Curb Your Enthusiasm

Donald:
You know what you are? You're a self-loathing Jew.

Larry David:
Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

[during a fight with his business partner named Hugh]

Larry:
F*** Hugh. F*** Huuuuugh.

Jeff Greene:
[referring to Larry] He's a victim of circumstance.

Richard Lewis:
[after Larry asks for his meditating style back] No, you can't be an East Indian giver.

Cheryl:
Actually, this weekend is the big NRDC benefit we've been working on for months, Alanis Morisette is going to be there...

Wanda:
Why don't we just call the terrorists and ask them to pick a weekend more suitable for you?

[Larry has a flat tire in the city, and doesn't know how to fix it]

Larry:
[to various passerby] You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Ok, I'm just coming flat out and saying 'help me'. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now. [People are ignoring him] I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?

Larry:
I am not obsessed with asses.

Wanda:
Ok, assy. And what is all that sh*t all over your shirt? You been scrounging around, looking for ass?

[Larry has realized he made a bad joke about Wanda's butt]

Larry:
Ok, Wanda...

Wanda:
Oh, you know who I am, ok. I thought I would have to turn around and show you my big ass.

Larry:
OK, you completely misinterpreted that...

Wanda:
How am I supposed to interpret it? You shouted out 'Hey, Big Ass Wanda'.

Larry:
I didn't say big ass, I was just saying hello.

Wanda:
Is that how you say hello?

Larry:
Uh, well...

Wanda:
'Hey big ass' or 'Hey assy' or 'Hey I know your ass'. What is that? That's not how you say hello.

Larry:
Perhaps not.

[In the women's room, which Larry had to use, he puts his water bottle in his pants instead of the trash to avoid being recognized]

Producer's daughter:
[enters] Hi mister. Thanks for fixing my doll. [hugs him]

Larry:
Aww, don't worry about it sweetheart.

Producer's daughter:
[looks at him, scared, and runs out] Mommy, mommy. The old man's in the bathroom, and he's got something hard in his pants.

Girl:
[a girl hugs Larry for fixing her doll and Larry has just stuffed a water bottle in his pants] Mommy, mommy! The bald man's in the bathroom and there's something hard in his pants!

Susie Greene:
[Larry steals the head of a doll from Jeff's daughter's collection] You fat f***! And you bald piece of sh*t! Where's the f***ing head?

Hugh Mellon:
Larry!

Larry:
Hugh!

Hugh Mellon:
Tell me you're enjoyin' yourself!

Larry:
No!

Hugh Mellon:
Glad you could make it.

Wanda:
Why'd you fire the black man?

Larry:
I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, *black* man can *never* do anything *wrong*, at least to get fired from a job! Black people *always* do everything right!

Wanda:
[Walks over to TV, pushes button, fixes it] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

Wanda:
I thought I'd never say this but Larry is right

Man:
Are you Jewish?

Larry David:
You want to check my penis?

Jeff Greene:
[Jeff is carting around Suzie's dog, a German Shepard] Boy, you seem to really like Oscar.

Larry David:
It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German, it just doesn't happen that often.

Richard Lewis:
Can't we have lunch or something and discuss this?

Larry:
I can't.

Richard Lewis:
Why not?

Larry:
I've been auctioned off for some charity.

Richard Lewis:
What is this, "Roots"?

Cheryl:
[Larry discusses becoming a restaurant host] I thought you didn't like talking to people.

Larry David:
I don't like talking to... to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.

[repeated line]

Cheryl:
Why would you do that?

Larry David:
[watching Girls Gone Wild] You know what a woman would do if I ever asked her to lift up her top?

Jeff Greene:
Why do you have to analyze this? Can't we just watch this?

Larry David:
She would spit on me! If I ever asked a woman to lift up her top, she would kick me in the balls and spit on me!

Jeff Greene:
We've waited a long time to see this and all you're doing is yakking. Be quiet, come on!

Larry:
[Larry's house has been spray painted by trick-or-treaters he has offended and he's reporting it to cops] They don't deserve candy and I don't deserve this: "Bald A**hole"? That's a hate crime!

Larry David:
[watching Girls Gone Wild] What do you mean you're not going to pause it?

Jeff Greene:
I'm not a pauser, I don't like pausing.

Larry David:
Well, that's rude, I'll miss it.

Jeff Greene:
I'll rewind it when you come back.

Larry David:
Yeah, but I can see when you rewind and it'll give it away!

Jeff Greene:
There's no story! Give what away? There's bosoms! That's it!

[after leaving a terrible dinner party]

Larry:
What's the level of anger here? What am I dealing with?

Cheryl:
Well, I'd have to say at least an 8.7.

Larry:
8.7? That's not that bad. I thought it would be at least a 9.

Cheryl:
It was a 9. Then you broke that lamp, and the crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points.

Larry:
Pity points. That's fabulous, I love pity points. But how can I get to a 7? I know a 6 is out of the question, but is there any way I can get to a 7?

[Larry is following directions that told him to make a turn when he saw a barn]

Larry:
Was that a barn? Was that a barn? I think it was too small to be a barn, it looked more like a stable. There was a cow there, does that mean... what? That it could have been a barn? There's no cows in barns. There's cows on a farm. Are there always barns on farms? There are stables in farms, right, but not necessarily barns? I don't think that was the barn. [long pause] I think we made the wrong turn.

