Holliston

Joe:
Putting on a concert for your dolls again?

Adam:
They're not dolls they're action figures, can't you knock? What if I had a girl in here. [Off of Joe's look] It could happen.

Corri:
Laura, you locked me out of the house. I was standing outside for like an hour before I came over here.

Laura:
Yeah.

Laura:
His name is Blobby.

Adam:
Blobby?

Laura:
I'm keeping him.

Joe:
It bit me!

Laura:
Blobby, why would you do that? [to Joe] He said you started it.

Joe:
No I didn't!

Laura:
He said you poked him in the face.

Joe:
God, you always take his side!

Adam:
Wait, why are you British?

Axl the cat:
Why are you a bloody c*nt?

Adam:
Jesus, Corri. Your b*obs are huge when you're a cartoon character.

Corri:
Thank you.

Axl the cat:
Slave Person! I require food! And then my litter needs to be changed. Something smells... amiss.

Axl the cat:
Humans cannot stop me! I am a cat! I am fearless! [Knock at the door] Strange person entering our home! Quick, hide!

Joe:
For the record, I always said the creepy Asian guy down the hall was a serial killer, did I not?

Oderus Urungus:
Adam, there is great power in not taking responsibility for yourself. Blame your parents. Blame heavy metal music. Blame violent video games. But don't EVER take responsibility for your own actions.

Lance Rockett:
Listen, Adam. We're probably not gonna live through this and, well, I'm just gonna be blunt. I don't want you to die a virgin.

Adam:
I'm not a virgin.

Lance Rockett:
Sure you're not, Adam. Sure you're not.

Adam:
Are you propositioning me?

Lance Rockett:
I don't know. Am I?

Adam:
No thanks, Lance. I'll take my chances outside.

Lance Rockett:
Listen, Joe. We're probably not gonna live through this and, well, I'm just gonna be blunt...

Joe:
-You're asking me second?

Lance Rockett:
Any port in a storm, Dude.

Joe:
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm offended.

Axl the cat:
I'll have you know my name isn't Axl. It is Nigel Carruthers.

Adam:
No it isn't.

Axl the cat:
But can it be?

Axl the cat:
Stop right there! I demand treats. And not just licking the empty can of tuna. I want Pounce! The moist kind with real crab! Do it now! Or I will urinate in your closet for a seventh time.

Adam:
Dude! You ate my cat?

Oderus Urungus:
No one else was going to eat Nigel Carruthers. British food all tastes like cardboard.

Axl the cat:
I'll just take a nap. Wait! [Checks watch] I was supposed to be in the bedroom five minutes ago! [Dashes off to the bedroom]

Joe:
Ever read the pilot episode that you wrote for this show, Adam? About as original a storyline as AVATAR. No offense.

Adam:
None taken. I liked DANCES WITH AVATAR.

Laura:
Leave him alone! You're killing him! He came to me! He came to me! This is worse than the time E.T. left me!

Laura:
Hey, do you guys remember Corri?

Axl the cat:
Humans cannot stop me! I am a cat! I am fearless!

[Knock at the door]

Axl the cat:
Strange person entering our home! Quick, hide!

Axl the cat:
I'll just take a nap. Wait!

[Checks watch]

Axl the cat:
I was supposed to be in the bedroom five minutes ago!

[Dashes off to the bedroom]

Laura:
I have created life.

Axl the cat:
Now, scratches! Yes, yes, don't forget the frumunda.

Adam:
What's the frumunda?

Axl the cat:
Frumunda my balls.

[a blob is running amok in town]

Oderus Urungus:
Dude! Have you seen what's going on outside?

Adam:
What if I told you I knew who was... sort of responsible for it?

Oderus Urungus:
Call the police or the military and report that a**hole!

Adam:
What if that someone was... my friends and I?

Oderus Urungus:
Pretend you never saw it. And if they catch you, blame the others! Settle for a plea bargain. By the time they get out of jail, they'll have found God and learned how to forgive you.

Joe:
Dude, this is it! You know how they say every bad thing that turns into a natural disaster happens for a reason?

Adam:
They say that?

Adam:
Corri, sometimes the best way to make up for your mistakes is to just pretend it didn't happen and let someone else deal with fixing it while you capitalize on it for your blossoming film career.

Corri:
I'm dirty. Wash me.

Adam:
OK.

Joe:
Shh. Go back to bed.

Crazy Max:
I'm Crazy Max and if you can't find it here, you're retahded!

Adam:
Boss, don't you think you're getting a bit... old... to make it in a band?

Lance Rockett:
It could still happen.

Joe:
It's a cover band.

Lance Rockett:
So.

Adam:
You're fifty-four.

Lance Rockett:
Rock is ageless- David Lee Roth 1983.

Adam:
David Lee Roth got kicked out of the band and replaced by Sammy...

Lance Rockett:
-HEY! We don't speak his name.

Adam:
My bad.

Lance Rockett:
Alright, I gotta get going to band practice. I gotta shave my abs for the ladies in the front row. [Sniffs Joe's neck] New cologne, Joe? Smells delicious.

Lance Rockett:
That's what we do here. We rock the spots and slay the chicks! Adam... nice jeans.

Lance Rockett:
If you miss out on the greatest Van Halen tribute band of all time, you miss out on your life! Plus, check out these awesome platforms I scored on ebay. They're the ones that Gene Simmons was gonna wear on The Elder tour.

Joe:
We're renting a camera, not scoring Oxy like last time.

Joe:
Mighty Putty, B*tch.

Laura:
I'm hungry.

Joe:
[Spits out his gum into his hand] Here.

Laura:
Gum?

Joe:
Bubbalicious.

Laura:
You spoil me. [Puts the gum in her own mouth]

Corri:
What's with the Hamburgler outfit?

Adam:
I don't want to get caught renting a stolen camera with Mayor McCheese... Mayor McSteels-a-lot... Mayor Mc... whatever, there's a joke in there somewhere.

Laura:
Stolen camera?

Joe:
It's not stolen, it's borrowed, and it's fine.

Adam:
Mayor McDouche.

Joe:
Too late.

Joe:
Babe, don't worry I have it all figured out. It will be totally fine and it's not gonna hurt anyone.

Laura:
You always say it's not gonna hurt and then I can't poop right for days. [Off of Adam and Corri's stunned faces] What? One time we ate a bunch of laxatives to try and loose weight.

Corri:
I can't live in a haunted apartment.

Laura:
It's cheap. Sure you can.

Corri:
Laura...

Laura:
It'll be fun! Like Paranormal Activity.

Corri:
I really think that we need to discuss this.

Laura:
Aww. Our first roommate fight and you lost. But I still love you, Corri. I still love you.

Corri:
Is there, like, an Indian burial ground under the building?

Landlord:
Not an Indian one.

Landlord:
Just because someone dies in an apartment doesn't make it haunted.

Corri:
Someone died in here?

Landlord:
What?

Corri:
You just said someone died in here.

Landlord:
Sort of.

Corri:
Sort of?

Landlord:
It was natural causes.

Laura:
So like someone died in their sleep?

Landlord:
Basically, yes. They were sleeping and then they slipped and fell into a noose. [Motions to a noose randomly hanging in the center of the apartment]

Laura:
I get the non-haunted bedroom!

Adam:
[to Joe] He's got a mustache, we should run.

Trent:
What did you say?

Adam:
I said, what exactly are you shooting?

Trent:
Nah, sounded like you said something like... he's got a mustache we should run.

Adam:
No I didn't.

Trent:
Yeah you did. Dude. I'm standing four feet away from you.

Adam:
No you aren't.

Trent:
Dude. Did you just get fired from McDonalds or something? Where's your buddy Grimace?

Adam:
Where's your... mogwais... David Lo Pan... creepy... Asian guy with mustache?

Adam:
We just lost the camera. We can't afford a new HD camera. We're gonna get fired. And then we're gonna get evicted. We're never gonna get our movie made and you're gonna get syphilis.

Joe:
Would you stop. We're gonna be fine- why do I get syphilis?

Adam:
Because, dude. Because.

Laura:
Wait! Did you maybe get a secondary contact number to call the guy with? [Off of Adam and Joe's looks] That was a pointless contribution to finding a solution. If you had another number you would have called it already. Stupid. [Then, after a moment] But did you?

Laura:
Why are you sleeping on the couch?

Corri:
I can't sleep in that room. I kept hearing whispers.

Laura:
[Excitedly] What were they saying?

Corri:
I don't know. I couldn't understand them.

Laura:
Well if you can't understand them then they don't count.

Corri:
Laura, why don't you take that room?

Laura:
No. That room is scary. You take that room.

Corri:
Yeah, but you, you like death and stuff. It can inspiration for your art. [Reveal two paintings of dead babies]

Laura:
That was mean.

Adam:
Maybe I should just tell the truth.

Oderus Urungus:
Tell the truth? Absolutely not! If it's one life lesson I can teach you, it's never tell the truth. Did Oliver North ever tell the truth? Did Bill Clinton ever tell the truth? Did Abraham Lincoln ever tell the truth?

Adam:
Wait, you mean honest Abe? The guy that couldn't tell a lie?

Oderus Urungus:
Yes, and got shot right in the head.

Adam:
Good point.

Oderus Urungus:
You can always make a new best friend. It's like I always say, you can make a new best friend because at any moment your old best friend could be killed and burned horribly in a wretched car fire. And then you would have to make a new best friend and also make sure that the new best friend didn't make the same mistake that the old best friend made and wreck his car while he was driving it while high on cough medicine that was filled with codeine. Brruugh!

Adam:
Hey, you know what? Thanks, Oderus.

Oderus Urungus:
That's why I'm here. Hey, uh, could you bring me back some Skittles?

Adam:
Skittles. You got it.

Laura:
The apartment was haunted. We heard voices and they were gonna kill Corri and molest me.

Corri:
It was so scary, we- wait. Why were they gonna kill me but molest you?

Laura:
Oh, please.

Adam:
That's how we get out of losing the camera!

Corri:
What camera?

Adam:
[Pushing her aside] We're back to the A story line. OK, so we borrowed the camera... to shoot Lance's cover band's show.

Laura:
Lance is still in a cover band? Isn't he like 50?

Joe:
Long story. Go on.

Adam:
OK. So on our way to the show... uh... we got robbed by... uh... [Points at Laura]... by a big Mexican!

Joe:
Dude!

Laura:
No, it's OK. I'm Colombian. Go on.

Adam:
OK. There was a struggle, we got roughed up, guy ran away with the camera.

Joe:
Wait, what's that!

Laura:
Give me the camera Gringos or Britney Spear here gets it!

Joe:
No way! This camera belongs to Mass Cablevision!

Adam:
Yeah! You'll have to kill us first!

Laura:
Gimme the camera or I'll kill Blondie!

Adam:
Fine, kill her!

Laura:
Hmm.

Corri:
What?

Laura:
I'll do it!

Adam:
[Throws Corri away into some trash barrels] You'll never take this camera from us, scary ethnic man. Now... [Puts his fists up]... let's dance.

Laura:
[Terribly choreographed and repetitive swing] Hught- huh! Hught - huh!

Adam:
[Terribly choreographed and repetitive duck and swing] Eey-hught! Huh! Eey-hught! Huh!

Lance Rockett:
You guys are awesome! Tell you what... back stage passes, both of you! You can meet Fake Eddy and Fake Alex!

Adam:
What about Fake Michael Anthony?

Lance Rockett:
We got the real Michael Anthony if you want to meet him.

Adam:
No, that's OK.

Corri:
That's the scene, right? I mean, did you have another line or...

Corri:
Wow. The way you guys always talk about Lance, he sounds amazing. I would so love to make out with him.

Lance Rockett:
Is that an American Apparel shirt you're wearing there, Adam? Fantastic fit.

Joe:
Dropping loads!

Laura:
We're smart at things.

Joe:
Thank you so much for taking the time out to be on our show, Mr. Todd.

Tony Todd:
Please. Call me "Candyman".

Tony Todd:
Where are we gonna drink?

Adam:
You wanna go out drinking... with us?

Tony Todd:
Well, not if you don't know how to show a movie star a good time. I wanna tear some sh*t up! I wanna make discoveries, you know like, Mick Jagger style. I wanna throw a TV out of a hotel room window. I wanna paint this town red! Boys, tonight I'm gonna show you how we do it Hollywood style.

Adam:
Our night out is gonna be a remake?

Tony Todd:
No, but it's gonna be in three-triple-D! Let's go!

Adam:
Before you went to bed last night, did you look in the mirror and say "Candyman" five times?

Joe:
No. [Then] Yes.

Laura:
[Noticing Tony Todd sleeping on the couch] Ahhhh! Run before he kills someone!

Joe:
Shhh! It's OK, it's OK! "Candyman" is just a character he plays in movies!

Laura:
What's "Candyman"?

Kevin:
Any luck finding an apartment yet?

Corri:
We might have actually found one but the asking price is a little high. Hopefully we find one soon though because living with my parents is... [Realizing Kevin is too distracted by his phone to possibly be listening to her]... getting out of hand. You know, with all of the drugs. And the sex swings. And the dog fighting in the basement. Which is where I think you got me pregnant. We're gonna have a baby. Surprise! You're a father! Wooo! Kevin? Kevin?

