Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties

Jon Arbuckle:
Liz, will you marry me?

[shows the ring to Liz]

Liz Wilson:
Yes.

[Everyone starts clapping]

Garfield:
You know a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's.

Prince:
[holding up lasagna plate] Please sir. May I have some more? [gives big eyes]

Jon Arbuckle:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Garfield, what are you doing?

Garfield:
I'm security, pal. Just protecting you from yourself.

Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield, you've caused enough trouble today. Now you have food, water, and company.

Garfield:
[points at Odie] Which one is he?

Jon Arbuckle:
Be good.

Garfield:
Jon, he's hilarious. Be careful, she's a maneater!

[Jon closes the door]

Garfield:
Oh no. He's under her spell.

[Odie still looks for the hamburger in the cabinet]

Garfield:
Okay, Odie, I'll give you one small clue... *it's not in there!*

Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield? Odie, wh-wh-what are you doing here?

Prince:
Garfield? What the devil is a garfield?

[sees two dogs on a horse-driven cart]

Garfield:
Hey, Odie, it's one of those royal corgis.

[also sees the queen on the cart]

Garfield:
Hey lady, you got any leftover liver?

[no response from the queen]

Garfield:
Ah, stuck-up little punk. Oh, I know she heard it, they had the top down. Odie... Odie?

[Odie starts peeing on a British soldier's foot]

Garfield:
D'uh-oh! Odie, no, don't do the ugly American thing!

[soldier looks down at Odie]

Garfield:
[running away with Odie from the soldier] The British are coming, the British are coming! Well, you made him crack anyway.

Prince:
[after falling out of hotel window] Sore bottom, a little disorientated, but undeterred!

Winston:
[End scene, in pool] Great party, sire!

Garfield:
Yep. When the going gets tough, the great ones party.

Garfield:
[Garfield's round figure prevents him to enter the playhouse, shows signs of struggle] Does this castle make my butt look a little too big?

Winston:
[Standing behind Garfield] Fits you like a glove.

Winston:
[Garfield strains through the entrance and due to excessive pressure, he emits a fart into Winston's face] Ooh! Blimey.

Garfield:
Pardon.

Winston:
Well struck, sire. Good tone, smooth finish.

Garfield:
Well, you took that in the best spirit, didn't you?

Veterinary Assistant:
They're gonna be fine, Jon.

Jon Arbuckle:
You know, Garfield's never stayed in a kennel before, so I'm afriad he might have some separation anxiety.

Veterinary Assistant:
[assuring] No. He's probably fast asleep in his cage by now.

[in the cage room, Garfield and Odie are in a cage and Garfield shouts while striking the cage door]

Garfield:
YOU HEAR ME WARDEN? I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!

[strikes the cage door again]

Garfield:
ANYTHING I SAY CAN AND WILL BE HELD AGAINST ME IN A COURT OF LAW!

[shakes the cage door]

Garfield:
AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY TOO, PAL!

[stomps the floor of the cage]

Garfield:
AND IF I CAN'T AFFORD ONE, ONE MUST BE PROVIDED FOR ME BY THE COURT!

[Garfield shakes the cage door very hard, causing it to swing open with him on it]

Garfield:
NEVER MIND!

[Garfield lets go of the cage door and falls to the floor]

Garfield:
I just broke out!

Garfield:
[jumps onto a table] We gotta put an end to this torture.

[meaning the soft music]

Garfield:
Time for a new DJ.

[switches the track to a loud fast-paced song]

Liz Wilson:
[to Jon] Don't let Odie out of your sight they might deport him.

Garfield:
[very interested] *Deport* Odie? Ooh, I like this country already! Oops...

[the table tips over and the bag and Garfield fall onto the floor]

Garfield:
[getting up] OK, I'm gonna need a litterbox, a Room Service manual and the TV remote and, in that order. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office.

[walks towards the bathroom]

Jon Arbuckle:
[looks into his bag and gets surprised that his clothes are gone] Where are my clothes?

Garfield:
[in the toilet] Cool. My very own cat tub.

[turns on the buttwasher and turns it back off immediately after being squirted by water]

Garfield:
Gol-ly!

