Black-Adder II

Blackadder:
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic HERD.

Baldrick:
Have you got a plan, my lord?

Blackadder:
Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.

Baldrick:
I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord.

Blackadder:
Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.

[Percy and Queen Elizabeth are playing frisbee]

Lord Percy:
[Catches the frisbee] Howzat.

Queen Elizabeth:
Percy, who's Queen?

Lord Percy:
[Throws it away] Butterfingers.

Blackadder:
Shut up, Balders. You'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.

Lord Melchett:
This is no time for jokes Blackadder, we've been kidnapped!

Blackadder:
[remembering that he said 'only real idiots get kindapped'] Ooooh God! How incredibly embarrassing!

Blackadder:
Uggh, the devil farts in my face once again...

Simon Partridge:
[drunk] Large one? [waves feather extravagantly] Sounds pretty *rude*, doesn't it?

Blackadder:
They have one great redeeming feature: their wallets. More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on.

Blackadder:
Baldrick, get the door.

[there is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door]

Blackadder:
Now, Baldrick, I advise you to make whatever explanation you are about to give exceptionally good.

Baldrick:
You said get the door.

Blackadder:
Not good enough, you're fired.

Baldrick:
But, my Lord, I've been in your family since 1532.

Blackadder:
So has syphilis. Now get out.

Blackadder:
So, Baldrick, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, I want you to pass me water. Understand?

Baldrick:
Yes, m'lord. When you ask for ale, I pass water.

Blackadder:
Which reminds me, Auntie...

Lady Whiteadder:
Don't call me "Auntie." Aunt is a relative and relatives are evidence of sex. Which is hardly a fitting conversation for the dinner table.

Blackadder:
Or indeed, any table.

Lord Percy:
Except perhaps a table in a brothel.

Lady Whiteadder:
Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics.

[Edmund is trying to impress his puritan relatives]

Blackadder:
This is a house of simple purity.

Monk:
[Runs in and vomits in fireplace] Great booze-up, Edmund.

Lady Whiteadder:
Do you know that man?

Blackadder:
No.

Lady Whiteadder:
He called you Edmund

Blackadder:
Oh, know him? Yes, I do.

Lady Whiteadder:
Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?

Blackadder:
[very long pause] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.

[Elizabeth has coerced Blackadder into having a drinking party that night. He is trying to get it postponed a day because his rich Puritan relatives will be visiting]

Queen Elizabeth:
I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.

Blackadder:
Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!

Queen Elizabeth:
Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.

Queen Elizabeth:
[about Lord Melchett, who is drunk] He was banging on the castle gates and falling over, and singing a curious song about a girl who possessed something called... a dicky-dido?

Simon Partridge:
[as Queen Elizabeth emerges from the closet] Whoa, another stripper.

Geoffrey Piddle:
[as Lord Whiteadder also appears] And a male stripper!

Monk:
Oh yes, this is much more like it!

[removes The Queen's cloak, revealing her identity]

Simon Partridge:
And she's come dressed as the queen.

Geoffrey Piddle:
Sexy!

Queen Elizabeth:
[indignant] Do you know who I am?

Blackadder:
[entering] Yes. I know who you are.

Geoffrey Piddle:
Who?

Blackadder:
You're Merlin, the Happy Pig.

Queen Elizabeth:
Wrong, I'm afraid. I am the Queen of England.

[they all kneel]

Queen Elizabeth:
I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman. But I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.

Simon Partridge:
Prove it!

Queen Elizabeth:
[playfully] Certainly will.

[picks up a large mug of beer]

Queen Elizabeth:
First I'm going to have a little drinkie, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you.

Lady Whiteadder:
Chairs! You have chairs in your House?

Blackadder:
Yes, well...

[she slaps him twice]

Lady Whiteadder:
Wicked Child! Chairs are the work of Belezabub! At our house Nathaneal sits on a spike!

Blackadder:
And yourself?

Lady Whiteadder:
I sit on Nathaneal! Two spikes would be an extravagance.

Lady Whiteadder:
[Edmund returns from the drinking contestant with a pair of fake breasts strapped on] You seem to be wearing a pair of Devil's Dumplings!