Corri:
Kevin! I'm pregnant!

Kevin:
No you're not.

Corri:
Well, what if I was?

Kevin:
But you're not so who cares?

Corri:
You know what? We're done.

Kevin:
But I haven't finished my pancakes.

Kevin:
Stop being emotional. Your period will be over in a few days.

Corri:
I am breaking up with you! [Slaps his hand away]

Kevin:
Ow! Corri, every nurse wants to marry a doctor. Wasn't that the whole point in going to "nursing school'?

Corri:
Actually it was to learn anatomy so that I'd know an a**hole when I saw one. Apparently I failed.

Laura:
Woah, you got served!

Kevin:
Oooh!

Laura:
No, actually... How about THEM apples?

Kevin:
Ahhh!

Laura:
No, actually... You got served!

Kevin:
Oooohhh!

Laura:
[Aside to Corri] Why don't we like Kevin any more?

Corri:
Kevin who?

Laura:
Oh, man, his name wasn't "Kevin"? Who's the idiot? [Raises her hand] Right here.

Tony Todd:
Weird. I just finished a movie about an undead soccer team and it was called "Shinpads." No wait, that was "Final Destination 5", my bad.

Tony Todd:
[Yelling at the television] What are you blind? God, this ref is crazy? He was in bounds! Candyman gonna kill somebody!

Adam:
Football. Sports.

Tony Todd:
Man stuff.

Adam:
[Mimicking Tony's deep voice] Man stuff. [Off of Tony's look, he sits on the floor]

Tony Todd:
No High Definition?

Adam:
We can't afford a High Def TV.

Tony Todd:
I'll buy you one.

Adam:
You'll buy us a TV?

Tony Todd:
Yeah, I'll buy you one and take it with me when I go.

Tony Todd:
Imagine that. My beer is empty.

Adam:
I think there's one more in the fridge, I can go get it for you.

Tony Todd:
Hey, Homeslice. You got any Crystal Meth?

Adam:
[Adam checks his pockets. Shakes his head "no."]

Tony Todd:
Oxycontin?

Adam:
[Adam checks his pockets. Shakes his head "no."]

Tony Todd:
Ritilin?

Adam:
[Adam checks his pockets. Shakes his head "no."]

Tony Todd:
Multivitamin?

Adam:
[Adam checks his pockets. Shakes his head "no."]

Corri:
Maybe I'm just meant to be single. Whatever. Love is overrated.

Laura:
Yeah. It really sucks to have someone to share your life with. To be there for you no matter what. To hold you when you sleep at night. To build a future and to grow old with. And...

Corri:
I get it.

Laura:
I was just trying to help.

Corri:
Try less.

Laura:
There's always your childhood sweetheart and the one we all know you're going to end up with in the end anyway.

Corri:
Who?

Laura:
Um. He's short. But not really that short. He's funny. Not really that funny, I guess. He sort of makes horror movies. But not real ones. He lives with Joe. You dated him for years. His name is Adam.

Corri:
Adam?

Laura:
Oh, that's a good idea. What about Adam?

Corri:
Let's not go there right now, Laura.

Laura:
I tried.

Adam:
I think I have a contact high. Do I have a contact high? It kinda feels... it kinda feels... it kinda feels like there's a beautiful woman rubbing my temples with two muppets. Is that possible? Am I fat?

Joe:
You could stand to loose a few pounds. We need to get these people out of our apartment?

Adam:
Sports are fun.

Tony Todd:
[Rapping] Stab you with my hook! Love you with my bees! Candyman the playa bring the b*tches to their knees! I'm a gangsta full of fright! Scare you half to death at night! A guest starred on Chuck 'cause my skills are out of sight!

Adam:
I'm sure after his shower, he'll be on his way.

Joe:
He's not going anywhere. It's like he's moved in.

Adam:
He didn't move in. Although he did put his name on the buzzer outside.

Adam:
What's with all the bags?

Corri:
Oh, these? Just my depression and anger in the form of new clothes I absolutely couldn't afford to put on my credit card. I broke up with Kevin.

Adam:
[Adam does a victory dance behind Corri] I'm sorry to hear that. You know, relationships... are hard. And break-ups are even harder. But if you need anything to help you through this difficult time, like, I don't know... a friend to take you to dinner? A shoulder to cry on? You can sleep with me to get back at him. I would do that for you.

Tony Todd:
[Rapping] Started with Platoon, my career went to the moon! Haven't won an Oscar but it's still too soon! Everywhere I go, people want to know, how come Candyman don't have his own talk show!

Tony Todd:
And you are...?

Corri:
Single!

Adam:
That's Corri. She has crabs.

Adam:
Candyman's gotta die.

Adam:
[Staring into a mirror] Namydnac. Namydnac. Namydnac. Namydnac. Namydnac.

Joe:
Saying "Candyman" backwards five times into a mirror is not gonna make him go away.

Tony Todd:
I'm a seasoned actor. I'm an experienced thespian.

Adam:
You're gay?

Tony Todd:
Thespian!

Adam:
You're gay?

Tony Todd:
Actor!

Adam:
Oh.

Tony Todd:
It would be real nice if I could borrow your bed.

Adam:
Why do you need to borrow my bed?

Tony Todd:
Because that chick out there? She's ready to flip! And I don't want to break your couch or nothing, cause when I go...? I go HARD! I mean REAL HARD HARD!

Adam:
Come on! You're a rich and famous actor, can't you get a hotel room?

Tony Todd:
I'll buy you a hotel room. I don't like hotel rooms. They make me lonely. Plus, I'm allergic to certain fabric softeners.

Adam:
You really need to just...

Tony Todd:
Thanks, man! You owe me!

Oderus Urungus:
Man! These little red birds are useless against these green pigs!

Adam:
Oderus, what do you do when you have a house guest that's overstaying his welcome and won't leave?

Oderus Urungus:
That's easy. How about, you get on the internet and find a bunch of pictures of naked underage chicks? Then you put them together in photoshop and you get him arrested!

Adam:
Right, but then I would have to go and find illegal pictures of naked underage girls! I'm not gonna do that!

Oderus Urungus:
Like you use the computer for anything else around here!

Oderus Urungus:
That reminds me of a little saying we have on my home planet of Scumdogia. "When life gives you lemons, you make lemon lemon and stuff. And then you get plums, or maybe it's back to the lemons, anyway you take fruit and you shove it up your ass!" What you don't seem to understand is this guy is a celebrity! He is a genetically superior life form! You are an insignificant plop of maggot puke! Therefore I advise you to continue to let him have sex with your girlfriend, hang around at your apartment, and basically steamroll over every aspect of your life. He is famous! You are not! You suck!

Adam:
Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right.

Oderus Urungus:
Who'd you say this guy was anyway?

Adam:
Candyman.

Oderus Urungus:
Candyman is in the house? Ahhhhhh! [Crashes through the bedroom wall back into his closet] Seriously! Get the f*** [BLEEPED] out of the house!

Crazy Max:
Howdy, folks! At Crazy Max's Discount Mart I'm always trying to wrangle the best deals for my customers!

Joe:
She's your ex-girlfriend. It's none of your business what she does with her... what are the kids calling vaginas these days?

Adam:
Vaginas.

Joe:
Gross!

Lance Rockett:
I need that Crazy Max spot out to the client by 5 o'clock. Copulate?

Joe:
Um, don't you mean... compute?

Lance Rockett:
No.

Adam:
Comprende?

Lance Rockett:
No.

Joe:
Capisch?

Lance Rockett:
That's it!

Adam:
I'm kind of having... girl problems.

Lance Rockett:
Well lay it on me! Uncle Rockett can set you straight!

Adam:
I'm pretty confident that's not true.

Adam:
Argh! I've had it! I'm not gonna take it anymore! [to Lance Rockett] We're not gonna take it, anymore!

Lance Rockett:
This joke is awkward for me. In a number of ways.

Adam:
You know what, Joe? When life tosses your salad, shove lemons or plums up it's ass!

Joe:
I have no idea what that means but now you're talking.

Adam:
Let's kill Candyman.

Adam:
I'm gonna go get some strawberries. At Market Basket.

Tony Todd:
[Rapping] When I was on 24 I was a general with power! Tortured people senseless like my man Jack Bauer! Homicide, Suicide, Final Destination! I did the Beastmaster sequel while I was on vacation!

Laura:
Don't panic, I've got this! You! Get me three large trash bags and one bottle of bleach! You! Grab his feet! Grab his feet!

Adam:
Get out of our apartment.

Tony Todd:
What did you say?

Adam:
You heard me. You can sit here and push us around and overstay your welcome, but you're not gonna talk about Corri like that to me.

Tony Todd:
You better watch what you're saying, Little Man.

Adam:
I don't care if she's my girlfriend or not. She's my friend. And she's probably the coolest chick that ever lived. You "wasted four dollars buying her ice cream"? That girl is worth all of the ice cream in the world. So take your celebrity bullshit and your Candyman hook, which is totally awesome, and beat it!

Corri:
[to Adam] If our friendship wasn't already so complicated, that ice cream line so would have gotten you laid tonight.

Sarah the Waitress:
How did you meet her?

Adam:
I actually haven't met her yet. But we've been talking a lot online cause we met on H-Date. Hebrew Dating? It's totally normal. A lot of people are doing that these days. I'm not desperate.

Sarah the Waitress:
OK.

Adam:
What was that? Was that like "OK" you believe me or "OK" you think I'm weird and you're standing there judging me with your name tag and your coffee pot...

Sarah the Waitress:
OK.

Adam:
Mean waitress shouldn't have any lines anyway.

Adam:
Sorry my hands are wet, it's just sweat.

Rachael:
So this is weird.

Adam:
Right? I mean normally I don't date- I mean, I date. I don't do the online dating date thing normally. That's not really for me. I always thought it was reserved for serial killers and rapists- which I am not a rapist cause I would never rape anyone cause I'm not a rapist.

Rachael:
[Regarding the Black Man and White Woman holding hands] A hundred years from now our world is gonna be half ghetto.

Rachael:
[Regarding an Asian Woman entering the restaurant] Oh, great. So I guess I should run out to the parking lot and make sure my car didn't just get all banged up.

Laura:
See, Joe? And you always said that he'd never find anyone and that he would die alone.

Joe:
I never said that.

Laura:
Yes you did. You always said that. Everyday. You said "see, he's probably never gonna find anyone and he's gonna die alone."

Joe:
Crawl back to bed!

Corri:
Mrs. Helder? Mrs. Helder? [Realizing Mrs. Helder has died] Oh, come on! Selfish b*tch.

Corri:
Did they not have basic math in Colombia?

Laura:
I'll have you know I aced math in Colombia, thank you very much. A kilo of cocaine goes for roughly twenty thousand dollars in a small suburban town like Holliston which when divided up into equal distribution and sold in two major cities at a fifty-five percent mark-up can turn a combined total of thirty-one thousand dollars, first grade math, what-what?

Rachael:
If you want a guy with money you need to find yourself a nice Jew or a little China Man.

Adam:
OK, I'm gonna be totally straight with you. Sometimes some of the stuff you say sounds a little...

Rachael:
-honest?

Adam:
No, I was gonna say racist.

Rachael:
Just because I am well aware of my surroundings does not make me racist. [Regarding the Black Man sitting down behind Adam] Watch your wallet.

Adam:
OK, like that! Why should I have to watch my wallet? Just because there's a Black Man sitting behind me- [He notices Rachael take off her jacket and reveal her chest] -oh my god I wanna push those things together and ride them like two Yorkies I want to lick them.

Rachael:
It is so warm in here I am sweating like a slave.

Adam:
Jesus! Like that! How do you say stuff like that and sleep at night?

Adam:
What do you do if you're dating a girl that's super hot but she might have some fundamental differences of opinion that might be slightly ignorant and maybe a little bigoted?

Oderus Urungus:
I don't know what half of those words mean.

Oderus Urungus:
We eliminated math from my home planet because math is dumb.

Adam:
Lance has the attention span of something with a short attention span- OH MY GOD! Did we have to add a woman to the writing staff?

Adam:
[Camera whips to reveal the writing staff and the men point at a lone confused looking woman. The camera whips back to the set and Adam addresses Joe again] Quick, before she pitches another joke about her mom or her period!

Female staff writer:
[Off screen] I have a good joke about air travel!

Joe:
ANYWAY...

Joe:
Anyway, the cursed video tape... I subliminally edited it into a Winger video. Lance will watch it. Trust me.

Lance Rockett:
Good evening, Holliston!

Joe:
What do you mean there's a director cut of Winger's video for Seventeen, Adam?

Lance Rockett:
FALSE! There is only one cut in existence of the Seventeen video. I'm calling bullshit.

Laura:
There's gotta be someone we know that deserves to die.

Joe:
Is it too late to send the tape to Tony Todd? Cause that guy sucks.

Corri:
That guy totally sucks.

Adam:
He sucks so bad.

Laura:
He was not white. [Off of everyone's offended looks] Was that too much?

Joe:
Tonight's presentation is THE RING. One of the better remakes to come out of the 2000's where if it wasn't a remake horror fans wouldn't see it.

Adam:
What country is it from?

Laura:
It's called "uk". Must be in Africa.

