Jessie

Luke Ross:
You forgot something!

Luke Ross:
Jessie, help! Haha, your under the mistletoe!

Jessie Prescott:
Haha, your underage!

Emma Ross:
Large ornaments on the top, smaller ornaments on the bottom, and gold and silver tinsel must NEVER cross.

Luke Ross:
Emma's a little OCD. Obsessed with Christmas details.

Emma Ross:
Luke, the pattern was cranberry cranberry popcorn cranberry! You did popcorn popcorn cranberry popcorn!

Luke Ross:
I know, and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life!

Jessie Prescott:
One time, I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code, and it collapsed on a little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.

Bertram:
I'll be wearing it when I frolic through the crystal blue waters of Mexico!

Luke Ross:
And here's my impression of the fish when he does [Screams dramatically]

Darla Shannon:
[sees Jessie splattered in food and approaches her] Jessie? [walks over to Jessie's table] Jessie Prescott, is that you? [chuckles] I see you're still having trouble with your table manners!

Jessie Prescott:
[annoyed] Hey Darla. [sarcastically] Nice to see you too.

Zuri Ross:
*That's* Darla? She doesn't look like a witch!

Jessie Prescott:
Oh yeah? Throw some water on her and we can send her home in a bucket!

Darla Shannon:
[Jessie and Darla laugh slightly] I see you're still babysitting! What happened to that big acting career you were gonna have?

Jessie Prescott:
Oh, it's... it's going well. It just takes time.

Darla Shannon:
Talent might help too. Meanwhile, I've been travelling all over the world as a flight attendant!

Jessie Prescott:
Really? Cuz, I heard you were on the Galveston to Amarillo run. Luckily, I don't have a job where I have to run around waiting on people!

Ravi Ross:
Jessie, I need milk!

Luke Ross:
Jessie, take my tray!

Zuri Ross:
Jessie, my nose is still runny!

Darla Shannon:
At least they're calling you. Unlike *all* the boys in high school!

Luke Ross:
[approaching Darla, annoyed] Hey, that's my lady you're talking to!

Darla Shannon:
You finally did catch a man! But this one's so small, you might wanna throw him back!

Jessie Prescott:
[running up to Emma and sees her with Caleb] Emma, what are you doing with Darla's brother?

Emma Ross:
[gazing into his eyes] Watching his eyes sparkle in the sunlight! See, it's happening right now. And now. And now!

Darla Shannon:
[approaching Caleb and Emma] Caleb! Stay away from them! You don't wanna be seen with these weaklings!

Jessie Prescott:
[scoffs] Who're you calling "weak"? You should see this one tear through the mall on Black Friday! [Darla stares at Jessie, confused]

Emma Ross:
[holding up her nails] I sharpen my nails with diamonds the night before.

Caleb Shannon:
[coming over to Emma] I love a girl who fights for what she wants!

Emma Ross:
[linking arms with Caleb] I'd shop for *you* in the hunks department!

Jessie Prescott, Darla Shannon:
[in unison, to Emma and Caleb] KNOCK IT OFF!

Caleb Shannon, Emma Ross:
[in unison] WHY?

Darla Shannon:
Because the Prescott's and the Shannon's are sworn enemies.

Emma Ross:
But I'm not a Prescott *or* a Shannon!

Jessie Prescott:
Oh, there's a babysitting clause in the feud; it's... it's complicated; but trust me, you're covered!

Emma Ross:
But I really like Caleb!

Darla Shannon:
Well, tough! You can't go against the feud! Huh, *which* has gone back for years all the way to the 20th century!

Caleb Shannon:
I don't know why our families are fighting!

Darla Shannon:
It all started when our grand pappy Shannon loaned their grand pappy Prescott a corn picker; and he returned it broken!

Jessie Prescott:
It was already broken! Your grand pappy lied to get a new corn picker! [Darla chuckles softly and tries to shake it off] That's why they called him "Shifty Shannon"!

Caleb Shannon:
But that's all ancient history!

Emma Ross:
No one even *remembers* the 20th century!

Darla Shannon:
Well, I *do* remember when Jessie borrowed and broke my Queasy Bake Oven!

Jessie Prescott:
It was already broken!

Darla Shannon:
Typical Prescott!

Emma Ross:
Well, Caleb and I don't care about you're shifty grand pappies and your queasy corn pickers!

Jessie Prescott:
[scoffs] Then *you* are no Prescott!

Emma Ross:
Correct! Despite whatever paperwork you have to the contrary!

Jessie Prescott:
[sees Mrs Kipling approach the dog, Paton, then he whips her tail at Paton] See? Even Mrs. Kipling's tiny *lizard brain* understands the feud!

[Mrs Kipling hits Jessie with her tail]

Jessie Prescott:
Sorry!