[Larry receives flowers from a doctor he promised to give 5, 000 dollars to]

Cheryl:
Are those from your mistress and you just haven't told me?

Larry:
I wish. [He gives the flower guy a tip]

Cheryl:
Did you give him a five thousand dollar tip?

Larry:
Nice house.

Susie:
Yeah, come on. I'll give you a tour.

Larry:
Naw, it's ok.

Susie:
No, come on.

Larry:
No, it's ok. I-I get it.

Susie:
You get it?

Larry:
Yeah, it's a house. It's new. I get it. It's nice.

Susie:
You get it? Ok, you know what? Get the f*** out of my house, Larry.

Larry David:
[to president of ABC] Here's a question for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"- what kind of an idiot is running ABC?

Larry:
We're going to put sweet potatoes on the menu... because you can't find sweet potatoes anywhere else, have you noticed that.

Cheryl:
Oh, everyone's noticed that.

Larry:
You don't work. You're unemployed.

Cheryl:
Loving you is my job, Larry.

Larry:
Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

Susie Greene:
You four-eyed f***.

: [while petting a German shepherd] It's nice to be affectionate to something German. You don't get that opportunity that often.

[Larry is on a bad trip, looking in a bathroom mirror]

Larry's reflection:
What are you looking at? You see something? Huh?

Larry:
Wh- What did I do?

Larry's reflection:
What did you do? You know what you did! You did nothing!

Larry:
If you want me to do something, just tell me!

Larry's reflection:
You've got to change the diet, I've told you about that. I don't want the red meat, you're eating the red meat. I don't like that!

Larry:
I'm doing the best I can.

Larry's reflection:
Go to a doctor. Get yourself a checkup. Colonoscopy, you afraid to get a colonoscopy? What's the matter with you?

Larry:
I'm sorry.

Larry's reflection:
Everybody gets it! Get a colonoscopy!

Larry:
I'm really going to do it.

Larry's reflection:
You got your father-in-law's birthday coming up. You going to get a card?

Larry:
[nodding] Okay.

Larry's reflection:
You're not going to get a card! You're not going to do a f***ing thing!

Larry:
I'll try and do better. I will.

Larry's reflection:
TV! TV! TV! That's what you like to do! Read a f***ing book!

Larry:
Okay, yeah, you're right! You know everything!

Larry's reflection:
Who the f*** do you think you're talking to!

[Getting out of jury duty]

Larry:
Uh... well, your honor, I believe it would be hard to remain impartial seeing as the defendant is a negro.

[Larry has just offended a rabbi]

Nat David:
He doesn't know what he's doing.

Cheryl's Mom:
He really doesn't.

Cheryl:
No, he's...

Larry:
What do they say in The Bible? "He knows not... whereof he... "

Rabbi:
Don't try, don't try to quote The Bible.

Larry:
"... he speaks not?... "

Rabbi:
Just, just don't try...

Larry:
"... forked tongue?... He knows not whereof he... whence he speaks?... "

Cheryl's Mom:
Okay!

Nat David:
Larry... if you could be quiet.

[Larry notices a picture on his rabbi's desk]

Larry:
Is that you?

Rabbi:
That's... that's Eddie Solomon. My brother-in-law. He, ummm... he died on September 11th.

Larry:
Oh my gosh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Rabbi:
Yeah. Terrible.

Larry:
He was in the building?

Rabbi:
No, no. He, he was... uptown on 57th Street. He got hit by a bike messenger.

Larry:
Uptown?

Rabbi:
Yeah, yeah. Bike messenger. Hit 'em.

Larry:
[Long pause] What a shame.

[Cheryl is reading a draft of her renewed wedding vows to Larry]

Cheryl:
"We'll love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity."

Larry:
You mean this is... this is continuing into the afterlife?

Cheryl:
Yeah, that's the idea. Do you have a problem with that?

Larry:
Well, I... I thought this was over at death. I didn't know we went into eternity together. Isn't that what it said in... "'til death do us part, " I thought it was...

Cheryl:
Do you have a problem with eternity?

Larry:
Well...

Cheryl:
We finally found each other, Larry, and we're celebrating this for all eternity.

Larry:
I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought... I thought I'd be single again.

Larry:
Alright, let's roll!

Rabbi:
What? "Let's roll"? What did you say?

Larry:
What?

Rabbi:
You knew my brother-in-law died on September 11th! How dare you say something like that!

Larry:
With all due respect, wasn't that just a coincidence?

Rabbi:
Oh, what the...

Larry:
Alright, poor choice of words...

Rabbi:
What the hell kind of a...

Larry:
Alright, that's long gone...

Rabbi:
You know, I don't wanna do this. Forget it. Forget it.

Larry:
Oh, I didn't know, I didn't know that if you, that if you, you died UPTOWN on 9/11 that it was, that it was part of it, uh... the tragedy.

[Larry and Cheryl - and their parents - are talking to the rabbi about renewing their vows]

Rabbi:
Right, so then uh, I'll, uh... do the blessing, uh, the last blessing, just a little bit of Hebrew, and then I will put the glass on the floor, and we'll step on it, and that'll be it.