[spits some water out]

Prince:
So it's hide-and-seek you want to play? Alright, I'll count to 100.

[Rommel barks]

Dargis:
Hello, Rommel!

Prince:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

[Dargis continues walking with Prince in the basket]

Prince:
35, 36, 37, 38...

[Dargis approaches the river]

Prince:
96, 97, 98, 99, 100. Alright, fair warning. Ready or not, here I co - - me!

[Dargis throws the basket in the river with Prince in it]

Dargis:
Bon voyage, Prince!

Prince:
Oh, dear me. I may have misjudged the old boy. Perhaps he is somewhat of a scoundrel. After all, this is *not* the way one plays hide and seek.

Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield, since when do you say "no" to lasagna?

Prince:
...You do realize I'm a cat, don't you sir?

[Prince is handed a plate of lasagna]

Prince:
Good Lord! What gruel is this?

Garfield:
What do they want, blood? I have been eating and sleeping my heart out for these animals. Still not enough. Like I'm as good as a royal cat could be?

[Garfield and Prince start mirror-playing against a bush doorway]

Garfield:
[after Prince collapses face first] Aha! I so... knew you weren't me.

Prince:
And you must be Garfield.

Garfield:
How do you know my name?

Prince:
I've lived your life for the past few days. Yes, if ever a man loved a cat, it's your Jon. Return to him, Garfield. Return to your home.

Garfield:
Your Highness, you don't have to tell me twice. Bye-bye.

Preston:
It's the real Prince. The genuine article.

Prince:
Yes, my friends, I have returned to you at this, our darkest hour. So tell me Winston, what exactly is Lord Dargis up to?

Winston:
He intends to level our homes and kill us all.

Prince:
O... kay. Well, in that case, I decree that we pack our bags and get our scraggy bottoms out of here. Perhaps to the castle next door.

Garfield:
[turns to leave] Oh boy.

Nigel:
Well, that was inspirational.

Bolero:
Brilliant.

McBunny:
I am so fired up.

Garfield:
[walking back] You know, I believe we can do better.

Preston:
I thought you were leaving.

Garfield:
Hey. Button the beak, Froot Loops, or I'll stick that thing on backwards. Look, Lord Doofus is just another bully. And what do we do to bullies?

Meenie:
Well, generally, we run from them.

Garfield:
[confident] No, we don't leave. We stand and we kick royal butt. Trust me, if you beastsssss can bake a two-cheese lasagna, you can beat Dargis.

Preston:
Well, do you have a plan, Garfield?

Garfield:
Tell you what. For the duration of this battle I would prefer to be called "G-Cat". And *we*... [indicating Prince]... have *two* plans.

Prince:
[realizing] Oh teamwork.

Garfield:
I'm the king of the cul-de-sac. That's what I'm talking about. Jon and I have everything I could ever want. Food in the fridge. Cable and satellite. And don't forget, lasagna. That's right. It's good to be king.

Garfield:
This is a huge mistake, Jon. One of your biggest. Don't roam. Stay home. Odie and I are not just going on for the ride.

[Odie runs over Garfield and leaps into the car]

Garfield:
[spits out some grass] This is actually an intervention.

[a duck takes a dip into the pool]

Dargis:
[shoos away the duck] You savage beast! How dare you! Get out of here! Smithee! There's something in the pool, Smithee!

[Smithee comes with a towel]

Dargis:
[dries himself] There's a duck in my pool, Smithee! A duck!

Smithee:
A duck, sir?

Dargis:
Filthy wild animal soaking itself in my pool. What do you intend doing about it?

Smithee:
I shall... speak to the duck, sir? Oh by the way, the solicitors are here for the reading of Lady Eleanor's will.

Dargis:
Excellent. In a few moments I'll be the master of this entire state. And from this day on things will be done my way.

McBunny:
Keep still. They're reading Lady Eleanor's will.

Christophe:
I've got a bad feeling about this.

Eenie:
I can't watch. If Lord Dargis gets the estate, we're done for!

Meenie:
We're done!

McBunny:
Quiet!