Corri:
That says UK, Sweetheart. Britain?

Laura:
Ooh, exotic!

Joe:
Hold on, did you just make out or did you... hook up?

Adam:
We just made out.

Joe:
What base?

Adam:
Base. What are we, eight?

Joe:
Did you see her naked?

Adam:
That is none of your business.

Joe:
Did she at least touch your thingy?

Adam:
We kissed! OK? That's all. We kissed. And it was... sweet. And it was tender. And it was romantic [Dodging Joe's hand slap] It's not always about getting your thingy touched, Joe. Sometimes it's about being touched... here. [Adam slaps Joe and runs for his bedroom]

Oderus Urungus:
Shut up and listen to me. Show the tape to somebody that you don't like and make it their problem. Do the racist and then break up with her right after. A dude like you will never be with a "10" again.

Lance Rockett:
Corporate says our commercials are still no bueno. That means no good in Mexican.

Joe:
[Regarding Laura's painting] That may be too many dead cats.

Laura:
How many dead cats are too many dead cats?

Joe:
How about just three.

Laura:
OK, fine. 'Cause THAT'S any fun.

Joe:
Hey, Corri. What do you think about a musical performance for the event? Do you want to perform a song or something?

Corri:
OK. I'm flattered!

Joe:
Great! An awful country song will really make SHINPADS look awesome!

Corri:
So flattered.

Oderus Urungus:
Remember the first time you saw STAR WARS? We were still living at your Mom's house at the time and you cam running into my closet saying "Oderus! Oderus! I know what I want to do with the rest of my life now!"

Adam:
Finger Carrie Fisher?

Oderus Urungus:
No! You wanted to make movies. Movies with monsters.

Adam:
Yeah, well, I tried. I tried harder than anybody else that I know. But everybody else that I grew up with? My friends? They've got families, and they have children, and they have savings accounts and 401K's. They have futures! Me? What do I have? I have nothing but debt and misery and every single thing I do I get rejected. I have no money. It's bullshit and I don't want to do it anymore.

Oderus Urungus:
What about Joe? He's just as bad off as you are, though unlike you, he's too stupid to admit it.

Adam:
How is that supposed to make me feel better?

Oderus Urungus:
...I don't know.

Oderus Urungus:
Fine. Sell out. Get a job. A nice 9 to 5 one. Sit in front of the idiot box all night and watch some stupid sitcom all the whole wondering what it might have been like if you had held in there for just one more day.

Oderus Urungus:
If you give up, you're the dick. It's like Kurt Cobain once said... "I give up." [He mimes blowing his own head off] Don't be that guy. [Then, to the studio audience] And no! That joke wasn't too soon! It's been twenty years, you people need to get over it! [Then, to Adam] But if we don't get a third season you have no one to blame but yourself, Adam. You wrote it.

Dana:
I think I might love you.

Adam:
Wow. Um...

Dana:
Did I just say that? Wow. Um, it's OK. You don't have to say it back. I know we've only been dating a few weeks and that just... ugh... just kind of came out.

Adam:
Yeah - Rrrught! That was gross. Not gross. I mean, what I just did was gross. What you did was...

Dana:
It's OK. We're good.

Gustavo:
Why you not invite Gustavo?

Joe:
Oh, didn't you get the invitation?

Gustavo:
I did not get the invitation.

Joe:
Must have gotten lost in the mail.

Laura:
You said not to invite Gustavo.

Gustavo:
Who says this?

Joe:
No I didn't.

Laura:
Yes you did. You threw away his invitation...

Joe:
-Be quiet, Pile of Stuff!

Gustavo:
Why would Pile of Stuff say you not invite Gustavo?

Corri:
I wrote this song... for somebody very, very special to me.

Adam:
Did you guys have a good time tonight?

Sid Haig:
My last prostate exam was more fun than this!

Adam:
You know what else wasn't fun? HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2!

Sid Haig:
You suck!

Joe:
[to Laura] Now, I may not be able to give you everything that you deserve. I don't have any money. I can't even buy you dinner most nights. And I certainly can't buy you the ring that you so richly deserve. But... if you'll take this ring pop for now... I swear that every dime that I make and every penny that I find will go towards buying you the biggest ring in the whole world. Please, Laura. Don't go to Germany. Because of you, I... I love my life. I cherish it. I cherish it more than Rick Baker's amazing werewolf transformation effects in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. So with all of our friends here and Sid Haig in attendance...

Sid Haig:
Don't involve me in this!

Joe:
I ask you... will you marry me?

Corri:
Adam, wait! I'm pregnant.

Adam:
What? With a baby?

Adam:
Wait. How much of this is real and how much of this is just "end of season shenanigans". Like last season. When we all got shot to death for no reason.

Corri:
The zombies aren't real. But you guys really lost your jobs. Laura really said no. And I'm really pregnant.

Adam:
[Kneels down to tenderly put his face against her belly] F***.

Crazy Max:
Crazy Max, you're accused of having the lowest prices in New England! How do you plead? Well, your Honor, if selling fifty-count packs of styrofoam plates and generic shaving cream for ninety-nine cents is a crime, then Crazy Max sure is guilty!

Lance Rockett:
You guys look like I did when Dokken got dropped from their label.

Joe:
Our short film just got rejected by every film festival we submitted to.

Lance Rockett:
So what? You can't let the man decide your future! You gotta rock it out yourself! You decide your own fate, not some suit behind a desk! Yeah! Get back! Wooo!

Joe:
Well, we're getting closer and closer to the big finale and the film that you're all here to really see... SHINPADS.

Sid Haig:
SHINPADS?

Adam:
When they score... You die.

Sid Haig:
That sounds terrible!

Adam:
So did the premise for the movie CREATURE but you still did it.

Sid Haig:
Holy sh*t! Zombies!

Sid Haig:
Worst Farm Festival Ever!

Nicolo:
Come on you bastards! Bring the pain! Come on! Come on! Fahkin!

Laura:
If you got a job directing a movie in a third world country I'd want you to go. Think about how many movies shoot in Canada.

Joe:
Making a movie is different. Plus you're talking about leaving for what? Two years?

Laura:
If this were you I'd want you to go because it's what you love.

Joe:
And I want you to stay because I love YOU.

Laura:
I can't do this right now. I have dead cats to paint.

Joe:
Did you not hear me? I said I love you!

Laura:
DEAD CATS! MEEOW! HISSS!

Joe:
What's with the "Farm Festival" signs? It's supposed to be "film". "Film Festival?"

Nicolo:
"Fahm Festival." That's what you said.

Joe:
"Film."

Nicolo:
"Fahm."

Joe:
"Film."

Nicolo:
"Fahm."

Joe:
"FILM."

Nicolo:
"FAHM." I need a percocet.

Laura:
It's nice to meet you again.

Danielle Harris:
Again?

Laura:
Yeah, we met at the Rock N Shock convention, remember? Adam got all creepy and up in your face and his t-shirt smelled so bad that when [Adam picks her up and twirls her around once to distract her] WEEEEE!... what was I talking about?

Joe:
You're not dating. She's flirting with you. There is a difference.

Lance Rockett:
No, no, no. Not in my book. If someone in the audience keeps their eyes on me for an entire song I consider that lucky individual to be Lance's next rocket launcher - WOO!

Kane Hodder:
You know what this reminds me of? Monster Mania. Remember it was you, me, Mick Garris, Dee Wallace, Danny Trejo, Bill Moseley, Sid Haig, and that six foot eight Nigerian lady boy- that was crazy! Who was on the bottom, Berryman?

Danielle Harris:
I don't think so... was it Berryman?

Kane Hodder:
No, no, no, it was Angus Scrimm!

Danielle Harris:
Ohhh! Angus Scrimm!

Corri:
Open your eyes.

Adam:
You open your eyes.

Corri:
...That doesn't make any sense.

Adam:
Maybe it doesn't have to.

Nicolo:
Dude! That's the chick from all them Halloween movies!

Joe:
Sorry. My assistant here has poor depth perception.

Nicolo:
She can't hear me. She's all the way over there. Man, I would so give that girl "eat".

Danielle Harris:
What are you talking about, Boo?

Adam:
And don't call me "Boo". That's what Corri used to call me. And if I can't be her "Boo"... then I don't wanna be a "Boo."

Danielle Harris:
You're gonna regret this for the rest of your life.

Corri:
[Stepping in front of Adam and taking his hand] No he won't.

Adam:
I've been dreaming about this ever since I saw Halloween IV.

Danielle Harris:
I was ten.

Adam:
Right, but I- I was ten, when I saw it... so we were both... there wasn't anything inappropriate about it. I think a lot of ten year olds find other ten year olds incredibly sexy...

Danielle Harris:
-Stop talking!

Joe:
What's going on?

Laura:
Michael Myers tried to molest me!

Joe:
What? Ahh! [Hits Adam over the head with the frying pan again]

Laura:
Was that... the boogeyman?

Joe:
As a matter of fact... it was.

Nicolo:
Oh, kid- I'll do whatever. Like while you're shooting or editing, I'll be the one to run to Dunkin's for you. I'll always make sure your ice box is stocked with Strawberry Quik and scratch tickets galore. I'll steal a spoiler for your car. Kid, you can bang my sister. She's a little slow, looks like she got hit with a sack of nickels, but whatever you need Nicolo's got your back!

[Oderus Urungus emerges from the closet]

Oderus Urungus:
Hey, Adam!

Adam:
No, no, no, not tonight! You gotta go, right now, go!

Oderus Urungus:
But I haven't seen you all day!

Adam:
We'll hang out tomorrow. Come on, go!

Oderus Urungus:
But you promised that you would shave my back tonight!

Adam:
I'll do... No, I didn't, you just made that up!

Oderus Urungus:
Yes. But will you, though?

Oderus Urungus:
She's in the bathroom, right?

Adam:
Yes!

Oderus Urungus:
Try not to imagine her pooping... when you're hitting it! Just ruined it for you, didn't I?

Joe:
Holliston, Massachusetts. A quaint little town founded in 1724 by the pilgrims, Paul Revere, and Emilia Earheart. This town has a long and scary history. From the mysterious balancing rocks that you see behind me, which some say were erected for Satanic sacrifices, to the tales of torture on the Farms of Cumberland where locals say you can still hear the screams of horror on a full moon. This town has a scary, macabre, and scary history to it. But one word still instills fear into the whispers of the elders and the nightmares of children... the Holliston Hobgoblin.

Adam:
[to Laura and Corri] I'll be like the heroic lead who kind of saves you guys and then... tag teams both of you when it's over.

Laura:
JOE!

Joe:
What?

Laura:
You're holding a dick and balls.

Corri:
Never have I ever had sex at my parent's house... while they were home [passes the bottle to Adam] drink.

Adam:
Oh, fine, you know what though? Technically YOU should be drinking to that one too, don't you think?

Corri:
OK, fine.

Laura:
You guys have the same parents?

Laura:
Never have I ever... had a sex dream about my best friend Corri. [She takes a drink]

Corri:
What was that?

Joe:
Maybe it was a fox?

Adam:
Foxes don't laugh like Hobgoblins.

Joe:
When something's funny they do.

Adam:
Welcome to The Movie Crypt, Joe wet his pants last night.

Laura:
We're so wasted!

Nicolo:
Oh yeah, the Holliston Hobgoblin is fierce, kid. I remember when I was still smoking diesel, me and my boy Sully, we used to go down to Lake Winthrop with a couple tall boys so that the cops would bother us- those motherf***ers- and there was this one night, I'll never forget it. I don't remember exactly what happened but all I know is we turned around and the Holliston Hobgoblin is staring right back at us. Fahkin. But we didn't run away or nothing 'cause there was nowhere's else to drink. I mean, the parking lot behind the middle school used to be a boss place to party but then they put up that chained link fence and you couldn't climb back up it once you was shattered. This was a big problem, you understand? In sixth grade I got caught back there doing the "arm eat beat."

Adam:
The what?

Nicolo:
The "arm eat beat", kid. It's when you lick your armpit like it's a piece of vag and with your other hand you do beat.

Corri:
Joe, I'm gonna need to touch up your make-up.

Joe:
I'm not wearing make-up. I'm a guy. I don't need make-up.

Corri:
Adam's wearing make-up. [the camera finds Adam who gives a sultry and pouty look into the lens]

Oderus Urungus:
Hey, I'm a magical alien from Scumdogia. Our motto is: If a girl won't let you touch her... touch her when she's passed out!

Corri:
HI. MY NAME IS CORRI. SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

Laura:
They're Colombian, Corri. Not deaf.

Joe:
Hola! Los Pollos Hermanos!

Laura:
Mom, Dad... [Pulling Adam close]... this is Joe.

Adam:
What?

Corri:
What?

Joe:
Cilantro?

Axl The Cat:
What a comical situation.

Adam:
Pablo, the toilets please.

Joe:
Quesedilla.

Adam:
Thank you.

Joe:
Degobah.

Adam:
See? That's why I'm like KIX cereal. Little boys - no, Mom's love me.

Crazy Max:
Lately I'm feeling like people aren't taking me seriously.

Lance Rockett:
Are you kidding? That one where you dressed up like a Medieval Knight rocked harder than Europe on The Final Countdown Tour!