Cheryl's Dad:
That's when everybody yells "a matzoh toff"?

Rabbi:
No no, it's "mazeltov". It means good luck.

Cheryl's Dad:
Could we say "yippee!" or something?

Cheryl's Mom:
Or "good luck" or something?

Cheryl's Dad:
"Hallelujah" would be good.

Richard:
You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts!

Larry:
First of all, Richard, they're not breasts. They're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, okay?

Richard:
You'd better call me later on, alright? By sundown.

Larry:
"By sundown"? What are you... what are you, Gary Cooper? "By sundown"? What's gonna happen?

Richard:
That's funny. You know, I'm tryin' not to laugh, but that's funny.

Larry:
Yeah, okay.

Richard:
You better call me by sundown.

Larry:
"By sundown"? Is the posse gonna come get me?

Richard:
How could you not help a blind man?

Larry:
How could you say "blind man" in front of a blind man?

Blind Man:
Oh pleeeeeeease, don't...

Larry:
You called him a blind man right in front of him.

Richard:
No, I didn't, I didn't mean that in a bad way, no, I got...

Blind Man:
Oh no, no, no no...

Richard:
I meant sightless. I didn't mean... I mean I respect the blind as much as anybody, I...

Blind Man:
Oh, of course, it's not a problem, believe me.

Richard:
No, I didn't mean that in a, in a derogatory sense. I got my own problems, really...

Blind Man:
No no!

Richard:
...and I'm a recovering alcoholic, I have, I have intimacy problems, so...

Blind Man:
Oh really?

Larry:
Poor guy. Terrible intimacy problems.

Blind Man:
Ohhhhhh.

Richard:
I do have problems! I had...

Larry:
Can't get close to a woman, it's a terrible thing!

Richard:
It happens to be true! I'm just sayin' we're all in the same...

Blind Man:
Yeah, right.

Larry:
We're all the same. He can't see, and you have intimacy problems. You guys have a lot in common, don't ya?

Larry David:
I pee sitting down.

Jeff Greene:
You pee sitting down?

Larry David:
Yeah! Have you ever tried it?

Jeff Greene:
No!

Larry David:
It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read.

Jeff Greene:
What are you reading?

Larry David:
I'm reading a lot of stuff.

Jeff Greene:
What stuff?

Larry David:
If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake!

Jeff Greene:
Twenty times?

Larry David:
Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'!

Jeff Greene:
What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'?

Larry:
He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather!

Jeff Greene:
You don't have a stepfather.

Larry:
I know, but I didn't like the implication!

Larry:
[Larry is making small talk during a long, boring car ride with Cheryl] You ever had a fresh grape? Huh? I've had... I've had fresh *apples*. Never had a fresh *grape*. Never... had a fresh *cherry*. Never had a fresh *pear*. Never *seen* a pear. Never saw a pear outside of a fruit stand.

Larry David:
[to Cheryl, while they are sitting, waiting for the Dansons to call] They could at least lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We don't want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect. This is very disrespectful.

Larry David:
This is called a Swiss Army Knife. Do you know what Switzerland is?

Tara Michaelson:
No, what's that?

Larry David:
Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Thor The Wrestler:
I've got three kids in there scared half to death because some bald headed *turd* is shootin' at 'em!

Larry:
No, sir, we were, we were... we were playing cowboys and indians...

Thor The Wrestler:
Hey, you heard of Columbine? It's idiots like you that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence!

Larry:
No, I'm not a violent...

Thor The Wrestler:
Shut up! You know what's you're looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of twisted steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal. I will *body slam* you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. Hear me? Don't you ever... ever... *ever* point another finger at my kids again, because if you do, I will break it off and shove it right up your sphincter.

Krazee-Eyez Killa:
So you think you gonna cross me and mess with my sh*t? Opening your f***ing trap and flapping your lip. Don't f*** with me nigga or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop. If you say anything, you'll beg me to die, 'cause I'll make you suck my dick then I'll nut in your eye. I'll stomp on your world as if my name was Godzilla. I'm coming for you mother f***er, I'm your Krazee-Eyez Killa.

Larry David:
What are you doing there?

Man:
A little plumbing.

Larry David:
A little plumbing! Got to plumb! Plumb the depths! The depths of hell!

Larry David:
Have you ever played telephone before? You don't even know how to play telephone, do you?

Cheryl:
I *do* know how to play telephone.

Larry David:
Oh, do you?

Cheryl:
Yeah, but I usually play the "G" version. It's usually something like, "Susie lives down the lane."

Larry David:
The kid didn't say "Susie lives down the lane," he said "I love tits!"

[Larry just found out the show tempo is a lot faster than the rehearsal tempo]

Larry David:
Bullshit, that's not the tempo. Get out of here.

Blind Man:
I think it is.

Larry David:
What?

Blind Man:
Pretty much.

Larry David:
Well, I don't know any human could dance to that tempo. You'd have to be "Flash" to dance like that.

Blind Man:
Who?

Larry David:
Oh, forget it. It's a comic book character wearing the red costume. The guy in the red costume!

Blind Man:
I don't even know what red is.

Larry David:
Hm. It's hard to talk to a blind guy, you have no references.

