Blackadder Goes Forth

Lieutenant George:
But this is brave, splendid and noble...

[Blackadder doesn't react - there's a long pause]

Lieutenant George:
...Sir

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant George:
I'm scared, sir

Private Baldrick:
I'm scared too, sir

Lieutenant George:
I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leapfroggers from the golden summer of 1914. I don't want to die... I'm really not over keen on dying at all, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
How are you feeling, Darling?

Captain Darling:
Ahm- not all that good, Blackadder. Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show, go back to work at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says: "Bugger".

Captain Blackadder:
Well, quite.

[Outside:
"Stand to, stand to, fix bayonets"]

Captain Blackadder:
Come on, come on, let's move. [at the door, Blackadder turns to George] Don't forget your stick Lieutenant

Lieutenant George:
Rather, sir. Wouldn't want to face a machine gun without this.

[they walk into the misty trench, waiting for the off - suddenly there is silence - the machine guns stop]

Captain Darling:
I say, listen - our guns have stopped.

Lieutenant George:
You don't think...

Private Baldrick:
Perhaps the war's over. Perhaps it's peace.

Captain Darling:
Thank God. We lived through it. The Great War, 1914 to 1917.

Captain Darling, Private Baldrick, Lieutenant George:
Hip hip hooray!

Captain Blackadder:
I'm afraid not. The guns have stopped because we are about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They feel it's more sporting to let the Germans do it.

Lieutenant George:
So, we are, in fact, going over. This is, as they say, it?

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, unless I can think of something very quickly. [a voice shouts 'Company, one pace forward.' They all step forward]

Private Baldrick:
There's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir. A bloke could hurt himself on that.

[another call:
"Stand ready" - they put their hands on the ladders ready to climb] I have a plan, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Really Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?

Private Baldrick:
Yes, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

Private Baldrick:
Yes, sir.

[another call:
"On the signal, Company will advance"]

Captain Blackadder:
Well, I'm afraid it's too late. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of here by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here? [a whistle blows he looks at Baldrick]

Captain Blackadder:
Good luck, everyone.

[Blackadder blows his whistle, there is a roar of voices as everyone leaps up the ladders, meeting the machine gun fire]

[repeated line]

Private Baldrick:
I have a cunning plan.

General Melchett, Lieutenant George:
Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream / Belts off, trousers down / Isn't life a scream? / Whoa!

Captain Blackadder:
I can't believe I've been so stupid.

Private Baldrick:
Yeah, that is strange cause normally, I'm the stupid one.

Captain Blackadder:
I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.

[First lines]

Captain Blackadder:
Baldrick, what are you doing out there?

Private Baldrick:
I'm carving something on a bullet, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
What are you craving?

Private Baldrick:
I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Why?

Private Baldrick:
It's part of a cunning plan, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Of course it is.

Private Baldrick:
You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?

Captain Blackadder:
Yes?

Private Baldrick:
Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it. Cause I'll never shoot myself...

Captain Blackadder:
Oh, shame!

Private Baldrick:
And the chances of there being *two* bullets with my name on it are very small indeed.

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, it's not the only thing that is "very small indeed". Your brain for example- is brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

Private Baldrick:
You know my dad was a nun.

Captain Blackadder:
No he wasn't.

Private Baldrick:
He was too, sir. Cause whenever he was up in court and the judge asked "occupation", he'd say "none".

Lieutenant George:
Tally-ho pip-pip and Bernard's your uncle.

Captain Blackadder:
In English we say, "Good Morning."

Lieutenant George:
Look what I got for you sir.

Captain Blackadder:
What?

Lieutenant George:
It's the latest issue of "King & Country". Oh, damn inspiring stuff; the magazine that tells the Tommies the truth about the war.

Captain Blackadder:
Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included in the French marriage service.

Lieutenant George:
Come, come, sir, now. You can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.

Captain Blackadder:
Certainly not, I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet-paper.

Captain Blackadder:
Hmm, do you know what this is, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant George:
It's a good old service revolver.

Captain Blackadder:
Wrong. It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it. I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.

Lieutenant George:
That's funny sir, because we didn't order those new trench-climbing ladders either.

Captain Blackadder:
New ladders?

