Dharma & Greg

Kitty:
You want to save the duck, you need to save the lake. You want to save the lake, you need to raise money. You want to raise money, you need to find some ninny to be man of the year.

Dharma:
[to Greg] Who sprinkled YOU with horny dust this morning?

[Larry is being taken to the hospital]

Kitty:
Take my dress. It has magical powers.

Larry:
Hey, Kitty saw me naked.

Dharma:
Me too.

[they high five]

Greg:
[to Dharma] I wouldn't want our marriage to get in the way of your dating.

Dharma:
Welcome to the Pompous Room. May I check Madame's pole, or will she be keeping it up her butt?

Greg:
What's in the pipe, Larry?

Greg:
Justice Department.

Treasury Officer:
Treasury Department.

Dharma:
San Francisco Library.

Greg:
Justice Department

Treasury Officer:
Treasury Department

Dharma:
San Francisco Library

Jane Deaux:
Organ Donor

Kitty:
Fine. As long as nobody gets their way, I'm happy.

Dharma:
One time when I was babysitting your monkey, I took him to a fancy party without telling you.

Jane Deaux:
Is that where he started smoking again?

Dharma:
MmmHmm...

Jane Deaux:
Do you know how hard it is to get a nicotine patch to stick to a monkey?

Doctor:
She had a tatoo of Lindy landing in Paris on her back. If she moved certain muscles just right, she could get the wheels off the ground.

Dharma:
[answering Greg's cell phone, after having slept with Greg] Greg's pants. He's not in them right now.

Dharma:
Yeah, yeah, blah, blah! Here, have some cake.

Greg:
You wanna have children?

Dharma:
Yeah, unless you wanna have 'em!

Greg:
What are you doing?

Dharma:
Wait a second, can you see me?

Greg:
Yes.

Dharma:
Oh, I totally misunderstood that groom-can't-see-the-bride-in-her-wedding-dress-thing.

Kitty:
What are you doing here? You can't see her in her dress!

Dharma:
See, that's what I thought!

Greg:
Oh, my parents aren't exactly the best hosts. They're difficult to warm up to. I know I never have.

Dharma:
You're gonna be a great Dad!

Greg:
How do you know? How am I gonna know what to do?

Dharma:
Oh, you'll watch what I do. You'll totally disapprove and do the complete opposite.

Greg:
Come on,Mother, do you really think Dad enjoyed sitting on a blanket in the park watching Othello?

Kitty:
He cried.

Greg:
That's because you ran out of wine.

Jane Deaux:
What's that? It smells like you're frying vomit!

Dharma:
Close. I'm making a great big pot of Haggis

Jane Deaux:
What have you been drinking?

Dharma:
Scotch! Which was invented by the great Scotsman, Angus McBarf when his wife told him what was for dinner.

Greg:
What do you think?

Dharma:
Well, I think that one of us should go talk to your Dad, and I think you should go talk to your Mom.

Greg:
I know what you just did.

Dharma:
Me too! Go with God!

Edward Montgomery:
[drinking Martinis naked] Ball and chain has gone away, doo-dah, doo-dah. Drink Martinis Naked day. Dah-di-doo-dah-day!

Dharma:
Honey, are you OK?

Greg:
I'm fine. I'm just lying here trying to decide whether your father is a hole surrounded by ass.

Greg:
Were you this sarcastic before we met or is this something I have done?

Dharma:
A little you, a little your mother.

Kitty:
Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be *me*.

Dharma:
Your mother is a lusty volcano waiting to erupt!

Greg:
Okay, we have to establish some ground rules here. We never use the words mother, lusty and erupt in the same sentence.

Dharma:
...but that doesn't change the fact that we have no money.

Marci:
Maybe not, but we've got love.

Dharma:
Well, I could try to pay the phone bill with love, but I think it's a felony.

Marci:
Actually, prostitution is only a misdemeanor.

Dharma:
Great, that takes care of the phone bill!

Dharma:
George! I'm so glad to see you! How are you?

George:
Still dead, otherwise good.

Kitty:
Come Edward, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

Edward Montgomery:
I hope his name is Johnny Walker.

Kitty:
It's the archbishop.

Edward Montgomery:
I hope it's Archbishop Johnny Walker.

Dharma:
George, have I changed?

George:
I don't know, but you could have mentioned that you moved. I scared the hell out of some skinny guy in the shower!

Greg:
*I* went to boarding school, it's not the worst thing in the world!

Dharma:
Excuse me! Aren't you the person who said that boarding school is the worst thing in the world?

