Grim & Evil

Mandy:
[on show intro] Evolution takes no prisoners.

[repeated line]

Fred Fredburger:
Yes!

Billy's Mom:
Oh sorry, Billy. We weren't laughing AT you, we were laughing WITH you.

Billy's Dad:
I was laughing AT you.

Billy:
Why, Grim? Why do the good die young?

Grim:
Well, usually because I get confused.

[Billy and Mandy have been discussing Billy's fear of clowns, which Mandy has called "pointless"]

Billy:
Mandy, you have to believe me! The clowns want to take over and become the dominant species! They will [shouts at the top of his lungs] Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all!

Billy:
[sitting at his desk in class with his fellow students] [shouting] Destroy us all!

Billy:
[at the chalkboard, attempting to solve a math problem] [shouting] Destroy us all!

Billy:
[at his locker in the hallway] [shouting] Destroy us all!

Billy:
[In Biology class, dissecting a frog] [shouting] Destroy us all!

Billy:
[on the swingset at recess] [shouting] Destroy us all!

Billy:
[in the lunch line] [calmly to the lunch lady] I'll have the chicken

Billy:
[sitting at the lunch table with Mandy and Irwin] [shouting] Destroy us all!

Billy:
[doing sit-ups with the other kids in gym class] [shouting] Destroy us all!

Billy:
[in the Boy's bathroom, we see Billy's feet underneath a closed stall] [shouting] Destroy us all!

Billy:
[getting off the bus with Mandy] [shouting] Destroy us all! [he walks home off screen, still shouting]

Mandy:
[annoyed] That's it! [pours Grim, piece by piece, out of her backpack]

Grim:
Why does the fate of humanity always end up in the hands of an idiot?

Grim:
One little, two little, three headless teddy bears. Four little, five little, six headless teddy bears. Seven little, eight little, nine headless teddy bears. Half a million to go.

Hoss Delgado:
Give it to us straight, Goodburger. Is our little Remus...

Mandy:
Billy.

Hoss Delgado:
...Billy, on the bullet train to Smartsville, or is he riding the slow pony to the rubber forest?

Hector Con Carne:
I'm not even on this stupid show any more!

Eris:
Who wants punch? Oh, I do!

[grabs the punch bowl and sticks her face in it] Open the pod bay doors, Hal!

Eris:
Care for some trout?

[hits Principal Goodvibes with a trout]

Principal Goodvibes:
Um... why did you hit me in the face with a trout?

Eris:
Because the mackerel wasn't fresh.

[regarding Eris, who is kissing Hoss Delgado]

Grim:
I can't believe I used to have a crush on her, back when she was in that "Valley Girl" phase.

Mandy:
I think we'd all like to forget that phase.

Billy:
I'm a poet, and I didn't even know that I had the ability that I might be!

Grim:
[to irwin] Don't Make me go Evil on your...

Irwin:
[interrupting]... As I was saying...

Mandy:
[on show intro] This statement is false!

Mandy:
[on show intro] I missed you... [pulls out a laser cannon]... but my aim is improving.

Jeffrey the Spider:
Hey, Dad.

Billy:
[frightened] Get away!

Jeffrey the Spider:
I've got some big news to tell you. I just laid thousands of eggs. You know what that means?

Billy:
Aah!

Jeffrey the Spider:
Yep, you're going to be a grandpa!

Billy:
Ask me a question. Give me a challenge.

Grim:
Who developed the theory of relativity?

Billy:
That is a trick question, Grim; everyone knows fruit bats are mammals.

Mandy:
[on show intro] Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law!

Billy:
[whispering] Hey, Irwin, you gots any gum?

Irwin:
[looking into his backpack] Well, I have a plum, a drum, even a tiny chum no bigger than my thumb... but no gum, yo.

Mandy:
[holding a knife and fork at the show's intro] If you really are what you eat, I should become you by morning.

Mandy:
[In the Intro] It is not enough to succeed. [Dark voice] Others must fail!

Billy:
[about Dora the Explorer] Is it that one about the little girl who wanders around the jungle with no parental supervision, avoiding crisis and conversing with the local wildlife with the aid of her foreign language-speaking monkey?

Mandy:
[after the theme song] Caution; contents may have shifted during shipping.

Pandora:
Uh, thanks. That was cool. I like your style.

Mandy:
My style is that I hate everything, especially new kids.

Billy:
Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all!Destroy us all!Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all!

Mandy:
[in show intro] No matter how bad it seems, it could get worse.

Grim:
Billy, de apple wouldn't pick you if you were a booger.

Grim:
Give me that apple. Don't force me to use my kung fu.

[Mandy has poured Grim, piece by piece, out of her backpack]

Grim:
[annoyed] Okay, we need to talk about this backpack thing. It's very demeaning.

[all of his bones form back together into his old self and his robe appears on his body]

Grim:
I'm the Grim Reaper, for goodness sake.

[he takes out his scythe]

Grim:
I used to have a chariot of 400 burning horses. My arrival on the scene would be a raging thunderclap of fear!

[Mandy walks away to Billy's house and Grim follows]

Grim:
Now it's, "Hey, have you seen Grim?" "Yeah, I think he's wedged between a history textbook and a tuna fish sandwich."