Lieutenant George:
Yes, came yesterday. I issued them to the men, and they were absolutely thrilled. [calls to Baldrick] Isn't that right men?

Private Baldrick:
Yes sir, first solid fuel we've had since we burned the cat.

Lieutenant George:
Great Scott sir, you mean, you mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Hun a darned good British style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?

Captain Blackadder:
If you mean, "Are we all going to get killed?" Yes. Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.

Private Baldrick:
Rat au Van, Sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Rat au Van, Baldrick?

Private Baldrick:
Yes Sir, it's Rat that's been

Captain Blackadder, Private Baldrick:
Run over by a van.

Private Baldrick:
Yes Baldrick.

Lieutenant George:
Permission to shout "Bravo" at an annoyingly loud volume, sir.

General Melchett:
Permission granted.

Lieutenant George:
[screams] Bravo!

General Melchett:
Are you looking forward to the big push?

Private Baldrick:
No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.

General Melchett:
The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.

Captain Blackadder:
About thirty-five miles behind you.

Lieutenant George:
Oh, sir, if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?

Captain Blackadder:
Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump up 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

[on the new plan to win the war]

General Melchett:
There is, however, one small problem.

Captain Blackadder:
That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds?

General Melchett:
That's right. And Field Marshall Haig is worried that this may be depressing the men a tadge. So, he's looking to find a way to cheer them up.

Captain Blackadder:
Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious suggestion.

General Melchett:
Interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.

[George is asked why he didn't reveal his ability at painting before]

Lieutenant George:
I don't like blowing my own trumpet.

Captain Blackadder:
You might at least told us you had a trumpet.

General Melchett:
[to Baldrick] Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip and zing zang spillip! Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka?

Captain Blackadder:
Permission to speak.

[Baldrick is silent]

Captain Blackadder:
Answer the General, Baldrick!

Private Baldrick:
[whispers] I can't answer him, sir, I don't know what he's talking about.

Captain Blackadder:
What amazes me, Baldrick, is how you managed to get so much custard out of such a small cat.

Captain Blackadder:
I, on the other hand, am a fully rounded human being with a degree from the university of life, a diploma from the school of hard knocks, and three gold stars from the kindergarten of getting the sh*t kicked out of me.

Capt. Kevin Darling:
[Darling and Melchett are both eating a posh supper, which has actually been prepared by Baldrick] I suppose Blackadder and his boys will have gone over the top by now.

General Melchett:
Yes - God, I'd give anything to be out there with them, dodging the bullets instead of sitting here drinking this Chateau Lafite, and eating these filets mignons with sauce bearnaise! [By lucky chance, Baldrick has mentioned all of these foods earlier!]

Capt. Kevin Darling:
My thoughts exactly, sir. Damn this Chateau Lafite! [He takes a nice, big, satisfied sip]

General Melchett:
He's a very brave man, Blackadder, and, of course, that Lieutenant of his, George - Cambridge man, you know. His uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college. [He eats a filet mignon in sauce bearnaise] Slightly unusual taste, this sauce bearnaise.

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Yes, sir. [His face shows it tastes vile] And to be quite frank, sir, these mignons are a little, well...

General Melchett:
What?

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Well, dungy.

General Melchett:
What on earth's wrong with that cook?

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Well, sir, it's a rather strange story, sir.

General Melchett:
Well? Tell, tell.

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Well, sir, I received a phone call this morning from Pope Gregory IX, telling me that our cook had been selected for the English Cricket Team and must set sail for the West Indies immediately.

General Melchett:
Really?

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Barely a moment later, the phone rang again. It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs, who happened to be in the area, offering their services. So, I had the quarter-master take them on at once.

General Melchett:
[Melchett seems satisfied by this, and eats a bit of Plum Duff. He is repulsed by its taste and spits it out] Ah, Jumping Jerries! Are you sure these are real raisins in this Plum Duff?

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Oh, yes, I'm sure they are, sir. Everything will be all right once the cream custard arrives. [Which is really cat's vomit!]

[while hungover]

Private Baldrick:
Permission to die, sir?

[presiding over Blackadder's Court-Martial]

General Melchett:
Before we sentence the deceased, I mean defendant, I think we had better hear from the prosecution.

