EuroTrip

Cooper:
All right. Stay black, Bert.

Cooper:
This isn't where I parked my car.

Jenny:
Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.

Scott:
Well, that's very sweet of you. Thanks.

Scott:
So, have you guys decided where you wanna go first?

Jenny:
Paris! I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy, and spent a mont sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

Cooper:
Stuck on a boat with a wierd French guy? That sounds a little gay.

Jenny:
It's not gay. I'm a girl.

Scott:
Kinda gay.

Cooper:
A little gay.

Scott:
Excuse me.

Mad Maynard:
Hello boyo!

Scott:
So what the hell happened last night?

Mad Maynard:
You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce son.

Hooligan:
So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!

Cooper:
Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing here.

Fiona:
Scott, I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other any more.

Scott:
What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you!

Fiona:
I know. That's what makes this so hard.

Hostel Clerk:
Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel. We feature one medium sized room containing 70 beds which can sleep up to 375 bodies a night. There is no bathroom. Nor is there one nearby. If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables. In your anus. This will deter some but of course not all thieves. Once you are inside, the doors are chained and locked from the outside. They will not be opened again until morning, no matter what. Should a fire occur due to our faulty wiring or, uh, the fireworks factory upstairs you will be incinerated along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus. Tips are greatly appreciated.

Cooper:
Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man!

Cooper:
So, what's the etiquette on boners here? Do I role over and dig a hole out or just let my flag fly?

Cooper:
You should see that picture, it makes all the girls in our high school look like walruses.

Jenny:
I'm a girl from our high school.

Cooper:
What the hell is that?

Jamie:
It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says if you have one of these, no-one can rob you of anything.

Scott:
Except your dignity.

Jamie:
No, you just put that in your... wait, what?

Scott:
What happened to you last night?

Jamie:
I got robbed! It was awesome.

Cooper:
This sucks, I didn't hook up with one European chick while I was here, Europe is officially the worst country in the world.

Italian Guy at Vatican:
This is one crazy Pope!

Robot Man:
Ow! My robot balls!

Robot Man:
Ow! My balls! Error! Error! Error!

Jamie:
What-what the hell are you doing?

Creepy Italian Guy:
Oh, scuzi, mi scuzi.

Scott:
Cooper the hat, the hat! The hat is on fire!

Cooper:
Oh we don't need no water, let the mother...

Jamie:
I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

Cooper:
Me neither.

Scott:
Sober as a judge.

Scott:
How about you?

Green Fairy:
I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!

Scott:
A dollar and 83 cents American. What can we get for that?

Scott:
Gotta love that exchange rate!

Scott:
They really are the worst twins ever.

Anna, The Camera Store Girl:
I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?

Jamie:
I don't smoke.

Anna, The Camera Store Girl:
Neither do I.

Scott:
I'm in love with Mieke.

Cooper:
Okay, okay, you know what? I was actually expecting this, and frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause I think they already know.

Scott:
No, you idiot. Mieke's a girl.

Cooper:
No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, then you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl.

Cooper:
Right? Right? That's hot.

Jamie:
Do you guys wanna see my itinerary?

Cooper:
Do you wanna see my balls?

Cooper:
There have to be at least a hundred drunk girls here, and we should be trying to have sex with each and every one of them!

Jenny:
Hello. Mixed company?

Cooper:
What?

Jenny:
I'm a girl.

Scott:
No, you're not.

Cooper:
Yeah, you're just a cool guy with long hair.

Cooper:
Show them the photo, Scotty. She makes every girl at our school look like a dog.

Jenny:
Hello? I'm a girl from you're school.

Cooper:
No, I mean ?girl? girl.

Jamie:
I had to tooter lacrosse players to save up money to buy this. So nobody touches my camera, except me.

Cooper:
Oh, so it's like your weiner.

Jamie:
No, it's not like my- Jenny!

Jenny:
Cooper, stop.

Cooper:
You still writing that guy? I thought that was for German class.

Scott:
At first it was, but we've become pretty good friends. He's actually a cool guy.