[they enter the house, passing Billy who is watching TV and yelling "Destroy us all!" repeatedly, eventually arriving in the basement where Grim's trunk is]

Grim:
And I'm pretty sure the guys in the underworld accounting are laughing at me behind my back. Those guys are turbo-nerds! I bet none of them had a date since the 1800s.

[he looks down into the ground]

Grim:
Hear that, you dateless turbo-nerds? I'm on to you! Hmph!

Grim:
Man's loneliness is only his fear of life.

Jack O'Lantern:
Do you KNOW who I am?

Billy:
...No. Trick or treat!

Jack O'Lantern:
Three hundred and sixty-four days a year. I can't even go to the ding-dong grocery store to buy pudding. And do you know why?

Billy:
Ooh, ooh, is it because you're a pumpkin-headed freak?

Jack O'Lantern:
Yes! And why is that?

Billy:
Is it 'cause Grim cut your real head off?

Jack O'Lantern:
Yes. And tonight, I'm going to return the favor.

Billy:
You're going to cut Grim's head off? Don't be an idiot. Grim's head is removable; observe.

[removes Grim's head]

Jack O'Lantern:
Ah, but any head cut off with the Grim Reaper's scythe stays off... forever!

Billy:
That's a different story. Sorry, Grim ol' boy, tough break.

[Walks away]

Billy:
Well, we sure had some good times together, eh, Grim?

[Guffaws]

Grim:
You're just going to leave me here?

Jack O'Lantern:
Now, now, that's no way to get *a head*!

Grim:
That's not funny.

Jack O'Lantern:
[Snaps fingers, commanding tree ghoul to restrain Grim] Come on, now, where's your sense of humor?

[laughs deviously and whistles casually while placing a basket where Grim's head will drop after decapitation]

Grim:
Oh, poop.

[Billy whistles casually and realizes the whole decapitation issue]

Billy:
[Runs off, panicked] Grim's in trouble! Help, police!

Captain Deadwood:
They call me Captain Deadwood, the Heartless. Arr! But don't let the name fool ya; I'm not a real captain.

[Mandy gets sprayed by cow's milk]

Grim:
What's this?

[he sees a retro cartoon phonograph]

Grim:
Hey, Mandy, I've figured out what's making that music.

[Mandy gets up]

Grim:
You okay?

Mandy:
[sourly] Do I look okay?

Grim:
It's hard to tell; you sort of always look that way.

[Mandy gets sprayed by cow's milk again]

Grim:
[laughing] Now that's comedy!

Mandy:
[really furious; screaming] I HATE RETRO CARTOONS!

Gepetto:
Pinocchio, it's not that I don't love you anymore. It's just that I love Billy more. And you're dead to me.

Mandy:
[after the show intro] Violets are blue, roses are red. We're coming aboard, prepare to eat lead.

Grim:
How come every time I take you kids to the mall it burns to the ground?

Billy:
I blame the economy.

Santa Skarr:
And what do you want Santa to bring you, Cassie?

Cassie:
A cool pair of wings so I can fly!

Santa Skarr:
Yes. And Santa wants another $1.50 an hour, but apparently he's not getting that either! See Cassie, deception is also a gift.

Billy:
Mandy! I'm getting presents in the New World Order! Mrs. Claus said so!

Mandy:
Grim, everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.

Grim:
The whole "childhood wonder" stage just blew right past you, didn't it?

Mrs. Claus:
Billy, you are the only one who's ever offered me any help. You're the only one who's ever given me any respect.

[pause]

Billy:
Do we have pie?

Mandy:
[on show intro] Sometimes you drink the milk, sometimes the milk DRINK you.

Grim:
I wonder how Billy's picnic is going.

Billy:
[flies by really fast though the air] Hey Grim! Hey Mandy!

Grim:
That answers one question but raises so many others.

[the bears chase Billy into a cave]

Billy:
[taunting from the cave] You dumb bears can't get me in here!

Yogi:
He's right, Boo-Boo. We bears are terribly afraid of caves.

Boo-Boo:
Why are we so lame, Yogi?

Billy:
Why do you have to hate each other? Can't you see you're just like peas and mashed potatoes? Some people don't like them to touch each other if they're on the same plate! But it's okay. It's okay if they touch! Because they both get chewed up by the mouth, and sent down the esophagus and dissolved into the stomach and absorbed into the intestines and oh I won't go any further than that. But the point is, we're all just nutrients in the great big digestive system called LIFE!

Mandy:
Billy ate all your chocolate.

Chocolate Sailor:
One kid ate ten thousand units? He ain't human!

Mandy:
Not anymore, he ain't. It turned him into solid chocolate. He tasted so delicious he couldn't keep from eating himself. Now all that's left is his big chocolate head. We need an antidote.

Chocolate Sailor:
It happens every time. How can I have a proper crew if they keep eating themselves?

Mandy:
I'm leaving for school now, mother. In my absence, I expect my clothes washed, ironed and pressed, my room cleaned, Saliva bathed, my socks color-coordinated, my goth metal posters framed, the house remodeled, the toilet spit-shined, my room painted black, my knives polished and my secret mutant army released into the streets of Endsville. All done by hand.

