Aqua Teen Hunger Force

[repeated line]

Master Shake:
That's what it does!

Master Shake:
You're both yo-yos. Shut up ya yo-yos.

Ignignokt:
The innocent shall suffer - big time.

Master Shake:
You're about to not have a mouth! And I mean it! I'LL RIP IT OFF!

Carl:
You think you're gonna live forever, but you won't. Someone'll kill ya. Someone'll kill ya with a knife.

Master Shake:
I wasn't born yesterday, you know - I've seen movies.

[his first line of the series]

Carl:
What happened to my friggin' car?

Meatwad:
[In front of a closet that has a sign that says "WARNING! DO NOT ENTER!] Carl, in here, no one won't ever think to look in here. [Opens the door to reveal a pink intestinal-like surface with a gaping black hole] No one won't ever want to get near here.

Carl:
You, uh, you sure about this?

Meatwad:
Aww, just do it. [Master Shake pushes Carl in and closes the door. A second later, the door opens up again, and Carl comes flying out of the closet screaming]

Meatwad:
Whoops, my bad.

Frylock:
[angrily closing the door] I told y'all: this closet is not to be opened, it is a horrible horrible place in there!

Meatwad:
Well there's a knob there.

Frylock:
Why do you think I put the sign there? You think I was being cute?

Meatwad:
I don't know.

Master Shake:
Ding dong! The dick is dead Carl!

Frylock:
[on the Plutonian spaceship] Which one of these buttons beams me out of here?

Oglethorpe:
Those buttons are red! YOU'LL DESTROY US ALL! [Frylock presses a button and party music plays while balloons and confetti fall out of the ceiling]

Emory:
Alright, party time.

Oglethorpe:
Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! [Frylock presses some more buttons until Master Shake beams in]

Master Shake:
Hey! Happy birthday! Who's the lucky boy?

Frylock:
SHAKE! How'd you get in this beam?

Master Shake:
Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do!

Frylock:
I'm outta here.

Master Shake:
[Frylock is about to revive Carl, whose body has been recreated from a mass of eyeballs] What a minute. Before you turn him on - do you think he'll be able to be able to see us?

Frylock:
In ways you can only imagine.

Master Shake:
But look, I mean - is he going to be able to chase us? 'Cause if I woke up lookin' like that, I would just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.

Master Shake:
Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get them.

Master Shake:
Animal sex? Don't have time for that, man!

Meatwad:
Hey, Frylock...

Frylock:
What?

Meatwad:
ASS. [giggles]

Frylock:
MEATWAD!

Frylock:
You know I'm further my education online? Learn How To Be A Surgeon?

Carl:
Write yourself a prescription for shutting the f*** up.

[repeated line]

Carl:
Tonight!

[repeated line]

Frylock:
Damn it, Shake!

Master Shake:
Dancing is forbidden!

Frylock:
He's like a damn worm, man! He's got no brain. You cut him up and he'll multiply.

Master Shake:
Wait a minute... Do you mean like in Tremors?

Frylock:
Yeah. Sure. Exactly like in Tremors.

Master Shake:
[Tremors theme starts playing] Get off the ground! He feels the vibrations! You can float, go get me food!

Meatwad:
[about the movie Three Men And A Baby] I didn't like the men in that, but I liked the baby.

One Hundred:
Can I at least take her into the woods, rape her and behead her, possibly not even in that order?

Frylock:
Allen! You can suck my fry dick! You son of a b*tch! Kiss my balls, lick the juice from my a**hole, you f***ing f*** f*** face! You fat bastard! You hear me, b*tch! Huh? Come down here, you sucking f*** suck gay ass motherf***er!

Meatwad:
Dang, man.

Major Shake-replicant:
So, these Plutonians, they're real dumb.

Frylock:
Yeah.

Major Shake-replicant:
Like, this one times, they wanted to erase this guy's mind, but they didn't want to hock up the cash for the Mind Obliteration Gun. As if one even existed...

Frylock:
It doesn't?

[after a replicant of Shake stole and wrecked Carl's car]

Frylock:
So, did they ever find your car?

Carl:
Oh, they found part of it, hangin' from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah, the cops said he had a straw-like protrusion and a cup-like body. You know anybody like that?

Frylock:
Well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens this morning.

Carl:
Oh, I knew that. Sure.

Frylock:
No, seriously, he was.

[pause]

Carl:
I hate you.

Dr. Weird:
Gentleman! Chop off my head with such velocity, that my blood will rocket through my neck and propel my lifeless body all the way to Phoenix!

Steve:
Wow. Ah heh. Eh, what's in Phoenix?

Dr. Weird:
Why, it's your momma, Steve! Get the axe!

[Master Shake is being held hostage by the Plutonians]

Emory:
Hey, Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy?

Oglethorpe:
I'm starting to.

Emory:
And how annoying he was?

Oglethorpe:
Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines.

Emory:
So, uh, what were we gonna do with him?

[pause]

Oglethorpe:
We will use him for the armies... of the night!

Emory:
But I thought we were gonna use the replicant for an army of the night...

Oglethorpe:
Different armies, dorkface.

Oglethorpe:
Imprison him within the rings!

[Spinning laser rings drop from the ceiling and encircle Master Shake]

Oglethorpe:
You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half!

[Master Shake reaches through the rings and answers the phone]

Master Shake:
[into phone] Y'ello.

Oglethorpe:
The laser rings!

Master Shake:
Look brother, these ain't nothing but disco lights.

Emory:
No, the installer said that they were prison laser rings and I... I believed him.

Oglethorpe:
Don't listen to him, for he is a witch!

Master Shake:
Look, there's somebody on the phone, alright? I gotta go.

Oglethorpe:
Oh, well give it to us, before you possess us with one of your spells.

Emory:
What should we do with the prisoner?

Oglethorpe:
We shall ask the great Orbnauticus!

[a mirrored disco ball decends from the ceiling]

Oglethorpe:
Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use?

[no answer]

Emory:
Maybe he's just sleeping...

Oglethorpe:
SILENCE! Do not insult Orbnauticus, or you will be damned forever to the Forbidden Zone!

Emory:
Well, maybe we should call the installer. I mean, he's the same guy that did the laser rings.

[Orbiting the Earth when preparing to invade:
]

Oglethorpe:
Look at it. Orbiting there, like it's so cool!

Oglethorpe:
You see how my mind works? It's like a laser.

Major Shake-replicant:
[sitting with Frylock at the computer having a webcam chat with Oglethorpe and Emory] Hey guys.

Oglethorpe:
Oh, look if it isn't our good friend Major Shake!

Major Shake-replicant:
Guys, they know. They know I'm a replicant.

Oglethorpe:
Oh, sure! Ok then, keep on with the mission

Major Shake-replicant:
[cuts him off] What mission? You haven't told me anything!

Oglethorpe:
Well, you know, keep it up! [ends conversation]

Frylock:
Did he not just see me sitting here with you?

Major Shake-replicant:
Yeah, he probably did. It'll just take him a minute to realize it. They're... they're real stupid.

Oglethorpe:
[back on ship] Oh, dammit! That was that man... the fry man!

Meatwad:
Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock?

Frylock:
Yeah. It sure is, Meatwad.

Master Shake:
[the Aqua Teens are singing hymns] Why are we doing this?

Frylock:
Because I want to join the church up the street, and Meatwad needs to learn some morals and values!

Master Shake:
Look at him and tell me there's a God.

Meatwad:
He made me in his own image.

Master Shake:
Oh yeah, that's right. God's a big meatball! I forgot!

Meatwad:
He is.

Master Shake:
Does he stink like you do?

Frylock:
So, how were you made? Were you cloned from Shake's DNA?

Major Shake-replicant:
Are you kidding? They gave me his photo, threw me in a pizza oven, called it a "pod" and told me to "wing it" and that it would be cool and that it would work and clearly it didn't.

Frylock:
Hm, I think I've met those guys before. They're not exactly intelligent.

Major Shake-replicant:
Gee, could you tell by the giant hairy bosoms that are growing on my back?

Frylock:
He needs his brain or else he's just going to float around saying 'do what now.'

Meatwad:
Do what now?

[after returning from another dimension with enormous hands]

Carl:
Well, that was fun. I'm gonna take a nap now, and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals.

[Carl's pool is decorated with neon lights and flame-paint]

Carl:
Oh, sweet nectar. This pool is freakin' sweet. It's like I'm tearin' ass around the back yard but I'm standin' totally still! Yeah, still waters run deep.

Master Shake:
Whoa, Carl! That is tricked-out, my friend! Turbo!

Carl:
You stay away from it. Because you are weird.

[Balloonenstein, a huge balloon is causing an electric storm in the sea. Frylock and Meatwad are trying to destroy it]

Frylock:
Look. I need to remove your brain so I can create a cavity in you so you can float. Then all I need you to do is roll around in this broken glass for a little bit.

[innocent grin]

Frylock:
C'mon, it'll be fun!

Meatwad:
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Hell, no!

[Frylock removes his brain]

Meatwad:
Oh. I mean, okay!

Meatwad:
Squirely!

Meatwad:
[sending Master Shake to the supermarket] You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too. Or your fate is sealed.

Carl:
Hey, Fryman. I found this Post-It note on the curb for me. "Thanks for car. M.S."

Frylock:
Ah, man.

Carl:
Yeah.

Frylock:
Well, I'm sure Shake'll bring it back.

Carl:
Ya think? That'd be so thoughtful.

Master Shake:
[to Frylock] You're black, right?

[long pause]

Master Shake:
You sound black!

Carl Brutananadilewski:
[pointing to his property line] See this? This line here? Line of death. You cross it, and your freedoms no longer exist. M'kay? Have a nice day.

Meatwad:
Hell no, that sumbitch had an axe!

Master Shake:
Who are you?... What is this?

The Voice:
It is the Broodwich, forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre, baked by Beelzebub, slathered with mayonnaise beaten from the evil eggs of dark chicken forced into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman, cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow, layered with six-hundred and sixty-six separate meats from an animal which has maggots for blood!

Frylock:
[long pause] See... told ya.

Master Shake:
I tasted mustard.

The Voice:
Yeah... DIJON mustard!

Master Shake:
[to Frylock] Why does everything have to be a federal case with you?

Master Shake:
I haven't paid taxes in six years, and I'm not getting busted by a damn sandwich.

Master Shake:
Well, how come no bacon?

The Voice:
Bacon is extra.

Master Shake:
You call this a sandwich, you don't have bacon on it?

The Voice:
There are no swine evil enough to sacrifice upon a bed of EVIL! [pause] And lettuce. [longer pause] BED OF EVIL AND LETTUCE!

Master Shake:
Don't you touch those! They're in mint condition, and they're gonna stay that way!

Meatwad:
I'll touch 'em all the way to the trash can is what I'll do...

Master Shake:
You touch those and your G.I. Joes are gonna be M.I.A. my friend! and then who's gonna call Little Momma Joe, to tell her that her boy ain't coming home? Cause SOMEBODY was asleep on guard duty!

Frylock:
[after Shake has dug up half the yard] I told you, fourteen inches!

Master Shake:
You tell me a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I have to listen.

Master Shake:
I must say... bacon aside, this is the best damn sandwich I've ever had in my life.

Master Shake:
Are you the guy that keeps telling me to beware? 'Cause I'll tell you where to be... out of my sight!

Frylock:
That's... the Broodwich!

Meatwad:
The boob witch?

Frylock:
No no, Meatwad, the Broodwich, the Broodwich!

Meatwad:
Wait... wait, say what?

Frylock:
Broodwich!

Meatwad:
The Blair Witch is here?

Frylock:
No no, the Broodwich!

Master Shake:
I'll tell you what it is, friends... it's shut up and let me eat it.

The Voice:
[confetti falls as ecstatic music plays] CONGRATULATIONS! You've passed the test! You've landed on the last temptation of the Broodwich!

Master Shake:
Really? What do I win?

Master Shake:
[the prize is a skeleton wife] Hell no, I'm not marrying this bag of bones!

The Voice:
Seriously?

Master Shake:
Yes. Seriously.

The Voice:
[pause, then music and confetti] Allllright, congratulations! I know I that said the last one was it, but THAT was the last temptation of the Broodwich! You passed again! You're something else!

Master Shake:
Yes, I am! What do I win now?

The Voice:
FREE BRAIN SURGERY!

Master Shake:
NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, BABY! Hey, wait a minute...

The Voice:
[Shake is lobotomized and drooling] Now eat 'em!

Frylock:
Shake, get rid of the damn sandwich. If you keep it here, you're gonna eat it, then you're gonna die.

Master Shake:
No I won't. I don't need a stupid sandwich. I don't need a sandwich... I need this ladder. Excuse me please.

[climbs up ladder to sandwich]

Master Shake:
I'm not gonna eat the whole thing.

[teleports to some guy with an axe]

Master Shake:
See?

[the guy starts to swing his axe]

Master Shake:
Oh God!

[teleports back home]

Master Shake:
Okay, look. This is irritating.

Frylock:
I read a very disturbing article about this sandwich. In... [falters]... the Bible.

The Voice:
No. You probably saw a piece in Vogue.

Frylock:
I doubt it. I don't... I don't read that.

The Voice:
Heidi Klum was on the cover. You know, the "Broodwich" issue!

Frylock:
[sighs]... Okay, yes. It was Vogue.

Master Shake:
[chuckling] You read all this in VOGUE?

The Voice:
Our PR department is awesome!

Master Shake:
That's a GIRL magazine! I hope you were at the dentist, Frylock!

Frylock:
It just comes to the house! I don't...

Master Shake:
[laughing] Of course it comes! [screaming] WHEN YOU ORDER IT, YOU BIG FAT LADY!

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen: There's a chance, THIS will work!

Steve:
Uhhh... actually, you said there's NO chance this would work.

Dr. Weird:
[looks over to see himself hooked up to a vat of BBQ sauce]... FOOL! That will never work!

Master Shake:
Are you the guys tellin' me to beware, because I'll tell you where to be.

Frylock:
Oh my god, that's no ordinary sandwich Shake!

Master Shake:
Oh my god, oh my... do you ever have anything good to say, it's a free sandwich!

Frylock:
it's not a sandwich at all Shake... it's the Broodwich.

Master Shake:
[Meatwad flashes back from the Broodwich realm] Hey! How'd you like Mr. Sticks? He was a real treat wasn't he?

Meatwad:
Yeah Jerry says you guys had a little run in, but he's a decent guy once you get to know him.

Master Shake:
*Bullcrap!* I know that guy was all over you with his axe!

Meatwad:
Nah, that don't sound like Jerry. Now the Jerry I know took me to Merry Christmas.