Blackadder:
Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.

Lord Percy:
Yes, I heard that.

Blackadder:
Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total d*ckhead to remind me I'm best.

Blackadder:
Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.

Lord Percy:
Yes, I've heard that.

Blackadder:
Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total d*ckhead to remind me I'm best.

Blackadder:
Baldrick! Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?

Baldrick:
To catch mice my lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.

Blackadder:
And do they?

Baldrick:
Not yet my lord.

Blackadder:
That's right, your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom.

Lord Flashheart:
She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.

Lord Melchett:
Gray, I suspect, your Majesty.

Queen Elizabeth I:
I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett.

Lord Melchett:
Gray is more usual, Ma'am.

Queen Elizabeth I:
Who's Queen?

Lord Melchett:
As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants...

Lord Percy Percy:
I'd like to meet the Spaniard who can make his way past me.

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
Well, go to Spain; there are millions of them

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
Aah, and who is Jane?

Lord Percy Percy:
I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know. [Blackadder kicks him in the gonads] Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington. We're very much in love, my lord.

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
This is *the* Jane Herrington?

Lord Percy Percy:
Yes.

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
Jane "bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin" Herrington.

Lord Percy Percy:
I... , I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
No... Tall, blond, elegant?

Lord Percy Percy:
Right, that's right.

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
Goes like a privy door when the plague comes down?

Lord Flasheart:
Ah, Melchett. Still worshipping God? Last I heard... He'd started worshipping me.

Lord Flasheart:
Nursie. I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down, boy, down.

Lord Flasheart:
I've got a plan, and it's as hot as my pants.

Doctor Leech:
It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?

Blackadder:
Not really, no.

Doctor Leech:
Bloody Hell. I would be. Still, why should I complain. Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?

Blackadder:
Look, am I paying for this abuse or is it extra?

Doctor Leech:
No, no, it's all part of the service.

Lord Flasheart:
She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.

Blackadder:
I seek information about a Wisewoman.

Young Crone:
Ah, the Wisewoman... the Wisewoman.

Blackadder:
Yes, the Wisewoman.

Young Crone:
Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman. And second, she is...

Blackadder:
Wise?

Young Crone:
You do know her then?

Blackadder:
No, just a wild stab in the dark which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?

Young Crone:
Of course.

Blackadder:
Where?

Young Crone:
Here. Do you have an appointment?

Blackadder:
No.

Young Crone:
Well, you can go in anyway.

Blackadder:
Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you.

Lord Flasheart:
Woof!

Kate's Father:
I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us and must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.

Kate:
But father surely...

Kate's Father:
Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute.

Kate:
Never! Father.

Kate's Father:
Do you defy me?

Kate:
Indeed I do for tis better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy.

Kate's Father:
No it isn't.

Kate:
I'm young and strong, clever, my nose is pretty. I shall find another way to earn a living.

Kate's Father:
Oh please go on the game. It's a steady job and you'd be working from home.

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
Well young man, you've got yourself a job. What do they call you?

Kate:
Kate.

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
Isn't that a bit of a... girl's name?

Kate:
Oh it's, erm, short for, erm... Bob.

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
Bob?

Kate:
Yes.

Lord Edmund Blackadder:
Well, Bob, welcome on board.

Blackadder:
Get out, get out libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you. May you both rot in the filth of your own fornication!

Queen Elizabeth I:
And what did you say to him?

Blackadder:
Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window.

Queen Elizabeth I:
Oh Edmund, you're so naughty!

Blackadder:
Well, I try, Madam. And then, ten minutes later when I've got my breath back, I try again.

Blackadder:
Well, as you know, Madam, I have had experience of this dreadful situation. Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.

Lord Melchett:
Well, then you know something of the dreadful pain involved.

Blackadder:
Indeed I do. And can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.

Queen Elizabeth I:
Which was?

Blackadder:
"Get stuffed."

Blackadder:
For "young man," read "young idiot." Look, anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed dago come up to them in a corridor, say "Excuse me Meester," and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.

Blackadder:
Awh, God, God, God. What on earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it. Where am I?

Lord Melchett:
[groans] Ooohhhh...