Grim:
[to a "person scout" about selling cookies] You've got to know how to close a deal, small-fry. The Reaper always knows how to close a deal. We bad.

Billy:
I LOVE YOU DAISY!

Chupacabra:
I love you too Billy! [sniff]

Mandy:
[in show intro] By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.

Grim:
[a small monster has latched onto Billy's head] I tink it's tryin' to suck his brains out, mon!

Mandy:
Poor thing's gonna starve.

Mandy:
Wait, so that's a Chupacabra?

Billy:
I believe the proper pronounciation is "Chupamaflablah".

Librarian:
[Mandy is being rude] I will not stand for this!

Mandy:
[points] There's a chair right over there.

Grim:
[glances at Rudolpho] So, what are you... in for?

Rudolpho:
I beat the snot out of a guy... for farting!

Grim:
[looks down and spots the duck ready to blow a raspberry and calls desperately] Guard!

Rudolpho:
Just the sound of it makes me so angry!

Grim:
[more desperately] Guard!

Rudolpho:
Angry!

Grim:
[as desperate as possible] Guard!

Guard:
[finally arrives] All right, Reaper, your bail is here.

Irwin:
I came here as soon as I got the call, yo, Grim

Grim:
[relieved sigh] I knew I could count on you, Irwin.

Irwin:
[hands a piggy bank to the guard] Here you are, Officer.

Guard:
Gee, thanks. [throws the piggy bank across the room, breaking it] How much was in that piggy bank?

Irwin:
Four dollars and thirty-two cents.

Guard:
So, you like to be a jokester, do ya, Mr. Funny Guy? Mr. Comedian, eh? Well, the bail is thirty-five hundred dollars!

Irwin:
[sobbing] I was only trying to be helpful!

Guard:
Now get out of my jail, out!

Irwin:
[runs out, sobbing] Sorry, Grim!

Guard:
I'd like to think I'd make a difference.

Irwin:
That was wiggety-whack, yo. [finds the duck] Hey, a duck!

Mandy:
But I'm trying to say is Daisy is a ghost that is cursed to live inside the video tape. It comes out of the TV to suck the life out of its victims. That's how it feeds. That's how it survives. Now we must return it back from the video from once it came.

Mandy:
Now hatred is the highest plessure. Men love and haste, but detest at leasure.

Mandy:
[after the theme song] Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; men love in haste but they detest at leisure.

Mandy:
I thought we are going out for a hamburger. We've been in this car for hours. I get cranky when I'm hungry!

Billy:
I get hungry when I'm cranky! We're like twins! [burps as Mandy punches him into the seat, causing him to have a white airbag on his head]

[Grim is aghast to see Mandy and her shadow as the same and Billy and his many, many shadows at once]

Mandy:
Well, Grim, it looks like you'll have to take us *all* home.

Mandy's shadow:
And we'll play together...

Mandy:
...forever...

Mandy's shadow:
...and ever...

Mandy:
...and ever...

Mandy's shadow:
...and ever.

Billy's shadows:
And ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever...

Billy:
...AND *EVER*!

Announcer:
[Chicken Ball Z] Welcome to our coverage of the Junior Karate Championships. We've got a capacity crowd tonight, and they've all come for one reason... to watch little kids beat the *snot* out of each other!

Sperg:
[Chicken Ball Z] You got something to say to me, squirt?

Mandy:
Your mother has a job and is a respected member of the community.

Sperg:
No one talks about *my* mother that way!

Prize Presenter:
[Chicken Ball Z] Congratulations! Here's your prize money, you adorable little psycho.

Mandy:
INFIDEL! I do not require material things! I require an opponent worthy of my skills! Now!

Mandy:
[Chicken Ball Z] Billy, you look like a nerd.

Billy:
When I left you, I was but a nerd. Now I am the master.

Mandy:
Looks like I'll have to use my full power to fight you, Billy.

Billy:
Bring it on, baby cakes.

Grim, The Grim Reaper:
[Chicken Ball Z] I can't believe I'm finally rid of those brats!

Eris:
And I got to get jiggy with the chaos.

Grim, The Grim Reaper:
Everyone wins!

Mandy:
No, I win. And I want my $50,000!

Billy:
And I want a snow cone!

Mandy:
Love is for the weak-minded.

Grim:
[Nergal opens a carnival at Billy and Mandy's neighborhood] You are unpleasant to be around...

Nergal:
Oh, come on, what I did to you?

Nergal:
[Grim and Mandy express hostile faces] He he he... That means excluding the kidnapping and the shocks?

[Grim is slicing off the heads of all the Happy Huggy Stuffy Bears]

Grim, The Grim Reaper:
[singing] One little, two little, three headless huggy bears, four little, five little, six headless huggy bears, seven little, eight little, nine headless huggy bears, and I still have a million to go! [speaking] Ah, I haven't had this much fun since the French Revolution.

Mandy:
[on show intro] As you value your life and your reason, keep away from the morgue.

Billy:
[Grim is trying to cut a weed in Skarr's yard with his scythe] Hi Grim! Are you practicing golf?

Gen. Skarr:
He's trying to get rid of this weed.

