Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Is there one other brother in the house tonight?

[sees a black man]

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh! Yo, dawg, RUN! [audience laughs, including black man in question] Start up the car! I'll see you after the show!

Walter:
How long've you been married?

Jeff Dunham:
Fifteen years.

Walter:
You'll see.

Jeff Dunham:
See what?

Walter:
Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part"?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Walter:
Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.

Walter:
Dumbass.

Jeff Dunham:
What are you doing?

Peanut:
[exaggerated Japanese accent] Oh, speaking Japanese!

Jeff Dunham:
You don't know Japanese.

Peanut:
Yeah, I do; Toyota.

[audience laughs]

Peanut:
Oh, Godzilla!

Jeff Dunham:
That's not right.

Peanut:
Oh, you're right; it'd be...

[opens mouth and nothing comes out until after it closes]

Peanut:
Godzilla!

Jeff Dunham:
What's your favorite beer?

Bubba J.:
An open one.

Jeff Dunham:
How do you know when you drink too much?

Bubba J.:
I run out.

Peanut:
Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sana ta a nna!' Dumbass!

Jeff Dunham:
Do you have a drinking problem?

Bubba J.:
Nah, I have it pretty much figured out.

Walter:
Shut the hell up!

Jeff Dunham:
[Dunham is trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is] There's a lot of history in this city...

Peanut:
Translated:

[as Peanut moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words]

Peanut:
Old as SH*T!

Peanut:
Right in the middle of the show, I go "hey, stop sign, turn around, thank you, doing doing, horse shoe, turtle, digadigadiga."

[laughter]

Peanut:
Of course, this poor bastard's just signing away!

[laughter]

Peanut:
Then, just to really screw with him, I went...

[all in mime, Peanut moves his mouth as if talking, pretends to laugh, and moves his mouth some more]

Jeff Dunham:
The drive from the valley?

Peanut:
Was bad as hell!

Jeff Dunham:
Traffic?

Peanut:
Sucked like hell!

Jeff Dunham:
Drivers?

Peanut:
Angry as hell!

Jeff Dunham:
And you?

Peanut:
Were scared as hell!

Jeff Dunham:
Parking?

Peanut:
Sucked more like hell!

Jeff Dunham:
So?

Peanut:
We're in hell! [looks out at audience] And these are our hellmates! Think about it, next time somebody tells you to go hell, you come right here!

Jeff Dunham:
You know, you don't have to do this.

Walter:
Yeah, I could get a real job.

Jeff Dunham:
[chuckles] What would you do.

Walter:
I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart. [audience laughs] What the hell's so funny?

Jeff Dunham:
At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?

Walter:
Oh. [clears throat] Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your sh*t and get out! [audience laughs] Have a nice day.

Walter:
My wife and I heard that coffee's good for your sex life.

Jeff Dunham:
Coffee?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff Dunham:
Is it?

Walter:
No. It kept me awake through the whole damn thing! I actually had to participate. Doctor said it's bad for my heart, too.

Jeff Dunham:
All the caffeine?

Walter:
No, seeing my wife naked.

Jeff Dunham:
That's awful.

Walter:
Oh, you've seen her, too?

Jeff Dunham:
So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?

Walter:
I don't know. But, they're never gonna let us back into that Starbucks again.

Jeff Dunham:
Dear Walter, can you recommend a good proctologist? [Walter nudges towards Jeff]

Jeff Dunham:
Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times. You never answer my question. What gives?

Walter:
Let's skip that one.

Walter:
I used to chase skirts all over the world, until I got to Scotland, and, Boy, was I surprised!

Walter:
[answering questions submitted by the audience] "Why do I gag on my tootbrush but not when I'm performing oral sex on my boyfriend?" Well, obviously, the toothbrush is bigger.

Bubba J.:
AA is for quitters.

Jos? Jalape?o:
Do not drop me, Se?or.

Jeff Dunham:
I won't drop you, Jos?.

Jos? Jalape?o:
I will then be Jos? Jalape?o On The Floor.

Peanut:
Do a little tap dance and we got salsa!