Meatwad:
[pause] Which is a strip club! Merry Triple-X-mas... you see what I'm sayin'? You see what I'm sayin'?

Master Shake:
Gimme that sandwich!

[gobbles the Broodwich and disappears]

Frylock:
Wow, so you're saying it was fun?

Meatwad:
Hell no! That sumbitch had an axe!

Carl:
Look, all I know is that this cord was plugged into my house and your house was glowing like the freakin' sun. So, I put two and two together there and decided that you're pissing me off.

Master Shake:
Oh, we are so sorry, Carl. And it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back?

Carl:
No, no. I'll just keep it there since it's uh, mine anyways.

Carl:
[to Shake] I put two and two together, and decided that you're pissing me off.

[Mothmonsterman has strung Carl up in a silk cocoon]

Frylock:
What did you do to Carl?

Mothmonsterman:
Oh, yeah, I laid my eggs in his esophagus. You know, I gotta propagate my species and... he's being a real baby about it.

Frylock:
It's not Dracula, it's just a damn school bus!

[repeated line]

Master Shake:
Well... Dracula called, and he's coming tonight for you, and I said okay.

Master Shake:
[answering phone] Hellooo.

Mothmonsterman:
Yeah, why did you throw molding at me?

Master Shake:
What do you want from me?

Mothmonsterman:
I want the light turned on.

Master Shake:
[shouts] I don't have the blood you crave!

[Shake starts sobbing]

Mothmonsterman:
Blood... ah... chch... No, I don't want the blood. I really want to see the light turned on, alright? Now, if I don't have it on by nightfall...

[honks bus horn]

Mothmonsterman:
I'm gonna lay on this horn... bigtime, alright? Then I will probably call you back.

Master Shake:
To suck my blood?

Mothmonsterman:
Yyyeah... Sure.

Meatwad:
I hear the sounds of wings on the roof. It's the Tooth Fairy.

Master Shake:
What, is she coming for your one tooth? She won't, since I'm gonna kick it outta your head while you're asleep.

[Meatwad starts crying]

Meatwad:
Hey, which one of y'all left the door open?...

[pauses]

Meatwad:
...And tore it off the hinges, and threw it in the yard?

Mothmonsterman:
[the Teens come home to find Mothmonsterman on thier couch watching TV] Oh hey. Where you guys been?

Master Shake:
[angrily] Memphis.

Mothmonsterman:
Really?

Master Shake:
Yes!

Mothmonsterman:
That's awesome! How was it?

Master Shake:
[suddenly friendly] Oh it was great! They light up the bridge, and we had fried catfish.

Meatwad:
When did you have fried catfish?

Meatwad:
It's the tooth fairy, tryin' to beat it's way in!

[Meatwad has etched a note into the side of Carl's house]

Meatwad:
[narrating] Dear Carl: Thank you in advance for feeding my dolls while we out in Panama City, scaring up venture capital money for my stand-up comedy tour "Meatwad Unplugged: No Buns Allowed." And also... we also getting a tan. Now remember, Dewey and Vanessa won't eat anything but chicken chow-mein noodles, and you know Boxy. He'll eat anything as long as it's deep-fried. They need to be walked twice a day, and be sure to pick up their doll droppings, you get a fine from the city. Thanks again. Sorry about the house, big guy. Sincerely, Meatwad.

Carl:
Alright... what the f**k does this say?

Carl:
Heh heh heh HEYYYYYYYY! Guess who this is?

Donna Bryson:
[drowsily] H... hello?

Carl:
Haha, that's what your mom said. BEFORE I SHAVED HER BACK! Hahahhaaaa... yeah... no, actually, I did talk to your mom, and she said to call you.

Donna Bryson:
Oh... okay, well... do you know what time it is?

Carl:
Yeah, I keep the blinds closed, so it's kinda disorienting. But you know, I don't want the government in my business.

Donna Bryson:
It's two in the morning.

Carl:
Awww, it's my bedtime! C'mon, what happened to the Donna I remember? The one who KNEW how to party BACK IN '81?...

Donna Bryson:
...oh... yeah... you're... that guy... with...

Carl:
[desperately] Oh, come on... it's Carl! Class of '81!

Donna Bryson:
Oh... okay...

Carl:
Well, I wasn't there for long. That place was a scam! I left it in the dust. But enough about me, Donna... you, uh, still got that cleavage?...

[lovingly strokes her breasts on the yearbook page]

Carl:
Heh heh heh heh... still, uh, SMUGGLING, UH, BALLOONS?... WHEREVER YOU GO?... heh heh heh heh... Where are you now?

Carl:
[click, dial tone] Hello?...

[long, uncomfortable pause as he glances nervously down at Meatwad's dolls]

Carl:
Yeah, well, uh, maybe you shouldn't, uh, BOOTY CALL ME when I've got guests here! Ohhhh, God, she is so horny for me. Alright, that's the last of the W's. There's a "Z" left but, ugh, got that unibrow... eh, screw it, look up Zambrano. Normally I wouldn't do a fat chick from the flag corps, but uh... IT IS A NEW ERA! Heh heh heh heh...

[softly]

Carl:
...of loneliness...

[weakly]

Carl:
...Oh, God.

[Master Shake is staring at Randy's Tentacles]

Randy the Astonishing:
What, you see something you like down there?

[Meatwad works for the circus by turning into an igloo and a hot dog for the crowd]

Carl:
Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers?

Randy the Astonishing:
Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself.

Carl:
Yeah, well you give me back my $2.50. Because I ain't paying for something that happens every day on the hood of my car!

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen! Behold!... Corn!

Steve:
[pretending to be surprised] Okaaay... you know, this is pretty nice! Yeah, I am kinda hungry...

Dr. Weird:
Good! Then let the mating BEGIN! Mwahahahahah!

[the corn punctures Steve and pins him to the wall]

Meatwad:
It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, whether you're white, black, or Sasquatch, even. As long as you follow your dream, no matter how crazy or against the law it is... except for Sasquatch. If you're Sasquatch, the rules are different.

Carl:
Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week to throw my money away. That's wasteful. These bills are strictly for me to kiss... and put in some stripper's underwear.

Randy the Astonishing:
You ever thought about being weird... for a living?

Young Carl:
[flashback to when Carl was a child and received carpet as a Christmas present] Hey! It's like a magic flying carpet, here. Look at this! I'm flying around in Egypt land!

Carl's Dad:
Yeah, cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause it's about to be magic flying dinner.

Young Carl:
You can't eat carpet, silly daddy.

Carl's Dad:
No, of course you can't, like that. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.

Dr. Weird:
Run fat boy! Run!

Robot:
Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks.

Frylock:
No, no, that's all right. I think I can wait for it.

Shake:
Well, I'M going to get food.

Robot:
THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.

Frylock:
Well, that still doesn't tell me why you...

Robot:
I'm not finished. YOU should have gotten a snack. A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train, " but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way.

Meatwad:
Boy, this IS a long story. Maybe I WILL get something to eat.

Carl:
Yeah, I think I'm gonna get drunk while I listen.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Thousands of years ago, before Sigourney Weaver...

Robot:
[referring to new neighbor, Glenn Danzig] I cannot live with that guy. He is so annoying, he is so frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt.

Master Shake:
You make our house bleed, right now!

Carl:
I'm not going to get humped by a giant red gorilla in space, okay? No thank you.

Glenn Danzig:
Now, uh, is there a way to get the blood to flow up the walls?

Robot:
I don't see why not.

Master Shake:
[soft music plays] Baby, I want us to grow old together. Have babies - BABY. One. One baby. I hate kids. But I know you love 'em. But alright, I'll let you out of your box to feed 'em. Or maybe we could just cut some holes in the box. You read me baby? Hey, come over here... [she obliges]... All right. Now fellate me, as I eat this expensive ham. [woman slaps him]

Master Shake:
Ding dong, the dick is dead, Carl!

Meatwad:
Hey y'all, look at this! Just rip it and win! [rips the bottom off his cup, spilling soda everywhere]

Frylock:
Oh what'd you win Meatwad?

Meatwad:
[holding the bottom of his cup excitedly] 20 cents off my next Wasabi fries, all right! You see, they fill the fries with wasabi sauce through hot tubs of meat...

Frylock:
[impatiently] I know Meatwad, I know! I saw the ad too.

Meatwad:
Yeah, and they're good too!

Frylock:
Yeah, I'm sure they're not.

Meatwad:
[to Mastershake] Do yours, rip it and win!

Master Shake:
[knocks over his 85-gallon cup of soda, which sends Meatwad flying out of the shot. He then rips off the bottom of his cup] 20 cents off the next order of wasabi fries!

Meatwad:
You see, they fill the french fry up with wasabi sauce, and...

Master Shake:
Yeah, we know ok? We know!

Meatwad:
See what you win Carl!

Carl:
[rips off the bottom of his cup and reads slowly] Uh... tonight you will get your dick ripped off. [pauses] That doesn't sound right does it?

Commerical Voiceover:
[a Wongburger commercial is being shown on Master Shake's television] Just grab the bottom of the cup, rip it and win! [rips off the bottom of the cup and soda pours out] Prizes include a new car, or a discount on teriyaki fries! At Wongburger's, when it's right, it's Wong! [spoken quickly as a crawl runs quickly on the screen] Some customers may get their d*cks ripped off.

Carl:
Right there! Right there, did you hear that?

Meatwad:
Yeah, about them teriyaki fries?

Carl:
No no no no no, the last part, the low fast part! Rewind, go back!

Meatwad:
We ain't got no Tivo, see.

Master Shake:
That was live Carl.

Meatwad:
But we can still go back, with power of imagination!

Master Shake:
I like the way you're thinking, go get your puppets!

Meatwad:
Okay. [leaves]

Master Shake:
This is gold! [Meatwad takes a few minutes to get his puppets, and Carl, Master Shake, and Frylock exchange glances while music from the TV plays until Meatwad returns with a pair of crude puppets made from a sock and an oven mitt] Alright, let's go.

Meatwad:
[with the puppets] Just grab the bottom of the cup, rip it and win! Prizes include a new car, or a discount on teriyaki fries! At Wongburger's, when it's right, it's Wong! [pauses, than says quickly] Some customers may get their d*cks ripped off.

Carl:
I friggin knew he said that! I KNEW he said that!

Meatwad:
What, about the teriyaki fries?

Frylock:
Hang on hang on hang on. I have a better plan. Meatwad, you've got a big dick right?

Meatwad:
Oh yeah, huge. But I need it... [smiles devilishly]... for tonight!

Frylock:
But it's detachable, and that helps us!

Master Shake:
[angrily] No! No way I am having a dick made of hamburger!

Frylock:
I'm not giving it to you!

Master Shake:
Good! Cuz I don't need it! Cuz I'm HUGE... between the legs!

Meatwad:
Who wants to see my dick? [sounds of meat being pressed together are heard, while Frylock, Master Shake, and Carl bug their eyes out] See, Dick Nixon! [Meatwad has transformed into a statue of Abraham Lincoln holding a sword] Ol' Tricky Dick!

Rice Henchmen:
You don't think they're "dicking around" over there do you?

Mr. Wongburger:
I doubt it. They're professional dick hunters. They crave dick... as we all do.

Frylock:
[opens door to reveal two rice henchmen] Can I help you?

Rice Henchmen:
Yes you can! [he and other henchmen perform dance to oriental music]

Frylock:
You're from Wong's aren't you?

Rice Henchmen:
Yes I am! So, who's gonna to get their dick ripped off tonight?

Rice Henchmen:
One in three chance of getting your dick ripped off!

Frylock:
[wearing a surgical mask] You can get up now Carl, I think we're done.

Carl:
[moaning] Oh man...

Frylock:
Feel alright?

Carl:
Where'd you get these painkillers from? They're awesome!

Frylock:
Yeah maybe you should... just like... use pills forever.

Carl:
[the camera zooms up Carl's body, revealing him to be looking in a mirror while dressed in women's clothing, wearing nails and a wig, and with a scar near his forehead while sexy music plays] Yeah you're right. This was a very bad idea.

Master Shake:
Hey Carlina, wow!

Carl:
Oh yeah, I get it. Yeah, you put me under, dressed me as a woman, took pictures of me. Laugh's on me, huh?

Frylock:
Well no Carl, see heh, you're not just dressed like a woman.

Carl:
Oh do go on, please!

Frylock:
Well, it's pretty simple really. I removed your dick so no one will have no need to remove it!

Carl:
So the blood stain [on his crotch] is just... what is that me having my period I guess? Heh heh heh...

Frylock:
Well it could be, or it could just be the spot where I snipped your dick off...

Meatwad:
You're taking pretty good Carl. Kudos.

Carl:
Seem like this whole thing kinda defeats the purpose, ya know?

Frylock:
Yep, and what I just did was a very bad idea.

Carl:
Ya think maybe I could have my dick back? Oh wait, you know what? Maybe you should keep my dick, so you could uh... hump yourself! [storms off]

Master Shake:
Technically that would not be doing yourself, just for the record.

Meatwad:
Hey Carl look at this. Why you can still pick your dick out of the garbage!

Carl:
[shot of Carl's dick in the garbage] Is that it? Is that mine? Course it is, it's got that curve to the left.

Master Shake:
[Frylock, Meatwad, and Carl are all carrying a giant soda drink cup out of Wongburger's. After they place it down on the pavement, Mastershake comes out of the restaurant pushing a handcart] Whew! Was that thing heavy?

Frylock:
Damn it Shake, did you have to order the Superize Trough?

Master Shake:
Hydration is essential... [begins drinking through the straw on the cup]... oh, that's so good... [sips again]... and I need 85... [takes a sip that lasts ten seconds]... gallons of soda per day, and plus! [sips again] it comes with the edible handcart! [holds up handcart he pushed out and takes a bite out of the wheel] The tires are chocolate!

Frylock:
I just put it in there to get you excited about your real dinner... this... uh... celery stalk right here. Mm!

Meatwad:
Well, it ain't workin'. Now, if you expect me to eat this, you gonna have to supply me with some wing sauce.

Frylock:
How about a twist of lemon?

Meatwad:
How about a twist of I gouge your mother f***in' eyes out? Get me the Goddamn wing sauce!

Frylock:
Yeah, and that's why you're a candidate for heart disease.

Master Shake:
Well, I have three hearts 'cause I'm from Tatooine and my mother...

Frylock:
No, you're not.

Master Shake:
Really? Interesting. 'Cause you know I get my physical every year on Alderaan!

Frylock:
That didn't happen.

Master Shake:
Well, I... I am from the Dagobah system!

[Meatwad is power-walking]

Meatwad:
Hey, Carl. How's it going?

Carl:
Hey, what?

Meatwad:
I'm just power-walkin'.