Garfield:
Hey, Mario Andretti. You're driving on the wrong side of the road, and I've got an entire pie in my stomach.

Smithee:
Don't worry, Prince. You'll feel better when we get back to Carlyle.

Garfield:
Bus driver, pull it over. I've got a pie belch coming that might break windows.

[burps loudly]

Garfield:
Aaahh.

[Smithee stops in front of Carlyle Castle, gets out, and opens the door for Garfield]

Smithee:
Come on, Prince.

Garfield:
[gets out of the car] Yeah, yeah, I used to be known as Prince, but you can just call me, Ga - r - field.

[awestruck by the castle]

Garfield:
Wow. Get a load of this dump.

Garfield:
Holy cow. I could hear my footsteps. Mom... Dad... I'm home.

Winston:
Your highness!

Garfield:
You're talking to me, froggy?

Winston:
It's me, your trusty servant, Winston.

Garfield:
Hey...

[shows off some fighting moves]

Garfield:
Warning, I don't fight fair. I scratch, and I bite.

Winston:
It's alright, sire. All is well now, your home.

Garfield:
Home? A retirement home, a happy home? So what is this... is this an insane asylum? Am I being kidnapped?

Winston:
Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, sire. Your loyal subjects await you. They need to be comforted by your word.

Garfield:
Hey... trust me, windbag. There's no way I'm gonna give a speech to a bunch of deranged...

Winston:
And then of course, following your words, a royal feast.

Garfield:
[interested] I think I'm just gonna do a tight two minutes, see if that will calm 'em down, okay?

Nigel:
Got it. Could have just come down and told me that, couldn't he? Alright, listen up. Barnyard newsflash. I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Christophe, Bolero, Eenie, McBunny:
The bad news.

Nigel:
Lord Dargis just threw Prince in the river.

[animals panic]

Winston:
Okay, give me the good news.

Nigel:
He was in a lovely picnic basket.

Eenie:
If he throws us in the river, we'll never survive!

Christophe:
You're ducks, you could swim.

Eenie:
Oh.

Preston:
[enters the barnyard with a scroll] Winston, I'm next in line for the throne.

Bolero:
Uh-oh. This could get ugly.

Preston:
[rolls out the scroll] I have here a new list of rules for governance.

Winston:
Preston, I hardly think that's necessary.

Preston:
Rule number one. The barnyard animals congregate entirely too close to the castle. We house pets need our space.

McBunny:
Oh, you've got enough space, laddie, right between your ears!

[animals laugh]

Preston:
You take that back! I command you! As your new king...

Winston:
Look. There's still a chance Prince may find his way back here. In the meantime, Claudius, you go into the castle and find out what Dargis is up to.

I, Claudius:
I'm on it. I'm your mouse on the inside.

Winston:
I'll see what I can learn from my end.

Winston:
Oyez, oyez. Prince XII has returned.

[ducks trumpet]

Garfield:
Thank you windbag, for that flobbering introduction. Hello, everybody!

[animals look in astonishment]

Garfield:
Hey, listen up...

[flicks Winston's nose]

Garfield:
is this an audience or a landscape? Okay, great to be back here at the palace. I look out, I see a sea of... of dumb barnyard animals. I'm here in your country to break up a romance between the guy who owns the house I live in and a girl who's way out of his league. I know that whatever it is that you have, there's some sort of affliction that produces this glazed look behind your eyes. I hope you defeat it. Wish I could take everybody home with me. Thank you.

[walks away]

Garfield:
I killed.

Winston:
Very funny, sire. Well done.

Nigel:
I didn't realize it was amateur hour.

Eenie:
What's up with Prince?

Christophe:
Oh, he's on the catnip again.

I, Claudius:
Hold on, chaps! Have I got news for you!

McBunny:
What's the word, Claudius?

I, Claudius:
Dargis is going to bulldoze the barnyard and feed us to the tourists!

Nigel:
Let him try. He'll have to deal with these fists of fury first, wouldn't he?

[animals complain]

Winston:
Calm yourselves, everyone. We're alright as long as Prince is alive.

McBunny:
Well, obviously, that feline is not Prince, you idiots!