Jeff Dunham:
That's terrible!

Peanut:
Not with the right kind of chips it's not.

Jeff Dunham:
Stop it! I'm sorry, Jos?.

Jos? Jalape?o:
It's okay.

Jeff Dunham:
Okay.

Jos? Jalape?o:
I kick his ass later.

Peanut:
I'll turn your ass into guacamole!

Jeff Dunham:
Stop it.

Peanut:
I'll stir you with your own stick!

Jeff Dunham:
Stop it.

Peanut:
[makes a stirring motion with his arm] This is the way we stir the guac! Stir the guac! Stir the guac! OL?!

Jeff Dunham:
And you're happy to be here?

Peanut:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
You're happy to be here?

Peanut:
Oh yes I am!

[lays head on Jeff's shoulder; Jeff pushes him away]

Peanut:
Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me!

Jeff Dunham:
Are you married?

Bubba J.:
Yep.

Jeff Dunham:
Your wife pretty?

Bubba J.:
Ye... no!

Jeff Dunham:
What's the difference?

Bubba J.:
The light.

Jeff Dunham:
So did you date for a while?

Bubba J.:
Yup.

Jeff Dunham:
You propose?

Bubba J.:
No, her daddy did that.

Jeff Dunham:
How did that happen?

Bubba J.:
I went over to her house one night, was supposed to pick her up at seven, showed up at seven thirty. Her daddy was out on the porch with his shotgun, he said, "Hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late?"

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?

Walter:
It's like drinking a slurpy.

Jeff Dunham:
A slurpy.

Walter:
First couple of sips, it's like "Boy this is really good! I'm glad I did this!" Then you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go "Ow, Ow, Ooooow! What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!"

Jeff Dunham:
It eventually stops hurting.

Walter:
Yeah, and then you're stupid enough to take another freakin' sip!

Jeff Dunham:
So, Jos?, what makes you happiest in life?

Jos? Jalape?o:
My BMW.

Jeff Dunham:
You have a BMW?

Peanut:
Yeah, a Big Mexican Woman.

Jos? Jalape?o:
On a stick!

Peanut:
You know what else pissed me off today?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
Trying to use my cell phone.

Jeff Dunham:
Having some trouble?

Peanut:
Just like the stinking commercials. "Can you hear me now? How about now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Now?" You know what you *don't* hear in those commercials?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
The other end of the conversation!

[laughter]

[Peanut gives a few stammers, then pantomimes the phone cutting off]

Peanut:
"What a piece of sh*t!"

Peanut:
I hate the traffic reports; they're a waste of time.

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Peanut:
Let me do the traffic reports. I'll save everyone a lot of time and money.

Jeff Dunham:
All right.

Peanut:
"Hey Peanut, it's eight o'clock in the morning. There's a lot of traffic out there. What's going on?"

[Peanut holds his hand up to his mouth]

Peanut:
"It's eight o'clock in the morning!"

[laughter]

Peanut:
"Everyone left their house at the same damn time!"

[laughter]

Peanut:
"Back to you! Call me back at five thirty; I'll tell you the same thing. Only guess what? They're going the other way!"

[laughter]

[about performing in Washington, D.C]

Peanut:
About five minutes into the show I happen to look down, about where you're sitting, dude, there was a guy sitting right there where you are, but he was facing *that* way!

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Peanut:
And every time I spoke, he would do this:

[Peanut makes various movements with his hands]

Peanut:
And I'd go "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the guy goes

[makes the hand gestures again]

Peanut:
It was a signer!

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Peanut:
A *signer*! Think about this for a second: they brought a bunch of deaf people to see

[gesturing to Jeff]

Peanut:
the ventriloquist!

[laughter]

Peanut:
What? What do you do next, take a bunch of blind folks to see David Copperfield?

[laughter]

Peanut:
It's hard to talk to somebody if you're not looking right at them.

Jeff Dunham:
I know.

Peanut:
That's like trying to talk to somebody who has a lazy eye; you don't know which eye to focus on. You ever done that? You're sitting talking to them, thinking "aw, crap. Should I be looking at *that* eye or *that* eye?"

