Clerks

Dante Hicks:
I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Randal Graves:
I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule.

Randal Graves:
Everybody who comes in here is way too uptight. This job would be great if it wasn't for the f***ing customers.

Randal Graves:
Sh*t, my mom's been f***ing a dead guy for thirty years. I call him Dad.

Jay:
I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some p*ssy, and I'm gonna f*** this b*tch, I'll f*** this b*tch, I'll f*** ANYTHING THAT MOVES! [to a man passing by on a bicycle] Yo, what the f*** you lookin' at? I'll kick your f***in' ass! Sh*t yeah. [to Silent Bob] Doesn't that mother f***er owe me 10 bucks? You know, f***in' tonight, we're gonna rip off this f***er's head, and tear out his f***in' soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna sh*t in the motherf***er's bag. [to two women in a passing car] Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?

Female Customer:
It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.

Veronica:
[after talking to William] That was Snowball.

Dante:
Why do you call him that?

Veronica:
Sylvan made it up. It's a blow job thing.

Dante:
What do you mean?

Veronica:
After he gets a blow job, he likes to have it spit back into his mouth while kissing. It's called snowballing.

Dante:
He requests this?

Veronica:
He gets off on it.

Dante:
Sylvan can be talked into anything.

Veronica:
Why do you say that?

Dante:
Like you said, she snowballed him.

Veronica:
Sylvan? No, I snowballed him.

Dante:
Yeah, right.

Veronica:
I'm serious.

Dante:
You sucked that guy's dick!?

Veronica:
Yeah, how do you think I knew that he...

Dante:
Wait, but you said you only had sex with three different guys! You never mentioned him.

Veronica:
Because I never had sex with him.

Dante:
You sucked his dick!

Veronica:
We went out a few times. We never had sex, but we fooled around.

Dante:
Oh, my God! Why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?

Veronica:
Because I did only have sex with three different guys! That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.

Dante:
Oh, my God, I feel so nauseous.

Veronica:
Sorry, Dante, I thought you understood.

Dante:
I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!

Veronica:
Please calm down.

Dante:
How many?

Veronica:
Dante!

Dante:
How many d*cks have you sucked?

Veronica:
Let it go!

Dante:
How many?

Veronica:
All right! Shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you f***ed!

Dante:
This is different! This is important! How many? [A customer comes up to the counter and Dante helps her while Veronica does some math] Well?

Veronica:
Um... something like thirty-six.

Dante:
WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX!?

Veronica:
Lower your voice.

Dante:
Wait, what is that anyway, "something like thirty-six?" Does that include me?

Veronica:
Um... thirty-seven.

Dante:
I'M THIRTY-SEVEN!?

Veronica:
I'm going to class.

Dante:
Oh, my God. [customer walks up to pay] Thirty-seven! My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven d*cks!

Customer:
In a row?

Caitlin:
Can I use your bathroom?

Randal:
Sure. But there's no lights back there.

Caitlin:
Why aren't there any lights?

Randal:
Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.

Caitlin:
You're kidding. Why?

Randal:
Nobody can figure it out. The boss doesn't wanna pay the electrician to fix it, 'cause the electrician owes money to the video store.

Caitlin:
Such a sordid state of affairs.

Randal:
And I'm caught in the middle - torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.

Caitlin:
Well, I'll try to manage.

Randal:
Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.

Caitlin:
You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.

Randal:
Territoriality. He was mine first.

Caitlin:
Oh, that was so cute.

Chewlies Gum Rep:
You're spending what? Twenty, maybe thirty dollars a week on your cigarettes?

Angry Smoking Crowd:
Yeah.

Woolen Cap Smoker:
Forty.

Smoker #1:
Something like that.

Smoker #2:
Fifty-three.

Chewlies Gum Rep:
Fifty-three dollars a week on cigarettes! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? 'Cause that's what you're doing now, by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke.

Angry Smoking Crowd:
Hey, man, we gotta croak sometime.

Chewlies Gum Rep:
It's that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. Course we're all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, "Please Mr. Merchant-of-Death, please, sell me something that'll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs."

Dante:
Now wait a second!

Chewlies Gum Rep:
Yeah. Yeah, now here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hate mongers that were just following orders.

Angry Smoking Crowd:
Who's that?

Chewlies Gum Rep:
They were called Nazis!

Woolen Cap Smoker:
Nazis, that's right.

Angry Smoking Crowd:
F***in' Nazi!

Chewlies Gum Rep:
Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth just like your cigarettes are doing now.

Mother:
Excuse me, do you sell videos?

Randal:
Yeah. What're you looking for?

Mother:
Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.

Randal:
Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now. Let me make sure they got it. What's it called again?

Mother:
Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.

Child:
Happy Scrappy.

Mother:
She loves it.

Randal:
Obviously. [to the distributor] Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling, customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-F***ing, Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My C*nt Needs Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns 3, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black C*cks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave C*nt, Men Alone 2: The KY Connection, Pink P*ssy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yep. Oh, wait a minute. [to the mother] Uh, what was that called again?

Dante:
You know, that article's accurate. Caitlin's really getting married!

Randal:
You know what I just watched?

Dante:
Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?

Randal:
Return of the Jedi.

Dante:
Didn't you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married!

Randal:
What did you like better? Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?

Dante:
Empire.

Randal:
Blasphemy.

Dante:
Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

Randal:
There was something else going on in Jedi. I ever noticed it till today. They build another Death Star, right?

Dante:
Yeah.

Randal:
Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the Rebel's destroyed it.

Dante:
Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit is due.

Randal:
And the second one was still being built when the blew it up.

Dante:
Compliments to Lando Calrissian.

Randal:
Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my figure on it, but something just wasn't right.

Dante:
And you figured it out?