Carl:
What are you friggin' doing that for? You're just gonna die.

Meatwad:
I'm tired of this diet. Can't eat what I want. What's the point of livin'?

Master Shake:
There isn't any... hold my gun for me, will ya?

Meatwad:
[being handed a celery stick by Frylock] If I'm gonna eat this thing, then I'm gonna require some wing sauce to accompany it.

Frylock:
Well, how about a twist of lemon instead?

Meatwad:
How about a twist of I-gouge-your-motherf***ing-eyes-out? Now gimme the goddamn wing sauce!

Master Shake:
Frylock, I know the difference between the real world and the flesh world. Like in 'Videodrome', right? Seen it? It's got Blondie in it... lemme tell you about a place where she AIN'T A BLONDE ...

Frylock:
[offscreen] Go to BED! [slam]

Master Shake:
I will! [sotto voce] With women.

Meatwad:
Wait a second, this ain't no brain... this a damn bee's nest.

[Carl is trying to persuade Frylock to purchase a brain on the black market]

Frylock:
Carl, I don't want it. And I'd appreciate it if you'd get off my lawn.

Carl:
Fryman, don't be that way! This sorta thing happens every day! People just don't... you know, talk about it this loud.

Happy Time Harry:
What the hell do you need night vision goggles for? You're a hillbilly!

Happy Time Harry:
Oh, oh, oh! I got one! Why don't we call ourselves "Let's get off our f***ing asses and do something because my parole officer really loves it when I dont tell him that I spent my one day off dicking around on the f***ing moon!"

Jiggle Billy:
Commence the jigglin'.

Happy Time Harry:
You know why you're in a box? Because they put you there.

Jiggle Billy:
I don't know why I jiggle.

Happy Time Harry:
You know, sometimes... I like to take this knife and just... cut my self. [laughs] See how hard I can do it before I just... pass out, man.

Meatwad:
You know, Happy Time Harry, just being around you kinda makes me want to die.

Frylock:
Hey Meatwad, how's that old Happy Time Harry?

Happy Time Harry:
Hey! Pipe down!

Meatwad:
Shhh. Quiet Frylock, he's still sleeping.

Frylock:
Well, Meatwad, it's four in the afternoon. Maybe you should get him up and go play outside or something.

Meatwad:
Nah... he, he said he's gonna spend the rest of the day figuring out how he's gonna pay his bills.

Frylock:
Awww, so he's got little doll bills, huh? That's cute.

Happy Time Harry:
Shut *up*!

Meatwad:
Not really. He says it don't matter how hard you work, or how much you do, you're always gonna be in the hole. Sometimes, he says 'Get out of my face, and if you've got a problem with that, I'll cut you!'

Master Shake:
[referring to Happy Time Harry] Frylock, you stay away from that doll with the red shoes, if you know what's good for you.

Jiggle Billy:
So, we jiggling, or...

Happy Time Harry:
Hey, backwoods retard? Not now, not ever.

[Shake is going to jump off a cliff so he can become a Highlander]

Frylock:
Shake wait. The Highlander was just a movie.

Master Shake:
No, Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and events happened in real time.

Master Shake:
Excuse me, I need to pray.

Master Shake:
[lifts a sword] There can be only one!

Meatwad:
[a bolt of lightning strikes the sword. Shake falls over and catches on fire] Be grillin' tonight.

Happy Time Harry:
Hello, I'm Happy Time Harry.

[flicks switchblade]

Happy Time Harry:
You got a problem with that? Because if you do, we'll go right now.

[repeated line]

The Dummy:
Kill.

Master Shake:
What seems to be the trouble here little lay-dee?

Dusty Gozongas:
It smells funny here...

Meatwad:
Shake says I got a paper mill comin' out my butt, and that I smell like Louisiana.

Master Shake:
Come on, now why would you say that to this lady with the big b*obs? You don't have an income like I do and you've never even ridden in my amazing rocket car.

Dusty Gozongas:
You have a rocket car?

Master Shake:
Yeah, if I get bored, maybe I'll, uh, bench press it for ya.

Carl:
You're, uh, you're fricken, uh, Dusty Gozongas! I've seen your billboard on the interstate. You dance out at the, uh, Wild Wild Chest!

Meatwad:
Naw, you're thinking of that girl down at Fun Bag Junction, that's Busty Bazookas.

Master Shake:
I think you're talking about Nipple Hut.

Carl:
You're thinking CrotchTown.

Master Shake:
CrotchTown?

Meatwad:
CrotchTown?

Carl:
Yeah, it's near Boobberg... but Boobberg, eh, kinda weak.

[Shake is trying to impress Dusty Gazongas]

Master Shake:
[to Meatwad] Look, what are you doing talking to this lady with the big b*obs? You don't have an income like I do, and you've never even ridden in my amazing rocket car.

Dusty Gozongas:
[impressed] You have a rocket car?

Master Shake:
Yep. Come over some time and I'll... bench press it for you.

Dusty Gozongas:
[while dancing] I don't know how to fix anything.

Carl:
Aw, don't get so down on yourself! You're, uh... [pause] Can you get down on yourself?

Dusty Gozongas:
You're cute! [spanks herself]

Master Shake:
[on the phone with the city] Send Dusty Gozongas over here immediately! W-w-w-wait... tell her I love her. But that I'm her man and I've gotta be free, so she's gotta to be responsible for birth control. [throws down the phone, which explodes] Daddy's getting some poon tang tonight!

Master Shake:
[Shake and Carl are immobilized in their tech outfits] [Meatwad walks up to shake and starts painting him] What are you doin'?

Meatwad:
Paintin' you with honey.

Master Shake:
That could be cool. Hey, is that my package?

Meatwad:
No, it's my package.

Master Shake:
No it's not, it's mine.

Meatwad:
I'm allowed to order a package.

Master Shake:
OK, OK, fine, it's your package. So what did you get in YOUR package that's not mine?

Meatwad:
Oh, I dunno, let's see. BEES BOY, BEES! YOU GOT BEES!

Master Shake:
No! Whoo! OH! CARL, NO, HELP ME! WE GOT BEES HERE!

Carl:
Bees? Did you get the link I sent you, about the woman havin' sex with a bee?

Master Shake:
Look at this! A monkey, drinking it's own urine! Heh heh! LOL, IMHO, colon, parentheses! Ya hear that?

Frylock:
[listening to mp3 player] Not any more.

Master Shake:
Well, what's that thing?

Frylock:
[loudly] Oh, it's just an mp3 player. Holds 40,000 songs!

Master Shake:
F*** you! Hand truck me up!

Master Shake:
[outside at night with E-anos on backs] Y' know, this is cool n' all, but I'm startin' to get a bad headache.

Carl:
Yeh, I know whatcha mean.

Master Shake:
I dunno if it's this song, or the heavy magnets that were inserted into my neck.

Carl:
Can someone please turn off all the sex? I'm startin' to chafe here.

Carl:
All right, I'm gonna give this rainbow thing another five minutes... and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and get a Hot Rod magazine.

Meatwad:
[referring to Master Shake] He told me to get in the freezer, because there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival, it was a damn freezer. I got freezer burn, and I got mushed up against that chicken.

Meatwad:
You don't need a machine to make a rainbow for rainbows are made of happy thoughts and dreams and chocolate unicorns and gumdrops and licorice sunsets and fuzzy gum drop bears and chocolate covered chocolate gumdrop land...

Meatwad:
Shhh, I'm trying to sleep, so that the real rainbow will come...

[a rainbow appears]

Meatwad:
...the real rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all!

[the rainbow attaches itself to Carl's house and rips it off the foundations]

Carl:
Oooh, good.

Meatwad:
Well, I gotta go, see ya later.

Dingle:
Feet!

[repeated line]

Dingle:
No Feet!

Master Shake:
Look, yes, I have banged HUNDREDS of broads. INTERNATIONALLY. But know this - I wrap my rascal, TWO TIMES, cuz I like it to be joyless and without sensation. It's a way of punishing supermodels.

[first lines]

Jesus Ezekial Jesus:
Daddy?

Carl Brutananadilewski:
Next door. Jackass. [slam]

Master Shake:
Please do not undercut me in front of the child. I am thirty or forty years old, and I do not need this.

Meatwad:
[Frylock and Meatwad stare at Shake]... Well, which is it? Is you thirty or forty?

Master Shake:
I. Don't. Know. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? [whacks his tennis racket on the ground, as Frylock and Meatwad stare indifferently. Finally, Frylock intervenes and blows up the racket with his laser eyes. Shake shuffles away] Thaaaaank you. That's nice.

DP:
What else is open besides your mouth when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his like muscles 'cause his arms just are like wrapped around you and you feel like so safe 'cause you're like... not that you're gay or nothing but God you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever.

Master Shake:
[Typing on the computer] Search for "tooth and plaque conspiracy..." [pause] and "Metallica."

Meatwad:
And Backstreet Boys.

Frylock:
[to Meatwad] YOU'RE. NOT. PREGNANT.

Master Shake:
Of course he is! Now I can wail on you for two!

Master Shake:
All right, you see the homeless guy up there in the gridwork? Not him. It's above him.

Frylock:
Nuh-uhhh... I don't see anything but wood. I mean, it's just woodgrain...

Master Shake:
It's right in the butt of the gun. Lookit the butt of the gun.

Frylock:
I'm lookin' at the butt of the gun. I don't see nothin' but the gun.

Master Shake:
What the hell's the mat - hey! Yo! Choch! Show my dumb friend over here where Gee Whiz is, willya?

Homeless Man:
[mumbling] Mehmhmhmhhmmmm... Gee Whiz... you Gee Whiz?

Master Shake:
That's gr... yes, thank you! Okay! SHOW HIM. ON. THE. BILL. BOARD!

Homeless Man:
[long pause] ME! ME GEE WHIZ!

Master Shake:
Ohhhhhhoohohohhhhh... great. 'Nuther whackjob. Hey, Gee Whiz: can you FLY?

Homeless Man:
[hysterical screaming] GIMMAHYAMUNNNAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY! [THUD]

Master Shake:
[nonchalantly, as Frylock stares in horror] 'Kay, now that he's gone. Right where his head was, you gotta squint like...

Frylock:
[deadpan] I'm outta here. This is bull.

[Meatwad suffers mood swings from being pregnant]

Meatwad:
Oh... boy, I apologize. My hormones are goin' nuts. Now, please... if you would... get the f*** outta my way. I mean, how many times I gotta f***in' write "ice cream" on this f***in' list before someone gets in f***in' gear, and brings home the f***in' ice cream? Maybe I should get a steak knife, and etch it in your muthaf***in' forehead! How hard can it f***in' be? Ice muthaf***in' cream! I guess that's the price I pay for livin' with two f***in' morons!

[Carl gives Meatwad a Pocket Fisherman for his baby shower]

Frylock:
What the hell is that?

Carl:
Well, it's a fishing line. You can fold it up and put it in your... uh, I got about a hundred of them. They make pretty good gifts, if you, you know... don't give a crap about who you're givin' 'em to.

[referring to Meatwad's pregnancy]

Carl:
So, uh, there's gonna be another one of you animals runnin' around over here. Great. We'll start a zoo.

Frylock:
[after Meatwad has a hormonal mood swing] Damn!

Meatwad:
Oh... boy. I apologize. My hormones are goin' nuts. Now, please. If you would... get the [elephant trumpets] outta my way. I mean, how many times I gotta [alarm bell] write "ice cream" on this [squeaks] list before someone gets his [horse neighs] in gear and brings home the [owl hoots] ice cream? Maybe I should get a steak knife and etch it in your mutha- [plunger sound] forehead! How hard can it [squeak-squeak] be? Ice mutha- [drum roll] cream! I guess that's the price I pay for livin' with two [dial tone] morons!

Master Shake:
What happened to courtesy?

Meatwad:
Hey, y'all might wanna turn that grill down, 'cause Mucus Man is meltin' here.

Master Shake:
He's not melting. He's "chillaxin'". If you can't speak the language, go back to Mexico. Where you were born, and are from.

Master Shake:
Carl, what the hell are you doing on our property?

Carl:
I just came to see why my doorknob was covered in snot. And then I saw you. And I connected the two.

Master Shake:
[crashes through the window, bright flaming red all over] DAMMIT, who took my sunblock? SPF 60, for FAIR SKIN?

Frylock:
There ain't enough SPF in the world to protect you from that...

Meatwad:
Well, we got all that cream cheese we won from the fair. Can you tan through that?

Master Shake:
[thinks] It's worth a shot...

Meatwad:
[solemnly] And it may be the only shot we have.

Master Shake, Meatwad:
[Shake and Meatwad, rubbing themselves all over with huge globs of cream cheese]

Frylock:
[long pause as he watches] Or... WE COULD SHUT THE F**KING GRILL OFF!

Master Shake:
That's my Alton Brown sauce pot. I use it to make my balsamic reduction! Dammit!

Carl:
...Are those clouds on fire?...

Tera Patrick:
[with her mouth stuffed full of corn dog] I wanna party with you!

Carl Brutanananadilewski:
[to Tera Patrick] You're the most beautiful woman in the world... [pause] You know, spread-eagle.

Tera Patrick:
[describing the tattoo on her uterus to Carl] It's a unicorn, making love to a Keebler elf.

Meatwad:
Hey, you guys remember when I got my first pubic hair? In that restaurant?

[flashes back to restaurant]

Meatwad:
Hey, ya'll, check it out! Look what came with my wings!

Frylock:
Ugh, don't touch that!

[flashes back to present]

Meatwad:
And I've been collecting 'em ever since. Here, Frylock, I made you this shirt. 100% pubic.

Frylock:
Uh, thanks.

Meatwad:
I figured you to be a large, but I went extra large, 'cause I know it's gonna shrink in the wash. That's right. I want you to wash this with the rest of your clothes.

Carl:
I don't know if I can sleep anymore. You ever been raped by a dog?

Meatwad:
[pause] Nuh uh.

Carl:
See, I think that's what hell is like. You know, constantly raped by dogs.

Carl:
See, you don't know what rape is like. For years, I thought it was funny. Oh, yeah, rape. It's so funny. Until you been raped.

[Frylock and Meatwad are creating a dog in Carl's pool]

Meatwad:
Oh, is this your pool?

Carl:
Yeah, it is!

Meatwad:
Can I go swimming?

Carl:
No, you may not.

Master Shake:
How about me?

Carl:
No!

Frylock:
Well, do you mind if we make a dog in it?

Carl:
Yeah, I do mind. Very much, if that's cool.

Frylock:
C'mon Carl. You haven't been using it.

Carl:
That's not the point.

Master Shake:
He will very soon!

Carl:
Just because I ain't been usin' it, that doesn't mean like, "Here, turn it into a dog laboratory."