[Peanut holds his hand to his mouth in consideration]

Peanut:
"FOCUS, YOU MORON!"

[laughter, as Peanut does the "over the head" movement with his hand]

Peanut:
[off Jeff's look] What?

Jeff Dunham:
What if someone here has a lazy eye?

Peanut:
I'll confuse them.

[moving around on his stand]

Peanut:
Here I am. No, I'm here. Here. Here. Here.

[laughter, as Jeff covers his face in embarrassment]

Jeff Dunham:
I'm sorry.

Peanut:
You know what pesto is?

Jeff Dunham:
Pesto. It's the stuff that goes on salad and pizza...

Peanut:
No. Pesto.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
It's a magician with a harelip.

[laughter]

Peanut:
[lisping] Pethto!

[laughter]

Peanut:
Da da da! Pethto!

Jeff Dunham:
What if someone here has a harelip?

Peanut:
[to audience] Thorry!

Jeff Dunham:
Oh, stop it!

[after Peanut's story of screwing with a signer for deaf people to confuse him]

Jeff Dunham:
The sad part is, this is all completely true.

Jeff Dunham:
Peanut, where are we?

Peanut:
...you don't know?

Jeff Dunham:
I don't think you know.

Peanut:
I forgot.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
I forgot.

Jeff Dunham:
You forgot?

Peanut:
Yeah. We go so many damn places, I *forgot*.

[Peanut smiles at the audience; laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
Where are we?

Peanut:
I DON'T KNOW!

[laughter]

Peanut:
Help me out.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
Help me ou-T.

[Jeff reacts as if he's been spit on]

Peanut:
Sorry.

[off Jeff's look, Peanut starts a staring contest]

Peanut:
I will never *blink*!

Jos? Jalape?o:
Purple bastard.

Peanut:
Mexican condiment.

Jeff Dunham:
A condiment?

Jos? Jalape?o:
I do not use them.

Peanut:
You don't?

Jos? Jalape?o:
And neither did your mother.

[laughter]

Peanut:
You should get drunk and go to a strip club.

Jeff Dunham:
[confused] Why?

Peanut:
You'd be throwing your voice in places it should NEVER come from.

[laughter]

Peanut:
A girl comes dancing up to the table, and all of a sudden everyone hears "Let me out!"

[laughter]

Peanut:
"It's dark in here!"

[laughter]

Peanut:
"No coins, please!"

Jeff Dunham:
Oh, stop it!

[Peanut can't remember where they're performing]

Jeff Dunham:
I wrote it down for you.

Peanut:
Oh, good. You wrote it down.

[Peanut looks at the scrap of paper]

Peanut:
Ah, yes. I love coming to

[looks at the paper again, and sounds it out phonetically]

Peanut:
Sah... na tah... ah... na.

[laughter]

Peanut:
What the hell is that?

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
Will you please tell these people I don't abuse drugs?

Peanut:
Okaaay!

[Peanut turns to audience]

Peanut:
[seriously] Jeff does not abuse drugs.

Jeff Dunham:
Thank you.

Peanut:
He's an alcoholic.

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
What are you doing?

Peanut:
Talking to Jose in his native tounge.

Jeff Dunham:
Well, don't do that.

Peanut:
Why not?

Jeff Dunham:
Well, it makes me feel... left out.

[laughter]

Peanut:
[confused] HUH?

Jeff Dunham:
Well, I don't speak Spanish.

[laughter, as Peanut and Jose turn to stare at Jeff]

Jos? Jalape?o:
[sings the "Twilight Zone" theme]

Peanut:
[mimicking Rod Serling] Picture if you will...

Peanut:
You, sir, with the blonde hair and the glasses, what is your first name?

[audience member:
"Terry."]

Peanut:
[sing-song] Terry! And what do you do for a living, Terry! ?

[Terry:
"I'm a business analyst."]

Peanut:
A... a business analyst. *Fascinating*!