Adam:
That's what I was gonna say, too. Except not... like that, and not... in spandex.

Crazy Max:
Who's Europe?

Lance Rockett:
Have a seat in my office, Max. I've got their first three albums on vinyl. Joey Tempest's voice will change your life!

Joe:
Have you slept with her?

Adam:
What? No! What are you crazy?

Joe:
Have you thought about it though?

Adam:
Yes- but it was within thirty days of when you first started dating so it's OK.

Joe:
Fair enough.

Adam:
Now why would I need to get Corri in my bed when I've already got... YOUR girlfriend? [Mocking Joe] "Is he... is he kidding? I mean he... he wouldn't... he wouldn't really... [Then, devilishly] Would he?" Mmmmm... I think I'm gonna eat some Mexican tonight.

Oderus Urungus:
If I had a daughter I would much rather her marry Joe than you. At least Joe's a real man. You're like an even gayer Hobbit.

Adam:
Well, I don't want to screw over Laura with her parents, you know? But I also have an obligation to Joe and he wants me to mess up pretty big in front of them, you know, so they won't like me as much. But I don't want to screw up TOO big and have them like REALLY not like me. I just wanna screw up like just enough so that Joe can step in and then maybe they'll sorta like him more, you know?

Oderus Urungus:
See? Even gayer Hobbit.

Oderus Urungus:
Alright, here's what you do. Punch Laura in the face, just smash her across the kisser right in front of her Dad and then say "Woman, go get me a beer!"

Adam:
I don't hit women.

Oderus Urungus:
Well neither do I... But I understand it.

Adam:
How did it go with John Anguish?

Corri:
Terrible. He was so mean. He said that he thought that I was dumpy in High School and that I was a stuck up b*tch for a chubby girl. He said I dress like a stripper and that I stick out my b*obs to hide my ugly face. And he said that I'd never find happiness because I broke up with you.

Adam:
Well sometimes the truth hurts. [Off of Corri's angry look] Sometimes. Not all of it. I like... I like your b*obs AND your face.

Corri:
My outfits aren't slutty they're CUTE!

John Anguish:
Adam, the reason why i used to beat you up is because I was jealous of you.

Adam:
...Go on.

John Anguish:
I didn't get it exactly but girls liked you and you seemed so happy with Corri and everything. You had everything and I had nothing even though you're like an even gayer Hobbit.

John Anguish:
[Mocking Joe's voice] "I'm going to Hollywood! I'm gonna be a great director! My name is Joe!" You have to admit that sounds almost exactly like you. [to Adam] If somebody called you on the phone with that voice you would think it was Joe.

Joe:
I'm sorry that your life is in the shitter and I hope and pray that you find whatever peace you're looking for, I honestly do. But I'm not gonna sit here and let some a**hole from my past cut me down AGAIN just to make himself feel better.

John Anguish:
[to himself] One day at a time, man. One day at a time.

Joe:
You are a dick. But you know what I've learned? There's a lot of d*cks out there. Like John Landis. But not me and not this dick. [He points at Adam] We are gonna get SHINPADS made.

John Anguish:
SHINPADS?

Adam:
"When they score... you die."

John Anguish:
[to himself] Let go and let God. Let go and let God, man.

Joe:
You made fun of me every day. But guess who's laughing now? ME! Let's get out of here.

Adam:
Oh... and if you ever make Corri cry again...? I'll cut out your tongue and shove it up your ass. OK? OK. [Adam slowly pushes the open beer in front of John Anguish's face] Honesty.

Adam:
I can't do this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I... am an even gayer Hobbit.

Laura's Dad:
What's a Hobbit?

Adam:
I like men. I'm into guys and, and... second breakfast...

Laura:
-Enough!

Adam:
-Oh, thank God.

Laura:
I know what a big deal it was for you when I left Colombia and moved to the States. I wanted to make you proud but Daddy you had this whole list of things about the type of guy you didn't want me to be with and... Joe sorta fits everything on that list. But I love him. I love him so much that sometimes I can't even stand it. When I'm not near him it feels like every single one of my bones is breaking. It hurts. I guess I just don't want you to make me move back home because... if I can't be near Joey... my heart will stop beating.

Laura's Dad:
Do you really love this man, Laura?

Laura:
I really love this man, Papa.

Laura's Dad:
Does he make you happy?

Laura:
He makes me happy.

Laura's Dad:
Can he provide for you?

Laura:
He makes me happy.

Laura's Mom:
[to Laura, regarding Corri] Your roommate dresses like a stripper.

Laura's Dad:
Do you love my daughter?

Adam:
Well... I mean love's a pretty broad word, you know what I'm saying? It's like, I love a lot of things. I love ARMY OF DARKNESS, I love my Jenna Haze fleshlight, I love, um...

Laura:
Corri.

Adam:
C- Corri. Who's- what?

Joe:
Mesquite ensalada Guillermo del Toro upside down question mark?

Joe:
Cory Haim was also in LICENSE TO DRIVE or as it's called in Adam's collection... LICENSE TO SWALLOW 13.

Adam:
Now that's definitely not true. I haven't even finished LICENSE TO SWALLOW 12 yet.

Corri:
I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!

Joe:
Apparently so is Adam this week.

Corri:
Some guy bit me on my arm!

Laura:
We've all got problems today, Corri. I'm trying to fill out a wicked hard application, take a number.

Corri:
I am bleeding!

Joe:
My Diet Coke is flat! Do we really wanna start this right now, Corri?

Adam:
Some guy bit you? Where?

Laura:
On her arm. Do you even read the scripts you write?

Adam:
No, I mean where did it happen?

Corri:
I was walking out of the hospital and some crazy guy was being dragged in by the EMT.

Laura:
Aww, I always get so sad when ET goes home.

Corri:
No, EMT? The ambulance driver?

Laura:
[Pointing to Corri's injury, ala ET] "Ooooouch."

Corri:
A werewolf? Seriously? How much have you guys had to drink tonight?

Joe:
Not a drop! There's no carbonation in this soda whatsoever!

Adam:
Not now, Joe.

Joe:
Oh, Oh, let's just make it all about the B-story, huh?

Adam:
B-Story? What's the A-story line?

Joe:
[Joe points at his flat Diet Coke]

Adam:
Wow, we're getting pretty desperate for story lines, huh?

Joe:
Yeah.

Adam:
Hold still, Guy from American Werewolf in London.

Mark Ward:
I'm not a werewolf. I was doing bath salts, OK? I started partying on... what day is it?

Adam:
Sunday.

Mark Ward:
It is? I've been high since Tuesday, awesome!

Corri:
What happened with the guy?

Adam:
Joe untied him and let him escape.

Joe:
That was you!

Adam:
Just go with it.

Joe:
That was me.

Laura:
Thank God you're back. Corri is so mean when she's a werewolf.

Corri:
If you don't let me go to the bathroom right now I am never talking to any of you again ever.

Adam:
Get the party bucket, Joe.

Corri:
The party bucket?

Joe:
You know, sometimes when you've got the spins and...

Corri:
- I am not peeing in a bucket!

Adam:
Fine! I'll take you to the bathroom.

Corri:
No. Laura can take me.

Adam:
I really think I should be the one to take you to the bathroom, Corri.

Corri:
You are not watching me pee, Adam.

Adam:
Damnit.

Adam:
You're dreaming, dreaming, dreaming. Go back to sleep, sleep, sleep. Get back together with Adam, Adam Adam...

Oderus Urungus:
I'm an alien monster not Casper the stupid ghost!

Adam:
Friendly. Casper's a friendly ghost.

Oderus Urungus:
Oh whatever. He sucks and you suck for knowing that!

Lance Rockett:
Fake Eddie Van Halen is passing a kidney stone so the band is on hiatus until he pops that sucker out.

Adam:
How metal.

Lance Rockett:
Kidney stones are not metal. Lance Rockett always says, "Drink plenty of water, watch for calcium build-up, and stay in school." Words I live by. That, and... "Always shave the taint."

Laura:
Ha! Ha! Ha! Your dog died!

Corri:
I am not a werwolf. Werewolves aren't real.

Laura:
Spoken like a true werewolf who's trying to convince someone who's not a werewolf that they're not a werewolf.

Corri:
...What?

Laura:
I don't know, get out of my head!

Lance Rockett:
On second thought, maybe I should go see if Fake Eddie needs any help passing that stone through his... penis. Penis. PENIIII-IS- YEAH!

Corri:
Let me guess. The point and drink game again?

Adam:
[Points at Joe] Drink!

Joe:
[Points at Adam] Drink!

Adam:
I'm never drinking again. I could never see alcohol again and I would be totally fine with that. Just Diet Coke from here on in. I'm never drinking again.

Laura:
Every party is better with Laura. I'm cute, I'm fun, and I salsa!

Oderus Urungus:
What about the time I stood watch over you all night so that you wouldn't be attacked by Freddy Krueger?

Adam:
You fell asleep and I got attacked!

Oderus Urungus:
Well, I was tired!

Oderus Urungus:
Spooky Dan Bear is none of your business!

Oderus Urungus:
Tell me something personal about me, Oderus Urungus, that only a true friend would know.

Adam:
You... you smell like a bag of d*cks.

Oderus Urungus:
Aw! Whatever! See ya around, Dick Hole.

Corri:
Don't "uh" me! You always used to do that to me at the mall. Every fitting room it was always "uh", "uh", "uh"!

Laura:
Joe and I "uh" in fitting rooms sometimes, too.

Adam:
I'll have you know that you and I have had loads of fake sex and you are gonna fake love it.

Adam:
You missed the part where she flashed the whole wedding party her vertical smile.

Joe:
You mean her love taco?

Adam:
Her Cenobite skin folds?

Corri:
We are not doing this again.

Laura:
Her Ashton Cooch-er?

Corri:
ENOUGH!

Corri:
Her dress is stupid.

Laura:
Want me to drag her outside and kick the sh*t out of her?

Laura:
Congrats. Your wedding was beautiful for a wedding in a dive bar.

Laura:
Damn, I am bad at changing subjects.

Corri:
Put your hands on my ass or I will punch you in the dick!

Corri:
HEY, REMEMBER THAT TIME IN VERMONT WHEN YOU MADE ME WEAR A STRAP ON?

Adam:
[after kissing Corri] Ew... did you...?

Corri:
Yeah, I threw up earlier.

Adam:
[as Corri quickly grabs his crotch three times] CORRI - STOP - DONE! [Then] Does anyone have a moist towelette?

Joe:
Germany? When was she gonna tell me?

Adam:
You were the one who helped her fill out that application.

Joe:
That was you.

Adam:
You should be happy for her. I mean, come on, this is awesome. It's what she always wanted, right?

Joe:
Who's side are you on here?

Adam:
Well... I mean... I think it's very good... bad... you... you think it's very... good...

Joe:
-Bad.

Adam:
-bad...

Joe:
You're not helping.

Adam:
I'm really not helping.

Adam:
I'm gonna leave you two alone cause I've got a thing...

Laura:
-uh, no, we haven't danced yet and I love this song...

Adam:
-No, you know what? I already got dance raped once tonight.

Corri:
How come no one thinks I'm pretty?

Adam:
Everybody thinks you're pretty.

Corri:
Do you still think I'm pretty?

Adam:
Pretty? I think you're beautiful. And you'll always be my favorite thing in the world. Even when we're both eighty and we made the mistake of marrying and starting families with other people... if you just said the word I'd leave all of it just to be near you.

Joe:
Do you honestly think that she's gonna to Germany and leave all of... this... behind?

Adam:
I think she'd go to Connecticut and leave all of... that... behind.

Supreme Being in the closet:
Return the map! Stop! It will bring you great danger! Oh. Hey, Laura.

Oderus Urungus:
Kiss my pimply ass!

Kevin:
Come on, my little pancake.

Oderus Urungus:
According to you I smell like a sack of scrotes anyway.

Adam:
We've texted seven times, thank you very much. In fact... I got a winky face.

Joe:
I transferred all of the Halloweens except for the one with Busta Whatshisnuts.

Adam:
Trick or Treat, Muthaf - are you eating my last Butterfinger?

Adam:
You know how much I love Butterfingers. They're so... buttery and... fingery.

Joe:
I don't think I need to own every movie from a slasher franchise on DVD if I think some of them are so bad that I'll never actually watch them.

Adam:
Well you can't call yourself a Pumpkinhead fan if you don't even own Pumpkinhead 2 Blood Wings.

Joe:
There was a sequel?

Adam:
There were three sequels. Where were you?

Joe:
Were they any good?

Adam:
They were... movies.

Adam:
Your wugget is showing.

Laura:
My what?

Joe:
You have zebra loaf.

Corri:
You can see the bald man in the boat.

Adam:
You're displaying a package of pink Thin Mints.

Laura:
What are you guys talking about?

Adam:
Meat curtains.

Joe:
Ham wallet.

Adam:
Lars Ulrich's knees.

Joe:
Hairy Potter?

Adam:
E.T.'s feet?

Corri:
OK, honey? You have camel toe in this picture.

Laura:
No I d - oh my God. You can see the outline of my Sy Snootles!

Adam:
Well, on the bright side at least you can't see the rest of the Max Rebo band, right? I mean... your cervix isn't showing.