Carl:
I don't know if I believe in God, but... I think he must hate me.

Meatwad:
There's a Handbanana! Good boy!

Carl:
Oh, he's not a boy anymore. He's a man. CAUSE HE JUST RAPED ME!

[repeated line]

Handbanana:
[menacing voice] Tonight... YOU.

[about Handbanana]

Carl:
You know, he's supposed to be spayed, and, uh... he ain't that. Go ahead, ask me how I know. Go ahead. Ask me.

Carl:
What the hell? No, no, no, no, no... Bad boy, bad boy. You live over there. Go... go back to the freaks.

Handbanana:
Who you callin' boy? My name is Handbanana.

Carl:
Wha... You talkin' to me here or...

Handbanana:
No, not anymore.

[slams door]

Handbanana:
We're done talking.

Carl:
Hang on, let me bend over and pick this thing up.

Carl:
[Handbanana rapes Carl] Handbanana, no!

Handbanana:
Do ye think you can back that up?

Carl:
Listen to this guy.

[mockingly]

Carl:
"Could back that up"... I got bruises to prove it!

Handbanana:
No, no, I mean, that ass... back it up. Yeahhhhh.

[wags tail]

Carl:
Do you hear what he's saying here?

Handbanana:
Sounds like someone wants to get RAPED again.

Frylock:
C'mon Carl, he's hasn't even been here one day! How could he possibly learn the English language?

Handbanana:
See? All I know is "ball", and "good"...

[menacingly]

Handbanana:
...AND "RAPE".

Carl:
Yeah, you know it well. I bend over for the remote, and BOOM!

[screams]

Carl:
YOU'RE THERE!

[Frylock answers the door]

Panda Furry:
[holding crotch] Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom?

Frylock:
We don't have a bathroom!

Panda Furry:
[runs into house] Doesn't matter! Doesn't matter! Never mind!

Meatwad:
I have a two-part question: one, what's he doin'? and, two, should we light him on fire?

The www.yzzerdd.com:
[the Yzzerdd has just invaded Frylock's bedroom with pop-up ads, and is appearing as a low-quality streaming Flash video, constantly interrupting Frylock] It is I, the www.yzzerd... D...

Frylock:
Who ...

The www.yzzerdd.com:
Yyyzzerd!

Frylock:
Wha ...

The www.yzzerdd.com:
D.

Frylock:
Wh ...

The www.yzzerdd.com:
Dot-com!

Frylock:
What the hell do you want with us?

[pause]

Frylock:
Hello ...

The www.yzzerdd.com:
Why don't you fill this out? You could win a Porsche!

Master Shake:
Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've heard the arguments on both sides, and there is nothing to convince me of the need to brush your teeth.

Master Shake:
I got rid of my teeth at a young age because... I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get them.

Master Shake:
[Meatwad and Shake are surfing the net on the plaque conspiracy] Hush! Be quiet or you'll damage the search engine.

Meatwad:
Oh, gee, I forgot! I'm sorry...

Master Shake:
Well, I'M sorry but if you don't cooperate somebody's gonna have their mouth stabbed shut with skewers!

[insanely]

Master Shake:
And then we shall see how well the ax slices through the meat!

Meatwad:
[stares] Oh...

[cries loudly]

The www.yzzerdd.com:
Okay, fine. Don't use our services. Get left in the digital dust, but remember - you could have won a Porsche!

The www.yzzerdd.com:
Surely this convenience entices you? Pornography and online gaming at hundreds the times of speed of your normal advertising service provider! It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it at the base of your skull is so painless it's no wonder I'm number one!

[Shake destroys Carl's rental car]

Carl:
I frickin' rented that thing this morning!

Master Shake:
Yeah, we know how you did it, congratulations. The bank gave you a credit card. It doesn't make you better than me! But you see, nobody gives me credit, because I'm a bad risk, and I don't pay my bills on time. So I have to work for what I have.

Shake:
Now why don't you go back in your house and shut up!

[Carl's head explodes]

Meatwad:
Now why'd he do that?

Shake:
Why wouldn't he?

Meatwad:
Okay, when I say "crank it", you do whatever it is people do when they're told to do that.

Meatwad:
It's time to recline [pulls recliner handle]

Napkin Lad:
You're a madman!

Carl Brutananadilewski:
It's good to be somethin'!

Master Shake:
Yeah. Well. Dracula called and he's coming tonight.

Meatwad:
[after noticing Carl is a rattlesnake from the hips down] So, should we tell him?

Frylock:
No, just leave it to Shake, he'll know exactly what to say.

Shake:
[while snickering] Carl... What the hell happened to you?

Carl:
Wha-? [notices he is part rattlesnake] Oh, God!

Frylock:
[reading "Mummies for Dummies"] The curse of the mummy is actually just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives' tale. The real curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying "Mummies for Dummies."

The Mummy:
Hug mummy, CURSE!

Meatwad:
Oh, here's another idea. Hell no.

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen! I bring you... MORE CORN!

Steve:
Uh, sheesh, I dunno, man. I mean, after last time...

Dr. Weird:
This time... SHALL BE DIFFERENT! Mwahahahahahaha!

Steve:
[stares at the bowl of corn] Alright, 'cause I am hungry again.

[gets punctured by the corn yet again]

Dr. Weird:
[pointing to Steve] It's not different at all! Is it Steve! Mwahahaha!

Shake:
Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep - [pauses, looks to Frylock, then The Mummy, then back to Frylock]... Whose mummy?

Frylock:
I found it in the crawlspace.

Shake:
[angrily] So YOU were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh?

The Mummy:
Hee hee hee hee haaaaa.

Frylock:
Shake, you don't want to piss him off. He has the power to curse you.

Meatwad:
[slyly] Do it, Shake. Piss him off.

Shake:
I'LL DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, AND HOW I WANT. And no Mummy - you hear me, Band-Aid? ...

Meatwad:
[as swirls form around the Mummy] Oh damn, here it comes.

Shake:
- NO MUMMY - is going to tell ME what TO DO!

The Mummy:
[rises off of the chair] Curse... CURSE... CURRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSE! [falls back down]

Meatwad:
...Ohhh, damn.

Shake:
[unfazed] You done? We all done here?

The Mummy:
[rises up again] CURRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSE!

Shake:
[impatiently] Oh, are you DONE?

The Mummy:
[growling, falls back down] Yessssssssss.

Shake:
Good! Because I am "done" listening to you! I've got a curse for you, it's called "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here". I'm going back to bed.

The Mummy:
[hissing] currrrsssse...

Shake:
[offscreen] I HEARD IT ALREADY! I KNOW! IT'S A FRICKIN' CURSE!

Master Shake:
I should not walk, so that a child may live.

Frylock:
[merely stares]

Master Shake:
That's what it does!

Frylock:
GET UP!

Carl:
[Referring to the loation on M.C. Pee Pants] 612 Wharf Avenue! That's the old warehouse down there by Melon Shakers... I mean... the... Gentleman's Club...

Carl:
[the song "I want Candy" is stuck in Carl's head] I want candy, bubble gum and taf-DAMNIT!

M.C. Pee Pants:
[is dead and has just arrived in Hell] HEY! Any of you guys into rapping?

Satan:
Listen up, Scab! Down here we only listen to Speed Metal!

M.C. Pee Pants:
Well, alright. That's cool man.

Satan:
[sets M. C. Pee Pants on fire] No, it is not!

M.C. Pee Pants:
Look my shniggies, I had a strizoke in my brizain, okay, you know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good.

Frylock:
There are different kinds of music in the world, Meatwad.

[hands Meatwad a collection of classical music CDs]

Frylock:
How about getting down with some REAL gangsters... from the fifteenth century?

Meatwad:
Bach-t? Beet-oven? I dunno. Are these guys down with the Pee-Pants?

Frylock:
Well, Meatwad. They wore pantaloons back in those days.

Meatwad:
Shoot, boy. You'd get killed wearing that in my hood.

Frylock:
Well I think you'll find these guys are pretty darn dope, if you know what I mean.

Carl:
[in the middle of "washing" a car] You... you think we should take another pass at this? Cause I'm still seeing some paint here, and it's startin' to MOCK me!

Meatwad:
[concerning the fate of M.C. Peepants] Well, wherever he is...

Master Shake:
He's in Hell!

Meatwad:
Well, wherever THAT is...

Master Shake:
It's a fiery pit of unpleasantness in the center of the Earth...

Meatwad:
OK! Well wherever THAT is, and do not say anything...

Frylock:
You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people...

M.C. Pee Pants:
No, I love the liquid *inside* people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater!

Carl:
By the way, you wouldn't happen to know who's been playin "I Want Candy" for a frickin' *week*?

Frylock:
It was your other neighbors.

Master Shake:
Meatwad.

Carl:
Ohh, it doesn't matter now, because now it won't go away, unless I blow it out ?

[shouts]

Carl:
with a bullet!

Shake:
[singing, playing guitar while Meatwad plays MC Pee Pants in the background] You make me feel... emotional... Meatwad, turn that down!

[Meatwad's music stops]

Shake:
Kissin' you...

[Meatwad's music resumes]

Shake:
Dammit! That's it! I'm coming back there...

Frylock:
Shake, put that down.

Shake:
Look, I am out there trying to write new material...

Frylock:
Shake, you don't even have old material.

Shake:
[breaks guitar] Now who has the material? Nobody! Because HE just made me do this!

[Frylock is marrying Carl and a mail order bride]

Frylock:
Do you, Svetlana... what does this say?

Carl:
Look, just say Smith or Jones or somethin'. I mean, there's no way you can pronounce that, right?

Frylock:
Svetlana Smith, take Carl...

Carl:
Just say Smith again, it don't matter. None of this matters.

[Carl and Shake have ordered a mail-order bride]

Carl:
Oh man, I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works. When does that babe get here?

Master Shake:
Carl, don't refer to her as a babe, please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute and you will refer to her as such.

Wedding DJ:
Introducing: the new Misters and Missus Bortowski!

Carl:
[shouting] IT'S BRUTANANADILEWSKI! AND YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Master Shake:
No way! You are staying! [notices the others glaring at him]... We got him 'til two!

Ignignokt:
You and your third dimension.

Frylock:
What about it?

Ignignokt:
Oh, nothing, it's cute. We have five.

[pause]

Err:
Thousand.

Ignignokt:
Yes, five thousand.

Err:
Don't question it.

Frylock:
Oh, yeah? Well, I only see two.

Ignignokt:
Well, that sounds like a personal problem.

Frylock:
Shake, have you seen my towel?

Master Shake:
Just use a paper towel.

Frylock:
I'm taking a bath.

Master Shake:
They're right in the kitchen, just go get 'em.

Ignignokt:
Hello, Carl, I am Ignignokt and this is Err.

Err:
I am Err.

Ignignokt:
We are Mooninites from the inner core of the moon.

Err:
You said it right.

Ignignokt:
Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours.

Err:
Man, you hear what he's saying?

Ignignokt:
Some would say that the Earth is our moon.

Err:
We're the moon.

Ignignokt:
But that would belittle the name of our moon, which is: The Moon.

Err:
Point is: we're at the center, not you.

Carl:
No, the real point is: I don't give a damn.

Meatwad:
Where's my whiskey? I'm 'bout to get tore up!

Ignignokt:
We shall acquire some wine on the way to the mall.

Err:
And then you can get tore up.

Ignignokt:
And pass out in the hot sun.

Meatwad:
Them's my boys!

Ignignokt:
Your roommate is a nerd.

Err:
Yes, on the moon nerds get their pants pulled down and they are spanked with moon rocks.

Ignignokt:
Pick up that stereo and sink it deep within your body.

Meatwad:
But then that would be stealing.

Err:
Not if you need it, and you need it.

Frylock:
What happened to Meatwad?

Err:
He got busted man.

Ignignokt:
For drinking and stealing and smoking in a non-smoking area.

Ignignokt:
We do whatever we want, to whomever we want, at all times.

Ignignokt:
Where shall I drape this wet, primitive Earth towel?

Err:
We smoke while we flip the bird.

Ignignokt:
[flipping the bird] I hope he can see this 'cause I'm doing it as hard as I can.

Master Shake:
[emerges from Carl's pool and gasps for breath] Twenty seconds! It's a new world record!

Ignignokt:
[emerges from Carl's pool] Twenty-three seconds.

Err:
That is the new moon record!

Ignignokt:
Then it shall be so.

Err:
Now and forever.

Meatwad:
Someone hook me up with a flame, I'm having a nic fit!

Ignignokt:
Err, light him up.

Frylock:
Meatwad!

Err:
Here.

Ignignokt:
Encourage him in his habit.

Err:
That's a good smoker!

Carl:
You must be the ones who etched "The Moon Rulez, #1" on the side of my car.

Ignignokt:
Where shall I drape this primitive Earth towel?

Master Shake:
Drape it on Frylock's computer, that thing heats up pretty good.

Ignignokt:
Our vertical leap is beyond all measurement.

Ignignokt:
Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship.

Carl:
Who did this to my freakin' car!

Frylock:
Don't throw him away, he's a living thing.

Ignignokt:
No one can defeat the quad laser.

Ignignokt:
Your jambox is now his... by way of our actions.

Err:
It's all free!

Ignignokt:
You pay far out the ass for it.

Err:
It WAS free!

Ignignokt:
A real warrior would have jumped on it like a beast... before it went straight up to $99.99!

Ignignokt:
We are thought of highly by those without jobs.

Ignignokt:
And now, we burgle. [he and Err jump through the ATHF's front window]

Ignignokt:
Can you grab the other end of - [notices Frylock floating by the door, glaring at them]... Oh. Hey, man.

Frylock:
[calmly] Uh, you're going to have to pay for that.

Ignignokt:
It's cool!

Err:
Yeah, it's cool!

Frylock:
[pissed] No. It isn't.

Ignignokt:
Oh, it's not?

Err:
Well, we thought it was.

Frylock:
[angrily] No. You're going to pay for that window, or I'm callin' the cops.

Ignignokt:
Easy, brother. Don't harsh my buzz.

Frylock:
[dialing 9-1-1 as Err whispers 'no maaan, don't do thaaat'] Operator, can I get the police, please?

Ignignokt:
We'll leave you be, fair brother. [They hop back out via the now-broken window. Frylock hangs up]

Err:
[whispering] 'Kay, hand me that hose. [a green hose appears spewing moonajuana fumes. Giggles from Err and Ignignokt] Okay, start pushin' it.

Frylock:
[unceremoniously puts a kink in the hose]

Err:
[coughing, muttering] Gettin' some backdraft or somethin', man.

Ignignokt:
[hissing] The Red One SUCKS.

