Danger Theatre

The Searcher:
[catch phrase] Someone needs help, so they called me. That's what I do. I help people in trouble.

The Searcher:
You don't have to thank a man for doing his job.

[first lines]

Host:
Good evening and welcome to a very special installment of "Danger Theatre". The story you are about to see could not be told in just ten minutes, so tonight, "Danger Theatre" has gone to great expense to produce a full half-hour "Searcher" and to rent me this fine tuxedo... even though it is a little tight in the crotch.

Off-Camera Production Assistant:
Don't talk about your crotch - just introduce the show!

Host:
Curtain up! It's time for "Danger Theatre".

The Searcher:
Now, what can you tell me about the abduction?

Effie Conklin:
Well, the police believe it's the work of that copycat serial cannibal, Meyer the Fryer.

The Searcher:
Ahh!... Who?

Edgar Conklin:
You know - the one who patterns himself after that monster, Andre the Gourmet.

The Searcher:
Of course! Andre the What?

Effie Conklin:
The Gourmet - he's the most notorious cannibal serial killer of all time!

Andre the Gourmet:
And you - you really are a little oven stuffer, aren't you?

Julie Conklin:
No! No, please let me go home, no, please. I want to go home!

Andre the Gourmet:
Shut up, or I'll eat you first.

Julie Conklin:
NOOO!

[Andre jams an apple into Julie's mouth]

The Searcher:
Now I have him right where he doesn't want me - on his trail.

Andre the Gourmet:
Doesn't it bother you that I'm going to eat you?

Meyer the Fryer:
It's my honor, sir. After all, how many people can say they've been eaten by Andre the Gourmet?

Andre the Gourmet:
Thirty-six - not counting you and the little oven-stuffer here.

Andre the Gourmet:
How did you find me here?

The Searcher:
You led me here, Andre the Gourmet. You outsmarted yourself by getting in my brain.

Andre the Gourmet:
That's not a brain, that's some sort of wind-up toy.

The Searcher:
Well, I wound up here, big shot.

[during end credits]

The Searcher:
Why do I suddenly have a craving for pot roast?

Andre the Gourmet:
Carrots - they clean my pallet and help flush my liver.

Julie Conklin:
You know what? You're both crazy! You're out of your mind! Help! Somebody, please help me!

Andre the Gourmet:
That's it! Time to barbeque the babe.

Andre the Gourmet:
I'm going to put a stick up your behind, freeze you and eat you like a popsicle and there's not a thing you do to stop me.

The Searcher:
I can think of one thing.

Andre the Gourmet:
What's that?

[the Searcher knocks Andre out with one punch]

Meyer the Fryer:
You beast! You monster! You hit Andre the Gourmet!

The Searcher:
[to the audience] Well, it was either that or the stick.

[last lines]

Host:
Next week, we return with another thrill-packed half-hour of Danger Theatre. Don't make any plans. You won't want to miss it.

[a beautiful woman strolls onto the set and kisses the host]

Off-Camera Production Assistant:
Wh-what's going on? Who's she?

Host:
She's my date. I didn't want to waste the tux. Good night, good luck and bon appetite from "Danger Theatre".

Off-Camera Production Assistant:
What? That's our tux!

Host:
Try and catch me.

[the host and his date run off-stage]

Host:
[narrating] Meet Naomi Hill, a hard-working big city gal who saved up all her money so she could buy a ghost town and make her dreams of the gritty Old West come true.

Naomi Heal:
Easy, girl, easy. What's wrong, Buttercup?

[a masked man, clad in black, bursts into Naomi's barn]

Cash McClean:
I am El Morte Leather Gringo. This is your final warning! You have 24 hours to leave Gower Gulch or I will tie you in the sun with rawhide strips and let the ants eat your body from the bones!

[the masked man picks up a lantern and hurls it onto a bale of hay, setting it on fire]

Host:
[narrating] The unfortunate thing about dreams is they can sometimes turn into nightmares.

Naomi Heal:
Oh, please, please - isn't there someone who can help me?

The Searcher:
[narrating] Someone needs help so they call me. That's what I do - I help people in trouble. They call me, "The Searcher".

Naomi Heal:
Last night I was brushing Buttercup when this masked horseman came. He called himself El Morte Leather Gringo.

The Searcher:
Of course - the legend of El Morte Leather Gringo. He was a lot like Zorro... and a little like Tyrone Power.

Naomi Heal:
Well, that *legend* almost burned down my stable last night.

The Searcher:
Just calm down, Naomi Hill. El Morte Leather Gringo died over a hundred years ago. Someone very much alive is trying to scare you out of this town.