Dharma:
[standing on the roof with a news helicopter overhead] I celebrate nature's awakening from her winter slumber! This is my dance to the spring! [takes her robe off]

Greg:
[watching the news downstairs] [yells] Dharmaaaaaaaa! [runs out]

TV News Reporter:
[from the TV] My God, I *love* this job!

Dharma:
Silly, you don't sleep in the rain, you make love in the rain!

Greg:
Ahhh! [pause] What if there's lightning?

Dharma:
Then *you* get to be on top!

Greg:
[while Abby is dealing tarot cards] Can we just get this over with? Hit me.

Dharma:
[looks at the card] *Death*!

Greg:
Hit me again.

Abigail Kathleen 'Abby' O'Neil:
Now, Dharma, "death" doesn't always mean death. Sometimes it just means a change is coming.

Greg:
Yeah! Like a haircut.

Dharma:
[yells] I didn't dream you died in a fiery haircut!

Greg:
[marches with Pete, Larry, and Edward down a hallway like astronauts while triumphant music plays in the background] [music stops] What the hell are we doing?

Dharma:
[while searching through their dead neighbor's belongings] Aha! See? Unfinished business!

Greg:
[looks at the piece of paper] She's tethered to this earthly plane because she didn't pick up her dry-cleaning?

Dharma:
*You* would be.

Greg:
[looking at the horrible Thanksgiving meal that Kitty prepared] My mother cooked. In what *universe* does my mother cook?

Dharma:
[about running opponent Karen Love] It's her name. I mean, how can you *not* vote for "care and love"? Guess I might as well change my name to "lower taxes and free balloons for all the kids."

Ted:
They're gone.

Jane Cavanaugh:
[laughing] I got her good.

Ted:
So, this is a Halloween tradition for you guys.

Jane Cavanaugh:
Yep, I scare the crap out of her. She turns around and does it to me.

Judith:
How long has this been going on ?

Jane Cavanaugh:
This is the first year.

Greg Montgomery:
Larry, you have *got* to fix the wall.

Larry Finkelstein:
You mean the hole. Because the wall around the hole, that's okay.

Greg Montgomery:
[falls through ceiling because of Larry's "test holes"]

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Greg, are you okay?

Greg Montgomery:
I'm just laying here trying to decide if your father is a hole surrounded by ass, or...

Abby O'Neil:
Greg, anger is like a little puppy, and it will piddle on the carpet of your soul.

Greg Montgomery:
Yeah, I have all my carpet Scotch Guarded.

Donald:
Guess who's gonna have sex!

Greg Montgomery:
If it's not me I don't need to know.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[pedantically] Sex starts long before it starts.

Donald:
I'm more concerned about it ending too quickly.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Remember, it's you responsibility to tell Donald what your body needs.

Anita:
I already told him, beer and chips.

Larry Finkelstein:
[quotes his grandmother from when he was a boy]... which is Yiddish for take your hand out of your bathing suit before you go blind.

Donald:
[enters dark bedroom thinking Dharma is waiting for him] Mr. Montgomery, could you move your hand...

[last lines]

Greg Montgomery:
Hi Larry, what's up?

Larry Finkelstein:
[goes over and sniffs the dog] Jiffy Lube! I left the van at Jiffy Lube! [runs back out]

Greg Montgomery:
I keep feeling like there's something I should be doing.

Edward Montgomery:
Gregory, relax. You're supposed to feel useless on your wedding day. It prepares you for the rest of your married life.

Greg Montgomery:
[sarcastically] Oh, thanks, dad. That's nice. I hope that's part of your toast.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Yippee! Hi stranger! How's it going?

Greg Montgomery:
Great, couldn't be better.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Me too, I'm having such a wonderful time - can we go home now? [hears Kitty calling for her] . Ah! In here, quick, it's the queen of pain!

Greg Montgomery:
I thought I was the only one who called her that.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Greg, this is unbelievable. Ok? Now I know why people elope.

Greg Montgomery:
Dharma, we eloped.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I guess we're just a couple of overdressed idiots then.

Greg Montgomery:
It's almost over.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
It hasn't even started yet! Why can't we just leave?

Greg Montgomery:
Because we'd never be able to face these people again.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Ah, you promise?

Greg Montgomery:
We gotta go out there, it'll get better, I promise [hears Kitty calling for Greg]

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Oh god, it's her. Oh god, if she finds out I'm in here there's no telling what she'll stick in my head!

Kitty Montgomery:
What is that dreadful smell?

Abby O'Neil:
I'm burning sage to cleanse the room of evil spirits.

Kitty Montgomery:
Well, how about I open the window and let the little devils out.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Good luck with your meat fight.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Huh, and she thought *I* was gonna screw this up.