Lieutenant George:
I'm a complete duffer at this sort of thing. In the School Debating Society I was voted Boy Least Likely to Complete a Coherent... erm...

Lieutenant George:
My head... oh, my head... feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge. I misheard the rules and tried to push a whole aubergine up my earhole.

[Baldrick enters the witness box at Blackadder's trial]

Captain Blackadder:
[whispering] Baldrick, deny everything.

Lieutenant George:
You are Private Baldrick?

Private Baldrick:
No.

Lieutenant George:
Are you not Captain Blackadder's batman?

Private Baldrick:
No.

[Blackadder beats his head against the desk]

[Blackadder is about to be shot]

Corporal Perkins:
Well, Captain, I've got to admire your balls.

Captain Blackadder:
Perhaps later.

Captain Blackadder:
[on the telephone] You'd like to book a table for three, by the window, for 9:30 p.m., not too near the band, in the name of "Oberleutnant von Genschler". Yes? Yes? I think you might have the wrong number.

Lieutenant George:
I'm thick. I'm as thick as the big print version of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens.

Private Baldrick:
Pigeon, sir! There's a pigeon in our trench!

Lieutenant George:
Ah, now this is it.

Lieutenant George:
It's one of the king's carrier pigeons.

Private Baldrick:
No it's not, sir, that pigeon couldn't carry the king.

[last lines]

[Blackadder has found Baldrick and George drunk]

Private Baldrick:
I think I can explain sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Can you, Baldrick?

Private Baldrick:
No.

Captain Blackadder:
As I suspected. I'm not a religious man as you know, but henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into practice with the pair of you.

[the phone rings. Blackadder snatches it up]

Captain Blackadder:
Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling. Well, you know, some of us just have friends in high places, I suppose. No I can hear you perfectly. You want what? You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename "Operation Certain Death". Yes I think I have just the fellows.

[He hangs up and looks at the two]

Captain Blackadder:
God is very quick these days.

[George and Baldrick look terrified]

[Blackadder is waiting in his prison cell for the inevitable day when he will be executed]

Corporal Perkins:
Do you mind if I disturb you for a moment, sir?

Captain Blackadder:
No, no, not at all. My diary's pretty empty this week. Let's see, Thursday morning, get shot, yes, that's about it, actually.

Corporal Perkins:
It's just there's a few chaps out here would like a bit of a chinwag.

Captain Blackadder:
Oh, lovely. Always keen to meet new people.

[a small group of soldiers enter the cell]

Corporal Perkins:
Corporal Jones and Privates Spacer, Robinson, and Tipplewick

All:
Hello.

Captain Blackadder:
Oh, nice of you to drop by. And what do you do?

Corporal Jones:
We're your firing squad, sir.

Lieutenant George:
You're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to pile of poo.

[Blackadder is informed that a German spy is stealing battle plans]

General Melchett:
You look surprised, Blackadder.

Captain Blackadder:
I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.

General Melchett:
Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?

Captain Blackadder:
Our battles are directed, sir?

General Melchett:
Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan.

Captain Blackadder:
Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?

General Melchett:
Great Scott! Even you know it!

Captain Blackadder:
[sees Darling in the hospital] Darling, what are you doing here?

Captain Darling:
Bullet in the foot.

Captain Blackadder:
I can understand people at the front lines shooting themselves but you're 30 miles behind the trenches.

Captain Darling:
I didn't do it, the general did it.

Captain Blackadder:
Got tired of you already has he?

Captain Darling:
He wasn't aiming at my foot.

Captain Blackadder:
Oh so he was going for your head.

Captain Darling:
He wasn't aiming at anything.

Captain Blackadder:
So he was aiming for between your legs.

[Blackadder is interrogating Captain Darling who is suspected of being a German spy]

Captain Darling:
I'm as British as Queen Victoria!

Captain Blackadder:
So your father's German, you're half German, and you married a German!

[Blackadder thinks Nurse Mary is a German spy]

Captain Blackadder:
And then the final, irrefutable proof. Remember, you mentioned a clever boyfriend...

Nurse Mary:
Yes.

Captain Blackadder:
I then leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities, Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull.

Nurse Mary:
Well?

Captain Blackadder:
You failed to spot that only two of those are great Universities.

Nurse Mary:
Swine!

General Melchett:
That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!