Cooper:
Scott, would ya listen to yourself? You met a ?cool guy" on the *Internet*. This is how these sexual predators work. First he's gonna want to arrange a meeting, then he's gonna kidnap you in the back of his van, then he's gonna make a wind chime out of your genitals.

Scott:
Hey, thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.

Cooper:
Oh, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me, I should be thanking you. This trip is a once in a life-time opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.

Scott:
What are you talking about?

Cooper:
I'm talking about crazy European sex.

Scott:
Ah.

Jamie:
I spent the last four years tutoring a lacrosse player just to pay for it. So nobody touches my camera, but me!

Cooper:
So it's like your weiner.

Jamie:
No it's not like my...

Scott:
There are so many... penises.

Jamie:
Frommer's tried to tell you. But you just didn't listen.

Cooper:
This is the biggest sausage fest on earth!

Scott:
It's the International House of Sausage!

Naked Spanish Guy:
Muchachas?

Naked African Guy:
Ladies?

Naked Tiny Asian Guy:
B*tches?

Naked Spanish Guy:
CHICA! CHICA! CHICA!

Scott:
I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!

Scott:
Dear sweet mother of God... we're in Eastern Europe!

Madame Vandersexxx:
Administer the Testicle Clamps!

Cooper:
There's your R rating right there.

Jenny:
So you just go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?

French rich guy:
No, please. It is not like that. I also sleep with men.

Cooper:
Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!

Scott:
Stop.

Scott:
Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!

Cooper:
"We don't need no water let the motha... "

Scott:
I'm not kidding! Look!

Cooper:
Oh, holy sh*t!

Cooper:
(putting on the pope hat) Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!

Scott:
Cooper... take off the pope hat.

Cooper:
Oh, no. It's OK. I'm catholic.

Scott:
Take it off, Goddammit!

Cooper:
Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.

(Scott and cooper after entering the 'FEISTY GOAT' Bar in London)

Scott:
Hi, What do you wanna........ [pause] Soccer Hooligans

Cooper:
Hey... This isn't where i parked my car.

Mad Maynard:
Oye, Who the bloody hell are you? This is private members bar exclusively for the supporters of the greatest football team in the world...... Manchester United. Now please enlighten me... Who the f*** are you?

Cooper:
That is a good question and... Scotty?

Scott:
We're the Manchester United Fan Club... from Ohio

Mad Maynard:
If you are the Manchester United Supporters then sing the Manchester United song.

Scott:
Excuse me, I'm sorry I'm not much of a singer

Mad Maynard:
OI... SING

Scott:
My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes another home again, to find me watching [pause] The Manchester United Football team! the best freakin' team in all the land woohoo!"

Mad Maynard:
Pretty good… pretty damn good lads, right!

“I’m never drinking again”

Scott:
We're from the Manchester United fan club from [gulp] Ohio

Cooper:
Haha look at Jamie's penis!

Cooper:
Hot European Sex!

Cooper:
Later Bert, stay black bro!

Cooper:
(to Jenny) You're just a really cool dude with long hair.

Mad Maynard:
Oi Lads! That wanker's got a franc football shirt on! Let's give this nancy a f***ing good kicking!

Mad Maynard:
Come on, You on the wrong side of the road you snail eating poofs, F*** Off! Get out of it, you wankers! Go on, you Gallic f***ing garlic breath tossers! Piss Off! Get in here and say that ya bloody right eyed Shaities, mate! C'mon! F***ing come and have it! You f***ing beep!?! We'll beep you bastards all over your f***ing nose! F*** Off! Go on, you french bastards! Get on the other side of the road, you pricks!

Mad Maynard:
If you're not a Manc, you're a wank!

Mad Maynard:
Hey lads, That Wanker's got Frog football shirt on, Let's give this Nancy a f***ing good kickin', Come on lads, he's goin' off

Weird Italian Guy:
Mi Scusi!

Donny:
Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday.

PC Mail Notification:
beep-beep. Mail Motherf***er!

Voiceover:
Congratulations, Hudson High Class of 2004 .

Scott:
There she is. Fiona! Hey.

Fiona:
Hey!

Scott:
Hey, you.