Preston:
He's not even a cat formerly known as Prince.

[animals argue]

Winston:
Wait, he doesn't have to be Prince. He just has to look like him. If he fooled me, he'll fool them.

McBunny:
But what's to stop Dargis from getting rid of this cat too?

Winston:
McBunny's right. We must protect this cat at all costs. Our fates rely on it.

Jon Arbuckle:
[dries Prince with a towel] Mr. and Mrs. Jon Arbuckle... Liz Arbuckle... Elizabeth Arbuckle.

Prince:
Listen, you dolt. There's been a coup d'etat. Attempted murder most foul. I am Prince XII of Carlyle.

[smoothens fur]

Prince:
[to Odie] You there, with the wise and thoughtful look. Hello. Convince this man there's been a mix-up.

Jon Arbuckle:
[comes out of the bathroom with a blow-dryer] Garfield, I want you to be at my wedding party.

Prince:
Wedding party?

Jon Arbuckle:
Think you can hold a basket of flowers in your mouth?

Prince:
Enough with the frooming, you dunce. My subjects face mortal jeopardy.

[gets off the bed]

Prince:
[to Odie] Dog, approach.

[Odie approaches Prince]

Prince:
We must plan my escape, and I'm relying on your expedience and cunning.

[Odie begins chasing his tail]

Prince:
[sighs] Okey-dokey, new plan.

Garfield:
Come, my pumpkin windbag. We're ready to roll.

Winston:
Roll? Where to?

Garfield:
You know, to the hotel, to Jon.

Winston:
Your master? The one who's leaving you for his new wife?

Garfield:
He's not leaving me. It's more of a... temporary insanity thing.

Winston:
Garfield, your master started a new life. It's time for you to begin yours. Come on, I wanna show you something.

Garfield:
Look at this room, for example. How are you gonna liven this place up?

Winston:
But sire, this castle is centuries old.

Garfield:
It's a museum. It's boring. And you know what's missing when your crib is a museum? It's called fun!

Winston:
Fun?

Garfield:
It's not that hard, you just need a running start at something. Just... whoa...

Winston:
This is gonna end up so badly.

[Garfield slides across the floor and bumps into a table which sends a flower vase falling to the floor]

Garfield:
It was already cracked.

Winston:
Ha-ha. Nothing escapes you, sire.

Garfield:
Yeah, I like the way this feels. You slide, baby. Whoa...

[knocks over a china vase and breaks it]

Garfield:
D'uh oh.

Winston:
Don't worry about that. That one was cracked as well.

Garfield:
[leans against a statue] Oh, I can relax. Oops.

[the statue tips over, knocking down all the other statues in succession]

Dargis:
[enters the museum] What the... Oof!

[last statue falls on Dargis]

Dargis:
Smithee! Get this thing off me!

Garfield:
Oh, let's go try another room.

Winston:
Good idea, sire.

Garfield:
Careful. That's high-quality American cardboard you're tossing around in there. Beautiful, fellas. Hang the plasma over the slip-and-slide.

Winston:
Sire, a word?

Garfield:
Jowls, my lad. Guess what your enlightened, all-powerful ruler has brought to the castle.

Preston:
Oh, I can't wait to hear this.

Winston:
Don't tell me, a Renaissance painting.

Garfield:
Foosball, you know, foosball.

Winston:
Fo-fo-fo-foosball?

Preston:
What do you think this is, a pub?

Garfield:
Just because we don't have opposable thumbs, doesn't mean we don't play bargains.

Winston:
Yes sire, but I feel your life is in danger.

Garfield:
Listen, Winnebago, if I may call you that. When history speaks of me, and she will, I wanna be remembered as the Party Prince.

Winston:
As you wish.

Nigel:
You chaps know me, I'm no snob, right? But this cat is too much.

Preston:
That is an embarrassment to our whole way of life.

Nigel:
He's a disgrace to the furry race. "My pillow isn't soft enough, my TV remote won't work..."

Winston:
Don't get your knickers in a twist. I know he's a pain in the neck but we just gotta keep him safe till Monday.