Society Dave:
Let's welcome to the dance floor the newly weds, Donna and Craig!

Greg Montgomery:
Odds are he means us.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Who thought hell would be catered.

Greg Montgomery:
[Having crept out of the wedding reception] Ah, freedom!

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Ah, Clifford!

Greg Montgomery:
Will you cut that out?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Ok, don't take this the wrong way but this is absolutely the last time I'm gonna marry you.

Greg Montgomery:
You know, some day our parents will be gone and we'll look back on this day... and not miss them so much.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
That's a terrible thing to say - say it again.

Greg Montgomery:
It's scary. 30 years ago my parents stood in front of a minister and said the exact same words we just did and now look at them.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
That won't happen to us. I, Dharma Freedom Finkelstein, promise never to become my mother.

Greg Montgomery:
Or mine.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Like that's possible.

Greg Montgomery:
I, Gregory not saying the middle name Montgomery, promise not to bottle up my feelings for 30 years and then spew them like a volcano at our children's wedding.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I promise to always let you be you and me be me, as long as we get to get naked now and then and switch.

Greg Montgomery:
Will you promise to always look at me with that light in your eyes?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
If you'll promise to always brush my hair off my face like that, and kiss me like that.

Greg Montgomery:
And make me feel like the luckiest man in the world.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Kitty? Kitty? Kitty? It's piercing my brain.

Kitty Montgomery:
Good. Won't fall off.

Jane:
Best man? You're not even the best man in this closet!

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Ha, funny story, go tell Greg.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Hey, Greg, what do you think we would have done if we hadn't run off and gotten married?

Greg Montgomery:
I don't know. Had a second date?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I made you a breakfast smoothie.

Greg Montgomery:
Oh, I-I usually just have a couple of eggs and juice.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
It's in there.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
THAT'S IT! Here's what we're going to do. The ceremony will be at the Country club. With a Macrobiotic buffet.

Greg Montgomery:
The men will wear tuxedos.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Or formal dashikis. Any further arguments, disputes or points of contention will be arbitrated by the bride and groom, ergo Greg and myself. And anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my shiny, white, bridal hiney.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Promise me something?

Greg Montgomery:
Anything.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
When we have babies, we will never tell any of those people.

Greg Montgomery:
It's like you say, failure is the compost in which we grow all success.

Jane Cavanaugh:
[hearing Greg and Larry screaming about a bear in the background] What was that?

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
I dunno. It sounded like

[pause]

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
a couple of Girl Scouts crying!

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[in his old bedroom] Did you ever get any action in here?

Greg Montgomery:
You mean with someone else?

Larry Finkelstein:
See these shoes? Eighteen dollars.

Edward Montgomery:
For both of them?

Greg Montgomery:
Jane, what are you doing here?

Jane:
Larry was looking for Abby at your place. I offered him a ride since I was coming over to do my laundry.

Kitty Montgomery:
Why on earth would I let you do your laundry here?

Jane:
Kitty, look around. I'm the least of your problems.

Kitty Montgomery:
I know that, um, that the two of you don't have what one would consider a traditional relationship. However, you still have a relationship that has lasted twenty-eight years.

Abby O'Neil:
Twenty-nine if you count from when he started watching me with binoculars.

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
I don't understand why you haven't talk about this. Beatrice, have you picked out a coffin yet?

Kitty Montgomery:
[protesting gift to Dharma's] The Stratovarius is priceless.

Beatrice:
So is that expression on your face.

Beatrice:
Never in my life have I been called a jerk!

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Oh yeah, what else haven't you been called, we're running out of time.

Greg Montgomery:
[Kitty enters living room in sunbonnet and stocking feet] Mom, where are your shoes?

Kitty Montgomery:
Oh, darling... I can't do the accent AND wear shoes at the same time! [Edward enters room, dressed as Colonel Sanders]

Greg Montgomery:
[seeing Edward] MAYDAY!

Greg Montgomery:
[to southern gentlemen] We're all out of grits.

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Greg ate the last two.

Judge Harper:
[back from dancing] I haven't danced like that in 25 or 30 pounds!

Larry Finkelstein:
[trying to remember his friend's name] What's that place called, where monks live?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
What, he lives in an abbey?

Larry Finkelstein:
That's it! [calling out] ABBY, what's my friend's name?

Edward Montgomery:
[parting words for a business client] Remember what I taught you, "success comes in cans, not can'ts".

[last lines]

Larry Finkelstein:
[opening his "sporting goods" package] Oh, I don't have the shoes for this...

Larry Finkelstein:
You bought stocks?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
None of these companies are hurting the environment...