Billy:
[Billy walks over to the weed] Here, let me try.[Starts to yell at it] Hey you stupid weed! You're stupid and ugly! And your parents fight 'cause they hate you! So why don't you just scram?[Stops yelling, then walks away] Well then...

Billy:
I'm going outside to relieve some gas mom!

[Grim, Billy, and Mandy are at the mall]

Grim:
Oh, poo!

Mandy:
What now Grim?

Grim:
It's just that when you said we were going to a "mall," I thought we were going to see people getting teared limb from limb by a ferocious beast. Not this!

Billy:
Hey, guys! Guess who's going camping!

[Camera pans out to reveal Billy tied to the roof of his car]

Billy:
MEEEE!

Grim:
My name is Grimmy and I've come to reap your immortal soul.

Grim:
Cerberus is a monster! He didn't just eat my homework; he ate me dad!

Grim:
[as a child, before becoming the Grim Reaper, as per his mother's wish] I don't want to be the Grim Reaper. I just want to sing, and IIII-IIII will!

Grim's Dad:
Enough! You'll do what your mother tells you. Singing is for birds and sissies.

Gangster:
Yo Goodvibe, yo mamma's so hairy bigfoot takes pictures of her!

Principal Goodvibes:
And by the way, 'Yo mamma's so ugly, when she entered an ugly contest, she got turned away because they said "Sorry, no professionals!"

Irwin:
Hippo? H-he looks more like a fat cow!

Principal Goodvibes:
[rapping] Check 1, 2; Yo yo yo, I'm about to go off, y'all. Watch it, watch it now! Ungh... [short fart] . G'night, peace!

Mandy:
[First lines] Push the button, pull the chain, here comes the chocolate choo-choo train.

Mandy's Mom:
It's not that we don't love Mandy.

Mandy's Dad:
It's just that we're kinda scared of her.

Mandy's Mom:
I'm afraid to even make eye contact with her.

Mandy's Dad:
When she was born, wolves came to the hospital to try to raise her as one of their own. Sometimes we wonder if we were wrong to stop them

Mandy:
How would you rate Billy as a caregiver?

Jeff the Spider:
Uh, pretty good, I guess. Except that he's never remembered my birthday, or payed child support. In fact, he usually just jabs me with a big stick. [Billy jabs him with a big stick] Ow!

Billy:
I'll jab you good, you filthy bug!

Jeff the Spider:
Why don't you love me dad? I'll be anything you want me to be!

Billy:
I want you to be dead!

Fred Fredburger:
[about Wiggy Jiggy Jed's hat] Hey! Can I try on that hat? I think it's important! It's important for me to try on the hat because...

Judge Roy Spleen:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Fred Fredburger:
Judge?

Judge Roy Spleen:
No, shut up.

Fred Fredburger:
Judge?

Judge Roy Spleen:
Shut up.

Fred Fredburger:
Judge?

Judge Roy Spleen:
I order you to shut up!

Fred Fredburger:
Judge?

Judge Roy Spleen:
WHY WON'T YOU SHUT UP?

Fred Fredburger:
...Judge?

Judge Roy Spleen:
[sighs]

[Wiggy Jiggy Jed's hat appears on top of Fred Fredburger's head]

Judge Roy Spleen:
Yes.

Fred Fredburger:
Judge! Hey, judge! Yes, when do we get hammer thingies? Because I can maybe make some nice stuff, like a table, or some chairs, or...

Judge Roy Spleen:
This is called a gavel, and no, you don't get one!

Fred Fredburger:
Hey, can I borrow yours for a minute, oh thank you!

Fred Fredburger:
[starts hammering the wall]

Fred Fredburger:
Fred Fredburger! Fred Fredburger! Fred Fredburger! Fred Fredburger!

Judge Roy Spleen:
Give me that!

[Judge takes hammer away from Fred]

Judge Roy Spleen:
And sit back down!

Fred Fredburger:
But, I wasn't finished!

Billy's Mom:
Oh, my stars and garters! What happened in here?

Billy:
Grim conjured up this...

Fred Fredburger:
Hey, who's that lady?

Billy:
That's my momma.

Fred Fredburger:
Does she make cookies?

Billy's Mom:
Sometimes.

Fred Fredburger:
Well, sometimes, my mom makes me cookies... with chocolate chips, and sometimes, she makes me peanut butter bars, and sometimes, she doesn't make me anything... Chocolate chip is my favorite. Yes.

Billy:
Oooooookaaay.

Fred Fredburger:
I got to make a poo poo!

Fred Fredburger:
Don't worry, I found some nachos! Yes.

Billy:
[singing] Please vote me the keeper of the reaper/ I wanna be the keeper of the reaper/ His skinny white bones are mine to own/ To do with as I see fit/ Give him to me and I promise my love won't quit!

Mandy:
I disagree 'bout the keeper of the reaper/ It should be me who's the keeper of the reaper/ Grim's not a toy for an idiot boy/ Who can't even tie his shoes/ If Billy wins, then we all surely lose!

Grim, The Grim Reaper:
Don't *I* get a say about the keeper of the reaper?/ I'll make you all pay for the keeper of the reaper!/ All my rage is bottled up in this cage/ Held back by these iron bars/ I'll never get rid of these mental scars!