Blackadder:
Who's that?

Lord Melchett:
It is I, Melchett.

Blackadder:
Melchett! You really ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know. It's a real mess!

Lord Melchett:
This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped!

Blackadder:
No speako dago. I demand to see the British Ambassador, understand?

Torturer:
Necesito silencio para comenzar.

Queen Elizabeth I:
[Speaking of Edmund:] Well then he's vanished. Simply vanished.

Lord Percy Percy:
Like an old oak table.

Queen Elizabeth I:
Vanished, Lord Percy, not varnished.

Queen Elizabeth I:
Lord Percy...

Lord Percy Percy:
Yes?

Queen Elizabeth I:
It's up to you. Either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.

Lord Percy Percy:
[thinks for a few seconds] I'll shut up.

Blackadder:
Oh, fire, fire. Ah good. Right. So let's recap. Um... if I admit that I am in love...

Torturer:
No! No!

Blackadder:
Sorry, head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument...

Torturer:
Una guada?a, una guada?a.

Blackadder:
...resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite... um... and roast them over a large fire.

Torturer:
Si, Si.

Blackadder:
Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and... and... all his... his little wizards, y-you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade.

Torturer:
Y!

Blackadder:
And remove my testicles with a blunt... oh I see. Well, well, in that case, I love Satan.

Queen Elizabeth I:
Oh I don't know, I've looked everywhere.

Lord Percy Percy:
[concentrating intensely] Perhaps... they're not... hiding... at all! Perhaps they've been kidnapped!

Queen Elizabeth I:
Nonsense! As Edmund said, "Only real idiots get kidnapped."

Prince Ludwig:
Forgive me, Herr Blackadder... I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my a-po'-lo'-gies.

Blackadder:
I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.

Blackadder:
Oh, yes. We are proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just because we can say 'Zur' instead of 'Sir,' it seems at all social gatherings the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.

Prince Ludwig:
[miffed] BE QUIET!

Blackadder:
What else have you got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire, I wonder? Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glasweigan, no doubt. An hilarious black man: 'See you Jimmy, where am dat watty-melon?' Oh, fabulous. I can't wait for your side-splitting poof, and that funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but is such a scream. And most of all, I like the one you do all the time, the fatheaded German chamber pot standing in front of me.

Prince Ludwig:
Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.

Blackadder:
She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.

Prince Ludwig:
You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.

Blackadder:
I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.

Prince Ludwig:
Y'know, I think, I think that a week from now, you'll be less in the mood for being amusing.

Blackadder:
At least when I am in the mood, I can be amusing.

Prince Ludwig:
I shall read it to you.

Blackadder:
Ah, typical master criminal, loves the sound of his own voice.

Prince Ludwig:
But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to, let us say, gain access to your Queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.

Blackadder:
Are you suggesting we betray her?

Prince Ludwig:
Oh yes.

Blackadder:
All right.

Lord Melchett:
Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty, honor, self-respect?

Blackadder:
What of them?

Lord Melchett:
Nothing.

Prince Ludwig:
[laughs] Oh, what joy. See how you collapse before me you great and corruptible English nobs. So proud of your great, big 'stiff upper lips'.

Blackadder:
One thing, Ludwig, just before you go...

Prince Ludwig:
What?

Blackadder:
Were you ever bullied at school?

Prince Ludwig:
What do you mean?

Blackadder:
Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.

Prince Ludwig:
Nonsense, no, no, at my school having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.

Blackadder:
I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year.

Prince Ludwig:
Shut up! SHUT UP! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me Shorty Greasy Spot-Spot again!

Blackadder:
Who the hell are you, sausage breath?

Mad Prince Ludwig:
You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?

Blackadder:
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Mad Prince Ludwig:
Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play ze biscuit game at ze old pizzel in Dover?

Blackadder:
My God!

Mad Prince Ludwig:
Yes! I... was the waitress!

Blackadder:
I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?

Mad Prince Ludwig:
[falsetto] Will you have another piece of pie, my Lord?

Blackadder:
But I went to bed with you, didn't I?