Abby O'Neil:
How do you know?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Because they're too busy going out of business.

Greg Montgomery:
[luring her away from day trading] It's a beautiful day out there.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I know, maybe I should jump out the window and enjoy it for a minute.

Lina:
Please stop, you're making me nauseous.

Pete Cavanaugh:
So you do have feelings for me...

Business Man:
You should know that your mother is very proud of you.

Greg Montgomery:
My mother?

Edward Montgomery:
His mother?

Greg Montgomery:
This is your opening argument? You-You can't say this to the jury.

Pete Cavanaugh:
Why not?

Greg Montgomery:
Pete, it... it rhymes. The whole damn thing rhymes.

Pete Cavanaugh:
It's the only way I can remember it.

Greg Montgomery:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I was born in a small town in Missouri." It's not even true!

Pete Cavanaugh:
Well, you try rhyming "Michigan".

Greg Montgomery:
[to dazed office staff] I have finally realized that this job is strangling the life out of me, and I'm not going to stand for it, so I quit. Goodbye.

Greg Montgomery, Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[they walk out, then back in]

Greg Montgomery:
She forgot her purse.

Greg Montgomery:
What's important to me is getting up in the morning and doing what makes me happy.

Kitty Montgomery:
Oh my God, he's going into entertainment law.

Greg Montgomery:
No, I'm going to be a chef.

Kitty Montgomery:
Do you realize what you've done? Do you realize how you have destroyed my family? Do you realize how you have absolutely made my life a living hell?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Is this stuff you already told me, or is this new stuff?

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Okay, I have an idea but it's bad and it's wrong.

Jane Cavanaugh:
How can I help?

[Dharma and Jane are playing German toruists while shopping, Lindsay is busy/annoyed, Jennifer is laid back/bemused/wt... /but getting it slowly]

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Costen poopen sweater?

Jennifer:
They want to know how much the sweater costs?

Lindsay:
It's seventy eight dollars.

[Dharma looks to Jennifer for translation]

Jennifer:
[holding up fingers] Seventy eight dollars.

[Dharma and Jane look blankly]

Jennifer:
Schleventy eighten dollarsen.

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Schleventy eighten dollarsen?

Jane Cavanaugh:
Costen way too muchen.

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Das is einen Donald Trumpen poopen sweater.

Jennifer:
They say it's a little pricey.

Lindsay:
Well, the sale table is over there.

Jennifer:
[pointing] Cheapen sweaters heresen.

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Cheapen sweaters sucken muchen.

Jennifer:
They don't like em.

Lindsay:
I got that.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[for Greg's background check] Just one more thing. When I was 13 I stole a bra from Sears, because my mom wouldn't buy me one.

Greg Montgomery:
Uh, put me down for that one too.

General Kirby:
There was this brothel where you could get your ticket punched for a can of spam.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[wandering in] Oh, this is so much better than that other room

Jane:
Oh, man. It's hot. Can you believe it's November?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I know. If this is global warming, it rocks.

George Littlefox:
It's called Indian summer.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Oh. Well, thanks for that. And corn, I guess. I'm Dharma, this is Jane.

George Littlefox:
George.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Nice to meet you.

Jane:
Hey.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
So, what brings you up here, George?

George Littlefox:
I've come here to die. This land was my ancestors' sacred burial site.

Jane:
For real?

George Littlefox:
For real.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Well, we're sunbathing topless, so you'll die happy.

[Greg has to miss dinner with Janet Reno to bail Dharma out of jail]

Greg Montgomery:
You gotta cover for me. Janet Reno can't find out why I missed the dinner.

Pete Cavanaugh:
What am I supposed to tell her?

Greg Montgomery:
Pete, you're a lawyer. Lie.

Pete Cavanaugh:
But I'm a bad lawyer!

Pete Cavanaugh:
Now I know who my friends are.

Greg Montgomery:
Pete, I'm not her lawyer.

Pete Cavanaugh:
Right. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment with the doctor. He checks my prostate because he enjoys it.

Jane:
[about divorce settlement] Can I hide it in your shed and say it was stolen?

Larry Finkelstein:
Come on, Pete's a smart man, he's not going to believe our shed was stolen.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I could try to pay the phone bill with love, but I think it's a felony.

Greg Montgomery:
[about their plaintiff] What happened to the pictures of the stripper before she was injured?

Pete Cavanaugh:
They're... uh... at my apartment.

Greg Montgomery:
Why?

Pete Cavanaugh:
Isn't that a person question?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I love you and I don't care if you make a dime.

Greg Montgomery:
Well we're there...