[ducks trumpet]

Garfield:
Yeah, my loyal and fragrant subjects. Please, thank you. Briefly, I hate Mondays. I hate 'em. Therefore I decree, from this day forward, there will be no more Mondays.

Eenie, Meenie:
What?

Garfield:
Got it? Today is Tuesday, then. Happy Tuesday, everybody.

Christophe:
Yeah, I think he's lost it.

Winston:
Like I said, we just gotta keep him safe till Tuesday.

[after being served a plate of Carlyle log]

Garfield:
Ugh. Does a Great Dane live here?

Winston:
It's your Carlyle log, my lord. A savory of liver and spleen served in a sleeve of sheep's intestines.

Garfield:
And... you're supposed to eat it? What is this, Fear Factor? Intestines, spleen?

[pushes the plate away]

Garfield:
I'm the king, right?

Winston:
Prince, actually.

Garfield:
Same difference, I rule. Yes?

Winston:
Yes, Your Highness.

Garfield:
Great. Well, feed this to the humans, and just bring me a piping hot dish of lasagna. Okay?

Winston:
I'll see to it at once, sire.

Garfield:
Okay.

[jumps onto the table]

Garfield:
Hold it right here, all you animals. What goes on here, Winston?

Winston:
We're preparing the royal lasagna, sire. Unless you prefer another dish.

Garfield:
Did you say dish? Lasagna's not a dish, windbag. It's a way of life. A state of being one's perfect achievement. What did the Indians serve to the Pilgrims? Lasagna. What did Marie Antoinette scream to the rebel? "Let them eat lasagna." What did Neil Armstrong say when he landed on the moon? "That's one small slice of lasagna." It's not a dish. It's the stuff of dreams. It's the food of the gods. It's what's for lunch.

Winston:
Well, it seems we've already mucked it up.

Garfield:
You just need a little guidance, that's all.

Garfield:
You know what, I've got two words for that guy: you're fired.

Winston:
If only it were that simple, sire.

Jon Arbuckle:
What am I gonna do? How am I supposed to find Garfield? London's very big.

[Odie fetches some newspaper from the trash can and hands it to Jon]

Jon Arbuckle:
[after reading the headline] I don't care about some alien love baby, okay? I'm worried about Garfield.

[Odie jumps on Jon and licks him, telling him to turn the paper over]

Jon Arbuckle:
Okay Odie, you know what, you're being a real...

[reads the article about Prince]

Jon Arbuckle:
"Lady Eleanor Carlyle inherits her entire estate to her beloved cat Prince XII." Maybe somebody mistook this cat for... Garfield! Come on! Good boy!

Preston:
Hogwash! This cat is mocking us at every turn.

Winston:
Preston, calm yourself. He's only doing what's best for us.

Preston:
How much longer should we sustain this charade?

[Garfield peeks into the door]

Preston:
I can't believe this cat is so stupid as to think he is actually erotic.

Winston:
Well, he does. And house cat or not, we need him.

Garfield:
Wha - ? House cat?

Winston:
Just have a little patience.

Preston:
Patience? Fine. Admit it, Winston. This buffoon couldn't groom the paws of a real king.

Garfield:
Buffoon?

[after being locked in a dungeon by Dargis]

Garfield:
[from inside a sack] You creep!

Dargis:
There's more than one way to skin a royal cat!

Garfield:
I'm not a royal cat, I'm a self-centered house cat! Wait!

[gets out of the sack and runs to the door]

Garfield:
Why, you think I'm gonna crack in here? Uh-uh. No. This is gonna be a treat. I'm finally gonna have some quality alone time. I'm gonna write that novel I've been putting off. I'm gonna learn a couple of foreign languages, I'm gonna start a whole new workout regimen. I'm gonna lose all this. Get myself in top physical condition... thank you! Yeah, I love it here. You've done me an enormous favor. Who's laughing now?

[laughs timidly]

Garfield:
And there's the time I got hit by that car,

[scratches a line on the wall]

Garfield:
and the time I ate that six-day-old halibut.

[scratches another line on the wall]

Garfield:
That's only seven lives. I got two more. I'm gonna get out of this.