Judge Roy Spleen:
I don't care who's the keeper of the reaper/ I'm losin' my hair over keeper of the reaper/ A mountain of stress is crushing my chest/ I'm going blind in one eye/ And its all be-cause of that stupid guy!

Fred Fredburger:
Don't worry! I found some nachos! Yes. [Judge Spleen hits him on the head with the gavel] OW!

Billy:
[rapping] Time to make you ill, old school style! [reverts back to singing] Grim is the corner in my square!

Mandy:
Grim's the chocolate in my eclair.

Billy:
Grim is the freshener in my air!

Mandy:
Grim's the conditioner in my hair.

Billy:
GRIM'S THE PIC-A-NIC IN MY BEAR!

Mandy:
Grim is the cushion in my chair.

Billy:
Grim is the renaissance in my fair!

Mandy:
Grim is the anger in my stare.

Billy:
Grim is the stain in my underwear!

Mandy:
Somehow I knew you were gonna go there.

Mandy:
Objection! He's leading the witness!

Billy:
I'm not leading him! I'm just trying to make him say exactly what I want him to say!

Mandy:
I'd like to call the court's attention to exhibit A, [pulls out Civil War cap] a hat that belonged to another of Bily's pet, one Wiggy Jiggy Jed. That is, until Billy destroyed him.

Billy:
I had a good reason! He bored me!

Mandy:
And what will happen when Grim bores you? Will you destroy *him*, too?

Fred Fredburger:
[viewing a flashback] Hey, who's that man?

Billy:
That's my dad.

Fred Fredburger:
Ah, you look like him!

Billy's Dad:
He'd better look like me. [points at his wife] 'Cause if he looked like *you*, he'd be PRETTY!

Judge Roy Spleen:
[to Fred Fredburger] Get over here! Now, listen to me. I need you to [Fred reaches for gavel but Judge hits his hand] Don't touch that! I need you to think back on everything you've heard to today... and tell me. Who should get Grim: Billy or Mandy?

Judge Roy Spleen:
Yes.

Judge Roy Spleen:
Yes to Billy... or yes to Mandy?

Fred Fredburger:
Yes.

Judge Roy Spleen:
Yes.

Fred Fredburger:
Yes.

Judge Roy Spleen:
Yes. I see! You're saying Grim shouldnt be separated from either Billy or Mandy... because that would destroy their friendship.

Fred Fredburger:
Yes.

Judge Roy Spleen:
And friendship is our most personal treasure. Even more personal than our toothbrush.

Fred Fredburger:
Yes.

Judge Roy Spleen:
Fred Fredburger, your words have moved my crusty heart. Therefore, I hereby declare Billy's family be placed under house arrest and never be allowed to move! Court adjourned!

Mandy:
[in show intro] Push the button, pull the chain, here comes the chocolate choo-choo train.

Fred Fredburger:
Gosh, I love paperwork, especially the part where I get to write my name. F, R, E, D... F, R, E, D... B, U, R, G, E, R! Fred Fredburger! Yes!

Creepy Neighbor:
It made horrible mistake number one: it... bought... the house!

Creepy Neighbor:
It was not always like this... broken... hearted... wretched - is that pepperoni?

Mandy:
So, we were thinking of setting you free.

Grim:
Really?

Billy:
Yeah. All you gotta do is say you're a little girl.

Grim:
I'm... a little girl.

Mandy:
I'm not sure I bought it.

Billy:
Yeah! Are you a *pretty* girl?

Grim:
[speaking in an ecstatic, high-pitched, feminine voice] I'm very pretty! Look at me! I'm *queen* pretty! Aren't boys just so dreamy? I can talk on the phone for hours about nothing!

Mandy:
Grim?

Grim:
Let's brush my hair! And paint my toes!

Mandy:
You can stop. We were only kidding.

Grim:
Oh, it's fun to accessorize! Let's all ride some magical pink ponies! I'll name mine Sparkles Fantastic!

Old Crazy Man:
["welcoming" Gen. Skarr to the neighborhood; shouting] CURSED! CURSED! Woe to all who live in that house, for they shall only know PAIN! *PAIN*!

[He then speaks calmly]

Old Crazy Man:
Oh, and welcome to the neighborhood. Here's some nice gelatin the wife made. It's got bits of fruit and stuff.

[He hands it to Skarr; followed by an awkward pause]

Old Crazy Man:
Okay, well, bye.

[the old man leaves and shouts offscreen]

Old Crazy Man:
CURSED!

Billy's Dad:
Billy, I've never told you this and I probably never will again... but I love you, son.

[Billy has learned of Skarr's past]

Billy:
That story was so beautiful, it gave me gas.

[he passes gas]

Billy:
But don't you ever miss your old job?

Gen. Skarr:
[fondly] Miss commanding regimented forces of destructive power? As we encircle the globe with our terrible iron fists of might?

[he gradually raises his voice and sounds and looks more maniacal]

Gen. Skarr:
Crushing down all the pathetic fools who dared stand before us? Gorging our bellies on their cries for mercy, until at last I ALONE STAND AS THE GLORIOUS DARK LORD OF ALL THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!

[he gasps for breath before suddenly calming down]

Gen. Skarr:
Not at all. Don't miss it.

Eris:
You're watching the paint *dry*?