Cash McClean:
That little gal in the cutoff jeans with a little cheek showing can't be scared off, so she's gonna have to be killed off.

The Searcher:
Well, I was right. There's no El Morte Leather Gringo... and pretty soon, there'll be no Naomi Hill either.

[waving a stick of dynamite with a burning fuse at Naomi, who is tied up in an abandoned mine]

Cash McClean:
All that college and all that money - look where it got ya. Boom! End of the trail, city gal!

Naomi Heal:
Are you all right?

The Searcher:
I'm fine and Cash McLane will be fine, too, after some intensive therapy at the Tucson Arizona Home for Old Wacko Cowboys.

Det. Tom McCormick:
Jeepers! The killer could still be in the area.

Capt. Mike Morgan:
Don't be ridiculous, Detective McCormick. If you were a cold-blooded killer, would you stay at the scene of the crime?

[shots ring out and the crime scene is peppered with bullets]

Capt. Mike Morgan:
Take cover, men! We're being shot at by a cold-blooded killer who stayed at the scene of the crime!

Capt. Mike Morgan:
Throw down your weapons and come out with your hands up!

George 'Mad Dog' Munson:
Grrr!

Det. Tom McCormick:
[to Morgan] We'll go easy on you, sir.

Capt. Mike Morgan:
[to Munson] We'll go easy on you, sir!

George 'Mad Dog' Munson:
Yeah, right! I'm already serving three consecutive life sentences. What are you going to do? Cut it down to two?

[Munson blasts away at the disabled police cruiser]

Capt. Mike Morgan:
What made you think that would work, Tommy?

Det. Al Hamoki:
It worked in "Dirty Harry", sir.

Capt. Mike Morgan:
Hamoki, this is real life - it isn't the movies... Now what would John Wayne do?

[first lines]

[the host appears wearing an enormous Stetson]

Host:
Howdy, pardners. Welcome to "Danger Theatre". As can see by my hat, we're going out West this week with The Searcher. So saddle up and make sure your feet are firmly in the stirrups. It's time for "Danger Theatre"!

[the camera pulls back to show the host sitting on a stuffed stallion]

Host:
Giddy up, horse.

[to the shapely Naomi]

The Searcher:
How can I hold you, er, help you.

[first lines]

Host:
Good evening. Well, what's good about it? Everywhere you look around this great nation you see murder, robbery, extortion - lawlessness runs rampant. I don't usually endorse television programming, but this show is very important. It is called "Danger Theatre". Two completely different shows in one half-hour focusing on those gutsy crime fighters who are out there trying to keep our cities safe. First up tonight, "Danger Theatre" investigates a crime of fashion.

Off Camera Production Assistant:
[whispering] That's "passion."

Host:
Hmm?

Off Camera Production Assistant:
[still whispering] Passion.

Host:
Again?

Off Camera Production Assistant:
Passion!

Host:
Of course. That makes more sense, doesn't it? So, curtain up! It's time for "Danger Theatre".

Host:
[narrating] Meet rock star Darek Jones - ten platinum albums, 14 Grammies and a real problem getting through metal detectors at airports.

Host:
[narrating] Darek's parents, Frieda and Lou Birnbach, told him not to go into the heavy metal business. They wanted him to go into the sheet metal business - something steady... and safe.

[Darek opens a gift-wrapped box he thinks is from an adoring fan and finds a rattlesnake coiled to strike]

The Searcher:
[narrating] Rock and roll; the party that never ends. Danger. Excitement. Living life on the edge. Strange women waking up in bed with you. Hail, hail, rock and roll... and strange women. Phew.

Host:
Let that be a lesson to you kids out there - never insult the bad drummers in your life. Just smile and tell them they're good, but you've decided to take the band in a different direction.

[last lines]

Host:
Good night and good luck from "Danger Theatre". And remember, when you get a moment, write your local Congressman and tell him, "I want my DTTV".

Off-Camera Production Assistant:
What does that mean?

Host:
I want my Danger Theatre TV... dude.

[first lines]

Host:
Good evening and welcome to another thought provoking episode of "Danger Theater". First up tonight, we follow The Searcher...

Off-Camera Production Assistant:
[whispering to the Host when he wanders off-camera] You're out of the shot!

Host:
[to the Off-Camera Production Assistant] Maybe that's where I wanted to be.

Host:
[to the audience]... to Hollywood, where the streets are paved with broken hearts and every burned-out light bulb is a dream that never came true. Of all the cases The Searcher has tackled, this one may be the most bizarre. So get ready for a side of Hollywood you've never seen before. Curtain up! It's time for "Danger Theatre".