[a rock falls, creating a hole in the wall]

Garfield:
Bingo.

I, Claudius:
[pokes his head through the hole] Winston and I have come to your rescue.

Garfield:
Took you long enough. What, did you finally hear my stomach growl?

I, Claudius:
[enters the dungeon] No, but we heard your tiresome monologue. Bad halibut indeed.

[a rock moves, revealing an escape path from the dungeon]

Winston:
Let's get you out of here, your royal highness.

Garfield:
Winster.

Winston:
The solicitors are here. We have to move quickly.

Garfield:
Huh.

Winston:
Then we lunge in, your royal highness.

Garfield:
Yeah, you can drop that shtik, drool boy. I heard you and the bird. How about the "house cat" part? I love that.

Winston:
Oh, all right, all right, so we weren't exactly honest. We had to do it. What would you have done?

Garfield:
Save your breath, chubby cheeks. I shall abdicate my throne and return to my TV chair.

Winston:
You're our only hope.

Garfield:
The only hope of the hopeless.

Garfield:
[to Odie] Okay, blockhead. Time to bust out of here and catch up with Jon. First let's grab some chow before I eat your liver,

[in a 'Hannibal Lecter'ish voice]

Garfield:
with some fava beans a nice Chianti.

[Garfield and Odie get off the bed]

Garfield:
[to housekeeper] Uh, sorry, we left a bit of a mess in the bathroom, thanks.

Garfield:
Yo, it's lasagna, not shish kebab

Dargis:
But that fat ball of fur could last for another 15 lives!

Prince:
All right, I'll count to 100.

Prince:
35, 36, 37, 38... ..96, 97, 98, 99, 100.

Jon:
Uh, oh, could you deliver this to the girl in room 407?

Garfield:
13 hours in a bag with a farting dog?

Garfield:
[while at Buckingham Palace] Hey, lady! Got any left over liver? Oh, I know she heard me. They are dogs, Odie. Odie? [Odie whizzes on a soldier's foot] Odie, no don't do the ugly American thing! [the soldier looks down at Odie, and chases Garfield and Odie] The British are coming! The British are coming!

Winston:
These are your ancestors, dating back 400 years.

Garfield:
[bounces on a bedchamber] I could do some snoozing here, yeah. Even a king needs a catnap. Get up! Get down. Get up! This baby is spring-loaded. Why do you think they call me-- Highness?

Garfield:
Does this castle make my butt a little too big?

Garfield:
For those keeping score at home, that's 18 lives.

[Dargis notices Liz in the tour group and takes an instant liking to her.]

Dargis:
Hello. Welcome to Carlyle Castle, my dear.

Liz:
Thank you. It's--it's beautiful.

Dargis:
[refers to her dress] Well, that makes two of you. Did I mention how much I abhor fox hunting, unless, of course, in self-defense.

Liz:
Bye.

[Liz tries to walk away, but Dargis walks up to her and puts his hand around her waist]

Dargis:
If I may... Uh, one question, uh...?

Liz:
Liz.

Dargis:
Ah, the same as our own dear queen. [offers her a drink] Cordial? One question, Liz?

[Garfield walks past sadly and overhears Dargis talking to Liz.]

Garfield:
Liz?

Dargis:
What would you say if I were to donate one of my priceless oil paintings to your conservancy?

Liz:
Um... Thank you?

Dargis:
Mm! But how would you say it?

[Garfield doesn't like seeing Dargis flirting with his owner's girlfriend.]

Garfield:
That royal sleaze is hitting on Liz.

Dargis:
Perhaps you would consider dining with me at the castle tonight?

Jon:
Liz, will you marry me? [shows her the ring]

Liz:
Yes.

Garfield:
You know, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's.

a cat scratch fever oh oh oh cat scratch fever someone check my tempature

Garfield:
Oh, dear. Why is it the weird ones always go for the cat and not the dog?

Garfield:
Odie, no! Don't do the ugly-American thing!

Garfield:
But Liz is a girl

Prince:
Oh, dear heaven. Why is it the weird ones always go for the cat and not the dog?

Prince:
Garfield? What the devil is a Garfield?

Prince:
What ho!?