Movie Villain:
This where I go to kill them gay prostitutes?

Ol' Drippy:
Meatwad, do you have any real dolls?

Meatwad:
Well, real dolls cost money, and I'd rather just use the unlimited power of my imagination. Ain't got no damn money.

[Master Shake has made a mess of the kitchen. Frylock has sent him to the store to buy cleaning supplies]

Frylock:
[pulls out an aerosol can] What? Wait a second - is this cheese?

Master Shake:
Yeah.

Frylock:
How are you gonna clean the kitchen with cheese, Shake?

Master Shake:
We don't... look, that room is dead to me now. How about we make the living room the new kitchen? Huh? Now, I know what some of you may be thinking: Shake, where's the stove?

[Pours gasoline on the armchair and sets it on fire]

Master Shake:
Here it is!

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen...!

Steve:
You know, you can call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here...

[creature from the Blue Lagoon walks up behind Steve]

Steve:
...Right?

Dr. Weird:
My mind!

[Ol' Drippy has bought lattes for everyone except Shake]

Master Shake:
Hey, where's mine?

Ol' Drippy:
Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't know you were here.

Master Shake:
Go get me one. No wait, just give me yours.

Frylock:
Shake, that's rude!

Master Shake:
He's being rude to me! He bought the lattes! And that's rude... introducing them to this environment!

Ol' Drippy:
Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that.

Ol' Drippy:
Here, lick my head.

Master Shake:
Here, kiss my ass!

Master Shake:
[eating Ol' Drippy's head] Keep your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma.

[Master Shake is trying to get out of cleaning up the kitchen]

Master Shake:
That room is dead to me. Let's burn down the kitchen and use the living room as a kitchen from now on. Look, here's our stove.

[sets the couch on fire]

Master Shake:
Hey, you fly. Why don't you go check the gutter?

Frylock:
But... why would it be up in the gutter, Shake?

Master Shake:
That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it *decided* to stop working.

Glass-Bottom Boat Captain:
Hi. This is your captain speaking. Welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just want to let you know I'm a convicted sex offender.

Glass-Bottom Boat Captain:
Oh-no, ladies and gentlemen, now we're being attacked. Look to your left over the Tarboard side. Giant microscopic Tar Monsters.

Frylock:
There ain't nothin' over here but tar and a condom wrapper. This is gross.

[after faking fighting off Tar-Monsters]

Glass-Bottom Boat Captain:
OK, I'm back, and we're safe, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us any more. I chased them off with my nudity.

[pause]

Glass-Bottom Boat Captain:
Does that arouse anyone down there?

Meatwad:
What does that mean?

Frylock:
It means we're gonna get off this boat right now.

Meatwad:
Hey, how do I know if I'm aroused?

Glass-Bottom Boat Captain:
OK, and we've docked, and I feel a little sexy. Who down there wants to meet the captain and feel sexy with him?

Romulox:
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, is this the movie Thief, music by Tangerine Dream? I don't think so.

Romulox:
Only two people in the world have the Easy-Flo elbow, and one of them happens to be named Bruce Willis.

Dr. Weird:
I need to lose twenty more pounds, OR I'LL NEVER BE PRETTY!

[starts cutting legs with chainsaw]

[Romulox is wearing gloves that are similar to Shake's]

Master Shake:
I was just saying about the gloves, that the yellow...

Romulox:
Oh these, yeah, they're the original yellows. Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there. Nice. You going for that ironic look, or the "look, I don't have any money" look?

Master Shake:
Gentlemen, we have a time machine. And *this* is the key to Frylock's health. We can break it apart, light it on fire, and smoke the cancer out!

Meatwad:
But don't smoking, like, cause cancer?

Master Shake:
That has never been proven.

Meatwad:
So, what'd your doctor say?

Frylock:
He says I have cancer.

Meatwad:
Well, did you... did you tell him that you don't?

Frylock:
Meatwad, I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

Master Shake:
Good morning Carl. How's it goin'?

Carl:
Oh yeah, good morning to you, Mr. Food Monster. This is how it's goin'. Look at my FRICKIN' CAR. It is crushed to bejeezus and back.

Master Shake:
[stares at wrecked car] Have you gotten any estimates?

Master Shake:
A car cannot be killed. It was murdered.

Carl:
What happened to my frickin' car?

Meatwad:
Take the meatbridge. It's right here.

[first lines of the series]

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare. Behold!

[unveils gigantic robotic bunny]

Steve:
Uh, Dr. Weird? I thought that grant was for, like, to cure diseases or something.

Dr. Weird:
The grant? What is that?

Steve:
Well, uh...

Dr. Weird:
Shut up!

Master Shake:
[has just stomped on Meatwad's jambox] Dancing is forbidden!

Master Shake:
I was not put on this earth to listen to meat!

Master Shake:
Good morning, Carl! How's it going?

Carl:
Oh hey there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's going! My car has been crushed, the Bejesus and back!

Master Shake:
Carl, it's okay! It's cool, man! I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think!

[a pause; Shake inhales]

Master Shake:
Meteors did it! That'll be twenty dollars.

Help Line Recording:
If you experience symptoms such as gleaming feces, luminescent groin flesh, or ghosts are escaping out of your anus, please press 1.

Emory:
You know, we should probably get going. I mean, this is how fights start.

Oglethorpe:
This is not a fight. This is a WAR!

[Meatwad is rotating inside the microwave. Microwave dings]

Master Shake:
Did you see how long you were in there?

Meatwad:
I'm ready for poultry.

Master Shake:
No, you're not! But with practice...

Ignignokt:
Quiet, Err. I'm transmitting rage.

Ignignokt:
Why are we trying to cash a bill, Err?

Err:
Hell, I don't know! On the way down here, I kept saying, "this is a bill." I just figured you know something I didn't.

Ignignokt:
I did know something I didn't! But it wasn't that!

Ignignokt:
The principle will resent his nards being presented in such a crude manner.

Ignignokt:
Prepare for a pride-obliterating b*tch slap.

Ignignokt:
Cash our check and you will get immortal.

Err:
Never ending life.

Carl:
Nah, sometimes I kinda wanna die.

Ignignokt:
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. And if you think I got that from Star Trek, you are very wrong, mister.

Ignignokt:
[after having stolen Carl's pornography collection and dresser] This pornography is infinitely excellent. This dresser, however, is not. Burn it, Meatwad.

Err:
Yeah, burn it!

Meatwad:
But that's where Carl keeps his clothes!

Ignignokt:
These women don't have any clothes on, and they seem happy.

Err:
Yeah, they're kissin' each other!

Ignignokt:
And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you?

Ignignokt:
You have deeply offended us and our god. And our god is a god of vengeance, and horror.

Err:
And action!

Ignignokt:
Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf.

Err:
Yeah, that's the Wolfen, man.

Ignignokt:
Well... the Wolfen will come for you, with his razor.

[looking at porn]

Err:
Oh man, you gotta check this out.

Meatwad:
Oh yeah baby, that's a neat car she's washing. You think that's a straight 6?

Err:
I think I have a straight 6.

Ignignokt:
Ooooo. Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless.

Carl:
Fryman, those are my frickin' azalea bushes, there.

Carl:
I don't need no instructions to know how to rock.

Meatwad:
Hey you guys, did you say that it would be easy to get whatever I want, like a ten speed, because that's what I really want.

Ignignokt:
Getting it is easy. Filling it with illegal substances and sending it across the border is not.

Err:
Yeah, see, those dogs, they can smell ANYTHING. So you gotta kick 'em in the throat.

Meatwad:
Well hey now, guys, look. I do not want to do anything illegal here... but I would kill somebody... in front of their own mama... to get a ten speed. And if any witnesses testify against me, I'll gouge their eyes out.

Ignignokt:
Fryman, we are full of religion now. Everyone, please - bow your heads, and pretend to be serious.

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen... behold!

Steve:
What?

Dr. Weird:
Um, hang on... and now... behold!

Steve:
You supposed to do something, or...

Dr. Weird:
Am I not invisible?

Steve:
Ayyy... no.

Dr. Weird:
Why not?

Ignignokt:
Come on, Meatman. Let's go break the law to fulfill your primitive needs.

Meatwad:
Well, I don't think so. Last time you were here you threw me at an old lady's mailbox and you made me moon Boy Scout Troop No. 324.

Err:
Ha ha, ha ha! We did!

Ignignokt:
Well... this time we won't.

Meatwad:
Okay, cool. Let me just get my keys.

Carl:
Hey guys! What are you doing in my house... without my permission?

Ignignokt:
We're here to steal your pornography, and sodomize our vast imaginations.

Err:
Ya all have any eggs?

Shake:
I don't know guys. Lemme check.

Err:
'Cause I'm totally gonna mess someone's house up!

Ignignokt:
Yes, eggs or pot... either one.

Meatwad:
Hey, ah, Frylock, do we have any pot?

Frylock:
No, we don't! Marijuana is illegal.

Err:
What about nitrous, man?

Ignignokt:
Shut up, Err.

Ignignokt:
[the Mooninites have broken into Carl's house] We are here for your pornography.

Err:
So hand over those magazines!

Carl:
Oh, I got some magazines for ya all right. They're filled with hollow points!

Ignignokt:
We forgot about your needs, we were too busy fulfilling our own.

Ignignokt:
Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off.

Meatwad:
Hell yeah, I'm a dirty white boy! I'm a lean mean ground beef machine!

Steve:
[posing as Dr. Weird] GENTLEMEN! FILL ME FULL OF BARBEQUE SAUCE BECAUSE I'M DUMB AS HELL!

Master Shake:
We're flash frying this mutha!

Master Shake:
Carl! Take it up!

Carl Brutananadilewski:
With pleasure.

Master Shake:
Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! You take it up too high how am I gonna inject the cheese?

Frylock:
The cheese?

Carl Brutananadilewski:
Oh yes! What is that, cheddar or pepper jack?

Master Shake:
Both.

Carl Brutananadilewski:
You are the man!

Master Shake:
There's pork in there too. See, I rolled it in ranch dressing then force fed it to her. How do you think she died, natural causes?

Carl Brutananadilewski:
This is gonna be so good!

Frylock:
Yeck! Well y'all go on ahead and have your little heart attack. Meatwad and I are gonna have us a healthy labor day. Ain't that right Meatwad?

Meatwad:
Yeah, I'll do that when I'm dead. Inject me with some cheese!

Master Shake:
Submerge! It's gonna take a minute Carl. We've just gotta hope that the bowels don't release after hitting the hot oil.

Master Shake:
Frylock, I'm telling you, that's not me in that video... 'Cuz that's nothing! There's nothing up there! What the hell is, this is bark!

Frylock:
[after dumping a robotic baby-sitter into a meat liquifier] You're liquefied, b*tch.

[Meatwad has just burned Carl's house down]

Meatwad:
Okay, it's either you definitely *should* play with matches, or you definitely *shouldn't* play with matches.

Carl:
It's definitely one or the other.

Meatwad:
Which one you think it is, Carl?

Frylock:
Shake, how did you get in this beam?

Master Shake:
Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do.

[Emory and Oglethorpe are two aliens; Frylock has beamed onto their ship]

Frylock:
What are these spikes, these spikes all over your body? I mean, surely they have a purpose.

Emory:
What spikes?

Oglethorpe:
Oh, these? No no no, these are not spikes; they are pointy arms.

Emory:
We squirt soap out of them, and that's how we keep the ship so clean. See?

[does so]

Frylock:
That's soap? Well, it kind of smells like waste.

Emory:
Well, one man's waste is another man's... soap.

[Frylock meets the Plutonians and witnesses their incompetence]

Oglethorpe:
We are on a secret mission of world domination!

Frylock:
World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of jello.

Emory:
Is that, like, an important place or something?

[Oglethorpe knocks over a barbecue]

Emory:
That is great. Why don't you burn the whole ship down while you're at it.

Oglethorpe:
Shut up. I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend. HAHAHAHAHA.

Emory:
I thought the plan was to barbecue with him.

Oglethorpe:
Plans are for fools. When he gets here we melt him... and laugh... on into the night. HAHAHAHAHA.

[the Plutonians are trying to determine why Master Shake isn't melting]

Oglethorpe:
Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR!

Emory:
Well, maybe you shouldn't have insisted that all meltings be taped! I mean, you know you never watch them!

Carl:
Hey, buddy, how you doin'? Pizzaland, huh? Yeah, that's lots of fun. I just called to tell you that YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!

Master Shake:
But the grass is gone? Look, Carl, that is the price of doing business.

Meatwad:
Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug?

Carl:
What's the frickin' point Meatman?

Meatwad:
So you can give me some money.

[Shake has just caused Carl's lawn to be burned up]

Carl:
[holding a tire iron] Heyyyy, buddy!

Master Shake:
Hey, Carl. Wow, your lawn looks good.

Carl:
Liking it?

Master Shake:
Why's your house all curled up?

Carl:
I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that.

Frylock:
You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad.

Meatwad:
Look, I know that; you gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street?

[Master Shake, despite expectations, is not melting]

Emory:
We could still melt him. Like, I have this really bitchin' hair dryer...

Oglethorpe:
Well, you think that will work, break it out then. That will only take *four thousand moltons*!

Emory:
Well, I'm just tryin' to help!

Oglethorpe:
Well, I think screwing everything up is a funny way to he...

Frylock:
[after Zack Wilder was blown up] What are we gonna tell his wife and kids?

Master Shake:
You saw him! The man was drunk and out of control!

Frylock:
What's that jet doing in our yard?

Master Shake:
Oh hell! What does it look like?

Frylock:
Well... It's in the shape of a bass guitar and it's painted with a giant owl.

Master Shake:
Swooping down from the moon. I know! It's Geddy's jet. FLOOR IT! We gotta get the hell hell outta here!

Meatwad:
Hey, Geddy! THE RIVER!

Master Shake:
[trying to sell the house] Hey, how ya doin, hey! So you saw the sign! I guess you wanna take a look at the house, I mean, we have a couple other people coming later today, it's really a lucky thing you stopped by!

Insane Homeless Man:
[gesturing and mumbling insanely the whole time Shake was talking] OK, see you in the trees. Uh, I'll take care of them. I'm a tree. I'm a tree wizard.

Master Shake:
Hey, that is grreat! Come on in, I got a tray of muffins ...

Master Shake:
[the guy holds up box] ONE, TAKE ONE!

Insane Homeless Man:
Tree wizard needs $6.48.

Master Shake:
And as you can see, it's fully furnished. 2/0, no bathroom, and that is by design. We don't want people to mess things up with their waste, you know what I'm saying?

[guy points meaninglessly]

Master Shake:
Right, of course you do, you know what I'm saying. And as you can see, the phone is highly cordless.