Kim:
An hour. In and out. Done. B*obs. Genius.

Marty Funkhouser:
Why do you pee sitting down?

Larry David:
Many reasons.

Marty Funkhouser:
Do you crap standing up?

Larry David:
The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew!

Ervin Schwimmer:
[voice on Larry's answering machine] Larry David, this is Ervin Schwimmer. You scumsucking, motherf***ing a**hole! Just who the f*** do you think you are, you bald-headed son of a b*tch?

Susie Greene:
[shows Larry a gawdy, sequined shirt she has made] Now, is this cute? I mean how much fun is this? Huh? Great, right?

Larry:
You know, it's nice.

Susie Greene:
Yeah.

Larry:
Not quite my cup of tea, but... y'know, uh, it's nice.

Susie Greene:
All right, you know what? F*** you... and f*** your tea.

Cheryl:
Okay, you know what? I think my friend Julie was just saying that the Beverly Park Country Club might be taking new members.

Susie Greene:
Ah, eh...

Larry:
It's... pretty.

Cheryl:
I think they're taking new members, and it's a beautiful country club...

Susie Greene:
All right, look, I don't want to offend you, but there's like three f***in' Jews in the whole club, okay? It's not for us. It's WASP, WASP, Republican city...

Cheryl:
Okay, you know what? I fit in with you guys all the time, for years I've been going to your thing, so...

Larry:
How am I even gonna get by in the interview?

Susie Greene:
[points at Larry] This one would stick out like a sore f***in' thumb, this Jewface over here.

Larry:
Oh, I'm more of a Jewface than *you*?

Susie Greene:
Hey, f*** you, Larry, okay? I didn't get us into this predicament!

Larry:
I'm much more gentiley than you are!

Cheryl:
Hi, Wandering Bear.

Wandering Bear:
Hello. How is... your vagina?

Cheryl:
It's... getting better.

Wandering Bear:
Good!

Krazee-Eyez Killa:
You ain't got no etiquette, muthaf***a!

Krazee-Eyez Killa:
Wanda ain't gon' find out sh*t! This between... you my nigga, right? This between me and you!

Larry:
Yes, I'm your n*gger.

Richard Lewis:
Ya f***ed it up! You don't know how to use a goddamn cell phone!

Larry:
It was a sh*t cell phone!

Richard Lewis:
A f***ing praying mantis could use that goddamn phone!

Susie Greene:
[about Jeff] He *violates* me, Larry! He defiles me!

Larry:
[Larry is on the phone ordering a "Girls Gone Wild" tape, using a ridiculous Art Fern type voice] Yes, I was, uh... I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape... about the college girls and the... the wild... the wildness. They're going wild or something? Somebody told me... about going wild.

Ben Stiller:
You wouldn't even shake my hand the first time we met...

Larry David:
You sneezed... you had snot all over your hand!

Ben Stiller:
That was a dry sneeze, Larry!

Larry David:
I can't assume dry, I gotta assume wet!

[upon finding out his birth parents are Christian]

[in horror]

Larry David:
Oh, my God. I'm gentile.

Jeff Greene:
All of the women at HBO, they don't want to work with you.

Larry David:
Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.

Jeff Greene:
They think you're a misogynist.

Larry David:
Why, 'cause I called the guy a c*nt? So what!

Jeff Greene:
'Cause you called the guy a c*nt.

Larry David:
Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.

Jeff Greene:
Well, c*nt's worse.

Larry David:
C*nt's not worse. Pricks and c*nts, they're equal. Pricks, c*nts, come on. They balance out.

Jeff Greene:
No, c*nt is worse. C*nt's much heavier.

Larry David:
Why? Why is c*nt heavier?

Jeff Greene:
I never questioned, it just is.

Larry David:
That's sexist to me! Come on.

Larry David:
[considering whether he should give one of his kidneys to Richard Lewis] I gotta choose healthier friends...

[repeated line]

Larry David:
Hey, let me ask you something.

[repeated line]

Larry David:
Pretty good. Pret-ty pret-ty pret-ty good.

Leon Black:
Barack Obama! I'm the president of hittin' that ass!

Larry David:
Not one Spanish person has figured out that pi?ata is a sick f***ing game?

[repeated line]

Susie Greene:
Get the f*** out of my house, Larry!

Leon:
Get in that ass, Larry!

Larry David:
Every time I go to the bathroom I have to have this stop-and-chat with her both before I go and after I go. You know, it's too much.

Richard Lewis:
She means well. By the way, she told me that you go to the bathroom like ten to fourteen times a day. You move your bowels, you piss... Are you alright? She was concerned.

Larry David:
Alright, you see what I'm saying? This is what I'm talking about. This is none of her business! How often I go to the bathroom, what I'm doing in there, how long I'm in there, talking to you about my personal bathroom habits! That's not good, alright? It's too much! It's too much.

Richard Lewis:
But someone's gonna sit there. What, would you rather have a klansman sitting there?

Larry David:
No, I would rather have a stranger, frankly! A stranger sitting there who I don't have to report in to.

Richard Lewis:
She cares about you.

Larry David:
Oh, she cares about me?

Richard Lewis:
Yeah.

Larry David:
Listen, it's none of her business...

Richard Lewis:
She has bowel concern for you and I do too!