Adam:
What's your screen name?

Laura:
Putrid Pestilence 2.

Corri:
Putrid Pestilence 2?

Laura:
I know. Someone already had Putrid Pestilence 1.

Joe:
Well if you're gonna be the worst you might as well win at it.

Lance Rockett:
The lady from regional is coming down at five o'clock today and I've got to show her a good commercial. Think! What do we have?

Joe:
What about the one from Ashland House of Pizza that Adam just finished?

Lance Rockett:
The one with the talking gerbil?

Adam:
"Our pizza is the cheesiest!"

Lance Rockett:
Too weird. I don't even wanna know where you guys found a talking gerbil in the first place. But that was a good impression of him, Adam.

Lance Rockett:
You guys get on it. I gotta get ready to meet the lady.

Adam:
Woah, boss. Why do you need like four hours to get ready?

Lance Rockett:
[Standing and motioning to his sequin shorts, fishnets, and pink boa] You don't think this just happens do you, Adam?

Lance Rockett:
[Puts his leg up on his desk and his crotch in Adam and Joe's faces] Call me nuts. But I always imagined the two of you running your own little low budget cable advertising company one day. That, or... modeling underwear.

Adam:
Nuts.

Lance Rockett:
Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go get ready and show this little lady where the down boys go, Oh! She's gonna be my Cherry Pie! Metaaaaaaal! [Exits and randomly reappears again] Woo! Encore exit! Metal, double time! Metal-metal-metal-metal-metal-metal-metal!

Adam:
Joe, we're in a barn. Did you notice that? This is a barn.

Joe:
Uh, a lot of awesome things happen in barns. Jesus was born in a barn.

Adam:
That was a manger.

Joe:
See? Already a step up!

Joe:
I'm Joe and this is Adam. We spoke to a Gustavo earlier about doing effects for a project we're doing called Shinpads.

Gustavo:
Shinpads?

Adam:
Shinpads. It's the undead soccer team movie with bite. It's about a team of Mexican soccer players who get massacred but then they come back like a decade later to seek revenge.

Gustavo:
Why?

Adam:
Because they were murdered by their own coach.

Gustavo:
No, I mean, why are you making that?

Gustavo:
Do you wanna see something awesome?

Joe:
Yeah.

Gustavo:
[Holding out his phone] Checkout the mooseknuckle on this chick's Twitter picture.

Joe:
Awesome.

Gustavo:
And we only making the trailer, you not make the whole film?

Adam:
No, just the trailer right now. But then we're gonna use that to raise the financing to make the feature. Kind of like how those guys got Hatchet made.

Gustavo:
Ah, Hatchet, yes. Terrible picture. Yes, Hatchet, abomination. The only thing worse than direction was writing. Make you wonder did they have script or was Adam Green just masturbating all over the set?

Adam:
Stop ad-libbing, Seth.

Gustavo:
Sorry.

Gustavo:
You've come to the right place. For two hundred dollars I give you something on par with Dawn of Dead.

Joe:
Dawn of the Dead!

Adam:
Wait. The Romero one or the remake?

Gustavo:
[Clutching his chest] Ah! They remake Dawn of Dead?

Joe:
Yeah, a couple years ago.

Gustavo:
Where was Gustavo? This horrible! Next you know they remake The Thing and try to say it's prequel!

Adam:
Our trailer is just gonna be the money shots.

Gustavo:
Oh, you shoot sex? Splat! Oh my face, I'm going to need a damp rag!

Adam:
Different kind of money shots.

Gustavo:
I don't like your friend. He must be writer, huh?

Adam:
As a matter of fact I am the writer on the project.

Gustavo:
You can always tell. Writer is always oh that's not how I see it or oh, I am suing you for ruining my vision, Gustavo! Or oh no we need more residuals in undefined multi-media areas! Let's strike for six months and not really get anywhere under the crushing thumb of the Producer's Guild! Writers! [Spits] Ptoo!

Gustavo:
Will there be girls?

Joe:
There will be girls, sure.

Gustavo:
Will there be girls... like this? [Holds out his phone to Joe's face] Look down. You can see Alice Cooper's neck.

Joe:
Yeah. I've seen it. Many times.

Joe:
Gustavo may not be Greg Nicotero but he'll be just fine.

Adam:
You know, I've actually heard that Greg Nicotero suffers from the same multiple personality disorder as your little buddy Gustavo. In fact, when they were shooting The Walking Dead, Nicotero thought he was a real zombie and he bit Frank Darabont which is what caused him to leave the show.

Joe:
Seriously?

Adam:
No. But I'll tell you what, J.J. McClure. If your little Savini goes all Captain Chaos on me, I quit!

Joe:
That's a lot of references.

Adam:
Thank you.

Adam:
So are you two just sorta gonna always be here after work or are you ever gonna get your own place?

Corri:
Season two.

Corri:
[singing] A life without him is hard to fathom, oh I dream about those days when I had 'em... Ohhh... Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. His name is Kevin, yes it's Kevin...

Adam:
[Grabbing her guitar away] Yeah, no. That song is terrible.

Corri:
Adam, I was just getting to the good part.

Adam:
You know what? The lyrics are making you sound like a whore.

Joe:
I don't want to sound insensitive, but maybe this is a good thing.

Laura:
How?

Joe:
Well, when we finish our Shinpads trailer you can twitter it out to all of those people!

Laura:
Wow. I didn't realize what a good thing this was for ME!

Adam:
You know what, Laura? Maybe you should just forget about this and focus on your artwork.

Laura:
But if I paint when I'm this sad it will negatively effect my artwork. [Reveal a painting of a puppy with knives in it's eyes and a painting of a little girl crying over her mother's grave]

Corri:
We wouldn't that to happen.

Laura:
And I keep getting all of these tweets sent to my email. Like this one. [She holds her phone out for Corri to read]

Corri:
"Nice fleshy gym sock." Hahahahaha... that is so messed up.

Laura:
The whole world has seen my little twitter.

Laura:
You want me to show the twins in your trailer? No, I don't think so.

Adam:
What's the difference? You've already shown half of Twitter Kevin Costner's left Waterworld gil.

Corri:
Here's the deal. I'm not showing anything below the waist and if you have my b*obs on camera than you can't show my face in the shot.

Joe:
Now, why would we need your face if we already have your b*obs?

Corri:
I'm gonna be doing this as part of an acting role. That Twitter photo is just a slutty cry for attention. [to Laura] No offense.

Laura:
Well, you'll be acting in a schlocky trailer for a B-horror film that will probably never even get made. [to Adam] No offense.

Adam:
You know what? It's still better than giving fourteen thousand strangers a free glimpse inside the Predator's mouth. [to Laura] No offense.

Joe:
I have chlamydia.

Joe:
You're talking to the guy who's girlfriend showed the entire Twitterverse her sideways Big Mac.

Joe:
Dude, no one is gonna know that is was her, OK? I wish I could say the same about Laura and her twitter photo of Greedo's lips.

Laura:
Fifty-six thousand followers have now gazed upon Winnie the Pooh's honey pot.

Joe:
Now what we're going for here is total seventies style.

Corri:
You should have told me that before I shaved.

Joe:
Actually what I meant was less camera moves and more zooms.

Adam:
Actually, this battery is... starting to get a little low, so I'm... I'm just gonna... run to my battery real quick and... get a room. Woah, look at that. [He covers Corri in her bathrobe again] You dropped this.

Oderus Urungus:
Adam, I'm starting to get a little worried about you. How are you gonna make it as a big time Hollywood director if you get squeamish about a couple of nude scenes? I mean, imagine Scream if Wes Craven was uncomfortable with nude scenes.

Adam:
There was no nudity in Scream.

Oderus Urungus:
My point exactly. Now, do you want to go down in history as the guy who made the crummy PG-13 remake of Prom Night? Or do you wanna make Re-animator?

Adam:
I just want to tell good stories.

Oderus Urungus:
Don't make me have to destroy you.

Oderus Urungus:
Check out the wizard's sleeve on that chick.

Oderus Urungus:
Oderus Urungus will always say, if a girl wants to get naked you let her.

Adam:
Yeah, but we're not even paying her.

Oderus Urungus:
Hmm.

[Backhands Adam into the closet door]

Oderus Urungus:
I'm gonna go continue to defile Joe's girlfriend in my mind while observing Frankenberry's hot pocket.

Corri:
Joe talked me out of it. He said he didn't think those were the right reasons and that I might regret it later in life.

Joe:
That... and she has weird nipple placement.

Corri:
I do not!

Joe:
Kidding! [Then, behind her back, mouthing "I'm not!"]

Laura:
The way I see it, what are a couple of b*obs when the entire Twitterverse has already seen James Cameron's Abyss?

Laura:
Hey! [Reading an email from her phone] Due to your profane profile image Twitter has decided to cancel your account. P.S. Nice beagle ears.

Lance Rockett:
Good evening, Holliston!

Joe:
Hey, Boss. Hey, how did it go with the lady from regional?

Lance Rockett:
It was awesome! You should have seen me work this chick over. I was like White Lion on the Mane Attraction Tour.

Lance Rockett:
Trust me boys, nothing gets chicks hotter than a pair of fishnets and the right lip gloss.

Adam:
So that's what I'm doing wrong.

Lance Rockett:
I'm late for my meeting with Robin Lixx and Tracii Pistolz for this week's cock rock marathon! Up all night...

Joe:
...Sleep all day?

Lance Rockett:
That's right! Fly to the angels, B*tches!

Joe:
Many of you out there have heard Adam and I talk about our own upcoming splatterfest... Shinpads!

Adam:
When they score... you die.

Gustavo:
[Holding a severed arm up to Adam's crotch] Does this... remind you of your Uncle?

Gustavo:
Mmmm... Butterfinger! [Then, breaking character] Doing this show was a terrible idea. Somebody get my agent on the phone!

Valentino Foxx:
What's up, Dudes? I'm looking for Tonto DeWitt.

Joe:
Uh, sorry buddy. There's no one here named "Tonto". And 1987 is down the street.

Lance Rockett:
[Enters] Good evening, Holliston!

Joe:
Or right there.

Lance Rockett:
You got a Dyver Down flier for me to sign or something, Valentino Foxx?

Valentino Foxx:
Dyver Down? Is that the Van Halen cover band from New York? Or the one in Baton Rouge, Detroit, or San Fran?

Lance Rockett:
[Realizes] Damn.

Corri:
[Regarding Bailee] This is a joke, right?

Bailee:
Adam warned me that you might be a little jealous and it's OK. Listen, I know you two used to date but believe me... [looks Corri up and down]... I'm not worried.

Bailee:
[Regarding Corri] That old beat up Barbie is really mean.

Laura:
I know, right!

Bailee:
Mmm, is this skim milk?

Joe:
We add water. Makes it last longer.

Bailee:
Clever!

Bailee:
[Regarding Corri tasting her drink] It's coke. I don't like alcohol. [Corri hands the drink back to Bailee and Bailee pushes it away in disgust] I don't like herpes either.

Bailee:
Adam, let me go talk to her. I think we got off on the wrong footsies.

Bailee:
[Throwing Corri against the wall] I know you're on to me. So here's the deal. You're not gonna say another word. And you're gonna walk away. [Holds switch blade up to Corri's throat] Or I'm gonna slit you open from your throat to your belly button. Are. We. COOL?

Corri:
We're cool.

Bailee:
[Puts switch blade away] Perfecto! I really hope we can be friends and play nice, Corri. Oh, and by the way? You should really use some Dermalogica cream for those wrinkles. [Holds up Dermalogica cream to the camera] Thanks, Dermalogica!

Adam:
What are you reading?

Oderus Urungus:
Your journal.

Adam:
Those are my private thoughts!

Oderus Urungus:
Heh-heh-heh... "March 31st. Why did Subway get rid of the Seafood and Lobster Sandwich? At first I thought they'd at least bring it back in the summertime, but they didn't. Sometimes I wonder why I go on. But I just do. I just do." Man, this is some deep sh*t!

Corri:
This little girl is crazy town! She pulled a knife on me and she's setting him up to go to jail for statutory rape!

Officer Pappas:
Woah. That's a serious allegation. Rape is very bad. And not funny.

Officer Duffy:
If you rape, you ain't... grape.

Officer Pappas:
Grape.

Bailee:
Officers, I have never seen this Joan Rivers lookalike in my life.

Joe:
Hey, boss. Where's Dean?

Lance Rockett:
He went home to live with his mother. Once he found out I was broke and about to lose my job I guess he just didn't need me in his life anymore. And we were gonna start a Skid Row tribute band and everything. I guess "Youth Gone Wild" just wasn't meant to be.

Adam:
Well, speaking of youth gone wild. I found out that my girlfriend Bailee, she was only 11 years old and a wanted sociopath. Apparently, what she does is she lures older men into sleeping with her and then she threatens to blackmail them by saying she's gonna go to the authorities unless the dude will perform grisly murders for her.

Lance Rockett:
Adam. Did you not hear me? A Skid Row tribute band! It would have been awesome!

Vikki McLixx:
I'm looking for a guy named Tonto DeWitt?

Lance Rockett:
Wrong building, Douchebag.