Darla Shannon:
[to Caleb] Caleb, stay away from Emma, OK?

[then turns to Jessie and says]

Darla Shannon:
Like all us cool kids stayed away from Jessie in high school, heh!

[pulling Caleb by the arm]

Darla Shannon:
Come on!

Jessie Prescott:
[calling out after Darla] Yeah, like I wanted to hang out with you anyway! In the *jerk lounge*, cause you're a JERK!

Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott:
[appearing behind Jessie and heard what she said] JESSIE! I can't believe you said that!

Jessie Prescott:
Yeah, I know. I should've gone with "loser lounge".

Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott:
I mean, I can't believe you just insulted her!

Emma Ross:
I can't believe you and Darla are ruining my life!

[running off]

Jessie Prescott:
OK, she didn't break it down, but it's like 95% Darla.

Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott:
I specifically told you to get along with Darla, and once again, you can't follow a simple order!

Jessie Prescott:
You're my *dad*, not my drill sergeant! You can't order me around anymore! I'm an adult!

Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott:
Oh really? Cause you're sure acting like a child!

Jessie Prescott:
Nuh-uh! She started it!

Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott:
I rest my case! You know I was really hoping we weren't gonna argue this weekend, but instead we were right back where we left off. This visit's turning out to be very disappointing.

[Jessie's dad walks off, upset]

Bertram:
I never thought of anyone coming back for seconds of *your* gruel!

Corporal Cookie:
[groans] I don't get it! What does your food have that mine doesn't?

Bertram:
Hmm, flavour, texture, fewer fingernails.

Jessie Prescott:
[coming to the kitchen, upset] I need 3 gallons of Neapolitan and a weapons grade spoon!

Bertram:
Sorry, tonight's dessert is mini fruit compote.

Jessie Prescott:
That'll do!

[Jessie takes one of the trays of compote and starts stuffing her face, and sits on one of the large food tins]

Jessie Prescott:
You're not gonna believe what's going on!

Bertram:
I'm not gonna care either, I'm busy!

Jessie Prescott:
I came here to smooth things over with my dad, but all he seems to care about is if I connect with *Darla*! When all I wanna do is connect her face to a hornet's nest.

Bertram:
[sees Corporal Cookie ladle the chicken with sauce] NO!

Jessie Prescott:
I'm not actually gonna do it! It wouldn't be fair to the hornets.

Bertram:
I meant, no, don't *drown* my chicken in sauce, *drizzle* it!

Corporal Cookie:
Oh, you mean like this?

[she flicks sauce on Bertram and it lands on Jessie's shoes]

Jessie Prescott:
Hey! You spilled that on my fake designer shoes! You owe me 20 bucks! Plus shipping. [she stuffs the rest of the compote in her mouth]

Corporal Cookie:
Does this one ever stop yakking about her problems?

Bertram:
No. Just wait til she starts in about her ex-boyfriends!

Corporal Cookie:
She's single? I'm *shocked*! [Bertram and Corporal Cookie laugh loudly to themselves]

Jessie Prescott:
[sarcastically] Thanks for the sympathy. [stuffs another compote in her mouth]

Bertram:
Hey, take it easy! I only made 3,000 of those! [tries to take the tray away from Jessie, but Jessie pulls it away]

Caleb Shannon:
[Emma is pacing up and down waiting for Caleb, Caleb shows up behind her with a bunch of roses] Hey. [Emma elbows him and he falls down to the ground]

Emma Ross:
Caleb! I'm so sorry! Did I hurt you?

Caleb Shannon:
No, I'm fine, the thorns broke my fall. [he gives Emma the bunch of thorns, with no roses on it]

Emma Ross:
Oh, they're beautiful! I love... [looking at the flowerless plant] stems. [She throws them on the ground]

Caleb Shannon:
Did Jessie teach you that move for self-defence?

Emma Ross:
No. To get to the front row of a One Direction concert.

Caleb Shannon:
Yeah, sorry I'm late. I had to sneak past *Darla*. We don't have long, cause she finds me and serves me a beverage. And offers me this tiny useless pillow!

Emma Ross:
[sighs] It's not fair that *we* have to sneak around because of *their* stupid feud!

Caleb Shannon:
I know. It's like we're the original star-crossed lovers!

Emma Ross:
Bella and Edward?

Caleb Shannon:
No. Romeo and Juliet. [quoting Juliet Capulet from Romeo and Juliet] Tis but thy name that my enemy. That which we call a *Ross* by any other name would smell as sweet.

Emma Ross:
Roses are red, violets are blue, you talk pretty. Me likey you too! [close up of Mrs Kipling approaching Paton, carrying a rose] [looking at Paton and Mrs Kipling] Looks like he's finally winning her over. Girls love uniforms!