Mad Prince Ludwig:
For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

Blackadder:
Yes, well I'm not. I must have been paralytic!

Prince Ludwig:
Do you remember when you were in Cornwall, at the monastery, there was an old shepherd wizh whom you used to talk?

Lord Melchett:
Good Lord! Timkins?

Prince Ludwig:
Yes! I was one of his sheep!

Lord Melchett:
His sheep? Not...

Prince Ludwig:
Yes!

Lord Melchett:
Flossy?

Prince Ludwig:
Yes!

Lord Melchett:
But didn't we...

Prince Ludwig:
Yes, Lord Melchett! Baaaaaa!

Blackadder:
We told him that if the queen was having a party, that Nursie always goes as a cow. From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.

Queen Elizabeth I:
How could you be sure it was not Nursie?

Blackadder:
Because, lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise. Whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation. All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow.

Lord Percy Percy:
Welcome Edmund. Did you... miss me?

Blackadder:
I certainly did. Many was a time, Percy, I say to myself, 'I wish Percy was here'... [Percy gets sentimental]

Blackadder:
...being tortured instead of me.

Queen Elizabeth:
And me, did you miss me Edmund?

Blackadder:
Madam, life without you is like a broken pencil.

Queen Elizabeth:
Explain...

Blackadder:
Pointless.

[Melchett and Blackadder are prisoners of Prince Ludwig]

Lord Melchett:
What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up.

Blackadder:
That all depends whether you want the slop bucket over your head or not.

Lord Melchett:
Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.

Blackadder:
Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: Face, sodding, your, shut.

Lord Melchett:
[Blackadder and Melchett are chained in Prince Ludwig's dungeon] Alas! shall I never see England more? Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows...

Blackadder:
...And her playful sheep.

Prince Ludwig:
Baaaaaa!

Blackadder:
[to Ludwig's henchman] Yes, what is it? [henchman hits Blackadder on the head]

Blackadder:
[angry] I said, what is it, not hit me hard on the head with a... [collapses]

Prince Ludwig:
I shall return and wreak my rewengey!

Blackadder:
No you won't, you will die and be buried.

[throws knife at him]

[At the Queen's costume party, Baldrick is crouched with two pencils up his nose]

Queen Elizabeth:
What are you meant to be?

Baldrick:
A pencil case.

Queen Elizabeth:
Unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed around here. Your animal still isn't housetrained, Percy's still unemployed, and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.

Nursie:
Moo!

Lord Melchett:
This is no time for jokes Blackadder, we've been kidnapped!

Blackadder:
[remembering that he said 'only real idiots get kidnapped'] Ooooh God! How incredibly embarrassing!

Lord Melchett:
As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport.

Blackadder:
Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Contemptible. Worth a try.

Nursie:
Ointment, that's what you need when your head's cut off.

Lord Percy Percy:
The fashion today is towards the tiny.

Blackadder:
In that case you have the most fashionable brain in London.

Lord Melchett:
Gray, I suspect, Majesty.

Queen Elizabeth I:
I think you'll find it was orange, Lord Melchett.

Lord Melchett:
Gray is more usual, Ma'am.

Queen Elizabeth I:
Who's Queen?

Lord Melchett:
As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants...

[first lines]

Blackadder:
Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?

Baldrick:
Some beans.

Blackadder:
Yes... and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?

Baldrick:
A very small casserole.

Blackadder:
Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?

Baldrick:
Three.

Blackadder:
What?

Baldrick:
...and that one.

Blackadder:
Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?

Baldrick:
Oh. Some beans.

Blackadder:
Yes. To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

[after seeing Percy's giant ruff]

Blackadder:
You look like a bird who swallowed a plate Percy.

Lord Percy Percy:
It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather sexy.

Blackadder:
To another plate swallowing bird perhaps, if it was blind and hadn't had it in months.

Blackadder:
We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace, and yet, Ploppy, you are, without a doubt, the most repulsive individual I have ever met. I would shake your hand, but I fear it would come off.

Lord Percy:
Well, yes, My Lord, I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it but I have been wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!

Blackadder:
Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldrick's own features, and many might think, incidentally, that that would be reason enough for him to wear it.