Insane Homeless Man:
Alablama. Alabama. Alabama. Alabummla.

Master Shake:
Yes, absolutely, we are conveniently located adjacent to Alabama. What else?

Zakk Wylde:
Why did I even get wasted and work with you? I mean, this isn't even a real microphone. It's a stick with a marshmallow on it.

[Frylock has accidentally killed Shake and Meatwad]

Frylock:
If only we hadn't gotten Meatwad that pet. I mean, he'd be alive today.

Carl:
Look, don't beat yourself up over it. There's nothing you can do about this. I mean, it *kinda* was your fault, but hey, screw it. They're dead and you're not.

[to Frylock, after Meatwad and Shake are killed]

Carl:
Here. It's a Fruit Roll-Up. I was gonna make ya a casserole for your loss, but, uh... I didn't.

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen! I have genetically spliced the double-helix of a fried pork chop with that of my roommate, Randall!

Steve:
Whoa!

Dr. Weird:
Hell yes, whoa! Come here, Randall, and pay your half of the utilities! Mwhahaha

Meatwad:
I wanted a bunny rabbit, I was gonna name it Nathan... that's Latin for 'warm' by the way... Nathan Scott Phillips.

Meatwad:
Hey Frylock, look! Me and Nathan are cuddlin', on the inside.

Master Shake:
Oh shut up, you drunk!

Meatwad:
Oh, so you just decide that I'm drunk? You can't decide. I make that decision.

Shake:
That's a deep kiss too, like the Europeans. You know, the French, they have to unhinge their jaw to show love.

Meatwad:
[Frylock's Nightmare] You killed us! I told you not to do it but you did it!... Anyways!

Frylock:
No! No, I didn't!

Master Shake:
Yes, you did.

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Carl:
YOU DID!

Meatwad:
YES YOU DID!

Frylock:
No... I didn't.

Master Shake:
Wait a minute, did you just to say that you did, because that's what you did.

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Meatwad:
BUT YOU DID!

Master Shake:
[dragging a ridiculously long box into the house] Hey, Meatwad! Your birthday rabbit came!

Meatwad:
Well, where is it? Lemme see! Wow... must be a really big bunny!

Master Shake:
Sure is! [grunts and struggles to get the box inside]

Meatwad:
Hurry up! I ain't got all day!

Master Shake:
[stops andstarts pushing the box back outside] No. No, I don't think so...

Meatwad:
Hey, now! Wait a minute!

Master Shake:
...because you seem to think I'm some kind of slave now, is that it?

Meatwad:
I'm sorry, you can bring the bunny rabbit in here. Now, I need it!

Master Shake:
And you can have it! It's *your* snake!

Meatwad:
[pause] My snake? But...

Master Shake:
Snake...

Meatwad:
But you said you got me a rabbit.

Master Shake:
...rabbit. Yes, well... why don't you look inside the box first instead of flying off the handle like this?

Meatwad:
[opens box and a snake slithers out] That ain't no damn bunny rabbit!

Master Shake:
Well, whaddya know? It's a snake!

Master Shake:
[Meatwad just won tickets to the Super Bowl in a bag of chips] Give me those! Those are mine, I won them!

Meatwad:
I bought the bag! I get the bag and everything inside the bag!

Master Shake:
And you have the bag.

[Puts Meatwad into bag]

Master Shake:
Look, you're a deep sea diver. Go drink some salt water.

Frylock:
Shake, Meatwad bought the chips. The tickets are his.

Master Shake:
[hits wall] Well, is that right?

Frylock:
Yeah, that's right.

Master Shake:
Well, no one escapes the... from... the... Alcatraz!

[Shake buys Meatwad a moped to get him to take him to the Superbowl]

Master Shake:
Hey, look who just got a mini-bike!

Meatwad:
Look who just insulted me with this ten-horsepower piece of crap. You think I'm a child?

Master Shake:
Don't look at the streamers, look at the frame. This is a man's bike.

Meatwad:
Keep her cranked. Let me go get my dolly.

Meatwad:
[Meatwad has just described his trip to the Super Bowl, which sounds really similiar to that of taking a trip to a farm] Yep, Super Bowl's are fun. We got bragging rights this year! Number one...

Master Shake:
Who?

Meatwad:
Number one!

Master Shake:
Who? Who's 'Number one'?

Meatwad:
I dunno...

Master Shake:
YOU DON'T KNOW? Because you went to a f***ing FARM you f***ing imbecile! Get back here, you cost me my one chance! I got f***ing DIABETES and CANCER because of you!

Master Shake:
Who, who's number one?

Meatwad:
I don't know.

Master Shake:
You don't know, because you wouldn't blew a f***ing fine you f***ing imbusule, come back here you cost me my one chance! I got f***ing diabetes and cancer because of you.

Master Shake:
[to Meatwad] I got f***ing diabetes and cancer because of you!

Master Shake:
You lookin' for somethin'?

Meatwad:
Just everlasting peace.

Meatwad:
Yeah, that'd be fun... if I was stupid.

Master Shake:
Hey, stay away from my buddy! He's *my* good friend! But if you tell anyone I said that, I will deny it up and down.

Carl:
Meat-man... ever since my son was... never conceived, because I've never had consensual sex without money involved... I've always kind of looked at you as... a thing, that I could live next to... in accordance with state laws.

Frylock:
[Shake and Meatwad are strapped to chairs] Gentlemen, the OoGhiJ MiQtxxXA!

Master Shake:
Frylock, come on, are you really gonna call it that?

Frylock:
Well, yeah. I mean that's the Klingon word for superior galactic intelligence, and that's what this is.

Master Shake:
Superior galactic grandma after eating a block of cheese, smoking three packs of cigarettes, and drinkin' a quart of milk. Disgusting, that's the word.

Frylock:
Well, I invented it and I can call it what I want!

Master Shake:
Fine. Hey, good luck with the casual sex. I mean it. No. Because you won't get it. Not with that name. Anyway, go on, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Frylock:
[sighs] Meatwad, what do you think?

Meatwad:
...My butt itches.

Frylock:
All right, all right, fine! What should I call it then?

Master Shake:
Bad-Ass Motha'!

Meatwad:
No, Snoopy! Or Schroeder. One of them two.

Master Shake:
No! The Bad-Ass Motha' 4000!

Meatwad:
The Red Baron!

Master Shake:
Goes twice as fast as your ass!

Oog:
So there me was beating boulder into powder because me couldn't eat it, and magic ball land in lap. Naturally me think, "All right, free egg." because... me stupid and me caveman. So me spent about three days humping and bust open with thigh bone so me could eat it good. Then magic ball shoot Oog with beam, and next thing me know me go out and invent wheel out of dinosaur brain. Magic dino wheel rolls for three short distance until me eat it. The point is, me get smarter. Soon me walk upright, me feather back dirty matted hair into wings for style, and me stop to use bathroom as opposed to me just doing it as me walk.

Meatwad:
Give him Clam Digger

Frylock:
I don't think Clam Digger is...

Oog:
Clam Digger. Give Oog Clam Digger.

Meatwad:
Oh you gonna love this, boy. Tyrone calls you up, you know, in the game, and he says, "I can dig more clams than you, stupid!" And you've got to say, "Nuh-uh, boy!" And then y'all gotta race down to the beach with your buckets and your shovels. And the object of the game... is to find parking.

Oog:
No Clam Digger.

Carl:
Okay Candy, I'm sorry - I guess we're not in America. I guess now I'm not allowed to pay for sex with pennies.

Err:
[Err and Ignignokt walk into view] "A" is for apple, "J" is for jacks.

Ignignokt:
[noticing the OoGhiJ MiQtxxXA] Look Err, free egg.

Err:
[jumps atop the computer] Damn, yeah! For straight, for shizum!

Ignignokt:
[looks to the screen] Try having omelettes now, Denver!

Err:
Omeletoids!

Ignignokt:
Did you hear what I said, Denver?

[raising both middle fingers to the screen]

Ignignokt:
Or shall I turn it up for you?

Dr. Weird:
Steve.

Steve:
Yeah?

Dr. Weird:
[a snake is wrapped around his head]

Dr. Weird:
Pick up that stick and slowly... and carefully now... agitate the hell out of this snake!

Steve:
Aw hell no!

Meatwad:
I'm callin' Japan.

Master Shake:
Who the hell do you know in Japan?

[shouts]

Master Shake:
Nobody!

Meatwad:
Hello, Japan?

Master Shake:
No!

Meatwad:
Yes, connect me to Godzilla please.

[Shake has just received a disfiguring face-lift]

Master Shake:
Frylock! You're into that science crap. You can fix this for me!

Frylock:
[sarcastic] Oh, I thought I was inferior. I don't know. Is the unwashed allowed to touch the golden?

Master Shake:
Well, maybe this one time I can let it pass. I won't tell anyone.

Master Shake:
Maybe I'll get a Benetton ad where they look for freaks...

Frylock:
Shake, you're not a freak, ok?

Carl:
[faintly, from Shake's window] Hey, come look at this freak here!

Frylock:
I mean, yes, you do have a pair of large nostrils going down your back, and... they're running.

Carl:
Oh my god, look at that - [Frylock lowers the blinds] AWWW FRYMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' TO ME HERE? This is fun!

Master Shake:
Was he talking about me?

Frylock:
No, of course not.

Carl:
[faintly] Awww you missed it, it's a huuge milkshake, yeah he's like a freakin...

Frylock:
I gotta go.

[Dr. Weird is standing next to a lawnmower, gesturing to it]

Dr. Weird:
GENTLEMEN! I... have made LOVE to this MACHINE! And in retrospect... I ask myself WHY!

Meatwad:
[Meatwad rolls up to Carl dragging a bag behind him] Hey Carl!

Carl:
Oh great, you've seen me.

Meatwad:
Hey, you want to contribute to Sir Loin's hunger drive? He goin' to feed the shorties y'all.

Carl:
[Meatwad hands Carl the bag, Carl takes it] Yeah, let me see here. I think I got some, uh, oysters over here.

Meatwad:
[Carl proceeds to spit into the bag] Oh, thank you.

Carl:
And be sure to thank Sir Loin for keeping me up all night.

Meatwad:
Yeah, I do that. Hey, I thought that oysters had shells?

Carl:
No, usually, but not these. They were, uh, farm raised... in my throat... with cheese. Hey uh, you want some crabs? Cause I got some of them.

Meatwad:
No... no my, my bag's pretty full right now.

Carl:
I don't know if they're Alaskan King, but they feel huge...

Meatwad:
This here's my demon face. You see, I'm Satan's onion... scallion...

Frylock:
Minion?

Meatwad:
No, not that.

Master Shake:
I swear, it's gonna be hell week all rolled up into one night up in here.

Frylock:
Could you please shut up, Meatwad?

Meatwad:
Huh-uh. I got a lot to say.

Meatwad:
Is that what I think it is?

Frylock:
It's an N.S.T., a Neural Speech Transmitter.

Meatwad:
No, huh-uh. its my B.N.C.S. My Brushed Nickel Colander, Stupid. Now take them wires off there and give it back, I need to drain my spaghetti.

Frylock:
Meatwad, you don't cook, you sleep in this thing.

Meatwad:
Shut up, you got fetishes!

[to communicate with an alien, Frylock has invented a device made from an inverted colander]

Frylock:
The point is, I made this.

Shake:
What is that? For vegetables?

Frylock:
Well, it translates brain synapses and neural skull vibrations into audible speech frequencies.

Shake:
Yeah, I got one o' them too; it's called a mouth.

Carl:
[Travis of the Cosmos is peeing on Carl's house while the Aqua Teens watch] Hey, who's your dead friend? He's dead.

[everyone scatters]

Carl:
Oh, you're leaving? What are you doing? You haven't even urinated on all of my house yet.

Frylock:
Here's 5 dollars. Go see a movie.

Master Shake:
Mmm. Motion pictures are 10 dollars.

Frylock:
Fine! Here's 10.

Master Shake:
What about popped corn?

Frylock:
Whatever! Damn! Just go!

Travis:
I would say that... perseverance number one atritude... aptude... attribute. I people person. Uh, work good with children. People rike me. Because I force them to! With violence!

Mall Manager:
Well that's, uh... do you uh, do you have any questions for me, or?

Travis:
I rule you.

Mall Manager:
Well, it was really nice to meet you, and uh, and I'll let you know in the near future if we start hiring

[coughs]

Mall Manager:
animals.

Travis:
Thank you b*tch. Suck it dry!

Travis:
I rule you!

Meatwad:
Frylock, he says he rules us!

Frylock:
That's it mister! Time out for you!

Travis:
Oh, damn.

Frylock:
What did I just hear you say?

Meatwad:
I heard him, he said "damn," dammit. Only adults like us are allowed to say damn, b*tch-ass, and hell. So get your hellin', damnin' ass back in that bitching damn room, dammit.

Frylock:
[gives Meatwad angry look]

Meatwad:
What? Damn, I was just helping you out, b*tch.

Voice on Tape:
[the Spore is learning how to speak English] Why don't you come up to my room for a drink? I'll be nude.

The Spore:
Come up to room for drink, nude be me!

[a lawnmower is propped up with a brick; running. Meatwad is slowly extending a wiener towards the blades]

Frylock:
Meatwad, no!

[Shake is watching from Carl's living room window]

Master Shake:
Meatwad, yes! Are you seeing this?

Meatwad:
Let me go off-topic for a minute. You know how much protein is in a weenie shake?

Frylock:
No.

Meatwad:
Zero.

Frylock:
[Carl's house has burned down and he's just gotten back from the hospital with a foot grafted to his head] Well, Carl, you can stay with us for now.

Carl:
[laying down in an antbed] Yeeaahh, thank you Daddy...

Frylock:
[hears a gunshot from Carl's house] He finally did it.

Master Shake:
[Carl has been shot in the foot] You need the doctor?

Carl:
Yes please.

Master Shake:
It's ringing.

Carl:
Oh God...

Master Shake:
Hello. Doctor Cheesesteak? We require one sandwich...

Carl:
I'm gonna blow you away.

Master Shake:
[trying to calm Frylock down about the bills] Look, we got electricity... and we got each other.

[electricity is cut off]

Master Shake:
Look, we got each other. What, are you gonna bill us for that now?

Frylock:
You are about to learn a lesson in responsibility Shake!

Master Shake:
I'm responsible... for getting us into that club that one time. I smooth-talked that dude. You saw me lay it down.

Frylock:
Frankly, Shake, I can live like this. You can't. And if you don't pay these bills, we'll just see how long it takes before you go out of your freaking mind.

Master Shake:
I'm not backing down on this, *ever*!