Jessie Prescott:
Nobody ever got hurt from going overboard.

Ravi Ross:
Tell that to the people on the Titanic.

Luke Ross:
Ouch! [rubs the back of his head]

Zuri Ross:
What's the matter?

Luke Ross:
I think I just got an idea!

Marion Moseby:
[on the phone, about Jessie] No, look, I am telling you, Cody, it's uncanny! She looks exactly like Bailey!

Emma Ross:
[the girls are in the screening room watching a movie] So, my dad got me an advanced copy of "The Sisterhood of Teen Paranormal Activity"! [the girls squeal in excitement]

Bryn Breitbart:
[Bryn holds up her DVD] Or, I brought the DVD of Ingmar Knudsen's "Cries of Ice and Pain". Knudsen is Denmark's greatest living auteur.

Rosie:
You are so deep and European!

Bryn Breitbart:
Aww! [leans in and shows Rosie] It's in black-and-white and there's hardly any dialogue. Watching is like walking through a long dark tunnel of sadness!

Emma Ross:
Wow. As fun as that sounds, if I wanted to see cries of ice and pain, I'd watch Ravi try to figure skate again. [the girls giggle to themselves]

Jessie Prescott:
[brings out a tray of smoothies for the girls] Ladies, here are your "Night at the Movies" strawberry smoothies!

Bryn Breitbart:
[takes her smoothie and examines it] Uh, did you use organic strawberries and soy milk?

Jessie Prescott:
No, I wanted them to taste good. [Emma laughs loudly to herself]

Bryn Breitbart:
[takes her smoothie and the girls' smoothies back onto Jessie's tray] Sorry, I'm just not cool with drinking poison.

Emma Ross:
Jessie, maybe the girls would like some...

Bryn Breitbart:
Strawberries from a small organic farm upstate!

Jessie Prescott:
Seriously? Go upstate for strawberries? Now?

Emma Ross:
[Bryn shrugs "Why not"] Hello? Why do we have a helicopter?

Jessie Prescott:
Hello! I'm pretty sure not for airlifting in berries!

Emma Ross:
[pulling Jessie aside] Jessie, please! My hostess rep is at stake! How do you think it feels having the right strawberries for the royal guest at my party?

Jessie Prescott:
I think you just defined "rich people problems"!

Bryn Breitbart:
[noticing Jessie and Emma at the movies and taps Rosie's shoulder] What's *she* doing here?

Jessie Prescott:
[to Emma] Just ignore them.

Bryn Breitbart:
I thought we agreed we weren't inviting Bossy Rossy!

Jessie Prescott:
[to Emma] Just let it roll off your back.

Bryn Breitbart:
[about Jessie] And why did she come with that old lady? [Jessie gasps softly] [taunting her] Is she doing community service?

Jessie Prescott:
[loudly] Say *what*? [the audience shushes Jessie] Oh, it's just a trailer for a stupid murder mystery! I've read the book, and the poodle groomer did it! There, saved you all 20 bucks! [the audience groans]

Emma Ross:
[pulling Jessie's arm] Jessie, cut it out!

Jessie Prescott:
[running over to the girls and Bryn] Look ladies, I'm sure this is just some misunderstanding! Bryn, I'm sure you would never be mean on purpose! [Bryn throws popcorn at Jessie and then smirks nastily]

Emma Ross:
[pulling Jessie's arm] Jessie, can we please just go? It's no big deal! You can home-school me! [Bryn looks at the girls nastily]

Jessie Prescott:
No way! [takes the bucket of popcorn] Eat corn, mean girl! [Jessie throws the whole bucket of popcorn on Bryn and it lands in her hair]

Bryn Breitbart:
This blowout cost $200!

Jessie Prescott:
So did this popcorn! [a food fight begins between Jessie, Emma and Bryn]

Bryn Breitbart:
[screams as she has soda sprayed on her, and she enlists the girls to help her] Girls! Don't just sit there! Help me!

Rosie:
[afraid of fighting against Emma and Jessie] Can't I just be a conscientious objector?

Bryn Breitbart:
No! This is *my* group now, not Emma's! And you guys have to do what I say, or I'm cutting you out, just like I did her! [the audience gasps in horror] [trying to cover it up] I mean... have I mentioned I'm royalty adjacent?

Jessie Prescott:
Yes. Several times!

Bryn Breitbart:
No one was talking to *you*!

Emma Ross:
Don't talk to Jessie that way!

Bryn Breitbart:
I don't want to speak to either of you! [walking down the steps] And you'll never be invited to my Scottish chalet!

Emma Ross:
I thought you said it was an *Alpine* chalet!

Bryn Breitbart:
Uh... we're a two chalet family?