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[explaining why she accepted Donald's invitation to his high school dance] Come on, Greg! He's only 16 years old, and he's really awkward with girls.

Greg Montgomery:
Well, how's it going to help him to walk into a dance with a tall, blonde... never mind.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Plus, I was home schooled. You know, I never got to go to one of these things. It'll be fun!

Greg Montgomery:
Far be it from me to let our marriage get in the way of your dating.

Donald:
[upon seeing Dharma in her dress for the homecoming dance] Wow.

Greg Montgomery:
[annoyed] Yeah, "wow."

[Dharma and Donald enter the high school auditorium for the homecoming dance. Everyone stops and turns to stare at them. Donald then turns to Dharma]

Donald:
We can go home now.

[Greg tells Dharma that he persuaded his mother to drop her $1.5 million lawsuit against Dharma's father on the condition that he submit to a binding arbitration hearing at their apartment on Saturday]

Greg Montgomery:
Oh no, Greg, Saturday's no good. Donald just invited me to the big homecoming dance.

Greg Montgomery:
Well, I hope you said yes, 'cause my life isn't weird enough.

Greg Montgomery:
Mother, I'm not representing you.

Kitty Montgomery:
Well, "thank you for sending me to law school!"

[At the beginning of an arbitration between Greg's mother Kitty and Dharma's father Larry, with Pete as the arbitrator, Larry begins his opening statement with a reading of the U.S. Constitution and begins to read the Magna Carta]

Greg Montgomery:
I object!

Larry Finkelstein:
On what grounds?

Greg Montgomery:
On the grounds that you-you, you scared my mother, she fell down, went boom, end of story! Why are you making this so complicated?

Larry Finkelstein:
Your honor, that's not an objection. That's a speech!

Pete Cavanaugh:
That's quite right, Mr. Finkelstein. Objection overruled.

Greg Montgomery:
Uh, permission to approach the bench?

Pete Cavanaugh:
For what purpose?

Greg Montgomery:
To kill you.

Pete Cavanaugh:
Denied. Continue, Mr. Finkelstein.

[Kitty reluctantly admits that her $1.5 million dollar lawsuit against Larry was initiated when her tailbone injury forced her to use an inflatable donut cushion while sitting next to the mayor at a fundraiser and the cushion made a sound imitating flatulence]

Larry Finkelstein:
Would the plaintiff please demonstrate for the court how the alleged sound was allegedly made?

Kitty Montgomery:
I most certainly will not!

Larry Finkelstein:
Your honor?

Pete Cavanaugh:
The witness will comply, under the, uh..."this-I-gotta-see" rule.

Roger:
I am a tabula rasa. A blank rasa.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[reading for midwifing book] Set aside time each day to dialog with your vagina.

Greg Montgomery:
Is that the new Harry Potter book?

Dharma:
[to Abby and Larry] Hey, guess what I'm doing!

Larry:
Acid?

Greg Montgomery:
[announcing his candidacy for Congress, unaware that his fly is open] I certainly didn't expect this exposure. My, uh, opponent, Earl Washburn, is evasive on the issues. But I have nothing to hide. I want everyone here to see exactly what Gregory Montgomery is bringing to the party.

Dharma:
Say you were a Congressman, okay? How many guys would have to die before you become president?

Greg Montgomery:
[thinking for a moment] All of them.

Dharma:
Sit down, come on. I have some really great news. Sit, sit, sit.

Abby O'Neil:
What? What? What?

Dharma:
Okay. So you know how Greg just won this really big case?

Abby O'Neil:
Yeah.

Larry:
[unsure] Yes.

Abby O'Neil:
I told you about it.

Larry:
I said yes!

Dharma:
Anyway, because of that, he's been asked to run for Congress.

[Abby and Larry don't respond; Dharma chuckles nervously]

Dharma:
So, say something. What do you think?

Larry:
If this is a joke, tell me now... because my arm is numb and somebody might have to pound on my chest.

Andy:
Hey... how long can you drive around in a Volkswagen minibus with shag carpeting on the walls?

Larry:
32 years next March.

[last lines]

Dharma:
Hey, you know what, Kitty? Greg and I worked really hard, but I think you guys deserve this.

Kitty Montgomery:
What is this?

Greg:
It's a duck.

Edward Montgomery:
That's not a duck; it's a goose.

Dharma:
Yes. But Captain, my Captain, 'goose' does not rhyme.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Greg, come here. Check out my new ride.

Greg Montgomery:
What do you mean your new ride?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Me and Larry and Jane went to the city auction, and we made a killer deal.

Greg Montgomery:
Which one is it?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
The one right in front of the building.