The Searcher:
[narrating] Tinseltown, La-La Land, Hollywood USA - this is where the magic happens... the world of make-believe. An illusion... nothing is real in this Babylon by the Sea. It's all movie magic.

The Searcher:
I'm a really big fan of Jimmy Jakes and Farmer Joe's Barnyard Follies. By the way, where is the little farmer? Out plowing?

Jimmy Jakes:
The farmer is trying to kill me.

The Searcher:
Your dummy... is trying to kill you? I see.

Jimmy Jakes:
Farmer Joe is a, er, um... a man.

The Searcher:
Of course he is. If he were a woman, you would have called him Farmer *Josephine*.

Jimmy Jakes:
You don't seem to get it. He's a little person. I found him 25 years ago in an orphanage. Farmer Joe is a dwarf.

The Searcher:
So, technically, you found him in a dwarfanage.

Jimmy Jakes:
Who are you workin' for anyway?

The Searcher:
I work for the side of right and I believe you're wrong.

[first lines]

Host:
Welcome once again to another thrilling episode of "Danger Theatre", the show that dares to show crime as it really is - very unpleasant. First up tonight, The Searcher rides his mighty hog into the world of high fashion.

[speaking to a production assistant off-camera]

Host:
What? He's really riding a pig now?

Off-Camera Production Assistant:
No. A 'hog' is a motorcycle.

Host:
Motorcycle? Ah, that's very interesting. Well, curtain up. It's time for "Danger Theatre".

The Searcher:
Tell me about your problem.

Charlotte Rave:
It all started, ah, about a month ago. Drawings started disappearing and garments were slashed... mannequins were mutilated.

The Searcher:
Sounds terrifying. Is Darlene seeing anyone right now?

Charlotte Rave:
What? What does that have to do with my problem?

The Searcher:
Nothing. It just has something to do with *my* problem.

Oscar De La Gavant:
Do you know where you are?

The Searcher:
A disgusting, filthy sewer - but I love what you've done with it.

Capt. Mike Morgan:
Good work, Detective McCormick, but be gentle. She may be a cold-blooded killer, but she's still a little lady.

Martine De Pourtales:
Oh, up yours, cop!

Capt. Mike Morgan:
Cuff her and gag her, Tom! Let her tell her tortured tale to someone who cares.

[last lines]

Host:
Remember, kids, when you're in Hawaii, keep you money in your wallet, not on top the bar. Join us next week, same time, same station... same crummy set.

Off-Camera Production Assistant:
Don't knock the set.

Host:
Well, you could paint it, for god's sake. Pop for a few plants.

Off-Camera Production Assistant:
Just say good night.

Host:
Good night... and good night from "Danger Theatre", where they won't even spring for a can of paint.

[first lines]

Host:
Good evening and welcome to "Danger Theatre". Sometimes we here in the top echelons of the United States government do things in the interest of national security that we're not very proud of.

[glances at a photograph of Richard Nixon]

Host:
First up tonight, The Searcher focuses on just such a case and takes on his most unusual and challenging adversary. So, curtain up! It's time for... come on, say it with me... Danger Theatre.

Host:
[narrating] Meet Dr. Karen Kreiger. Single, with a Ph.D. in animal behavior. She's devoted to her work - creating new and unusual weaponry for the Department of Defense.

[sound of breaking glass in the next room]

Dr. Karen Kreiger:
Billy? Is that you?

Host:
[narrating] Over-worked and over-budget, Karen Kreiger is about to find herself in over her head.

The Searcher:
What seems to be the problem?

Dr. Karen Kreiger:
Testanine has a contract with the United States government to do research in animal behavior modification. We teach animals to be assassins.

The Searcher:
Whatever happened to the good old days when we just taught them to fetch?

Dr. Karen Kreiger:
Cookie was being trained to assassinate Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, the training wasn't complete - we only got as far as the mustache.

The Searcher:
Hmm, that is a problem - especially for people with mustaches.

Ray Monroe:
What exactly do you want us to do.

Raymond Pettigrew:
Return this ring that the creep gave Madeline. Make sure he understands it's over ? like finished, done!

Madeline Powers:
Francis doesn't handle rejection very well.

Clay Gentry:
When we finish with Francis Helm, he'll love rejection.

[last lines]

Host:
Good night and good luck from "Danger Theatre". Do you want to see my tattoo?

The Searcher:
[speaking to a rabbit] Hello, Brucie. I used to have a bunny rabbit when I was a boy [holds up a rabbit's foot]... only his name was Mr. Snookie. I know you'd be great friends.