Fiona:
Congratulations, graduate. [They hug]

Scott:
Thanks, baby.

Fiona:
And congratulations to you, Cooper.

Cooper:
[Lean in to hug her] Aww. Thanks, baby!

Fiona:
[She pushes Cooper back] Nice try.

Cooper:
All right. See you at Wade's party tonight?

Scott:
See you then. So, it's just you and me for the entire summer. Next year you graduate, join me at college. Just like we planned.

Fiona:
Scott, we need to talk.

Scott:
Yeah? About what?

Fiona:
About me dumping you.

Scott:
Huh?

Scott's father:
There he is! The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend.

Scott's mother:
[Shooting camcorder] Okay? Smile, you two! Action!

Scott:
Dad, Mom, Grandma... Uncle Moke... uh... I'm gonna need a minute here, okay? [To Fiona] What do you mean, you're dumping me?

Fiona:
I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.

Scott:
What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you.

Fiona:
I know. That's what makes this so hard.

Scott's father:
You're looking good, you guys.

Fiona:
Scotty, it's not you. It's me. There I go, lying again. No, it was you. You're just so... predictable.

Scott's mother:
Smile!

Fiona:
So, that's it. Here's your letter jacket back. Goodbye.

Scott:
This isn't mine!

Scott's father:
She's a keeper, huh?

Scott:
Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Fiona!

[Cooper spying on 3 topless girls in a hot tub with two getting up to leave]

Girl 1:
I hope we're just as popular in college as we were in high school.

Girl 2:
We will be.

Girl 1:
I know.

Girl 2:
Who needs more Chablis?

Girl 1:
Candy, wanna come with?

Candy:
No, I'll stay here.

Cooper:
Well, there's your R-rating right there. [He jumps into hot-tub] Whoops! Holy cow! Oh, this isn't where I parked my car!

...

Donny:
I can't believe He's so trusting. While I'm right behind you thrusting.

...

Candy:
Cooper Harris, you're a pig!

Cooper:
Uh... Candy, you should clean that off before you go.

Candy:
Clean what off?

Cooper:
You got a little something on you.

Candy:
Where?

Cooper:
Right there. It's like a smudge, or something.

Candy:
Where?

Cooper:
It's like dirt, or something. Just go like this.

Candy:
Is it off?

Cooper:
No, keep rubbing it.

...

Donny:
I did it with her on his birthday.

...

Cooper:
Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm... No, it's just not coming off.

Candy:
What is it?

Cooper:
Maybe tree sap or something. Try pinching it. No, it's just not coming off. I'll tell you what. Lick your fingers, get some saliva going.

Candy:
Like this?

Cooper:
Yeah. Again, not enough saliva.

Candy:
Is it off yet?

Cooper:
Fine, I'll do it. Come here.

[Two girls come back with 3 football jocks]

Girl 1:
Oh, my God! Candy! Cooper!

Cooper:
Hey... This isn't where I parked my car. Hey. This band rocks! Yeah!

Mieke's boyfriend:
I've unblocked your email address, but this Scott is not responding.

Mieke's:
He was the one. I was going to give myself to him.

Mieke's boyfriend:
Perhaps you should give yourself to someone else... fraulein. [He sweeps books off desk and picks up Mieke laying her on it kissing passionately]

Jamie:
Better let me hold on to those.

Cooper:
What the hell is that?

Jamie:
It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says if you have one of these, no one can rob you of anything.

Cooper:
Except your dignity.

Jamie:
No, you just put that in your... wait, what?

Cooper:
Come on, guidebook. Let's go.

...

Cooper:
[Woman bending over at vending machine] Check it out. European ass. [Woman turns around and it's Jenny]

Jenny:
What's up?

Cooper:
Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some... girl. Come on. Platform 4.

Jenny:
Thanks.

Jenny:
[Can shoots out machine and rolls along floor] Damn!

Christoph:
[He catches the can] I believe this is yours. Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph.

Cooper:
Jenny, let's go! Move it!

Jenny:
Those are my friends. We're supposed to go to Berlin...

Cooper:
Jenny!