Billy:
Shhhh... this is the best part!

Grim:
[about taking Billy's hamster to the underworld] Look, I'm just doing my job... but I'm afraid it's curtains for Mr. Snuggles...

Billy:
You got a curtain?

Billy:
[meeting the Grim Reaper] It's Santa! Santa Claus!

Mandy:
That's not Santa Claus, you stooge! That's the Grim Reaper...

Billy:
[pause] Do I still get presents?

Grim:
Um... No... Actually, I'm here for the hamster...

Billy:
Ooooh! You brought presents for Mr. Snuggles?

Grim:
No... I'm taking him away.

Billy:
To the North Pole?

Mandy:
Whatever you do, don't look behind you.

Mandy:
[in the intro] Whatever you do, don't look behind you.

Billy:
Look! It's Santa! Santa Claus!

Mandy:
That's not Santa, you stooge. That's the Grim Reaper.

Billy:
...Do I still get presents?

Grim:
Um... no... actually, I'm here for the hamster.

Billy:
Oh boy, oh boy! You brought presents for Mr. Snuggles?

Grim:
No... I'm taking him away.

Billy:
To the North Pole?

Grim:
No. I'm... '' [Mr. Snuggles bites Grim] '' Ah! Oof! Oof! Look, I'm just doing me job, but I'm afraid its curtains for Mr. Snuggles.

Billy:
...You got him curtains?

Mandy:
You'll have to forgive Billy - he's an idiot.

Billy's Dad:
Gladys! Now, slowly. What the heck are YOU trying to say?

Billy's Mom:
B-B-B-Billy! [wails]

Billy's Dad:
Yes...

Billy's Mom:
Our son!

Billy's Dad:
Yes!

Billy's Mom:
Our son has turned into a big spooky skeleton! [sobs]

Billy:
Mnady, You gotta help me, every time I take a bite of this delicious bread it's becomes smaller!

Billy:
I've lost it!

Mandy:
That's right, Billy, you totally have.

Billy:
...But I'm looking for my Captain Fathead...

Mandy:
Your dad's in the garage.

Mandy:
You lost your pants?

Billy:
Well, just the back.

[turns around]

Mandy:
[Mandy's eyes widen] I've just lost my ability to see. I can still feel your butt looking at me.

Billy:
This pillow stuffing tastes like I'm choking!

[Grim jumped into the body of a cat]

Grim:
[sings] Look at me, I'm a kitty cat/I wear a bowl of peanuts for a hat/If I eat them all I will get fat/But look at me! I'm a kitty CAAAAAAAAAT!

Billy's Dad:
Son, it's awfully hard to read the paper through your butt.

[Grim takes over the body of Milkshakes, who is Billy's cat]

Grim:
[in Milkshakes; singing] Look at me, I'm a kitty cat / I wear a bowl of peanuts for a hat / If I eat them all, I will get fat / Blah, blah, blah, I'm a kitty caaaaat!

Mandy:
You know, Billy, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Mandy:
[in show intro] It's you and me against the world.

[dons an army helmet]

Mandy:
We attack at dawn.

Mandy:
He's got a stick... He's gonna fight zombie butt with a stick.

Mandy:
It's Hoss Delgado!

Grim:
It's Hoss Delgado.

Billy:
It's Pat the Baker!

Billy:
You know what Pinocchiochiochiochiochio, you are funny.

Pinocchio:
Funny? Why, there's nothing funny about being made of wood.

Billy:
What's that you say?

Pinocchio:
I sure wish I was a real boy, like you!

Billy:
[nervous] Uh... yeah.

[awkward pause]

Billy:
Well, I gotta go!

[Billy tries to leave, but Pinocchio cuts him off]

Pinocchio:
Yeah, and the only way for me to become a real boy is to devour the flesh of a real boy. Can I please eat your flesh?

[Billy screams and runs off in terror]

Billy:
[about the eye doctor] He's going to steal my soul!

Grim:
Well, if he doesn't, I get second dibs.

Eris:
Do you like lobster, Mr. Goodpoop?

Principal Goodvibes:
It's Good*vibes*, and yes, I love lobster.

Eris:
How about giant alien zombie lobster?

Principal Goodvibes:
Well, I can't really say I...

[gasps]

Principal Goodvibes:
[giant lobster picks up a screaming Principal Goodvibes]

Mandy:
Billy, you know that Rollington Academy is for...

Billy:
Geniuses! Which I is one of them!

[Billy and Grim walk to Mandy's house]

Grim:
I hate you, I hate playing with you, and I especially hate your little girlfriend!

Billy:
Cheer up, Gri... hey! Mandy's not my girlfriend! She's just my FRIEND, who HAPPENS to be a girl, just like I HAPPEN to be a boy, and you HAPPEN to be a skeleton! It's the differences that make our planet so rich! So diverse! And wonderful!

[Rainbows in background]

Grim:
I still hate you, though.

Billy:
You think that was too mean?

Mandy:
He said he didn't want to. You know what that means!

Billy:
You're right.

Mandy:
Your nose looks like some sort of cuttlefish.

Billy:
Chicks dig cuttlefish.

Mandy:
And your mouth looks like a big, disgusting sucker.

Billy:
Chicks dig...