Larry David:
I don't need her bowel concern! I drink a lot of water, that's all. I drink a lot of water. Big deal.

Richard Lewis:
A lot of water? You drink more than a porpoise. No one pisses that often without drinking like thousands of gallons a week.

Larry David:
Alright, let's stop talking about this. My bathroom habits are not your concern, okay?

Richard Lewis:
Alright then I won't care about your health. Fine.

Larry David:
You don't need to care about- I'm in very good health! I got a beautiful colon! You wanna take a picture of my colon?

Richard Lewis:
I have a VHS of mine!

Larry David:
Fine, fine, you can put my colon up next to your colon! We'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon!

Richard Lewis:
I'll have a colon contest with you any time you want!

Larry David:
Any time you wanna have a colon contest, buddy!

Richard Lewis:
You're shitting and pissing almost seventy times a week!

Larry David:
Get the hell out of here! This is ridiculous!

Richard Lewis:
She's right next to you, she's...

Larry David:
I DON'T WANT HER MONITORING MY BATHROOM HABITS, OKAY?

Richard Lewis:
I mean, what are you eating? A lot of grains and fruits and nuts? You're like a Jew squirrel.

Nurse:
I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr. Lewis for his kidney transplant.

Jeff Greene:
Goodnight, nurse...

Nurse:
Goodnight.

Jeff Greene:
It's just a saying.

Nurse:
I never heard of it.

Jeff Greene:
It's an old one.

Nurse:
That's nice.

Jeff Greene:
It is.

Nurse:
I know it is.

Jeff Greene:
Do you?

Nurse:
Do *you*?

Jeff Greene:
I do.

Nurse:
Good for you.

Jeff Greene:
It is good for me.

Nurse:
Oh, you think so?

Jeff Greene:
I know so.

Nurse:
I'm glad.

Jeff Greene:
So am I.

Nurse:
That makes two of us.

Jeff Greene:
So you say.

Nurse:
So I did.

Richard Lewis:
I'm a lucky man. I'm a lucky man to have the two of you guys come through for me. Thank you.

Larry David:
So there you go, you got your choice, two kidneys. Of course, you know I, uh, I am considerably older than him. I'm not gonna, I don't wanna get into that whole game but you know, he's, there's a difference when you're younger obviously.

Richard Lewis:
Eh, a kidney is a kidney is a kidney.

Larry David:
Ahaha, I'm not so sure about that though. You know, whatever. His are bigger too. It's a big hefty kidney, could just handle a big load I think, you know. You could start drinking again if you wanted to with that thing!

Richard Lewis:
That, uh, that hurt my feelings a little bit. 11 years sober? Thank you.

Larry:
That shish-kebab, the whole night I couldn't get rid of it.

Ben Stiller:
Uh, yeah. I have a scratched retina.

Larry:
Oh.

Susie Greene:
Okay Larry you don't want the tour? Get the f*** out of my house.

Jeff Greene:
[after Larry said he didn't want to take a tour of Suzie and Jeff's new house] I don't want to make a big deal out of this. I am just going to mention it and that's it... It wouldn't have killed you to have taken the house tour.

Larry:
I feel very queer taking house tours.

Jeff Greene:
What queer? My wife shows you the house...

Larry:
I gotta march up and down the house going, [in a gay voice] "Oh it's nice, it's nice..."

Jeff Greene:
Did you have to go somewhere?

Larry:
No.

Jeff Greene:
Alright, you know what then...

Larry:
[in the gay voice again] "Oh, that looks good. Hey look at that closet! Oh ho hey, very nice beams up there. I like those beams, yeah. What's the name of that architect?"

Jeff Greene:
[sighs]

Larry:
[takes a sip of coffee] Good coffee.

Cheryl:
Wanda, I have something terrible to tell you. Krazee-Eyes is cheating on you.

Wanda:
What? How do you know?

Cheryl:
Larry told me.

Wanda:
That son of a b*tch. I'm gonna find him and kick his ass.

Cheryl:
Are you going to tell him that Larry said it?

Wanda:
You goddamn right I am!

Krazee-Eyez Killa:
[rapping] So you think you're gonna cross me And mess with my sh*t? Openin' your f***in' trap And flappin' your lip? Don't f*** with me, nigga Cause you're gonna get dropped I'll snap off your neck With a crackle and pop!

Larry David:
That's good. I like that Rice Krispies thing.

Krazee-Eyez Killa:
Oh you caught that? How about this. [rapping] If you say anything You'll beg me to die Cause I'll make you suck my dick Then I'll nut in your eye I'll stomp on your world As if my name was Godzilla I'm comin' for you, motha-f***a, I'm your Krazee-Eyez Killa! [end rap] and then I'll look like this on the album [looks crazy]

Larry David:
I like it. But can I make one suggestion. How about lose the motherf***er. Cause you already said f*** before, you don't need two f***s. Instead how about b*tch. Cause b*tch is like a word for someone you disrespect.

Krazee-Eyez Killa:
Motherf***er, what the f***?

Larry David:
[after Krazee-Eyez finds him the jacket he needs for a movie] Are you my Caucasian?

Krazee-Eyez Killa:
You ain't got no etiquette, motherf***er!

Michael J. Fox:
I'll be back in two shakes.