Blackadder:
I'm off to see the Queen.

Lord Percy Percy:
Oh, should I come too, my lord?

Blackadder:
No, best not. People might think we're friends.

Bishop of Bath and Wells:
Never have I encountered such foul, mindless perversity. Have you considered a career in the church?

Bishop of Bath and Wells:
[Blackadder has blackmailed the Bishop with a nude painting of him with Percy] Never, in all my years, have I encountered such cruel and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?

Blackadder:
No, I could never get used to the underwear.

Baldrick:
[Baldrick knocks on Blackadder's bedroom door to find him sleeping with a prostitute] My Lord? There's someone at the door.

Blackadder:
[wakes up groggily] What time is it?

Baldrick:
It's, uh, four o'clock.

Blackadder:
Baldrick, how many times have I told you, you mustn't let me sleep all day! This woman charges by the hour!

Baldrick:
Uh, no, my Lord, it's, uh, four o'clock in the morning.

Blackadder:
Someone wants to see me at four o'clock in the morning? What is he, a giant lark?

Baldrick:
Uh, no, I think he's a priest.

Blackadder:
Well, tell him to take his sacred backside elsewhere! And tell him that furthermore, if he comes nosing around again, I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns children during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards!

Bishop of Bath and Wells:
[the Bishop is preparing to ram a red-hot poker up Blackadder's bottom, but takes a swig from a flagon offered by Baldrick] Bend over, Blackadder! This is where you get...

[gags, clutches at throat]

Bishop of Bath and Wells:
Drugged, by God!

Blackadder:
No, by Baldrick actually, but the effect is much the same.

Lord Percy Percy:
I've done it, my Lord! I've discovered how to turn things into gold! Pure gold!

Blackadder:
You have? Show me!

Lord Percy Percy:
[takes lid off melting pot, and Baldrick, Percy and Blackadder are bathed in a green glow] Behold!

Blackadder:
Percy... it's green.

Lord Percy Percy:
Yes, my Lord!

Blackadder:
Now, look, Percy, I don't mean to be pedantic or anything, but the color of gold... is gold. That's why it's called gold. What YOU have discovered, if it has a name, is some... Green.

Lord Percy Percy:
[removes lump of Green from pot] Oh, Edmund... can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest Green?

Lord Percy Percy:
Yes indeed, Percy, except that it's not really a nugget but more of a splat.

Blackadder:
Yes, my Lord. A splat today, but tomorrow, who knows, or dares to dream...

Blackadder:
This place smells worse than a pair of armored trousers after the Hundred Year War. Baldrick! Have you been eating dung again?

Lord Percy:
My Lord! I have waited on your return!

[Percy hugs Blackadder]

Blackadder:
And thank God you did, Percy, for I was just thinking to myself, "My God, I die in 12 hours, what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat."

Lord Percy:
After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold, pure gold.

Blackadder:
Are you sure?

Lord Percy:
Yes, my lord. Behold.

Blackadder:
Percy... it's green.

Lord Percy:
That's right, my lord.

Blackadder:
Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's *called* gold. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is "green".

Lord Percy:
Oh, Edmund, can it be true, that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest green?

Blackadder:
Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it's not really a nugget, it's more of a splat.

Lord Percy:
Well, yes, a splat today... but tomorrow - who knows, or dares to dream?

Blackadder:
So we three alone in all the world can produce the finest green at will?

Lord Percy:
Just so. Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.

Lord Percy:
My Lord. I have waited on your return.

[hugs Blackadder]

Blackadder:
And thank God you did Percy, for I was just thinking to myself: "My God, I die in 12 hours, what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat.'

Blackadder:
[after Baldrick leaves bedroom] Well, you're a one, aren't you? When you should whispering sweet conversational nothings like, 'Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets,' you don't say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you won't stop jabbering.

Molly:
He treats me like a human being!

Blackadder:
Look, if I wanted a lecture on the Rights of Man, I would have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

Blackadder:
Baldrick!

Baldrick:
My lord?

Blackadder:
Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the house.

Baldrick and Percy:
[Shocked] What?

Blackadder:
There's nothing else for it. I mean I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.

