate.

Stanley Smith:
What are you, gay?

Stanley Smith:
I was when I worked in real estate. Once I stopped selling houses, my sodomy cleared up like that.

Stanley Smith:
You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?

Newspaper Headline:
Stuff Happens As Wave of Ambiguity Spreads

Roger the Alien:
[the entire family will die, Roger is redecorating] I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?

[they stare blankly, insulted]

Roger the Alien:
'Cause, you know, I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all of the sad.

Steve Smith:
Pop, you need to eat. You're wasting away. You're doing a reverse Vince Vaughn.

Stan Smith:
You're too old to be playing with toys!

Steve Smith:
What? You're never too old to play! Using your imagination's a healthy way to escape reality for a spell.

Stan Smith:
No, that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

Stan Smith:
You know who else was a cockroach? Theo Huxtable's best friend.

[last lines]

Pedro:
Bye, have a beautiful time.

Stan Smith:
And by the way, father of the year here. This is how I wish I lost my virginity. Not to some coked-up airhead.

Steve Smith:
Didn't you lose your virginity to Mom?

Stan Smith:
Mm-hmm.

Steve Smith:
Anyway, I'm going to go hit the sack. Then I'll probably go to bed.

Stan Smith:
I was passed over for the Chavez assassination... again!

Roger the Alien:
[In front of Storage Unit] BEHOLD, my fortress of solitude.

Stan Smith:
[whistle] Impressive.

Fat Guy:
Afternoon, Sotineers. Strawberry Coors, it something I invented, I take a regular Coors and I drink it through a twizzler, you see.

Stan Smith:
I really Like your roommate.

[Roger opens his storage slightly and rolls through opening]

Stan Smith:
Nice touch, with the rolling. Don't want open the door too wide, and let disability check Dan there, See your... [in awed my Roger's slightly damaged spacecraft] fortress of solitude. Oh, good lord, it's real.

Roger the Alien:
You know Stan, it's too bad. I actually liked Francine, the rest of them can suck it, but Francine I hate to see die. [climbs into his ship]

Stan Smith:
[Nervously] Roger, we... we joke a lot, me and you. But you know, that deep, deep in my heart, I've always loved...

Roger the Alien:
TOO LATE STAN! YOU'VE SEALED YOUR FATE AND NOW... [Roge press a button, and nothing happens] Something's wrong. What the? Why isn't this [ Roger frequently press a lot of random button]

Stan Smith:
[discovers a note taped behind the craft's review mirror and then read it out loud] "Dear human who discover, this wreck please disregard it. We crash this ship into your planet to test new safety features, because we care about our customers. The alien inside, is merely a crash test dummy who most likely died within impact."

Roger the Alien:
Crash test dummy? But they told me...

Stan Smith:
AH HA HA, the decider, that is classic I am loving this, [laughs hysterically]

Roger the Alien:
No, no this can't be.

Fat Guy:
Excuse me, gentlemen. If I just found out I am the Limburg baby, whom do I tell?

Roger:
You think this fake detective agency with real cases in a pretend office in your father's garage is a joke?

Stan Smith:
I've never slept with anyone except you. But you... you have a sex garden that was on the cover of Sex Garden magazine.

Francine Smith:
Oh, is that what this is about? My past? Stan, that was just sex. Sex without love is meaningless.

Stan Smith:
Francine, I'm listening to you talk, I'm looking in your eyes, but all I can see is you taking more poundings than Omaha Beach before the ground assault began.

Snot Lonstein:
Hey, Steve. It's Thursday night, which means it's time to tease some pedophiles on the Internet.

Barry Robinson:
An insurance salesman in Ohio wants to fly me to Disneyland.

Joanna:
Oh, a wedding. Lots of guys are afraid of commitment.

Stan Smith:
I'm not. I'll commit to anything. I'm on a six-year cell phone plan.

Joanna:
I've a 14-year gym membership.

Stan Smith:
I have a lifetime subscription to Ebony. Checked the wrong box. Not giving it up.

Evil Barry:
Yes, Francine's first on my list. My list to kill! My name is Barry.

[last lines]

Stan Smith:
Man, I'm getting hungry. Hey, let's go dig up your mother so she can make us breakfast!

Barry:
Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.

Stan Smith:
Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!

Stan Smith:
[about Barry] Careful, Steve! He's as mad as he is fat!

Steve Smith:
Hey, that's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate. You can't touch that! You know how much that'll be worth in a few months when she's dead?

Stan Smith:
Oh, you're off the hook, Steve. I know you never bought into the whole Nicaraguans-Russians-and-Cubans-invading-Colorado thing. Besides, I've got Barry now. I don't need you... per se.

Steve Smith:
You don't need me?

Stan Smith:
Per se, Steve. Geez, doesn't anyone appreciate Latin anymore?

Barry:
Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. [gives Steve the doormat]

Stan Smith:
Great, it's the fat one.

Steve Smith:
That's a doormat, Barry.

Barry:
Who's Matt Barry?

Stan Smith:
God, I hate you so much!

Steve Smith:
Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?

Francine Smith:
If it's okay with his parents.

Barry:
Oh, they won't care. They never care.

Stan Smith:
Good people. My kind of people.

[Barry's watch beeps]

Barry:
Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?

Stan Smith:
Fatty can use the garden hose!

Stan Smith:
Hey, Donny, tell my son about the guy who tried to sneak a lipstick camera past the XR-21.

Donny:
[reluctantly] I accidentally shot him.

Stan Smith:
Yeah you did! It's called "justice," and it was hilarious!

Stan Smith:
Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?" [laughs] Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.

Steve Smith:
Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint? Yeah, I'd rather die

[Barry's watch beeps]

Barry:
Time for my vitamin! [Realizes he ran out of them] I should run home and get more.

Stan Smith:
You don't need those. Your little candy pills won't make you live forever, will they? [seriously] Will they?

Barry:
[after farting on Steve who he orders to sleep under his own bed] That should be with you momentarily.

Snot:
We had to do it, Steve... you were out of control.

Barry:
Like my cholesterol!