Grim:
Don't go there!

Mandy:
[after the theme song] Smile, tomorrow will be worse.

Nergal:
You've come back to save the children?

Mandy:
Yeah, what's up with that?

Grim:
Umm... well... I'm just taking them with me so I can eat them later.

Nergal Junior:
Boy, it sure is cold here. Isn't there some place warmer just day?

Sperg:
Sure there is! Why don't you take a walk over to that cozy little cabin across the way! You'll get a really warm welcome over there! [laughs as the other kids laugh]

Sperg, Nergal Junior:
Really? It's nice and warm?

Sperg:
Go on, tootin'!

Nergal Junior:
Oh boy!

John Jack Daniel Torrence:
What?

Nergal Junior:
I'm cold.

John Jack Daniel Torrence:
Well, of course you're cold! You're standing out there in the snow, ya four-eyed freak!

Nergal Junior:
I said, I'm cold.

John Jack Daniel Torrence:
Hey! There's no! Hey! Hey! No! Nooooo!

Sir Raven:
Alas, poor Billy had to walk the superfluous streets of suburbia. A doomed husk of a child. Do not cry for him... DO NOT CRYYYY!

Sir Raven:
And thus our story ends. If you've been paying attention it's because you're a nerd with nothing better to do. And what of Billy you ask? Well, he got himself a new unicycle...

Billy:
I'll call you... UNI!

Sir Raven:
And what of everybody else? Who cares? They bore the snot out of me. THEEEE ENNND!

Mandy:
'' [after the theme song, now upside down] '' It's cruel and unusual.

Mandy:
It's like stupid in stereo.

Announcer:
We now return to "Captain Space Heifer".

Ninjas:
You win this round, Heifer!

Captain Space Heifer:
Yes... I do. But I couldn't have done it without my... Heifer Farms Brand fruit-at-the-bottom all-natural-style yogurt!

Ninjas:
It's partially hydrogenated!

Captain Space Heifer:
QUIET YOU!

[Captain melts the ninjas with his laser eyes]

Captain Space Heifer:
It's partially hydrogenated. Buy some today. If you don't, I'll melt you, too.

[He laughs; slight pause]

Captain Space Heifer:
...I will.

Mandy:
I'm gonna open up my own personal can of Powerpuff on you two.

Billy:
[upon discovering a microscopic Evil Empire] It's minitesamil evil!

[a viking had just sliced off Billy's dad's pompadour off his head]

Billy's Dad:
Hey! My brain was in there!

Brain:
Put me in the freezer!

Billy's Dad:
[to the viking, whom Billy's dad thinks is Billy] Young man, you can be rude, run up phone bills, shave the cat, and even harass your mother! But when you touch the pomp, it's GO TIME!

[the viking is trying to attack Billy's mom, who is trying to defend herself with a chair]

Billy's Mom:
See, Harold? I told you it was not a good idea for Billy to have donuts three times a day!

Irwin's Dad:
Yes, Irwin's mom is actually a mummy. Nobody can tell you who to fall in love with. But we've managed to make it work all these years leaving a whole lot of questions that don't need to be answered.

Billy:
Yeah, but how did you and Irwin's mom...?

Irwin's Dad:
Leaving a whole lot of questions that don't need to be answered.

Grim:
Milkshakes, where are you going?

milkshakes:
[being controlled by the dinobanoids] To destroy all that is good. I mean, meow.

Billy:
Irwin! I saw something horrible in the bathroom, ooh, then I saw a mummy!

Master Control:
[monitor activates] I am Master Control, computer of the future.

Billy:
Aaahh!

[jumps on Grim's arms]

Grim:
That'd better be sweat dripping down your leg, boy.

Master Control:
I am programmed to run all of the machines at this attraction. My intelligence is beyond measure, I know everything there is to know, and I'm not too shabby at checkers.

Grim:
Wait, how can you know *everything*?

Master Control:
I just do, so there.

Grim:
If you know everything, then what's the meaning of life?

Master Control:
Life has no meaning, only machine intelligence is truly important on a cosmic scale.

Grim:
Hmm, I didn't think he'd get that one right.

Billy:
Oh, yeah? Then what's my favorite color?

Master Control:
Blue.

Billy:
What's the best kind of bean?

Master Control:
Pinto.

Billy:
Why is the sky blue?

Master Control:
Because of the refraction of sunlight through the water droplets in the sky.

Billy:
Why do I ask so many questions?

Master Control:
Because you're stupid!

Billy:
What's the color of my underwear?

Master Control:
White...

[raises an eyebrow]

Master Control:
...with pink frilly lace.

Billy:
[checks in his pants] Wow. It really does know everything.

Master Control:
This is why humanity must be eradicated; you defend too much unhappiness. And, for that, you will all *SUFFER*!

Mandy:
[trying to be nice] Billy, we've known each other now for what seems like a nightmarish eternity. And though I insult you and lie to you daily, steal your stuff, make fun of you, your family, and anyone who looks like you, I still don't feel like I...

[she lets out a frustrated grunt]

Mandy:
...know you. Why don't you tell me more about yourself?

Billy:
If I told you, you wouldn't understand. I'm a very complex and multi-layered person.