Larry David:
The ass is part of my snuggle.

Omar's Receptionist:
Alright Mr. David. What's this call regarding?

Larry David:
Uh... He'll know what it's about. I'm a client.

Omar's Receptionist:
Got that, but what is the call regarding?

Larry David:
You know to be honest, it's kind of personal.

Omar's Receptionist:
I'm sure it is. But you can't speak with him until you tell me what this call is regarding.

Larry David:
But it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him. I don't really want to tell you what it's about.

Omar's Receptionist:
Ok sir you gon' need to control your levels and tell me what this call is regarding.

Larry David:
Do me a favor. Tell me the details of your last conversation.

Omar's Receptionist:
That's none of your business!

Larry David:
Exactly.

Larry David:
I think I tipped that guy twice.

Jeff Greene:
What? Why wouldn't he tell you?

Larry David:
Because he got twice the money. [sarcastically] Why?

[Larry accidentally eats decorative manger scene cookies]

Becky:
You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary.

Larry:
I thought they were animal cookies.

Cheryl's Dad:
Animal Cookies? What, are you kidding me?

Becky:
Jesus Christ is not an animal.

Larry:
I thought he was a monkey.

Cheryl's Dad:
A monkey? Oh, please.

Cheryl's Mom:
Larry, have you no shame?

Becky:
The Son of God is not a monkey, Larry.

Jeff Greene:
[repeated exchange] Who are you?

Larry David:
I'm Larry David.

Jeff Greene:
And what do you enjoy?

Larry David:
I enjoy comfort found in wearing women's panties.

[after Larry turned down sex from Cady Huffman because she had a Bush picture in her dressing room]

Jeff Greene:
What the f*** were you thinking! A picture of Bush, who gives a flying f***? I'd f*** her with a Bush mask on!

Christina:
[at dinner] Did you know that spicy food makes a man's cum taste delicious?

Larry David:
I did not know that. [douses his food with hot sauce]

Bellman:
This is your key, access to your room. It's a card. This is a card slot. Simply insert the card into the slot, there's a beeping, wait a second, firmly apply pressure, and in you go.

Larry David:
That's fascinating.

Bellman:
Some of the amenities quickly. You have a telephone; dial 9 to get out. Uh, a television here. And you have a remote control for power on and off, channel up and down, volume up and down. A minibar also underneath.

Larry David:
Got it, got it.

Bellman:
Thermostat for air temperature control.

Larry David:
Yeah, I've seen those.

Bellman:
Uhh, bathroom with a shower.

Larry David:
To turn on the water you go like that with your wrist and the water comes out? [makes twist motion]

Bellman:
Y-yes. Uh, the cold is on the right.

Larry David:
Uh-huh, okay. And that's a window?

Bellman:
Yes.

Larry David:
You walk over to it and you can look out. Is that what it's for?

Bellman:
Yes.

Larry David:
All right, excellent. I think I got everything. The floor is for standing. I think I got it. It's kinda complicated. I'll go over it again.

Larry David:
[Larry is talking about his attraction to a Palestinian woman at a restaurant] You know what it is? You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you... doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist, wants your destruction! That's a turn-on.

Marty Funkhouser:
[Marty is meeting Larry and Jeff at the Palestinian chicken restaurant] You know, I thought all last night, 'If Rabin can break bread with Arafat, I can have chicken at this antisemitic shithole.'

Shara:
[Dirty talk while having sex with Larry David] F*** me you f***ing Jew! You Zionist pig. You occupying f***. Occupy this. I'm going to going to f*** the Jew out of you. You want to f*** me like Israel f***s my country? F*** me you Jew bastard! F*** me like Israel f***s my people! Show me the promised land. You circumcised f***!

Marty Funkhouser:
[expressing astonishment after meeting Larry David and Shara just after they had very loud sex] F*** me Jew bastard?

Larry David:
Yeah. Small price to pay for the best sex that I ever had, anywhere! This woman is amazing.

Marty Funkhouser:
So when did your orgasm. When she said she'll f*** the Jew out of you?

Larry:
This is very good by the way. Thank you! It's a cafe latte?... What is that... milk?

Starbucks employee:
Milk... uh... and coffee.

Larry:
Milk and coffee! Who would've thought? Milk and coffee! Oh my God. What a drink! It's milk and coffee, mixed together! [talking about Starbucks] You've gotta go there, sit down, have a donut, have a bagel!

Larry:
Apparently, no one wants to have anything to do with me because of the Shaq thing.

Cheryl:
That's... kinda sad.

Larry:
What, are you kidding?

[while ordering coffee at Starbucks]

Larry David:
I'll have a vanilla... one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.

Larry:
This is very good, by the way. Thank you! It's a cafe latte? What is that... milk?

Man:
Milk... uh... and coffee.

Larry:
And coffee. Milk and coffee, oh my God! What a drink! It's milk and coffee, mixed together!

Larry:
You gotta go down there, sit down, have a donut, have a bagel!

Larry:
Let me tell you something. Nothing, *nothing* gives me more pleasure than cracking an egg. Nothing. I'll make you some omelettes. I'll flip ya out. I will flip you out.

Larry:
Nice shoes.

Man in bowling alley:
Thanks.