Greg Montgomery:
Behind the big yellow school bus?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Nuh-uh.

Greg Montgomery:
In front of the big yellow school bus?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Nope.

Greg Montgomery:
Please tell me your car is under the big yellow school bus.

Kitty Montgomery:
I wanted to alert you all to a- to a small problem. As you- as you do know, it is raining. Uh, and it seems that the rain is gathering inside "Inverted Cone No. 8", um, which is acting effectively as a funnel... um, causing a minor flooding condition in- in the parking area.

Patron:
What are you saying, that our cars are underwater?

Kitty Montgomery:
Actually, I'm trying very hard not to say that.

Greg Montgomery:
Hey.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Hey!

Greg Montgomery:
What's going on?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
You're here! Jane and I went back to the auction.

Greg Montgomery:
Oh, no.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Check it out.

Greg Montgomery:
I see a fire truck, an ambulance, a street sweeper, and a cherry picker.

[Dharma makes the nonverbal gesture of zipping her mouth]

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
You gotta guess.

Greg Montgomery:
This was your father's idea, wasn't it?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
No, actually Larry thought it was a little impractical.

Greg Montgomery:
Dharma! Larry thought it was impractical. Doesn't that tell you something?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Yeah, he's jealous.

Greg Montgomery:
Wow!

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Wow good or wow I have something hanging out my nose?

Greg Montgomery:
Wow good.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Come on, we gotta gas up the bus.

Greg Montgomery:
Dharma, we can't take the bus to an art opening.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Oh come on Greg, just picture the look on your mother's face when we roll up in Old Yeller.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
There's the face!

Greg Montgomery:
It's a good face.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
It's not the "hey mom, I married Dharma" face but it's right up there.

Dharma:
Whatcha doin'?

Greg:
Reading all your books on spiritual enlightenment.

Dharma:
Really?

Greg:
This stuff is incredible! Do you realize these guys spent most of their lives figuring out who they are and what their true purpose was?

Dharma:
Yeah, it's pretty amazing isn't it?

Greg:
Unbelievable! I mean, if you buckle down, it shouldn't take more than a month!

Dharma:
Did you really read all these books?

Greg:
I skimmed - I got the gist! Walden: Simplify. Tibetan Book of the Dead: We're all going to die. Be Here Now: Well, - du-uh! And next I'm going to read the Bible.

Dharma:
Oh... Well, - let me save you some trouble: First half: don't mess with God; second half: Be nice to people.

Greg:
[grateful] Thank you. That's a couple of days right there.

Dharma:
I think I need some coffee.

Edward Montgomery:
[defying Kitty] Oh by the way, I'm not wearing underwear. I don't know why I ever did...

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
[about his recording rejection letters] You were just ahead of your time.

Larry Finkelstein:
You know, that's what they said about my spray-on gravy.

[last lines]

Edward Montgomery:
[about his gaudy jacket] Son you know your mother, she'll eventually get use to it.

Greg Montgomery:
I guess...

Edward Montgomery:
And then I'll take it off.

Greg Montgomery:
[Dharma has unexpectedly shown up at his office] H-how...

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Ho-o-ow did I find you?

Greg Montgomery:
[sheepishly] Yeah.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[holding up a newspaper] "Greg Montgomery, Assistant U.S. Attorney, files Mob indictment." See, that's you right next to the guy with the coat over his head.

Greg Montgomery:
This is amazing.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I know. Is this a wild universe or what?

Greg Montgomery:
[laughs] Yeah!

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[holding out her hand] Dharma. Dharma Finkelstein.

Greg Montgomery:
"Dharma Finkelstein"?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Yeah, I know. My dad was Jewish, but he wished he was the Dalai Lama.

Greg Montgomery:
Uh... Dharma, there's a naked woman in your apartment.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Abby, I have someone I want you to meet.

Abby O'Neil:
What? Oh, I'm sorry.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[to Greg] She always takes her clothes off when she paints.

Greg Montgomery:
Is she your roommate?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
No, it's my mother.

Greg Montgomery:
[slightly freaked out] The naked woman is your mother. Do you have any Tums?

Greg Montgomery:
I wouldn't have pegged you for a baseball fan.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
No, I'm not. I just love to listen to organ music and scream. You know, you can scream anything you want at a baseball game, and it doesn't even have to make sense?

Greg Montgomery:
No.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Yep, watch this.

[Dharma stands up]

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Come on, big guy, drive your coffee table to Idaho! Whoo!

[she sits back down]

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Try it, it's fun.

Greg Montgomery:
No, that's okay.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[standing up again] Whoo! Nectarine time! Comb your frog!