Lieutenant George:
Smithy, you haven't seen any suspicious characters hanging around have you, who might be German spies?

Brigadier Smith:
Nein.

Lieutenant George:
Nine! Well, the cap's got his work cut out, then.

Captain Blackadder:
So in the name of security, sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert?

Captain Darling:
I'm only doing my job, Blackadder.

Captain Blackadder:
Well, how lucky you are then that your job is also your hobby.

[after his interrogation]

Captain Darling:
You'll regret this Blackadder. You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you.

Captain Blackadder:
Please, Darling. There are ladies present.

Nurse Mary:
When this war is over, do you think we might get to know each other a little better?

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, why not? When this madness has finished, perhaps we could go cycling together. Take a trip down to the old Swan at Henley and go for a walk in the woods.

Nurse Mary:
Yes. Or we could just do it right now on the desk.

Captain Blackadder:
Yeah, OK.

General Melchett:
Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?

Captain Blackadder:
Well, perhaps a little.

General Melchett:
Well, then, damn it all! What more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court martial offense!

Captain Blackadder:
I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.

General Melchett:
Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learnt from being in the Army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! 'Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed... by pooh-pooh!

General Melchett:
Something's the matter. Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose.

Captain Blackadder:
[protesting] Sir, your moustache is lovely...

Nurse Mary:
[in bed together, Nurse Mary is asking Blackadder whether he has a girl back home in England] And no casual girlfriends?

Captain Blackadder:
Skirt? Ha! If only. When I joined up we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt you shot him and nicked his country.

Captain Blackadder:
Can anyone tell me what's going on?

Captain Darling:
Security, Blackadder.

Captain Blackadder:
Security?

General Melchett:
Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word, but security isn't.

Captain Blackadder:
I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with "T".

Private Baldrick:
Breakfast.

Captain Blackadder:
What?

Private Baldrick:
My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage, then a egg with some little soldiers.

Captain Blackadder:
Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T", I was talking about a letter.

Private Baldrick:
Nah - it never begins with a letter. The postman don't come till 10.30.

Captain Blackadder:
I can't go on with this. George, take over.

Lieutenant George:
All right, sir. Umm... I spy with my little eye something beginning with "R"

Private Baldrick:
Army.

Captain Blackadder:
For God's sake, Baldrick. Army starts with an "A". He's looking for something that starts with an "R". Rrrrrrr.

Private Baldrick:
Motorbike

Captain Blackadder:
What?

Private Baldrick:
Well, a motorbike starts with an rrrrm rrrrm rrrrm.

Captain Blackadder:
Right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends in "Ow"?

Private Baldrick:
I don't know.

Captain Blackadder:
Come here.

Private Baldrick:
[Blackadder punches Baldrick in the face] Ow!

Captain Darling:
So you see, Blackadder, Field Marshall Haig is most anxious to eliminate all these German spies.

General Melchett:
Filthy hun weasels, fighting their dirty underhand war!

Captain Darling:
And fortunately, one of our spies...

General Melchett:
Splendid fellows, brave heroes risking life and limb for Blighty!

General Melchett:
[on catching the spy] Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out. Use any method you see fit. Personally, I'd recommend you get a hold of a cocker spaniel, tie your suspect down on a chair with a potty on his head, then pop his todger between two floury buns and shout "Dinner time, Fido!"

Nurse Mary:
Cigarette?

Captain Blackadder:
No thank you, I only smoke cigarettes after making love. So back in England I'm a twenty-a-day man.

Lieutenant George:
Ah Cap, I hear you've been seeing a lot of Nurse Mary.

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, almost all of her in fact.

Lieutenant George:
How is she Sir?

Captain Blackadder:
Unbelievable.

Captain Blackadder:
What about you? Have you got a man? Some fine fellow in an English country village? A vicar maybe? Quiet, gentle, hung like a baboon?

Captain Blackadder:
Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?

Private Baldrick:
I have a plan, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?

Private Baldrick:
Yes, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

Private Baldrick:
Yes, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?

Captain Blackadder:
[whistle blows] Good luck, everyone.

Private Baldrick:
No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder:
Do you mean "How did the war start?"

Lieutenant George:
The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire- building.

Captain Blackadder:
George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganiki. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.