Vikki McLixx:
Man, if I don't get his bone marrow, I'm gonna die!

Valentino Foxx:
Apparently, you and my Mom poured some sugar all over each other in teh club's bathroom.

Lance Rockett:
I've poured some sugar all over a lot of people in bathrooms!

Joe:
[Aside to Adam] Thank god he still hasn't poured some sugar on me.

Officer Pappas:
White people be crazy!

Joe:
I'm sorry your son left you, Lance.

Lance Rockett:
Pfft. Having children is for old people. I'm only 23 years old. This Rockett was meant to rock-it until every head is bangin' and every chick is slammin'. No kids for this legend. Not now. Not ever.

Corri:
Hey, Bailee. New Kids On The Block sucks!

Bailee:
Who is that?

Director:
[Off camera] Corri, reference a band that's not 20 years old!

Corri:
Hey, Bailee. One Direction sucks!

Bailee:
[Grabbing switch blade and attacking] Raaaaaaagh!

Oderus Urungus:
It's like Oderus Urungus always says: If your friends won't accept the one that you love, then pour Drano down their throats so you'll never have to listen to anything they have to say ever again!

Adam:
Don't ever read my journal again!

Oderus Urungus:
Sorry! What kind of grown man keeps a journal, anyway? Might as well have a... pet hamster.

Adam:
We did that joke last season.

Oderus Urungus:
We did?

Adam:
Yeah. Remember Horace Pinker, the hamster in the ball?

Oderus Urungus:
Eh, I only watched my scenes.

Adam:
Welcome back to The Movie Crypt. I'm the better host, Adam.

Joe:
And I'm Academy Award winner, Joe.

Adam:
Academy Award winner of... bad... nothing... no.

Adam:
I call dibs on the shower first.

Joe:
Woah, woah, hold up... look at me.

Adam:
What?

Joe:
I have toxic blood all over me!

Adam:
You take forever.

Joe:
It's called "manscaping". You should try it some time, Afro Nuts.

Adam:
I'm not standing in your fluff.

Adam:
Axl! [Kissing sounds]

Joe:
You know, maybe he'd feel more comfortable coming back to you if you didn't verbally sexually assault it.

Adam:
Are you sure that's him? Kind of looks like a... [Spray fills the shot]

Adam:
...skunk.

Corri:
Are they... in the bath together?

Laura:
Wouldn't be the first time. They're kind of like Bert and Ernie only they dress slightly better and I'm sleeping with Bert. That's right, Corri. You slept with Ernie. You slept with Ernie.

Laura:
Where are we gonna find vinegar in Holliston at midnight?

Corri:
Cumberland Farms is open 24 hours, right?

Laura:
What time does Market BASKET open?

Corri:
You mean MARKET Basket?

Laura:
Market BASKET.

Corri:
No the emphasis is on "market". MARKET Basket.

Laura:
Market BASKET.

Corri:
No, MARKET Basket.

Laura:
Market BasKET.

Corri:
MARKET, MARKET Basket.

Laura:
Market, Market BASKET.

Corri:
No, say "market". Market than Basket.

Laura:
Market, Market BASKET.

Corri:
It's MARKET Basket.

Laura:
Market BASKET.

Corri:
MARKET, MARKET, MARKET Basket!

Laura:
Market, Market, Market BASKET.

Corri:
Try whispering "basket".

Laura:
Market [whispered] basket.

Corri:
The emphasis isn't on "basket". Do you know what "emphasis" means?

Laura:
No.

Corri:
So say the first part loud.

Laura:
MARKET LOUD.

Corri:
What is this about? MARKET Basket. MARKET Basket.

Laura:
Market BASKET.

Laura:
Feeling not so fresh?

Corri:
No, douche is almost all vinegar.

Laura:
See? That's why you're a nurse and I'm an artist. You're smart at useless stuff. I'm cute, talented, and fun to be around. I win.

Oderus Urungus:
You smell rank. Kind of like a sewer rat feasting on the remains of a dead pregnant cat.

Adam:
I know. But... wait. Why did the dead cat have to pregnant?

Oderus Urungus:
I don't know. It just was.

Adam:
But that's sad.

Oderus Urungus:
Alright. It's just a dead cat.

Adam:
I need to get this smell off of me, help!

Oderus Urungus:
Very well. [Stands over the bathtub]

Adam:
Hey, what are you doing?

Oderus Urungus:
I'm going to pee on you.

Adam:
But that's for jelly fish stings.

Oderus Urungus:
Yes. Skunks get vinegar.

Adam:
Then why were you gonna pee on me?

Oderus Urungus:
Why not?

Clerk:
[Into the store's microphone] Hey, Mike. Um, I gotta get a price check on Miller's Douche. Autumn Leaves. It's two units. Five ounces. There's two girls up here and they're getting like fifteen boxes of douches. So that's like... seven and a half boxes of douches per girl. So that's like... I don't know, can you split a douche?

Corri:
[Grabs the microphone from him] I think he got it.

Clerk:
So, uh, what are you ladies up to tonight?

Laura:
Washing our Sarlacc Pits. What's your name?

Clerk:
They didn't give me a name. I'm just "Clerk".

Corri:
Really? That sucks for your credits.

Clerk:
I know. But I figure when I update my resume I'll just make up a name. I was thinking Detective McManus.

Laura:
Ooooh!

Corri:
Detective? That's awesome. That totally sounds like a lead.

Clerk:
Right?

Corri:
Or at least a co-star.

Store patron:
Hey, Babe. Feeling not so fresh?

Corri:
Actually, I am very fresh. Yeah, I am. My vagina? It smells like a mixture of high school and a brand new action figure right out of the package. In fact, it might just smell like the freshest thing you've ever smelled in your whole life. Only you'll never know for yourself. Now, if you have any more wise ass comments to make about my purchase step right up and say it now, B*tch!

Laura:
You said "vagina".

Adam:
[Raising a straight razor to his chest and starting to cry] You're bad at skunks! Bad! Bad! You're so bad at skunks!

Adam:
Let's get our minds off of it. Talk about something else.

Joe:
OK. Remember the time in sixth grade when Scott Barnes threw up all over the ferris wheel? It was great! It was like bleeeeach! [Off of Adam's angry stare] What?

Adam:
Something else.

Officer Pappas:
Thanks for the tip, Clerk.

Clerk:
You're welcome, Police Officer number one.

Officer Pappas:
[Proudly displaying his badge] Actually, it's Officer Pappas.

Clerk:
Awww. Lucky.

Laura:
This is profiling and you know it!

Clerk:
Not feeling so fresh now, huh? Whores.

Adam:
If we do die. Something I've never told anybody before. In fourth grade I punched Kyle Snodgrass in the face at recess.

Joe:
The Special Ed kid?

Adam:
He kept giving me nasty looks!

Joe:
He was blind!

Adam:
I know. But it was the only fight I ever won.

Officer Duffy:
OK, one more time. Who exactly are these "friends"?

Laura:
[Crying] One of them is my boyfriend the other is her ex! Don't I get a last meal or something?

Officer Pappas:
That's for people on death row.

Laura:
Can I meet Morgan Freeman?

Officer Duffy:
What?

Laura:
I want my phone call! I get a phone call!

Officer Pappas:
Ladies, you're not under arrest.

Corri:
I'd like to speak to my lawyer.

Officer Pappas:
Really? Let's call him up right now. What's that phone number?

Corri:
Six one seven. Eight nine... twelve.

Officer Pappas:
Twelve?

Officer Duffy:
That's not even a number.

Corri:
This is ridiculous!

Laura:
I told you we should have gone to Market BASKET!

Corri:
MARKET Basket.

Laura:
Market BASKET!

Corri:
No, MARKET. Not Market BASKET. MARKET Basket.

Laura:
Market BASKET!

Corri:
No, whisper the Basket.

Laura:
Market [whispered] basket!

Corri:
No loud whispering! What's with the loud whispering? It's MARKET Basket!

Laura:
Market BASKET!

Officer Duffy:
Excuse me. The inflection would actually be on Market. So like MARKET Basket.

Corri:
See? MARKET Basket. MARKET Basket.

Laura:
Market BASKET!

Officer Pappas:
[Slams his fist on the desk] God damnit! Where's the whore house? Where do you turn tricks?

Laura:
[Holding out her hands] I suggest you cuff us first so that we don't jump out and run like last time. And you might want to put a Hannibal Lechter mask on this one. [Motioning to Corri] She bites.

Corri:
[to the police] Yeah, I don't know her.

Laura:
Whatever Kaiser Soze.

Officer Duffy:
Actually, it's Kaiser Soza.

Laura:
Whatever, f*** [Beeped out] you.

Joe:
What if the girls got into a horrible car accident?

Adam:
Way too serious of an event for the third episode.

Joe:
When did Jessie get addicted to speed?

Adam:
That was like season two episode nine.

Joe:
And when did Zac and Screech get into that drunk driving accident?

Adam:
Season four episode ten, dude.

Joe:
I guess you're right.

Adam:
Without food, this is gonna turn into our own version of Cannibal Holocaust.

Officer Duffy:
My God, it stinks in here.

Officer Pappas:
That's the smell of sluts and the stink of sin. Let's go.

Adam:
Axl is still missing.

Laura:
Axl? He's in Joe's room. I locked him in there when I vacuumed earlier.

Adam:
What.

Joe:
We have a vacuum?

Adam:
The cops are here?

Joe:
Balls!

Adam:
What did you do?

Joe:
Nothing! Wait... Nothing!

Adam:
Did you pay that parking ticket?

Joe:
Uhhhh... [Passes out against the tub again]

Officer Pappas:
You know what obstruction of justice is?

Laura:
You ever hear of wrongful detainment and sexual harassment? [Puts Officer Pappas' hand on her breast] Oh, Officer! I'm only fourteen!

Lance Rockett:
Good evening, Holliston!

Lance Rockett:
What's that smell? [Bends down to sniff his own crotch] I think it's me. Ten shows in a row, same pants.

Lance Rockett:
You guys and your horror movie crap. You'll grow out of it eventually.

Adam:
Funny, some people said about fans of Cinderella and Pretty Boy Floyd.

Lance Rockett:
Yo! Watch what you say about PBF.

Adam:
Sorry.

Lance Rockett:
I want it fast and hard like my rock n roll, yeah!

Adam:
Be careful, Boss.

Lance Rockett:
Oh, I'll be careful. But I won't be quick! Yeah! Watch out! Step back! You got, you got, you got what I need! Hey!

Lance Rockett:
Follow Doctor Love. Metaaaaaaaaaaaal!

Joe:
It's to the bone! It's to the bone!

Lance Rockett:
Well boys, I've got worse news than when Sebastian Bach left Skid Row after the Subhuman Race Tour.

Joe:
Just, just...

Laura:
You always say "just the tip" and then 90 seconds later it's "clean up on aisle Laura."

Joe:
Laura, we're giving him a script not a lap dance.

Laura:
This is the only costume I had. Remember, you bought this for me when you got tired of the sexy crab fisherman outfit?

Adam:
Sexy crab fisherman?

Laura:
Sometimes Joe likes to play Deadliest Catch role-play. Whenever they pull out an empty cage I have to pull Joe out of...

Adam:
OK, OK. Got it.

Kane Hodder:
How YOU doing?

Laura:
Ahoy.

Joe:
Wrong role-play!

Laura:
Oh, I mean... time for your enema.

Joe:
Not now.

Kane Hodder:
Now, lay down next to your b*tch.

Adam:
But there's poop...

Kane Hodder:
LAY DOWN!

Oderus Urungus:
Adam, don't you know that if men didn't take advantage of people in fragile emotional states than no babies would ever be born!

Kane Hodder:
Adam?

Oderus Urungus:
Dude, that guy's built like a truck!

Kane Hodder:
I'm sad. Can I sleep with you?

Oderus Urungus:
And wicked gay!

Lance Rockett:
Hey, if you like rock n roll, check out my band Dyver Down! Monday night, Olive Garden, South Attleboro - it will change your life! Yeah!

Kane Hodder:
I don't have any friends. I'm not even "Jason" anymore. Now I'm gonna get stuck doing shitty Friday the 13th rip offs with wannabe young directors who think they're making "the next horror icon".

Adam:
Nice ad-lib, Dick.

Kane Hodder:
You like that?

Corri:
You are beyond pathetic.

Adam:
And you've really gained a lot of weight since last season.

Joe:
Dude! We did it! We're making a short film with two living horror icons! Kane's feeling better...

Adam:
I'm gonna marry Danielle Harris...

Laura:
I finished my painting, "Piggly No Wiggly"...

Corri:
And I... wait, what good thing happened for me?

Laura:
You got a Bon Bon Bum! Don't worry. They're fat free.

Laura:
Four banana cream pies!

Joe:
Is Hanukkah ever this weird?

Adam:
Not really. Although sometimes Hanukkah comes in November which is really messed up. It's like you're just going about your business and then SURPRISE! HANUKKAH! It's pretty crazy.

Joe:
And that's how we became best friends.

Corri:
What about the dead body?

Joe:
There wasn't one. [Sadly] My parents just couldn't afford crayons.

Laura:
I want to see a dead body.

Joe:
Maybe later, Babe.

Joe:
So what do we do now? No TV. Cold food. Should we play a game?