Man:
Hey, Gidget, shut up.

Greg Montgomery:
Excuse me?

Man:
I'm not talking to you.

Greg Montgomery:
Well, you are now.

Man:
Oh, yeah? Who the hell are you?

Greg Montgomery:
Greg Montgomery, Justice Department. You have two options. Either you can apologize to the lady, or we'll take a little ride over to Customs and have a chat about these Cuban cigars of yours.

Man:
Oh, man. Sorry.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
It's okay.

[Dharma turns to Greg]

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
God, that's so sweet. Nobody has ever intimidated someone for me before.

Kitty Montgomery:
Finkelstein?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Mm-hmm.

Kitty Montgomery:
Edward, what's the name of our Jewish friends?

Edward Montgomery:
The Gottliebs, dear.

Kitty Montgomery:
Right, the Gottliebs. Do you know them?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Uh, no. Actually, I wasn't raised Jewish. My dad started his own church though, but no one really came. Well, except the IRS.

Greg Montgomery:
So, what do we do now?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I don't know. What do you usually do?

Greg Montgomery:
Me? Well, I definitely don't fly to Reno for pie. I mean, I'd usually exchange phone numbers with you. We'd start dating. Things would go pretty well at first, until I started calling you too much... then you'd get annoyed, start screening your calls. So I call you really late 'cause I know you'll be home. You pick up, I hang up, you star-69 me. I'm too embarrassed to ever talk to you again, so we break up.

Greg Montgomery:
How can marriage not be about love?

Kitty Montgomery:
I don't know. Ask your father.

Pete Cavanaugh:
When are you gonna stop moping?

Greg Montgomery:
I just can't stop thinking about that girl on the train. I'm an idiot! I should have gone after her. I should have talked to her.

Pete Cavanaugh:
No, no, no, you shouldn't have, and I'll tell you why. You would have gone over, you would have said something nice, like... "You were looking at me. I know you want me." Next thing you know, you're rolling around on the floor with a face full of pepper spray.

Greg Montgomery:
[sarcastically] Good talkin' to you, Pete.

Pete Cavanaugh:
Hey, anytime. I'm here for you, man.

Greg Montgomery:
What took you so long?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Shut up!

Greg Montgomery:
No, you shut up!

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Maybe I should compromise more. I mean, you must have had to compromise for Larry, right?

Abby O'Neil:
Well, not really. Nothing I had to stick with, your father blew out his short term memory back in 1972.

Kitty Montgomery:
So, how long have you two been dating?

Greg Montgomery:
Actually, we're not dating. We're married.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[Answering Greg's cellphone] Greg's pants. He's not in them right now. This is Dharma, who's this? Oh, hello Gregory's mother. He's in the shower right now, may I take a message? Lunch at your place? One o'clock? We'll be there! Me and Greg - oh, can we make it two because we're in Nevada.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Hi Jane!

Jane:
[Destroying a motorbike with a baseball bat] Hey Dharma.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
What are you doing?

Jane:
Breaking up with Ivan.

Greg Montgomery:
Is that his motorbike?

Jane:
It used to be. Now it's garbage.

Dharma:
[holds up ice cube] Look, Greg, it's your mother's heart!

Greg:
Melt it and we'd have your father's brain!

Gunther:
[to Dharma] I love you. Will you marry me?

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
What?

Meditation Leader:
He wants to marry you... Shh.

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Oh wow. Gunther... No!

Gunther:
I thought... I thought that's what this was all about, 'n' you wanted, commitment. You wanted somebody that'd be there for you. Somebody you could build a family with. Let's do this. Maybe this lady can marry us.

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
No, no, no. Gunther. I can't marry you. There's someone else.

Gunther:
There's someone else?

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
[sighs] There's gotta be.

Greg Montgomery:
Pete, if you took all the mistakes you've ever made, it wouldn't fill up the belly button of this mistake.

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Hi, I'm here to fight City Hall.

Jane:
So, what's new?

Pete Cavanaugh:
My life is empty and has no meaning.

Jane:
I asked you what's *new*.

Supervisor Dawson:
[exasperated] Let me see if I have this right. You want to change the city motto from "Rice-A-Roni The San Francisco Treat", to that thing your mother made but you don't remember the name of?

Greg Montgomery:
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors does not wage war.

Larry Finkelstein:
Of course not, they send our young boys.

Greg Montgomery:
[Kitty has interpreted Dharma's coded conversation] My mom said we can have sex again.

Pete Cavanaugh:
My mom won't even have dinner with me.

Dr. Coleman:
Now, couples have different preferences and challenges...