Randal:
The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people onboard were stormtroppers, dignitaries, Imperials.

Dante:
Basically.

Randal:
So, when the blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.

Dante:
And the second time around?

Randal:
The second time around, it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.

Dante:
So?

Randal:
So, construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.

Dante:
Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at?

Randal:
Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.

Dante:
All right, so they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset with its destruction?

Randal:
All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed! Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look, you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

Video Store Customer:
[holding two videos] They say so much, but they never tell you if they're any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?

Randal:
What?

Video Store Customer:
Are either one of these any good?

Randal:
I don't watch movies.

Video Store Customer:
Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

Randal:
I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.

Video Store Customer:
You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Randal:
Nope.

[The customer turns around and then holds up the same two movies.]

Video Store Customer:
Well, what about these two?

Randal:
Oh, they suck.

Video Store Customer:
These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!

Randal:
No, I wasn't.

Video Store Customer:
I don't think your manager would appreciate-

Randal:
I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

Video Store Customer:
I beg your pardon?

Randal:
Your ruse. Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.

Video Store Customer:
I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!

Randal:
And I hope it feels good.

Video Store Customer:
You hope what feels good?

Randal:
I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Video Store Customer:
Well, this is the last time I rent here!

Randal:
You'll be missed.

Video Store Customer:
Screw you! [leaves]

Randal:
[runs to door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

Jay [standing outside]:
Yeeaahhh!

Randal:
Screw me?

Dante:
Did you ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.

Randal:
[looking at a pornographic magazine] You know how much wage the average jizz-mopper make per hour?

Dante:
What's a jizz-mopper?

Randal:
He's the guy that cleans up the nudie-booths after each guy that jerks off.

Dante:
Nudie booth?

Randal:
Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been to a nudie booth?

Dante:
I guess not.

Randal:
Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like ten bucks.

Dante:
What kind of show?

Randal:
Think of the weirdest, craziest sh*t you'd like to see chicks do. These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body. Any opening!

Dante:
Can we not talk about this now?

Randal:
The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load, practically everybody does it right on the window, and I don't know if you noticed or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.

Customer:
I will never come to this place again.

Dante:
Excuse me?

Customer:
Using filthy language in front of the customers. You both should be fired!

Dante:
I'm sorry. I guess we kinda got carried away.

Customer:
Well, I don't know if sorry can make up for it. You've highly offended me

Randal:
Well, you think that's offensive, check this out! [shows customer the magazine's centerfold as the customer runs out, screaming] I think you can see her kidneys.

Dante:
You gotta watch the store. I gotta go to this.

Randal:
Wait, wait, wait. Has it ever occurred to you that I might be bereaved as well?

Dante:
You hardly knew her!

Randal:
True, but do you know how many people are going to be there? All of our old classmates, to say the least.

Dante:
Stop, this is beneath even you.

Randal:
I'm not going to miss what is probably going to be the social event of the season.

Dante:
You hate people!

Randal But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

[while driving to Julie's wake]

Dante:
Thanks for putting me in such a tough spot. You're a good friend.

Randal:
She was pretty young, huh?

Dante:
Twenty-two. Just like us.

Randal:
An embolism in a pool.

Dante:
What an embarrassing way to die.

Randal:
That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.

Dante:
How'd he die?

Randal:
He broke his neck.

Dante:
That's embarrassing?

Randal:
He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.

Dante:
Shut the hell up.

Randal:
I swear.

Dante:
Stop it.

Randal:
Bible truth.

Dante:
Oh, my God.

Randal:
Come on. Haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick?

Dante:
No!

Randal:
Yeah, right. You're so repressed.

Dante:
Because I never tried to suck my own dick?

Randal:
No, because you won't admit to it. As if a guy's a f***ing pervert because he tries to go down on himself. You're as curious as the rest of us, pal. You've tried it.

Dante:
Who found him?

Randal:
My cousin? My aunt found him. It was a mess. He was on his bed, with his legs doubled over himself. My aunt freaked out.

Dante:
Man, he had his dick in his mouth?

Randal:
Yeah. Balls resting on his lips.

Dante:
Wow! He really made it.

Randal:
Yeah, but at what a price?

Dante:
I could never reach.

Randal:
Reach what?

Dante:
You know.

Randal:
What, your dick?

Dante:
Yeah, like you said. I guess everyone gets curious and tries it sometime.

Randal:
I never tried it. F***ing pervert.

[Dante and Randal have just returned from a wake]

Dante:
I can't f***in' believe you!

Randal:
I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!

Dante:
You knocked the casket over!

Randal:
It was an accident!

Dante:
Like somebody knocks a casket over on purpose!

Randal:
It wasn't a big deal!

Dante:
Her f***in' body fell out!

Randal:
Just put it back in. It's not like it matters if she breaks something!

Dante:
You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up. You get us thrown out of a funeral by violating a corpse, and then to top it all off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Randal:
Oh f*** you! F*** you, pal! Jesus, there you go. Trying to pass the buck. I`m the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You want to blame somebody? Blame yourself! [mimicking] 'I'm not even supposed to be here today.' You sound like an a**hole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder, like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you over-compensate for havin' what's basically a monkey's job. You push f***in' buttons! Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs. You, you're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man, he has no delusions about what he does. Us - we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper or God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so f***in' advanced, what are we doin' working here?

Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you

A very funny look at the over-the-counter culture.

I'm not even supposed to be here today!" - Dante

This Job Sucks

It Delivers.

Veronica:
You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.

Dante:
Animal, mineral or vegetable.

Veronica:
Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.

Dante:
They put up the least amount of struggle.

Dante Hicks:
Hey, try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!

Dante Hicks:
Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.

Randal Graves:
Bunch of savages in this town.