Lieutenant George:
Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. [aside, to Baldrick] Mad as a bicycle!

Private Baldrick:
I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.

Captain Blackadder:
I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.

Private Baldrick:
Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.

Lieutenant George:
By Gum, this is interesting. I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.

Captain Blackadder:
You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Private Baldrick:
But, this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

Private Baldrick:
What was that, sir?

Captain Blackadder:
It was bollocks.

Private Baldrick:
So the poor old ostrich died for nothing then.

[discussing how the war began]

Private Baldrick:
I heard it started when some fella called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cos he was hungry.

Captain Blackadder:
I think you mean that it started when the Arch Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot.

Private Baldrick:
No, there was definitely an ostrich involved.

Lieutenant George:
Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.

Captain Blackadder:
What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?

Lieutenant George:
Captain Darling said they'd be along directly, but, well, you'd better be damn doolally.

Captain Blackadder:
Don't worry, George; I am. When they get here, I'll show them what 'totally and utterly bonkeroonie' means. Fwaf! Until then, we've got bugger-all to do except sit and wait.

Lieutenant George:
Well, I don't know, sir - we could, er, we could have a jolly game of charades!

Private Baldrick:
Ooh, yes!

Lieutenant George:
And a singalong of musical hits like "Birmingham Bertie" and "Whoops, Mrs Miggins, You're Sitting On My Artichokes."

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, I think bugger-all might rather be more fun.

Private Baldrick:
Permission to ask a question, sir...

Captain Blackadder:
Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn't the one about where babies come from.

Private Baldrick:
No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder:
Do you mean, "how did the war start?"

[Baldrick thinks for a moment]

Private Baldrick:
Yeah!

Captain Blackadder:
Millions have died, but our troops have advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.

Lieutenant George:
Oh, dash and blast all this hanging about, sir! I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol. When are we going to see some action?

Captain Blackadder:
Well, George, I strongly suspect that your long wait for certain death is nearly at an end. Surely you must have noticed something in the air...

Lieutenant George:
Well, yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.

[Phone rings Edmund answers it]

Captain Blackadder:
Hello; the Somme Public Baths - no running, shouting, or piddling in the shallow end. Ah, Captain Darling.

[pause]

Captain Blackadder:
Tomorrow at dawn. Oh, excellent. See you later, then. Bye.

[Hangs up. To George and Baldrick]

Captain Blackadder:
Gentlemen, our long wait is nearly at an end. Tomorrow morning, General Insanity Melchett invites you to a mass slaughter. We're going over the top.

Lieutenant George:
You know, I won't half miss you chaps after the war.

Private Baldrick:
Don't worry, Lieutenant; I'll come visit you.

Lieutenant George:
Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.

Captain Blackadder:
What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?

Captain Blackadder:
You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war two great super-armies developed. Us, the Russians and the French on one side, Germany and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea being that each army would act as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.

Private Baldrick:
Except, this is sort of a war, isn't it?

Captain Blackadder:
That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.

Lieutenant George:
O, what was that?

Captain Blackadder:
It was bollocks.

Captain Blackadder:
This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants.

Captain Blackadder:
[last lines]

Captain Blackadder:
[Before going over the top] Good luck, everyone.

Private Baldrick:
No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder:
Do you mean "How did the war start?"

Private Baldrick:
Yeah.

Captain Blackadder:
[upon realizing there is no way he can avoid going over the top] I think the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell".

Private Baldrick:
[re: the 1914 Christmas truce] Remember the football match?

Captain Blackadder:
Remember it - how could I forget it - I was *never* offside! I could not *believe* that decision.

Captain Blackadder:
[Pretending to be insane] [Speaking in a monotone voice] Wobble, Wobble.

Lieutenant George:
Oh We've survived it, The Great War, From 1914 to 1917.

General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett:
[while sending Darling to the trench] I'm just going to have to sit this one out on the touchline with the half-time oranges and the fat wheezy boys with a note from matron, while you young bloods link arms and go together for the glorious final scrum down.

[Blackadder and Darling meeting in the trenches shortly before going over the top]

Captain Blackadder:
How are you feeling, Darling?

Captain Darling:
Ahm... not all that good, Blackadder. Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show. Go back to work at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris... Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says: "Bugger."