Adam:
We could play a game of wine.

Laura:
How do you you play?

Adam:
Well, basically, we open the other bottles of wine that you ladies brought and then we drink them.

Laura:
How do you win?

Adam:
Everybody wins at wine, Laura. Everybody wins.

Adam:
Remember we went to see Halloween 5 for our first date and we had to bribe that high school kid to buy us the tickets because we weren't old enough?

Corri:
That's right! Hey, did they ever explain who that guy was at the end with the boots on that busted Michael Myers out of jail?

Adam:
[Bitter] Nope.

Joe:
Well, they actually tried in part 6 but... yeah... [Bitter] nope.

Lance Rockett:
What's in it for me?

Joe:
Oh, only a few free CDs I stole from Strawberries.

Lance Rockett:
[Looks in the bag] I already got Trixter.

Joe:
Right, but now you can have one that you can listen to and one that's unopened in it's original wrapping.

Lance Rockett:
[Thinks] That Trixter album will be a collector's item one day. OK, wait here.

Lance Rockett:
OK, now remember, you two have never seen me before in your life.

Joe:
Scout's honor.

Lance Rockett:
Wait. You're boy scouts? That's hot.

Corri:
Hey, speaking of surprises, do you remember when we set up Joe and laura on their first date?

Adam:
How could I forget.

Joe:
Greatest day of our lives, right Babe?

Laura:
Second greatest.

Joe:
What was the first greatest?

Laura:
[Looking at Adam angrily] The day that Jesus was born.

Adam:
Oh, come on! How is that the greatest day of your life? You weren't even alive then!

Laura:
Funny, I don't remember you being there.

Joe:
When that show starts I wanna get right to the front of the stage, OK? I wanna get so close that I can see Layne Staley's track marks.

Laura:
Sorry I'm late. Saw a dead raccoon on the road on my way over here. Had a bit of a struggle getting it into my trunk. It may not have been completely dead. But now it is.

Joe:
[Regarding Adam and Corri holding hands] Do you two ever stop? You've been holding hands forever.

Laura:
I'll hold your hand forever if you want.

Joe:
Do... do you...

Laura:
Do I what?

Joe:
Do you have five bucks? Parking.

Adam:
Corri, at least let me drive you home. Then I'll know you got home alright and I'd love to see your parents...

Corri:
-My parents don't need to see you, Adam.

Adam:
[to Corri] When I'm near you I'm happy. Like when we used to go to the movies, just being able to sit next to you, nothing else in the world can compare to that feeling of being near you. And I think that's why I picked this stupid career. It's so that I can always feel like I did when I was with you. And no matter how bad it gets and how many times I get rejected and told no... and how broke I am... I just keep going 'cause it's worth it because maybe I'll be able to feel like I did when I was with you. I am so in love with you how do you not see it? I just wanna be with you and... and... and marry- [His own tears cut him off]

Laura:
Didn't you boys get each other anything?

Joe:
We don't exchange gifts. It devalues the spirit of the holidays amongst dudes.

Adam:
We don't have any money.

Joe:
And there's that.

Corri:
Somebody just tell another story.

Adam:
How about how we got to know our boss Lance Rockett?

Laura:
Let me guess, you guys went into the cable station and applied for a job?

Joe:
[Speaking over Adam] Well it all started in High School...

Adam:
[Speaking over Joe] We were in High School and...

Joe:
Do you wanna...?

Adam:
No why don't you do it.

Joe:
No, no please.

Adam:
No, go ahead

Joe:
No, please.

Adam:
Clearly you wanna tell the story. It's all you.

Joe:
No, it's your flashback. You wrote it, so... please.

Adam:
Yeah, well, you know what? I don't even know it. So why don't you do it.

Joe:
Please.

Adam:
G'head.

Joe:
Please.

Adam:
G'head.

Joe:
Please.

Adam:
G'head.

Joe:
Please.

Adam:
[Finishes his wine. Puts it down. Looks back at Joe] G'head.

Joe:
[Puts down his wine] Please.

Corri:
Maybe if you both just split it up...

Adam:
SHHH! [He and Joe get into a stare off, neither of them willing to budge or say anything for an uncomfortable few minutes]

Laura:
Framingham sucks!

Adam:
And that's why Jewish people are smarter than everyone else. It all starts with the fact that Santa Claus isn't real - [Laura smacks him across the face] Ow! What was that for?

Laura:
Just getting you ready for the pain you'll feel when you burn in hell.

Adam:
[Smugly] Don't believe in hell.

Laura:
[Demonic voice] But hell believes... in you. [Turning to the camera with a Kermit the Frog impression] It's the Holliston Christmas Special, yaaaaay!

Crazy Max:
Ho, ho, ho! It's christ-max time at Crazy Max's discount mart in Holliston! Other stores call their December sales "holiday sales" because they don't want to offend anybody but I say F*** YOU it's Christmas! You say it's Hanukkah, too? NO ONE CARES!

Adam:
What are you still doing up?

Oderus Urungus:
I always stay up late on Christmas Eve. Been waiting for Santa Claus ever since I was a baby scumdog.

Adam:
But Santa never came?

Oderus Urungus:
He never came.

Adam:
Dude, I didn't know that you were Jewish, too!

Oderus Urungus:
Ewww! I may not deserve presents, but I'm not evil!

Adam:
Jewish people are NOT evil.

Oderus Urungus:
Tell it to Mel Gibson, my Hebrew friend. I saw the movie. I SAW THE MOVIE!

Corri:
[Regarding the mistletoe] We don't want to mess with tradition. I feel like messing with Jesus on Christmas and stuff is bad.

Adam:
No. Don't want to do that. I mean especially, it's not even my tradition, but you know I don't want to piss him off any more than my people already did. The whole, you know, throwing him out of the club, throwing him on the cross thing, he's still not over that and so it would just be really awkward. And then he'd come back and be all like "ALL THIS I DID FOR THEE! BRAINS! ARRGH!" and he'd eat me and then he'd eat Santa and Rudolph and Inspector Gadget or whatever you guys are into, I don't know. But I think we should do it for... we should do it for Jesus.

Corri:
We should do it for Jesus.

Christine Cringle:
PUNISH!

Laura:
Last night's show was balls. [Off of Adam and Joe's disappointed looks] It was funny.

Joe:
Oh, then you mean tits. Tits are good. Balls are bad.

Adam:
Wicked bad.

Adam:
I told you she was coming back! This is the greatest day of my life- [suddenly noticing Laura's painting] -that looks like an aborted clown fetus.

Laura:
It is.

Adam:
Ick.

Joe:
At least you get paid well. We get paid dick shooting commercials for Crazy Max's Discount Mart.

Adam:
It's a good kind of dick though.

Corri:
The Shocker remake is playing at the Framingham 14. That's the one where they kill the guy with electricity but it's also the...

Adam:
-Yeah, no. Not feeling so good.

Corri:
What's wrong?

Adam:
You wouldn't understand.

Corri:
Adam. I'm a nurse. I'll understand.

Adam:
Not this.

Corri:
Do you have loose stool?

Adam:
Do I- what? Ew! No! No, I don't have... stool! What the hell was that?

Corri:
You ran off to the bathroom so fast, I don't know!

Corri:
And we'll see you tomorrow night. Seven?

Adam:
Seven sounds tits.

Laura:
Tits are good.

Joe:
I thought there was a whole comedy time passage clause with tragic events.

Adam:
A time passage clause?

Joe:
Yeah, like for example the Challenger Space Shuttle explosion. 1986-87, not funny. Now...? [Off of Adam's look] What, still too soon?

Adam:
Too soon!

Adam:
[Crying and cutting his chest in the mirror with a straight razor] You're bad at sex! You're bad! You're bad at sex! Bad!

Adam:
[Crying and cutting his chest in the mirror with a straight razor] You're bad at love! You're so bad! You're bad at love! Bad!

Lance Rockett:
I still can't believe anyone tunes in for your horror movie garbage.

Adam:
People are tuning in?

Lance Rockett:
No. But it's a good test for when I launch my own show; Lance Rockett's Cock Rock and Metal Hour! All hair metal... [Points to Adam]

Adam:
All hour long?

Lance Rockett:
You get it.

Joe:
Wait, I didn't know you were dating someone.

Lance Rockett:
We met at my band's last show. Or should I say, we met back stage at my band's last show.

Adam:
The VFW Hall has a backstage?

Lance Rockett:
They've got a bathroom. [Licks the air between his fingers]

Lance Rockett:
You've been great! We've been Diver Down! Good night! Woooo!

Adam:
I can't date a girl if she's never seen Gremlins. She doesn't even know the three rules. It's dangerous.

Joe:
Christ, Axl!

Adam:
What?

Joe:
Your cat crapped behind the couch again.

Adam:
He just hasn't figured out the litter box yet.

Joe:
He's seven.

Adam:
He's getting it.

Joe:
He craps everywhere but the litter box. Stupid creature.

Adam:
Hey, he's not stupid. He's retarded. The vet said he's got Feline Down's Syndrome.

Joe:
All I'm saying is, plastic bag, pool at my Dad's house, done!

Joe:
Old high school girlfriends don't come back. They go off to college and they sleep with football teams.

Kevin:
The Exorcist is my favorite movie of all time.

Adam:
Thank you.

Joe:
Did you just think about scanning me?

Adam:
No.

Joe:
Yes! Yes you did! You totally just pulled a scanners on me you dick!

Oderus Urungus:
Adam, on my planet there is only one solution for a predicament like this. Like I always say, when love isn't going your way... pay for it.

Adam:
What, you mean like get an escort?

Oderus Urungus:
No, no, not an escort! Get a hooker. This way the sex is guaranteed.

Joe:
Dude, dude! So glad I found you! We need to get back to the apartment right away!

Adam:
Why? What's wrong?

Joe:
The cat's wicked depressed.

Adam:
Sounds serious. Let's go!

Corri:
Sit.

Adam:
[after he and Joe abruptly sit back down] The cat's wicked depressed?

Joe:
[Whispered] Whaat?

Adam:
This sucks. This sucks worse than the Halloween when I threw up in my mask.

Corri:
Well Adam, tell me about your girlfriend?

Adam:
Deanna? Oh she's great. She's so great. She's sort of like you just like... better? We um, we met at a charity function that she was putting on for... children with... bad cancer.

Joe:
Bad cancer?

Adam:
Wicked bad.

Corri:
Aw, so she does charity work?

Adam:
Yeah.

Joe:
Dude, I thought you and Deanna were...

Adam:
-were probably gonna get married some day? Pffft! That's so weird, see, that's what everyone says [nudging Laura] right?

Laura:
Huh?

Adam:
Yeah, see? It's just like people look at us and we just like exude total happiness and forever. You know, like you look at you guys and... not so much, I'm seeing maybe two maybe three months tops or whatever, but you look at us and it's like a permanent forever type thing, you know? And I'm gonna marry a girl... [tears in his eyes] and it's not gonna be you.

Corri:
Well I can't wait to meet her.

Adam:
Maybe some day.

Adam:
[to Corri] I love you. I loved you when we were little kids. I'm still in love with you now. And I will always be in love with you.

Sarah:
More coffee?

Joe:
I think I'll have another cup!

Deanna:
Who's this?

Corri:
Um. Who are you?

Deanna:
I'm Deanna.

Adam:
Whaaaat?

Deanna:
I'm his ex-girlfriend.

Adam:
No you're not. Go away random girl!

Deanna:
You know what, it's fine. You can have him. He cries during sex anyway. [She spills a drink in Adam's lap]

Corri:
Alright, what's going on here?

Adam:
That's what I want to know!

Joe:
Someday soon we'll be saying hello Hollywood and goodbye Holliston.

Excited Audience Member:
Woo! They said "Holliston", the name of the show AND the town!

Adam:
Hey man, He-Man called. He said that Hordak wants his look back.

Oderus Urungus:
Oh man! I've been rocking this look since way before the Evil Horde ever showed up on that show!

Laura:
Don't look at it! Keep your eyes shut!

Adam:
Um, anybody else notice that Joe sorta looks like Hitler in that painting?

Corri:
I did notice that, too. Yes.

Adam:
[Pointing to Corri] Ah.

Laura:
No he doesn't.

Adam:
He does.

Corri:
He really does.

Joe:
You know what i think? I think that you two are jealous. Hmm.

Adam:
Jealous of that? Dude, my Bar Mitzvah pictures just melted off the walls at my parents' house.

Joe:
Guess who's coming to Worcester this weekend?

Adam:
Rock N Shock's Weekend of Horrors.

Joe:
Not you.

Laura:
The circus!

Joe:
No.

Corri:
Rock N Shock's Weekend of Horrors?

Joe:
Yes!

Laura:
Damn it!

Joe:
Mr. John Landis was just added to the roster!

Adam:
Landis?

Joe:
Yes!

Laura:
You mean the black guy that sells out his friends and freezes them in carbonite?

Joe:
No, honey, that's Lando. Landis directed like all of our favorite movies.

Adam:
These horror conventions, they never get A-list director like that. It's always just actors signing autographs and charging money.

Corri:
Like who?

Joe:
You know, like, "Zombie #7" from Day of the Dead.