[threatening Blackadder with a red-hot poker]

Bishop of Bath and Wells:
I shall make your bottom wish it had never been *born*!

Baldrick:
There's a priest wants t'see you, m'lord.

Blackadder:
Well, tell him I'm Jewish.

Baldrick:
[Black Adder is in desperate need of money to pay a debt to the Bank of the Black Monks of St Herod] I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks. Doing favours for sailors.

Blackadder:
What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?

Blackadder:
[Arthur wants Blackadder to tell him a children's story because he misses his mother] And then Squirry the Squirrel went "Ni, Ni, Ni" and they all went home for tea.

Arthur the Sailor:
Thanks very much, me ol' shivering mateys! Now, how much do you charge for a good hard shag?

Blackadder:
[nervously] A thousand pounds.

Arthur the Sailor:
A thousand pounds? You've got to be joking!

Blackadder:
Well, I'm sure we could negotiate. [Tosses soliciting placard to Baldrick]

Blackadder:
[next scene: back at home] Right, so we've got sixpence.

Mrs. Pants:
But what about the privies?

Blackadder:
Um, well, what we are talking about in privy terms is the latest in front wall fresh air orifices combined with a wide capacity gutter installation below.

Mrs. Pants:
You mean you crap out the window?

Blackadder:
Yes.

Mrs. Pants:
Well in that case we'll definitely take it. I can't stand those dirty indoor things.

Blackadder:
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!

Blackadder:
[Reading a gravestone] William Greeves, born 1513 in Chelmsford with the Love of Christ. Died 1563 in Agony-with-a-Spike- up-his-Bottom.

Lord Percy:
Now, Edmund. If you're not careful, all the children will dance around your window singing Sourpuss and Grumpyface and you don't want that, now do you?

Queen Elizabeth:
It's him. Oh, God. Do I look absolutely divine and regal, and yet and at the same time very pretty and rather accessible?

Blackadder:
It is said, Percy, that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that by learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.

Lord Percy:
[delighted] Yes, I'd heard that.

Blackadder:
Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total d*ckhead to remind me I'm best.

Blackadder:
I have better things to do than listen to Sir Rather-A-Wally Raleigh.

[Blackadder shows Baldrick a potato]

Blackadder:
I mean, look at this. What is it?

Baldrick:
I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.

Blackadder:
I haven't forgotten; it's a rhetorical question.

Baldrick:
No, it's a potato.

Queen Elizabeth:
Oh, and Edmund was right. You do smell like fish. PHOOHEY!

Balladeer:
Blackadder! Blackadder! He heard the new world call. / Blackadder! Blackadder! Discovered bugger all!

Blackadder:
By the day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais! Captain, set sail for France!

Captain Rum:
Aye Aye, sir!

[the day after the day after tomorrow]

Blackadder:
So you don't know the way to France either?

Captain Rum:
No, I must confess that too

[Blackadder nods. Takes in this important information]

Blackadder:
Bugger

Blackadder:
I was under the impression that it's common maritime practice for a ship to have a crew?

Captain Rum:
Opinion is divided on the subject.

Lord Melchett:
Ah Blackadder, talking to yourself, I see.

Blackadder:
Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation.

Queen Elizabeth:
[knock at door] Who is it?

Lord Melchett:
It is I, your majesty.

Queen Elizabeth:
Stop! Close your eyes. Now enter.

[Blackadder and Melchett enter. Melchett has his hand over his eyes]

Queen Elizabeth:
[doing a very bad imitation of a sailor] Ahoy there me shivering matey, heave-ho.

[normal voice]

Queen Elizabeth:
Right, now open your eyes.

Lord Melchett:
[uncovers eyes] Thank you ma'am. And um...

[looks around room]

Queen Elizabeth:
[practically squealing with delight] What's the matter Melchie?

Lord Melchett:
[very obviously humouring her] Well I beg your pardon your majesty, but I was hoping to greet the gallant young sailor who hallooed me as I came in. Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away.

Queen Elizabeth:
[mischievously] No. It was me!

Lord Melchett:
Majesty! Surely not.

Blackadder:
You utter creep.