Bob Parkhurst:
I want to see how a war is fought, so badly.

Captain Blackadder:
Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, high chief of all the vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

Captain Blackadder:
We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

[after Baldrick's Charlie Chaplin impersonation]

Captain Blackadder:
Yes... take down a telegram, Bob. To Mr. Charlie Chaplin, Sennet Studios, Hollywood, California. Congrats stop. Have found only person in world less funny than you stop. Name Baldrick stop. Signed E. Blackadder stop. Oh, and put a P.S.: please, please, please stop.

Captain Blackadder:
For us, the Great War is finito, a war which would be a damn sight simpler if we just stayed in England and shot fifty thousand of our men a week.

Captain Darling:
We received a telegram from Mr Chaplin himself at Sennet Studios: Twice nightly filming of my films in trenches: excellent idea stop. But must insist that E. Blackadder be projectionist stop. P.S. Don't let him ever... stop.

Bob Parkhurst:
I want to do my bit for the boys, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Oh really?

Bob Parkhurst:
I'll do anything, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, I'd keep that to yourself if I was you.

Lieutenant George:
You a bit cheesed off sir?

Captain Blackadder:
George, the day the war began I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes of you turning up, I had finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars, and at this late stage I am in a cab with two lady companions on my way to the Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.

Captain Blackadder:
[to Bob Parkhurst] Your disguise is as convincing as a giraffe wearing dark sunglasses trying to get into a polar bear's only golf club.

Captain Blackadder:
That is the worst idea in the history of entertainment since Abraham Lincoln said, "I'm sick of kicking around the house all day, let's go take in a show."

[the Russian Revolution has hit the trenches]

Private Baldrick:
Sir, sir it's all over the trenches!

Captain Blackadder:
Well, mop it up then.

Captain Blackadder:
[to George] If I should die, think only this of me, 'I'll be back to get you!

Private Baldrick:
[Blackadder has kicked Baldrick] You mustn't do that to me, sir, 'cause that is a bourgeois act of repression, sir!

Captain Blackadder:
What?

Private Baldrick:
Haven't you smelt it, sir? There's something afoot in the wind! The huddled masses, yearning to be free!

Captain Blackadder:
Baldrick, have you been in the diesel oil again?

Private Baldrick:
No sir, I've been supping the milk of freedom! Already our Russian comrades are poised on the brink of revolution. And here too, sir, the huddled wossnames - such as myself, sir - are ready to throw off the hated oppressors like you and the lieutenant! Present company excepted, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Go and clean out the latrines.

Private Baldrick:
Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

Private Baldrick:
They've already taken down Nicholas II, who used to be bizarre!

Captain Blackadder:
That's 'the tsar.'

Captain Blackadder:
Good thing the horny old blighter didn't ask you to marry him.

[George makes a smug face]

Captain Blackadder:
He did? Well, how did you get out of that one?

Lieutenant George:
Well, to be honest, sir, I'm not completely certain that I did.

Captain Blackadder:
WHAT? You said YES?

Lieutenant George:
Well, sir, I didn't feel that I could refuse. I mean, he is a general, he might have me court martialled!

Captain Blackadder:
Where as he's going to give you the Victoria Cross when he lifts up your frock on the wedding night, and finds himself looking at the last turkey in the shop!

Captain Blackadder:
There's something wrong with your fiancee.

General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett:
Oh my God, she's not Welsh, is she?

Bob Parkhurst:
[Reacting to the crowd's ovation to the variety show] They love him, sir. We're a hit!

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, in one short evening I've become the most successful impresario since the manager of the Roman Coliseum thought of putting the Christians and the Lions on the same bill.

Captain Blackadder:
Unfortunately most of the infantry think you're a prat. Ask them who they'd rather meet, Squadron Commander Flasheart or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they'd go for Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop every time.

[Flashheart laughs then punches Blackadder in the face]

Lord Flasheart:
All right men, let's do-oo-oo it! The first thing to remember is: always treat your kite

[Flashheart taps the picture of the Sopwith Camel with his cane]

Lord Flasheart:
like you treat your woman!

[Flashheart whips the air with his cane]

Lieutenant George:
How, how do you mean, Sir? Do you mean, do you mean take her home at weekends to meet your mother?