[he blows tiny gum bubbles at Mandy and then speaks very rapidly]

Billy:
But if you really want to know more about me, it's all here in my new autobiography. Hot off the presses! Complete and unabridged.

Mandy:
'' [after the theme song] '' Give me a cheeseburger with no onions, a small order of fries and a soda.

Grim:
[to Snake Club nerds] You disgust me. You're all old enough to wear some deodorant. I've been trying not to vomit in my own mouth all day.

Mandy:
[as Mandy and the replacement Billy exit a movie theater where the title "Butt Pirates" is listed as the currently showing film] "That's the last time I let you pick what movie we go to. There wasn't a pirate in the whole film."

Mandy:
[on intro] If you change the channel, we'll talk about you behind your back.

[Sperg throws an eraser at Nergal, Jr., hitting him in the head]

Nergal Jr.:
Can he...

[he coughs]

Nergal Jr.:
Can he do that, Ms. Butterbean?

[Sperg tosses an apple at Ms. Butterbean, who puts it in a drawer full of apples]

Ms. Butterbean:
Why... yes, yes, he can. He's bigger than you.

Sperg:
[about to get a wedgie] But... Ms. Butterbean, you can't do that! You're a teacher!

Nergal Jr.:
[in Ms. Butterbean's body] I can do whatever I please! I'm BIGGER THAN YOU!

Mrs. Doolin:
I've beaten ol' Grim in just about everything!

Mandy:
Mrs. Doolin beat Grim! She beat Death!

Grim:
I know everything there is to know about *that* house.

Mandy:
Billy. Oh, Billy.

Billy:
Mandy, is that you? [sees Mandy] Oh, Mandy, it's, uh, nice to see you again.

Mandy:
Is that so, Billy? Is that so? [coming out of the shadows, revealing to be a 'ghost']

Billy:
[gasps] No! I mean you're all white like a...

Mandy:
Ghost?

Billy:
Uhhh, yeah!

Mandy:
And it's all because you wouldn't let me play your game, because I was a girl.

Billy:
No! No! I uh...

Mandy:
[shakes the dice] Well, now that I'm a ghost, it's my turn to play [rolls the dice] Who Killed Who!

Billy:
[reads the words "BEHIND YOU"] Behind you? Behind me? [looks at the wall that says "BILLY IN THE HALLWAY WITH THE DICE BY... ] Billy in the hallway with the dice by... By...

Mandy:
By?

Mrs. Doolin:
Meeeeee!

Billy:
[screams offscreen] You can play! Girls are allowed!

Mandy:
Billy. Oh, Billy.

Billy:
Mandy, is that you? [sees Mandy] Oh, Mandy, it's, uh, nice to see you again.

Mandy:
Is that so, Billy? Is that so? [coming out of the shadows, revealing to be a 'ghost']

Billy:
[gasps] No! I mean you're all white like a...

Mandy:
Ghost?

Billy:
Uhhh, yeah!

Mandy:
And it's all because you wouldn't let me play your game, because I was a girl.

Billy:
No! No! I uh...

Mandy:
[shakes the dice] Well, now that I'm a ghost, it's my turn to play [rolls the dice] Who Killed Who!

Billy:
[reads the words "BEHIND YOU"] Behind you? Behind me? [looks at the wall that says "BILLY IN THE HALLWAY WITH THE DICE BY... ] Billy in the hallway with the dice by... By...

Mandy:
By...

Mrs. Doolin:
Meeeeee!

Billy:
[screams offscreen] I'm sorry, Mandy! You can play! You can play! Girls are allowed!

Nasalmancer:
[after the noses collided]

[gasp]

Nasalmancer:
You blew my nose... up!

Billy:
You blew my nose... up!

Billy:
[as the nasalmancer digs through Billy's nose] Hey, now, get yo fo' shizzle out of my nizzle, Dawg!

[Mandy watches Billy staring at a washing machine in action]

Mandy:
Billy, do you want to be a TV star?

Billy:
I wish!

[Mandy tosses Billy into the washing machine]

Mandy:
Wish granted.

[Billy and Irwin are in Billy's wish world, spoofing Johnny Quest. Billy is dressed as Johnny and Irwin is dressed as Hadji]

Billy:
[to Irwin] Why you talkin' funny?

Irwin:
[Indian accent] Because I am from Calcutta, in the mystical east.

Billy:
No, you're not, you live down the street, and what's with that weird thingy on your head?

Irwin:
[normal voice; shouting] It's a turban! It's what I wear! I'm in character, yo! So why don't you just get off of me!

Nergal Jr.:
I could wish I was a super hero. I could do anything. But... wait! Then I'd have to save the world all the time. And do dangerous things like fight giant monsters, I'm tired just thinking about it. What if I wished I was rich and famous? I'd get all the ladies. But then I'd be harassed by the paparazzi all the time. I could wish I was the smartest kid in the world. I'd even get awards for just for being smart. And I'd just get smarter and smarter and smarter and... AAAAHHHH! I wish I knew what to wish for.

[Billy has summoned an annoyed Grim to school]

Grim:
Honestly, Billy, you bring me to school with you every day. I bet I know more about the metric system than you!

Billy:
Oh, yeah? Then what's the *capital* of the metric system?