Jenny:
I'm coming!

Christoph:
So, it was really nice to meet you. The pleasure was all mine.

Jenny:
Jennifer.

[They're riding the train and Cooper starts singing through closed lips; "Scotty Doesn't Know" with Scott's glare]

Cooper:
What? You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.

[They all join in singing with projection]

...

[Italian man enters train compartment and sits between Jamie and Cooper squeezed in]

Scott:
You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.

Italian man:
Huh? Ah! Si, si. Pardon me. [Train goes through tunnel and emerges with the man got his hand on Jamie's knee who looks down at his hand who points to it with an open hand] Eh? Ohhh... Scusi. Mi scusi. Hi. [Jamie and Cooper rush to other seat side but Jamie is pushed away, man pats Jamie's seat spot] Buongiorno. [Train goes through tunnel and emerges with man massaging Jamie's shoulders]

Jamie:
What the hell are you doing?!

Italian man:
Mi scusi, mi scusi.

Jamie:
No! No, no, no!

Scott:
Uh-oh.

Jamie:
What?!

Scott:
Big tunnel!

Jamie:
Who's touching me?! Scotty, is that you?! Who's touching me?! Scotty! Oh!

[Tunnel emerges with all of them on other compartment side with man on their side with his pants off and smoking a cigarette]

Italian man:
Mi Scusi. Buongiorno. [Man is thrown out of compartment and his pants thrown out after who picks it up and walks away]

Jamie:
Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here.

Cooper:
Well, we got a couple of hours to kill. What's there to see in this town?

Jamie:
Hello? The Monument des Poissonieres. It's a monument to all the local fishermen who were lost at sea. Frommer's says it's supposed to be..."quite moving."

Cooper:
What the hell is wrong with you, C-3PO? We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue. I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.

Jenny:
Hmm. Says here this town has a famous nude beach.

Cooper:
All right, we can't all just lie around all day. We gotta experience the culture firsthand. Let's go exploring!

Cooper:
So, what's the etiquette on boners? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?

Scott:
Wait, wait. Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked, too?

Cooper:
Of course. Do you think you can go an hour without your currency colostomy bag?

Jamie:
As long as this thing has our money and passports in it, it's not coming off, and my trunks won't come off, either.

Cooper:
Come on. You came all the way to Europe. Can't wimp out now. Okay. All right, on the count of three. Here we go. [They takes off pants] Look at Jamie's penis!

Jamie:
Very funny. Very funny.

Cooper:
All right. Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin! Here we go. Really? Yes. Mm-hmm. Hello, ladies! [They run to beach only to realise it's all men]

Beach visitors:
Ladies? B*tches?

Cooper:
Eww! What a rip! There's no nude girls here, just guys like us looking for nude girls. I don't understand!

Jamie:
[Turns over a page in Frommer's with a you-should-know-better face] Crans Sur Mer has one of the best nude beaches on the continent. However, during the summer, the European women are chased away by gawking male tourists, so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists head to the deserted beach next to the Monument des Poissonieres.

Cooper:
There's so many penises.

Jamie:
Frommer's tried to tell you, but you just didn't listen.

Scott:
This is the biggest sausage fest on earth. It's the international house of sausage.

Jenny:
Hey! Thanks for waiting.

Cooper:
You're not missing anything. It's all guys.

Jenny:
At least the sun's out. [Takes off sweater and hat, starts shaking hair]

Cooper:
Holy crap!

Jenny:
What? I thought this was a nude beach.

Jamie:
[Heavily dramatised] No...! [Throws himself past Jenny in the style of an action film cliche]

Jenny:
Huh?

Jamie:
No.

Jenny:
What? What are you doing?

Jamie:
Jenny, you gotta cover up.

Beach visitors:
Girl? [They all start lumbering collectively on them zombie-style] Girl! Ooh, girl. Girl... girl. Girl... girl...

Jamie:
Run! I'm not gonna make it. Go on without me.

Scott:
All right. See ya.

Beach visitors:
Chica! Chica! Chica! Chica!

Scott:
I'm never drinking again.

Madame Vandersexxx:
He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.