[laughter]

Peanut:
How the hell does that work? Do you go to a business and say

Peanut:
[Peanut holds his hand to mouth in thought] Mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm... You... are a business.

[laughter]

Peanut:
Oh, I love coming to, uh... uh... this town right here!

Jeff Dunham:
Which one?

Peanut:
This one.

Jeff Dunham:
Which is?

Peanut:
[uncertainly] The one we're in right now...?

[from DVD gag reel]

Peanut:
...even with this guy. And suddenly in the middle of the show, I went "Hey! Stop sign, upstairs, thank you, turn around, doing doing, horseshoe, turtle, digadigadigadiga"

[Peanut's tuft of hair falls off; raucous laughter]

Peanut:
[after feeling his head and pointing to an audience member] Now I look like that guy!

[laughter; Jeff jumps down into the audience and walks over to a bald headed man and makes Peanut hug him]

Peanut:
[to an audience member in the front row] Can we borrow your chaaiirr?

[laughter; the man stands up and offers Jeff his chair]

Peanut:
Thanks. Oh, and thanks for dressing for the show.

[Jeff climbs back onto the stage and picks up Peanut's hair tuft]

Peanut:
[to the bald audience member] Would you like to buy this?

[laughter]

Peanut:
[Jeff holds the tuft up to Peanut's chin] I'm Colonel Sanders.

[laughter]

Peanut:
Okay, put it back. Be careful, be careful! Ow ow ow ow OWWW!

[laughter]

Peanut:
I'll kick your ass!

[laughter]

Peanut:
HWAA!

[Peanut assumes a karate stance]

Peanut:
[in exaggerated Japanese] Ho, grasshopper... if you can take the pebble from my hand, I no longer kick your ass.

Jeff Dunham:
What are you doing?

Peanut:
Peanut Fu.

Jeff Dunham:
What happened to kung fu?

Peanut:
Can't do kung fu.

Jeff Dunham:
Why not?

Peanut:
Cause to do kung fu, you have to be able to use both arms, and this one's kind of f***ed up.

[Peanut gestures to his limp right arm]

Peanut:
[as Jeff puts Peanut's hair back in] Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow! This sucks, this sucks! Really bad, this sucks! Damn it!

[off audience laughter]

Peanut:
[straightening up with his hair back in] Shut up.

Walter:
I knew a girl in India! Weird-ass country, though...

Jeff Dunham:
Why's that?

Walter:
All the girls have this red dot on their forehead. What the hell does that mean? "You are here"

Jeff Dunham:
[look of shock]

Walter:
Maybe it lights up when the coffee's ready.

Walter:
Stop it...

Walter:
Scratch it off, and you fricken' win something...

Jeff Dunham:
WILL YOU STOP IT!

[they argue with the microphones muted]

Walter:
[brief pause] Hey, look's like she's videotaping me ALL THE TIME!

Jeff Dunham:
[holds head in embarrassment]

Jeff Dunham:
How're you doing, Peanut?

Peanut:
Doin' pretty good! How 'bout you?

Jeff Dunham:
I'm fine.

Peanut:
That's goodidy, that's good, that's GOOD!

Peanut:
Well, looks like we got a pretty good crowd tonight!

Jeff Dunham:
You like it here?

Peanut:
Ooh, I love coming here to... to... to... this town right here.

Jeff Dunham:
Which town?

Peanut:
This one.

Jeff Dunham:
Which is...

Peanut:
The town we're in right now!

Jeff Dunham:
Anything else, Walter?

Walter:
I don't know. Last night, I couldn't find a place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint. Then some jerk pulled up in a brand-new Mercedes, goes right in the handicap spot. He got out of the car and there was nothing wrong with him! Don't you hate that?

Audience:
Yeah!

Walter:
So I ran his ass over. I made an honest man out of him. Then his mother got out on the other side and started swinging her crutches at me! Took her out with the door.

Jeff Dunham:
How are you doing, Sweet Daddy?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, no, it's not Sweet Daddy, it's SWEEEEEET Daddy Deeee! Ha-HAAAA!