Lord Flasheart:
No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back.

Captain Blackadder:
I'm beginning to see why the suffragette movement want the vote.

Lord Flasheart:
Hey! Any girl who wants to chain herself to *my* railings and suffer a jet movement gets *my* vote!

Lord Flasheart:
Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm missing, five hundred girls will kill themselves. And I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they ought to be on my *face*! Hello? Cancel the state funeral, tell the king to stop blubbing, Flash is not dead! I simply ran out of juice! And before five hundred girls all go 'oh, what's the point in living any more?' I'm talking about petrol! Woof! Send someone along to pick me up. General Melchett's driver will do, she hangs round with a big knob so she'll be used to a fellow like me. Woof!

Captain Blackadder:
Look, do you think you could make your obscene phone call somewhere else?

Lord Flasheart:
No, not in half an hour you rubber desk-johnny! Send the b*tch with the wheels right now or I'll fly back home and give your wife something to hang her towels on!

Lord Flasheart:
[hangs up] Right! Let's dig out your best booze and talk about me till the car comes!

Lord Flasheart:
You look like a decent British bloke. I'll park the old booties on you if that's okay.

Private Baldrick:
It would be an honour, my Lord.

Lord Flasheart:
Of course it would! Ha!

Lord Flasheart:
[Flashheart rests his feet on Baldrick's back and sighs] Have you any idea what it's like to have the wind rushing through your hair, George?

Lieutenant George:
No, Sir.

Lord Flasheart:
[Flashheart breaks wind in Baldrick's face] He has!

Lord Flasheart:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. Now I may be packing the kind of tackle that you'd normally expect to find swinging about between the hindlegs of a Grand National winner, but I'm not totally stupid. I've got the kind of feeling you'd rather we hadn't come.

Captain Blackadder:
No, no, no, I'm very grateful. It's just that I'd slow you up.

Lord Flasheart:
I think I'm beginning to understand.

Captain Blackadder:
Are... are you?

Lord Flasheart:
Just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting on it, doesn't mean that I'm not sick of this damn war: the blood, the noise, the endless poetry.

Lord Flasheart:
Ok chums, let's doooooo it. As the bishop said to the netball team.

Lord Flasheart:
Enter the man who has no underwear. Ask me why.

Lieutenant George:
Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?

Lord Flasheart:
Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on!

Captain Blackadder:
Flasheart, this is Captain Darling.

Lord Flasheart:
Captain Darling? Funny name for a guy isn't it? Last person I called darling was pregnant twenty seconds later.

Captain Blackadder:
Baldrick, what are you doing?

Private Baldrick:
I'm a Sopwith Camel, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Ah, it is a Sopwith Camel. I always get confused between the sound of a Sopwith Camel, and the sound of a malodorous runt wasting everybody's time.

Lieutenant George:
Crikey, sir. I'm looking forward to today. Up diddly up, down diddly down, whoops, poop, twiddly dee - decent scrap with the fiendish Red Baron - bit of a jolly old crash landing behind enemy lines - capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time for tea and medals.

Captain Blackadder:
George, who's using the family brain cell at the moment? This is just the training - 6 months of dull men looking at machinery.

Lord Flasheart:
[Voice from outside the room] Hey, girls - look at my machinery! [Girls scream]

General Melchett:
If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.

Baron von Richthoven:
Ah, and the Lord Flasheart. This is indeed an honour. Finally, the two greatest gentleman fliers in the world meet. Two men of honour, who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies, face to face at last. How often I have rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The panoply to encapsulate the unspoken nobility of a comradeship.

[Flasheart shoots von Richthoven]

Lord Flasheart:
What a poof!

Gen. Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett:
Now then, then now, now then, then, then, then now. [pause] Now then, what's all the fuss about?

Lord Flasheart:
Woof!

Bob Parkhurst:
Woof!

Captain Blackadder:
God, it's like Crufts in here.

Captain Darling:
Excuse me, Sir

Lord Flasheart:
Yes, yes, prat at the back.

Captain Darling:
I'm sure we'd all like to know... Why are you called the Twenty Minuters?

Lieutenant George:
Oh, Mr Thicko, fancy not knowing that!

Lord Flasheart:
It's simple! The life expectancy of a new pilot is twenty minutes!