[falls off chair]

Master Shake:
Turn on the lights, I want you to see the look on my face! Do you hear me? Or did they send a guy out to shut off your ears because I didn't pay the ear bill?

[Shake crashes through a window, landing in the front yard]

Master Shake:
[shouts] Where the hell is the switch?

Meatwad:
Hey, should we get Shake? Cause he's gettin eaten by aphids.

Frylock:
Nah, he'll get a ride.

Frylock:
You know what tonight is?

Carl:
Yeah the night I'm downloading porn at 14 kilobytes a second!

Carl:
Ha! I'm just kidding. I got a cable modem back here.

Meatwad:
You should just give in and realize that we is dumb, dumb as hell.

Master Shake:
[noticing a basketball net embedded in him] Looks like an Ethiopian toilet seat.

Shake:
Something's been jabbing me in the ass all week.

Frylock:
What the hell? There is something here.

Shake:
What is it? Looks like an Ethiopian toilet seat.

Frylock:
It's a basketball hoop.

Shake:
What is this bas-ket-ball you speak of?

Frylock:
Aw Hell! I forgot to put sports on the damn DVD!

Shake:
And what is this

[laugh]

Shake:
S-SPORTS you speak of?

Wayne the Brain:
Go ahead. Ask forth your questions unto the all-knowing Wayne, and Wayne shall deliver unto you the answer of correctitude.

Santa Claus:
Meatwad, why did you wake me up in the middle of July?

Meatwad:
I want me some presents. I've been a good boy for the first quarter and most of the second quarter of this year.

Santa Claus:
It's the middle of [bleep] ing July! Those Faggoty elves don't even come in until September.

Meatwad:
Santa, I need presents. I need a unicycle, a banana suit, and a banana hat to wear with the banana suit.

Santa Claus:
Well, then I'll just waltz on down to the Free Present store! Do you know how much those things cost?

Santa Claus:
Ohhh, thank you Frylock. [gasps] If I survive... I'M GONNA BEAT THE F*CK OUT OF THAT LITTLE MEATBALL.

Frylock:
Santa, I am SO SORRY. Meatwad just... he got a little carried away...

Santa Claus:
He got A LOT carried away. You know that remote control racecar he's been wanting? Oh, he's gonna get it... FAR... UP HIS ASS!

Frylock:
Now, now, Santa... calm down...

Santa Claus:
Might see if the reindeers like MEAT this year!

Frylock:
Now lie down Santa, just... rest now, okay?

Santa Claus:
Oh, you! You're his asswipe roommate, aren't you? Oh, if I go down, who will deliver the toys? YOU? You have no idea how it works, do you? Don't even have a clue. Y'know what? Let me borrow your phone. HO HO HO HO. I'm gonna call the POLICE.

Frylock:
No, I don't think so. You're not going to do that.

Santa Claus:
I-is that a mirror? B-bring that to me. How does my face look?

Frylock:
Well... you'll be okay, soon as you grow... your beard back... and your eyebrows...

Santa Claus:
I'm Horror Claus! Oh, God... it's getting cold in here...

Frylock:
Meatwad, Get in here!

Santa Claus:
Yes, take a look at WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!

Santa Claus:
Thank you Frylock, for saving my life. Because if I survive this... I'm going to beat the sh*t out of that meatball!

Frylock:
Santa, it's not his fault. He just got a little carried away.

Santa Claus:
He got A LOT carried away. You know that remote control racecar Meatwads been wanting for Christmas? Oh he's gonna get it... FAR UP HIS ASS!

Frylock:
Santa, calm down you're going into shock.

Santa Claus:
Maybe I'll see if the reindeers like MEAT this year.

Frylock:
Santa, you should be fine by Christmas time.

Santa Claus:
Well then who will deliver the presents to the children? You have NO idea how it works do you? How about you get me a phone. Ho Ho Ho I'm calling the police.

Frylock:
No No Santa, you don't have to do that.

Santa Claus:
Get me a mirror I want to see myself.

Frylock:
I don't think that's the best idea.

Santa Claus:
Oh God, I'm Horror Claus!

Frylock:
Meatwad, Get in here!

Santa Claus:
Yes, see what you've done to me!

Shake:
What are we doing here Frylock? I mean, Egypt doesn't even exist! I mean, you don't hear DMX rap about it.

Meatwad:
I find this, highly effiligent, in, edumacationists, for my brain. Because, I am smart boy.

Meatwad:
Our minds must be conflicting because you say plague of snakes and all I hear is Easter bunny, Easter bunny, Easter bunny.

Frylock:
Thanks for moving me, Carl.

Carl:
Well, hey, thanks for leaving. When are the other two showin' up?

Frylock:
Oh, they're not.

Carl:
What do you mean... they're not?

Frylock:
They're staying in the house next to you.

Carl:
[angry] That's not exactly what we agreed upon, is it?

Frylock:
Well, I lied. But here's that candy cane I promised you.

Carl:
Naw, save it for Christmas. Just stick it right back up your ass. I'll, uh, see you never.

Master Shake:
Okay, but when we go in, watch your step.

Frylock:
Why?

Meatwad:
[explosion] Damn!

Ignignokt:
On the moon, the weekend has advanced beyond your wildest dreams. Weekends now take up the entire week, and jobs have been phased out accordingly.

Err:
We get checks from the government. And we use them to buy beer.

Master Shake:
Chickens are a vital link in nature's chain, and that's why we use them to play chicken-ball in the house.

Frylock:
Meatwad, how are you doing?

Meatwad:
Oh, Frylock, hey! I'm very...

[whispers]

Meatwad:
Can I tell you the truth?

Master Shake:
Meatwad!

Meatwad:
I'm very good!

Master Shake:
If you're that good, maybe you should be putting some more foam on that fire. I'm not an Eskimo over here, you know.

Frylock:
Well your face looks all... puffy.

Meatwad:
No, no, I'm just tired. I fell down some stairs.

Frylock:
We don't have any stairs, Meatwad.

Master Shake:
He said he fell down some stairs, he fell down some stairs. People get clumsy sometimes. Is there a problem here?

Frylock:
He's sick, Shake. And so are you.

Master Shake:
Well he's supposed to be next door harvesting the crops. Picking our dinner. See, we're farming now, we're farmers. It's an honest life.

Meatwad:
We ain't got no holly leaves over there, we ate that whole bush yesterday. That's why the bathroom hurt so bad!

Master Shake:
Well what else did you plant over there?

Meatwad:
I ain't planted nothing.

Master Shake:
That's why you fall down the stairs all the time!

Frylock:
[sniffs] Ooh, GOD! The house smells AWFUL!

Master Shake:
[makes a big show of talking through a gas mask, then finally pulls it off and exhales deeply] Ohhhh, God Almighty! I said, "I know, the house smells awful!"

Frylock:
Well, WHY? Why does it smell that way?

Master Shake:
Did we have to go to that tone, already? You start off so nice.

Frylock:
Look, all right, I'm sorry, okay? Just explain. PLEASE. WHY?

Master Shake:
Well, this is what I did, see.

[pause]

Master Shake:
You know how the flies have been a problem?

Frylock:
...No, I don't.

Master Shake:
And you know how I left all that meat out because I saw Mr. David Lynch on TV doing it, and he got on TV from doing it, and I did it and I didn't get on TV from doing it?

Frylock:
[angrily] No, I don't remember that.

Master Shake:
WELL, I DID. And of course, because of this, you get rats!

Frylock:
[groans] SO WHY DOES THE HOUSE SMELL?

Master Shake:
I'm not DONE! Now look, when we go in there...

[pause]

Master Shake:
...you gotta watch where you step.

Frylock:
[even angrier] And why is that?

Meatwad:
[an explosion is heard from in the house] DAMN!

Master Shake:
...That is part of the reason.

Frylock:
Where do you think our TVs come from?

Master Shake:
Jesus?

Meatwad:
No. It's Santa Claus.

Master Shake:
It's the same thing.

Meatwad:
No, it ain't. And I should know. I'm Jewish.

[pause]

Meatwad:
From this day forward.

Shake:
What the...? This closet used to be full of TVs!

Meatwad:
Cause you keep breaking them.

Shake:
Cause you keep pissing me off!

Meatwad:
Hey, you're on the TV!

Master Shake:
Yeah, I know. This is my sitcom...

Evil TV Shake:
I'm in your house!

Master Shake:
...With the science fiction, horror twist.

Evil TV Shake:
[rises up holding tons of cloned money] Caaaaall me. [cackles insanely as audience members laugh]

Psychotic TV Frylock:
[during Shake's sitcom] I'm the one who's sorry, OK? I'm sorry I made the cheerleading squad and you didn't. [Audience members say "awwwwwwwwwwww!"]

Evil TV Shake:
It's OK. You were the better cheerleader.

Psychotic TV Frylock:
Well, I wasn't no slouch. Didja see me do those cartwheels? [canned laughter]

Meatwad:
[laughs] I identify with that.

Evil TV Shake:
OK, OK, don't rub it in... [canned laughter]

Meatwad:
[laughs] And there's the zinger...

Psychotic TV Frylock:
OK, then how about I blow it in? [shoots him]

Evil TV Shake:
Wha - ["awwwwwwwwww!"]

Evil TV Puppet:
This your right, thats your right. This is your right. Your gonna die.

Master Shake:
There is something wrong with that TV.

Frylock:
There is nothing wrong with that TV.

[TV starts gushing blood]

Frylock:
Okay, there is something wrong with that TV.

Master Shake:
I'm not in the business of seeing whatever pleases you!

Meatwad:
Well I'm in business.

[under his breath]

Meatwad:
Business of kicking your ass, and let me tell ya, business is booming. I'm open for business, business of giving you the business... up your butt.

Meatwad:
[Meatwad looks up and sees Master Shake with a baseball bat] Did you hear me say that?

Master Shake:
You looking to expand your business?

Meatwad:
[runs away] Business is closed!

George Washington:
[the Aqua Teens are on the verge of murdering each other after cloning millions of dollar bills] I come bearing a message. Great Britain sought taxes from the colonies, and they paid for their greed with blood. Now do you understand the price of avarice?

Master Shake:
Blow him away, Frylock.

George Washington:
Wait!

Frylock:
[destroys George Washington with his shotgun] Man, we should have cloned twenties. Jackson wouldn't have given a sh*t.

Carl:
How did you frickin' get in here?

Master Shake:
Powers. I have 'em!

Frylock:
Shake, were you even listening to me?

Master Shake:
I have to! Because I get yelled at if I don't!

[Carl's house has become infested with termites]

Carl:
I'm certainly not gonna sign for any more packages with the word "Congo" written in blood.

Dr. Weird:
My ass has finally decided to eat my hand! It hungers for more!

Master Shake:
You're being rude to me. Don't chain me down with your manners.

Carl:
Hey! Hey! Look at my hair! It's actually rockin' a little harder now!

Carl:
I couldn't help but notice when we made eye contact... I really like your shoes, try laughter, laughter is a good thing. Screw this, this is lame. Hey! I saw you checking out my goods! You want a sample? A little try-before-you-buy, eh? Come here, b*tch, stand and deliver!

Master Shake:
Get over here b*tch, please.

Hooker:
See if they want to join us...

Carl:
Jackpot! I knew there was something special about you and I'm not just saying that 'cause you're a whore, but you are a total whore.

Frylock:
Carl, let her go! You're highly infectious. Carl I'm afraid you've been clowned.

Carl:
Yeah, I thought my flipflops felt a little tight.

Frylock:
Carl, we need to get rid of that wig.

Carl:
No! It gave me confidence and almost sex.

Carl:
[out of breath] Yeah, I wrote that. It's called "I Wanna Rock Your Body", then in parantheses it says "Til The Break O' Dawn". I wanna rock your body, baby!

Carl's Girlfriend:
Oh, baby...

[hacking cough]

Carl's Girlfriend:
...that's rockin'.

Master Shake:
Hey! What's up?

The Wisdom Cube:
Chicken Butt... ha ha ha ever hear that one?

Master Shake:
Yeah all the time... when I was in the second grade.

The Wisdom Cube:
It's a good'in.

Master Shake:
Could you define good'in?

The Wisdom Cube:
Get me the business pages I want to give someone the bussiness.

Master Shake:
Yeah I'm gonna be inside... away from you.

Meatwad:
This one time I rent me a pressure washer, start my own business called "Meatwad Pressure Washing." But then I's told, "You got to have a license for that." I said, "License? I ain't even s'posed to be in this country!" And then he got all mad.

Meatwad:
This one old boy, he give me a job mopping up late night at this children's apparel store. He said that I made a worser mess than it was. Dat's discrimination.

Frylock:
[in bondage gear] Tell me I've been bad!

Meatwad:
...Uh, yes, you... you've been acting up lately.

Master Shake:
A little bit of that guy goes a long way.

Master Shake:
Yeah, all-being? He's doing the 10 pound ball joke all wrong!

The Wisdom Cube:
Is this the golf course? It is? Do you have 10 pound balls? No? Then how do you walk? Hahahahah! How do you walk with tha... Regular? PPPFFBBBBBBFTTTTT! Hahahahaha!

Master Shake:
I mean that doesn't make sense any way you hear it.

[the Aqua Teens have been visited by a robotic turkey from the future]

Frylock:
I think he's crazy.

Master Shake:
No, I really think he's from the year 9595!

Meatwad:
Yeah, me too.

Master Shake:
Did you listen to his story?

Meatwad:
I did. And it checks out.

Frylock:
[praying at the Thanksgiving dinner] Lord, we thank you for the fellowship that we...

Meatwad:
Wait... what's a fellowship?

Master Shake:
[frustrated] It's a gay bar down on 9th! Are you thanking the Lord for our nautically-themed gay bar?

Frylock:
[annoyed] For the fellowship that we share with our neighbor Carl!

Carl:
[outside by the window] Oh, no! Do *not* include me in this! The Lord does *not* need to know that I am here!

Meatwad:
Oh, hi Carl!

Carl:
Is that all you came to say? We, uh, we done here?

Turkatron:
Enjoy those tacos now, for in 1000 years they will be illegal... eh Ha Ha Ha! I think we all know why.

Turkatron:
Is that taco pie?

Meatwad:
Mmm-hmm.

Turkatron:
Taco pie!

Meatwad:
I added food coloring because it's a holiday. But it turned black, because I added all the food coloring I had. Then I ate this butter straight out of the tub, because it tastes good. There's a reason behind everything.

[Carl walks out his house eating a turkey leg. The army of Turkatrons see him]

Turkatron:
[Looking at Turkey Leg] What is that?

Carl:
Um... it's your great, great, great...

[the Turkatrons aim their laser guided sock missiles at Carl]

Carl:
...Your mother!