Larry:
I think they're mine.

Man in bowling alley:
You're kidding.

Larry:
Kidding? No, they're my shoes.

Man in bowling alley:
They're your shoes?

Larry:
Yeah.

Man in bowling alley:
How could they be your shoes?

Larry:
How could they be? Because that guy gave them to you by mistake the other day.

Man in bowling alley:
Well that's weird.

Larry:
What? What's weird?

Man in bowling alley:
That he would give me those shoes.

Larry:
No, that's not weird. What's weird is that you would put them on, that's what's weird.

Man in bowling alley:
Aw, you mean it's not weird that he would give me these shoes?

Larry:
No, that's a mistake.

Man in bowling alley:
They're not my shoes and he gave them to me.

Larry:
Yeah, that's a mistake. That's an honest mistake. What's weird is that you would take shoes that don't belong to you and put them on, that's weird.

Man in bowling alley:
Or even weirder that you left without even your shoes.

Larry:
That's not that weird, I had nothing else to wear.

Man in bowling alley:
Well that would be kinda weird.

Larry:
No, that's gonna be weird for you now after I get the shoes back. That'll be weird.

Susie Greene:
[after Larry gets them kicked out of their country club, Cheryl suggests a new one] Oh no. I'm sorry Cheryl but there's like two Jews in that whole club. It's WASP, WASP, Republican city. This one will stick out like a sore thumb with that Jew face.

Man in Airport #1:
I don't have your ticket.

Larry:
Yeah, right, yeah.

Man in Airport #1:
I have my *own* ticket.

Larry:
Yeah, oh, of course you do.

Man in Airport #1:
It's a bereavement fare. My mother's dead.

Larry:
Yeah, right, okay, yeah. I'd like to take a look at it, okay? Yeah. It's your ticket... right?

Man in Airport #1:
You wanna see my ticket?

Larry:
Yeah, I do! Yeah.

Man in Airport #1:
Okay, you wanna see?

Larry:
Yeah, I do, yeah.

Man in Airport #1:
Okay, you wanna see? Let's take a look, alright? Shall we?

Larry:
Let's take a look! Yeah! Yeah!

Man in Airport #1:
What's the name written right here? Is it your name? No, it's mine: Chris Darga. See, if this were *yours*, it would say: F***ing Douchebag. A**hole.

Larry:
Sorry... about your mother.

[after Larry has interrupted a baptism because he thought the priest was drowning the man]

Woman:
You didn't want to lose another Jew.

Larry:
I don't care. What do I need him for?

Larry:
[to Richard Lewis] Who are people going to believe... an ex-alcoholic or a guy who's been lucid 24/7 his whole life? I didn't steal your message you a**hole.

Larry:
I can't believe this guy's converting. Why's he doing that? You guys come to our side, we don't go to your side. Yeah. Jews don't convert. I'm really surprised.

Cheryl David:
Well, you know what, if he didn't convert she wouldn't marry him. I know that about Becky, she's very... she's very passionate about her religion.

Larry:
Why do Christians take everything so personally with Christ, ya know? It's like not only do you have to worship him, you want everybody to. It's like I like lobster. Do I go around pushing lobster on people? Do I say you must like lobster? "Eat lobster, it's good, it's good!" It's not only where you live, you go to Africa, you travel all over the world, "Eat lobster! Have some more lobster, it's good."

Cheryl David:
I don't really think it's the same...

Larry:
"WE WANT YOU TO HAVE LOBSTER!"

Cheryl David:
Lobster and religion, I really don't see the similarities.

Susie Greene:
F*** you Larry, this is bullshit motherf***er. You are such a bald a**hole I can't believe it.

Loretta Black:
[coming downstairs] Who the F*** do you think you're talking to? Nobody talks to my man like that. You better get your ass out of my house. You f***ing b*tch!

Larry:
[waving] goodbye!

Larry David:
This project demands I get back to my base.

Larry David:
[about Lesbians] I'm their biggest supporter!

Marty Funkhouser:
You're their biggest supporter?

Larry David:
Yeah.

Marty Funkhouser:
Well, then they're in a lot of trouble.

Omar Jones:
...Muslims are very forgiving people.

Larry David:
They are?

Omar Jones:
Yes, we are. We're very forgiving.

Larry David:
Wh-what?

Omar Jones:
Well, it's true.

Larry David:
There's a lot of meshugena Muslims out running around, are there not?

[Larry is buying marijuana for his father's glaucoma]

Drug Dealer:
I can get you an ounce of, you know, some real hydroponic, scientific stuff, but that'll run you five hundred bucks.

Larry:
Hydroponic?

Drug Dealer:
Yeah.

Larry:
I'm not looking for a sound system, my friend.

Susie Greene:
[after discovering that Larry and Jeff stole the head from her daughter's doll] You four eyed f*** and you fat piece of sh*t! Get the head!

Jeff Greene:
[later] Boy I did not need that.

Jeff Greene:
Hey, do you want to have dinner tomorrow before the show?

Larry David:
Oh I don't know...

Cheryl:
We've got plans.

Larry David:
We don't have plans we just don't want to have dinner with you.

Cheryl:
[exasperated] Larry....