Jeff Dunham:
I'm happy to call you my new manager.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I am what you call a player in a management profession.

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
P.I.M.P.

Jeff Dunham:
You're a pimp?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
That makes you the ho.

Jeff Dunham:
So, uh, Bubba J., what does the J stand for?

Bubba J.:
Uh, my last name is Junior.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh. Well, it's a good thing they didn't name you "Junior".

Bubba J.:
Yeah, that'd be dumb. Junior Junior. [laughs] That's my brother's name.

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, are you happy to be here?

Walter:
[sarcastically] Overjoyed! Last week, I was lying on a beach in Maui, and I couldn't decide, gee, should I stay in Hawaii or go to frickin' Santa Ana? My god, I can die happy now.

Jeff Dunham:
Fine city.

Walter:
I don't give a damn.

Jeff Dunham:
Come on, Walter, at your age, how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?

Walter:
Febreze?

Jeff Dunham:
How are you doing, Bubba J.?

Bubba J.:
I'm doin' pretty good!

Jeff Dunham:
I'm glad you're here.

Bubba J.:
Yeah, I was fixin' to come here, and I went out the front door to come here and I came here and I got here and here I am!

Jeff Dunham:
[about NASCAR] Sweet Daddy says it's just a bunch of guys driving in a circle.

Bubba J.:
Oh, I know! That's my favorite part! They're makin' a left turn!

[laughs]

Bubba J.:
It's a sport that's easy to follow when you're hammered.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter] What's wrong with you?

Walter:
I don't know. It's hot as hell outside. My skin's all dry and itchy. You put me in a sweater. I'm sure as hell not gonna ask you for lotion.

Jeff Dunham:
[talking about Walter's wife] She's a lovely lady.

Walter:
She's getting old.

Jeff Dunham:
Well, women age like... like fine wine.

Walter:
She's aging like milk!

Peanut:
Sana tah ah-nna? What is it, a frickin' Indian reservation? What the hell?

[looks up]

Peanut:
Sana tah ah-nna! How!

Jeff Dunham:
[softly, to Peanut about Jos?] You were supposed to have taken him to the spa.

Peanut:
[whispering] I took him to the spa!

Jos? Jalape?o:
He put me in the vegetable steamer. [Peanut stares as everyone laughs]

Peanut:
It's the same thing!

Jeff Dunham:
It's not the same thing!

Peanut:
It is too! It gets hot and then it gets steamy and then it goes "ding"!

Jos? Jalape?o:
My name Jos?.

Peanut:
Jos? what?

Jos? Jalape?o:
Jos? Jalape?o.

Jeff Dunham:
I see.

Jos? Jalape?o:
On a stick.

Peanut:
And you're Mexican?

Jos? Jalape?o:
No, se?or, Mexicans are from Mexico.

Jeff Dunham:
I see.

Jos? Jalape?o:
I am Cuban.

Jeff Dunham:
Ah.

Jos? Jalape?o:
I'm from Florida.

Bubba J.:
I'm tired of hearin' that most NASCAR fans drink too much.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh, 'cause it's not true?

Bubba J.:
Oh, no, it's true, I'm just tired of hearing it. Makes me thirsty for another beer.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Jos?] Are you always happy?

Jos? Jalape?o:
I'm not happy on Halloween.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh.

Peanut:
What the hell is wrong with Halloween?

Jos? Jalape?o:
There are no costumes on a stick.

Peanut:
You can be a fudgesicle!

Jeff Dunham:
[referring to Walter's encounter with two people in a handicap parking spot] Good thing the cops didn't see you.

Walter:
I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
Cops on bicycles.

Jeff Dunham:
What's wrong with that?

Walter:
How intimidating is this? "All right, buddy, pull over." Ching-ching, ching-ching! What do they do there when they arrest somebody? "All right, in the basket."

Jeff Dunham:
How long have you been married?

Walter:
Ah, what is it now? Uh, 46 years.

Jeff Dunham:
Ah. What was the happiest moment of your life?

Walter:
Forty-*seven* years ago.