Rosie:
[checking her phone] I just searched online for "Bryn Breitbart plus royalty". The only thing that came up was "Al Breitbart, "Happy Tush" Toilet Paper King"!

Bryn Breitbart:
That's ridiculous! [Rosie shuts off her phone] [admitting the truth] Alright, alright! So I'm a TP heiress from Yonkers, big deal!

Jessie Prescott:
"Happy Tush"? That stuff is like sandpaper! Your family's product is as hurtful and abrasive as *you*!

Bryn Breitbart:
Well, not *all* of us can be popular because our parents are famous!

Jessie Prescott:
[screaming] LUKE, WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?

Luke Ross:
HOMEWORK!

Jessie Prescott:
Must have blown an ear drum in the helicopter. Sounded like you said you were working on homework.

Luke Ross:
I am. I finally get to do a report on something I know a lot about.

Jessie Prescott:
Your school's letting you write a paper on under-the-bed pizza box fungus?

Luke Ross:
I wish. My social studies class has a multicultural night where we have to do a report and presentation on a foreign land. Listen: "The planet Krypton's chief exports include multicolored, poisonous rocks and Superman."

Jessie Prescott:
You can't do your report on Krypton.

Luke Ross:
Because it blew up?

Jessie Prescott:
Because it's imaginary. Luke, if you need help researching other cultures, Zuri was born in Uganda, and Ravi's from India. Do you see where I'm getting at?

Luke Ross:
Yep. Once again, Emma's completely useless.

Luke Ross:
[reading from his report] In conclusion, even though I now know more about my past, what's important is what I know about my future. That I will always have an awesome supporting family by my side. So if I can't be from Krypton, I'm glad I'm a Ross. [the family cheers]

Emma Ross:
[touched] Aw, I'm glad you're a Ross too! Did I just say that out loud?

Ravi Ross:
[crying after Luke's report reading] Zuri, may I have a tissue?

Zuri Ross:
Sure. [also moved by the reading, Zuri picks up a tissue and blows her nose in it before handing it to Ravi]

Ravi Ross:
I'll just use my sleeve.

[last lines]

Jessie Prescott:
Luke, that was amazing. I bet you get an A on this assignment.

Luke Ross:
Probably not. I was supposed to turn it in yesterday.

Emma Ross:
OMG! Jordan Taylor? I've gotta go text! [runs off]

Jessie Prescott:
Emma, that door is... [Emma runs into a glass door]... closed.

Jessie Prescott:
That calmed her right down. [Emma's squished face slides down the door]

Jessie Prescott:
I'll take care of this, sir... [squirts glass cleaner on the door. Morgan and Ross pick up the mildly injured Emma]... and I'll bring back an ice pack.

Jessie Prescott:
Jordan Taylor, huh? Maybe Emma and meet him. I would go with her, of course, just to make sure she doesn't go all crazy.

Morgan Ross:
Well we're all going to meet him. He's going to be staying here for the weekend.

Luke Ross:
Here? With us? Room... getting... darker... [faints]

Jessie Prescott:
[Bertram has just entered the room, dressed as a werewolf, while she was trying to write her scary story. Bertram howls like a wolf, but she's not buying it] Bertram, quit trying to scare me with your teddy bear costume!

Bertram:
[through costume] I'm not a teddy bear! I'm a werewolf! [takes werewolf mask off] Werewolves used to be scary! I blame Taylor Lautner.

Jessie Prescott:
Bertram, quit the whining! And don't *ever* speak ill of Tay-Laut!

Bertram:
How come I'm not scary anymore? Maybe I should put on spooky zombie makeup like you.

Jessie Prescott:
I'm not wearing any zombie makeup!

Bertram:
[shrieks] That's your face? [gives up and tosses the mask] I can't compete with that, I give up on Halloween.

[Emma has offered to hook Bertram up with a girl he has a crush on]

Bertram:
Oh, absolutely not.

Emma Ross:
But aren't you tired of spending your nights polishing your nesting dolls with your tears?

Bertram:
Yes, but there's no way I'm going to let you two meddle in my personal life. [walks away]

Emma Ross:
Okay. [to Luke] Just so we're clear, we *are* going to meddle, right?

Luke Ross:
Like Michael Phelps in the Olympics.

[Luke and Emma are dancing up a storm at a salsa dance-off]

Emma Ross:
Luke, we're dancing so well all that's left is us and Bertram. We have to stop being so awesome.

Luke Ross:
[scoffs] That's like asking me to stop breathing.

Emma Ross:
Is that an option?

Jessie Prescott:
[Jessie realises that her angry song about Tony has gone viral on Emma's "Kitty Couture" blog and is surprised] I'm just like Taylor Swift!

Bertram:
Except for the money, sequins, awards, talent!

Zuri:
"Diva? How is I being a diva? I just want what I want when I want it."