Larry:
[Larry is on his death bed] Jeff... You know, I never said anything, but I noticed you use way too much mayo. You know, when they make tuna, there's already mayo in it. You don't have to put it on the bread.

Cheryl David:
[the orgy of cursing has broken out... , Cheryl, with her southern twang coming out] Ya Goddamn Motherf***ing B*tch!

Susie Greene:
[Susie, misinterpreting Cheryl's words for her... ] F*** YOU You Car-Wash C*nt! I had a dental appointment! [leaves angrily]

Susie Greene:
What is that, Lar?

Larry David:
[hands Susie bread] Enjoy.

Susie Greene:
This is what you bring?

Larry David:
It's Italian bread.

Susie Greene:
Yeah but this doesn't go with my menu. You don't know what I'm serving. Don't impose your desires on my whole cuisine!

Christian Slater:
It's good you're here to patrol the hors d'oeuvres area.

Larry David:
Anyway, I'd better shut up, because I plan on-I'm planning on a big move later and I think I might hurt my chances if I keep criticizing your food.

Cheryl:
I'm impressed that you even realized what a nice gesture this is.

Larry:
Well you know, I'm apologizing to people all the time, telling people I'm sorry. I know when I've done something wrong I'm not afraid to apologize. Most people I have to say, my mother always used to tell me this, 'Most people are not like you Larry. Most people are not like you. You're special.' You know, everybody's not like me.

Cheryl:
No, they're not.

Jeff Greene:
What's with the hat?

Larry:
What? I'm married. I can wear whatever I want.

Larry David:
Instead of going in and ordering a "Ted Danson" people go in ordering a "Larry David". What's the difference?

Ted Danson:
One taste good - One sucks!

Richard Lewis:
I have bowel concern for you.

[first lines]

Larry David:
Cheryl, come here for a second.

[last lines]

Jeff's Dad:
Look at the way that girl walks / Look at that, what rhythm she has.

Larry David:
I'm going to hate myself more than normally.

Larry David:
I'm not use to giving people the benefit of the doubt. I don't even know how to condition myself to do it.

Jeff Greene:
[In a meeting with NBC execs, the President asks Larry sarcastically how his "step-father" is feeling. Larry becomes offended and walks out of the meeting. Jeff and Julia Louis-Dreyfus soon follow, catching up with Larry near the elevator] Larry, what was that? Why did you walk out?

Larry:
He implied that I was lying about my step-father being sick.

Jeff Greene:
But you don't have a step-father.

Larry:
I know, but I didn't like the implication.

Larry David:
I think you took the ball, stashed in your unusually large vagina, and marched right out of here.

Larry David:
[walking in] Hello!

Lisa Thompson:
Hello. Welcome back.

Larry David:
[enthusiastically] So! You know, I spoke to our mutual friend. [Jeff, concerning the size of his penis]

Lisa Thompson:
Did you say hello for me?

Larry David:
I did, I did. I did say hello, and... I couldn't help but mention the... whole kind of..."small penis" thing... It came out.

Lisa Thompson:
Oh, my gosh... Was he upset?

Larry David:
Not at all! Not at all... [folds his arms]

Lisa Thompson:
Really?

Larry David:
In fact he had a... completely different take on it than you! He said the problem didn't lie with his small penis... but rather, with your... BIG vagina. [smugly, he makes a wide 'V' symbol with his hands]

Lisa Thompson:
Is THAT what he did?

Larry David:
Yeah! [sign again] BIG!

Lisa Thompson:
THIS is my vagina?

Larry David:
HUGE! [nodding smuggly] Huge!

Lisa Thompson:
Are you kidding? I don't have a big vagina!

Larry David:
[grinning smugly with condescending eyes] You've got the huge vagina.

Lisa Thompson:
Oh, do I?

Larry David:
[nodding] You got the huge vagina. You're blaming the small penis... It's not necessary.

Lisa Thompson:
I made a little... You're the one that-!

Larry David:
[cutting Lisa off] ME THINKS the lady doth protest too much! Hmph! [making the sign]

Michael Richards:
So Duberstein, that's a Jewish name right?

Leon:
Yes it is! I was adopted by some lovely Jews.

Michael Richards:
And you were Bar Mitzvahed?

Leon:
Oh yeah, three times! The last time was a few months ago in Atlantic City.

Michael Richards:
But I thought you only got Bar Mitzvahed once, you know, when you're 13 years old.

Leon:
No, No, No-No, You misunderstood, it's once every thirteen years. You gotta recharge the Mitzva! So the Mitzvas are kinda full. Capacity! At full mitzva capacity!

Michael Richards:
So, tell me about the groats?

Leon:
Well... Everything I ate tasted like peaches. And I forgot how to multiply. I could subtract, but I couldn't multiply. If I'm f***ing 6 women 3 times a day, 7 days a week, how many times per week am I f***ing? Was it 10? Was it 130? Was it 16? I was tripping out.

Michael Richards:
whew, that's some weird stuff.

Leon:
You tellin' me. Danny Duberstein is good at two things - -that's math and f***ing.

Larry:
Well I didn't know it was going to be felony or treat!

Leon Black:
Ass is Ass, Larry.

Larry David:
Ass is not ass.

Leon Black:
Ass is ass.

Larry David:
Well, you don't have to tap every ass!