Jeff Dunham:
[Sweet Daddy Dee calls him a ho] I'm not a whore.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
What do you do for a living?

Jeff Dunham:
Make people laugh.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Make 'em feel good.

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You the ho.

Jeff Dunham:
That's not right.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Why do you do what you do?

Jeff Dunham:
Why? Because I enjoy it and it's the best way I know to make money.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You the ho!

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute, what if I said I do it ONLY because I enjoy it?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You the dumb ho. Ha-HAAA!

Jeff Dunham:
[to Bubba J] Besides beer, do you ever have wine at the track?

Bubba J.:
Yeah, I have box wine.

Jeff Dunham:
Box wine?

Bubba J.:
Yeah, it is wine that comes in a box.

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Bubba J.:
It's great, 'cause if you had too much to drink, then you got something to throw up in.

Jeff Dunham:
What else happened?

Peanut:
It happened when we were getting out of the car today.

Jeff Dunham:
Out of the car? What happened?

Jos? Jalape?o:
He slammed my stick in the door. And now I have a sore stick.

Jeff Dunham:
Peanut, did you apologize?

Peanut:
[snickers, then shakes head] No.

Jeff Dunham:
Why not?

Peanut:
'Cause I couldn't. I couldn't breathe!

Jeff Dunham:
Why couldn't you breathe?

Jos? Jalape?o:
Because he was laughing too hard.

Peanut:
[laughs silently, then gasps for breath] I mean, it was funny! He looked like a hood ornament from Taco Bell!

Jeff Dunham:
Well, you're just gonna have to apologize.

Peanut:
All right, all right, all right! Jos?, I'm... [small voice] I'm sorry.

Jos? Jalape?o:
It's okay.

Jeff Dunham:
Okay.

Jos? Jalape?o:
I hope you die.

Walter:
It ain't the same anymore, is it?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
Being married all these years.

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Walter:
You can't look at other women now, you can't talk to 'em, you can't do nothin'!

Jeff Dunham:
What are you talking about?

Walter:
I'll show you what I'm talking about. [looks out at a female audience member] See this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row? This gorgeous young thing? Do you see her? Do you see her?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Walter:
Oh well. Only thing you can do now is run to the end of your chain and bark!

Sweet Daddy Dee:
[to Jeff] Dawg, you're not white, you are *neon* white! You so white, you make Barry Manilow look like a brother!

Jeff Dunham:
Bubba J., when you go to a NASCAR race and you party a lot, who is your designated driver?

Bubba J.:
What the f*** is that?

Jeff Dunham:
Do you drive drunk?

Bubba J.:
No, officer! I'm practicing.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter about his wife] Did you guys get into another argument this morning?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff Dunham:
What happened?

Walter:
I don't know. She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle, and ran my ass over.

Jeff Dunham:
Never heard it put quite that way before.

Walter:
Oh, it even has a sound. It goes, "Nag, nag-nag-nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, biiiitch, b*tch-b*tch, b*tch-b*tch!"

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter] So your wife's in town?

Walter:
Oh yeah.

Jeff Dunham:
She having a good time?

Walter:
She always has a good time.

Jeff Dunham:
Good.

Walter:
Pisses me off.

Jeff Dunham:
[about Santa Ana] They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing...

Peanut:
Polish a turd, it's still a turd!

Jeff Dunham:
Look, Sweet Daddy, who are some of your other clients?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, I can't tell you that.

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I gotta protect their anonymity.

Jeff Dunham:
Well, give us a hint. How about some initials?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
O.J. Oh, sh*t!

[repeated line]

Sweet Daddy Dee:
That's funny sh*t right there!

Jeff Dunham:
Bubba J, don't you worry about your health?

Bubba J.:
Huh?

Jeff Dunham:
Your health.

Bubba J.:
Oh, like what?

Jeff Dunham:
Your liver.

Bubba J.:
Ah, no. My last abduction was that aliens took it.

Jeff Dunham:
You think you got abducted by aliens?