[the Turkatrons blow Carl up]

Ignignokt:
And everyone understands how this will come about? Remember, there are no dumb questions.

Mothmonsterman:
Um, yeah, right here...?

Ignignokt:
In the back, yes, the retard with the dumb question.

Satan:
Satan like funny box.

Ignignokt:
Mooninites duplicate, reunite, and annihilate.

Err:
Lock in!

[Mooninites create huge laser gun]

Ignignokt:
Was this in your plan?

Err:
I don't think it was!

Ignignokt:
Square the Quad-Laser and you have, behold: The Quad-Glaser.

Err:
I thought it was Glacier, man!

Ignignokt:
Yes, the Quad-Glacier... that's what I said.

Err:
Would you just hurry up and fire it, it's getting heavy!

Ignignokt:
You with all the great plans: you shall not see the next decade. You shall never know that turtlenecks will come back... in a big way.

Err:
[off-balance] Would you hurry up, I can't hold it up much longer, my legs are gonna... ow! Damn!

Ignignokt:
...Fire!

[a huge laser block is fired]

Err:
Why they call it the Glacier?

Ignignokt:
Do you want it done fast, Err, or do you want it done right?

Err:
I just want it done! Damn! My legs!

Ignignokt:
[Ignignokt and the villains are preparing to kill the Aqua Teens] Aqua Teens! Come out and face your doom, for we are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday...

Master Shake:
[gets eaten by clams, his last words] AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE FOREVER!

Master Shake:
[Telling Meatwad how to cross the street] Look, theres only one way to get across this street, you close your eyes and just waltz out there with complete disreguard for machine.

Meatwad:
Pedestrian always has the right of way.

Master Shake:
Yes. Unless?

Meatwad:
You in the way?

Meatwad:
Pedestrian always has the right of way.

Master Shake:
Yes. Except?

Meatwad:
When you... in the way?

Dr. Weird:
GENTLEMEN! Who stole my Hairarium?

Steve:
Your what?

Dr. Weird:
My hair helmet!

[In reality, it's on his head]

Steve:
It's uh, right there.

Dr. Weird:
Oh... BULLSHIT!

Frylock:
[Frylock realizes that the chocolate milk in the fridge has expired] You're not getting any chocolate milk, Meatwad. It's expired.

Meatwad:
But I like it when it's chunky. It's spreadable and it's edible.

Master Shake:
You are the *gayest* monster since GAY came to *Gaytown*!

Willie Nelson:
Woooooooah... Easy! Whe-Where's this comin' from?

Master Shake:
No! Let's get down to it! What I *say* is very *baffling*!

Frylock:
Hey, hey! Woah, woah, woah, woah, *woah*, you two! We don't want any trouble here, now, okay?

Willie Nelson:
Naw, I'm with you! I don't think violence solves anything.

Master Shake:
[shouts] God, you're gay! You don't think violence *solves* anything? What kinda monster are you?

Willie Nelson:
Look, I'm... I'm pretty... hardcore. I mean... I've been know to..."Do a number" on plenty of "cats."

Master Shake:
Do a number? Yeah, I bet you "do a number"... In your *tights*... on *Broadway*. Which is where you *moved* to, after you left Texas Chainsaw Mascara... where you're *from*!

Master Shake:
[to Frylock] Look who just ruined Halloween... You know, you're like an A-Bomb. Everyone's laughin', havin' a good time, and then you show up. BOOM! Everything's dead.

Master Shake:
No! Let's get right down to it. What I say is very baffling.

Master Shake:
[to Willie] You are the gayest monster since gay came to Gay-town!

Carl:
Oh, so it's sorta like that movie "Predator". Only instead of hunting people, he's, like, crappin'.

[Meatwad has placed numerous eyes in his head]

Meatwad:
Look at me, I'm Shaun Cassidy!

Master Shake:
Ha! Good one. What the hell are you talking about?

Meatwad:
Well, you know, he was a Hardy boy, and they was private eyes... plus, he had like ten eyes in his head.

[Carl's body is made entirely of eyeballs]

Carl:
Let me see a mirror.

Master Shake:
Here you go, "Shaun Cassidy".

Carl:
[seeing his reflection] Ohhh! Gross!

Master Shake:
What are you, an idiot? You never heard of Shaun Cassidy?

Meatwad:
Go fart yourself.

Meatwad:
Fudge you, butthole.

[Carl's head has been grafted to a new body]

Carl:
I don't remember being so old... and so black.

Dr. Weird:
[as an answering machine message] Gentlemen. You have reached Dr. Weird's residence. Now speak at the tone!

Telemarketer:
Hello, Dr. Wire... Wired... Wi... Weird.

Dr. Weird:
Steve, send the phone spiders.

Telemarketer:
This is Jay Edwards with, uh, Chauna Construction Company. With Spring here, we thought you might be interested in a new deck. AHH! Spiders! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!

Dr. Weird:
No, I guess we're not interested. Ah ha ha ha!

Frylock:
Carl, did you lose something behind the couch?

Carl:
Yeah I did! I lost peace and quiet!

Frylock:
Do you know how much water is used up every time you flush the toilet?

Carl:
I give. What?

Frylock:
Three gallons.

Carl:
Wow, what a waste. The poor children.

Meatwad:
Well, he ain't gonna poop in the yard. I mean, he'll go inside to do that.

Frylock:
Not if his door's locked.

Meatwad:
I just can't go, you know, with people watching.

Master Shake:
We don't need a toilet. The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for us for years, and it will continue to work.

Master Shake:
Mail call! Frylock, letter for you! Meatwad... get a life!

Master Shake:
Well, look. I mean, is he gonna be able to chase us? Cause if I woke up lookin' like that, I would just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.

Frylock:
[after placing Carl's head on the machine] I give you the ultimate in military hardware! Complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton, and motion activated plasma pulse rifles.

Master Shake:
And you're gonna plug him in?

Frylock:
You're right. Damn, what the hell was I thinking?

Meatwad:
Fudge.

Frylock:
That's not an F-bomb.

Meatwad:
Fudge you.

Carl:
[Carl wakes up with a body made entirely of eyeballs] Why do my knees feel like they wanna tear up?

Meatwad:
I'm gonna start dropping F-bombs. Listen to this: Fart you, fart head.

Master Shake:
Will he be able to chase us? 'Cause if I woke up looking like that I would just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.

Oglethorpe:
Get the Universal Remonster. He knows how to do it.

Frylock:
He's dead.

Oglethorpe:
Impossible! The Remonster can only be killed by stabbing him in the heart with the ancient bone saber of Zumacalis!

Emory:
Or maybe his head and lungs too. Just stab him wherever.

Oglethorpe:
And the saber probably doesn't have to be bone.

Emory:
Yeah, just anything sharp lying around the house.

Oglethorpe:
You could poke him with a pillow and kill him.

[Frylock puts the TV in the crawlspace]

Frylock:
You know, I think I've finally found a good use for the TV.

Master Shake:
You put that right back upstairs!

Frylock:
No.

Master Shake:
Well, then, you help me move down my chair down here so I can watch it. HERE!

Frylock:
No, I won't.

Master Shake:
Uh... well... I will pee all over my pants, and THEN who's gonna end up looking bad? Huh?

Frylock:
You just stay down here with your TV and f*cking shove it.

Master Shake:
[calls after Frylock]... Well, maybe I WILL!

Oglethorpe:
[Emory keeps calling saying "Stargate"] IT IS A FARGATE! From the makers of Findependence Day! We will give it a mohawk and wheelchair if you need help.

Meatwad:
I thought you said TV was bad!

Frylock:
Oh, I know. But we f*cking need it.

Frylock:
Shake, how many TVs have you broken this year?

Master Shake:
A *lot* more than *you* have!

Emory:
I figure, maybe we should call him the Universal Remobot, because?

Oglethorpe:
No! The T-Shirts already say Universal Remonster! Not, Universal Re-Piece-of-Crap, like you would!

Emory:
[indicating Universal Remonster T-shirt] Is that, like, a Powerpuff Girl, or something?

Oglethorpe:
No! Can you not see she has a pink mohawk and a wheelchair? We're not getting sued.

Frylock:
Shake, did you hear those chains rattling?

Master Shake:
Oh, did that frighten YOU? Hey, check this out! [the Universal Remonster throws a chain into Meatwad's room]

Meatwad:
AHHHHHHHH! no, the chains! FROM MY DREAMS!

Meatwad:
[after being terrorized by Shake using the Remonster to thrash all his stuff around] Hey, did y'all see a ghost pass through here? 'Cause I been hoping like hell that he's gone...

Master Shake:
He probably went to the store to get some more food for his demons.

Meatwad:
Ohh, are you serious?

Master Shake:
You DO know where the demon food store is, right?

Meatwad:
What are you talking about?

Master Shake:
It's right BEHIND YOU!

Meatwad:
[horrified] OHHHHH NOOO!

Master Shake:
You're IN IT!

Meatwad:
I'M IN THE STORE?

Master Shake:
You're in the demon produce aisle! [Meatwad runs screaming from the house]

Meatwad:
Oh, no, the chains! From my dreams!

[Oglethorpe hits Emory with a lamp]

Emory:
Ow! Damn! You hit me in the chin!

Oglethorpe:
Oh, sorry, I thought you were a ghoul.

Emory:
Well, I'm not.

Oglethorpe:
Well, it was your own damn fault for making noises like a ghoul.

Emory:
Dude, I was flushing the toilet!

Oglethorpe:
Ghouls do that.

[pause]

Oglethorpe:
When they're making brownies.

Emory:
Well, uh...

Oglethorpe:
Shh! Did you hear that? He's in the attic now. He'll kill us. Get the kitchen knife!

Emory:
Uh, the kitchen is *in* the attic.

Oglethorpe:
Well, great, then he has the knife now!

Frylock:
Does either one of you know the penalty for stealing cable?

Oglethorpe:
Ca-ble? Pfffft. We have technology light years beyond your comprehension. Observe... the light stick!

[shakes a broken lamp around]

Oglethorpe:
It's not working, Emory! I don't know what's wrong with it.

Emory:
You broke it on my head, dude.

Oglethorpe:
[Getting the finger from the Mooninites] Hey, what's wrong with your fingers? They seem to be all up in my grill, when they would be better placed CRAMMED UP YOUR BUTTOCKS!

[thinks]

Oglethorpe:
...Binzatch!

Meatwad:
[referring to his digestive system] It's like the Thunderdome in here. Only... two men enter, no man leaves. Starring Mel Gibson... and Master Blaster.

Frylock:
That's not a toy!

Master Shake:
You say that about everything you own. You should own toys. They're fun.

Carl:
Hello ladies, say hello to Goliath. We had to order special elastic pants for him on the internet.

[after enlarging his penis, the crabs from Carl's genitalia are also enlarged, and begin to jump from his pants]

Frylock:
What the hell is that?

[a crab walks past Meatwad, who is immobile in the hallway, due to a large computer chip inside him]

Meatwad:
Look, Frylock! Crabs! Can we keep 'em?

[a whole crowd of crabs run past him]

Meatwad:
Boy, there's a lot of them!

Carl:
Look, they're harmless. If they give ya trouble, hit 'em with the shampoo.

[holds up a bottle of Pubio Pride Shampoo]

[Spacecataz, continuing from the previous episode, where Ignignokt flipped off Oglethorpe]

Err:
Oh man, that was so... Oh man, he's backin' up! F***in' fly, he's backin up! Come on!

Ignignokt:
No. We'll double his pleasure.

Err:
[as he and Ignignokt flip both fingers for the both of them] Take two, mother muchachos!

Ignignokt:
And call us in the morning.

Err:
Yeah call us! We'll be drunk!

[Master Shake has killed himself in Carl's pool]

Frylock:
Oh my God!

Carl:
Fryman, I am so sorry... that I, uh, can't press charges here...

Witch Doctor:
Now, repeat after me. I Am...

Carl, Frylock, Meatwad:
I Am...

Witch Doctor:
Sofa King...

Carl, Frylock, Meatwad:
Sofa King...

Witch Doctor:
We Todd Ed.

Carl, Frylock, Meatwad:
We Todd Ed.

Witch Doctor:
Now say it again, faster.

Carl, Frylock, Meatwad:
I Am Sofa King We Todd Ed.

Witch Doctor:
Hahahaha! You said a very funny thing.

Billywitchdoctor.com:
Chicken, arise! Arise, chicken!

Carl:
[Carl, Meatwad and Frylock are holding hands in a s?ance] Hey, can we stop holdin' hands in Fairyland, here?

[Meatwad is playing his video game "Insult Master"]

Meatwad's opponent:
Hey man! You stole my wristwatch!

Meatwad's character:
You dumb! I already have a wristwatch!

Video Game Narrator:
Buuuuuuurned!

Meatwad:
Yeah, burned!

Meatwad's opponent:
I saw you lookin' at it!

Meatwad's character:
Yo momma you did!

Video Game Narrator:
Classic comeback!

Meatwad's character:
Yo momma yo momma yo momma yo momma

Video Game Narrator:
[Meatwad's opponent catches on fire] Incineration! You are the Insult Master!

Master Shake:
[narrating his suicide note, after killing himself in Carl's pool] Friends... relations... Whatever the hell Meatwad is... I've lived a full life. It's actually been pretty bitchin'. But now, regrettably, my life has been taken. Please bury me with all my stuff, because you know it's mine... Dearest Meatwad: Turn on that dumb game 'cause I'm gonna wail on you from the grave, baby! Suck it up, mutha! Missing you already, M.S.

[Meatwad is playing a seance video game]

Frylock:
Shake, he needs complete silence so he can contact the dead.

Master Shake:
What he needs is a lack of oxygen, so he can *become* the dead!

Carl:
If you need anything, you know who to look to - someone else.

Master Shake:
Feast your eyes on this valley of plenty, where it never rains, and when it does rain, it only rains joy, at least until I became king, like, two months ago. You'll see. Welcome to Shaketopia.

Master Shake:
Alright, everybody knows their roles. You, fan! You, feed! And you, um...guy? Bring your master and commander his portable gaming console.

Glorfinoid #1:
Fantastisploosh. Yes, my liege.

Master Shake:
I deserve way more than you can ever give me.

Master Shake:
Of course, I am a benevolent dictator, working hand in hand with the Glorfinoids to build a better life -- for me -- on their ancestral lands, b*tch!

Meatwad:
Hey, what do a dick look like?

Frylock:
Don't you draw a dick on him!

Meatwad:
I already drew robots and superheroes. That's all there is to draw.

Meatwad:
Look -- you gotta admit, it has been fun without him popping off at me. [referring to Shake]

Frylock:
Speak for yourself! You ain't gotta feed him and put Vaseline on his cracked-ass lips.