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Can we still do this? [impatiently shoves sex manual across the desk]

Dr. Coleman:
Could you do that before?

Greg:
Dharma, your coffee gets cold

Edward Montgomery:
What are you afraid of, son?

Dharma:
Honey, guess what. I joined a band

Greg:
That

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Hey, what are you doin' today?

Jane:
Gonna hang out at Fisherman's Wharf, give tourists bad directions.

Dharma:
It's a doggie dog world!

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Brian!

Brian:
Um, am I early?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Early for what?

Brian:
We had a date?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Oh that's right. I forgot to call you. I got married.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Did you cut yourself?

Greg Montgomery:
[Gleefully] Yes! Several times!

Greg Montgomery:
By the way, hot means cold and cold means hot.

Greg Montgomery:
Thank you for sharing this with me. This is the first place I've lived in my whole life that feels like home.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I love it when you say that goopy stuff!

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
One time, when we were having sex, I pretended, you know, that I didn't have an orgasm.

Greg Montgomery:
You faked, not having one?

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
Well, I wanted to go again and I didn't want to have to wait in line. I'm sorry.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[with growing alarm] I'm going through my sex journal - for Kitty - for things that will kill Edward.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
[about their sex life] You mean you sat down one day and made up that schedule?

Greg Montgomery:
Oh god no, it took me a week.

[to priest in confessional]

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery:
I'm a leggy blonde. Trouble finds me

Greg Montgomery:
Did you guys even try to work this out? Have you consider therapy?

Edward Montgomery:
I *told* her to go.

Pete Cavanaugh:
Hey, now that you're single, you and I can go out trolling for some "skinunuy".

Edward Montgomery:
She sold my boat.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
I took your mom to the dirty store.

Greg Montgomery:
For what?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
You might want to reconsider that question, cause you know I'll tell you.

[last lines]

Greg Montgomery:
Dharma, the dogs are real, right?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Stinky is.

Jane:
Hey, will you do me a favor? Watch Mr. Boots for a couple days?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Where are you goin'?

Jane:
San Diego. Star Trek convention.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Since when are you a Trekkie?

Jane:
I'm not. I just like middle-age guys who are virgins.

Greg:
As unusual as this may sound, I'm not really into picking up guys for my ex-girlfriend, with my wife.

Edward Montgomery:
Gregory I appreciate you taking a moment to settle this little thing.

Greg:
No problem dad. That's why the FBI built the crime lab, to get to the bottom of these critical Gin Rummi disputes.

Greg:
Dharma, it doesn't matter if there's somebody out there who on paper is perfect for me because I love you.

Dharma:
Yeah, well, a dog can love a chicken [Greg gives her a funny look] But eventually he's gonna want another dog 'cause chickens don't chase cars and all the love in the world won't change that.

Kitty Montgomery:
Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be *me*.

Larry:
[referring to a stuffed grape leaf] Hey, how do you keep this lit?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Hey honey, where've you been?

Greg Montgomery:
Me and the guys flew to Tahoe and sailed a canoe backwards down a mountain.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
Good for you!

Greg Montgomery:
How about you?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
We put your mom in a black wig and took her down to the Navy base to party with a bunch of drunk sailors.

Greg Montgomery:
Good for her. What are you watching?

Jane:
Two man luge.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
It doesn't look that hard.

Jane:
We could do that.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery:
We could definitely do that.

Greg Montgomery:
Let me give you some pointers. The shuttle to Tahoe leaves on the hour, drink heavily, face forward and no matter what you may think, a canoe is not just as good.

[last lines]

Edward Montgomery:
Son, do you want to play catch?

Jane Deaux:
You are so cheap!

Pete Cavanaugh:
I'm not cheap, I'm sensible.

Jane Deaux:
You wash your hair with laundry detergent!

Pete Cavanaugh:
Hey, if it's good enough for my underwear, it's good enough for my hair!

Edward Montgomery:
[talking to Dharma] Hey, I put the F-U in fun little lady.

Trina:
Who are you?

Kitty Montgomery:
It's none of your business.

Trina:
It so happens that Greg is a very good friend of mine so I'm making it my business.

Kitty Montgomery:
I am his mother.

Trina:
Oh, I heard about you. Let me ask you a question, mommy.

Trina:
Can a woman wear white to a wedding if she wasn't a virgin when she still had a penis?

Dharma:
[answering Greg's cell phone] The cellular customer you have called has traveled outside the service area. Please hang up and return to a simpler way of life.

Dharma:
Greg, don't you understand? This injury is the universe's way of telling you to slow down.

Greg:
Any universe that talks to me through my groin can go around the corner and kiss my butt.