Bubba J.:
I don't think, I know! They took me and they stuck something in my butt. And not in the good way.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Peanut and Jos?] I understand you guys had a good day today?

Peanut:
Yes, we had a great day.

Jos? Jalape?o:
No, we did not.

Peanut:
Yes.

Jos? Jalape?o:
No.

Peanut:
Yes.

Jos? Jalape?o:
[hacking voice] No, we did not have a good day.

Peanut:
[mocking Jos?'s hacking] Yes, we had... a great frickin' DAY!

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, how's the love life?

Walter:
You mean sex?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Walter:
I'm married, you moron! I'm too old, too.

Jeff Dunham:
You're not too old.

Walter:
How would you know?

Jeff Dunham:
I don't know, but I do know I have grandparents who are well into their 80s. They're still having fun.

Walter:
Their 80s?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Walter:
Good god! What the hell kind of sex is that?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Let's make an analogy here.

Jeff Dunham:
An analogy?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
If we were foods, I would be a fine summer wine that would divine anytime.

Jeff Dunham:
Ah. What about me?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Every good wine needs a cracker.

Jeff Dunham:
Bubba J, have you ever had an intervention?

Bubba J.:
Yeah, and penicillin cleared it right up. Stupid cousin! It was a second cousin. That's a gray area.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
[from offstage, responding to Peanut and Jos?'s exchange] Ah, that's funny sh*t right there! That is funny sh*t!

[Jeff, Peanut and Jos? look around, confused]

Peanut:
[to Jeff] Whoa! That was really good! You gotta work on it a little, though.

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Peanut:
'Cause from here, it sounded like it came out of my ass.

Jos? Jalape?o:
Now I have somewhere to put my stick.

Walter:
[about his wife] You know what oral sex for us is?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
She screams, "Screw you!", and I yell, "Bite me!"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
[about NASCAR] What kind of three-and-a-half hours is this? Look, they're making a left turn! Oh, they're making another left turn! Oh, they're making another left turn! I wonder what's gonna happen next? Let's go to commercial! Come back in ten minutes, you ain't gonna miss a f***ing thing!

Jeff Dunham:
[about having his luggage hand checked at Burbank airport] Now, they have these swabs, and they swab whatever it is they're looking at. They then take the piece of material, they put it in the analyzer, it then checks to see if your stuff has come into contact with anything dangerous; chemicals, whatever. So the guy has Peanut in one hand, swab in the other. This is all true; it's too stupid to make up.

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
He could have swabbed Peanut on the head, on the foot, no. In front of God and everybody, he swabs his butt, just like that.

[pantomimes, to roars of laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
I know it's only a puppet, but I work with the guy.

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
There's a relationship here. And I'm sitting there watching this, and the first thing I find myself thinking is "You sick bastard!"

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
"What the hell? Why are you wiping my friend's butt?"

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
He then takes the swab, puts it in the machine, shuts the door. I think we're finished, we start to put things away, suddenly the little machine goes

[imitates a warning buzzer]

Jeff Dunham:
Three more guys come out, they have me up against the wall, they're checking my ID, they're doing a background check on the Internet, they're going through all my stuff. It takes fifteen minutes. Now we're finished, everything was fine. Then we start to put things back. And then I start to think "What the hell was on Peanut's butt that labeled me the potential terrorist?"

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
And this is all true. I ask the guy, and he goes "Well, it's all in the code on the computer. Let's see."

[pantomimes typing]

Jeff Dunham:
And he goes, uh, "That would be, uh, military grade plastic explosives." And I go...

[laughs, then worried]

Jeff Dunham:
"What?"

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
And he goes "Well, sometimes the machine confuses lotion for that", and I went...

[feigns laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
"No, there's no lotion on the puppet's ass. I've been building bombs in my garage. You caught me, Skippy. Thanks for straightening me out." I don't ever want to go through the Burbank airport again. There's only a small number of these guys that do all the checking; I know next time I go through, they'll all be standing in a group and one of them will point and go "There he is. There's the gay puppet bomber. There was lotion on his puppet's ass."