Adam:
Or that creepy little girl who had no lines in The Hills Have Eyes remake.

Joe:
Or Kane Hodder.

Corri:
Well that is so cool that you guys get to meet him!

Joe:
Oh we don't just get to meet him. We can hand him our trailer for Shinpads!

Corri:
You can just do that?

Adam:
Of course! Corri, there's nothing that celebrities appearing at a convention like more than when you hand them a pitch, or a screenplay, or a treatment, or a business card, or they want you to sign something but not put their name on it because they're gonna sell it on eBay later, or they wanna touch you inappropriately, or kiss you on the mouth and you don't know what they have, or hug you, and they stink and their smelly and their a dude. [Looks at camera]

Corri:
Can I come? I've always kinda wanted to check one of these things out and just people watch.

Joe:
Sure.

Laura:
I wanna go, too. But I'm not having dinner with Lando. Bad things will happen, Joe. Bad things.

Adam:
You guys can totally come, um, but first we're just gonna sorta need to do something about... [motions to Corri]... that.

Corri:
What, my b*obs?

Adam:
No, not your b*obs. Your whole "look at me, I shop at the mall" thing. Your b*obs are... awesome.

Corri:
OK, look, I might shop at the mall but I have been to Hot Topic.

Joe:
Yeah, but have you ever bought anything at Hot Topic?

Corri:
Oh, that stuff is for sale? I always just thought it was a museum of lame.

Joe:
So how was the Dangerous Toys concert?

Lance Rockett:
It was Faster Pussycat.

Joe:
There's a difference?

Adam:
A rock star handed you his beer and you drank it? Do you have any idea how many people that dude has probably been with or what diseases he might have?

Lance Rockett:
No.

Joe:
You do look a little tired there, Lance.

Lance Rockett:
I'm trying a new mascara.

Adam:
Come on, boss! You should know better than to share a drink from one of those filthy rock stars. Driving into town, wearing women's clothes, sticking their d*cks into everything that moves, spreading diseases, doing drugs...

Lance Rockett:
-Hey! [Breaking character] Some of us only wore women's clothing, OK?

Adam:
[Covered in goo and pointing back at his closet door] Woo! Do NOT go in there!

Danielle Harris:
Can I help you?

Adam:
You were awesome in Last Action Hero.

Danielle Harris:
I wasn't in Last Action Hero. It was Last Boy Scout, actually.

Adam:
You were good in that, too.

Horror Fan:
Who was the gaffer on American Werewolf in London?

Joe:
Maurice Gillett, duh! How many songs in the movie had the word "moon" in the title?

Horror Fan:
All of them, duh!

Laura:
[Aside to Corri] My boyfriend is so cool.

Joe:
Come on, man. Give me a real question.

Horror Fan:
OK, OK... what was the name of the dog that Rick Baker owned during production of the movie? Huh? Huh?

Joe:
Ah... um...

Horror Fan:
"Bosko"! Busted! Haha! Back of the line, dork!

Joe:
[Burying his head in Laura's shoulder] That guy was so mean.

Laura:
I'm sorry.

Corri:
[Flirting] Hey there.

Horror Fan:
No cutting in line, skank!

Joe:
Hey, Kane Hodder! Wow!

Kane Hodder:
Hey, that was a pretty funny joke you made about me earlier in the episode.

Joe:
What? How did you...

Kane Hodder:
[Punches Joe in the face and knocks him out cold] B*tch.

Kane Hodder:
I'm Kane.

Corri:
[Enamored] Hi, Kane!

Adam:
Is this guy bothering you, Corri?

Kane Hodder:
Hey, lay down there next to your b*tch.

Adam:
What? I'm not gonna...

Kane Hodder:
LAY DOWN!

Adam:
[Adam lays down on the floor next to Joe]

Kane Hodder:
So what's you number?

Corri:
Oh, it's um... 617... 89... 12...

Kane Hodder:
12? That's not even a number.

Adam:
Dude. You got beat up by Jason Voorhees! How cool is that?

Joe:
He hit me so hard I saw back into my childhood. It was awesome.

Adam:
Where did Corri run off to? She's been gone for like 22 minutes.

Laura:
She went to the bathroom to give herself a make-over because she felt so out of place here. That... and she might be taking a dump.

Adam:
No. Girls don't do that. Trust me, I dated Corri for like 7 years. That girl does not poo.

Laura:
Right. Us girls are like unicorns. We simply whisper glitter out of our bodies.

Corri:
[Regarding her new Goth outfit] I just threw this together in like 2 minutes.

Adam:
2 minutes? But what were you doing for the other 20?

Corri:
I had to go to the bathroom.

Adam:
Shh. No you didn't.

Joe:
You look like Marilyn Manson if he had bigger b*obs.

Corri:
Thank you.

Joe:
No, thank you.

Adam:
Thank you.

Laura:
Thank you.

Corri:
Has this line moved at all?

Joe:
Not an inch. Because this convention treats us handicapped people like DIRT! [Off of another guy's annoyed look in the handicapped line] Oh, what are you looking at, faker?

Anthony:
[Removes his prosthetic leg and hands it to Joe] Fake this, dude.

Joe:
Uh... that's... yeah, that's fair.

Adam:
Thank you. For your service.

Anthony:
I wasn't in the military. It was a boating accident.

Adam:
That's why I don't boat.

Joe:
Ahoy.

Corri:
Hi... [Reading her name tag]... "Goblin".

Goblin:
You should dye your hair black. Blonde is the color of conformity.

Corri:
Ah, I was born with it, so...

Goblin:
We're all born with sin. Pain is the only reality.

Corri:
Hey, don't you work at Express at the Natick Mall?

Goblin:
Sadness is my only wardrobe.

Corri:
No, wait, I totally know you. You're "April", right? You sold me that cute little...

Goblin:
-LEAVE ME ALONE! [Runs away crying]

Corri:
Poseur.

Joe:
Mr. Landis, we're actually making a movie and we wanted to give you the trailer that we're using to get funding.

Adam:
"Animal House" was awesome. [Does a John Belushi impression, jumping back and forth]

John Landis:
Thank you for that.

Adam:
You did a really good job with that one.

John Landis:
Thanks. So what's your movie called, guys?

Joe:
It's called "Shinpads".

John Landis:
"Shinpads".

Joe:
"Shinpads."

John Landis:
"Shinpads."

Adam:
"Shinpads"!

John Landis:
Yeah, that's a terrible title. But, you know what, they told me that about "Kentucky Fried Movie" so go for it.

Adam:
"Kentucky Fried Movie" was awesome.

John Landis:
Thank you.

Adam:
You did a really good job with that one.

Joe:
Well, our movie is about an undead soccer team who rises from the grave to get revenge.

John Landis:
OK.

Joe:
And well, we uh made this trailer and wanted to give it to you to see what you thought. If that would be OK. [Pointing to DVD] See, "Joe" and "Adam".

John Landis:
Sounds... good.

Corri:
What's up?

John Landis:
Hi, girls.

Laura:
You were such a dick to Han Solo.

Adam:
[Covering Laura's mouth] I'm sorry, she's Mexican.

Laura:
Colombian!

Adam:
Whatever, it's the same thing.

Corri:
[to Joe in his wheelchair] I'm not pushing you back to the car. [Waving to John Landis she breaks into the Michael Jackson "Thriller" dance and grabs her crotch] He-He! You did a really good job with that one.

Joe:
[Stands up out of his wheelchair] It was a pleasure meeting you, Sir. [He shakes John Landis' hand and exits, stopping to insult the Horror Fan behind him] Dork!

Person in crowd:
Praise, Jesus! John Landis made that man walk!

Joe:
Not to brag, but I gotta say it, Adam and I told Mr. Landis about our own horror movie "Shinpads" and he was very excited about it.

Adam:
Wicked excited about it! In fact, in his own words, Landis said...

Joe:
"Sounds... good."

Lance Rockett:
Did you really fight the guy who played "Jason"?

Joe:
It's a long story.

Adam:
Actually, no, it's a very quick story. Kane went "smack" and Joe went "boom." That was it.

Joe:
It wasn't like that. [Off of their looks] I'm bad at fighting.

Lance Rockett:
The doctor checked me out and said that burning sensation was from poor circulation. So I can't rock the leather pants for two weeks.

Joe:
[Motioning to Lance's pants] So what about those?

Lance Rockett:
These are pleather. Much more breathable.

Joe:
Ah.

Lance Rockett:
So close call, but the Love Rockett gets to love rock it again!

Adam:
Gross.

Lance Rockett:
Besides, doctor says the worst I could have caught from drinking somebody's beer is herpes and I've already beaten that several times.

Joe:
Don't you get herpes for life?

Lance Rockett:
[Motions to his face, his crotch, and his ass] Depends where on your body you get it.

Adam:
Again. Gross.

Lance Rockett:
You guys have a good show. 'Cause I've got dudes to rock and chicks to roll! See ya'll on Monday.

Joe:
See ya.

Lance Rockett:
[Exiting] Take it sleazy, boys! Horns high! Horns! High!

[Adam and Joe sip from their water bottles when Lance suddenly re-enters the room]

Lance Rockett:
Oh, P.S. Don't drink the water from this fountain. Doctor says I need to get the spout sterilized.

[Adam and Joe look at each other with their mouths full of water]

Lance Rockett:
Good night! Woo!

Adam:
Random insincere words of encouragement.

Laura:
Why is that every time someone wants to buy one of my paintings they're either a Neo-Nazi, a Satanist, or a registered sex offender?

Adam:
I don't know, Laura. [Motioning to her painting of Joe that looks like Hitler] Why do you think that is?

Joe:
Dude, Landis wrote us a letter! [Tosses the rest of the mail back out in the hallway]

Adam:
What? Woah, woah, woah what did you just do with all of our bills?

Joe:
What bills?

Adam:
The bills that you just threw back out in the hallway.

Joe:
What bills?

Adam:
Ah!

Joe:
I'm too excited! You read it! [He hands the letter to Laura]

Laura:
"Dear Joe and friend..."

Adam:
"And friend" I'm "and friend"? I don't even get my name on the letter?

Joe:
Will you shut up! [to Laura] Go on.

Laura:
"Dear Joe and friend. I watch... ed... I watched your... trailer for Ssss... Ssss... [She shows the letter to Corri] What's that word?

Corri:
"Shinpads."

Laura:
Oh. "Dear Joe and friend-"

Adam:
You already read that part! Skip ahead!

Laura:
"I watched your trailer for Shinpads... I app... apprecia... ate-"

Adam:
[Grabs the letter away from her and hands it to Corri] Fail. You read it.

Corri:
OK... "I watched your trailer for Shinpads. I thought it was humorous in the best way possible."

Laura:
"Humorous" isn't even a word.

Corri:
"And I think you both show a lot of promise as filmmakers. I wish you the best of luck in the future. Sincerely, John Landis."

Joe:
[Hugging Adam] Dude! Oh my God! Amazing! It's amazing! We gotta frame that!

Adam:
[Holding his hand out to Corri] Can I see it? [Corri holds the letter away from Adam's reach] Let me see it. [Corri holds the letter even further away. Adam sits on the couch defeated] What did it really say?

Corri:
"I watched your"... excuse me. [She clears her throat and then begins speaking with John Landis' voice] 'I watched your trailer for Shinpads. I appreciate making fun of inept and amateurish filmmaking as much as the next guy, but your absurd premise and hopeless execution is probably the worst thing that I have ever had the misfortune to watch. Once you two decide on a career that you may actually be good at, like pizza delivery boy or bagger at a minimart check-out stand, I will wish you the best of luck. Until then, if our paths cross in the future... please avoid me." [Back in her own voice] Sincerely, John Landis.

Laura:
[Making an angry fist] Lando.

Joe:
Let's celebrate. [He hands Adam a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka]

Adam:
Dude, where did you get a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka?

Joe:
I bought it.

Laura:
No I didn't.

Joe:
I stole it when we did the commercial for Bunghole Liquors.

Joe:
So what if one director didn't like our trailer? Guess what? We finished it. You know it's good. I know it's good. And I'm not gonna sit here and let one negative opinion just deflate all that we've done. You know who does that? Quitters. And what are we?

Adam:
We're complete and total losers.

Joe:
But we're not quitters! We have a kick ass trailer under our belt. We have each other. I have a ridiculously cute girlfriend who paints portraits of me. [Motioning to Adam and Corri] You two got over the awkwardness of breaking up and are now friends. And I am totally gonna pay you back that two hundred bucks I took from your room last week!

Adam:
You stole two hundred bucks from me?

Joe:
Stop being negative.

Corri:
You know what? I am totally with Joe on this. I think we need to have a drink. We need to celebrate the fact that everything is going to be OK. Your herpes are scabbing up nicely. We have nothing to look forward to but good times. So come on you guys. [Standing with her hand in the air] Come on! Who's with me?

Joe:
[Standing with his fist in the air] Me!

Laura:
[Standing with her hand out in a Nazi pose] Me! [Corri corrects her hand position]

Adam:
[Standing with them] Me.

Actor:
[Suddenly walking in with an automatic rifle] Me!

Actor:
Keep the change you filthy animals.

Oderus Urungus:
[Holding Axl the cat] Are we in this episode or not?