Captain Blackadder:
Life *expectancy* of twenty minutes?

Lord Flasheart:
That's right! Goggles on, last one back's a homo! Hooray!

[Flash leaves with the other trainees, leaving Blackadder and George in their seats]

Captain Blackadder:
So we take off in ten minutes, we're in the air for twenty minutes, so we should be dead by twenty five to ten.

Lieutenant George:
Hairy blighters, sir, this is a bit of a turn-up for the plus fours.

[last lines]

Captain Blackadder:
I was wondering whether, after being tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a week's leave to recuperate.

General Melchett:
Excellent idea. Your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you.

Captain Blackadder:
You are my commanding officer.

General Melchett:
Well?

Captain Blackadder:
Can I have a week's leave to recuperate, sir?

General Melchett:
Certainly not!

Captain Blackadder:
Thank you sir.

General Melchett:
Baaa!

General Melchett:
[explaining why they can't rescue Captain Blackadder] Now George, you remember when I came down to visit you when you were a nipper, for your sixth birthday? You used to have a lovely little rabbit, beautiful little thing, do you remember?

Lieutenant George:
Flossie.

General Melchett:
That's right, Flossie! Do you remember what happened to Flossie?

Lieutenant George:
You shot him.

General Melchett:
That's right! It was the kindest thing to do after he'd been run over by that car.

Lieutenant George:
By *your* car, sir.

General Melchett:
Yes, by my car. But that, too, was an act of mercy when you remember that that dog had been set on him.

Lieutenant George:
*Your* dog, sir.

General Melchett:
Yes, yes, my dog. But what I'm trying to say, George, is that the state young Flossie was in after we'd scraped him off my front tyre, is very much the state that young Blackadder will be in now: if not very nearly dead, then very actually dead!

Lieutenant George:
Permission for lip to wobble, sir?

General Melchett:
Permission granted.

Captain Darling:
I shouldn't worry, Blackadder - flying is all about navigation. As long as you've got a good navigator, I'm sure you'll be fine.

[opens the double doors to reveal Baldrick dressed in flying gear]

[Blackadder's aircraft has been hit by machine gun fire]

Private Baldrick:
[voice] I hope we land on something soft!

Captain Blackadder:
[voice] Fine - I'll aim for the spot between General Melchet's ears!

[a formation of British planes fly over the countryside]

Captain Blackadder:
[voice] They're right, you know - this is a doddle.

[the plane wobbles slightly]

Captain Blackadder:
Oops, a little wobble there! Right, let's take stock - Baldrick, how many rounds have we got?

Private Baldrick:
[voice] 500, sir - cheese and tomato for you, rat for me!

Lord Flasheart:
Ha! Eat knuckle, fritz!

[punches Blackadder]

Lord Flasheart:
Ugh! How disgusting. A Boche on the sole of my boot. I shall have to find a patch of grass to wipe it on! Probably get shunned in the officers' Mess; sorry about the pong you fellas, trod in a Boche and couldn't get rid of the whiff!

Captain Blackadder:
[getting up] Do you think we could dispense from the hilarious doggie doo metaphor for a moment. I'm not a Boche, this is a British trench.

Lord Flasheart:
Is it? Well, that's a piece of luck. Thought I'd landed sausage side. Ha! Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out that I'm missing, 500 girls would kill themselves. I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they out to be on my face!

Captain Blackadder:
[during a German air raid] Where's our air force? They're meant to defend us against this sort of thing. Right, that's it!

[picks up telephone]

Captain Blackadder:
Hello? Yes, yes, I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Flying Corps, please. That's Air Chief Marshall Sir Hugh Massingbird-Massingbird, VC, DFC and Bar. Message reads "Where are you you bastard".

Lord Flasheart:
And always remember - if you want something, take it! Bobby!

Bob Parkhurst:
[enters] My lord?

Lord Flasheart:
I want something.

Bob Parkhurst:
Take it!

[she undoes her shirt - exeunt]

Lord Flasheart:
[off stage] Hey girls, look at my machinery!

[feminine squeals of delight off stage - cue to Flasheart entering room buttoning up his files]

Squadron Commander Lord Flasheart:
Listen, just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting, doesn't mean I'm not sick of this war.